Death and Dying Extropian Style, a call for a rational mourning ritual


On 4/26/93 at 4:50 EST my father's mother, Gertrude Crockett Shapiro,
deanimated after hosting an infection of unknown origin. Prior to her
deanimation, I had been alerted to her "failing" condition. I traveled
to New Hampshire to visit with her. I reached her bedside at
approximately 4:30 PM. She opened her eyes when I entered the room.
She was conscious and attempted to talk but was unable to vocalize.

I held her hand and spoke to her. I told her I was there. That I had
traveled from NYC to be with her. I told her that I loved her. When I
saw that she was spending a great deal of effort to speak, I told her
she didn't need to say anything. I kissed her forehead.

I held her hand for the next twenty minutes. I sat down so her open
eyes could see mine. I looked into her eyes and rubbed her hand. My
sister noticed her breathing was irregular and called over an aide. My
sister, my aunt, and myself all held her hand. She slowly closed her
eyes and her breathing ceased.

At 4:50 PM, a nurse, summoned by the aide, entered the room and as
allowed by New Hampshire law pronounced her "deanimation." She was 88
years and ten months old. She had been declining in health for about
three years. However, the rate of decline had increased in the prior
three months. Only in the last 10 days was her quality of life truly
diminished.  During those 10 days she was in pain for only the last
two during which time she was given morphine .

We remained in the hospital with her body for about an hour. My father
and aunt made arrangements for a ritualistic burial and the nurse
prepared the body for transportation to the hospital morgue. I spent
many moments crying near her body. I touched her still warm flesh and
kissed her forehead. Several times I got up and walked about the room.
I helped my father and aunt with their arrangements. I would then
return to the body and cry. 45 minutes after her death, her flesh was
still warm.  It was hard for me to imagine the physical deterioration
that had, in those 45 minutes, already happened to her brain.

About six PM we called for the hospital staff to remove her from the
room.

During and following my grandmother's death, I was shocked and amused
at the way my relatives attempted to comfort themselves. My mother and
sister "felt" my great-grandmother's "spirit" enter the room and my
grandmother's body. They and my aunt talked about how my grandmother
was now with her sister's and mother. That they would all be shopping
together. I admit it would be comforting if those things had or were
actually happening.

The only few things that comforted me was that 1) my grandmother
didn't experience much pain. 2) that she had made a strong impact in
her community while she lived. 3) that my own potential deanimation
will include preparations for biostasis through cryonics.

We traveled across town to my grandmother's house. We made many calls
to inform friends and relatives of Gertrude's deanimation and of the
funeral arrangements; the burial was planned to occur the next
afternoon following a service at 3:30 PM. After spending a few minutes
at the house we went to the funeral home. Papers were filled out.
Since my grandfather, who died in 1952, at 11 PM and was buried the
next day at 11 AM, my father's mother had always felt not enough
people were able to be notified. To prevent this from occurring for my
grandmother's death, a concern of my Aunt, we quickly turned to
preparing an obituary with the funeral director. With most of the
burial arrangements still uncompleted we left the funeral home so the
director could type and then fax the obituary information to the paper
in time for a 8 PM deadline.

We then when back to my grandmother's house at 106 North Adams St. I
went to a local restaurant to pick up some dinner. My family had often
patronized this establishment . I bought foods both my family and
myself had often eaten and returned with them to N. Adams St. About
8:20 PM we (my Aunt, Father, and myself) returned to Goodwin's funeral
home.  We completed the arrangements which included selecting a
casket. The entire funeral arrangements cost about $5,000. Jewish
tradition requires a plain coffin made entirely of wood. We selected a
slightly less traditional model which had a varnished finish and used
some metal (nails and hinges) in its construction. This model was,
however, less ornate then the traditional orthodox casket. The model
we choose cost $1,650.

With the arrangements complete we went back to North Adams St. The
next morning I went out to buy a few copies of the paper. I was
pleased to see that my grandmother's death was reported on the front
page of the paper. The main obituary, reported on page 15 included a
photograph from the paper's archives and additional information from
past stories on her. They added a lot of material from a 1988
interview. The story of her deanimation was also carried across the
state on radio and on TV.

That morning the entire family was in a lull. Gone was the frenetic
phone calling of the previous night. We simply waited for the funeral.
We arrived at the temple and performed some rituals in the Rabbi's
study, while the mourners arrived. 100's of people showed up and
filled the place. Following the service the police assisted with the
traffic as we made the 15 minute drive to the cemetery. Many of the
mourners did not choose to attend the internment. We left the cemetery
with the casket still above ground as prior cemetery committee
"zoning" requirements at the time of my grandfather death prevented
the casket from being lowered into the ground.

The next three days and evenings were filled with visits from friends
and relatives as my family ritualisticly mourned at my grandmothers
house.  This was a compromise as traditionally this type of mourning
lasts a week.

Over all this was a hard experience for me. First I had to come to
terms with my grandmothers deanimation without biostasis preparations.
I was aghast at how many non-rational thoughts my family was
expressing.  That many of them saw this as a natural processes whose
occurrence could not be delayed or stopped. We don't know if biostasis
will work, given its currently crude state but it still represents a
hope, unlike the false hope that my grandmother is off somewhere
shopping with her sisters and mother.

This experience was a turning point for me as I had to face my own
beliefs. Was I really an Extropian? How rational was I? There was in
truth, very little if any doubt on my part, but the fact of being
faced with such an event and not shuffling my beliefs for the sake of
pure emotional comfort added strength to my convictions.

I write this because I feel that the Extropian movement is in dire
need deanimation rituals. The rituals of our forebears are filled with
non- rational superstitions. Yet they are memetically complex. These
rituals tend to accelerate the actual mourning process. A process I
define as the rational cognition of someone's deanimation. Since many
minds cannot make this cognition quickly and fully without emotional
upheaval, these rituals tend to cloak this rational healthy mourning
process with emotion suppressing non-rational thoughts.

Clearly we need two things. First, we need to find a way of mourning
for those who have deanimated without making biostasis arrangement;
They are truly no longer with us. Mourning, crying and other emotional
processes are a rational reaction to such an event. We also need to do
this in a way which, if we choose, doesn't offend those around us,
which is why I participated in my own families ritualistic burial and
mourning.  We need a fully rational mourning ritual.

Secondly, we need a different ritual for those amongst us who have
deanimated and selected a form of biostasis to attempt to preserve
their consciousness. We clearly need to mourn the fact that in the
best of all worlds, it will be many many years until we converse or
interact with these people again. We should mourn the fact that we
will not be with them for a long time. We also need to keep hope alive
until such point that either they are revived or that science
conclusively proves that reanimation is not possible. At that point,
possibly centuries latter, we will have to mourn their death.

As Extropians we recognize the individuality of each of us. I don't
suggest we need a deanimation ritual that is common to us all. I do
suggest that amongst the effort we make at creating PPL societies and
planning gatherings and conferences that we at least create some
guidelines and a common pool of experience to share our own methods
for a rational healthy mourning of deanimation both with and without
biostasis. This essay is an attempt to start that process.

Harry M. Hawk, formally Harry Alan Benjamin Shapiro

-- 
Harry Shapiro  				      habs@panix.com
List Administrator of the Extropy Institute Mailing List
Private Communication for the Extropian Community since 1991