------- Subject: Trials, Tribulations and Such Date: Sat, 24 Jul 1999 16:42:59 -1000 From: "manny" Newsgroups: alt.clubs.just-for-fun Life is now becoming a completely boring experience. I am being denied the priviledge of spreading confusion, hate and discontent among the masses. This morning I was sitting playing with this damned computer. I just moved into a downstairs, actually backyard view apartment. The front parking lot of this building is facing the parking lot. As a result the bottom floor has no front view except for a flower bed full of plants, none of them edible or smokable. The bedroom window has a fantastic view of the river and the garden plots in the back of the building as well as a nice view of the gazebo and such. Problem is, people walking by the window can see inside if they shade their eyes and put they faces right up against the jalousies. On occassion some idiot will do just that. When I notice, I usually reply with an expletive I learned while living on Treasure Island, Florida. "What the fuck you looking at?" Normal reply for the situation, I would think. This morning, I am sitting here in my skivvies trying to think of some way to antagonize somebody and I get this crawly feeling I was being watched. I looked up and here was this old ugly, and I mean Redd Foxx type ugly Portagee woman with her hands shielding her eyes staring at my old, fat neglected body. I didn't even have a hard on to impress her with. I looked at her, I am talking a distance of about two feet, and yelled, "what the fuck you looking at?" She responded with a "fuck you you no good sonofabitch, don't you talk like that around my granddaughter." Well In case they was actually a granddaughter there I know not because the window sill is much higher than her grand daughter is tall and I didn't see anybody else."Look, you ugly, sleazy old Portagee peeping Thomaset, says I, I am gonna file a complaint against you with the fucken building manager." Fifteen minutes later I went upstairs to check my mailbox, hoping maybe Uncle Gus had sent a new shipment of chocolate chip cookies or something and the old bitch walked by and elbowed me in the ribs and shoulder blocked me into the wall of mailboxes. I just went to the doctor yesterday because I am in the middle of a congestive heart failure problem brought on by them fucken trolls and shit. My lungs are filling with water and I am slowly drowning is the only way to explain the situation. The doctor gave me some really good meds and I pissed out about a gallon of water yesterday afternoon and last night. He also gave me a bunch of percodan, which had my nerves pretty calm and such, but had thrown me into a horrible state of constipation. To correct this he gave me a bottle of asorbate solution which I drank before reading the directions. It was a twelve ounce bottle and that is the same size beer comes in so I just drank the bottle this morning figuring that would take care of the problem. Lasix is the med he gave me to get rid of the water on my lungs. It is called Lasix because it lasts six hours. Get it? LAst SIX hours. Well the elbow to the ribs and the shoulder block into the mailbox wall just about knocked me out. I could not breath at all. This built up a tremendous amount of pressure. I had taken two of the 40 mg Lasix tablets and drunk the whole damned bottle of Absorbate about two hours previously. I managed to sit down on a little bench trying to catch my breath. Was having absolutely no luck doing that. But that was just about the time the lasix and the absorbate kicked in. The old bitch called the police and filed a complaint against me for using profanity in front of her grandchild. About the time the police got out of their car, the lasix and absorbate liberated my kidneys and bowels in one big heave. This resulted in a giant expulsion of feces which resembled golf balls and a stream of piss that would have done a Missouri Mule proud. I had taken off my skivvies and was only wearing a pair of short pajama bottoms, so there was not much resistance to the expulsion. Shit, piss and other weird body fluids started squirting all over the bench and the golf ball sized turds started rolling across the floor in front of the bench. I still couldn't breathe but had begun to cough profusly which made the golf ball shaped turds come out in rapid profusion. The first policeman who got out of the car didn't know what the hell was going on and ran up to me to see if he could offer some assistance or maybe call an ambulance. Naturally he stepped on several of the golf balls and even though they were hard and rolling around they squished when he stepped on the first one and the rest of them squished some more when he fell on his ass in the middle of the whole mess. This would not have been so bad, but he had a warrant for my arrest for disorderly conduct due to the complaint the old Portagee lady had filed against me for using profanity in front of her grand daughter. The second cop came up and asked me if I was Manny and unfortunately I admitted to the fact and he handcuffed me and started walking me to the police car. The first cop was yelling at him, " No no no, don't put him in the car." Meanwhile Stumpy had called my doctor and told him what was happening and my Doctor called the police dispatcher and told them to rush me to the nearest hospital. He also instructed them not to wait for an ambulance that it was an emergency situation. Well, I just got back from the hospital. The police decided they didn't want to fuck with the paper work involved in writing up the old lady's complaint and were still in the hospital parking lot arguing about who was going to have to drive that stinking police car back to the station, when my son picked me up to bring me home. And this was all the fault of them fucken trolls that overtook the alt.clubs.just-for-fun newsgroup. It's not real life, its just usenet? Bullshit! Are you listening Andrew? manny --------------------------------- _ __,,, __ __ (X) / ' _\ | \/ |__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ----. |C =\= | |\/| / _` | ' \| ' \ || | ---. \ |( - ) |_| |_\__,_|_||_|_||_\_, | | |\ __) `--'__ ,|. |__/ | | \ /'` ~ `\/-_/ manny_hall@hotmail.com | | \ / . )% .)' | ____.-----.___ | | `.________( _./ -'. -') ) _.-' `-. ---' `---' | ).-'/ ).-'----._ `. \ ) |--- (.')__ `-. \ __ ___ ( / / ____/-' `. \ L ' ` | \\\ / \________\ \ | |-- .------. `./ |________ | L | .__. |___ / _(_)\ | || | | J _ (_) ) ` '/| b'ger || | | ___________| _(_)_ _ / / | /VK || | | \ _(_)(_))_) | / |________|| | | `(_)_(_)_))_)( /|____--_____o| | | .- _ _(_)(_)))_(_))((` /___/__|____\__ .-. | |/ (_) (_)_)_)(_)_)((_)/ /| | == : | \| V.' ------------------------\(-|___|__________|------------------------