X-Google-Language: ENGLISH,ASCII-7-bit X-Google-Thread: f996b,c2a71ae4cd529151,start X-Google-Attributes: gidf996b,public X-Google-Thread: 11492d,c2a71ae4cd529151,start X-Google-Attributes: gid11492d,public From: cfbd@southern.co.nz (Colin Douthwaite) Subject: Groucho Marx Fan Club Date: 1997/04/12 Message-ID: <5inhba$p4r@orm.southern.co.nz> X-Deja-AN: 234303239 Organization: Southern InterNet Services Newsgroups: alt.comedy.marx-bros,alt.ascii-art ======================================================================== Disclaimer: All these Groucho Marx quotes have been collected from the Net. The authenticity and exactitude of each quote is not guaranteed. Sources are not known except where given. | o | ___________________ | o | | o |/ \| o | | o | The | o | | o | | o | | o | Groucho Marx | o | | o | | o | | o | Fan Club | o | | o |\___________________/| o | | o | ___________________ | o | | o |/ \| o | -cfbd- | o | | o | | o | | o | | o | 12-4-97 | o | | o | | o | " I sent the club a wire stating, ^please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member^. _Groucho and Me_ (1959) ch. 26 " Hello. I must be going." -- Groucho Marx -------------------------------------------------------------------- ||====================================================================|| ||//$\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//$\\|| ||(100)==================| FEDERAL RESERVE NOTE |================(100)|| ||\\$// ~ '------========--------' \\$//|| ||<< / /$\ // ____ \\ \ >>|| ||>>| 12 //L\\ // ///..) \\ L38036133B 12 |<<|| ||<<| \\ // || <|| >\ || |>>|| ||>>| \$/ || $$ --/ || One Hundred |<<|| ||<<| L38036133B *\\ |\_/ //* series |>>|| ||>>| 12 *\\/___\_//* 1989 |<<|| ||<<\ Treasurer ______/Franklin\________ Secretary 12 />>|| ||//$\ ~|UNITED STATES OF AMERICA|~ /$\\|| ||(100)=================== ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS =================(100)|| ||\\$//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\$//|| ||====================================================================|| -Julian Visch- " Blood's not thicker than money. " - Groucho Marx ( Double Dynamite ) -------------------------------------------------------------------- ,--.-----.--. |--|-----|--| |--| |--| | |-----| | __|--| |--|__ / | |-----| | \ / \__|-----|__/ \ / ______---______ \/\ / / \ \/ { / _ _ _ \ } | { | | . | | | | } |-, | | |_| . |_| |_| | | | | { } |-' { \ / } \ `------___------' /\ \ __|-----|__ /\/ \ / |-----| \ / \ |--| |--| / after -Mike- --| |-----| |-- |--| |--| |--|-----|--| `--'-----`--' " Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. " - Groucho Marx ( A Day at the Races ). -------------------------------------------------------------------- ****** * * *((((((((((((@))* *((( ((())* *(((( ^ ^ (())))* * ((((( @ | @ ((())))* * (((((( w ((()))))* (((((( ******* ((()))))* ********************************** * THANKS A LOT ! * ********************************** / \ / \ / \ /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\/\/\/\\/\ -unknown- | | | ##############( -- ) --)############## " Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did. " - Groucho Marx ( Duck Soup ). -------------------------------------------------------------------- +-------------+--------------+-------------------------------+ | o o o o | | Just because we disagree | | <><><> <> | /-+-- --+X | doesn't mean I have to kill | | |||||| || | /> <\ | you, unless I want to. | +-------------+--------------+-------------------------------+ -unknown- " I cannot say that I do not disagree with you. " - Groucho Marx -------------------------------------------------------------------- ______________ / \ @(___) ------ (___) @ @ @ /----\ @ / o o \ @ | [] | @ @|___~~~~___| after -Marilyn Cox, et al- "Room service? Send up a larger room" - Groucho Marx -------------------------------------------------------------------- ,;;;;;;;, ;;;;;;;;;;;, ;;;;;'_____;' ;;;(/))))|((\ _;;((((((|)))) / |_\\\\\\\\\\\\ .