#1 january 1.

"son, i just want you to know: life is a black sucking vortex of anguish and
despair, filled with brief moments of false hope and empty joy all the while
dragging you inevitably closer to final, absolute and eternal death."

"thanks, dad..."

#2 january 2.

             the whole year sucks

january's cold and dark. that sucks, right through until
february, when it's my birthday, which always sucks. then
march is usually windy, but even if it's not, it sucks.
april suck she will, invariably, and
may may or may not suck much, but it sucks nevertheless.
june, for some reason i don't know why, sucks too.
july is bright and full of suck, while
august is nice but will suck you by the time it's over, and
september succinctly sucks.
october is full of spirits that go suck in the night, whereas
november sucks the very pith from the bowels of your empty, wretched soul.
december sucks, just when you thought you could be sucked no more.

                                          -john quill taylor

#3 january 3.

sometimes i am foolish enough to indulge in a little nostalgia for those poigna
nt days of my youth.  but such strolls down memory lane only serve by way of co
ntrast to exacerbate the already unbearable level of my current pain.

when i start to think about the next ten years, i begin to black out.

                                           -john a. johnson
#4 january 4.

reasons for/against life


              for                 |          against
      ----------------------------+--------------------------
                                  |  easier just to die
                                  |
                                  |  future is just like past -
                                  |    why prolong it
                                  |
                                  |  every day passes like the last,
                                  |    minute by minute, nothing happens,
                                  |    why drag on for rest of life?
                                  |
                                  |  why work merely to survive?
                                  |
                                  |  save time - death inevitable
                                  |
                                  |  might be forced to use an ibm pc
                                  |    at some point in the future..
                                  |

                                            -mike marsden

#5 january 5.

"hello there--"
"do i know you?"
"well, no, i just thought i'd introd--"
"why are you talking to me?"
"look, i'm just trying to be friendly--"
"why me?  why are you bothering me?  please go away."

life?  this isn't life.  it can't possibly count as life.

                                            -xibo

#6 january 6.

      "what is the meaning of life"?
      "what is the answer to life, the universe, and everything"?
      "why am i here"?
      "what is my purpose"?

      the answer to these questions, which have been puzzling philosophers
       for many millenia, is quite simple.

      we are here to die.

      we are born, we are educated, we work our fingers to the bone earning
       money, then we snuff it. all of us. we all die sooner or later, so why
       do we spend so much effort on the intervening steps? it is because
       the human mind is unable to consider the fact that it is all futile,
       that we are wasting our time, that there is no purpose to existence.

      so, why live? no reason whatsoever. except that we lack the courage to
       finish that which is worthless. we are frightened of death- but why?
       there is no reason.


                                              -mike mars

#7 january 7.

why live?
to be humiliated, pestered, bothered, abused, to suffer,
to be in pain, to be sad and depressed, to get sick, to
grow old, to watch yourself decay with the years, to eat
cafeteria food, to be stressed, repressed, compressed,
supressed, constipated, infected and defected.

and to go to school.
                                          -ivelisse atiles

#8 january 8.

the only thing that keeps me from the oblivion after a thoroughly pointless
existence is the meager personal enjoyment i can scratch from the opressive
shithole that we live in.  this is a personal thing.  if i accidentally
cheered you up, let me say this:  i really don't care about a single thing
that dosen't directly pertain to my life.  why should i?  nothing really
matters in the scheme of things, for there is no scheme of things!
   i couldn't care less how you feel,
for the only thing you can get out of a pointless universe is a twisted sense
of personal enjoyment.  you go ahead and kill yourself.  now.  i doubt it will
have any effect on my enjoyment of life.  i figure that life can only
provide so much entertainment, after which it becomes a huge wasteland of
boredom. but as long as you might be able to claw out a tiny shred of pleasure,
why not get a little blood under your nails?  then axe it.

i derive pleasure by bitching at you.  were i dead, i could not.  fuck you.

if life is pointless, what's the point of killing yourself?  what's the point
of not killing yourself?  there ain't none, buckaroo!  i think it's your fault
for being the one who cheered up, not mine for saying what i did.  i am never
depressed.  there is no depression.  there is only boredom.

-peter a. kemmer

#9 january 9.

life is pointless,
death is pointless,
only spam has meaning.

 -david william crook

#10 january 10.

as i grow older, i grow weary of the little tricks people play on
themselves to convince themselves that they are useful and important.
gravity is useful and important.  time is useful and important.
nature, in a way, is useful and important.  humans are useless parasites
and ought to be extincted.

      -the krill, yes i too am useless and unimportant

#11 january 11.

> cutting your arms will take you approx 8 hours....

eight hours is wimpy, how about eighty years !?!

here's a particularly sick and depraved way to do it: prolong your
life as long as possible, run it out to the max, don't smoke or drink,
screw prostitutes or shoot dope -- that might make it too easy,
too quick.  naw, go for the ultimate slow dive, it's better than a
grenade in the headrest i mean your friends can film this long
cruel process with impunity and what's more it's completely unstoppable.
historically this method has had a 100% success rate so you never
feel embarassed or stupid hanging out with your arms taped up.
best part is the moralizing buttheads cant stop you.

               -cliff neighbors

#12 january 12.

anxiety attack

o god am i depressed; this always happens to me when i'm sitting at the
terminal avoiding serious work and i think o my god! i'm wasting away my life
which has no meaning anyway and why does it always rain when i don't have work
but whenever i see a bright blue sky full of fluffy white clouds it's on my
way to a deserted basket case of a mall half an hour away to sell shoes to
gullible people and god is there hope for the human race (note the dramatic
capitals) when people like this walk the earth? i hate my job i hate school i
hate this network i hate myself o god everyone hates me no no no!!! the walls
are closing in i can't breathe i'm going to go insane!!!!!!!!!!


  there, i feel much better now.
                               anxiously yours,
                               -chris castiglione

#13 january 13.

death is before me today:
like the odor of myrrh,
like sitting under a sail in a good wind.

death is before me today:
like the course of a stream,
like the return of a man from the war-galley to his house.

death is before me today:
like the home that a man longs to see,
after years spent as a captive.

          -dorothy parker

#14 january 14.

i close my eyes, death creeps upon me
for of life i can no longer see
drowning further into darkness, blackness captures me.
life to me was simply no good;
i could no longer stand the pain of living;
death was all that mattered to me.
i wished it upon myself day after day;
to me there was simply just no other way.

i tries for years, i really tried hard,
but all it proved was that this weak figure was meant to die.
night after nigh i lay crying in my room,
thinking of ways to pass the lonely days aheard of me
that i knew i'd never be able to face.
nobody is me.  they will never replace the lovely smile
that once rested upon my face, my eyes that once
used to shine are dull and red.
death to me is all that lies in my head.  i can't
think of another way for me to go on.
i tried to live my live for so long, but things only got worse,
not better.  this is the only solution to my problem; you see, it's
one i chose to use even if it is a permanent one; it's better than none.
i chose this one, it's best for me.  i close my eyes and death
is all i see.

                           -m. look

#15 january 15.

i gave up usenet for a couple months.  i don't suppose anyone missed me.

it happened on a balmy june day as i walked along a north carolina beach,
watching dead and dying things get bashed against rocks in step with
the cosmic dance.  it hit me: "hell, i'm having fun, and i haven't read news
for days." i resolved that when i got back to dreary baltimore i'd find better
uses for my time than reading usenet.

you figure that when you leave for a while, some things will change.  not so.
all the groups have the same set of regulars as before, repeating the same
things they have always said.  the threads remain the same.  witness, for
example, the great debate about why female-folk can't seem to clue in to how
wonderful alt.angst guys really are, and why the thread really doesn't belong
in alt.angst, anyway, but should be left to the losers in soc.singles.

worst of all, i am faced with the realization that usenet went on in my
absence.  perhaps not a single reader thought "paul's not here; what do i
do now?"  i was not welcomed back when i made my first posting.  no one said
"thank god you're here!  our group was at the brink of the abyss, and you've
come to save it."  just the thought that usenet could have an independent
existence without me is bad enough, but i get the distinct impression that
my absence didn't even slow it down.

alas, for a messiah without a following.
                -paul callahan

#16 january 16.

   there is a need within us all to be close to other human beings.  we all fear
to be close to others, therefore we distance ourselves, either literally, or by
using false selves so we don't have to really deal with each other.  herein lies
true angst.

-christopher strom

#17 january 17.

"goodbye cruel world
 i'm leaving you today
 goodbye,
 goodbye,
 goodbye.
 goodbye all you people
 there's nothing you can say
 to make me change my mind,
 goodbye."

          -pink floyd

"and if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
 i'll see you on the dark side of the moon"

#18 january 18.

how often do i see it, the lonely man, trying to make his life just a bit
less lonely, stumbling into new, scary territory, risking embarassment and
social ostracization, watch him fail miserably, get labeled as yet another
person who "merely wants to get laid" (which is, by the way, evil, unless
you follow the proper mating ritual, which these males would never do, since
they recognize it for what it is: stupid) and since all males who "merely
want to get laid" are probably just potential sources of date rape, or whiny
depedency, or one-night-stands, or other previous bad experiences the woman
has had, she drops the guy quick & hard, and he runs back to his deep, dark
hole, to hide from the world for several months, sometimes years, till he
slowly build up courage for the day when he can go through all of this
shit again.

and the one thing that really makes me wonder, that sends an occasional
shiver down my spine, is what in the world ever happens to these people.
do they all commit suicide, or what?  live out their lives in terror?

                     -xibo

#19 january 19.

first or late any intelligent man reflecting on his life will find that
out mortality is the most important and basic thing. everything else
should come after this consciusness. it is wrong to believe in art
or in the power of our ridicolous intelligence: our wisdom is just able to
reflect and to become bent over his own misbalance.
first or late any intelligent man reflecting on life will consider death
closely and will conclude that it is the true goal of our existence,
not terrifying but indeed very consoling.
so suicide will not apper as a flight or the following of the weak spirit
but a rational choice of the fairsighted.

                         -david vincenzetti

#20 january 20.

         there's little in taking or giving,
	there's little in water or wine:
	this living, this living, this living,
         was never a project of mine.
	oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
	the gain of the one at the top,
	for art is a form of catharsis,
	and love is a permanent flop,
	and work is the province of cattle,
	and rest's for a clam in a shell.
	so i'm thinking of throwing the battle--
	would you kindly direct me to hell ?

                      -dorothy parker

#21 january 21.

this is my official notice of intent to resign from any further pursuit of ever
finding a mate. i will now go with much too little sleep, eat way too little,
drink too much coffee, smoke too many cigarettes, and work myself to death in a
real short timespan.

               -frederick j. polsky

#22 january 22.

i fucking hate emotions more than anything else in this world. i
hate what they make you feel and even more what they make you do.
if there is anything that could make my life more enjoyable it
would be the ability to turn my goddam emotions off and on at will.

              -chris

#23 january 23.

 so, you think the average american is so superficial it makes you
sick huh?? well this attitude makes me very angry and .... wait a
moment ......"wheel of fortune" just came on......later!

                            -martin stuczynski

you forgot the smiley

:):):):):):):):):):)):

-alex bunker

#24 january 24.

 there is no hope.

   -eric murray

in this game, the winner is also the loser, and the judge's decisions are final

#25 january 25.

# geez, guys, why don't you throw yourselves under a truck or something
# if you feel that way.  yes, life is hard and can be quite painful--i'd
# say i've experienced more than my fair share of that.

well, of course, most of us did kill ourselves already, but you'll never
hear from them, as they're dead.

the rest of us don't know better, i guess.

# i know i'm very open to flames here, but i hope i've made somebody
# think.

yes, i'm always made to think after a mere 10 lines of text.  like
i've never heard those streams of thought anywhere before, like it's
totally new, like the world really iz a k00l place to live, d00d-- did
you see dat old lady that got hit by a car?   wow, she was really smashed
up!  like trees and rocks and infiniti, mixed with blodd an brane juice

xibo

we all have a biff inside

#26 january 26.

i find it severely depressing that i can't always enjoy life
even though it _is_ completely meaningless.  humankind is merely
a bunch of frenetic bits of protoplasm, busily killing other
bits of protoplasm so they can pass their own genes on and make
still more bits of protoplasm.  we're an eddy in a random backcurrent
of the stream of evolution.  there's no reason for humankind
to exist, and certainly no reason for any particular bit
to exist or not.

once you beleive that, it's realy hard to get very excited
about humankind.  maybe after we kill ourselves off, the next
critter to develop too much intelligence for it's own good
will be a species of ant, or tiger, or cockroaches.  if we
don't nuke 'em all before our own species expires.

most days i can forget that there's no purpose to life and
enjoy whatever i'm doing, riding my motorcycle at excessive
speed, playing obnoxious music at excessive volume, or going to
downtown palo alto with my punk girlfriend (hi!) and watch the
yuppies watching us.  but every so often that big black cloud
sort of sneaks up on me and pins me down.  that's when i crawl
over to alt.angst to whimper for a while, and flame the shit out
of whining college boys who beleive "that cherished myth- that
falling in love magically solves every problem you're ever had."
(jello biafra, "mate, spawn and die" an excellent albeit temporary
 cure for depression.)

                                -eric murray

#27 january 27.

i'd just like to tell everyone that, as i'm typing this,
i'm fucking this girl i just met (you can imagine the
position).  now, this girl is beeeeeaaautiful, and she
and i would just like to express our disdain at this time
for you pathetic alt.angsters who couldn't get laid if you
were eggs in a hen's distended uterus.
well, since her back is to the screen, i'd just like to tell
everyone how i'm going to treat her like shit, so that she can
go to some guy like most of you, who she'll talk to platonically
about how bad i treat her, while all the while the guy she's
talking to is desiring her madly, but, being the sensitive
alt.angst type he is, is afraid to say anything.  then, having
worked out her frustrations talking to the poor, sensitive
alt.angst type, she'll come back to me for some more good sex,
and i'll treat her like shit again.
life's good.

love,
-brad baillod

#28 january 28.

angst:  realizing that even good advice is resented by the hearer, and
	the teller hated.

            -malcolm l. carlock

#29 january 29.

teen angst is something that results when you realize that the whole world
is screwed up and you only have a few useful years to do anything about it before
you get sucked into being a part of why its so messed up. post-teenage
angst is that hopelessness that you feel when you realize you wasted
your only chance to change your miserable little corner of the universe on
keg parties and chasing after females that rejected you anyways, and now
you've been sucked into the whole machine and must grind out your
remaining years as another redundant cog that perpetuates the whole thing.

           -stephen j. okay

#30 january 30.

its so easy in our society to manufacture happiness and convince
people that they're happy when they're really not. you're never
supposed to be sad or show distress or angst, that would disturb
others and make them think, rather than having them trudge along
blindly buying everything you can sell them.  with so much stuff
out there claiming to be real and offer contentment, its hard to
know when you really are happy, and when you're just being anesthetized.

but at least you know for sure when you hurt. at least you can trust pain.
you *know* when somebody's stomping on you.

i'm not a masochist(although some will undoubtedly say that i am), just
somebody who prefers to live in the real world, instead of some
corp-generated,packaged, synthesized pseudo-reality that people keep
trying to shove down my throat.

for me angst is a part of reality that most people don't want to face.
they just want to be left alone, anethestized.
i'd much rather prefer to be awake...

                -stephen okay

"welcome to the politically correct states of america. please turn your mind
in to the nearest oppressed minority pressure group. it will be returned to
you once we've decided what you can think"

#31 january 31.

  the point i was trying to make is that post-teenage angst is the sense that
you wasted your one and only chance to change the world, or at least your
section of it on trivial things and now there's nothing you can do about it.
you wasted your rebellious and socially awake years on sheer lawlessness and
undirected rebellion and when you finally got around to channelling that anger
and energy into something useful, its too late!!...they're forcing you to go off
to college and get a career that you'll slave at for the next 2-3 decades and
trying to force you into being part of the machine....

but is that the whole point of everything?? is that all that there is to do?
why should i have to feel like i'm missing something just because i don't
have a whole bunch of ankle-biters running around in a suburban house that
i owe some bank my life for?
do you have to get married and owe sombody $450k just to be happy?
not imho. i may be angstful and depressed at times, but i think i'm actually
happier this way that if i were one amongst the masses.

if being a drone is what success in the game is all about, i for one am
not playing! i refuse to perpetuate the crap that is constantly being handed
from the previous generation to their successors on the one to succeed me.

                   -stephen okay

#32 february 1.

   i don't know what she wants, but i know its not me.
i mean, its never me, is it? that's all i know about women.
a short statement. whoever they might be looking for,
its not me. they might be looking for someone exactly like
me, but just not me. anyone but me. women meet me and
immediately think how much other women would find me attractive
some way or another, but they never do themselves. funny.
we talked for a very long time, and covered none of the
things we needed to know for our final. so of course we
have to meet again. i have no idea what will happen. she's
very nice, very attractive. but she's intelligent, so obviously
not interested. how many times tonight did i want to
challenge her? how many times did i want to ask her if she
was so sure that she would consider me herself, to prove
that i'm not, as i believe, the god of rejection. no dice.
of course i can't ask her. that would be too easy. much
better to know her for a long time and then ruin a good
friendship by asking her out and then being ashamed to
talk to her again. anything else... would be impossible.

                            -monty

#33 february 2.

i am so fucking sick of seeing the line "get a life." these people
always seem to think that if someone's life doesn't meet their standards
then they obviously do not have a life. fuck them. in my opinion anyone
who puts forth this line is an utter idiot with no real conception of
what they condemn others of not having. maybe we like wallowing in our
angst. maybe we actually deal with life better by living this way. does
this ever occur to them? i hate life so much sometimes but i also love
it to death at others. i am so fucking full of angst sometimes but at
others i am at the top of it all. that is the reason i have never seriously
considered killing myself. it's sorta like golf. i keep playing life
for those occasional awsome shots which keep me going.

     -chris

#34 february 3.

yes folks, you got it. you, your wallets, and your tvs and all your friends
and their tvs and their wallets are slaved, hypnotized, mesmerized and
silently pilfered by good ol' giggling uncle adolph once a year just 'cause
he needs to sell you more beer!. for what he and the other beer companies
are able to pull off here, i wouldn't be surprised if he was bob dobbs twin
crib-switched brother!!!. hallelujah! the super bowl is truly a bob-blessed
event. who else could sucker 70% of america into staring in front of the
goggle box for 10 hours straight while they silently had all the slack
sucked out of their pink little bodies and then sold back to them as a
.00000000000000001% solution at 10x the f&^$%^& price!!!!!. and the
best part of it all is you pay him to do it!!!!!! yes you do!!!
and you like it!!!!!. and they tell you you like it, and you believe
them!. how else could they sucker you out $550 in freezing parking lot in
an otherwise rusting midwest industrial city just so you can go inside and
freeze your ass off on a cold concrete bench when it was freezing off perfectly
fine outside. but hey!, thats okay, it was totally worth it. cause now you
can at least pay $10 for a slice of red-colored, plastic-coated bread that
somebody had the brass ones to call pizza and what else??--yup!, you
guessed it.....beeeeeeeeerrr!. don't you feel proud of yourself now?
you've spent over $1.5k just to get to minneapolis so you can sit in the
cold and drink a cup of uric acid somebody managed to sneak past the health
board as being beer and watch what from this far up in the stadium looks
like a bunch of paint-splattered mice running around on a green, ruled
postage stamp.

so, relax, go back to sleep, just keep buyin' those dorito's and making
ann heuser happy, you only have to do this once a year.....so far.......

                     -stephen okay

#35 february 4.

>everyone knows that being a sports fan is supposed to provide a mix of
>emotions for people who normally don't get the opportunity to
>experience them.  i for one think that the sb succeeds completely in
>this regard.  i just decide what sort of emotion i want, and pick a
>team to root for accordingly.

yup...just pick how you want to feel and there will always be somebody there
to sell it to you in many fashion colors. for an additional $20 they'll sell
you the validation you need to believe that you really feel this way.
get in a group of people who've been similarily pandered to and
had the wool pulled over their eyes and you'd be surprised how real it all
feels.

>now, if you bite too hard into the sb or any other sports event, you
>find there's nothing there.  but if you just swish it around in your
>mouth for a while, you'll find it has a pleasant mouthfeel, and it has
>that lingering aftertaste of emptiness that leaves you immediately
>looking for more.

glorp has a way of doing that to you. its their way of making sure you'll
come back for more next year. and isn't that pink color wonderful???

                   -stephen okay

#36 february 5.

my company is the perfect place for the corporate-climbing dweeb who
just went to school to make money. the sort of person "future's so
bright" is about. and that ain't me -- the attitude of productivity
being secondary to politics is driving me nuts. the only thing i
really want with the money is to get out of debt; buy my eventual
freedom. student loans are like indentured servitude, but without a
specific owner.

with the time overhead of living my life, such as it is, i'm left with
maybe two free hours a night. and never having more than two hours to
rub together at a time doesn't even loan itself well to reading a
novel, let alone any more ambitious projects.

after five months, there's still no one in the area i'm familiar
enough with to just call up and hang out with. for all its flaws, i
tell you, at least it was a lot easier to meet people in college.

i think i'll get myself entirely out of debt and then finally off
myself. just to be that way.

yeah, maybe this is more whining than angstful. oh well -- sucks to be
you reading this shit -- i'm too tired to do it right. good night and
pleasant dreams.

            -zed

#37 february 6.

> i once heard a blues singer say that there are only three types of blues:
>
> 	1) the "i aint got no money" blues
> 	2) the "i aint got no woman" blues (obviously politically uncorrect)
> 	3) the "i aint got no money and i aint got no woman" blues.

i think nearly everyone posting to this group has type 3 blues. it's
also known as life.

and if you redefine type 2 as a specific case of "i ain't got no
significant other" blues then you can describe the same situation and be
politically correct, and you've got the blues for all occasions.

            -kilroy

#38 february 7.

	i have one single thing to say:
arrgh!!!!!!!! why the hell does life suck so much? just why does the
existance of every living thing on this planet have to be marred by the
fact that even though we have consciousness to feel and love and laugh,
this is all rendered useless by the fact that we all feel shit, are
unloved and are laughed at.
	what supreme twist of a distant uncaring diety or the blind
rumbling mill of fate could cause this situation? and the worst of this
thing, the very worst thing about it is that every single person i know
seems to think that they are happy, that everyone else is happy and that
i, i who has seen as others here seen to have seen, am at fault. i am
silently despised or pitied in a detached way by these people. why
should i care. i see that they will be dust in a comically short period
of time, as i will.
	damn fate, damn god, damn everyone, damn the blind and the
uncaring. damn them all.
	i am very bitter at this point.

                          -andrew murdoch

#39 february 8.

 i think it's about time we introduce a new word (well, two to be
more precise) denoting the sacred state of complete meaninglessness: 'the
existetial vacuum'. our home was given name by austrian psychiatrist
viktor frankl and he describes people in this state thus: "they have a
feeling of complete meaningslessness of their lives. they are tormented by a
feeling of inner emptiness, absolute emptiness; they are caught in a situation i
have named 'the existential vacuum'". even generally happy and content sheep
experience this in the shape of the "sunday neurosis" (a frankl word again), the
depression that attack quite a few people sunday afternoon when they suddendly
realize the complete meaninglessness of being. douglas adams has a very good
description of this in "life, the universe and everything" wherein he describes
an immortal being:  'in the end, it was the sunday afternoons he couldn't cope
with, and a terrible listlessness which starts to set in at about 2.55, when you
know that you've already had all the baths you can usefully have that day, that
however hard you stare at any given paragraph in the papers you will never
actually read it, or use the revolutionarily new pruning technique it describes,
and that as you stare at the clocks the hands will move relentlessly on to four
o'clock, and you will enter the long dark teatime of the soul.'

                              -steven snedker

#40 february 9.

it is very hard to live without values. life becomes confusing, meaningless and
disconnected if everything is equally good, or equally bad. the first step in
the direction of a meaning with it all is to find out what values one associates
with, and what values one disassociates with. find out what you want to do with
your allotted years. it's not easy, and living in a society where economy is
the only yardstick that has any significance in the debate doesn't make it any
easier... the quality of an individuals life measured in number of tv's in a
household (!). i can't recall that i have ever heard my massa or any of my fellow
workers say anything other than 'if we maximize the export, and minimize the
import and you work well, and don't make too much off a fuss about problems that
doesn't really exist, we will all be happy'. parents, the school and mass media
has learnt us that work is the real meaning of life, and as we work our fingers
to the bone earning money, we don't really have the time to think about it all.
it seems to me that most people have an approach to their own lives like: 'if
we all keep very quiet, it might go away and leave us unharmed, and we might
even get a nice house along the way'. well, "#%&|*! them.

