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                              E S T R A N G E D
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	I don't really expect anyone to read this. I mean, there are over a 
million people on the internet, yet I am quite positive that no one will 
read this. It's kinda like all those e-mags that people put on the net. 
No one reads those. They are so generic and pointless. No one really wants to 
read someone's poetry, short story or CD review.
	This whole thing is not about how nobody reads what's on the net when it
comes to an individuals thoughts, but this whole thing I am writing came to me
at a small pizza parlor. You know, it's weird because most of my most
inspirational or depressing thoughts occur at this small pizza joint. That's
how this whole idea for this file came up, actually. I was so angry and
frustrated tonight. The whole day (July 14th, 1996) I was just having these
thoughts of depression. Not like suicidal thoughts or anything like that, I've
never thought like that. But just like thoughts of loneliness. I have those
frequently you see. It's so frustrating. Today is the last day of the Stampede
in my city. The Stampede is this festival of sorts. It comes once a year.
There are rides and games and shows and over priced food outlets. I have not
gone in six years for financial reasons. But today, I was supposed to go with
a friend from work, we were supposed to go and just drink our faces off (at
$3.95 a glass that is) and just get totally obliterated. This morning, I
called him at 11:10, he was not home, so I left a message on his answering
machine. Well, it's now 8:30 PM and he has not called me. My "friends" do that
to me on a regular basis. Of course, they always have excuses why they did not
call me.
	You see, I'm not your stereo-typical computer user. I am somewhat
attractive to women and I'd like to think I have a life, but I think in
reality I don't, so maybe I'm lying to myself. I've had more "relationships"
on the internet than I have had in real life. My longest lasting relationship
I have had with someone in my immediate life was 2 weeks. Her name was Caryn.
Just an absolute drop dead attractive girl. One problem though, she was a slut
of sorts. I knew this at the time, but just denied it, until one day when I
found out she got drunk at a party and slept with some scumbag. Of course, she
denied it completely, but I found the truth out from a close friend of hers at
the time, so right there it ended after several insults directed toward her.
The girl before her was a girl named Renee. The reason why we broke up was due
to the fact that I had no spine and could not stand up for her when my
"friends" proceeded to cut her down. It was a sad display of cowardice really.
She started crying and I had no idea what to do. Here's a girl bawling her
eyes out and here are my friends laughing at her because she was too
embarrased to sit beside me. Even if Renee and I did last though that night,
we would not have lasted much longer due to the fact that soon after that she
turned into a hardcore neo-nazi. How unfortunate, but I must take some of the
blame for that. I'll explain that later on though.
	So then I got myself involved with the internet. At first, it was
wonderful! Then I started using IRC (Internet Relay Chat). I have developed
more personal and serious friendships on there than I have in real life. My
first internet "girlfriend" was a girl named Katherine. She was a very
fantastic person. She is going to an Ivory League university and has a very
bright future. So anyways, I have no idea how our whole affair first started
out, all I know is that it's over. It was the best though! Two years ago she
came up to see me for the long weekend (I can't remember which one though),
and it was just a rollercoaster ride. The drinking, the sex and the fun we had
was just phenomenal! She was not an overly attractive person, but you see,
that is the beauty of the internet. You can totally get to know someone (if
they're honest) before you see what they look like. And that's what happend
with us. We totally got to know each other and everything seemed to click
except for our politics. I'm a right-winger (extreme at one point) and she is
an extreme left-winger. Her politics disgusted me. They were so unrealistic!
There was a point in my life where my politics were totally unrealistic
aswell, but I've changed that scenario.
	Katherine and I broke up because after she graduated from university, she
plans to teach school in Germany. I must admit, that her plans conflict
harshly with my plans. I live in Canada, and I just love it here. I've been to
America on several occasions, and I just can't stand it. It's so disgusting.
The people I encountered were so rude and ignorant. I've had some American's
ask me if Canadians still live in igloos. How fucking ignorant can you get?
	My next relationship was with a girl in Arizona (Katherine was in
Connecticut). And that did not ammount to anything except for a couple
outrageously high phone bills. Robyn was fantastic though. A smart and
extremely beautiful girl. After her came a girl named Becca. She did not last
long because she was just a stupid and irresponsible girl. She had a little
girl named Amber, her age eludes me right now, but Becca would go out on the
weekend with her friend and beat the hell out of someone and then get
arrested. Poor Amber. Becca is the epitome of pathetic.
	So now I've moved on. I've tried to find someone up here and I have been
_very_ unsucessful in my efforts. So now this girl named Shannon comes along
on my usual hangout channel on IRC and we hit it off so well. We have so much
in common. One problem. I'm in Calgary Alberta, Canada and she is located in
Florida. We definately are not "dating", but we do have very strong emotional
feelings for each other. It's too bad really, I'd like to be with her, but I
know it's impossible. She's so determined to make this work, it's unfortunate
that she does not see the situation as it truely is. I'm here, she's there and
neither of us have the financial resources to make this work, so what's the
point in trying? I have not the faintest clue.
	I've walked through life all alone. I've never had many friends, really.
My personality is really good. I'm very funny and I can make anyone smile. I
take pride in that. Sometimes I wish someone would do the same for me, but
they don't. What's really sad is my phone can stay idle for a week without
ringing. It's very pathetic. Most of my current "friends" are just weary of me
because of my past. I don't blame them really, I really don't. Several years
ago, I was a neo-nazi myself. It's one of those teenage rebellion stages we
all go through. Some turn into gangsters, well I joined the White Supremacst
movement. What a joke. The only thing I got out of it was an arrest and a ton
of hate rock CD's. Which I still collected up until a short while ago. My
total hate rock collect to date is about 112 CD's, records and tapes. That's
a lot of hate. I've distanced myself from those people though. Why live your
life full of hate when it's already full of sorrow and depression?
	Most people my age want a good job and nice house when they grow up. Me,
well, all I want is a nice woman to take care of. I know I'm fully capable of
it, but no woman will give me the chance. I figure I was born in the wrong
country. Most American women think I'm really good looking. The women up here
think the opposite. I'm so frustrated. I just want a girlfriend and then make
my next move in life. And quite frankly, I have no idea what that is going to
be.
	People tell me that she's coming for me. Well I've waited my whole life
for her and she has not made her grand appearance. It's not like I don't get
out or anything like that, I get out quite abit. But I never see anyone around
me who is remotely attracted to me. Yes, I'm shy and I almost never make the
first move because I really don't know how. I don't know how to meet new
people. I don't go to school, I work full time. I interract with people
everyday, but all they do is laugh behind my back. You know what's wrong with
the people these days? They've all gone and thrown their morals away. It's
like they're living by the law of the jungle and not the law of the land. It's
so pathetic. Today's society is so sickening and I'm ashamed to be a part of 
it.
	I don't know. Maybe I'm a loser at life. I have no idea. I have no
direction either. It's so frustrating.


Steve.
ridley@nucleus.com