--~( \ ~)))))))))))) / \ `\-(((((((((((\\ | | `\ ) |\ /|) | | `. _/ \_____/ | | , `\~ / | \ \ / | `. `\| / | ~- `\ / \____~._/~ -_, (\ |-----|\ \ ';; | | :;;;' \ | / | | | | | -Tua Xiong | `. / "A man's only as old as the woman he feels." - Groucho Marx ------------------------------------------------------------------- *8o, 8 : 8 8 : 8 8 : 8 |~~\_____/~~\__ | -cfbd- 8 : 8 _____________________ \N1____====== )-+ 8 : 8 ~~~|/~~ | 8 : 8 () 8 : 8 ,8o,"' aircraft by // -Wil Dixon- ~~ "Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a bananna." - Groucho Marx -------------------------------------------------------------------- ////// ////// (//////) ... .. .. ... . ////// . ... . ... . .. ... .())((() ... .. . _____|____|_____ ((()(())) / \ (((((((() | | _()(()(())_ | | | (((()()() | \ ' | ()))))( | \ / \ ((((( / \ / ) ( \ / / \ | | | | \____________/ \_________/ -after MH- ................................................................. " I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. " - Groucho Marx -------------------------------------------------------------------- .-~~~~~~--_ /@@@@\ \ .-//@@@@@\ \ /~~ \@@@/ \ / / | / / | / | | |@@| ( | | ~ / X | \ / / | | \ \ _ _/_ ____-/_| | | \ \ | / \ | \ | \ \ \ / \ | \ / \ -Steve Wendt- \ ~~~~~~ \ \ \ \ ____________ \ / | | \ / | /` /` | \ / | [ ]=[ ]' | \ / | / | \ / | -- | \ / |____________| \ " Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. " - Groucho Marx " I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book. " -- Julius Henry (Groucho) Marx (1895-1977) ______ ______ _/ Y \_ // ~~ ~~ | ~~ ~ \\ // ~ ~ ~~ | ~~~ ~~ \\ //________.|.________\\ `----------`-'----------' " From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." -- "The Book of Insults", Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 " Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!" -- Groucho marx ---------------------------------------------------------------------- When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth". .,,,,,,,,,,. ,;;;;;;;;;;;;;;, ,;;;;;;;;;;;)));;(((,,;;;,,_ ,;;;;;;;;;;' |)))))))))))\\ ;;;;;;/ )'' - /,)))((((((((((\ ;;;;' \ ~|\ )))))))))))))) / / | (((((((((((((( /' \ _/~' ')|())))))))) /' `\ /> o_/)))(((((((( / /' `~~(____ / ())))))))))) | ---, \ \ (((((((((( `\ \~-_____| )))))))) `\ | |_.---. \ -Tua Xiong " Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first." -- Groucho Marx " Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution? " - Groucho Marx "Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does." -- Groucho Marx "The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open." - Groucho Marx Quote: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx "Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse." -- Groucho Marx "Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." - Groucho Marx " Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!" - Groucho Marx " Marriage is the chief cause of divorce." -- Groucho Marx "She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party." -- Groucho Marx " You're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.." -- Groucho Marx " Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference." -- Groucho Marx "She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon." -- Groucho Marx Groucho: "What do you call a lady with a broken leg?" "Eileen" "What do you call an Oriental lady with a broken leg?" "Irene" " I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home. " -- Groucho Marx " I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me." -- Groucho Marx " I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself." -- Groucho Marx (To a steamship captain:) "If you were a man, you'd go into business for yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just a canoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, if that's your idea of a good time." -- Groucho Marx "We took some photographs of the native girls, but they weren't developed. We're going back next year." -- Groucho Marx ( Animal Crackers ) "Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot." -- Groucho Marx sssss _ S/"""SSSs "s| ")SSs | SSSS __- __ sSSSSs . | SS" _________\ Ss" | (o)-(o) || |" |__\_^_/__| , | _--_ |/ /| | / -_ / / \ | / _ ". | | | | / _- -_ '.-""-- \ | | ,' / , ; -_ | | | _,-" / ', , -_ ,' | \__ <_ _ _] , \ - _ _ .' ___\____\ . ) """""""""""'' /_-" after -Joe Rumsey- "How do you feel about women's rights ? " " I like either side of them." -- Groucho Marx " Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! " -- Groucho Marx ---------------------------------------------------------------------- //\\\||///\\ //| |\\ |[ |