                               -steven snedker

#41 february 10.

      "why am i here"?

to imitate the earthworms. food in the one end, shit out the other. 70 years
of shit if you're not faulty. you might even get the chance to create other
earthworms who can take over when you die. but it doesn't really matter if you
just die, there are billions of other earthworms to continue. if you want to see
it any other way, you will have to use your imagination. but you are already
using it so nothing's wrong with that.

>      "what is my purpose"?

you haven't got one. you are a free man. congratulations.

you may despair.

  - steven snedker

#42 february 11.

isn't it nice the way that people tend to forget that all solvable
problems are meaningless, until their solvable problems have
been temporarily solved?

kill myself, or live as a [burden on/productive member of] society?
left shoe on first, or right shoe?  sitting or standing?  who cares?

i retract a statement i made earlier.  being fantasically rich,
studly, and in all ways successful (and extremely charitable, too, for
good measure and to fend off the it-is-what-you-do-for-others-that-gives-
life-meaning-ists) is not a disqualification from this group, as long as
it means nothing to you.

snedker says we're free.  free!!?

the lid is off, you're free!  fly like a fruitcake let loose of its
tin!  a whole world awaits--can you pull yourself a little
smaller?

   -eric boesch

#43 february 12.

    just remember that women hate all men, not just you. they pretend to like
    the ones that they see they can get material gain from.

    -frederick j. polsky

#44 february 13.

roses are red
violets are blue
leave me alone
i want to die.

  -the winner of the angst poetry contest at carleton college

#45 february 14.

and the truth shall not make you free- just uncomfortable.

                                    -tod mikuriya
#46 february 15.

        'because you gave no answer,
         i hope you get cancer,
         and  that the pricks
         you fancy, treat you
         like shit, and may you
         get a terminal disease.'

         -john p. doherty

#47 february 16.

                        word association poem

        valentines day          massacre
        roses                   thorns
        hearts                  blood
        cards                   bad hand
        boxed candy             boxed in head
        love                    a lie!  a stinking lie!  we're alone!  all of
                                us are alone!  we enter the world alone and we
                                die alone!  there is no love!  everyone spends
                                their whole life looking out for number one and
                                never really gives damn about anyone else!
                                love?  don't make me laugh!  it's just a lie
                                so that people have an excuse for wanting sex!
                                love?  a cultural illusion that wreaks more
                                pain than joy!  oh, yeah, sure i keep trying,
                                but what's the point?  i'm chasing the
                                impossible!  it's all just pain!  pain!  pain!
                                when will i stop lying to myself!

                                -reverend smeagol

#48  february 17.

i used to have dreams that my parents were really psychologists engaged in
an experiment on me that would eventually be done and get rid of me.  in the
dream, my father tries to bury me in the backyard, and when i try to claw
my way to the surface as he is piling dirt on me, he hits me with the shovel
repeatedly until i wake up.

my head still hurts to this day.

  -scott graves

#49 february 18.

  "amor vincit omnia, not"       [latin for "love conquers all, not"]

      well, love hath conquered me many times.  when it is done conquering,
    it stomps on my bleeding carcass, kicks me in the nose, rips my arms
    off, knee-es me in the balls, takes a chain-saw to my heart, twists
    my brain around its little finger, and throws me to the frozen tundra,
    where i await the coming of the ice-weasels.

    and i come back for more...

     -gezelter

#50 february 19.

oh ghod. it's been another one of those times when i can't get to sleep
without crying myself into exhaustion first. i can't stop thinking about
how worthless i am, and i feel like such a weakling for needing someone to
tell me that i'm not. so i have a degree. i want someone to celebrate it
for me. i told my mother and i got a "that's nice dear", and then an abrupt
subject change. i want someone to tell me i've done a great thing. hell,
i'm through college with no intstiutional loans or grants. i've worked
2-4 jobs every semester and my gpa is respectable. but worst of all, i feel
like a fool and a weakling for needing the attention, needing someone to
tell me "i done good". i've cried so much in the last few weeks. it's more
than just being unemployed. i can get a cheezy job somewhere. it's that i
feel like a waste of time and resources. and they were all my own.

i know that i should be able to tell myself that i've done well, that i
shouldn't need someone else's approval. but knowing that makes it even more
difficult to stop crying. my dogs are wonderin what's wrong. the funny noises
i'm making confuse them. but at least i tire myself out so that i can go
to sleep without the whirlwind of terror whipping through my brain.

i'm tired in the daytime, but i can't sleep at night...

  -rachel j. perkins

#51 february 20.

.... he told of how he couldn't handle it anymore, how he thought
nothing would get any better, and how he sat on his bed, crying, cutting into his
wrists.  he looked at a picture of himself and two friends from a team he was on.
 he looked.  he could only find one reason to keep going, and that was for his
one friend in the photo.

things just got worse.  his former girlfriend had been raped, he felt alone.

he tried again.  he slashed his wrists, and was bleeding, but then he stopped,
and thought about his friend, and crying, patched himself up.

when he got to school, he couldn't hide the scars from his friends.  they tried
to get him to talk to the guidance counselor, etc.  his old girlfriend saw the
scars, showed him her wrists, and said, "now we match."

he couldn't take it.  he couldn't take knowing that he was that girl's only
support, that his life seemed hopeless, that it seemed like it would never get
better, just keep crushing him again and again.  he was sobbing, and he cut his
wrists one last time.  he laid there, but couldn't get his friend from the
photograph out of his mind.  his one friend.  the only thing he had to live for.

he went to the bathroom and bandaged up his wrists.

  -saul hudson

#52 february 21.

most people are other people.  their thoughts are someone else's
opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.

     -oscar wilde

#53 february 22.

10:20
arrive home.  stand in parking lot staring at the building where the cute
redhead lives.  flash for a second on the thought of sharing some time with
her.  stare up at the sky.  it's clearing up.  yep, definitely a boring
night at hand.
10:30
stare at first foot again.  consider staring at the wall.  think of how
i could be at work getting ahead on the next week.
10:40
wonder if it's just me, or if it's tucson.  unable to decide what is wrong
with tucson, i come to the unpleasant alternative decision.
10:50
consider going to bed.  wonder if i can even remember how to cry.

             -xibo, "am i dying, am i dead."

#54 february 23.

i had an idea though....make a pact with yourself: agree to kill
yourself on (say) your fortieth birthday...you can work 'til you're
around thirty then leave and spend 10 years enjoying the money...or take
a loan from the bank...travel...see the world...it is beautiful where it
hasn't been fucked up...come here and have lunch with me...and at forty
having spent time enjoying the best years of your life...you end...

   -lucifuge

#55 february 24.

the purpose of life is accepting the fact that life doesn't have a
purpose. there are no reasons. you live to live then die.

  -lucifuge

#56 february 25.

you live for the hell of it.

sometimes.

seldom.

actually, almost never.

-steven snedker

#57 february 26.

funerals should be on rainy days.

  -jesper lauridsen

#58 february 27.

 there is no reason to assume that someone else is judging you as to the
meaning in your life. it's up to you to give meaning to it. also, having a
meaningful life is not dependent on religion or faith - it depends on doing
what you want to accomplish, or trying to. for a start, i think it would be a
good thing to do what you get pleasure from doing - or is mental and physical
feedback something to be ignored and dismissed as meaningless?

  -norrish

#59 february 28.

i am not bored by my work and my life is not going to hell.

that my life was bad before, and has been getting worse for a long
time means nothing.

it is always darkest before the dawn.

and women?  sure, i haven't boggled any of them with my limitless
charms this year, or this decade for that matter, but that's just
because i haven't met miss right yet.

those of the opposite sex do not hate me.

even if i have made no attempts at impressing anyone, and completing
the bare minimum red tape of life seems not merely tedious but an
impossibly huge task,

and

i do not get headaches thinking about my miserable life and diseased
personality.

there.

i feel better now.

well.  how has it worked for you so far?  but the real test hasn't
come yet.  now go out and tackle life head-on.

  -eric boesch

#60 march 1.

after all, if you were a woman who wanted a life-partner (whether both spouses
worked or not) you could depend on, particularly if you wanted children, would
you go for a nice guy who let you (and everyone else) push him around,
worried/whined a lot etc.  or a mild-to-medium asshole who you could at least
trust to watch your back for you, provide a decent income (or portion of a joint
income), a decent house for the kids etc.

i'm certain that most women who are looking for a male so are looking for
the nice guy of category one, so yes, i can agree (contrary to some postings
in this group and elsewhere) that most women really are looking for a "nice
guy" -- but again, the "perfect" nice guy.  being a strictly teddy-bear
type of nice guy isn't going to hold most womens' interest for long, if at
all -- if they want that kind of "devotion", they can always get a puppy.

so all you so-called nice guys out there who complain that women prefer
assholes to nice guys:  unless you're already a nice guy of category #1,
you need to become one if you're going to outdo the assholes -- and outdoing
the assholes is what you need to do.  so quit fartin' around, grow up and
be a man (be strong, act respectable, stand up for yourself, be dependable,
quit whining.)  as an earlier female poster said, deal.

sorry, ladies, if i've given away any secrets here :-)

  -malcolm "total asshole" carlock

#61 march 2.

so who are the "losers" hanging out with? the guys/women that they like
the best. come on. learn a little. instead of hanging around the bar
with the other "safe" guys/girls, make friends with a super-stud and
watch/learn/practice what he does. you'll hate it. you'll feel like a
queer, maybe; but just do it. all the studly guys have a sidekick -
being number two (eventually) is better than being one of the unseen
pack. pretty soon you will have enough of the mindset to foray out on
your own. it's not a matter of becoming a jerk; it's a matter of
learning a language of activity that gives you safety from abuse and
offers a member of the oposite sex the same assurance around you - hence
giving her the confidence to be around you. you are just as threatening
to her as she is to you.
just get a studly mentor and shadow him. i've known a few studly mentors
who were really nice guys inside. one dated my sister for a long time,
and that was fine with me.

     -david martin

#62 march 3.

revlon - the difference between looking good and great.

#63 march 4.

suicide is always a viable option, but not one to be taken lightly.  like any
major decision it should be carefully considered.  i do believe that one can
rationally conclude that suicide is a prefered option.

suicide can be the ultimate in self-expression.  it can take the ultimate in
self discovery to decide that suicide it truly the best option.  suicide isn't
always the right thing, i have been hit by deep but short lived depressions
which made me think about it.  but i force myself to think it over and most of
the time the depression burns off and the feelings go away.  and so far the
times that it hasn't i have been pulled up from the depths by my friends.  i owe
my life to those close to me, and i would give it up if it meant saving on of
them.  but in some cases life can seem so dark that there is no way back, you
don't want to recover and noone can force you.

   -megazone 23

#64 march 5.

the thought that suicide is wrong is simply a product of western civilization
and religions.
it is up to each and everyone of us to make the decision of whether or not to
take their own life. i personally don't like those who decide for others. talk
to them, see if you can help solve their problems. if not, perhaps they'd be
better off dead than living in a personal hell. remember, what seems mild to
you may be unbearable to them. aned before you go off, i have attempted suicide
in the past, about 8 years ago, when i was a loner. the failed attempt at over
dosing scared me enough at the time to put off a second attempt. so i lived in
a personal hell for 3 years. the past couple years have made it seem worthwhile
but if i had died none of it would have happened and i wouldn't have missed it.
and since i had no friends it wouldn't have hurt them.

  -megazone 23

#65 march 6.

    i graduated in 86. it was a horrible affair because i didn't know any of
the fellow graduates (not a one), or the school song they all sang, and when
the ceremony was one, i walked around and couldn't find my mom (only she and
my old algebra teacher, mrs. schmidtt from gainesville academy, had come with
me) and saw all these other kids with their mothers and fathers and siblings
and felt the deepest isolation you can feel and still be around people.
    seems this was to become a familiar feeling.

     -drifter

#66 march 7.

    i made other friends... but i still get that horrible feeling inside. it'll
come over me like an avalanche, a sudden crushing depression that makes me
totally silent and alone. perhaps its clinical depression. i really don't want
want to find out.

    it's like... everything feels alone. your heart, your mind, your soul. i
need someone to hold onto, someone i can be with in a crowd or alone, and just
touch and give pleasure to because i love her. i want a woman to sleep with me
because she cares for me, not because she pities me. i gave up looking at the
flesh long ago, and have found so many special people. why can't someone do
the same for me? just for a while in my life... not forever. i don't
need marriage, i don't want (and probably can't have) children. just love and
caring because of who i am.
    but the meat gets in the way. i'm too fat, i'm too ugly, i'm too loud. i
resemble more a troll than a man. self-loathing is a horrible thing all right.
and there's a lot of guilt along with it, because i know, i know god damn it,
that there are so many that have it worse... the elephant man and his wishes
to be human, the other freaks over the centuries... i feel ashamed of my own
self-pity.

  -drifter

#67 march 8.

life's a bitch ... and then you commit suicide

   - rich "khare" dodgin

#68 march 9.

you're only going to live once. there's a hell of a lot of things you can do
with your life, but there're also a hell of a lot of things most people will
never do because they're afraid to, or society will condemn them (same thing,
in the end). so why not do all the things you were afraid to do before, if
you're at the point of suicide?

hey, have fun with your last days/weeks/however.. bounce checks, if you're so
inclined. run naked through the streets. try drugs, if you never have before
and want to experiment. go up to total strangers and act really wierd, just to
see what they'll do. (you might make a friend or two this way, incidentally.)
flunk school exams and laugh about it.. what the hell, they're certainly not
going to be important if you're dead! so why should they be important now?

look at what's causing you stress. it's not going to cause you stress if you're
dead, so why should you let it cause you stress now?

anyways, if, after you've done all the things you wanted to, but were afraid
to, you still want to commit suicide.. then that's your way out. but it's
a waste to die having the opportunity to do so many things, and passing them
up.

   -todd w. thompson

#69 march 10.

now, if the guy gets the girlfriend, the game ("game"! ha!) changes.
his mates start talking about "don't let her trap you into marriage".
the old, old idea that women trap men in marriage is still with us.
"men just want sex, women just want marriage", so they say. so, now,
he's got to play it cool again. "yeah, maybe i'll be there". i.e.,
"you don't mean so much that i am going to follow you round like a dog".
men start worrying about becoming "domesticated" and "depenant".
"she's really got him hooked now - he's always following her about".
"he" doesn't want to be thought of by his friends as "hooked",
so he (wait for it) plays it cool. and, of course, this means she
has to hold on to him. she has to call him, she is the lucky one
if he spends time with her. men love that sort of power/image.
"she's always calling me up, can't get enough of me". now he's playing
her along, he has got her hooked - not the other way round.
a lot of men worry about being "caught" by women, and really don't want
to settle down. they will fight against anything which attempts to
control them, or organize them, or restrict them.

  -john davies

#70 march 11.

there are people in whom i've found no discernible originality, and it wasn't
for lack of looking.  i'm sure everyone contains the seeds of originality, but
many people have suppressed it, or else had it beaten out of them at an early
age.

anyway, what's wrong with being unoriginal?  god knows, the world has plenty
of use for people who are competent in some established area and are willing
to spend their time doing it.  in my opinion, originality by itself is neither
necessary nor sufficient to be a worthwhile human being.

   -paul callahan

#71 march 12.

     "the suicide threat via computer tied up many hours of counseling
      and public safety staff time to follow up on your well being."

     "i see the purpose (of what i put on the computer" as to disrupt the
      workings of our office, or to retalliate, not as a request for help."
     "we have reached the obvious conclusion that the student counseling
      center cannot serve you.  i regret the waste of our time and yours,
      but this abuse of our service must end.  you are not to call the
      center or request counseling services.  (you may not review your
      records)."

      -unknown bureaucrat to an alt.angst reader/writer/performer.

#72 march 13.

so i got in a tub, sliced myself open, and lay in the water.
the inital shock is strange a burning sensation up your arm that spreads
throughout your body.
at first it stings a bit, then it goes numb, all i could think of was how
black the water looked. i was getting cold and starting to black out. i
looked to my left and saw my little sister who was standing there in shock
looking at me in a way that can not be described.
i blacked out at this point and can only remember bits and peices, like my
mom crying, dad yelling for her to shut up.
i remember being taken from my home past all the onlookers and feeling the
greatest amount of shame.
my girlfriend was sitting on the lawn of my home in a state of shock with my
friends around her.
the next thing i remember is sitting up in the intensive care unit, a few
days later with large bandages on my arms.
it doesn't really matter why i did what i did, but now i have to live with
the shame of doing it.
i rarely wear short sleaves for my scars would show, i was in the park on
day with short sleaves on and a little girl asked me what happen to my
arms , her mother saw me and dragged her away before i could answer, you can
not imagine how that made me feel, it was like killing myself all over again.
my sister was really never the same so i fucked her life along with mine.

it is not really worth it.

#73 march 14.

noone knows but those who can't tell us.

  -andy hawks

#74 march 15.

about life being precious: well depends upon who is buying.  and what
life.  life in general seems awfully common to me.  particular lives,
that i have dealt with are precious to _me_ they may not be precious
to others.

  -mark the damned

"doesn't matter if we all die"

#75 march 16.

>life is so precious..to take it away is just such a waste.

that is an arbitrary statement of value. not everyone feels that life is
precious. some feel that nothing actually has value. value is something we
create in our minds.

  -megazone 23

#76 march 17.

the funniest part is i don't really know how i feel.
numb, i feel numb that's the closest i can come to a description.
here are some of the symptoms:
1) i constanly feel tired although i sleep about as much as i used to.
2) everything is meaningless.
3) i can't do things that i used to be really good at (i.e. math, computer
programming, everything else.)
4) i haven't taken any drugs or alcohol recently.  and i never really took many
drugs, nothing stronger than marijuana and the last time i had marijuana was
over a year ago.
5)  i've just come from a week in school were i was so nervous, i was
light-headed, me knees are  so week i have to concentrate to walk.
6) i've been watching a lot of television, even more than i used to and i"m
watching a lot of crap i wouldn't normally watch.

  that's as close as i can come to describing how i feel.  anyone else ever
  feel like this?  does it ever end?

     whine, whine, bitch and moan...

      -tony

#77 march 18.

>  that's as close as i can come to describing how i feel.  anyone else ever
>  feel like this?  does it ever end?

nope, it never ends.

oh, sure, sometimes it goes away.. but it always comes back, even worse than
it was before.

you're doomed.

might as well end it now.

  -jason downs

#78 march 19.

for being sensitive and understanding, one generally ends up being taken
for granted, unappreciated, lonely, and inevitably, depressed. the
opposite sex, at least from a male perspective, tend to ignore a person
who adopts this stance, opting instead for those of us who treat the
world in a use and abuse fashion. speaking as a student, i am
aware, that as time goes on, women eventually realise the error
of their ways, but in the turbulent years of yound adulthood, the
stone wall of loneliness awaits one, without ever seeming to come
to an end, except in the 'distant' future. the only choice available,
is to either turn into a not very nice person, and adopt use and abuse
ignorant behaviour, which then entitle one to all of the superficial
pleasures of life, or, if one can't do that, embark upon the path of
depression, become even more introverted, and reach a stage, where
the only dominating feeling is one of utter negativity. eventually
one reaches the stage, where suicide seems the only way out of a
miserable indifferent life.

so, whilst there are depressions arising out of neuroses and chemical
imbalances, perhaps also, there are depressions that come out of
only the purest of intentions.

of course, i could be wrong.

	-john p. doherty.

#79 march 20.

my life is completely meaningless. when i consider
its various epochs, then my life goes like the word
schnur in the dictionary, which means firstly a
string, and secondly a daughter-in-law. the only
thing missing is that the word schnur in the third
place should mean a camel, and fourthly a dust brush.

                          -s0ren kierkegaard

#80 march 21.

newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday
date: 13 may 92 01:27:39 gmt

well , i'm sitting hetre with blod dripping off my wrists into my bin
...
i've  had a lot to drink so excuse bad spellin....

ive had enough,,,,,,im going to stay here till  i die


ojnly thing is im worried incase i regrete ut,,,
wish me lyuck....

#81 march 22.

my attitude isn't 'i want to die' or 'i want to live' but 'if i die in the next
second, what will i care?' so i take risks, and i have a reckless attitude about
death.  it shows in the way i live my life, my driving, scaling buildings,
leaning off of cliffs, etc.  i don't want to die, but if i did it wouldn't
really bother me.

  -megazone 23

#82 march 23.

don't you see?  it doesn't even matter if you ever get the courage to
talk to her.  it doesn't matter if she says she loves you and makes you
happy and you spend the rest of your life with her.

in 100 years you'll be dead.
no matter what you do, in 150 years your name will be forgotten.
the earth is only going to last another 4 billion years before the sun
goes red giant and swallows it up.
in 100 billion years at the outside, there won't be enough free energy in the
universe to sustain life.  it'll all be over and there'll be noone left
even to know its all over.
our lives are insignificant.
no one cares.
suicide is the most meaningless act of all.

have a nice day.

   -eric akawie

#83 march 24.

    you know, i'm sitting here and you're sitting there and you're
    probably wondering what the hell i'm trying to say because i'm
    being so damn incoherent; but i can't help it, because what i'm
    trying to express is
    inexpressible, unutterable, because what that little girl must feel
    knows no depths and no bounds and will never end, will just keep on
    and on and on, because the pain will continue throughout the rest of
    her life and after her death, will continue forever because it's seven
    human beings that have been destroyed, not six; and the worst of it
    is was that there was no reason for it, it just happened, that's all,
    just happened; just something else that happened on another day,
    another dollar, don't worry about it all, just rationalize it away and
    remember to forget it, forget that it never happened, never mind the
    fact that her pain will never end because it's simply too deep and
    too vast and is simply unanswerable,
    irrefragable,

    -john

#84 march 25.

    and you, you whoever you are will go home to your houses and your
    families and your own lives and have dinner and go to sleep and
    wake up the next morning and maybe think about her and have breakfast
    and go out to do whatever you have to do, and the world will continue
    on like it always does, and the next day you'll think about her a
    little less, and then a little less still, until she's quickly buried
    by the next tragedy that comes along, and the world will spin on and on
    and on,
    and her pain will be the same, the same as it ever was, and
    nothing will change, because it can't change, because the pain is and
    will be, because everything's just everything, because everything
    just is, because nothing can ever make it right for that little girl
    again.

    -john

#85 march 26.

unfortunately i don't have the guts just now ... give me a week to work
up to it ... and who knows ... i may be able to ruin my personal tutor's
and councellor's careers in one go !!!

i feel like shit i'm sorry to say
do you think i like feeling this way?

#86 march 27.

well here i am again.......... all my faith in human nature and
relationships shattered once again  . i wonder how long it's going to
take for me to finally realise how little i'm worth to people.

i've said it before and i'll say it again. ive had enough.of everything.
i just seem to be wasting mine (and everyone elses) time by being alive...

the annoying thing is i no longer have the guts to end it .....
i've probably been brain washed by my councellor....

i know that i should be happy that i'm not doing "anything stupid" ,
but it just makes the despair even more unbearable........

i'll just have to go to bed and cry myself to sleep....

bye for now,

#87 march 28.

i cannot tell you to do this or to do that, nor tell you that the things which
affect you should *not* affect you if you do not wish it.

what i can tell you is that (imho) things are not at a dead end.  maybe you in
some way realise this?  if people are making you feel the way you are then you
have a number of options, you can distance yourself from these people, or you
can make these people aware of what they are doing to you.  if they are your
friends then they should respect your feelings.

as your friend i respect your privacy.  i wish, as your friend, i could give you
some of my optimism for the future.  i cannot, all i can do is express to you my
optimism for your future.  there is not much more that i can say...

   -eric kendrick

#88 march 29.

remember, when you stare into the void,
it totally ignores you, after all, its a void.
it can't do anything, you're just wasting your time staring into blank
nothingness. don't you feel stupid now having expected some deep moving
nietzche-esque experience and getting nothing?

             -stephen okay

#89 march 30.

> when the universe starts being *this* nice to me, i can only assume that it's
> just setting me up for a bigger fall.
> but when?

angst and shit are very newtonian. equal and opposite reactions all the time.
nature abhors an angst vaccuum. you have been warned.

   -stephen okay

#90 march 31.

  "most of us have only two or three genuinely interesting moments
   in our lives, the rest is filler, and at the end of our lives,
   most of us will be lucky if any of those moments connect together
   to form a story that anyone would find remotely interesting."


       -douglas coupland, "generation x"

#91 april 1.

everything will be fine.

