I give many thanks to all who eventually read this whole thing. Thanks I give also to those who tested this product. (Isn't that the same thing?!) I'd like to thank Jon, Bob, the great fargle jag, and that nice old lady at the hospitol -Trent (twelve-years-old in cosmic time, not to mention today's time) WHAT? This is also Part 1 and it happens to be called What Chapter 1 Before I start, I must warn you, the reader, that there may be some things that may be unclear to you, some things that may be unclear to anybody, and some things that are just plain stupid in this story. I must also warn you that there might be some wrong words and other various mistakes, I'm not a very good editor. If you have any questions, try to inform me and I'll try and get back to you in some way, I promise. There are a certain few chapters in this story that have been edited for parental approval and internet approval, if you would like an unedited version of this story, you're out of luck, I didn't make one, sorry. "What do you think you're doing young man?" hollered the teacher. "Um," thought Jon, "Just putting the finishing touches on my drawing of you, Ms. Kersplat." "Well, let me see it." " Uh, O.K." Jon sat in the back of the class, which was a problem, getting to the front of the class took a long, long time. Why, you may ask? Well I'll tell you. First there was getting past the bully, Butch, who charged you a fee for passing by his desk. (For some odd reason, Ms. Kersplat never noticed this. Rumor has it that Butch is the Kersplat's son, and the ugly Ms. needed money.) Second there was Cindy, who had this odd habit of sticking her leg out in the middle of the rows and giggling. Huh? One of many odd things in life was this: OTHER PEOPLE. (And their spelling of potato(e). The third problem was there were no rows, people had to walk on the desks to the front of the room. "Ouch." "Get off my toe!" yelled an unnamed character "Hehe he!" giggled Cindy "Money, NOW!" demanded Butch. "Get off my books!" yelled yet another unnamed character. "Here you go Ms. Kersplat." One other of the odd things is: TEACHERS (Most of them) "This is very nice Mr. Dough, very nice indeed." Why is it that people have to repeat things? Once you find out, tell me, please. "Why thank you, I always try my hardest." "Nice enough to get you to go to the PRINCIPAL." It seems to me that grown ups like to ignore kids, do you find this to be common too? "I laugh in the face of danger, but the principal is a different story," thought Jon. -For your convenience, I'll keep the chapters short and sweet.- Chapter 2 If the world was run by principals there would be detention instead of jail, that would be great for criminals, but not for the teacher that had to watch them for those hundreds of years. "I think I broke the record," thought Jon, "For getting in trouble the most amount of times." JON'S IMAGINATION AT THIS MOMENT: All together: "Jon's going to die, Jon's going to die, hip hip hurray!" Keeping his head low to the ground, Jon tried not to make that squeaking sound with his shoes while walking to the principal's office. "Ah ha, caught you without a hall pass, for the forty- third time!" shouted the hall monitor. "It appears to me, that Ms. Kersplat didn't give me one," Why is it that if you are the trouble maker of the class, it seems like the teachers always try to get you in more trouble? "But that is no excuse." "Neither is that big zit on your forehead." The hall monitor went screaming down the halls to the boy's bathroom, which seems odd because it was a girl. "Now to the principal, maybe he'll give me a prize." thought Jon. Chapter 3 The long walk to the principals office was, well, long. Another strange thing in life: When ever something bad is happening, time goes in slow motion, almost like it is trying to make you suffer. Squeak, squeak went Jon's shoes as he approached the door leading to the principal's office. The glass window read: Bob, the principal. Ever so slowly he opened the door. "Don't come in!" hollered a strangely gruff principal voice. "But I'm in trouble," hollered Jon. "Well that's a different story." Jon walked in, and, "HOLY..." "Oh drat, you found out about my secret." "Y, yo,you,you're an alien!" shuttered Jon. Did you ever read a story about how this third grade's teacher was an alien? Yeah, I thought it was for third graders also. "Just because I have bright pink skin doesn't mean I'm an alien." Thump.(That was the sound of Jon fainting and falling to the floor head first.) It seems as though not one human can look at me for more than a minute, and still stand, "Thought the principal while putting Jon in a Joyotta. All of this may just fly by your head, but my style of writing is what I call "come again?" get the picture? Chapter 4 Let me tell you about space, IT IS BIG. Some people think that if you shot a bullet in space it would just float out of the gun, wrong, it would blast out of the nozel and fly on on, and on and on, but then would eventually stop because of star dust. Because of this using brakes in space is impossible. CRASH! "Hey, watch where ya' going buster!" belched a large person walking out of a now totaled taxi cab. "Is it that intergalactic taxi cab drivers don't have to obey flight rules?" shouted