X-Google-Language: ENGLISH,ASCII-7-bit X-Google-Thread: f996b,c0256bea56f0759d X-Google-Attributes: gidf996b,public From: John Nunley Subject: Dust Off Your Funny Bone Date: 1997/10/07 Message-ID: <343AD702.5CE0@goodnet.com> X-Deja-AN: 278772878 Reply-To: nunley@goodnet.com Organization: GoodNet Newsgroups: alt.ascii-art Welcome To... _______ _ |__ __| | | | | |__ ___ | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, This is a sample of the humor and art of The Funny Bone, | | a free weekly e-mailing of jokes and funny stories, il- | | lustrated with the original ASCII artwork of Joan Stark. .' \ If you enjoy this and would like to have The Funny Bone ( , ) e-mailed to you each week, free of charge, then follow '--' '-' the subscription instructions in the signature. The (Future) Diary of a Mad Digital Homeowner: Nov 28, 1999: Moved in to my new digitally-maxed out Hermosa Beach house at last. Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighbor- hood. Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to my personal computer, which _ _ is connected to the power ( Y ) lines, all the appliances \ / \ / and the security system. \ /^\ _ Everything runs ) //^\\ -= (_) =- .-==-. off a universal ( // \\ |O===| remote with the ) // \\ / \ |::::| friendliest in- __ // \\ |::::| terface I've ever |=^| // _ \\ |::==| used. Program- __|= |__// (+) \\ |==oo| ming is a snap. /LLLLLLL// ~ \\ '----' I'm like, tot- /LLLLLLL// \\ ally wired. /LLLLLLL// \\ /LLLLLLL// |~[|]~| |~[|]~| \\ Nov 30: Hot Stuff! ^| [|] // | [|] | | [|] | \\ Programmed my VCR from | [|] ^| |_[|]_| |_[|]_| |^ the office, turned up ___|______| | the thermostat and /LLLLLLLLLL|_____________________| switched on the /LLLLLLLLLLL/LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL\ lights with the /LLLLLLLLLLL/LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL\ car phone, remote- ^||^^^^^^^^/LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL\ ly tweaked the oven || |~[|]~|^^||^^^^^^^^^^||^|~[|]~|^||^^ a few degrees for my || | [|] | || |~~~~| || | [|] | || pizza. Everything || |_[|]_| || | [] | || |_[|]_| || nice and cozy when ||__________|| | o| ||_________|| I arrived. Maybe .'||][][][][][|| | [] | ||[][][][][||.'. I should get the ."'||[][][][][]||_-`----'-_||][][][][]||"." universal remote .(')^(.)(').( )'^@/-- -- - --\@( )'( ).(( )^(.) surgically '( )^(`)'.(').( )@/-- -- - -- -\@ (.)'(.),( ).('). attached. ".'.'." ." '.". @/- - --- -- - -\@ '.".'.".'.".'." jgs'' ".".".'.'@/ - -- -- -- -- -\@".'..'".'."'.'.' Dec 1: Had '.".".''.".''."@/ -- --- --- -- - -\@.".''.".''.".'". to call the SmartHouse people today about bandwidth problems. The TV drops to about 2 frames/second when I'm talking on the phone. They insist it's a prob- lem with the cable company's compression algo- \ / rithms. How do they expect me to order things \/ from the Home Shopping Channel? .===============. | .-----------. | Dec 2: Got my first SmartHouse invoice today | | | | and was unpleasantly surprised. I suspect the | | HSC | | cleaning woman of reading Usenet from the | | | | __ washing machine interface when I'm not | '-----------'o| |o.| here. She must downloading one hell |===============| |::| of a lot of GIFs from the binary groups, jgs |###############| |::| because packet charges were through the '===============' '--' roof on the invoice. ___________,_____ Dec 3: Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak | | # |=====| event. As I opened the refrigerator door, the | | (_) |=====| light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else |> _ |_____|=====| electrical shut down: lights, microwave, coffee | [_] | | | maker... everything. Carefully unplugged and | |_____|=====| and replugged all the appliances. Nothing. | | |_____| Call the cable company (but not from the kit- | ] |_____| | chen phone). They refer me to the utility. | |_____|=====| The utility insists that the problem is in the | | ___ |_____| software. So the software company runs some |> |[___]| | remote telediagnostics via my house processor. | |[___]|=====| Their expert system claims it has to be the |_____|=====|_____| utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my [###########] jgs kitchen back. More phone calls; more remote diag's. Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode": The network had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen logic sequence was confused and it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy swears this was the first time this has ever happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour. Dec 7: The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help. We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit the window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security sensors are actuated, and the police computer con- cludes that someone is trying to break in. Go figure. Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by hand. The software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the next upgrade: SmartHouse 2.1. But it's not ready yet. Finally, I'm starting to sus- pect that the microwave is secretly tuning into the cable system to watch Bay Watch. The unit is completely inoperable during that same hour. I guess I can live with that. At least the blender is not tun- ing in to old I Love Lucy episodes. Dec 9: I just bought the new Microsoft Home. Took 93 gigabytes of storage, but it will be worth it, I think. The house should be much easier to use and should really do everything. I had to sign a second mortgage over to Microsoft, but I don't mind: I don't really own my house now--it's really the bank. Let them deal with Microsoft. ___ Dec 10: I'm beginning to have doubts about Microsoft House. I \~/ keep getting an hour glass symbol showing up when I want to run /_\ the dishwasher. Dec 12: This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My per- sonal computer caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come home and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycling up and down and the TV is stuck on the home shopping channel. Throughout the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they explode from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere. Of course, the security sensors detect nothing. I look at a message slowly throbbing on my personal computer screen: WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!! NOW THE FUN BEGINS... (Be it ever so humble, there's no virus like the HomeWrecker...). Dec 18: They think they've digitally disinfected the house, but the place is a shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got the part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, the Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT team members like to call themselves) are confident the worst is over. "HomeWrecker is pretty bad" one he tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you didn't get PolterGeist. That one is really evil." Dec 19: Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and mudslides, yes," says the claims adjuster. "Viruses, no." My agree- ment with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims and warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my house networks in any way, shape or form with a non-certified online service. Everybody's very, very, sorry, but they can't be expected to anticipate every virus that might be created. We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited! Dec 21: I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holi- day offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company's new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the programmers personally. "Sure," I tell him. _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' Write to to learn more | | about the Funny Bone and to have subscription | | instructions automatically e-mailed to you. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'