#92 april 2.

i think i must be partly female.
my mood follows the inverse menstrual cycle. i feel crap for most of a month,
and then better for 4-5 days. i've also got strangely shaped genitals.
basically, i'm fucked.

  -steven snedker

#93 april 3.

another evening , another unsuccessful attempt.....
i couldn't even throw myself of the top of a 12 floor building, even
though i wanted to die more than anything else in the world..i just
didn't have the guts...
i'm even a failure when it comes to killing myself <half-hearted laugh>

i wonder if there is a world record for the number of cop outs....

#94 april 4.

maybe there is angst!  maybe the girl starts out looking for an end to
loneliness, and when an end is presented, she gets afraid that it won't
last, and thus sends the solution away if there is any excuse to do so.

so if the guy's smart, it's because he's:
* got no chemistry
* would ruin the friendship (ljbf)
* just wants sex

if the guy is good-looking, she dumps 'im 'cuz:
* he's not smart
* he thinks i'm one of those fucking brainless bimbo sore-babes

and so on... any way to find justification to avoid the relation, since
she is actually afraid to start it.

   -xibo

#95 april 5.

#ahem.  as we women have mentioned before, there is a huge difference between
#being asked out because the fellow is interested in your personality and
#because he wants to jump your bones.  going out with someone for the sake of
#sex might help quiet raging hormones for awhile, but it will not provide the
#kind of companionship that soothes loneliness.

so what you're seeking is a non-sexual relationship that will end loneliness
but not satisfy your, uh, hormones?

that someone who thinks you're interesting enough to actually go to bed with
must be really bad, and someone who just wants to talk (and presumably do
his boinking elsewhere) is good?

what is it "you women" find so horrid about sex, anyway?  most of you end
up boinking stupid jerks anyhow.  it's no secret that the dumber guys tend
to be better in bed, mostly because they get more babes and have more practice.

are you advocating that people's relationships should just be asexual
friendships, and that boinking should be done only as a hobby with someone
you don't care about?

            -xibo

#96 april 6.

in fact, i can honestly say that i have never gone out with a woman for the
wrong reasons and have only very rarely gone out with one for the right
reasons, whatever they may be.  it's not something i'm proud of or anything,
just a fact, probably having more to do with my own unadventurous spirit than
anything else.  i mean, if i think i could possibly fall in love with some
woman, i can just about get up the nerve to ask her out.  otherwise, it is
simply *not* worth the aggravation and potential embarrassment.

in the exceptionally rare events in which strange women have forced their
attentions on me, i have not always been entirely unreceptive.  i can think
of one incident about four years ago in a bar when my behavior could have
been viewed as bozic.  i feel no particular shame now, but i recall thinking
even then that holding this (reasonably attractive) woman was a pretty lousy
substitute for holding the woman i was really lonely for.  the experience
was entertaining and novel, but it also heightened my sadness, and made me
feel a little cheap.  i can't see how people manage to do this sort of thing
for meaningless thrills.

          -paul callahan

#97 april 7.

i've decided that dogmatic will to power and overman thinking is largely just
another religion.  why does there have to be some super purpose to human
existence?

it seems to me to be much closer to the truth to realize that there is no
supreme being, no purpose, no afterlife, and no journey to take to pass through
to become an overman or enlightened individual.

life's a fluke.

  -rodney peck ii

#98 april 8.

despite all the social changes in our society in recent decades and the change
in public opinions about the "place" of each sex in society, we still largely
raise our children in the same way.  kids are still taught that the course of
life is supposed to be birth ->school->college->career & marriage->retirement
->death.  we may have accepted that there are different ways of running one's
life for ourselves, but i still see a lot of my friends who have become parents
in the past few years raising their kids the same way we were raised.  the ideas
and concepts may be out there, but nobody is putting them into practice.

the 'rents were thrilled to hear that i wanted to go back to school and that i wanted
to pay for it myself. "it will be an excellent way to advance your career, you'll
be so much better set for promotion", etc., etc.
imagine how quickly their faces faded when i told them i just wanted to go back and
study something like animation or astronomy and it wasn't intended to be a career
move...."you're going to waste all that money on a degree that isn't going to get
you anything!!???" well, it'll get me knowledge about something i'm interested in.
"i really think you should stop dreaming and be practical about this."

         -stephen okay

#99 april 9.

  what a coincidence - i thought the same thing: "screw this shit: i ain't
  gonna be no decrepit old fart and hit my 30's - i'll take the noble way
  out!".

  well, a funny thing happens as you age: time becomes all distorted. when
  you begin to work full time, monday thru friday, week in and week out,
  you begin to lose tract of where you're at. one day you look at the
  calendar and say "wow - is it june already? - where has the time gone?"
  [*just like* your ol' man does now!] sounds like pink floyd's dark
  side of the moon?.....

  the irony awaiting you is when you look back from you 30's you'll
  realize what a dumb, ignorant, little shit you were. this is funny
  because right now you think you know everything. then, when you hit
  your 40's you'll think the same thing of yourself when you were 30.

  pretty soon you'll realize: you've become your old man.

  and you say "humm - 40 isn't so old. i don't *feel* old".

  -tony j. podrasky

#100 april 10.

>obangst: being married (read: chained), fighting, and not getting any.
>at least you single people have your freedom.

yes, we're free to wonder if we'll spend the rest of our lives alone.
free to listen to our parents ask "so why aren't you married yet?  what's
wrong with you?".  and if we're dating, we're free to worry about nearly
as many things as married people do, plus we can still worry about
spending the rest of our lives alone.

gosh, isn't life fun?  i think i'll go drown myself in the toilet.

   -eric murray

#101 april 11.

...no one else saw the joke. that's why he was lonely.
heard a joke once: man goes to the doctor. says he's depressed. says life seems
harsh and cruel. says he feels all alone in a threatening world, where what
lies ahead is vague and uncertain. doctor says: "treatment is simple. great
clown pagliacci is in town tonight. go and see him. that should pick you up."
man bursts into tears. says "but doctor..."
   "...i am pagliacci"

good joke.
everybody laugh.
roll on snare drum.
curtains.

  - from the dc graphic novel "watchmen" by alan moore and  dave gibbons

#102 april 12.

...i even forgot that death will be the only end to my pointless and futile
existence.

until this morning, when i came in to work.  the futility and
hopelesness of the real world came crashing back upon me.  i briefly
considered hiding in the back of the machine room and slitting my
wrists.  i decided not to, becuse i don't think anyone would notice
except the janitor who would have to clean up the blood.

   -eric murray

#103 april 13.

male-female relationships explained: it boils down to this...

male: i will give you (insert material good of your choice) in return
for sex.

female: i will give you sex for (insert material good of choice).

and that is it.

  -lucifuge

#104 april 14.

i tried. it doesn't work. since i have no chance of ever being
in a relationship at all, i'm not going to even try. in fact,
i'm going to be extra-hostile to the idea just so i can make
sure that i don't get my hopes up. yes, i'd love to be in
a relationship, even an lousy one. i'd also love to win the
lottery, even a little one. i know i'm never going to win
so i don't buy tickets anymore.

   -monty

#105 april 15.

lovelorn angst rule #1:  there are plenty of good women and good men out there.
unfortunately, they are all hiding from each other.

lovelorn angst rule #2:  if you do find a good motas (member of the angst-
inducing sex), chances are that he/she is already enamored with some creep
who treats him/her like dirt.

lovelorn angst rule #3:  if you get into a relationship with someone who seems
like a good motas, you will soon find that you were deluding yourself and that
he/she is really a creep who treats you like dirt.

lovelorn angst rule #4:  even when you discover that your beloved is really a
jerk, you will be so enamored by his or her good qualities that you will still
be obsessed by him/her many years after he/she has dumped you.

lovelorn angst rule #5:  being lonely sucks.  being in a bad relationship sucks.
your opinion of which is which is worse depends on which situation you are
currently in.

   -t carstensen

#106 april 16.

or some nice girl shows interest in you but you're too far lost in your
dreams of the perfect girl to make the effort to go out with her, and then
later on, when you haven't met any motas for the past two years, you think,
hey, maybe i should have made the effort when i had the chance.

or you finally encounter someone who indicates obvious interest in you and
you're slightly attracted to them so you sort of go out and you're happy to
finally be going out with someone but it doesn't work out at all like you
imagined.  you don't suddenly become a different person.  you keep waiting
for some signal about the relationship and get none.  does she want to be
friends?  get serious?  girls are supposed to be all keen about discussing
emotions so you make the effort, you ask her how she thinks the relationship
is going, she says "fine".  after several months with no signals, having not
even gotten as far as holding her hand, you get tired, and use the classic
male technique of avoiding her.  hooray, now you're a cretin.

of course that's only relationship angst.

angst is also when you sit in your expensive apartment without a friend
within hundreds of kilometres so desperate for something to do you end up
watching infomercials.

  -rex farmer

#107 april 17.

for how long have you been convinced that you are totally repulsive?

what influence does this feeling have upon your everyday life :
       - are you often depressed or anxious about it?
       - have you had suicidal thoughts?
       - how is your social behaviour affected by this belief,
	 do you socialize often, or try to avoid social situations?
       - what is your philosophy on life, do you consider it (life)
	 pointless or otherwise?

do you attribute your predicament to anything you think may be wrong with
you?

thanks,
 -john p.doherty.

i, for one, replied to the survey and related in great detail
the feelings of revulsion i inevitably arouse in females.

 -monty

#108 april 18.

by the way, you all don't really exist or anything, do you?  in any
case, if you do, don't worry if i'm boring you.  in half an hour this
program will be over, and maybe you'll find something on this channel
that you like better afterwards.

  -eric boesch

#109 april 19.

never ever bloody anything ever!

  -rik in the film "mr. jolly lives next door"

#110 april 20.

so, are we all depressed & pissed off at the world?  life is really fucked.
some things happened that i don' want to talk about right now, but why the
hell be optimistic when so many depressing things can happen?  i was really
pessimistic once, and then i got better for some reason..  well, it's not
worth it.  time to be pessimistic again.  fuck people.  you can never tell
what they're going to do or how they're going to make you feel.

  -sam hulick

#111 april 21.

angst is not an external subject or a philosophical "school." to the degree
that it is anything, i think it's an overwhelming feeling ... like a bad
acid trip or hearing that your parents have just been killed or you're
about to be executed or imprisoned for life. it's also a feeling lots of people
seem to get after the syllogism of death hits home. to paraphrase proust,
at first we feel: "all men are mortal, [fill in your name] is a man, therefore
[fill in your name] is going to die. but not [your name] who was called [nick-
name] as a two-year old, who had the little stuffed bear named [name] and went
to his aunt's house and ate those little cakes and went fishing with his father
..." not me me, just abstract me dying abstractly but still i'm there watching
it all unfold.

and then it hits you and you realize it all really is in vain ... that you
are building sandcastles ... eternity follows you around and keeps you up
at night talking in your ear. you don't give a shit what nietzche or anyone
else had to say about anything ... all you care about is yourself, and you
realize how truly alone you are.

   -david "schopenhauer" pennell

#112 april 22.

"shitty day, beth."
"shitty day, bill."
"how's the void today?"
"dismal, bill, dismal."
"die a slow painful death, beth."
"die a slow painful death, bill."

#113 april 23.

the problem as i see it, is that the great majority of people are below the
intelligence required for sensible decisions to be made about who is going to
run our countries.  strange people get in because they are being voted for by
alphas.  these alphas are of _normal_ (nominal?) intelligence and have normal
(no) drive/thrust/motive/interest in politics, the environment, ecology and
other topics which require curiosity, intelligence and drive.  for many years,
it has been seen as a good thing for non-alphas to limit their offspring,
whereas alphas have been doing the rabbit-thing, as it were.  we (i am so
pretentious) are our own worst enemy!  what we should be doing is telling
alphas to limit _their_ offspring and go into full steam production ourselves.

of course, the only problem with this advice, is women.  they generally act
very stupidly.  i see them as the poison of humanity, mainly because of their
desire to mate with alphas and thus lowering the general quality of their
offspring.  physically good women, _especially_ those with intelligence, should
seek out the intelligent men instead of the alphas which they nearly all seem
to prefer.  just because someone is big, strong and macho does not mean that
they will make good mates/fathers/husbands.  if only women could be
reprogrammed to be attracted to brain instead of brawn then this world could
stand a chance of evolving in a mature way instead of by a series of macho
confrontations and economic disasters.  basically it's all the fault of sex.
any intelligent genes always seem to get diluted because of the sex attraction
process.  this is very bad and keeps the racial intelligence low.

  -nick

#114 april 24.

the person who cares the least controls the relationship.

#115 april 25.

i am incapable of feeling anything, i am devoid of all sensation.  i
will never again experience pain.  nothing will hurt me again.  i
also know that i will never feel anything good either.  but i don't
mind.  it is a small price to pay to be spared from the pain.

  -randy tidd

#116 april 26.

people are stupid little reproductive units, doing their
little illusion-of-free-will pre-programmed reproductive dance.
our only purpose is to make more little reproductive units as
fast as possible, while keeping all the other units from doing it.
free will, philosophy, intelligence, and filmy black lingerie only
exist to enable us to make more little reproductive units faster.

  -eric murray

#117 april 27.

> my friend has many misanthropic viewpoints, mostly related to
> humankind's destruction of the environment.

oh, i see.  i used to be a serious naturalist too.   i got all upset
about the species that we've killed, the enviromnents we're
despoiling.  then i discovered the nilihistic viewpoint that it really
doesn't matter.  unless you beleive in a higher plan for the universe,
it really doesn't matter if the earth has it's current highly varied
ecology, or a monoculture of slime molds and cockroaches.  who can say
that a sperm whale or antelope is a more valid organisim than the
cockroach?  the organisims adapt to the enviromnent- there is no 'good'
or 'bad', there's only 'successful' or 'extinct'.  humans will modify
the earth until we're extinct.  whatever's still around afterwards
will be more sucessful than we are.

   -eric murray

#118 april 28.

part of being so depressed (like i'm feeling right now) is i busy my life with a
hundred different obligations to a hundred different people or groups, so on any
given night there's somebody or some group of people expecting me somewhere.  it
keeps my mind off being depressed for the most part, the downside being if i
really wanted to truly disappear i couldn't 'cause i'd be missed to easily.
sometimes i wish i could do like my friend did ewhen he killed himself and just
be forgotten about for a whole week and in the meantime just totally waste away
into the carpet and the floor, which have to get thrown out for sanitary reasons
and there's nothing left of you that anybody really wants to remember.
sometimes i just wish i could disappear into the ether and just vanish and not
have anybody know where i was or care 'cause then that would at least be
consistent with what i get from the world the rest of the time...  you're only
valuable to people when they risk losing something to torture or gush all
over...i'm really sick of getting to just be a placeholder in other peoples
lives..

   -stephen okay

#119 april 29.

and to make it worse, none of this is anyone's fault. it just *is*,
and there's not a lot that can be done about it right now. so when i
say "bitch, moan, gripe, blah blah blah" and he says "you want out?"
and little icy knives go through my spine and i don't wanna even think
about it and he says "then deal," i know he's right. but it hurts to
deal with it. fuck rational logic.

i thought about my job today. i tried to imagine myself doing this for
any length of time. actually, i was thining about how it would be
affected by election day, and i thought of all the phonecalls and rude
people between now and then and i just felt leaden. i don't hate the
job, ijust don't likeit. i've never had a job i did like, come to
think of it. it's not to the stage where the thought of going in to
work gives me nausea yet, but what am i sposed to do then??

and on top of all the lifestress and the absolute panic-stricken
terror i feel when i contemplate this weekend, when he'll be here, and
the disillusionment with my life and the stress of being only a year
from 30 now and wondering what the fuck it's all *for*, on top of all
that, on the one place i felt i could come and say whatever was in my
head i'm being told that i'm just not depressed enough, not angstful
enough. fuck it.

 -sine

#120 april 30.

i am getting a migraine. i am beginning to see the pretty colors that are
surrounding everything in my vision. i can imagine the vice-like skull-
crushing pain that will soon be pouring into my cranium like wet cement.

i am beginning to feel the pulsing in my temples, and my temperature is
going up. this happens so often on a friday, when i have plans to go out
and enjoy myself. it's a post-stress thing, as though my mind says: "ok,
now tha you are done with the hellatious week, you have time to have the
headache we've been wanting."

and there's absolutely nothing i can do about it.

bah.

   -rachel perkins

#121 may 1.

we'll all go to heaven when we die of cancer.

  -the band of holy joy

#122 may 2.

sometimes i just lock myself into my bedroom and scream until i can't
make any more noise. sometimes it helps, sometimes i just feel worse and
sometimes i just end up with a sore throat.

i've been searching for something all my life which i can't really
define - something which would bring a sense of belonging - a feeling of
being in the 'right' place, with the 'right' people, doing something which
feels 'right'. instead, i just sit and watch the world go by, afraid to
make a move in case i get stomped on again.

  -dogbowl

#123 may 3.

depression is a comfortable place
a well worn sofa
when away
i want only to return

-scott

#124 may 4.

so is this all there is?  mad panic as i attempt to fulfill the expectations
of all around me--my professors, my friends, my singing/drinking buddies, my
'rents--only to realize that, sometime long ago, all of it stopped mattering
to me?

i find a friend at a party and switch on "talk" mode--it doesn't matter what
comes out of my mouth because it's a party and hey, nobody will take it ser-
iously anyway.  i never really realized the shallowness of the party scene
until i came here to the university of virginia, where partying has ceased to
be an art form and has become something of an industrial byproduct like the
five-day work week or ulcers.

i have ceased utterly to care about classes; quantum mechanics, classical
mechanics, electronics, nabokov are all alike; all blend into each other like
lumps in the shoreless ego of freud's polymorphously perverse infant.  they're
all just there, neither interesting nor particularly challenging (unless, of
course, they're impossible).  i experience an odd floating feeling in some
of the classes, as though i'm watching the back of my own head as i nod.

  -prufrock

#125 may 5.

	the most tramatic time i can remeber this year was when i was
seriously considering buying into the mainstream, you know full time job
in some office, a mortgage, etc. i guess i was getting tired of not having
any kind of future or security. but i got over it. and moved to alaska.
were i can live pretty cheaply, work part time, and go to school.  school
is something i can deal with, i guess i'v been doing it long enough, 10
years so far.
	a few things remain constant over the years, most notably i'm
still alone, and still can't make myself work at not being that way. school.
and something that is more recent apathy. i realize that my life will never
amount to much on the big success meter in the sky, but so what. i was
born so i might as well keep breathing as long as i can.
	a couple of things i have learned:

	1.  i am responsible for my self.
	2.  expect anything, everything, and nothing.

-scott

#126 may 6.

next tuesday the police unlock the door and take away my batteries and
rubber band and they take me to visit the doctor for a vacation, or
maybe i was on vacation from the doctor and it's over, it's not clear
any more.

  -eric boesch

#127 may 7.

i have fewer responsibilities now because people take them away if you
ignore them.

  -eric boesch

#128 may 8.

now i will work so that i can pay back some of what i owe to everyone
for inconveniencing them by living this long.  if i pay my part, then
mom and dad won't have the credit revoked that they thought they
earned when i grew up and they won't have to look for some other
justification for their lives which is good because i'm not sure they
could find one.  if i keep going on visits to the doctor, i'll just
keep owing more and more, but if i kill myself then i'll go even
further in debt because i'll upset the parents.

there's the crescent wrench and the pair of pliers and they're missing
something and i have it and i'm missing something and they have it and
i test the nerves in my fingers.  the nerves still work, but they
don't shriek like the ones in my head do when i put down the clips and
pliers and wrench and i look for something better.  it'd be
embarrassing to hurt myself with them and then be found out and have
to explain why and even if i don't hurt myself i won't be let out so
soon next time but the important thing is to have no one asking why
because i don't know why.

  -eric boesch

#129 may 9.

when they've taken all you ever cared about, pissed on everything
you've ever considered of any value and stuck probes into
your every orifice and you lie there screaming for death, you
still have your bitterness. they can't take that, and they'll not
even try. get to know your bitterness. it's your last and only friend.

-steven snedker

#130 may 10.

 i've only met one person who i felt went right to the core of my soul and it
happened instantly.  i don't mean love-at-first-sight, because we were just
friends, but we were very close friends, even though we'd only known each other
for a month or so.  we'd just been talking one night, like we had been for a few
weeks, but this was different.  this ended up being really deep life stuff and
at one point she said something about life and being alone that just connected
directly into my soul.  it was like somebody had just shot past all my filters
and all my defenses and everything and just knew the direct route into my heart
and mind and went there.  and it felt wonderful.  it felt like the whole
universe had opened up and there was *finally* somebody who understood me.  i
mean like the real core me.  beyond all the external philosophy and social
structures and all the filters and psychoses and knew exactly what two or three
things my existence revolved around because she had the same in her and she said
she felt the same.  and it was wonderful and i was instantly in love with her.
and i think she was with me too..

unfortunately, there is another part to this story. she killed herself about
2 months later.

  -stephen okay

#131 may 11.

do you really solve anything by expressing your bitterness

no, i don't solve anything, and boy does that piss me off!!!

#132 may 12.

hanging: this has been my favorite recently because of how useless i
have been.  guilt and feeling contemptible: i deserve to die like a
criminal.

  -eric boesch

#133 may 13.

i just saw some teenagers with cancer being interviewed. they all said that,
after the cancer is diagnosed, they despaired and became very depressed. but
then they suddendly started to love life more than they had ever done before,
cherishing little things they'd never recognized before.  with me i think it i'd
despair and become depressed, then despair and become depressed.

  -flemming kaspersen

#134 may 14.

and then you sit there, quietly telling yourself "no, no, it's not happening"
but it is. you're slowly getting more and more depressed. you try the "no,
no"-routine again. it doesn't help. nothing can ward off the oncoming
depression. you can't understand why. then it all slips, and you slide down the
steep hill coughing "no". and you're there. there's no way out. you realize
there never was.

  -neugamme

#135 may 15.

these are people, not robots.  this is not a huge experiment with me
as the subject.  nobody has a notebook filled with notes about me.

but it's such an attractive solution...  can there be that many idiots
out there?  the solution is that i'm the only idiot here.  it's such
an attractive solution... if i'm a guinea pig, then i'm being studied
so there's no need to explain to anyone the mess i've made of my life
-- they would understand that mess better than i do.  maybe someone
could produce a transparency with a scatter plot, point to a dot in
the middle of a cluster and say "see, this subject failed according to
a typical schedule, given the environment and dosage levels we used."
where is the tv camera?  if i'm a guinea pig, the world accommodates
me, which is good because i'm too tired to accommodate it.

  -eric boesch

#136 may 16.

it's been a long time but i still care
die a slow horrible death
live a long miserable life
for me

if you're feeling low
when you need advice
call me
if you don't know where to turn
i can tell you where to go

some idiots find baseless self-respect
and tell themselves they're wonderful
but i know you won't do that
you know better
they look down on others instead of themselves
but i know you won't do that
to me

   -charlie the dog

#137 may 17.

angst: is like the before the first time you ever had sex and you were worried
about screwing up (or any of the usual things that virgins worry about).

bitterness: is after the first time you've had sex and you realize that it
wasn't all that great.

  -umbra

#138 may 18.

i can't wait til the next time i talk to her
it agravates the hell out of me when i just miss
her on the net, she is terminally happy
and 10 years younger than i am
am i insane, i know nothing could ever
become of this, yet i feel myself sliding
once again into that pit of confusion and
missed opportunities.   iregardless of what i tell myself,
the emotional half of my brain is closed to all reason.
why can't i control my own emotions, damn!

somebody spin the wheel, cause i'm back in the game

scott

#139 may 19.

i'd say my social life is in a shambles, except that i haven't got one.

apparently, it's not that i'm unattractive (although my pupils are dilated
from the 20 milligrams of prozac i take daily, for my dysthymia), or
unhygenic, or unkind (i'm told that i'm a very compassionate man, and
sometimes i belive it), or unintelligent, or uninteresting (i do tend to be
pretty colorful, when i'm not feeling sorry for myself), or anything like
that.  what i am, apparently, is unapproachable.  almost nobody realizes how
fuzzy and affectionate this kitty really is, beneath his sarcastic, mocking
exterior.  i have a total of two close friends.  in my nearly 20 years of
existence, i've never been anybody's best friend.  nobody has ever sent me
flowers.

and i am alone.