Bob. "Eh? BURP!!!!" "That is what I thought" Let me tell you this: There is no difference between taxi drivers in space and on Earth. (No offence intended to those who are cab drivers). At that moment a large silver police craft flew in. A pale orange lizard stepped out and zipped. (That's about all pale orange lizards are able to do.) The other two completely disregarded this and kept on fighting. "Yeh, yeh, yeh, sure, sure, I bet Pelvis is still alive," Burbled the taxi cab driver. "Aggghhhhh!" came a pleasingly blood curdling scream from inside Bob's space ship. The lizard went to search the taxi for the creator of the scream. Pale orange lizards are more stupid than a certain one time vice president. "Eh, why ya' searching my car, it was his that the scream came from," drunkly said the cab driver, @#$%, while pointing the lizard in the right direction. (@#$% was the taxi cab driver's name.) *** You might be wondering how these creatures are walking and talking in outer space without space suits. We humans think that space has no air, we are wrong. How, may you ask, do you know this, Almighty One? Well, I'll tell you: When we launched the first space shuttle with a plant on board we didn't realize that we left a hatch open, and the plant fell out somewhere near Mars. That plant turned out to be a tree which gave off oxygen, which finally filled all of space with life giving air, letting anything breath anywhere. *** "ZippzippZ I P P P!" angerly zipped the lizard, who was pointing an ugly nail at Jon. "Uh, let me guess, you're a pale orange lizard with the I.Q. of a piece of bubble gum, and just so happens to be a cop," successfully guessed Jon. "Zup," agreed the lizard. "I have one question, is this a space ship?" questioned Jon. "I have the answer," interupted Bob, "It's yes." "Why am I here?" asked Jon. "I can't answer that," replyed Bob. "Why not? Is it some sacred secret of sacredness?" "No you said you only had one question, and that would make it two questions." "That's completely stupid" "No, just completely practical." "Geeeeeeeeese." Chapter 5 Let's sneak into Bob's space files: Bob Flilpep Born:10/34/303056 Planet:Zebwebmeb Meaning in life:Nothing Bob attended no college at the age of 789.1234, but attended Waxford at age 789.1235. Knowing his life was meaningless he told himself to do research on the meaningless planet of the apes, Earth. We haven't heard from him in a long time, but we're expecting him back from that dull planet any day now. This was stolen from The Business' files. A few crashes later: "So waita minute here..." almost questioned Jon. "O.K., I'll count," interupted Bob. "Geeeese, do you take everything literally in outer space?" "What else is there to do when your life is meaningless?" "WHAT?" "Which part of that did you not understand?" "I didn't get it when you said your life was meaningless." "Well, it is meaningless, nothing to it, not a reason for living." "Of course your life has meaning, you, um, well you know what I mean." "No, I don't." "Well, I mean you're a person..." "Worthless." "You're not Worthless." "No, I'm a Worthless." "Oh, well any way, you're a worthless, yeah, your life doesn't have meaning." "Thanks for agreeing with me." "Aw, shucks... Hey, I got an idea why don't we try to find a meaning for your life." "Sure, I have nothing else to do." They waited 'till the next car crashed into them and left for the nearest planet for a bite to eat. On the planet, Jon bought a book called, "So, you're from Earth and you don't know anything about space," and Bob bought the latest issue of Interstellar Being, it didn't interest him. They went to a place called, "The slaughter house," for a cheese/blood/guts/human eye hamburger, yum are you still hungry? "Yum, are you still hungry?" asked Jon. "Burppppp! No, are you?" Inquired Bob. "No." "How's the book?" Bob had to think of something to say to keep himself from going bonkers from boredom. "It's good, it just told me how to pick up a copy of Interstellar Being if I was under age." "Great." "Isn't it though. Why did you take me with you into outer space." Everybody looked as Jon said this. "Well, I don't know, impulse I guess." "So it wasn't because you thought I was going to be a big problem in your master plan." At this everybody looked at Bob like they wanted to say, "WHAT?" "No," at this everybody sighed in relief, "It was because I needed company on the long flight home Chapter 6 If you didn't notice, I have now given plot to the story, so now you will enjoy it even more than you have. "What planet is it that you come from?" asked Jon. "Zebwebmeb." "What?" "Z e b w e b m e b." "Oh, what? "Zebwebmeb, ZEBWEBMEB, got it?" "No, I don't, but that don't matter." "What?" Let me interupt for a second. If you haven't noticed this either, this is the chapter with the most, "What?" "Never mind." "O.K." In Jon's book it says that saying "what" is a very cool thing to do in space, but Jon hasn't gotten to that chapter yet. Jon and bob left the planet after another burger, Bob let Jon drive, oops. "So how old are you?" questioned Bob. "Thirteen." "Just don't let any cops see you." "Those orange bellied lizards?" "'No, that gorilla that you're about to run over." SPLAT! "Eewwwweeeee." complained Jon. "Turn on the wind shield wipers." "This