Subj : Being in The Moment To : All From : Jacques Montagne Date : Tue Oct 10 2000 11:40 pm * CARBON COPY: * Original was to ALL in 17:SIP_ACA on the JUXTA BBS. This being the 10th month, I'm doing an admission of my old wrongs, just as soon as I notice them, as I did this morning: 10th step work. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Dear, dear friends, It is because of the high level of trust, that I am learning to live with, in your non-intervening presence, that I'm able to come to you and dare share the thoughts and feelings that keep emerging when I wake up. A feeling of sadness just came up after writing that it is because of the non-intervening presence of trusted human beings, that I am able to go further and further in exploring the dysfunctional behaviors that still plague my life. And admit my wrongs as soon as I notice them as the 10th step suggests. Non-intervening presence is a concept I learned from Arthur Janov and his staff back in 1972; it was in a letter I received from the Primal Institute as a reply to a letter I had sent them. This non-intervening presence is what I have discovered to be so important in the alternative sharing sessions I have had for years with my phone recovery partners here in Montreal. Simply knowing that there is someone present as I live through my confusion and do my tentative exploration of what is happening in my inner psychological dynamics, in the now-moment is a very powerful therapeutic tool. Such a powerful tool that a deep sadness is awakened at not having had that need met from the earliest of time. I needed to be validated, to be loved, to have the feeling of being of importance to someone, yet I never seemed to get that in my youth and later. I was always feeling so alone. Now that I know that those painful life circumstances of my past were only occasions for me to grow, even if 50 years later, I have to acknowledge the sadness of having been deprived for so long. Receiving the attention I needed from early on in infancy, is almost too much to bear now. I keep relapsing into my usual addictions whenever I receive such quality attention from you, from my recovery and growth partners, from my true friends. I can hardly bear the excitement that follows receiving what is usually called love. Too much feelings, even if they are good feelings, triggers me into some of my old dysfunctional behaviors. Last week was a major week of breakthroughs in seeing the deep neurotic behaviors registered in my body; they came because of my continued use of aware breathing for the past few weeks. Yet, I fell into sugar binges and into obsessive activities last week-end as a result of the new feelings I was living. After last night ACA meeting, one that was as effective as could be, considering my relative ignorance of my emotions, I again had to resort to over-eating and binging on pastries when I got home. And I fell asleep feeling so powerless over those things that do not change in my life as an adult child. I still can't accept with humility the things that cannot change for now. Yet, I have to admit to myself that what I am living is the best I can live; there is absolutely no other path of growth for me. I must live through what still ails me; I must be burned in the crucible of awareness, in the here-and-now of the present moment. And it is only when I dare share what I am living, on a moment-to-moment basis, that I slowly discover how I need others. This is the single greatest change in my 30 years of personal growth. Slowly, I am going from pretending I don't need others, to slowly, very slowly discovering how fruitful it can be to have companionship of a kind that is new to me, the non-intervening presence I was writing about previously. At this moment of grace at 6:10am, I am in your presence, even if delayed in time and far in distance, and I can hardly accept the reality of your presence. I can hardly believe that there are human beings who find it useful or pleasurable to be in contact with me. I should be dead, so strong is my sense of estrangement, yet there are human beings who somehow keep choosing to live their own life in my presence, as I allow myself to live mine in their presence. Amazing Grace. I'm tempted right now to go and indulge in my old eating habits in order to drown out the feelings I am experiencing. Such is my fear of feeling alive, so little have I known what it is to live in a sane contact with human beings. Changes in my inner psychological dynamics are difficult to accept because noticing the need for change implies that I have to live through the long-repressed pain of old unmet love needs. I could not even think of those pains if you were not present in my life at this moment in timeless time. And much less be rid of the subtle and destructive effects of those incomplete cycles of needs from long, long ago. Growth is always a difficult time for me. But it is the only eventually satisfying path for me. No easy way out of the sadness of old unmet love needs. I have to grieve them in the present, even if they originate from 50 years past. In the present, I have to accept that what I wrote and shared so far is the best I can do, just for now. I must humbly accept my character defects as triggers to a more enlightened love life, love of myself first and love of others as consequence. This will be all, just for now. * May there be Good for All ! * Jacques copyright 2000, JM ___--------------------------------------------------------------------- P.S. If you feel like answering, commenting or asking questions, BUT IN PRIVATE MODE, please leave me a message at any of the following electronic addresses: BBS NetMail: Fidonet: 1:167/133 CanadaMedia: 440:445/103 A.O.L. Internet E-Mail: jacmonta@aol.com Voice: (450) 659-3417 & FAX FrancoMedia " " : montagne@francomedia.qc.ca ___ X SPEED 2.01 #1504 X --- Maximus/2 3.01 * Origin: Juxtaposition BBS, Telnet:juxtaposition.dynip.com (1:167/133) .