104:80) Eric A. Hochman Date: 26-MAR-94 1:50 So there I was, back on the Upper West Side tonight, fully expecting to see the same 6 yellow trains that were out yesterday. They seemed to have taken the night off - I saw one, but it was a little one, and going in the opposite direction anyway. I waved at it, and the driver got The Fear and sped up. But that's not what I wanted to tell you about. Tonight I want to talk about something you've probably all been wondering about as you read these episodes - how do I get away with riding the subway at all hours of the night without anything really bad ever happening to me? Yeah, I get Yellow Train Fear, and people occasionally surprise me with strange non-sequiturs, but my rides home tend to be pretty safe. Surreal, but safe. The answer may surprise you - it all comes down to selecting the proper READING MATERIAL. Yes, it helps that I can pick up the average subway rider and stuff him through the nearest window. It doesn't hurt to carry a retractable steel baton either (some night, ask me about how I got Tonya Harding to autograph it for me - it's quite a story, but a little too long to post tonight), but since no one ever sees it, that isn't why my subway rides are peaceful. Hi Janet! Want to meet me on the 72nd St. subway platform next Thursday, around 11? I promise you, it won't be your normal, boring date! It's a not terribly well-known fact that NOBODY can resist looking over your shoulder to see what you're reading on the subway. This fact can be used to your advantage, if you select your reading material carefully. The key is to read things that convince the person sitting next to you that you are completely psychotic. Actually being psychotic is helpful, but not necessary. Use your common sense about what to read to achieve the proper effect. Don't read the New York Times. Don't read The Joy of Cooking. Reading about serial killers is guaranteed to get the reaction you want (unless the person sitting next to you happens to be one, and decides to share his latest murder techniques with you. If this ever happens, improvise; go along with it. Let it never be said that I recommended getting a serial killer upset with you). The Village Voice had a wonderful cover story about serial killers a couple weeks ago. Yes, I know serial killers are passe, but the subway riding audience is not exactly on the cutting edge of such things. I kept people away from me for an entire week by carrying that copy of the Voice around. It helps if you actually like reading about such things, but even if you don't, try it anyway, and watch for the funny reactions you get. Because you've faithfully followed this saga for weeks, I'm going to share with you the ultimate in repulsive subway reading: ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE! Reading technical documents has a remarkable effect on most people in the subway. They'll look over your shoulder, read along for a page or two, slowly get a look of absolute terror on their faces, turn a most amusing shade of khaki, and get up and head for the next car! I've tried various subjects, and assembly language never fails! If someone scary sits down next to you, whip out that copy of Advanced 486 Programming, and they'll be gone in 5 minutes or less. I tried it tonight, just to keep in practice, and it works as well as ever. Yes, it helps if you actually want to learn assembly language, or need to know it for your job, but even if you don't - try it anyway, just for the amusing reactions you'll get. I'll even lend you a stray assembly language book, if you're interested in experimenting. - - - - - 104:82 ) Champhetamine Date: 26-MAR-94 10:10 Eric, so yer saying that Kernighan and Ritchie wouldn't cut it. But all I have are C books and a Unix book somewhere. Maybe the Unix book would work better. Of course, I don't have to worry about the subway here, being as how Seattle doesn't have one. And maybe it wouldn't work anyway, this being Gatesland . - - - - - 104:83 ) Garbled Uplink Date: 26-MAR-94 10:28 I highly recommend GORE ZONE magazine, it has LOTS of pictures to scare away the illiterate miscreants. - - - - - 104:84 ) Eric A. Hochman Date: 26-MAR-94 12:05 Cham, the C books should work fine; not quite as well as assembly language, but close enough. Try one out on the bus and let me know how it goes. You might even meet a nice C programmer who works for Microsoft, while scaring off everyone else. While I've never read Gore Zone, it sounds highly effective (although a little unsubtle). By the way, all of these items work better if you occasionally laugh at an inappropriate moment. - - - - - 104:85 ) Iceblink Luck (dorje) Date: 26-MAR-94 12:50 I always found the emptiness teachings of maitreya work well. especially the descriptions of the 10 levels of bodhisattvahood. course i can't understand that any better than assembly. - - - - - .