Subj : 10th Step Again To : All From : Jacques Montagne Date : Tue Oct 31 2000 12:05 am .. Dear readers, Admitting my wrongs has to be almost an obsession these days. I've been having thoughts, for the past 3 days, about the importance, and even the urgency, for me to dare continue an inventory of the character wrongs still present in my behavior. The reason I need to do that is that I am aware that patterns of wrong thoughts or wrong beliefs is WHAT IS HURTING ME. Of the major recovery philosophies I explored and used in the past 30 years, the most powerful one has been buddhism. Contrary to the opinions of many, buddhism is not a religion, even though many use it as a religion, just like many AA members use AA as a religion and and made Bill and Bob into gods. The process of taking extra-ordinary events of normal life, WHEN THEY HAVE BEEN HELPFUL TO YOU, into higher powers, into miracles, into god inspired philosophies, into revealed teachings has been part of human spiritual growth through all times. I believe this explain the origin of all religions. But it is only when I allow myself to see that I AM HURTING MYSELF and that I ADMIT that I AM POWERLESS over those patterns of self-destruction that changes start coming on their own, or through God's will or some HIP-HOP process, if you need to believe in ultimate origins for manifestations of consciousness or spiritual awakening. In buddhism it is often stated that nothing happens in personal growth until one becomes aware of suffering in his own life. This is the 1st noble truth as they call it. That has been my experience too; not until I see that I am suffering, will a process of change will. This is exactly the same thing that has been happening to alcoholics who come to AA; nothing happens until one sees that our addiction is destroying us. As long as I am in the illusion that everything is OK, I keep repeating the same crazy patterns. I've lived this with uncontrolled use of alcohol, drugs, sweets, masturbation and chronic sleep because I did not know better. I am an addictive personality and those where some of the most evident addictions I had. But because over the years I have admitted to myself first, then later to other trusted human beings, that I was destroying myself by uncontrolled or dysfunctional use of Nature-given substances or Life-inspired survival behaviors, and because I have admitted my powerlessness over these apparently self-protective behaviors, I have seen some of them leave me and my life change. It is only when I see suffering in my inner life and admit my powerlessness over the behaviors that trigger this suffering that changes come, OF THEIR OWN. The wrong I've been trying to express for those past three days is that I have forced, strained myself all through this life; I have hurriedly searched for relief from my emotional hurts. I tried to go faster than I could. And I still do. OF THAT I HAVE BEEN ACUTELY AWARE FOR THE PAST WEEKS. It is the result of this powerful meditation technique called aware breathing, a grace of knowledge received 25 years ago. As the 11th step says, through meditation we came to see God's will for us. God's will can easily be replaced with living according to one's deep Nature, being as one is. That's how buddhism is described by some authors, a psychological depth philosophy. Carl Jung used buddhist teachings as the basis for a good part of his psychiatric insights and writings. Nothing changes for good until I know what I am. There are no miracles anywhere, just personal growth happening in spurts of energy, or through God's Grace, as It's own pace, and not at mine. Funny that I keep repeating that, yet I still hurry. Just like if I was afraid of not finding out Ultimate Truth, or the opposite, of finding it! At age 59 I have to admit that I lived my whole life in a hurry. It is only now that I am coming to see that I am hurting myself so when I hurry. That's what I've been trying to say in a 10th step admission of my wrongs for days. I hurt myself when I try to run my life as if there was a threatening deadline of catastrophic proportion. No humility there! I now am aware that this attitude is just one way of trying to be the master of my life, instead of the witness to Life as It is. Instead of letting my ultimate Nature manifest itself in a divine process, I tried to run to something, or away from something. I can easily say that this is what I mean by admitting that "I am crazy". When I behave like that, I am not a witness to life, but the perpetuator of the belief that I am IN CONTROL, that I HAVE THE POWER, that I AM the MASTER OF LIFE! That's my deep shit! That's how I hurt myself, day after day. And I am still powerless over that behavior. This morning, I lay in bed for an hour, thinking about the so-called "urgent" need to express myself, but my body only got up when "it" was ready. So often I've been impatient with my body, with my human limitations. I should be so strong, so powerful, so smart. Those are the dysfunctional illusions of an addict, one who thought he could get more power by using sweets, alcohol, drugs or find appeasement by using masturbation or chronic sleep. Well this is a better admission of my wrongs then yesterday's. Yes, I fell into my old pattern yesterday, even before I was able to express what needed to come out. But I must humbly admit that it was the best I could do then; today's is the best I could do, just for today. * May there be Good for All ! * Jacques copyright 2000, JM ___--------------------------------------------------------------------- P.S. If you feel like answering, commenting or asking questions, BUT IN PRIVATE MODE, please leave me a message at any of the following electronic addresses: A.O.L. Internet E-Mail: for ACA: MonTang@aol.com (with or without other topics: JacMonta@aol.com capitals) BBS NetMail on Fidonet: 1:167/133 Voice & FAX: (450) 659-3417 ___ X SPEED 2.01 #1504 X --- Maximus/2 3.01 * Origin: Juxtaposition BBS, Telnet:juxtaposition.dynip.com (1:167/133) .