| ]| |||| .\. |||| |||< _ >||| \__(_)_/ _____!___!_____ | | \ / | | " I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. " - Groucho Marx "Can I buy back my introduction to you?" -- Groucho Marx ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >From THE BIG SHOW Interviewing Jane Powell from "You Bet Your Life" GM: How old are you? JP: 19 GM: You call that old...Why don't you step closer to the microphone so that the announcer can hear you...On second thoughts just step closer to the announcer. JP: Well, which is which? GM: The microphone is more hose in the head. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- "You Bet Your Life" banter (got censored, no copy exists, but true story) Groucho: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children? Mrs. Smith: Yes, thirteen. Groucho: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden? Mrs. Smith: Well, I love my husband. Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ " The Marx Brothers produced a (relatively forgettable) film called 'A Night in Casablanca.' Warner Brothers sent Groucho a memo saying that they owned the rights to the name "Casablanca," and they would sue him for infringement. Groucho promptly fired back with a memo that the Marx Brothers had been brothers longer than Warner Brothers, and *they* were countersuing for infringement..." -- Andrew Roazen -------------------------------------------------------------------- Lydia Oh Lydia, Oh have you met Lydia Lydia the Tattooed Lady (*)(*) She's got eyes that men adore so ) .( And a torso even more so..... ( v ) \ |/ -cyberfox- - Groucho Marx "The months before my son was born, I used to yell from night to morn, 'Whatever it is, I'm against it! No matter what it is or who commenced it, I'm against it!' " - Groucho (in song) from "Horsefeathers" -------------------------------------------------------------------- ## ## (@ (@ \ -Ian Broverman- ##### | ~\_====+ "Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!" - Groucho Marx "There is only one way to find out if a man is honest--ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked." - Groucho Marx "The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing; if you can fake that, you've got it made." -- Groucho Marx " Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. " - Groucho Marx " Time wounds all heels." - Groucho Marx "Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?" - Groucho Marx " It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City to be unhappy. _The Groucho Letters_ (1967) " He's waxing wroth! " " Well, why don't you have Roth wax him for a change? " -- Groucho Marx "Go, and never darken my towels again." -- Groucho Marx "No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend." -- Groucho Marx "There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man." -- Groucho Marx "I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse." -- Groucho Marx |\ |\ _-/ \ _-/ ()() _-/ \ _ _-/ \ \ ____________//__/ /\ oo/ // \_____/ / \\_/ // // \ "In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people." -- Groucho Marx "Military intelligence. Isn't that a contradiction in terms?" -- Groucho Marx "Military justice is to justice what military music is to music." -- Groucho Marx "I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty." -- Groucho Marx +---------------------------------------------+ | | | __________________________________ | | | | IBM | | | | | | | ## ## | | | | (@ (@ | | | | \ | | | | ##### | | | | | ~\_====+ | O | | | | O | | |__________________________________| | | ____________________________________________ +--| \ \ | \ [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] [][][] \ \ \ [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] [][][] \ \ \ [][][][][][][][][][][][][][] [][][] \ \ \________________________________________\ \_|________________________________________| " I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing. " _The Groucho Letters_ (1967) "I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks." - Groucho Marx " Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while." - Groucho Marx ____ ___ . ,, ,, . ', \,__ __,'',/ . .:>}}Y{{<:. .' \ \/' ./ ' .'