      -paul curtis

#140 may 20.

life is boring. its dullness cuts to the bone. it leaves no taste in my mouth,
no smile on my face. it flows from day to day without changing. i feel no pain
or pleasure. i see only a constant shade of grey. all these philosphical
rhetorical thoughts make me sick. words mean nothing to me anymore. is it
possible to be passionately bored? sad movies no longer jerk the tears from my
eyes. the bright rays of the rising sun no longer soothe my face with their
reassuring warmth. everything is a task, nothing is new. the music that once
inspired me only mocks me now, its beat has become redundant. the vcr clock has
stopped ticking, and i see nothing but reruns every day. i can back no cause
and feel no allegiance. political issues are just two-sided jokes told by red
in the face egotistical bastards who are only interested in hearing their own
voices. so i too sit here alone and selfishly listen to my own voice, shutting
all others out. there is a certain safety in apathy, a certain comfort in being
alone. i am a coward, and until i decide to reach out and become a player in
this strange game surrounding me and take the risk of losing, i will never win.
i will walk alone in life and wallow in cynicism and self pity, and the warmth
of the sun will never reach within me.

      -ucw

#141 may 21.

       the definition of angst:

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   -martin stuczynski

#142 may 22.

dear god,
  thank you for giving me freedom.
  i'm going to use my freedom like this:  work for 35 years, 9 hrs a day with
only 2 weeks of holiday a year, then get fired, wait 5 years, get a terminal
disease, spend 3 years in and out of hospital and then die on my knees (if they
haven't amputated them).
  i'll be a good boy all the way, and i hope that you approve,

                yours,

               -steven snedker

#143 may 23.

who the fuck do i think i am, anyway?

i hang out here, post all this stuff, present myself as some sort of
authority who actually knows something about how to live, and in
reality i'm the biggest fraud in existence. if i'm so fucking wise,
why is my life in chaos? why am i destroying everything that matters
to me? why do i flail about in a sea of indecision and inertia,
waiting for easy answers, even though i tell other people the answers
will never be easy?

  -sine

#144 may 24.

parents.  swine bastards from hell.  they feed and clothe you for
years and then they get back at you by forcing you to rake leaves when
you stop by to pick up the money they promised you for your watusi
lessons.  when will they get off my back and let me lead my life of
proffessional surfing.  (true, there are no waves in ottawa high
enough, and 8 months of every year is spent in the freezing cold, but
damn it, i'm gonna be the best goddam surfer in ottawa if i have to
surf on the frozen water of the canal, naked.)

  -nik

#145 may 25.

then there's school.

need i say more?  oh, let me, please...  consider the following:  when
you say what you want to say, you get crappy marks.  when you say what
the  proff wants you to say, (mainly puke back what he told you), you
get good marks.  what the hell?  i say we burn down all the schools
and replace them with photocopy centers.  a proff hands you his
beliefs, you photocopy them, give it back, and he gives you an a.
simple enough.  none of this class nonsense.  just straight forward
ego stroking.

proffs don't really want to teach anyway.  they're all burnt out
husks, painfully blathering the same tired old lectures every year,
counting the days to retirement.  most of them have given up on the
idea of getting "bright and enthusiastic minds ready for the world",
and now just think "keep the buggers busy for three hours" and kick
them out of the room.

and then there's the rest of reality: capitalist, money oriented
insanity.  i personally do not want 47 vcrs and a huge boat of a car.
i want some goddam emotional sensitivity from the universe.  remember
the days when everyone was trying to find themselves?  now everyone's
trying to find a lot of neat, expensive toys to surround themselves
with.  (wadda ya expect from me, i'm a psychology student, looked down
on by all living things, a mote of dust in the educational eye)...

                            -nik

#146 may 26.

when you're reduced to spending most of your time just trying to
survive, you don't have the luxury of feeling sorry for yourself.

angst didn't exist until soceity got advanced enough that we could
forget that there's no purpose to life other than finding the next
kill and getting a belly full of meat.  we used to know this
instinctivly, because that's all we did.  then we started giving
food to the shaman so he didn't have to hunt and he could intercede
with the sprit world on our behalf.  now that we're so advanced
that we all become our own shaman we discover that there never were
any spirits and the whole thing was just a sick joke that we played
on ourselves.

            -eric murray

#147 may 27.

i still have angst over the pointless of my life, my lack of
motivation to work on all the projects i conceive, my inability
to write.  i still have days where i don't want to talk to anyone
and evenings when i wander around the house muttering to myself
and screaming at the world.

sure, there's times when my girlfriend and i perform perverted
sexual acts on each other until we're raw, and then lie in
bed discussing the philosophy of science or the creative process
or something else interesting.  and yes, i'm not feeling
angst then.  but the angst is still there, it hasn't gone away.
it's just laying low for a bit while i'm too happy to let it
get to me.  it's waiting around, circling off in the distance
like a wolf.  it knows where my weaknesses are; it knows i'll
be around later and it'll be able to catch me then because i'll
be weaker and it will chase me down until i can't stand and then
it will grab me by the neck in it's powerful jaws and rip my throat
out and stand howling into the moonlight over my bleeding body
lying in the snow...

  -eric murray

#148 may 28.

sometimes there's this wall of confusion between me and the outside world.
things never make quite as much sense as i'd like them too.  i want everything
to be totally clear and unambiguous.  other people seem content to make
assumptions about situations.

later another guy asked me for money.  i said "no, sorry." and he seemed to
accept that.  then he said something that sounded to me like "where do go?"  i
thought, "where do you go for what?  what is he asking me?"  i asked him what
he had said and he repeated it.  i still didn't know what he was asking, but i
was fairly certain i didn't know the answer.  i shook my head apologetically and
said "i don't know."  walking away from him, i suddenly realized he probably
said "where's the girl?"  he saw a guy walking alone on a saturday night, and
this was such a strange thing that it required an explanation.  i guess even
the homeless do their part to enforce social norms.

  -paul callahan

#149 may 29.

i imagine one of the most soul destroying experiences an individual can
go through is the condition of not fitting in, being continually aloof,
never really connecting with any other human beings, except in brief
fleeting moments of misunderstanding...... being an outsider, in the
true sense of the word, is a condition that eventually leads to a
complete numbness, and a cyclic apathy interspersed with intense
frustration. every interaction is an effort, a carefully studied
system, a perceived failing, or a meaningless greeting. in moments
of high energy when the frustration builds, attempts are made to escape
from the ditch, but like a car stuck in the mud, no matter which way you
go, or how hard you try, you dig yourself further in........ you then
look back into the past and wonder, why? why does it happen to you, and
not all the other people out there, who seem to have lives to lead and
things to do, and places to fit in? but, there's no one to blame,
nothing to point the finger at, except life itself and chance happenings
on the way. living in a city, a massive monument to meaninglessness, can
be more hellish than the depths of space, although i've never been in
the depths of space, so i suppose i can't be sure........

  -john o'doherty

#150 may 30.

i can't get to sleep at night any more - i go to bed at maybe 2am, finally
get to sleep at around 6 or 7, and sleep fitfully until around 2pm, them get
up at maybe 4:00.  staying in bed during the day is nice; there are no
hassles, you can hide in the semi-sleeping state you get after waking up
for hours... but it's not good for you, and it can't go on once i go home for
the christmas vacation.

a couple of weeks ago i was walking around the town, feeling very alone, and
somehow relishing that feeling while at the same time hating it.  i decided i
needed a complete change of scenery, and bought a ticket on the next train to
london.  wandering around london in the early hours of the morning was great
- it was completely new (i'd never been there much before, and never alone)
and really cleared my head; i remember wandering through the barbican centre
at around 1am, there was no-one but me about, and these huge blocks of flats
towered above me in this huge empty space...  it was more exhilarating than
anything i've ever done.  i was stopped by a policeman, and wound up chatting
to him for about fifteen minutes about who i was and what i was doing there.
i got back to kings cross sometime before dawn, when the first train back was
about to leave, feeling so much better about myself and my situation and my
state of mind than i had for a long long time, but as soon as i got back here
that feeling just faded away and i was left as alone as i has been before i
went.  the journey hadn't been wasted, but it hadn't helped, if you see what
i mean.

  -richard hindle

#151 may 31.

'things went completely out of hand when 'spot' died. i started taking
sedatives. but when someone called them 'loony-smarties' i threw them in
the fireplace. instead i started drinking and eating excessively. i gained 30
kilos. doesn't look well on something that was going downhill anyway.
    'spot' was a real german shepard that i got from an animals hospital 10 years
ago. she had been beaten. she never became anything but a little, weak dog.
i've never been able to talk to other girls. i've always been with men. 'spot'
was my female friend. she understood what i said. was happy when i was happy.
was sad when i was. when we were alone in the house without light and heat we
went to bed together. shared a hob-nob. and then we talked, until we fell
asleep.
    'spot' is the only living creature that has loved me for being just me. she
didn't expect to get anything back. she soothed me when i was ill.
    i've experienced a lot with 'lassie', and like him a lot. but it'll never be
the same as with 'spot'. 'lassie' has been unfaithful to me. he's an
every-girls-dog. 'spot' was mine. completely mine. that's why i had such a
shock when she died. and started drinking. i feel like the loneliest human being
now that 'spot' is dead.
    i fell and fell. 'when will i reach the bottom?' i often ask myself these
days. when i look in my scrap book...i cannot understand..i..it's like looking
back on your future. i have always had the will to get the best out of each and
every day. it hasn't been a success. i didn't have skill and luck required to do
this. now it's too late. i can't go back and change the things...

  -bodil joensen

#152 june 1.

  i find the world very grotesque and absurd. sometimes it's funny, but most of
the time it's pretty damn depressing.

  -neugamme

#153 june 2.

  on the very brief spasms of employment that i had in the past it always seemed
to me there were moments of the day when i would realize that i was here working
with people that i despised and i had to talk to these horrible people and ask
them what they did yesterday. and i would have to report to a boss that i
couldn't stand and when you're in that position - which is the absolute basis of
"heaven knows i'm miserable now" you realize that you're actually spending your
entire life with people that you do not like - which was incredibly
distressing.

   -morrissey

#154 june 3.

  the school system offers me to do stuff i'm not interested in, and the work
system offers me to do stuff i'm not interested in. it's a no win situation, and
i'm going to hell in slow-motion.

  -neugamme

#155 june 4.

   i often recount tales of total morbidity, but i can't remember the old
rolling in the hay bit, out in the countryside sketching horses or whatever. i
can simply remember being in very dark streets, penniless.

  -morrissey

#156 june 5.

so what's the fucking point? do i really want to spend the rest of my
life in the past, grasping at memories to reassure me about the
future?  how much of a future can you have when you immerse yourself
in the past? yeah, i had an adolescence that's very hard for me to
think about and hard for people to hear about. i've had more than my
share of shit. i survived. that's nice; do i get a cookie?

  -sine

#157 june 6.

> the person i thought most likely to succeed in life had opened her veins in a
> bathtub when she was 16.

   but she did succeed.   she figured out what's going on, and took
   the best way out.

   by contrast, i'm twice the age she was when took her life option
   and all i'm doing is listening to al jourgensen scream about his
   drug addiction ("just one more fix!!!") and writing messages to
   other depressed computer geeks.  is this an improvement?

   -eric murray

#158 june 7.

the true failure is the inability to kill oneself.

btw, i've had a healty, working, satisfying relationship for years,
and the universe is still a uncaring place, life is still completely
meaningless, and the human race seems to be successful at destroying
itself than anything else.

    -duke robillard

#159 june 8.

i go to the bathroom.  i look in the mirror.  the woman who stares back at
me looks frighteningly like my mother, all gussied up in a silk dress, hair
"done," earrings dangling down her neck.  i remember when i was a child
thinking she looked so beautiful when she got all dressed up to go out, and
thinking how nice a change it must be for her from the usual grind of
tending to her home and her brood.  and now as i look in the mirror i
think, oh shit, look what i have become.  it used to be that *going out*
was a part of *life*.  now it has become something apart from *life*.  and
why???  because i am old!!

    -mary hall ross

#160 june 9.

so, life is meanignless, i'm just a chemical engine, and i'm completely
alone in the universe.  why do i bother?  why get out of bed in the
morning?  (or afternoon, or evening, or whatever.)

i guess i just fool myself most of the time, that even though it doesn't
matter on a grand scale, i can contrive some importance for somethings.
for example, i'd rather live in a house than in a cardboard box.  this
means i need a job.  preferably one that doesn't leave me bitter and
exhausted at the end of the day.  so i have to go to college.  etc.

fooling myself is also why i allow myself to find importance in a search
for an so.  even though it doesn't fundamentally change my aloneness in
the universe, i can talk to her and she can talk to me, and we can cuddle,
and we *feel* a little less alone.

  -nathan marsh

#161 june 10.

it is pointless. there is no reason to go on. there is no reason to
live, except to be utterly perverse and basically say "in your face"
to a universe that doesn't give a fuck anyway. i happen to get off on
doing that.

  -sine

#162 june 11.

   i'm twenty-five, and was a virgin until i was twenty-four.  i lost my
virginity in a one-night stand with a woman i haven't seen since and have no
desire to see.  the only reason i slept with her was because i couldn't stand
being a virgin.
   it was at the age of thirteen that i decided it might be nice to have a
girlfriend.  i still think it might be nice, and i still have not had one.  i
first kissed a woman at nineteen.  before the woman i slept with, i had kissed
three women in all.  none of these three were interested in getting involved
after our first encounter.

#163 june 12.

 the fact that no one seemed interested in me was the main burden.  i often felt
like a freak.  i had absolutely no idea how people made the transition from
being friends to being involved.  i tried asking some friends about it to see if
they could inform me.  i read *how to make love to a woman*.  i tried as best i
could to figure out why it was that i was one of the few who had never been in a
relationship.
   in college it was the feeling that something was wrong with me and the
feeling that i was missing out that depressed me the most.

#164 june 13.

   one summer i staid on campus to take a few classes and met this woman sarah.
 we seemed to be getting along quite well: she asked me to an outdoor jazz
festival, she made me a crayon drawing, and so forth.  i wanted to start a
relationship with her rather than just be friends, and as far as i could tell
there was a good chance she was interested in me.  such situations for me are
very tense and anxious; i get all infatuated with the woman and preoccupied and
very scared.  so one night when we were hanging out at my place i tried to kiss
her; my heart was pounding harder than it ever does.  she lowered her head,
stopping me; she was noticably embarrassed.  she asked if we could just keep
talking, and so i complied.  i did not know of anything else to do.  after she
left that night i was terribly depressed.  i went wondering in the rain for
awhile and eventually came home and went to bed.  we remained friends for
awhile, and eventually i went through the same cycle with someone else.
   i did not know what to do in order to actually get involved with someone.
there were a few woman whom i seemed to have good friendships with.  we talked
long and at ease, and spent time together.  these women did not want to get
involved either.  so i kept getting older.

#165 june 14.

  the fact that no one was willing and that i was getting into a smaller and
smaller group of adult virgins was the main concern, especially sice i saw
people around me meet for the first time and in a matter of hours end up
sleeping together.  again, not only was i lonely but i also felt that there was
something seriously wrong with me.
   never having had a girlfriend is a burden to me.  i can get on with my life
for long stretches and forget about it, but sooner or later i get lonely or i
get interested in some woman and then i once again have to try to get involved.
 and i have yet to succeed.
   i guess it's the fact that no one has ever been in love with me, no one has
ever told me that she loved me, which is hard to deal with.
   now that i've had sex, i actually don't get as depressed.  i don't have to
worry about never doing it now that i have.  nevertheless, it wasn't much of a
first experience.  i wish it had been with a girlfriend.

   anyway, growing up inexperienced has had a profound effect on me.  i hope
the other fellow doesn't have all the doubts and anxieties that i do.  i think
the single life can really suck.  i get very lonely and very frustrated.  i get
angry at women for rejecting me as much as they have.  i don't know what the
current trouble is, but i can't even get a first date anymore.

#166 june 15.

if i were twenty again, with the experience i have now, i might still have a
chance to improve my situation.

i feel that even if i finally meet some woman and develop a happy, fulfilling
relationship, i'll still never know exactly what it's like to have those sort of
awkward, inexperienced, adolescent romances that other people remember fondly
and joke about.

please, nobody tell me that they're not so great anyway, or whatever.  the
point is that i'm missing a piece of shared experience, and there's not
a *damn* thing i can do about it at my age.

  -paul callahan

#167 june 16.

trust me, the first time i got a ken doll and changed his clothes, i
had a colossal brain dump because he was not equipped like my little
brother at all. i knew bubba was the rule and ken was the exception.

so, it is terribly unfair to men to have women conditioned to love
plastic men without penises. this goes a long way towards explaining
the immense wealth of michael jackson and not his brother jermaine.

kids are stupid and their toys teach them things. parents who are harried
and rush into toys r plastic grab stuff the kids have seen on tv and pay
it no mind. so, the girls are learning to be materialistic mall rats
selecting men with no penises and boys are learning to be serial killers
with lightning reflexes and a large array of armaments.

   -elaine richards

#168 june 17.

so we live our lives as attempts to impose control and order on a
world that won't give up any. our lives are a search for edges; we
want boundaries and handles. if we can figure out where we stop and
reality starts, we'll have a lever with which we can move at least our
part of the world. finding boundaries gives us the power to expand or
contract them at will. rules, hierarchies, governments -- all these
artificial layers of definition give us edges we can rearrange. and as
we play with them, we can forget about the basic wildness and chaos
that surrounds us. most people engross themselves in the game and
devote lifetimes to piling up counters, fiddling with obscure
regulations, or making up good reasons why they're not succeeding.
it's a pleasant distraction, and who's to say it's not a superior way
of life? they get rewards pleasing to them, live with a sense of
purpose and die with a sense of accomplishment.

  -sine

#169 june 18.

people who see beyond the surface aren't so lucky. rejecting
conventional notions of boundaries leaves one wondering who does have
control of reality, which leads to the problem at the core of angst:
no evidence exists that anyone does.  all the interactions of all the
people who've ever existed have created this chemical reaction and
we're all helpless as we watch it proceed to equilibrium. and people
keep throwing new things into the mix and trying to change the lab
conditions, but it's just inexorably going onward and no one knows if
we'll have a miracle potion or a high explosive when it's done. but
it's not the uncertainty that tears at our souls, it's the drifting
helplessness and the realization that all we can do is wait.

so the reconciliation between personal and universal angst. the
personal is merely a reflection of the global. the situation-specific
fear and pain and anxiety expressed here so often are merely
reports of individual battles in a larger war.

  -sine

#170 june 19.

the idea that there is a real, intellectually based angst, which
develops out of literary and philosophical movements, and which is
somehow more authentic and pure an angst than one based on emotional
dissatisfaction with the conditions of an individual's life...

...strikes me as elitist bullshit.

qualtitative comparison of angst?
give me a fucking break.

not to invalidate camus, sartre, dostoevsky, beckett et al., but
they aren't inherently purer in their angst than anybody on alt.angst
who shares their frustration that (they're virgins/they hate their job/
life sucks/fill in your angst) with us.

  -ron hogan

#171 june 20.

> why bother?

instant and profound answer;

why not?

it's not like you have something better to do.

  -lucifuge

  the lord is my shepherd............................but i'm not a sheep

#172 june 21.

i'm pretty sure existence is meaningless.  once you give up
superstition (or religion or whatever), there seems to be a
straightforward logical progression to the conclusion that you're just
a chemical machine.  a machine that spends its time reacting in ways
that, evolutionarily speaking, tend to cause the generation of more,
similar chemical machines.  the universe doesn't care.  god is an
invention to help change the behaviour of said machines in ways that
will increase the population.

this is all very logical, and doesn't require any leap of faith, or
any belief in something that we don't understand currently.  this
makes it incredibly attractive, intellectually.  unfortunately, it's
also incredible depressing.

this is the source of angst, in the sense meant by the people who
created the term--the existentialists and nihilists of the last half
of the 19th and first half of the 20th century.  this is the feeling
that all of godot's characters have.  this is what causes the sickness
unto death.

   -duke robillard

#173 june 22.

 so i embrace the void
 it is my only lover
 it sucks up my secrets
 and silences my troubles

 yes, i fear the void
 but i can cry no longer
 so i return to the void
 and let it take me
 take me
 take me

  -vance haemmerle

#174 june 23.

is this the ultimate example of a pathetic waste of protoplasm?

  -stephen okay

#175 june 24.

  my mood usually tries very hard to drag my opinions about objective reality
with it, and it always does to some extent, but my mood has seesawed so many
times that i'm getting pretty immune to it.  still i can't recommend being
intellectually detached from your moods, along with it i've become detached from
everything else, like my fingers and external motivations, too, being reasonable
and moderate is a horrible thing, it takes too much time and there is little use
in it.

  -eric boesch

#176 june 25.

grad school was as bad as i feared it might be, but dropping out seems
to have gone better than i thought it could, it seems like a bit of a
waste that i spent so much time worrying about it.  it does make it
that much more obvious that i'll end up an irrelevant insignificant
speck, but what the hell, i knew that already, at least i'll probably
be a speck with a little bit of money, not that that ought to be
consolation.  planning to be nothing, i think, is better than
planning to be god; for one thing, there are a lot more nothings than
there are gods; if you're going to be nothing, then the worthless
project you're on now means a lot more.  i don't know which is more
distracting, god-fantasies or hell-fantasies; i just hope screwing up
won't bother me so extremely next time, and perhaps by expecting to be
zero, i can at least avoid one of the two sorts of useless fantasies:
if i expected to be god, then reality would force me to consider the
opposite type of fantasy as well.

  -eric boesch

#177 june 26.

at this point i would like to point out that i have almost certainly
learned nothing useful from any of this, as will be proven the next
time i'm in a similar situation, and whatever i resolve to do i will
not do.  this is not a reverse psychology gimmick; it has been true
every time.  all that getting older means to me right now is acting
increasingly foolish as i supposedly get wiser; people who see how i
act give simplistic advice, saying things i knew ten years ago, and
even _felt_ ten years ago, though i don't feel it any more.  now i
think this downward-heading perhaps can last through a full lifetime.

  -eric boesch

#178 june 27.

bored silly again.  i won't work because that would be starting
something new and i'm not finished with what i was doing already, which
is nothing.  been true almost all of the last few months, annoyingly.
in debt.  night outside.  light on inside to make the outside darker.
do i go outside?  do i figure out a way to get work done again?  do i go
bike riding and see if that permits me to slow down enough to start
again?  do i go bike riding in the morning and hope that it allows me to
start again when there's a whole day available for it?  but the day will
be over again after the first class so it doesn't matter.

  -eric boesch

#179 june 28.

  first i can't bear thinking about what i'm supposed to do, then i can't bear
thinking about tricks to get around that problem, on and on until there's no
thought of decisions at all, just doing what i want, and what i want to do is
useless, hiding out.

i can imagine being utterly useless in a decade or two -- it's not a big
step.  other people would have every reason to doubt i'd have a decent
excuse to be useless, and i doubt it too.  i could probably persuade
people that i really am weird and not just deficient, but the only thing
that i clearly am is lazy.  in fact i'm already almost useless and it's
just taking a while for my bank account and grades and job to find out.

  -eric boesch

#180 june 29.

so can anyone describe how one survives after you've felt unbearably old
for so long?  there are actual adults here, right?  do you have an
answer?  i doubt i can have one.  when i'm in a good mood i have nothing
useful to tell myself when i'm not.

i'm still more or less headed towards failure, but still not
irretrievably.  i could fix it.  i could get the rest of my evil evil
evil homework in, and meanwhile get that project done, and get my job's
work done and get a better job. and then just (?) one more quarter and
i'd be out of this hole.

 ... if!  a very tired, very forgetful, unstable person like myself
getting all those things done in a row?  don't bet on it! bet heavily
against it.

old, old, old.  not old, not old, not old.  stupid.  not really.

too tired and lazy to live.  no argument.  too defenseless against
real life to live.  no argument.

#181 june 30.

  nothing that has me doing nothing.

not suddenly nothing.  not completely nothing.  see friends, see friends
some more, looks like things are improving, cheer up, get some work
done, cheer down, stop working.  new self-delusion (or not a delusion,
but i give it up, regardless), i work some, stop working.  i guess that
sort of thing has been happening for a long time but it doesn't stop any
more.  no more self-delusions.  no habits at all.  my new try at getting
up in the morning (using an electric timer as a radio) has predictably
stopped working.  i just sleep through it, mostly, or perhaps i get up
and then go back to bed fifteen minutes later.  sometimes i actually
make it to class, but the number of steps involved in the process, all
of them very unreliable, is immense.

