104:114) Eric A. Hochman Date: 05-APR-94 4:32 I know what you're gonna tell me - that if you stay at the Art Bar 'til 1:30 a.m., you deserve whatever happens to you on the way home. It's really all Topper's fault. I was on my way out, but she hypnotized me as I was walking by, and I ended up staying an extra hour. So I walk over to 14th and 7th, and the subway station is even weirder than usual. NOBODY is down there but me. No, wait, I was wrong - nobody was down there but me and several large mutant rats, merrily scampering across the tracks. I must digress for a moment and talk about the F train. The F train, to put it simply, is the slowest train in the universe. They run one about once every 40 minutes, and once you're on it, it takes about twice as long as you expect to get wherever you're going. This leads to a serious metaphysical problem. Right by the 7th Ave. F train stop, there is a coffee shop which sells newspapers, and a quite decent egg cream (it's not the Gem Spa, but then again, what is?). So the question is, should you stop and buy a paper and an egg cream? If you do, you'll have something to do while you wait, but you might miss the F by a couple minutes and YOU'D NEVER FORGIVE YOURSELF, WOULD YOU, JANET??? Bet you thought I'd forgotten all about you, huh? Of course, not stopping for a paper and egg cream could be just as bad - you may have already missed the train and now will have nothing to do for a half hour, except watch the mice on the subway tracks. This is exactly what I was doing the last time I had to wait for the F train. You would have done it too, if you'd been there, and having made the wrong decision, not bought a paper. The mice were about as enthralling as rodents get, but the funny part was that a couple minutes before the train finally showed up, some woman started watching me watch the mice. Vicarious thrills if I've ever seen 'em. I could tell she wanted to walk up and say "What kind of weirdo are you, watching mice in the subway?" but she couldn't quite get up the nerve to do it. She stared at me for the whole ride on the F. So anyway, back to 14th St. These rats were well worth watching - they were not normal. They were about a foot long, and I was damn glad they were down on the subway tracks and I wasn't. Just for fun, I threw them some Organic Cherry Drops from a little bag in my pocket. The rats ignored me, but from out of nowhere a transit cop appeared: "Hey, you! Were you feeding those rats?" "Well, yes, officer, I guess I was." I tried looking naive. It didn't work. "You can't do that in the subway." "Are you sure?" "Just look at the sign!" He pointed. Sure enough, there was a big sign on the wall, which said "Please Do Not Feed The Rats" I apologized and promised not to do it again, and just barely talked my way out of getting a ticket. Just then, all the rats ran and hid. You know what that meant. YELLOW TRAIN TIME! It was a little, 2-car one. Barred windows and doors, but nothing really weird on it. All the signs on it said "Not in Service." Like a yellow train ever comes in with a sign saying "Flatbush Avenue, Brooklyn," opens the doors, and everyone gets on to go home. I can't say that I much appreciated it when the driver honked right as he passed me, and someone in the train opened the back door and hit me on the head with a paperback book. I picked it up: "Tonya Harding, Hometown Hero" Who do they get to write those things? Finally, a normal train showed up, but as we approached Chambers St., I saw the scariest thing. On the local track, for about a quarter of a mile, it was wall-to-wall yellow train. I'm not sure if it was three or four of 'em together, or one really huge one, but I don't want to see it again and find out. There was one in the station too, full of wood and pipes, which about a dozen TA workers were unloading. At least I knew what they were doing, for a change. What the pipes were for, I don't even want to think about. - - - - - 104:115 ) Berg Man of Alcatraz Date: 05-APR-94 12:34 The pipes were for the rats. They are forming a gang. They will ride the Yellow Trains throughout the city, piping tourists that they come across, dragging the bodies back to the Queen Rat, who will breed with them and start a New Race of half-human, half-rat. These HuRatz will become the conductors of the Yellow Trains. I would tell you more about the conspiracy, but the pain from the implant behind my right ear is almosst unbearab - - - - - 104:116 ) Champhetamine Date: 05-APR-94 12:53 I want a sign that says "Please do not feed the rats." - - - - - .