. ''W' ' .' . \ / " \ / ,-----------"--, | \____/' /-\ \ Row faster! \ ' .O `\ / | ,-- |\_______) O O | <' , "/ / / / ' .'; __ /N___/N____ `, '~~~' /'/'/'/' .',.'.`/' /' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~D~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -Daniel Au- " The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves. " -- Groucho Marx " Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. " -- Groucho Marx " My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one." -- Groucho Marx "I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name." -- Groucho Marx " A child af five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. " -- Groucho Marx " Call me a cab!" Groucho replies, "OK, you're a cab." " You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you." -- Groucho Marx " Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech, and that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself." -- Groucho Marx " Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi." - Groucho Marx " Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know." - Groucho Marx " Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies." -- Groucho Marx " Why don't you drill a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? " -- Groucho Marx " I hear they're gonna tear you down and erect an office building where you're standing." -- Groucho Marx " He thinks I look alike! " -- Groucho Marx " Gentlemen of the jury, Chicolini here may look like an idiot, and sound like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: He really is an idiot. I implore you, send him to the penitentiary where his father and brothers await him with open arms. I suggest we give him 12 years in Leavenworth, or 11 years in twelveworth. I tell you what, I take 5 and 10 in Woolworth. " -- Groucho Marx " You have the brain of a four-year-old, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it." -- Groucho Marx " I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing. " _The Groucho Letters_ (1967) " I went up to the stage door, but it was locked. So I went around to the front door and came into the theatre. And the stage was all lit up, but the theatre was so dark, I couldn't see a thing. Is there anyone up front? So I go down, in this Stygian darkness, to the front row, and I take a seat. I am now sitting on... I can't think of his name. " _The Groucho Letters_ (1967) Groucho was informed that he would not be allowed to go in the swimming pool at a private club because it did not admit Jews. "Well, my son is half Jewish," he responded, "Can he go in up to his waist?" " I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honoured by the French government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. " -- Groucho Marx " I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin." -- Groucho Marx " There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire! -- Groucho Marx " I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. " -- Groucho Marx ) ( ( ( ( ) () @@ ) (( ( ( ( )( @@ ( )) ) ( ( ( ( ()( /---\ (()( ( _______ ) ) )(@ !O O! )@@ ( ) ) ) < ____) ) ( ( )( ()@ \ o / (@@@@@ ( ()( ) /--| |( o| ( ) ) ((@@(@@ !o! @@@@(@@@@@)() ( | > \___| ) ( @)@@)@ /---\-/---\ )@@@@@()( ) | /---------+ (@@@@)@@@( // /-----\ \\ @@@)@@@@@( . | | \ =========______/|@@@@@@@@@@@@@(@@@ // @ /---\ @ \\ @(@@@(@@@ . . | \ \\=========------\|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ O @@@ /-\ @@@ O @@(@@)@@ @ . | \ \----+--\-))) @@@@@@@@@@ !! @@@@ % @@@@ !! @@)@@@ .. . | |\______|_)))/ . @@@@@@ !! @@ /---\ @@ !! @@(@@@ @ . . \__========== * . @@ /MM /\O O/\ MM\ @@@@@@@. . | |-\ \ ( . @ !!! !! \-/ !! !!! @@@@@ . | | \ \ ) . . @@@@ !! !! .(. @. .. . | | \ \ ( / .( . \)). ( |O )( O! @@@@ . ) . | | / / ) ( )). (( .) !! ((( !! @@ (. ((. . . | | / / () )) )) .( ( ( ) ). ( !! )( !! ) (( )) .. | |_< / ( ) ( ( ) ) (( ) )).) ((/ | ( | \( )) ((. ). ____<_____\\__\__(___)_))_((_(____))__(_(___.oooO_____Oooo.(_(_)_)((_ ## ## @) @) / | ##### +====_/~ -Ian Broverman- ========================================================================