  -eric boesch

#182 july 1.

  looked at sky through smoke heavy with human fat and god was not there. the
cold, suffocating dark goes on forever, and we are alone...
  live our lives lacking anything better to do. devise reasons later.
  born from oblivion, bear children, hellbound as ourselves, go into oblivion.
  there's nothing else.

  existence is random.  has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it
for too long.  no meaning save what we choose to impose.  this rudderless world
is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces.  it's not god who kills the
children.  not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs.
it's us.  only us.
209  streets stank of fire.  the void breathed hard on my heart, turning its
illusions to ice, shattering them.  was reborn then, free to scrawl my own
design on this morally blank world.  was rorschach.

  does that answer your questions doctor?

  -from the dc graphic novel "watchmen" by alan moore and dave gibbons

#183 july 2.

...or oww- guess what? no time. god jesus christ our my nothing savior.

  -bret easton ellis, "the rules of attraction"

#184 july 3.

so one day he got tired of waiting, tired of dedicating his life to a
future he couldn't even see happening half the time. and an attractive
woman at work was making herself available, and i was too intense and
complicated and fucked-up, and he just wanted to get away.  he claimed
to still love me, but to not want to be tied to anyone anymore. he
called it a hiatus. appearances still mattered; "we make a
great-looking couple," he told me, talking about the new woman.

  -sine

#185 july 4.

i sought to convince him that while i may have been a basket case in high
school, this was an appropriate response to my surroundings.  "why *should* i
have made friends?," i argued "just about everyone there was a preppy asshole."
he agreed that this argument had merit, though we discussed some notable
exceptions to the rule.  another thing i said was "you know, *as a school*,
lasalle had its good points."  he knew exactly what i meant.  this was after i
had shouted the word "wasteland" many times in my drunken zeal, attempting to
convey my impression of lasalle as a social environment.  he said that if he
had kids he would never inflict that experience on them.  i agreed and proposed
a toast to that sentiment.  in parting, i requested that if he ever ran
into anyone from lasalle (outside a small group of reasonable people),
would he please tell them that they suck and i still hate them, just in case
they're wondering.  he said he would, and he's the sort of person who actually
might do it.

  -paul callahan

#186 july 5.

  anybody else out ever had the feeling "i haven't had enough fun lately to
justify doing any work."?

    -paul callahan

#187 july 6.

having nothing to do, no distractions, does not make it easier for
me to work.  since i have been in the hellhole i have lost all motivation
to do anything.  i do things because i have to, and not because i give a shit.
not good for someone doing physics research who is supposed to be self-
motivated.

the almost complete lack of outside-work activity has plunged me into a
dreary state of ennui and depression, in which the main focus of my thoughts
is:  "is pursuing an interesting research career in physics worth having
to live in the hellhole?"

no escape!!!!! for hundreds of miles in any direction.  i am tired of
being surrounded by retarded, inbred  hicks with buzz cuts, and poofy
blonde bimbos.  as a source of occasional entertainment, it's not so bad,
but living here, where the cultural quality of life is so low as to be
non-existent, well....

i have come to the conclusion that living in the hellhole is not worth
the good money they pay me here.

   -meech

#188 july 7.

i can't work--i can't bring myself to lift a finger to do what's expected of me.
instead i talk on the phone or play on internet or pick my nose--anything but do
the work.  and the work is easy.  hell, everytime i walk into a 7-11 i realize
how good i've got it and how fucked i'll have it if i lose this job (btw, if any
of my charming co-workers are reading this, i invite you to go fuck yourselves
noisily--feel free to alert my manager that i'm a slacker, it's not like he
doesn't know, and i'll see you in karmic hell).

  -throated plaid

#189 july 8.

knowing that you have absolutely nothing better to do when you're finished with
that godawful, multiple all-nighter, "i'll explode if i have to even have to
look at this again" project from hell is not a big motivator.  i'm sure my gpa
would be a lot happier if i had anything at all to look forward to after the
"big crunches" that come all too often at this institution.  i want to grab a
diploma and run, but i have that oh so optimistic job market to deal with
next...i'm not exactly drooling with anticipation over that, either.  i have no
confidence in my ability to find employment that will keep me amused for more
than a month.

"it's only a few more weeks.  after four years, that's practically
insignificant."  - various people, utterly failing to be helpful

"i still have to endure every second of it.  ever tried holding your breath for
that long?"

sorry, i'm not even feeling particularly angstful.  mostly tired, and very,
very...something vaguely uncomfortable with a whopping heap of bitterness and
frustration just below the surface.  i'll deal with it tomorrow.

   -greg parkhurst

#190 july 9.

well... things in life are not so easy.  like i could get run over by a
truck today, and then i'd never have had a really satisfying relationship
with a woman.  or i could just keep on being unlucky.  there really are
people who remain lonely through their lives, just like there are people
who--say--die of cancer.  it's not their fault.  it's not that they didn't
have a positive attitude.  things just didn't work out.

    -paul callahan

#191 july 10.

i was raised by musicians--touring musicians to be exact.  one step above
being raised by wolves on the social acceptability ladder.  anyway, as a child
i would often ask my parents to stop moving around and get a nice suburban
life so i could be like everyone else around me and maybe fit in a bit.  so
they did this.  i watched my father set aside his roaming ways and settle
down into a 8 to 5 so i could have a house, a tv, a happy dog, a sturdy
fence, a cat.  he got a fucking mortgage and self-righteous neighbors out of
the deal.  i watched this life style kill him (literally).  i watched my dad
put over a decade of his life into the system--taking the shit from superiors
being a good little middle class guy--all for me--only to have the system
turn around and fuck him over.  and now i'm at school where everyone talks
about their suburban concerns, their suburban dreams, their suburban
neighborhoods and their suburban shopping sprees and i just can't relate.  yet
i feel each day takes me closer to the very thing that i hate.  middle class
people have more [stuff] than 90% of the people in this world--but at what cost?
dreary, drab, boring, loss of soul.  are they really so well off?  i have
yet to meet a middle class person who is happy--distracted perhaps--but not
happy--or honest--or open.  but what's the alternative? also, i certainly
wouldn't want to raise children in suburbia--look at what the contradictions
can do to someone--look at the insecurity it breeds. look at how it kills
creativity--making people think they can't create.  how can i work, when
i have no desire to reap the "rewards"  i don't even know what i want.

  -richard thompson

#192 july 11.

i watched the middle-class suburban existance kill my father also.
watched him cash in his retirement to escape the 9 to 5 routine, to
buy a small general store along the mississippi river, even as i tried
to talk him out of it, tried to tell him he was buying into an existence
that ceased to exist decades ago. watched his self-esteem and health
crumble as the profits for the store did. watched him dwindle away
to nothing and die as surely as the store slide toward bankruptcy.

   -j.

#193 july 12.

this is the first time i've actually spent any time reading alt.angst, and
i must say its damn scary how closely i relate to what's written here.
realizing things-are-naturally-fucked-up-and-there's-nothing-you-can-do-about-
it-so-you's-damn-well-better-get-used-to-it is really tough on one's psyche.
from this group and from people i know in the ever so dreary real world it
seems to me that there are two ways angst will affect a person.  one:  the
angst will just make life seem even more a joke than it always has--the person
manages to maintain a good sense of humor about it most of the time and, aside
from having to sit alone in a dark room and cry every once in awhile, they
are quite capable of getting on with his or her life and have an alright time
of it.  two: the angst becomes overwhelming; the victim seeks nothing more
than to find a corner or hole to hide in, away from reality, and ultimately
decides the only true escape from it is death...they stop living long before
they die.

  -richard thompson

#194 july 13.

first time i started feeling down and completely unmotivated was right after
school; i was wondering whether all the plans i had made for the future were
"right" (in terms of being successful one day  - whatever that means- ,
achieving all the goals i had set for myself). also, i had this constant
fear of missing out on something... that i wasn't making the most the of
present.

within a year life became a nightmare - i had a hard time enjoying myself,
became a loner - good therapy when you're depressed ;-) - all my basic skills
of socializing were gone. when depressed, you not only tend to torture
yourself, but in addition you become surprisingly good at pissing everybody
else off, too.

but i believe there's one good aspect about severe depressions: spending
all that time "inside" my mind gave me a chance to reflect upon all the
things of the past - although, at times it seemed almost impossible to
acknowledge and/or accept them - and wonder about the "meaning of life"
(don't ever do that - it only makes things worse !). but wanting back my old
life and the way i used to look at it, i had to take the initiative. talking
to my friends and parents helped me a great deal - now, i truly appreciate
peace of mind...

  -carsten

#195 july 14.

you guys are a great help! thanks!  not only does it help knowing other people
do or have felt like this, but some of your have developed great ways of
dealing with these feelings.  its also very good for the soul to gripe and
not be too afraid that people are going to get mad at you for griping--seems
that everyone is afraid you're going to bring them down and they'd rather you
not disturb their precarious hold on happiness (i certainly can't blame them!),
so its nice to communicate with people who will talk about these sorts of
things.

i...i...i just love you guys *sniff*...

ok, sorry, its getting cheesy.  you're all just a bunch of sorry loser assholes
and dont you forget it!!

  -richard thompson

#196 july 15.

there are definitely things i don't care about anymore.  like, i don't care
whom i hurt anymore.  for example, i have no problem with the idea of
encouraging some woman to break up with another guy to date me--even if he's
not a scum.  i don't care who he is.  i'd be happy with my own success and i'd
laugh in his face.  in fact, i'd make a special point of laughing in his face,
because i'd enjoy it so much.  i'm sure he'd do the same for me, given the
chance.

also, i've pretty much given up whatever sort of puritanical notions of virtue
i may have maintained up until a few years ago.  i don't know if it's right or
wrong.  again, i don't care.  i know what i want, and i'm perfectly willing to
admit it.  fidelity, for example, is a good thing, but if some woman is willing
to cheat on her boyfriend, it's not my job to keep her from doing it.  i've
gotten over the problem of pretending it is.  it took years, but i got over it.

  -paul callahan

#197 july 16.

all i'm doing is belatedly adopting the rules other people live by, regardless
of what they tell themselves.  i'm not entirely happy about it.  it's a
compromise.  i'd like things to be more friendly, and more fair, but
they're not, and as far as i can tell, never will be.  if i were younger,
maybe i could get the idealistic thing to work.  i tried it a few times, and
sometimes it seemed like it could work under the right conditions.  at my
current age, it doesn't seem too likely anymore.  i'd be fooling myself, and
i'm sick of fooling myself.

what i won't give up is my integrity, because it's all i have left.
i'll be an asshole if i have to be, but if you ask me what i'm doing, i'll
tell you that i'm being an asshole.  i have no problem with this.  well, i
have some problems with it, but it's part of a necessary compromise.

my big gripe is with the sort of woman who has this vestigial guilt about,
say, cheating on her current boyfriend.  but, like, she'll *do* it, just
so long as she can attribute all guilt to the other guy (i.e. me).  every
sort of physical interaction must be *my* idea.  she never actually says yes
to anything.  maybe she wants me and hints and hints and hints, but
she holds out from giving genuine consent because she can't stand the guilt.

  -paul callahan

#198 july 17.

there are women who feel guilty about their sexuality, and would
prefer all interactions to be the guy's idea.  if they say no in an ambiguous
way, certain guys (most, i'd say) won't interpret it as no.  (there are also
scum who don't understand no when it is clearly intended as such--tone of voice
is a pretty good give-away--but that's not what i'm talking about.)  when i
come along and take no at face value, women don't beg and plead and tell me
they really meant yes.  instead, they go looking for another guy who is willing
to put up with the ambiguity.

are such women worth it?  maybe not.  but life gets pretty lonely when 99.9%
of the people you meet aren't worth the trouble.

  -paul callahan

#199 july 18.

i've decided that happiness is fundamentally unstable.  i suppose there are
those who are nearly always happy, but they always seem to come across as
ignorant somehow...they tend to have some sort of crutch that i can't buy into,
such as a faith which tells them "don't worry, be happy, everyone will get
theirs in the end."

sometimes when i find that i'm enjoying myself, i feel like the cartoon
character who's just run off the edge of a cliff but hasn't noticed yet.  the
fall is waiting, but as long as he doesn't look down, he can walk on air...he
can never resist the temptation to peek, however, and the audience laughs as he
screams all the way down to the inevitable impact.

i must be so used to getting screwed that when i'm having fun, someone has to
pound it into my head that my feet are still on the ground.  otherwise i keep
checking to make sure and end up missing it all.

   -greg parkhurst

#200 july 19.

got up at 8:00 a.m.
went to work.
worked
went home.
ate
had a few beers.
went to sleep.
woke up next morning.
watched the ags get trounced by nd.
ack!
much like every other day.
in fact i think all my days are just reruns of the previous ones.
i need to put in a new tape. maybe i can rent someone else's.

  -chuck machala

#201 july 20.

 i seem to enjoy wallowing in angst, or bad situations in general.  give me a
death in my family (none, unfortunately) or a good war or disaster or a failed
or unfulfilled relationship or just general loneliness or even an angstful
realization of the pointlessness of my own existence.  why?  because no matter
what the external situation is, i still feel pain.  i can be distracted from it
for a time, perhaps even for a while, but as soon as the dust clears, the climax
is reached, the party ends or even is still for a moment, i still feel it, deep
inside.

having a focus for it, any focus, any cause, makes me feel better.  that way i
at least think i know why i hate life.

you might say "you're responsible for your pain, deal with it, do something
about it.  you don't have to be in a painful situation", but the pain bas been
an inseparable part of life for me.  i am the pain.  it was there before i
existed as a conscious being.  it almost doesn't make sense for it not to be
there.

  -brian murphy

#202 july 21.

actually, i still don't quite really believe that existence is possible without
pain.  for years i wondered how everyone else was so good at pretending to be
happy, while i could never quite keep up the sham for long.  i still almost
believe they're just "unconscious" of their fate, a different species, not like
me.

clinical depression?  probably.  curable?  maybe.  but the problem is deeper
than just a failure to try to have fun, or a failure to purge the ill humours.
for a long time i thought it was, that there was some easy fix, some magic
"happy" behavior i just wasn't getting right.  i've come to realize that i have
to recognize and deal with the inside pain before the outside pain matters (as
more than a mirror to reveal what's inside).

   -brian murphy

#203 july 22.

regardless of whether a man with long hair appeals to me, a man with
intelligence and wit and a twisted bent world view, regardless of whether
he has that twinkle in his eye and that sparkle in his soul....

if he can't get past the games and the rules that society dumps on us,
those travesties that make it so difficult for men and women to speak
to each other, to hear each other, to understand each other,
what difference does it make?

   -j.

#204 july 23.

i finally figured it out. that nagging head pain, reoccuring periodically
enuf to be a bother. throbbing enuf to be a hindrance to daily function.
i finally figured out what it was!!!

you're sailing along, think you've dealt with the mysteries of life for the
day, have put the angst poking at you from the back of your brain aside
and are trying to get on with it. life isn't necessary good, but at least
on an even keel. then whap! smack!@ a 2 x 4 wallops you upside the head.
wood splinters and imbeds on the side of your skull.

"what were you thinking?? you thought you had it all figured out??"
whap!
"everything you thought was wrong! all your answers are bogus!"
pow!
smack!
"all the things you thought you knew are bogus! everything you
figured out about your life is bogus!!"
whap! whap! whap!

   -j.

#205 july 24.

     as work shifted out of the fields and the home, children had to
be prepared for factory life. the early mine, mill, and factory owners
of industrializing england discovered, as andrew ure wrote in 1835,
that it was "nearly impossible to convert persons past the age of
puberty, whether drawn from rural or from handicraft occupations, into
useful factory hands." if young people could be prefitted to the
industrial system, it would vastly ease the problems of industrial
discipline later on. the result was another central structure of all
second wave societies: mass education.
     built on the factory model, mass education taught basic reading,
writing, and arithmetic, a bit of history and other subjects. this was
the "overt curriculum." but beneath it lay an invisible or "covert
curriculum" that was far more basic. it consisted - and still does in
most industrial nations - of three courses: one in punctuality, one in
obedience, and one in rote, repetitive work. factory labor demanded
workers who showed up on time, especially assembly-line hands. it
demanded workers who could take orders from a management heirarchy
without questioning. and it demanded men and women prepared to slave
away at machines or in offices, performing brutally repetitious
operations.

             -alvin toffler, "the third wave," 1980

#206 july 25.

what you need to fall in love: dopamin, nor-adrenalin and phenylaethylamin.
then some endorphines and oxytocin to keep it up. testosterone will keep the
female sexually receptive.

  so what happens is that the male sees a female capable of bearing children,
and tries to do all sorts of tricks to sneak his twanger up inside her.
they fall in love, and nature is now providing them with around 7 months to
procreate. after this the feeling disappers or changes. these 7 months
infatuations are, among other things, called "may-december romances". when the
infatuation wears off, they might split, or turn it into "love".
  if the male stays, he'll probably also get "the 7-year itch". the kids are old
enough for him to leave, everything has become routine, and he still has more
sperm to squeeze out inside females.

  there. you've learned two new words again. then it might also interest you
that women are attracted to men with high status that can offer them security
and provide. so, nerds with no money and status and nasty thoughts are not
going to procreate.
  a woman wants a man.

likewise, females that do not look healthy in body and spirit are less likely to
get the partner of their dreams.

  -neugamme

#207 july 26.

"90% of all birds, stay with the same partner all their life."

it's a fact. but nature's not idyllic. nature's about spreading your genes.
let's have a look at the harmony among ducks:

fidelity: the male will try to fuck as many females as he can get away with. if
the female is unfaithful her partner will punish her by stopping to feed the
offspring or by not defending her and the nest.

rape: it's not uncommon to see a troupe of male ducks rape a female. her partner
will make mch noise, but cannot do anything against the rapists. when they are
finished he'll fuck her himself, just to make sure that there's a chance it'll
be his genes that are carried on.

   -abstract of work by swedish biologist anders pape moeller.

#208 july 27.

  later anders pape moeller caught the male swallow and spent the day watching
what the female did in his absence. the female was offered lots of sex by male
swallows that came looking. the male neighbours came by for a fuck, and the
female usually allowed the older males that had a partner, but not the
partner-less young swallows. but they can get their chance by killing her
offspring. if a female hasn't had any success with a bunch of eggs, she'll be
looking for a new partner.
  ironsparrows have more males than females. the males are grouped into
dominating ones (with partner) and weak ones (without partner). the weak ones
will feed the offspring, if they're allowed to fuck one of the dominating males'
partner. otherwise, it'll do it's best to smash the eggs. females are interested
in getting as many partners as possible, because it means food and protection is
provided by more males. they live in bushes, and it's easy for the female to
find a partner. if she's away from the nest when her principal partner returns
he'll peck on her porthole until the rivals sperm drips out, then fuck her
himself.

  -abstract of work by swedish biologist anders pape moeller.

#209 july 28.

  more about birds.
the goshawk is a predator. the female stays at the nest while the male flies out
to get food. if another male comes by, she'll let herself get fucked in return
for food. that's why the goshawk is the number one bird when it comes to fucking
with 500 to 600 fucks a season. the male has to make sure that he's the most
possible father of the offspring.
  then there's of course the the cukoo (in the nest), but we all know about that
one.

oh, and while we're at it, war is not uncommon among animals, neither is
cannibalism.

and all these damned happy indian tribes or people in the south pacific that
worshipped mother nature, clean water, children, astrolgy, female goddesses,
peace, love, sex and vegetarianism were all neurotic, stupid and constipated.
and actually very very unhappy most of the time. new age and nature my arse!

  -neugamme and anders pape moeller

(ander pape moeller is teaching biology at the university of upssala, sweden,
and writing for the swedish "naturen och os". neugamme is nasty.)

#210 july 29.

definition of the classic comedy: the little clever one, cheats the big
stupid/powerful/respected one.

definition of the clasic tragedy: a noble person has a noble project that turns
to shit in his hands.

definition of the evil comedy: the little stupid one has no projects and eats
shit with delight because he can't taste the difference between shit and cake.
the noble one hopes in vain.

  -neugamme

#211 july 30.

  i don't want to look at the world anymore. it either has something attractive
which experience has taught me is impossible to get, or something ugly and
depressing.

  -steven snedker

#212 july 31.

draw a circle. fine.
that's all you know and are able to comprehend.

now, draw a circle around that. good.
that's what you can be able to know/comprehend/apprehend, by just doing a
little bit of work.

why should you do it?
beats me. every miserable day.

  -a teacher

#213 august 1.

from: chawla@wam.umd.edu (jay paul chawla)
subject: alt.angst frequently asked questions, revision 1/18/92

q) today i met ...

a) she's taking advantage of you, she hates you, she's evil, and she
will ruin your life.

#214 august 2.

as far as i'm concerned, heroism is the poetic component of taking such a risk.
your allusion to game theory is correct, but to me it's like saying "a flower is
not a thing of beauty; it's a mechanism selected because it attracts pollinating
insects." if i accept the premise that heroism applies to any sort of human
behavior, then i am willing to apply it to the haitian refugees.  in relative
terms, anyway, each and every one of them is more heroic than i've ever been.

my point is simply that i do not consider rational analysis sufficient in the
treatment of moral or esthetic issues.

it's far too easy to use abstract analysis as a way to avoid confronting moral
issues.  my reaction is visceral.

   -paul callahan

#215 august 3.

> ...

jesus fuck, either that took you two days to type or you can do
30,000 words a minute.  that liz chick was thanking you "for being you"
because to her that means that you're so nice and gullible
that you'll take care of her while she's "snogging" with some bozo
she just picked up.  in the back of your car no less!  you should
have killed them both on the spot, or at least made her find her
own ride home.

when _i_ have had that "thanks for being you" line used on me, it's
meant "i know you're romantically interested in me, but you're such
a puffball that you'll let me walk all over you and just come back
for more".  if you want to be treated like a human being then drop
her now.  if liz really wanted you she'd have been "snogging" with
you the day you met her; since you're not, then she won't see you
as a romantic interest.  get away from her before you're forced to hear
about how badly her relationship with the bogan is going.

    -eric murray

#216 august 4.

>anyway, one day, it seemed, she decided not to talk to me,
>ever again. no explanation, no nothing. i called, even sent a letter, all
>to no avail. now, i can handle a "no", or an "i don't think we should
>see each other," and yes, even an ljbf, but not a situation with no
>feedback. this ego wound festered for weeks,

this has happened to me several times, and every goddamn time it does
i just turn in on myself and the angst festers into a horrendous sore
and gives me indigestion and shaking hands and the
wander-the-streets-late-at-night syndrome characteristic of mid- to
late-adolescent males.

  -hobbes

#217 august 5.

> [...] i'm bitchy as hell, probably because the room spins when i move my
> head too fast

well, that's to be expected, it's all a joke, reality i mean, it's not
very versatile and it doesn't react very quickly, 1000 lines of c code
on a commodore 64, if you try to look at too much at once it all
starts to flicker.  so if you were wondering whether there can be
anything more in life than just the same stuff over and over, well no
there can't, that's all there is to it, sorry, maybe the next version
will be better that way.

besides, we don't like it if you stress the illusions we've made for
you, stick to the standard demos, we're sure we've worked them out
properly.

>and i still feel somewhat as if large people with even
>larger sticks have been beating on me.

see what i mean?  but anyway, it hasn't been debugged very well,
if you do anything strange it might all malfunction or even hang.

    -jay paul chawla

#218 august 6.

>most people agree that angst is what you feel in response to the
>realization that life sucks and really doesn't have any great design
>behind it. people write here about the echoes of this futility in their
>lives, about the pain of fighting this void, about why and how they
>manage to find (or create) meaning in their lives anyway.

i'd include that feeling of helplessness when you think you've figured life out,
you're content with your current existence/life pattern/failure
rate/car/job/attempts to change/whatever, and you appear to be acting under your
own volition when *wham!* something from completely out of the blue wriggles in,
yells "boo!" and screws up all of your ideas about why things happen the way
they do.

mother nature does play dice with the universe.  sadly, they're loaded.

   -have clue, will travel

#219 august 7.

>if there were a god, then he would just destroy everything now and get it over
>with

you are god.  you can destroy everything now and get it over with, and it will
only take one bullet.  you have my blessing.

   -scott hanson

this has been a recording.

#220 august 8.

i had a work dream and alt.angst dream in one yesterday, a well-packaged,
merchandisable dream, so of course i have to tell everyone about it.  it
had a nice obvious moral that i will ignore, which in part was "don't
tell them all about it."  but dreaming about work makes me want to sing
with joy:  hymn #507, "snap me into place and turn me in circles
forever, god, i'm happy to be a cog."

in the dream, i start in the front yard of this hotel, and i repeatedly
fuck up, i don't remember how.  somehow fucking up equals ending up
further and further back in the yard, and the part of the yard is
physically identical to the paper i'm creating life-graphs on;
unfortunately the graph keeps straying below the bottom of the paper so
i keep having to start over while displaying lower and lower ranges of
the life-quality-axis.  but i fix the problem once and for all by making
sure the life-quality-axis goes all the way to the back fence, where the
dumpster is; i end up right in the dumpster but at least i have my nice
neat graph of it, the end.

