More Pearls Of Wisdom From The Mind Of Steven Wright

Posted by Jack Straw on December 19, 2002 at 22:06:52:

* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
* If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
  cheese.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
  something.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
  horn louder."
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
  bread.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
  research.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be
  on it.
* Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

From: http://www.stumps.org/stumps/messages/4070.html
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