_______ _ |__ __| | April 26, 2001 | | | |__ ___ Thursday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | F R I D A Y E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. Did you know that each week more than 50 cartoons or funny pictures are published in The Funny Bone? If you're not receiving Daily Fun and Dirty Fun, then you're missing a lot of the fun! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Waiting For The Bus A blonde was visiting Washington, DC. This was her first time to the city, so she wanted to see the Capitol Building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions. "Excuse me, officer," the blonde said, "how do I get to the Capitol Building?" The officer said, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." The blonde thanked the officer and he drove off. .----------------. Three hours later the police |_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_I]___ officer came back to the same .::. | _ : ; _ ) area, and sure enough, the jgs ':::'' ='-(_)----------=-(_)-' blonde was still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol Building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde said, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Definitions , , Hormone: The sounds a prostitute makes so you will ///////| think you are a real good lay. /////// | /////// | Seersucker: A person who blows clairvoyants. |~~~~~| | |=====| | Cotton Balls: The final stage of beer nuts. | D | | | I | | Trampoline: A sexual lubricant popular with sluts. | C | | | T | | Octopus: An eight-sided vagina. | I | | | O | | Douche: A female duke. | N | | | A | | Woodpecker: A 17th century prosthetic device. | R | | jgs | Y | / Cowhand: An occupational disability common among |=====| / dairy farmers. '-----'` Anticlimax: What my uncle made my auntie do during sex. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._)) The Painter There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. _....,_ _,...._ The painter was so grateful that _.-` _,..,_'. .'_,..,_ `-._ she decided to show her grati- _,-`/ o \ '. .' / o \`-,_ tude by repainting the doctor's jgs '-.\___/.-` `-.\___/.-' office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself... Thank the Lord, I'm not a gynecologist." }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} {{ + + + @ {{ }} | * o + . }} {{ -O- o . . + {{ }} | _,.-----.,_ o | }} {{ + * .-'. .'-. -O- {{ }} * .'.-' .---. `'.'. | * }} {{ . /_.-' / \ .'-.\ {{ }} ' -=*< |-._.- | @ | '-._| >*=- . + }} {{ -- )-- \`-. \ / .-'/ {{ }} * + `.'. '---' .'.' + o }} {{ . '-._ _.-' . {{ }} | `~~~~~~~` - --===D @ }} {{ o -O- * . * + {{ }} | + . + }} {{ jgs . @ o * {{ }} o * o . }} {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Reasons Why Owning A Plumbing Contracting Business Is Similar to Running A Bordello... Most "service work" by employees is done either while kneeling, or while flat on their backs. While on the job, most employees have their butt cracks, bare midriff, and other parts of their anatomy exposed. When a customer hires you, they know up front they're going to pay through the nose. ___ Unless they've been through the process before, .' _ '. your customer tends to be very nervous / /` `\ \ initially, then accepting and even enjoying | | [__] what's taking place during, and in the end, | | {{ usually feel relaxed, and feel like that | | }} they've gotten their money's worth. _ | | _ {{ ___________<_>_| |_<_>}}________ If they don't feel they've gotten .=======^=(___)=^={{====. their money's worth, the response / .----------------}}---. \ is universally the same: "I've / /| {{ |\ \ been screwed!!" / / | }} | \ \ jgs ( '=========================' ) The government, from local law '-----------------------------' enforcement to EPA to Public Health and everyone in between, is determined to drive you out of business with nitpicking regulations and stupid laws which criminalize innocent behavior. Depending on the geographic location of your business, and the nature and predisposition of local officials, on rare occasions distasteful but necessary small bribes must be paid to grease the wheels of expediency, in order to stay in business. After a long, hard day's work, most employees take a long, very hot, hard-scrubbing shower to remove the offal and residues off their bodies that's been put there from doing their difficult and smelly jobs all day long. A lot of the "service work" done is paid for in cash, and some of it is even declared as taxable income. No matter how well you do your job, the public-at-large still looks down their noses at you because of the stereotype of your occupa- tion being a less-than-desirable one to make an honest living at, never giving you the respect you deserve as a committed, dedicated professional, even though most of them at some time during their lifetime will make use of the services you provide. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to sunday-funnies-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com | | and your address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm