104:152) Eric A. Hochman Date: 16-APR-94 2:09 So people keep telling me to get a picture of a yellow train, to put on T-shirts and other icons of our culture. I was warned that this would be dangerous, illegal, and generally a bad idea, but any artist worthy of the name is willing to risk danger in the name of art, so for the last two nights I was down in the subway with my step-zoom-instant-flash- so-simple-even-a-trained-gorilla-can-use-it camera, LOOKING FOR YELLOW TRAINS. How's that for a plot twist? First mistake: I stop to replenish my supply of junk food on the way to the subway, and miss a perfectly good yellow train by about 30 seconds. I could see the last car of it leaving the station as I got there, and it blasted its air horn just to taunt me. I was only slightly disappointed, since I knew there would be several other photo opportunities on the trip downtown. When we got to Times Square, we had caught up with the yellow train that I had seen earlier. It was parked right there on the express track - a diesel engine, plus a flat car with a giant orange box of something on it. I really wanted to stay on the 2 and get home, but someone once said you have to suffer for your art, so I got off to get my picture. I had a few words with the driver, and in exchange for a couple of comic books he agreed to pose on the flat car, with one foot up on the orange box. This was the yellow train photo of a lifetime, but no sooner did I snap it when two cops grabbed me, confiscated my film, and gave me a summons for "Illegal Underground Photography." Fortunately, I had another roll of film. Hi Janet! Hope you got out and enjoyed the nice weather. There was another yellow train just outside 34th St., but it was going the wrong way and there were too many steel pillars in the way for me to get a good shot of it. The huge train with the bulldozer and other heavy machinery on it was parked at 23rd St - it was covered with transit workers, one of whom was cutting up rail ties with a chainsaw. I was all set to lean out the window and capture the moment, when he looked up, saw me, waved his chainsaw, and did a little dance. I suddenly decided it would be better to wait 'til we got to Chambers St. When we got there, a nice little yellow train was on the local track, but SOMEONE HAD PAINTED THE FUCKING THING BLUE! Fucking subway vandals - I hate 'em. What would I do with a photo of a BLUE TRAIN? I didn't even bother. So that was last night's adventure. Before we move on to tonight, I want to talk about ZIMA. I'm sure you've seen the ads all over the city (including many posters in the subway). It's this drink which, from the ads, you'd expect to resemble CLEAR BEER. Garbled Uplink told me the stuff was awful ("Zima is zhit" were his exact words), but I just had to find out what this stuff was and what it tasted like. So when I got home, I tried a bottle, and let me tell you this: If Garbled tells you something about an intoxicating substance, LISTEN TO HIM. Rather than trying to describe the taste in so many words, I'm going to tell you how to save money and MAKE YOUR OWN ZIMA. You need the following items: 1 can of cheap beer. Real piss-water. Coors would be perfect. 1 bottle of lemon seltzer. Go for the generic Key Food stuff. 1 Glass. Pour the beer into the glass. Drink most of it - leave about 2 inches of beer in the bottom of the glass. If you used Coor's, you might want to pour it down the drain instead, but that doesn't really matter. Put the bottle of seltzer in the fridge, but open it first, so it'll go a little flat overnight. Leave the glass with the few ounces of beer out on the counter. Get a good night's sleep. The next morning, pour the slightly flat lemon seltzer into the extremely flat, warm beer leavings. YOU HAVE MADE YOUR OWN ZIMA. Cheers! I'd tell you the rest of the yellow train story, but I know you all want to rush down to the all-night Korean deli and brew up some Zima, so I'll let you go for tonight. - - - - - 104:153 ) KZ Date: 17-APR-94 11:34 When I first tried Zima, over a year ago, I thought as you did that it was awful. By the third zip I changed my mind and now I always keep zome in the fridge for those timez when I want an attitude adjustment and a vodka iz too much. - - - - - 104:154 ) Skyvue Date: 17-APR-94 11:45 You've fallen victim to their schemes! Somewhere, even as I post this, a guy in a suit is saying to another, "Can you believe they're falling for this stuff? Ha ha ha ha ha ha..." - - - - - 104:155 ) Eric A. Hochman Date: 17-APR-94 13:10 It's a real shame that Zima is so bad, because there aren't enough good drinks in the world that start with the letter Z. I bet itz made by the government and haz zecret experimental drugz in it. Oh, fuck...I'm doing it too now, and I just had one bottle, 3 dayz ago. - - - - - 104:156 ) Lord Bishop Suave X Date: 17-APR-94 14:11 Knock it off, alla you'se. - - - - - 104:157 ) Berg Man of Alcatraz Date: 18-APR-94 12:28 Zuck me off, ztickboy. - - - - - 104:158 ) Lord Bishop Suave X Date: 18-APR-94 19:06 That's it Berg, you are "on the list". - - - - - .