62:133) Midnight Rambler                                10-SEP-92   1:48
  Hey! This IS the FUCKING RODENT! item...
  but I digress.
  The ULTIMATE RAT TALE: "SUCKING RODENTS!"
  (Warning: The Surgeon General has determined that eating and reading this
  message can result in reverse peristalsis...)

  So, I was living in a railroad flat in Park Slope with Crazy Jane and
  Lucy the Wonderdog, and two cats named Sheba and Tut. I liked Tut. He
  pissed in Crazy Jane's shoes on a regular basis.
  One day, Billy, a friend of Jane's, came to visit. They invited me to
  join them for a drink, while they reminisced about the days when they
  first met, in the mental hospital. Billy and Jane were both diagnosed as
  schizophrenics, so they had a lot in common. Neither one heard voices
  anymore, except the same ones I could also hear. But Jane knew that she
  had to watch through the peephole for at least an hour every evening, so
  the West Indians upstairs wouldn't do something bad to her. Jane knew
  all about voodoo. Her last boyfriend had left a dead chicken on the
  doorstep when they broke up. Her previous roommate thought it was
  dinner, and wasn;t disturbed by it at all...but Jane knew better, and
  would never eat chicken from that day on.
  Jane told Billy about the halfway house she'd lived in before finding
  this flat. She shared an apartment with three other former patients. One
  of them had a boyfriend who would visit regularly. He claimed he could
  suck liquids up his penis, and finally insisted on demonstrating this
  ability at the dinner table. He inserted his penis into a glass of
  water, and as god was Jane's witness, he sucked that glass dry. The next
  day she moved out.
  Billy thought that was a unique talent. Billy had little use for his own
  penis, since the doses of Thorazine and Mellerill that he took made it
  no more than a fleshy egress for urine. But Billy still had a vague
  memory of the general idea of sex.
  And Billy had a pet rat.
  It was not a fancy rat. Not a laboratory rat, or the cute, squeaky clean
  rats sold as snake food at the pet store. It was just a rat. When he
  found it in his kitchen, it was a baby. He mistook it for a mouse, named
  it Mickey, and kept it in a cage. Actually, it wasn't a cage. It was one
  of those humane traps. Billy was so humane, he couldn't bring himself to
  kill Mickey. So he fed him, and Mickey grew. Finally he grew too large
  for the trap/cage, and Billy would carry him around in his pocket. He
  loved going into bars, and watching the reaction when Mickey crept out
  of his pocket.                   
  Mickey was pretty content to hang out with Billy, seeing as how Billy
  would feed him everything that Billy ate. Mickey developed a taste for
  cold pizza, burritos, and spaghettios. He also drank beer...the rat
  equivalent of a six-pack a day.

  One night, Billy won Mickey's heart forever. They were hangin' out in one
  of Billy's favorite bars. Billy and Mickey had each lapped up their
  weight in beer. The neighborhood girls had taken their turns squealing
  at Mickey...and had progressed, with sufficient beers imbibed, to the
  point of playing with Mickey. They let him run up their arms and into
  their blouses, to be fished out by Billy.
  "Poor Mickey" Billy observed "never gets sex. Neither do I, for that
  matter...but it ain't Mickey's fault. I ruined him for his own kind.
  They won't touch a rat with human scent on 'im!"
  It was suggested that Billy owed the rat an orgasm.
  Billy considered that a fair thought. He began to play with the rat's
  penis. Mickey soon was visibly aroused.
  Billy raised the ante to the price of his running tab.
  The bartender bit.
  Billy sucked.
  Mickey rolled his rat eyes up into his head, and shot his tiny ratwad.
  Billy gargled the last beer, and scooped up Mickey, and put him in his
  pocket.
  After that, Mickey follwed Billy all over the house with a simpy smirk
  on his ratpuss. If Billy sat down, Mickey climbed up his lap, up his
  shirt, and sat on Billy's face. Billy would awaken at night, to find his
  mouth filled with rat.

  I never found out what became of the rat after that. Just at that point
  in the story, Lucy the Wonderdog had the shit beated out of her by
  Sheba, and in the ensuing chaos, the end of the story was lost.
  I thought it was significant that Billy, who never gave a rat's ass for
  much of anything, at least gave a rat head.
.