104:108) Eric A. Hochman
Date: 02-APR-94  19:14

 So yesterday was April Fools, and I just had to play a little joke on the
 MTA and the yellow train drivers.  To prepare, I wore a suit, tie, and
 trenchcoat, bought a nice, official looking badge, and some fake ID,
 which said I was Stephen J. Berg, an agent of the Environmental Protection
 Agency (you really can get anything in Times Square, if you ask around
 a bit).

 Now, of course, having gone through all these preparations, you might
 expect that no yellow train would appear, or that it wouldn't stop and
 wait in the station (a necessary part of the plan).  I worried for
 nothing - after about 5 minutes on the platform, the perfect yellow train
 - a diesel engine, two flat cars full of trash dumpsters, and an old
 painted-over passenger car stopped just about right in front of me.  I
 was ready.  I walked over to the driver, flashed the badge, and said "Excuse
 me, this train is in violation of several EPA regulations.  You're going
 to have to shut it down and have it towed out of here."

 The driver looked at the badge, looked at me, looked at the train
 controls, and in a confused tone of voice said "Say what???"

 So I said to him "Look, I'll go through it slowly.  This train violates
 the Federal Environmental Code, statute 904.72, section B, which prohibits
 operating a diesel engine underground, 511.4, which prohibits discharging
 smoke, fumes, and/or noxious chemicals in a populated underground area,
 AND statute 1021, which states "it is unlawful to transport uncovered
 garbage on a passenger train line."

 The yellow train driver wasn't getting it.  His reply was "Could you say
 that in English?"

 Hi Janet!  Don't you wish you had taken me up on that offer? I'm sure
 this was more fun than whatever you did.

 So I explained it a bit more simply: "This train is polluting the air.
 You're not allowed to run it down here.  How many of these trains do you
 have, anyway?"  A crowd started to gather.  "Um, 20 or 30 I think. Don't
 know how many N trains they painted last night."  At least, I think
 that's what he said.  The crowd was getting a little noisy.

 "Well, for every day you run them, the MTA will be fined $200,000-$300,000,
 depending on how many trains there are."

 The driver took on a look of fear.  "Oh, fuck, there goes my pension!" he
 said, as he shut the train down; he said  "I'd better get my supervisor!"
 and took off down the platform.

 I picked one guy out of the crowd.  "I have to make a phone call.  If the
 driver comes back, tell him to wait for me, OK?"  He nodded yes, and I
 dashed up the stairs, walked three blocks, caught a D train, and went home.

 Service on the 2 was still fucked up this afternoon.  I bet they're still
 all there on 72nd St., trying to figure out if they can legally start up
 the yellow train and get it out of the way.

- - - - -
.