  -eric boesch

#221 august 9.

>wow.  i've never really thought about it this way, but y'know, it
>really does seem to work out that way.  either it's obvious very
>early on that there's going to be boinking action / intamacy, or
>it ends up in a months-long quest with little reward and ultimately
>ends in failure.

but of course, every relationship i was in prior to discovering that
rule fit it, and none of the relationships i've been in since i discovered
it have fit.

there's probably another rule in that, but i don't want to find it.

      -eric murray

#222 august 10.

we are signing the final divorce decree tomorrow.

tick.. tick.. tick..

there's not a damn thing in the world to do about it.

tick.. tick.. tick..

did you ever feel like you were watching your life end in slow motion?

tick.. tick.. tick..

  -steve

#223 august 11.

i've given up drugs and drinking so i can study (and hopefully pass)
my orals.  now that i'm straight and sober all the time, i've re-realized how
much my life sucks.  no hobbies, no girlfriends, good at nothing but school &
pool.  and if anyone mentions the latter as some sort of silver lining: fuck
off.  i miss my self-inflicted hazy perceptions.

   -matt hopkins

             "admit nothing.  blame everyone.  be bitter."

#224 august 12.

i mean, in theory, i have almost everything you could want: a job that
pays enough to live on but doesn't take up too much of my time,
creative projects that intrigue me, amusing housemates who keep
domestic life from being too lonely or dull, friends all over the
place (real-life and virtual), stuff to do on weekends, dates every
now and then, occasional experiments with mind-altering chemicals,
books to read, a diet that's working really well... if you described
my life to me, i'd think "wow, cool, sounds fun."

but it all tastes distant, like it's something i'm reading about in
the paper, not something i'm living. except for periodic flashes of
intensity (that usually don't last more than a few hours at best), the
day-to-day reality of meness is *boring*. i get up, check in on the
net, go to work, go home, eat dinner, go to sleep. trundle, trundle,
the freedom ball rolls across a few more inches of floorboard before i
collapse into sleep. and sleeping's just so i'll have the energy to
push the ball a tiny bit further the next day. but where am i going
with this? what's the point? is there any reason to keep moving? if i
keep it going for a few more days, it'll be friday and i can get
vaguely intoxicated and go let music flow through me like a shower and
everything will feel deeply meaningful for three hours.  then i'll go
home and go to sleep again. i don't even think having a permanent
lover would change much; it would just make things inside my hamster
ball all that more crowded.

    -sine

#225 august 13.

this is the age old question, 'is there any purpose or meaning to this existence ?'
to which we on alt.angst have come to resounding conclusion that the answer is a
fat 'no'. it keeps you comfortable and vaguely amused and prevents you from getting
too bored, but the weeks and the months fly by and your life is passing and before
you know it all the years are gone and you look back and think 'what did i do in
my life ?', 'where did all those years go ?'. the answer being that you were just
another average person living an average life, no point, no purpose, just because.

so, i believe that one should at least attempt to avoid the average, because the
world is full of 'average people' and it doesn't need anymore. of course this
is not so easy in a world designed and constructed in such a way as to channel
you into average sort of behaviour. also you put your comfortable life style at
risk and if things go wrong you likely-as-not will wish you could go back to your
'average' life.

but i for one must do something. i'm terrified that i will wake up one day and
twenty years will have passed and i will be still in the same town, doing the
same sort of job etc etc. i don't yet know how or when or what, but something.

       -alex bienek

#226 august 14.

	so tired that i couldn't even sleep
	so many secrets i couldn't keep
	promised myself i wouldn't weep
	one more promise i couldn't keep
	it seems no one can help me now
	i'm in too deep there's no way out
	this time i have really led myself astray
	runaway train never coming back
	wrong way on a one-way track
	seems like i should be getting somewhere
	somehow i'm neither here nor there

         -soul asylum

#227 august 15.

on the crisis line that i worked with for 5+ years, about half of
our "chronics" were wankers... the other half seemed mainly to depend on the
crisis line as a means of reaffirming their own existence, mainly by trying to
get some sort of reaction out of us.  this usually took the form of threatening
to take their own lives or, occasionally, the lives of others.  quite often,
these people were very dismayed that (a) we took their suicidal/homicidal
threats seriously, or that (b) we had come to realize that they were crying
wolf.  enough exposure to this type, and the idealistic volunteer is back to
square one, or square -1, even.

  -tom dennis

feeling "real" is a random occurrence in my life.

#228 august 16.

i recently discovered that whenever i whined/complained/lamented about my
life, i was always presented with a bunch of strong advice, like commit
myself to siddha yoga, volunteer, meditate, take a vacation, visit the
parents, extension classes, etc.

at first i was terribly impressed with the people who fervently believed
in something and wished that i could have the same kind of faith which
would essentially answer all questions and provide me with a purpose and
plenty of activities and service, maybe even a so.

but that isn't who i am and so it never works.  i think it's natural to
question one's purpose.  actually there is no purpose.  even people doing
terribly dramatic things can always find someone who's beat them to do
something even more dramatic.  my personal insight is that there's
nothing i can physically _do_ to make my life this great "thing."

supposedly things should be like this or that if it's really good
(according to society), but that has never proved to be true.

   -karen ronan

#229 august 17.

from the alt.angst faq by erik radmall

   other than that, you can use the rule of thumb that states "if it feels
   bad, post it." chicken little is an excellent example of someone who
   should have posted to this group. here, the sky is always falling. our
   world is in constant crisis with spectres of war, famines and starvation,
   poverty, abuse of the environment, racism and bigotry, corrupt leaders,
   religious zealotry, fear of death, and soured personal relationships,
   not to mention the biggies, like "what is life all about, anyway?"
   this should leave no shortage of "angstogens" for your personal angst
   mill.

   we all embrace angst here. it is what defines our existence. after all,
   what use would life be if everything was easy and there was nothing to
   worry about? angst is a necessary element in the growth and development
   of any human being. it is what builds character. it provides contrast
   and depth to the human experience. in fact, it is so important that
   people without any *real* forms of angst often create it. diseases like
   hypochondria, some forms of depression, and a host of other "ailments"
   are all indicative of someone suffering from a low angst level.

#230 august 18.

wait! listen to me! i understand! i realize i've waxed a bit obtuse, but it's
not all that incoimprehensilbe! i just forgot where i was for a minute. i'm not
trying to preach or entertain myself or anything, just trying to identify.
which is hard. cause it all evaporated.

there's no cure. it's not here. it's either just soothing myself for a while or
moving to a more comfortable position. it's better though. i should like to
think that i have traded something for peace. i don't remember what it was.
authenti

oh this is silly. it's like this: i hated certain things about my life. there
was an emptiness, a feeling that i was not quite happy. there was also a
feeling that i was somehow different because of my hatred for my situation.
that i could somehowkeep above it all because i knew what was _really_ going
on. how stupid. it's all really really stupid stuff like not wanting to
endanger my melancholy.. i know no one like being unhappy. but sometimes it's
because they know... they think that there's no hope. yeah, that's it. this
inuitive _knowing_ that judgment has already been rendered. but it's just a
choice. not a simple one or a selfevident one, but it is. oh i know you dont
believe me. after all, emotion doesn't work, reason doesn't work, why should
volition? vagueness as a defense. i can smile at the snow now, and go outside
and play in it. rather than let it eerily haunt the windows. that's the
punctuation mark of my irisless buddhaspace: i can smile at the snow.

    -nick lopez

#231 august 19.

i have nothing against society instilling certain values.  in fact, it's
as outrageous to expect a child to develop ethical principles from scratch as
it is to expect them to, say, reinvent the concept of written language.  life
is too short to rediscover everything.  but what i don't like is the particular
value (or lack thereof) that seems most prevalent, which is that you shouldn't
try to find consistency in actions and beliefs.  in fact, many people become
positively insulted when you point out (however politely) that their beliefs
are inconsistent with their actions or their other beliefs.  they'd rather not
know.  my values are inconsistent, but i consider it a *good* thing to be made
aware of this fact--no, *not* a pleasant thing.

i just think that rather than instilling values, the typical process of
childhood encourages people to give lip-service to values, and then do whatever
they can get away with.

  -paul callahan

#232 august 20.

a story:

i'm not sure if i included this in the original post, but i don't exactly have
much experience with women; truth be told, i've never had a real girlfriend
before.  so once again, while on some intellectual level i can accept "she may
lbjf you, and things may get a little weird for a while", etc, some conscious
level won't allow me to accept that possibility -- it's always looking at the
worst-case scenario and passing it off as the most likely case...
[...]
re: "honesty is not perverse."  i _do_ trust her.  i would trust her with my
_life_.  and the fact that i'm hiding this from her is tearing me apart from
inside.  you claim that i _must_ tell her, but you provide little assurance to
my soul that in the end, things will not end up worse than they are now...
[...]
i called her about two hours ago, did my best to explain the situation to her,
and promptly got ljbfed.  we then proceeded to spend half an hour talking
about why i'm so fucked up.  i finally hung up, and went out for a long walk,
which ended here at the computer lab...

#233 august 21.

do these people realize what *i* see when i look at them?  i don't think so.
it's one thing to not care what people think, it's another to be ignorant.
there's this sense that the world is just a big hat store and these people busy
themselves all day long trying on hats.  it would never occur to them not to
like hats.  boy, i'm starting to really lose it here.  ok, here it is--it's this
lack of awareness that leads to conformity, and that's where my problem is.  it
*kills* me to look at people constantly who aren't in touch with themselves,
they're just doing what they think is the norm.  fuck hats!!!

   -mark goldstein

#234 august 22.

 i despise my job and have no respect for the people i work with, yet i feel
panic when i think about losing the salary, health benefits, use of phone, laser
printer, xerox, etc.  then i feel guilty for being a weasel.  then i feel
resentful because even in weasel mode, i operate more efficiently than 99
percent of my fellow employees, and produce better results (top management's
assessment, not entirely mine).  then i feel guilty and loser-like because i
didn't go for a better company in the field when job hunting six years ago.
nobody there has an inkling that i hate them, only because everything functions
more smoothly when you don't give people a reason to hate you in return.  then i
feel hypocritical.  my wife asked whether i was ok when she heard me, again this
morning, chanting "i quit...  i quit.....  i quit...." in the shower.  i didn't
even know i was doing it.

                        -trapped
#235 august 23.

hey...nobody ever said the media and corporate consumerholiday planning
commission ever had to be fair.  *you're* just feeling that way because *you*
don't fit in.  if you bought everything we told you to and did everything we
said, you'd have young just-barely-postpubescent babes crawling all over you.

 -stephen okay

#236 august 24.

i prefer thin  (wo)men over    fat women
i prefer smart  (wo)men over   stupid women
i prefer rich    (wo)men over  poor women
i prefer healthy  (wo)men over sick women
i prefer pretty  (wo)men over  ugly women
i prefer funny  (wo)men over   boring women

  -a consumer quoting don husby

when considering candidates for possible male-female types of relationships, i
tend to choose those that i find attractive based upon several criterion.  i
simply do not pursue this type of relationship with women who i find
unattractive since, i presume it would not be good for either of us.  i'm
willing to explore the possibility that i'm evil, or unenlightened, for thinking
this way.

  -don husby

#237 august 25.

>the way to start a relationship is to focus on who someone else *is*
>instead of what you think they can do for you.

that sounds really neat, but it's like saying "the way to pass an exam
is to focus on the important parts of the subject". it sounds nice but
it doesn't help you at all. i guess the right word is contentfree.

there are plenty of other thing in sines posting that i would like to
comment on but this should be enough to serve as basis for some
misunderstandings.

   -jesper lauridsen

alt.angst sounds a lot better than alt.pathetic.losers

#238 august 26.

depression runs deep in the souls of many who read life and know its
purposelessness.  yet these are among the most powerful and dangerous of
all people, for they hold in their own hands the worth of their lives,
and create it with every breath.

                       -curious of all natures

#239 august 27.

some rainy winter sundays when there's a little boredom, you should
always carry a gun.  not to shoot yourself, but to know exactly that
you're always making a choice.
                              -lina wertmuller

#240 august 28.

four years ago i'd wondered how i could take much more of this.  i
figured that at some point, being an utter failure must become easier to
deal with, because i felt i couldn't stand much more, but people have
done it without putting their heads in vises and turning.  well, it
looks like i was part right.  i couldn't stand much more of it.  my
spirit's crushed and i've gone neurotic.

   -captain stability

#241 august 29.

in movies, courage is rewarded; if people screw up their courage, then
no matter what else happens, they're better people for it.  really, if
courage earns a tangible reward then fine but if it fails it may be good
it may be bad but i think usually nothing happens "wisdom" is so often
irrelevant you think what you want but afterward your mood reflects your
situation and your emotions, that's all, your beliefs are just a
footnote your mind goes blank for an instant one day and you realize you
feel almost exactly as you did two years ago and even if in a similar
situation three years ago or one year ago you did it right it doesn't
matter this time you're going to do it wrong because you have learned
nothing that means anything.  you can search your wisdom for solutions,
manipulate your little mental self-image forward and backward in
time, give your little self-image advice and try to make it succeed.  so
finally the little self-image is sitting there triumphant at the top of
the hill, and you are almost as content as if it were really you who had
succeeded.  but when it is really you who must do it, you find that the
self-image was inaccurate because you can't simultaneously remember all
the ways you can be ornery.  or after reaching the top of the hill you
see that while you were busy succeeding on one front, you forgot and
overstepped ten other self-imposed boundaries, and your "success" was
just another in a rotating set of failures.

  -captain stability

#242 august 30.

five senses; an incurably abstract intellect; a haphazardly selective
memory; a set of preconceptions and assumptions so numerous that i can
never examine more than minority of them - never become conscious of
them all.  how much of total reality can such an apparatus let through?

                         -c. s. lewis

#243 august 31.

tears, idle tears,
i know not what they mean,
tears from the depth of some divine despair,
rise in the heart and gather in the eyes,
in looking on the happy autumn fields,
and thinking of the days that are no more.

              -alfred, lord tennyson

#244 september 1.

there are two tragedies in life.  one is to lose your heart's desire.
the other is to gain it.

   -george bernard shaw

i was looking for a job, and then i found a job, and heaven knows i'm miserable
now.

   -the smiths, "heaven knows i'm miserable now"

marry, and you'll regret it. marry not, and you'll regret it.
any which way but win.

   -clint eastwood quoting soeren kierkegaard and vice-versa

#245 september 2.

i'll never get a decent job
this thing with the ex is just a 'weak moment'
i'll never get out of debt
i'll never find anyone to love
i'll always be runner up
i'll never find happiness
because i'm not good enough
i'm a social misfit
i'll never get what i want
cos i don't know how to get it
nothing will ever go right
cos i always fuck it up
cos i am a fuckup
ignorant, deaf, blind and dumb
i just want to beat myself
until i go numb
or put a glock to my head
and pull the trigger
nothing will ever go right for me
just fuckup after fuckup
nothing's ever right
everything's wrong
somebody help
please
urg!

-malcolm diallo moore

#246 september 3.

something goes awry with democracy of the hundred millions.  in the
athens of old, one man's anger could shift the stride of the entire
populace.  today, your chances of dying in a car crash on your way to
vote are ten times greater than your chances of making a difference in a
national election with said vote.  somewhere, in the foggy realms
between orders of magnitude, human will has left the process.

               -curious of all natures

#247 september 4.

the effort to understand the universe is one of the very few things that
lifts human life a little above the level of farce, and gives it some of
the grace of tragedy.

            -steven weinberg

#248 september 5.

if enough people told enough people to put their heads under trucks, i'm
sure they would do so.  i wonder why no-one has thought of doing that?

                 -noel coward

#249 september 6.

a woman who doesn't know me and who hasn't talked to me, has no basis upon which
it would reasonable (to me) to ask me out rather than some guy who is
in better shape, dresses better, etc.  i'm not saying she should wait around;
that's stupid, and doesn't indicate a great deal of self-confidence anyhow.
i'm saying that if she asks me out ("desperation" was sort of an
exaggeration) she seems less desirable to me because she's indicating that
she doesn't feel desirable to guys who are better looking than me.

is this still completely neurotic?  yes.

  -paul callahan

"to most anxious persons the use of the head, the wits, the ability to be
 ever on the alert, to apprehend danger and lurking forces of destruction, are
 the very bases of such meager security as they possess."

     -wolff's headache and other head pain, fourth edition_

#250 september 7.

some days you wake up and everything is dull, like you're looking at
the world with dirty saran wrap over your eyes. like your contact
lenses are fogged and you can't get them to clear, everything just
feels hazy and indistinct, you know there are true things out there
but damned if you can get them in focus.

  -sine

#251 september 8.

> one of the best things that i ever read long ago was something or other that
> said all of our perceptions are illusion.  we are creatures incapable of
> knowing objective absolute reality (if indeed it even exists!)
> so if our life is really an illusion, why not make that a happy illusion?

shit, why not make yourself superman while you're at it?  or jesus?  "i don't
like the color of the sky--i think it will be pink today."

a little philosophy is a dangerous thing.  most of the people that i know who
are miserable most of the time are miserable because of things that happened to
them in the past, usually during childhood, or are depressed because of
chemical imbalances in their brains.  telling them that the former might have
been an illusion denotes a stunning lack of empathy, and suggesting that they
wish away the latter is purest fantasy.

             -tom dennis

#252 september 9.

>i personally believe this to be true. i agree with the existentialists
>who say that we create our own reality. we have this terrible freedom
>to determine our own existence (as in inner existence). if we perceive
>the world to be a miserable place, it is because we choose to view it
>that way.

choosing not to be miserable is not the same thing as choosing rocky road ice
cream instead of fudge ripple, jack, yet you make it sound just as simple.

> life has pressures, no doubt about it, but that's the nature of life.
>why dwell on the negative? what's the point? does it benefit you?
>(sometimes, in some perverse way, it does.)

sometimes working through your problems is a better way of dealing with the
slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, rather than sweeping it under the rug
and pretending it didn't exist.

               -tom dennis

#253 september 10.

[anecdote about 20-year-old "girl" with cp deleted]

if there's one thing that i can stand less than a "young abe lincoln" story,
it's a "helen keller" story.  physical and/or sensory disabilities are not the
most potent authors of misery, no matter how much the "temporarily abled" want
to pity those who have them.

i sincerely hope and pray that your position in your high school does not
require or even encourage you to counsel students who are having a rough time
of things.

          -tom dennis

#254 september 11.

i am so sick of living here in heterogeneity-ville, usa.  everyone here
looks the same, and talks the same, and acts the same and listens to
the same music.  the little pieces of rebellion in their lives are all
the same.  they have all lived lives of quiet non-desperation.  they
think visiting their parents is an enjoyable thing to do. they live in
their little worlds and look at me funny if i try to talk to them.
i'm some type of divine freak to them, and though they find me valuable
from an entertainment point of view, they have no common ground with me.

i'm sick of not having anyone to be crazy with.  i'm tired of having to run
up my ld phone bill just to have a conversation that doesn't require an
hour of backgoruond for each sentence because my life is so fucking
foreign that there's no frame of reference.

            -jenny

#255 september 12.

but now it seems like i'll never make up for the time i lost & time keeps
slipping away from me, faster and faster, and at the end of each day i
haven't done what i wanted to do - and after a year and a half in grad
school, i haven't done anything i'm proud of, and after nearly 30 years
on this planet, i've done nothing but destroy everything i've touched.

i want to go back & be 14 again, and see if maybe this time i can live my
life properly - i feel so old, and i didn't do anything.  and soon i'll be
dead, and i won't have done anything.

and all i can do is keep smiling and pretend to be normal & work all the
time, but then i stop & think about how much i'm not doing, and then
i start thinking about that, and how i'm screwing up my life by not
getting more done, and i get so depressed that i can't do anything, and
then i get even more behind.

and today is my wedding anniversary.  the divorce trial is march 20.  yet
another milestone in the failures of my life.

          -jenny

#256 september 13.

i go to clubs, because i don't want to be alone forever and ever and
ever and ever and ever.  if you can't relate to this feeling, you're
probably lost.

as for getting to know a person's personality before making any judgements,
let me tell you, just you go to a club and try it.  try it.

not that it matters anyway; almost all women who go to the clubs i frequent,
are desirable.  a few are not; but hell, when there are 50 chicks that appeal
to you and 20 that don't, and you know nothing else about them personally,
why the hell not concentrate on one of the 50.

not like it matters anyway, because no matter who i choose, it all
leads to nothing, regardless.  fuckin' depressing, lemme tell ya.

           -xibo

#257 september 14.

>some days you wake up and everything is dull, like you're looking at
>the world with dirty saran wrap over your eyes.

that is the most terrible feeling i have experienced.  wondering if life
will seem real and powerful again.  it gets less and less so as
i age.  i am past my prime in many ways, and must prepare for undeniable
decline.  unfortunately, i have found a drug that makes everything
come back.  the world, my mind come into focus.  everything is clear and
magical as it is in so many pleasant memories.  knowing it can never last.

          -scott hanson		this has been a recording.

#258 september 15.

my mother's friend is on the floor screaming, and her fiance is in a somewhat
compromising position.  he jumps up and says "thanks, pat, for getting her drunk
again!"

now i believe it.  my mother starts crying and whining about this is their last
time, she's going on a slim fast diet, boo boo this, boo boo that, meanwhile,
the fiance is packing his bags saying he doesn't want to deal with the friend
anymoore.

   -malcolm moore

#259 september 16.

so i finally hit the sack...notice that i said hit the sack.  gettin
sleep was an entirely different story.  i started looking back at all
the horrible things and unlove and sadness i've been experiencing, the
fact that i feel like i'm a total failure, there's no light at the end
of the tunnel, i'm not connecting with anybody, damn this bed is hott!
so i stick my cool rod out and continue thinkin...continue beating
myself...so-o much unlove.  so-o much hostility.  so-o much rejection.
and i know there are things about myself i must change.  the thing is
i don't know how.  i don't know how to adapt.  i keep playing snippets
of songs that i know will make me cry in my head, wishing i was
someplace else, doing something else with somebody else.

   -malcolm moore

#260 september 17.

i picture mom and dad and the mortuary attendant, with their mouths open
and smiling.  i imagine circling their tongues with a red crayon, and i
wait to fall asleep.

  -dribble

#261 september 18.

i picture mom and dad and the mortuary attendant, with their mouths open
and smiling.  i imagine circling their tongues with a red crayon, and i
wait to fall asleep.

  -dribble

#262 september 19.

  panic/anxeity attacks are very common. they can come in situations with stress,
but they can also jump out to get you from a clear sky. it starts with a feeling
that something is wrong, like nausea, dizzyness or strange colours. then it hits
you, you suddendly get very afraid and the adrenalin rushes in.  you might throw
up or get an even more distorted sight or start to hyperventilate.  you'll go
weak in your knees and tremble, that's for sure.  if you have an ulcer, it might
start to hurt real bad.
  after some time it passes (perhaps because you've got away from the stuff that
caused it). and you can stumble on, fearing the next one, always checking your
senses to see if you're about to go mad.

          -neugamme

#263 september 20.

  joe was a very funny kid. not only was he fat, and nobody liked him, his
parents had also had a divorce. after the divorce he got afraid of handles. not
that he really was afraid of them, he just wouldn't touch them. every time he
had to open a door or a window he'd pull his hand into his sleeve and open the
door or window with his sleeve between his hand and the handle. some of the
funny guys in the class found out, and started to make fun of him.
  one day our teacher had found him crying outside the school. the funny
sidekicks to the popular guys had probably been giving him an extra hard time.
the teacher told us that joe had some difficulties, and that we should be nice
to him. he told us that joe wasn't afraid of handles, but was afraid that
something horrible would happen if he touched one. he also had to touch other
things a certain number of times for it to "feel right".
  joe didn't come to school for the next days. he didn't come much of the
remaining year, either. and didn't continue in senior high.
  as i understand from a friend of friend who knew his mother he got over it
by watching lots of tv and by drinking many beers.
  later i also got over my neurosis.

