Date:         Tue, 24 Dec 96 07:01:09 EST
From: "T R. Young" <34LPF6T@CMUVM.CSV.CMICH.EDU>
Organization: Central Michigan University
Subject:      Humor, such as it is. (fwd)
To: GRADUATE STUDENTS IN SOCIOLOGY <SOCGRAD@CSF.COLORADO.EDU>
Message-Id:   <961224.070244.EST.34LPF6T@CMUVM.CSV.CMICH.EDU>
My nephew, Scott Young, sent this along...thought you would like it
if you've not seen it.                                 TR

Occassionally, attempts at humor come to me via email on an all tooregular
basis.  Some of these are weak, but you may enjoy them anyway.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've
caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook
you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is
that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a
sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives
him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and
shoots himself.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he
shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts
jabbing himself all over - the stomach, the sides, the chest,
everywhere.  There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and asks, "You lunatic, what are you doing!!!???"
The New Yorker says, "So much for your canoe, shmuck!!!"

Some definitions, and other ... stuff (I guess).

 Geek T-shirt Slogans

1)      Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2)      COFFEE.EXE missing - insert cup and press any key
3)      Buy a 166 MHz Pentium so you can reboot faster..
4)      2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5)      Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6)      Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7)      My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8)      C:\WINDOWS    C:\WINDOWS\GO     C:\PC\CRAWL
9)      C:\DOS    C:\DOS\RUN     RUN\DOS\RUN
10)     <------ The information went data way <------
11)     Best file compression around: "DEL" = 100% compression.
12)     The definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in
13)     BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding.
14)     The name is Baud......... James Baud.
15)     BUFFERS=2O FILES=16 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16)     Access denied...        nah nah na nah nah
17)     C:\ Bad command        or filename!  Go stand in the   corner.
18)     Bad command. Bad, bad command.   Sit! Stay! Staaayy..
19)     Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT" command or filename!
20)     As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21)     Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22)     Backups? We don't need no stinking backups.
23)     E Pluribus Modem
24)     ... File Not Found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25)     DEF: Ethernet (n):  Something used to catch the Etherbunny
26)     Mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27)     An error? Impossible!  My modem is error correcting.
28)     CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C.? (Y/N)
29)     Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30)     A computer's attention span is as long an it's power cord.
31)     11th Commandment: Covet not thy neighbor's PowerMac.
32)     24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case... Coincidence?
33)     Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34)     Windows: Just another pain in the glass.
35)     SENILE.COM found ... Out Of Memory. . .
36)     Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
37)     The ultimate office automation:  Networked coffee.
38)     RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.
39)     Shell to DOS ... Come in DOS, do you copy? ... Shell to DOS ...
40)     All computers wait at the same speed.
41)     DEF: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42)     Press <CTRL<ALT<DEL to continue...
43)     Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
44)     Enter any eleven digit prime number to continue...
45)     ASCII a stupid question,  get a stupid ANSI
46)     E-mail returned to sender... insufficient voltage.
47)     Help! I'm modeming --- and I can't hang up!!!
48)     All wiyth. Rhoaritchad mg keytops swound?
49)     Error: Keyboard not attached.  Press Fl to continue.
50)     "640K ought to be enough for anybody" Bill Gates. 1981
51)     DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS.
52)     Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS.
53)     Press any key. .. NO, NO, NO. NOT THAT ONE!
54)     Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
55)     Go ahead, make my data!

These are not really funny, but someone here sent them to me. Ha ha.

50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class

Definitions

>    Dilberted
>  To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences
>of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted
>again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
>
>     Link Rot
>  The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites
>they're connected to change location or die.
>
>     Chip Jewelry
>  A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into
>decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that 386, and now it's
>nothing but chip jewelry."
>
>     Plug-and-Play
>  A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great.
>He's totally plug-and-play."
>
>     World Wide Wait
>  The real meaning of WWW.
>
>     CGI Joe
>  A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma
>of a plastic action figure.
>
>     Dorito Syndrome
>  Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive
>substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing
>the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
>
>     Under Mouse Arrest
>  Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry
>I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
>
>     Glazing
>  Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at
>conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the
>room was glazing by the second session?"
>
>      404
>  Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not
>Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located.
>"Don't bother asking him...he's 404,
>man."
>
>     Dead Tree Edition
>  The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic
>forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
>
>     Egosurfing
>  Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for
>the mention of your name.
>
>     Graybar Land
>  The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing
>something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the
>screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed
>like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
>
>       Open-Collar Workers
>  People who work at home or telecommute.
>
>     Squirt The Bird
>  To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what
>time do we squirt the bird?"
>
>
>     Cobweb Site
>  A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time.  A dead
>web page.
>
>     It's a Feature
>  From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to
>describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
>
>    Keyboard Plaque
>  The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are
>there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard
>plaque."
>
>     Career-Limiting Move (CLM)
>  Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your
>boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
>
>     Elvis Year
>  The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis
>year was 1993."
>
>        Alpha Geek
>  The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or
>work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
>
>      Adminisphere
>  The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and
>file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly
>inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
>designed to solve.
>
>     Tourists
>  People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their
>jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were
>tourists."
>
>     Blowing Your Buffer
>  Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking
>with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so
>astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn,
>I just blew my buffer!"
>
>      Gray Matter
>  Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms
>looking to appear more reputable and established.
>
>     Bookmark
>  To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from
>web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."
>
>     Nyetscape
>  Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.
>
>     Beepilepsy
>  The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off,
>especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial
>expressions, and stopping speech in
>mid-sentence.
>
> Frog + princess = handsome prince. (This is called "fairy tale.")
>Frog + 10 billion years = handsome prince. (This is called "science.") ***