   -neugamme

#264 september 21.

  ulcers are common and hurt very much. at times your stomach is burning, and
you cannot find a position where it doesn't hurt. other times you feel very
hungry. the pain can get so intense that you can feel it in your back.
  and you're so afraid that the expensive medicine isn't enough, that they'll
have to operate. and the shitting black blood part is not nice at all either.
alchohol makes it worse, so you'll have more than a hard time if you cannot
sleep either. you'll just lie there wondering if your stomach will burst or
you'll go mad first. you think that it'll be horrible, but at least then you'll
get some help. a man can break his arm and get instant help, but he can go on
being severly depressed and neurotic for 20 years without any help.

  -neugamme

#265 september 22.

  so, what's it like when you start to doubt reality? unpleasant.
you can suddendly get panic attacks which are horrible. then the eerie feeling
that reality doesn't exist, coupled with the inevitable depression.  very
painful. it starts with the feeling that your percepcion and consciousness is
somehow out of tune, like a concussion of the brain. this can last very long,
and in periods of frequent feelings of reality-breakdown you come to distrust
your senses, often checking them to see if they're giving you the right input.
sleep is a big problem, and so are the books of philip k. dick and stanislaw
lem. you begin to fear wittgenstein, and spend long stretches of time watching
your hand, uncertain if it's yours. and who you are that own the hand. am i a
person that can look at a hand, and use it, or is it my hand? what does exist
mean, and do i do it? does the universe exist? alone.

  -neugamme

#266 september 23.

  some nights i would find myself roaming the beaches, digging up baby crabs and
eating handfuls of sand - this was in the middle of the night when the sky was
so clear that i could see the entire solar system and the sand, lit by it,
seemed almost lunar in scale. i even dragged a beached jellyfish back to the
house and microwaved it early one morning, predawn, while evelyn slept, and what
i didn't eat of it i fed to the chow.

  -bret easton ellis, "american psycho"

#267 september 24.

  he sat up and looked out the window.  "i have to leave you.  i want a
divorce," he said.
  "not now," i said.  "we can talk about what's upsetting you when we get
home from the doctor, but i'm really excited about the ultrasound.  aren't
you excited?"

  he looked more sick than excited.  one of my pregnancy books talked about
that, men getting cold feet at the last minute.  it said that almost all
of them turn out to be fine fathers and they just need a little reassurance.

[...]

"i need a divorce.  we should have never gotten married."

i had thought that off and on during the ten years that we'd been married,
but in a strange way it didn't seem important to me.  i had told a younger
friend that week that neither of us had made the best choice, but we'd
simply bonded to each other and now it was our life.

  "it's a bit late for that, after ten years when i'm seven months pregnant,
don't you think?"
  "yes, it is.  i'm sorry.  i should have told you years ago when i first
figured it out."

      -dawn

#268 september 25.

i don't remember what i said, if i had started screaming yet.  he rolled his
eyes and gave me a look of disgust.  "come on.  i have a new apartment, a
new job, a new life.  you ought to learn how to take care of yourself."
i think i started screaming and he left, but all i remember for sure
was running to the bathroom and throwing up.

      -dawn

#269 september 26.

i do want to find a hole to hide in. i'm so sick and tired of my life
and the shape that it's in.. sleeping all the time sounds nice in
comparison. at least dreams are fairly interesting, unlike the same
old life, day after pointless day after pointless day...

some say i'm talented, but i don't see what that gets me. i'm too
insane, and can't conform in the slightest to any expectations of
me. the moment someone expects me to be brilliant, i'll immediately
act dumb. the moment someone expects me to follow the rules, i'll
break them all. the moment someone expects me to achieve in life,
i'll fail miserably.

i wish i could just find a hole to hide, and then have someone
fill it in with dirt.

afterall, it's pretty much pointless, anyway.

even if my life weren't pointless in itself.

damn, i want a .45 so bad.

 -jason downs

#270 september 27.

thus the volunteer minister, in the tradition of this new world religion, is a
leader who brings greater freedom to people so that they may go out and free
others, happier all in their understanding of themselves and life itself, and in
the pleasure and accomplishments of living.

  -from "the volunteer ministers handbook" by elrond hubbard

#271 september 28.

i got a "no" every time i asked.

#272 september 29.

and i asked "can i lose more self-respect?"
and my boss said "see you tomorrow."

#273 september 30.

i stand here with gold in my pockets.
are they unaware of it?
do they think it's shit?
are they complete arseholes?

#274 october 1.

nag nag nag

 -a housewife

#275 october 2.

i've got nothing against life, i just feel that it's a shame that so much of it
is spent in a wake state.

#276 october 3.

everything that doesn't kill you, just makes you weaker.

  -flemming kaspersen

#277 october 4.

you want to climb
but when you try to climb
you see the ladder getting shorter

yo want to drink
but when you try to drink
there's someone pissing in the water

  -chameleons

#278 october 5.

when the world is full of care
and every headline screams despair
when all is rape, starvation, war and life is vile
then there's a certain thing i do
which i shall pass along to you
that's always guaranteed to make me smile

i go loo-oo-oony as a light-bulb battered bug
simply loo-oo-oony, sometimes foam and chew the rug

mister, life is swell
in a padded cell
it'll chase those blues away
you can trade your gloom
for a rubber room
and injections twice a day

 -the joker in "the killing joke" by alan moore and brian bolland, dc comics.

#279 october 6.

ladies and gentlemen! you've read about it in the newspapers! now, shudder as
you observe, before you very eyes, that most rare and tragic of natures
mistakes. i give you...the average man!
physically unremarkable, it has instead a deformed set of values. notice the
hideously bloated sense of humanity's importance. the club-footed social
conscience and the withered optimism. it's certainly not for the squemish is it?
most repulsive of all, are its frail and useless notions of order and sanity. if
too much weight is placed upon them...they snap.
how does it live, i hear you ask? how does this poor, pathetic specimen survive
in today's harsh and irrational world? the sad answer is "not very well."
faced with the inescapable fact that human existence is mad, random and
pointless, one in eight of them crack up and go stark slavering buggo!
who can blame them? in a world as psychotic as this...any other response would
be crazy!

  -the joker in "the killing joke" by alan moore and brian bolland, dc comics.

#280 october 7.

  when i saw what a black, awful joke the world was, i went crazy as a coot!
i admit it! why can't you! i mean, you're not unintelligent! you must see the
reality of the situation.
  do you know how many times we've come close to world war three over a flock of
geese on a computer screen? do you know what triggered the last world war? an
argument over how many telegraph poles germany owed its war debt creditors!
telegraph poles! ha ha ha ha ha!
  it's all a joke! everything anybody ever valued or struggled for... it's all a
monstrous, demented gag! so why can't you see the funny side? why aren't you
laughing?

  -the joker in "the killing joke" by alan moore and brian bolland, dc comics.

#281 october 8.

     naked and alone we come into exile.  in her dark womb we did not know our
mother's face; from the prison of her flesh have we come into the unspeak- able
and incommunicable prison of this earth.
     which of us has known his brother?  which of us has looked into his
father's heart?  which of us has not remained forever prison-pent?  which of us
is not forever a stranger and alone?

     and left alone to sleep in a sheltered room, with the thick sunlight
printed in bars on the floor, unfathomable loneliness and sadness crept through
him:  he saw his life down the solemn vista of a forest aisle, and he knew he
would always be the sad one:  caged in that little round of skull, imprisoned in
that beating and most secret heart, his life must always walk down lonely
passages.  lost.  he understood that men were forever strangers to one another,
that no one ever comes really to know any one, that imprisoned in the dark womb
of our mother, we come to life without having seen her face, that we are given
to her arms a stranger, and that, caught in that insoluble prison of being, we
escape it never, no matter what arms may clasp us, what mouth may kiss us, what
heart may warm us.  never, never, never, never, never.

  -thomas wolfe, "look homeward, angel"

#282 october 9.

somebody shoot me, i'm in hell.

i figured out this feeling... i want to die, but i don't have the guts
to kill myself.

my life is hell, and getting worse. my body hates me. i can't find a
way out. i'm trapped in a desolate nothing. the pain fills my body
and mind.

slowly, everything around me is crumbling. all the anchors of anyone's
life are fading away. and i'm left alone, alone with this beast with
a keyboard and screen, this thing that's eating me alive.

i don't do anything, save for feed the beast. everyday, sending it line
after line of endless code, never quite reaching the end. the beast can
be satisfied, even with my soul.

i served the beast even when i was able to do other things, coming
back to it day after day, providing it's supper. and now i'm trapped,
unable to do anything else, my body failing me, not allowing me to
escape for any amount of time.

escape the beast while you still can, before it wisks you off to hell,
like me.

  -jason downs

#283 october 10.

i have to call her, or decide that i won't, or else the meter will just
continue to roll over as every morning i tell myself "i will call before
i start working", and again lie in bed trying to remember what i would
say, and fall asleep.  to decide that i won't call means admitting
failure, because if i were a suave dude, i'm pretty sure that the effort
involved, which for a suave dude would be minimal, would be a worthwhile
gamble.

"i should call her."

"i should try to do a good job of it.  i don't want to look silly and i
also don't want to have to say afterwards that i just wanted to fail to
get it over with."

"but i'm not in the mood for it."

"maybe i should give up."

   -dr. footwear

#284 october 11.

if she says "fuck off" (or equivalent; i don't think i would care
whether the phrasing was polite or rude), i get freedom, relief,
increased productivity (at least for a while), one more failure, and
increased enthusiasm for hiding under rocks.  and while there's nothing
crazy about hiding under rocks, it tends to drive you crazy[er] -- say,
76% insane, up from 75%.

if she says "okay", i get partial relief (because the second call is
easier than the first) until she eventually says "fuck off"; then i get
complete freedom.  afterwards i'd have an uncertain distribution of
marks between the "failure" and "success" sides, with the "failure" side
almost certainly getting the larger share.  to be unfairly optimistic
about things, though, i'd call the experience a success overall if i
were to have even a single moment when i suspected i was enjoying myself
more than i would have if i had never heard of her.

if she isn't there, then it's like the "fuck off" case, but with no
freedom, no relief, decreased productivity, and no new "failure" mark.

i called.  she wasn't there.

  -dr. footwear

#285 october 12.

so i had a rough day.  i mean a really rough day.  i mean a fall down on
the bed and cry actual tears day.  it was really stupid, too, 'cuz it was
all because of my computer.  i bought a $50 game and a $30 joystick and
the damn joystick wouldn't work and my modem stopped working and it seemed
like everything was going wrong with my home pc and i was going crazy 'cuz
thousands of other people got to enjoy said computer game but me, no, me has
to suffer hundreds in hardware problems and go through hell, just to get
the damn game to run right.  it can't be simple for me, oh no.

  -xibo

#286 october 13.

nothing is ever simple for me, like, for example (surprise!) relationships.
thousands of other guys have no problem, they hit on some babe, whammo, next
thing ya know they're screwin' the chick, and they repeat this thing all
they want, until they find some chick they actually like, aside from the
sex i mean, and they stick with her for a while.

but me?  oh, no.  i don't get anything.  everything's a fuckin' major deal
for me, i have to go through hell to get a girlfriend.

not like i don't deserve it.  i work hard to be a beneficial member of society!
i do my job well, i get paid for it, i come home to a lonely quiet abode,
where the modem doesn't even work anymore.

  -xibo

#287 october 14.

anyway, frarority boys going around in their preppy little
sweatshirts, pke, ake, <some weird letter>x, <some fucked up
letter>ae, e<some stupid ass insanely crooked letter>n, nice brand
there fella!  is that so frarority gurlz know who not to screw?  and
daintly little frarority girls in barbiewear giggling and snorting,
inserting disks backwards and spreading all kinds of computer viruses,
then having the nerve to try and coach me thru the cleaning process
b*tch i've been doing this for 3 years!! i program in c for crying out
loud.  i can write a linked list faster than you can pull down your
pants.  don't try to school me!  tee hee hee, but my boyfriend said
like i give a rat's ass what your man said.  do you want your disk
cleaned or not? oh oh i'm so happy, tee hee, all the guys love me, baw
haw, all the girls love me, we're all so happy, we weren't absent the
day god was teaching macking lessons, women don't like honesty they
like a man who goes out and plays them like 'tendo, is he hott? is he
buffed? does he have those sexy veins in his muscles that stick out?
well he's the man for me, even though even though he has the
personality of toothpaste water, because he didn't miss macking class,
and connecting with people class, and attracting women class get it
together.

  -malcolm moore

#288 october 15.

i'm a very suicidal individual by nature; it's almost like a control game
within my own mind. if i retaine the ability to end my own life, then at
least i have complete control over my life in the end.

recently, i began to develop a serious medical condition. one that if not
treated could be the first sign of an even more serious condition, and which
ocould lead to my death. being unemployeed, i have no money, and certainly
no medical insurance, so i cannot pursue the needed medical tests.

the fact that my life has fallen apart all the way to the point that i could
just simply drop dead has shaken me up a bit. i don't find myself as suicidal,
for reasons that i cannot fully understand.

   -jason downs

#289 october 16.

the older i get, the more convinced i am that my life is being determined
by the trickster of sioux indian lore. so many situations with the same
cycle: apathy -> hope -> excitement -> despair. it seems that every possibly
good situation coming my way collapses as soon as i invest any emotional
energy in it. i see limitless possibilities constantly arising, but as soon
as i reach out to grab ahold of one, it's inexplicably yanked from my grasp.

  -erik radmall

#290 october 17.

the sioux say the trickster is smarter than any human. they say the trickster
can't be defeated by the likes of a mere mortal. but i think that's exactly
my mission in life. to render him irrelevant and unimportant. i bet he's
just laughing as i write this. patiently waiting for the just the right
moment to build up my confidence, to make me feel like i actually have some
control over my life, and then slam me face-first into the asphalt, laughing
all the while. laughing at the petty emotions and the despair and suffering,
laughing at my foolish attempts to control my life, just waiting, picking his
moment. i think he must be a pretty sad god, though. i feel pity for his need
to put people through the wringer, to revel in schadenfreude. i think i
could do a much better job than him.

  -erik radmall

#291 october 18.

low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair ->
low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair ->
low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair ->
low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair ->
low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair ->
low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair ->
low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair ->
low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair ->
low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair ->
low expectation -> something good happens -> renewed hope -> excitement
about the future -> disappointment when nothing happens -> despair

in short: last year sucked.

#292 october 19.

it's called regression to the mean.  if you are so low that you can't go any
lower, there is nowhere to go but up and since you have no expectations,
something good is bound to happen.  why?  is it because this event is truly
good?  i think not.  it's only because anything will seem good to you after not
having anything.  it's more likely that most events in life are just plain,
mundane, boring and completely meaningless but your point of view is what makes
them either good or bad.  okay, so you perceive that something good finally
happens so you begin to salivate, actually believing that this new good thing
will lead to something real.  wrong again.  you know why?  regression to the
mean again.  now you're above that median point and what's going to happen?
there's nowhere to go but down.  and is that because the event is truly bad?
nah, it's average again.  that's all.

so, i guess the solution is to not have any expectations whatsoever,
even keeping that in mind when something good happens.  yeah, what
a boring way to live... *sigh*

   -julie fishtein

#293 october 20.

today i went to a job interview. oh, it wasn't much of a job, just part time
janitor work in university dorms, but it was something. in an area with 11%
unemployment, something is better than nothing. especially when you're up
to your neck in bills, with more on the way.

the interview went very well. i pulled it off as slick as can be; slick willie
himself would've been proud. that ol' vas charm... the interviewer was
impressed. i thought i had the job in the bag.

she called me back at 4:15pm this afternoon. we're sorry, but we've decided
not except your application for employment, she said. i didn't bother asking
for a reason, and just said ok and hung up.

  -jason downs

#294 october 21.

it is a seminal fact of my life that, no matter what i do, i'll never
be good enough for what i want.

i'm not good enough to have a boyfriend. i'm not good enough to have a
real job. i'm not good enough to be published. i'm not good enough to
have a life. so i don't even try anymore.

i've been walking around for a week now with an ache centered between
and just above my collarbones. when i look in the mirror i'm amazed
it's not visible, this lump. i feel it every time i swallow, every
time i start thinking too much, when i lie down to sleep at night and
when i wake up in terror at 4 am for no reason.

  -sine

#295 october 22.

usually if i happen to meet a guy who i find interesting enough nothing happens.
this guy nearly always either has a standard girlfriend or gets interested in a
standard type of girl.  or at least keeps glancing at my standard type female
friend.  don't i have every right to be bitter!

the way i dance in a club looks aggresive, but i also like to sit by a lake by
myself and listen to the sounds of nature.  so what is the problem?  is there a
world somewhere for us non-standard people who'd rather be what we are than try
to please people?  i'm so bitter....

  -tarja oinonen

#296 october 23.

it's raining. oh, what a metaphor.

  -flemming kaspersen

#297 october 24.

q: i'm a failure. will telling about it get me on the alt.angst calendar?

a: only if your failure can make a great number of people think about their own
life and despair.

#298 october 25.

things with the shelter providers were real horrendous, the weather was
horrible, i was sick, all that.  i decided to post it because i felt like
i was faking you guys (not that any of you gives a shit, or that i give a
shit whether you give a shit or not).  i felt that i was faking myself.
it's angst.  deep, near suicidal angst and genuine pain but it's my angst
and my pain and i felt like sharing it with you.  let me tell you, once i
wrote that i felt better.  if i hadn't written what i have written in the
past few weeks, i think i would be dead by now.

  -malcolm moore

#299 october 26.

i'm tired of faking
	like i'm not unhappy
	like i've gotten over it
	like everything's okay
	like i'm not the one who is crazy
	she's gone back and is living happily ever after
	smoking and drinking
	buying nice things
	fucking hundreds of guys
	pretending like i don't exist

#300 october 27.

i'm tired of faking
	like i'll find somebody else
	if i can't get a shameless ho to be with me
	how am i going to attract somebody respectful?
	then i will have to hurt them
	in one way or another
	it can't be prevented
	but i know i won't get anybody
		because i ain't shit
		ain't about shit
		will never be about shit
		the only reason she accepted me was
		because she didn't have a choice
		she never loved me
		she never even liked me
		that's why she won't call, write
#301 october 28.

	she was on a field trip
	but now she's back home with mommy and daddy
	obviously living a wonderful life
	they saved her again
	she ran and didn't look back
	which proves that
		it was never anything in the first place
		no love
		i'll never be loved by anyone
		not by my mother
		not by my dead father
		i'm such a disgrace
		i'm going thru the same shit
		i went thru years ago

#302  october 29.

	i have no real friends
	people in the lab just tolerate me
	john don't like me
	lord knows what his girlfriend thinks
	i see them get all skittish around me
		smiling nervously
		cracking inane jokes
	but they know
	of course, they won't say
	because i'm dangerous
	everybody treats me with kid gloves
	i just want to die
		i just want to go find a rock
		and crawl under it
		and die
	i'll never amount to anything
	i'll never mean anything to anybody
	i'll never attract anybody
	i'll never be successful
	she did a good thing
	leaving me
	she knew

#303 october 30.

	she knew i wouldn't amount to shit
	that's why she left
	she's not crazy for leaving
	i'm the one that's crazy
	crazy for believing i was any different
	and i'm sure she's not going to stop her black fetish
	just give it time for her parents to cool off
	bothering her for being with me
	it was over when she tried to leave
	the first time
	those extra two months weren't even necessary
	i'm having a chest pain now
		good
		maybe i will die in my sleep
		then there won't be as much pain


#304 october 31.
		i'm tired of living
		because i'll never be happy again
		because i'll never find anybody
		because i can't attract anyone
			because i'm ugly
			and stupid
			and slow
			and dumb
			and always in everybody's way
			who wants that?
			who wants a nobody?
			that's what i am
			i can't adapt
			i don't know how
			i'm antisocial
			and rotten
			and intense
			not to mention stupid
			worthless
			boring
			i don't dress right
			i don't act right
			i'm just completely wrong

#305 november 1.

			i don't progress
			my mother was right
			i regress
			i go backward
			i don't even try
			i don't know how
			'just find somebody else'
			everyone says
			but they don't understand
			nobody understands
			i'm a complete failure
			i fail at everything i do
			honeywell is nothing
			cis is nothing
			i've never accomplished anything
		that's why she left
		because she knew these things
		she knew i was a
		go-nowhere
		do-nothing
		she couldn't live off me
		i am such a weak, empty person
		how can i attract anyone?
		i am beneath any respectable woman's sight
		and hoes won't dare touch me
		i'm so hopeless

#306 november 2.
		my mother was right
		i'm a hopeless nobody
		unnecessary
		nobody would give a shit if
		i lived or died
		no one would be at my funeral
			who'd want to come to
			the funeral of a loser
			i've always lost
			i've never experienced true happiness
			last summer in texas was close
			but that will never happen again
			because that's how god planned it
			eternal sorrow
		no one wants to get close to me
		and i'm too scared to introduce myself to anyone
		because i know i'll get rejected
		like i always have been
		rejected
		by everybody
		for one reason or another

#307 november 3.

		rejected
		because i'm un-smart
		and un-funny
		nobody laughs at my jokes
		i feel so stupid
		but she has tons of friends
		and tons of lovers
		because she has what it takes
		obviously
			she's normal
			that's the point
			obtain a clue
			she wasn't born with
			the social defects
			that i was
		she didn't leave because
		she thought i was discontented with her
		it was exactly the opposite
		and now she's living her life
		doing whatever it is that she's doing
		whatever it is that makes her happy
		obviously she couldn't be happy with me
		she wasn't ever happy with me
		it was just a game

#308 november 4.
		that's why she can give up on things
		so easily
		i'm an easy person to give up on
		easy to reject
		easy to make fun of
		because i'm so slow
		and so autistic
		i've managed to lead a normal life
		since this travesty happened
		but what sort of an achievement is that?
		it's not one
		it's just the one step forward
		before the three steps back

#309 november 5.

	i'm sinking
	falling
	not advancing
	retreating
	some dudes enjoy being alone
	i don't
	but i am alone
	and will probably be for the rest of my life
	because no one will want to invest their time in me
	it's a waste
	i'm so helpless
	i don't know where to turn
		nothing feels right
		nothing seems right
		everything around me
		looks foul
		tastes brown
		there is no light
		at the end of the tunnel
		it's an endless loop

#310 november 6.

	i'm so lonely
	and so tired
	tired of faking
	tired of acting like nothing is wrong
	tired of acting like i'm over it
	i thought i was changing
	but people don't change
	i would have never changed
	she knew that
	that's why she's back home
	that's why it was so easy for her
	to lie to me
	because i'm nothing, nobody
	ugly
	worthless
	a disgrace

#311 november 7.

	i don't know how to deal with people
	i don't want to anymore
	i want to go somewhere
	where i won't bother anybody
	cos that's all i do
	is bother people
	hopefully it will happen naturally
	hopefully it will happen soon
because if it doesn't
then maybe i will make it happen
because i am tired of living
and i am tired of hoping
and i am tired
so tired
of faking

 -malcolm moore,

#312 november 8.

school was my real problem, and the original source of angst in my life.
i was the class outcast, the loner, the nerd, the fat boy, the whatever.
they would think up more at the drop of a hat, and proceed to torment me
with whatever new insult that their fertile little minds had come up with.

#313 november 9.

the principal of the school, being the crafty old fart that he was, must've
realized that i liked my punishment, and thus dreamed up something even
more cunning, and placed me back with other kids. of course, he placed
me with the retarded children, and the other overly stupid kids. oh, i
still did work at my own grade level and beyond, but that really wasn't
the point.

realizing that i was managing to enjoy this new assualt on my sanity,
the principal managed to outdo himself, and placed me back in a closet.
this time smaller, and this time in the upper level of the school, away
from everyone. from morning until noon, and from noon until school was
out, i would see and talk to no one at all. and more often than not at
this point, there would be no school work to do, either.

#314 november 10.

this must be my destiny.  i should stop hoping for things to get
better, because obviously i'll be hoping for a long time.

   -malcolm moore

#315 november 11.

5.38p:	i get up and go to use the bathroom.  i can barely manage to
	   sit on the toilet seat, i am so nervous.
5.39p:	the phone rings.  i answer it.  a woman is on the other line.
	   hello? i say.
	hi, malcolm?  hi, this is bernice.  how are you doing?
	i'm okay, i say, if not a bit nervous.  is everything ok?
	we hope so.  can i talk to your mother please?
5.40p:	my mother and patrick walk out of their bedroom.  i hand the
	   phone to her.  she nervously rests the handset on her
	   shoulder and says hello?
	   there is 5 seconds of silence.
	   yes.  is everything okay?
	   i am not looking at her.  i am watching television.  i am
	   gauging the situation on the amount of silence between
	   her speaking.  this particular amount of silence kept
	   growing.
	   finally, she said okay.  the next thing i heard was the
	   phone clatter as it hit the wall.
	   he's gone, she said.
	   i looked at the stereo clock, and beyond it past the
	   balcony, outside to the trees and the swimming pool.
	   the time was 5.41.

   -malcolm moore

#316 november 12.

i curse too much
i am slow
i am dumb
i am uninteresting
i am quite insecure
i often feel- screw it, am very ugly
i am quite miserable
and angry
i am abusive to myself and other people around me
i am shameful
i am a sorry excuse
i am lazy
i have no initiative
i am stuck in pause
i am edgy
and inconsiderate
and moody
quite boring
and dependent
and clueless
often am very rude without realizing it
i am sick
both in the head and in the body

 -malcolm moore,

#317 november 13.

i exhaust all those around me
because no one knows what to do
i am a failure at everything
or at least i feel like one
i scare all those around me
and when i'm not doing that
i am depressing everyone to death

good things about myself:

good things...
...about myself, huh?
...uh...
good things about myself...

 -malcolm moore,

#318 november 14.

wheeee, the "pity fuck".  i don't know for sure if this routine actually
works; i suspect it does on some women, some of the time, though i haven't
really tried it much myself.  the whole getting on knees while in tears
and begging just seemed too, well, weenie-ish to me.

i'd rather go home, hit the lights, and cry under a desk, when no one
can see, y'know?

  -xibo

#319 november 15.

the "volume method" i refer to is where you take the theory that given
an infinite supply of women (most major cities and urban areas) there
exists a set of women who will boink with little/no bother, and it is
a simple matter of going down the line and trying (hitting on) various
women until you find one that'll go for it.

i personally haven't mastered this; four or five rejections in an hour
and i'm feeling like total shit and saying "fuck this, i could be home
playing wing commander" and generally fleeing the undesirable situation.

  -xibo

#320 november 16.

it has been one of the most depressing days in quite a while.

  -jason downs

#321 november 17.

and here i am, one of the people that he's come to with questions for the
last half year while he's trying to learn these things, and i can't even
get a job as a fucking janitor.

  -jason downs

#322 november 18.

     i just got my annual review, today, of my work performance.  the past
two years, it's been okay-to-good.  this time it is distinctly bad.
     my boss is a really decent guy, so i can argue with him about things.
i did just that regarding this situation.  he's had me working for two
different departments for the past nearly-three years, partly due to
circumstances beyond his control.  everyone in charge has ended up, it
seems, being somewhat dissapointed in my performance, and he simply is not
able to accept the entire extent to which this two-department situation
has contributed to my less-than-glowing performance.  it might not have
been glowing even if i'd been able to work for only one department all
this time but it certainly would have been better than it has.  i've been
struggling against feelings of being overwhelmed ever since day one of
this job (nearly three years ago).
     i bid for the job, and took it, because it seemed to be my only
reasonable way out of the dead-end track that i was in at the time.

  -sherlock

#323 november 19.

 he hasn't fired me yet but i'm not one who is brimming with
self-confidence.  i have difficulty working in a hostile environment; let
alone difficulty thriving.
     my boss has been my anchor in the storm and sort of a good-father
figure to me ever since before i took this position.  now i'm feeling
abandoned and very alone.  he wasn't mean to me, simply matter-of-fact.  i
don't know if i can make it now.  i've been very depressed for the past
few weeks, specifically because of this increasingly untenable work
situation.  as of two weeks ago, i'm now on prozac (sp?) --it's the first
time in my life that i've ever been on any antidepressant (it was my
idea).  i feel as though people have been losing faith in me right and
left for the past several months or more.  it's not that people don't feel
concerned --at least some of those do who know to.  it's that the people
who have the most power over my life seem not to believe in me any more.
at this time in my life, i continue to be dependent enough upon the
impression of others so that it is extremely difficult for me to believe
in myself if and when no one else does.
     i don't know about whether i'll survive this ordeal or not.
literally.

  -sherlock

#324 november 20.

life should be fun, it should be an education, each day should be
filled with new experiences -- positive learning experiences.  but  it
ain't.  each sodding day i crawl outta bed and i come to work, i sit
in front of this terminal and i type, or i read some document or
other.  where's the fun in that, huh?  where's the real life
experience?  adulthood sucks, imho.

the average human being has so much potential, so much that he or she
could achieve -- given the chance.  but none of us are given the
chance, are we?  it's just a struggle, against the corporations and
the governments which seek to oppress us and bend us to their will.
no room for growth, for experimentation, just 25 years of fun followed
by another 50 of boring mediocrity.  that's no life, that's nothing to
be proud of -- that's a waste, a fucking waste.

  -graeme hodgson

#325 november 21.

you get on the path of "just waiting to die", like so many "mature adults"
are on.

the worst thing in life is boredom and mediocrity.  when there is no hope
of change, that's when my suicidal tendencies kick in.

  -xibo

#326 november 22.

   recently i woke up and decided that if i lost my job i would kill myself
that day.  walking in front of a moving bus is still my prefered method.

  -david e. lightener

#327 november 23.

   being attracted to a woman always gives rise to very strong emotions in me;
most of them are negative: fear, anger, loneliness, and panic.

  -david e. lightener

#328 november 24.

tomorrow is thanksgiving.

yes, i called the mom-unit and explained that i didn't feel like driving
for six hours after i get off of work tonight, just to have dinner with
my family.  i didn't want to tell her the real reason.  i hate to go home.
every time i go home to my "white, upper-middle-class, house-on-the-hill,
well-educated, successful, *ward and june cleaver*,all american, two-parent,
nuclear-family," everyone argues, just like when we were little kids.  there
are snyde comments, everyone still remembers all the buttons to push on the
others, and of course, everyone has to compare lifestyles, salaries, spouses,
and all that other social-climbing-excrement.

           -alan dye

#329 november 25.

> thanksgiving...

this sucks...i hate it. and i had to go through it this afternoon at the
family feast. both my brothers and their respective wives/pibs showed up
for dinner with me and my parents who are in the same mold as yours seem
to be. so here we are, one brother and wife both in law school, looking quite
the yuppies and all ready the next l.a. law poster couple, another in
med school with his so soon to be a doctor, and then over here we've got
me...the family armadillo, who's older than any of them and still has no clue
as to what fuck i want to do with my life ultimately, except move away from
this area and get into grad school somewhere as far away from dc as possible.

even though i'm dead set against giving in and conforming to the system,
its this concentrated form of lifestyle that makes me feel worthless and like
i'm being a total bum and complete failure. i think its just them....if you
have enough people of a certain social structure/belief system around and
you're the only one not "in", you're bound to feel guilty. i hate being
in family situations. even when they're not saying anything or when they're
being pleasant and really cool, theres just this air of guilt that hangs
overhead and infiltrates me.

  -stephen okay

#330 november 26.

i knew someone who suicided years ago. he was a chemical engineer and
i don't know what he used, but he made it appear to be a heart attack
to everyone else. (he left a secret note to his wife, explaining what
he had **really** done.) he set it up very carefully. he was a vp at a
major corporation and told his co-workers going to a restaurant for
lunch, to go ahead without him; that he would meet them there. of
course, when they came back and found him dead of an apparent heart
attack, his wife was still able to collect on the insurance. this
person never talked about killing himself, lived his life to the
fullest (he was a "hard" liver). he **did** tell me once that he
wasn't afraid of dying and that when he got fed up of it, he would
just end it and it wouldn't be any big deal. at the time, i thought it
was just talk.

 -jack petrilli

#331 november 27.

i wanted so badly to walk up to her, and tell her, "you are beautiful".
but for some reason, i just couldn't do it.

just walk
       walk
         walk
          right up to her, and say, "you are beautiful".  just say
three words.  what is so hard about that?  chances are very low she'd
hit me or something.  why can't i do it?

i wanted to do it, very badly.  but i couldn't do it.  something else,
inside me, was scared, of what i have no idea, even though i have
been analyzing this for years now.  i just couldn't go up to her and
say three words.

i was so pissed off at myself, i was shoving people out of my way left
and right, to get out the door, into my car, and off to home.  home,
where i need not be afraid, no, not afraid.  just alone.

again.

  -xibo

#332 november 28.

i thought i understood real angst after reading those sorry-ass german
pukes' (no slam against the vaterland or its natives intended) definitions
of existence.  have you ever seen a painting of schopenhauer?  what a
dreary looking dude.  no wonder.  anyone thinking up that crap ought to be
glum.  no, my real angst started when i started reading the texts of the
different religions.  at least with existentialism, once you're snuffed,
you're permanently out of the game - no recalls.  but, if any *one* of the
world's major religions is right, this crap just keeps happening and
happening.

  -erik radmall

#333 november 29.

 if you're a christian, you're doomed to hell if you don't accept christ
as your personal "savior." other than that, you're stuck in this permanent
"blissed" out state called "heaven," that would have to get awfully dull.

 if you're buddhist or hindu, you wind up getting recycled for billions of
years until you finally get a clue and realize your true nature, which
once you realize it, you realize you can't remain "blissed" out and you
wind up spinning yourself out all over again into the vicious cycle of
birth and death.

 if you're muslim, you wind up as a virtual slave of allah (although i
realize that sufism is a lot different).  sheesh.  what's up here?  i
mean, will this wretchedness ever cease?  no matter what, you lose.  if
you're snuffed, you lose.  if you're christian and wind up in either
heaven or hell, you lose.  if you're buddhist or hindu and wind up getting
reincarnated, you lose, if you're muslim, you get to sharecrop allah's
domain, so you lose.  if you kill yourself, you lose.  so i guess the only
thing to do is just kind of hang, and pray [sic] that when your number
comes up, it won't be worse than what you have right now.

  -erik radmall

#334 november 30.

  my mouth was dry and tasted of ashes. all hope was gone, abandoned. i had
crossed the threshold of doom.

  -william hjortsberg, "falling angel"

#335 december 1.

  the reality of the situation settled on harry like a heavy, woollen coat. he
was about to kill or be killed, right here in this dog-smelling pit, and there
was nothing he could do that would change that.
  he thought perhaps his life should flash before his eyes or something, but it
did not.  maybe he should try to think of something wonderful, a last fine
thought of what used to be.  first he summoned up the image of his wife.  that
did nothing for him.  though his wife had once been pretty and bright, he could
not remember her that way.  the image that came to mind was quite different.  a
dumpy, lazy woman with constant back pains and her hair pulled up into an
eternal top-knot of greasy, brown hair.  there was never a smile on her face or
a word of encouragement for him.  he always felt that she expected him to
entertain her and that he was not doing a very good job of it.  there was not
even a moment of sexual ecstacy that he could recal.  after their daughter had
been born she had given up screwing as a wasted excercise.  why waste energy on
sex when she could spend it complaining.
  he flipped his mental cardfile to his daughter. what he saw was an ugly,
potato-nosed girl of twelve. she had no personality. her mother was miss
congeniality compared to her. potato-nose spend all her time pining over thin,
blond heartthrobs on television. it wasn't bad enough that they glared at harry
via the tube, they were also pinned to her walls and hiding in magazines she had
cast throughout the house.
  these were the last thoughts of a man about to face death?
  there was just nothing there.

  -joe r. landsdale, "the pit"

#336 december 2.

  his job had sucked. his wife hadn't.
  god, he was beat at every turn. frustrated at every corner. no good thoughts
or beautiful visions before the moment of truth. only blackness, a life of dull,
planned movements as consistent and boring as a bran-concious geriatrics bowel
movement. for a moment he thought he might cry.

  -joe r. landsdale, "the pit"

#337 december 3.

  all she wanted was to be left alone, which didn't seem a lot to ask. she
expected little, and received less, and thanked her gods for what she got.

  it was a dull, grey life, a mutant kind of life, an abortion of a life. but it
was hers, and she accepted it.

  -helen zahavi, "dirty weekend"

#338 december 4.

life's just like death, just not quite as entertaining.

  -steven snedker

#339 december 5.

  my goal is to become a mediocre academic, and then a mediocre worker, without
a shred of joy or enthusiasm. until one day i can't stand it anymore, at which
point i'll promptly go home and watch more television.
  and when the television breaks down i'll watch all my wasted opportunities.

  -flemming kaspersen

#340 december 6.

	we have advanced psychotherapy to roughly the same point that
the rest of medicine had reached in the era of leeches and witch burning.
imagine walking around with a toothache until you died for lack of
20 cents worth of medicine. it looks a lot like that from up here.

	civilization has only reached so far. we've pushed back mother
nature to her last treeless ditch, and we look behind and see the ooze
of our own nature rising over our feet. so long as you are standing
you are safe. drop, and suffer barbarism. be beaten, raped, killed,
and no one can help if you cannot help yourself.

  -michael chase

#341 december 7.

				my life

a hellpit of smiling workers grovels before a green-skinned god,
	seven thousand snot-faced children dash into traffic,
		lost people with empty expressions call me
			to talk about their life,
				as if i care.
				  die now.
				    now.

  -jason corley

#342 december 8.

i have always been here
i have always looked out from behind these eyes
it feels like more than a lifetime
feels like more than a lifetime

sometimes i get tired of the waiting
sometimes i get tired of being in here
is this the way it has always been?
could it ever have been different?

do you ever get tired of the waiting?
do you ever get tired of being in there?
don't worry.  nobody lives forever,
nobody lives forever.

  -pink floyd

#343 december 9.

"when a tree is polled, it will sprout new shoots nearer its roots.  a
soul that is ruined in the bud will frequently return to the
springtime of its beginnings and its promise-filled childhood, as
though it could discover new hopes there and retie the broken threads
of life.  the shoots grow rapidly and eagerly, but it is only a sham
life that will never be a genuine tree."
                hermann hesse, _beneath the wheel_

i first read the above metaphor several years ago, and it has stuck
with me since then.  what i like about it, besides the effective and
appropriate natural image, is the unpopular truth it conveys:
sometimes it really is too late to start over.  sometimes you have to
accept the fact that you won't make as much of your life as you
might have made.

  -paul callahan

#344 december 10.

"on almost any night of the year, soldiers from nearby fort lewis were sneaked
in for clandestine sexual relations with patients..."steilacoom," five separate
individuals would say, "was the whore-house of fort lewis." frances was sud-
denly subject to obscene perversions, raped by orderlies, friends of orderlies,
and other patients hundreds of times.  one of the most vivd recollections of
some veterans of the institution would be the sight of frances farmer being held
down by orderlies and raped by drunken gangs of soldiers."

"... her daily life was taken up with ... backbreaking work like cleaning up
the piles of human waste and vomit that covered the floor after every feeding.
when frances refused to work -- which was often -- her punishment was an ex-
tended series of shock treatments. week after week she was wheeled into the
treatment room and jolted into insensibility, and each time she regained con-
sciousness, she remained what the staff termed "unresponsive." "

[this was before the lobotomy, so she was able to enjoy it all]

dr. freeman lecturing just after giving 13 women lobotomies at steilacoom:
"the patients for whom this operation brings the best results are tortured with
self-concern, who suffer from terribly painful disabling self-consciousness,
whether it expresses itself in pains in the body organs or in terrible distress
from feelings of persecution....in ordinary language, the technique severs the
nerves that deliver emotional power to ideas.  along with a cure comes some loss
in the patient's imaginative power.  but that's what we want to do.  they are
sick in their imaginations.."

  -william arnold, "shadowland" (the story of frances farmer)

#345 december 11.

   if i had done much worse on the exam i probably would have killed myself
then and there.  the reason is that academics is about the only thing i've ever
been good at, and my life is just barely enjoyable as it is.  if i were forced
out of academia, then the struggle which has been my life just wouldn't be
worthwhile anymore.

   being put on a waiting list just typifies my life.  i would not mind dying
tomorrow.  what i fear is living out my life always finding it just barely
tolerable enough to go on, such that in the end i will never have been happy.

#346 december 12.

i have never been able to start a relationship with a woman; sometimes i can
barely tollerate the isolation i've felt all these years. i try to avoid
loneliness with various friendships, but presently i seem to have too few of
these, and feel a great deal of hostility from acquaintances.  and i currently
have no life beyond my academic one; no family life, no romantic life, no
social group.

#347 december 13.

actually, i consider santa claus to be another aspect of the commercialization.
i think i was thirteen before i realized that there were young children who
were actually taught to *believe* in santa, and i still consider this a
cruel, if unintentional, hoax by misguided parents.  what is santa, after all,
but an ersatz christ figure for those unwilling to come to terms with evil and
good, capable at most of acknowledging the "naughty" and the "nice?"  i am
agnostic, i think, but i cannot deny the reality of the subjective religious
experience, and this sense of wonder and yearning has been with me for as long
as i can remember.  santa to me is a sort of mockery, a "safe" substitute for
true religious feeling.  i do not approve.

  -paul callahan

#348 december 14.

"and a very happy national non-denominational gift giving season to you to sir!"

  -stephen okay

#349 december 15.

xmas is a pagan festival hijacked by the cult known as xtianity.

 xmas is basically celebrated by having horrible jingles playing in all the
shops since october, coloured lights put up all over the place, and lots of
cheap korean plastic presents in the shops for everyone to give to each other
("oh!  another pair of socks!  just what i've always wanted...").

 xmas day itself is celebrated by everyone opening all the presents under the
tree with fake smiles and equally fake thank-yous (i *hate* getting cramp in my
smiling muscles...), then overeating at lunchtime on tasteless turkey,
overcooked brussel's sprouts (ugh!  i hate those things), and too much red wine.
strange thing is, most of the adverts on tv are for stomach pain relievers, and
headache tablets.. coincidence?  i don't think so..

     by this time, all the kids below 5 years old are screaming at each other,
the adults are arguing about who's going to wash up the dishes, and all the
children are hiding in their rooms, wishing everyone would shut up.  and the
aged relatives is either pointing out how the world has gone to pieces since
they were young, or discussing their medical problems in deep and nauseating
detail.

  -michael marsden

#350 december 16.

  driving along the highway really made me realize what a mess we are i wish i
had more time to wallow but i have too much meaningless shit to do why do we all
move mindlessly down eternal lanes of tar and think it's normal?
  why do we destroy zillions of tons of natural fucking resources and call it
advertising?
  this society's blindness and lack of any morality/priorities/brain is making
me disgusted and yet it disgusts me even more that i'm part of it and only have
these moments of clarity on rare occasions the thought that the rest of the time
i'm cattle just like them makes me want to do something gross or violent i wish
i were articulate enuf to express myself here too but i'm not so i'll just go
back to my life of normalcy and satisfaction thru acheivements that society
makes me love but that really have absolutely no worth

  -clinty

#351 december 17.

  the typical nervous symptoms are: trembling hands, dry throat, frequent
liquid shits and and a feeling of insecurity. this can go on for years.
sometimes it seems to have passed but just a little stress will make some or all
of the symptoms return. also, some anti-depressants can make you throw up, or
tremble uncontrollably.
    tics are involuntary spasm of the muscles, usually facial muscles.  will
stay with you for a long time.  will perhaps get better, but never go away.

  -neugamme

#352 december 18.

and of course they are probably reading this, but fuck 'em. if they
want to make me "disappear" like they do to people every once in a while,
(sometimes the stress gets to people and they send them to "employee
counseling", which basically means a couple weeks with a company-appointed
headperson and they don't let you back until said hp verifies that you
can "return to the work environment". like in the best soviet hospitals,
most of them don't come back...) so be it. i never fit into their mold,
so i don't see why i should try now...

  -steven okay

#353 december 19.

i find myself in an interesting position, i feel lost from
the rest of society.  having been in a black depression for three
years now, trying to come out of it is killing me.  i feel like
i'm still 18, but without the cock-sureness i had back then.  just
the inexperience and naivity.  all this time life has just passed me
by, and i often wonder if i will regret that for the rest of my life.
i think i will.  but what is important is that i somehow get back on
my feet... if i slip into depression again i may find myself never
coming back.

	i am continually amazed at how easy it is to lose my foothold.
just one bad moment, or one bad day, and i find myself back where i
have always been.

   -michael )the eternally gullible(

#354 december 20.

no, all men are not equal. i'm better than everyone else. but seriously,
while the details of each of our lives may differ, we tend in general to
share the same emotions, hopes, fears and insecurities. now some of us
can live with the fact that we are nothing more than a (relatively) long
biochemical reaction and with the fact that 'we are dust and to dust we
shall return'. some of us don't need to think we're special, that we
have attained some profound truth that sets us apart. some of us need
all this. but in death we're all equal. no special cases, no remissions.
just cold earth and worms.

   -lucifuge

#355 december 21.

   i cry now.  good, thick, heavy tears.  i let them roll
   way down past my nose to my chin and feel them brushed
   away by my shoulder.
   i choke out "god, i wish i was beautiful...".  the words
   "like him" trailing in a whisper to myself.
   i think how i hid my love from everyone even her at first
   i still hide my other feelings but today everyone can
   watch the parade.

   -laposkymatt

#356 december 22.

life is not shit. shit is brown. life is grey.

  -steven snedker

#357 december 23.

	sentenced to life in prison
	cut off from the world
	no one can hear my voice
	the walls are too thick
	i tried once,
	screaming until my voice vanished,
	but that was long ago
	i turned to writing
	slipping notes through the bars
	that time too has passed,
	i know no language others can read
	i simply sit in my cell,
	a soul waiting for death,
	to free me from this body.

#358 december 24.

  this really is the absolute end, the final chilling desolation, in which the
whole majestic sweep of creation becomes extinct. this, ladies and gentelmen is
the proverbial "it"...after this there's noting. void. emptiness.
oblivion. absolute nothing...

  it' marvellous though to see so many of you here tonight - no isn't it
though? yes, absolutely marvellous. because i know that so many of you come here
time and time again, which i think is really wonderful, to come and watch the
final end of everything, and then return home to your own eras...and raise
families, strive for new and better societies, fight terrible wars for what you
know to be right...it really gives one hope for the future of all lifekind.
except of course that we know it hasn't got one...

  -douglas adams, "the restaurant at the end of the universe"

#359 december 25.

  without owning pain and rage, it's difficult to trust someone's sense of what
is good. and it seems to me that a person has a right to own that pain and to
scream as a result of it. and we have to teach that to ourselves, ot our
friends, and, most importantly, our children. when i was a kid i wish someone
had said "you have the right to break any fucking thing around you because of
the suffering you are going through", instead of "shut up!"
  what i would like to say is that i'm dying to see my child  navigate the
waters between the womb and death on her own terms, on life's terms, without her
mother and me burdening her with our sins, the greatest sin being that of
ignorance. because we have not confronted our own conflicts, our own sins, we
will burden our children with what has been going on since time began. that's
what i'm interested in. we made the movie because that's our responsibility to
these children.

  -harvey keitel on "the bad lieutenant"

#360 december 26.

  loneliness is horrible, but then again, so is most company.

#361 december 27.

thinking over the last few new year's, i got angry and depressed. angry
over the fact that i never do anything new year's, depressed cause there
is nobody to do it with.

  -orion

#362 december 28.

as the group starts the countdown to new year's, i sit silently.
when they reach `zero' they all shout. i get up and leave.

i go home, look at the answering machine. the zero stares back at me.
call some friends, no one is at home.

drive to various friend/acquaitance houses. no one is home.
decide to socialize, drive next to the single dance club in the area,
stop my car. i realize if i go in, i am committing myself...
i know people who work there, and they will be amazed if i show up without
somebody dragging me through the door.

i leave.

go home, angrier than i've ever been since i matured enough to realize anger
doesn't solve anything (re:6 years). angry at myself, my situation, my
absolute fear of the opposite sex. (have a couple of relationships
fuck you over lately? yep.)

sit in front of my computer and lurk.

go to sleep.

  -orion.

#363 december 29.

i watched my cousin vinny (which sucked) with my parents until 10:30 pm, then
we watched 1992: year of the farce until 11 pm, when i went to bed.

this year i will be 25.

#364 december 30.

> do you think that you're the only one who's ever been alone? who's ever
> been down? who's ever had a depression new year's?

what difference does that make?

   went to a party. had a pretty girl throw confetti into my
hair. discovered that i was just sitting there, watching the
other guests having fun. left the party to lay on the floor
next to my stereo and hear depressed music. went back just
in time for midnight. left 10 minutes later. watched the
the fireworks for a while (i live on a hill - great view).
saw my favourite german dubbed kung-fu movie for god knows
which time. tried to sleep, but my internal organs wouldn't
let me relax. no proper sleep before 11. same procedure as
last year.

  -jesper lauridsen

#365 december 31.

"son, i just want you to know: life is a black sucking vortex of anguish and
despair, filled with brief moments of false hope and empty joy all the while
dragging you inevitably closer to final, absolute and eternal death."

"thanks, dad..."