button?" "Noooooo!" Going light speed is not very enjoyable. It is almost like sticking your whole body in a blender, then trying to put it back together without losing your lunch. "Hey, that's a human eye I just spat up," screamed Jon. "You spit up what you eat." Chapter 7 "What do mean, 'you spit up what you eat?" shouted Jon. "I mean just that." "So, you're saying that I ate a human eye ball?" "Yup." I don't know how to make a throwing up sound in writing, so you have to imagine that because that is what Jon did. "What are those?" "They are most likely somebody you knew's inards." "(That sound again)" "Let me take you to a hospital, you're acting strange." "..." Jon didn't know this, but the nearest hospital was a few light years away, Bob didn't know this either. As a matter of fact nobody knew this because when Jon hit the light speed button, he held it down for to long, causing the car to fly a few trillion light years away. The nearest hospital was run by an elderly lady who was born in one(A hospital.), she loved everybody, even the person who killed her. She is a ghost, but don't tell that to Bob and Jon. "I have an erie feeling about this place, like it is haunted by some overly kind old lady," whispered Jon. "Me too," said Bob. "High there, how are you doing?" "Uh just fine." replied Jon. "No he's not, he's been throwing up all over my car," argued Bob. "Well then, sit on this table and I'll check you out," The lady was pale white, but she seemed to have a lighter tint of white on her decaying hands. "No, it's O.K." "Sit down!" "Uh, oh, I think we're in trouble," whimpered Jon. "Hey, woman, eat this!" said Bob while pulling out a instant-destruckto gun. Chapter 8 Bob pulled the trigger, and, BLAM! "Where is the mess?" asked Jon. "That's the problem with these new guns, no mess." complained Bob "That's to bad." "Yea." "Why did you do that anyway?" "I thought it would be fun." "Hey, you're getting loose!" "I guess I am." "Wow, I just looked around and noticed this place is really neat!" "What?" "This place is really neat," Actually, the place was incredibility stupid, but Jon just wanted something to do. "Sure." "C'mon let's explore!" "Sure." Jon and Bob explored the hospital, which didn't take long because it was only three rooms in size. In the emergency room Jon found a large bag, he opened it. "Holy cow." "What?" "Money!" Bob was there in a flash. He looked at the cash and then screamed, loud, to loud. Somebody heard that scream and flew over. "What was that?" greedily asked Bob. "It sounded like a car door closing." "Somebody is after my money," said Bob while reloading his gun. "Hello? Helllllllo? " said a girls voice. "Uh, oh, it's her," warned Jon. "Who?" "The HALL MONITER." At that moment the hall moniter walked into the room and got her arm blown off. "Oops." "What do you mean 'oops'?" "I was going for her head." "I agree with you." "Hey, I just got my arm blown off," screamed the hall moniter. "Yea, I'm sorry about that, I was going for your head." "Well, I'll be fare and let you shot again." "Thanks." "Let me shot, let me shot," begged Jon "Well, O.K." "Wow." Bob handed the gun to Jon. Jon pointed the gun at the hall moniter and thought, "I can't do this." "Get on with it." "I can't do this," shuttered Jon. "Well, guys, if you aren't going to shoot me, let me see your space passes." BLAM! Chapter 9 "I just killed somebody," Wimpered Jon. "No you didn't, look!" shouted Bob. "Hi there!" yapped a messed up hall moniter. "This is even worse." Chapter 10 "Eeeek!" "What?" "It's that granny I shot!" "Eeeek!" "Let me see you're hall pass." "Shoot me again." "Stop!" shouted Jon, "I can't take it anymore." "What?" said the other three in unison. "Uh, I don't know." "As you say, geeese," blurted Bob. "I never heard him say that," complained the hall moniter. "Of course, I just thought it up, cool ain'it?" "What." "?" "What, is the hip word to say." "Bob, did you know this?" "No." lied Bob. "Sure." "No, really, I didn't know that." "Geeese." "Hey, that is what." agreed the hall moniter. "Waita minute, I've never learned your name," Jon thought out loud. While Jon was saying that, the hall moniter was spreading all over space teens minds by way of telepathy. (Which all "dead" people get.) "Wha, oh, my name is now blab, spelled with no capitols." "What do mean 'now?' " "On Earth I was The Hall Moniter, but in outer space I'm called blab." "Excuse me, I'd like to warn you that a stroke is coming along, a HAPPY stroke." "Aghhhh!" Chapter 11 "I actually wanted to kill somebody." "We all do, all the time. Remember when you got an F in math, I don't, but you probably wanted to kill your teacher, right?" Jon then woke up, it was all a dream, good. "He's awake," shrieked the hall moniter. The hall moniter was blond, she had lived through the blond joke period without going insane. "He's awake." "He's awake." "O.K, O.K, I get it now, I'm awake. Duh." "Do you want to hear the story of how you got here?" asked Bob. "No." At that moment a teen walked into the room and said "Geeeeese. Hey, I have this big headache and nobody is doing anything." "Don't mind him, he's a teen." May I point out that I am a teenager, so it is safe to say things about my breed, do not try this if you are underage. "I knew you wouldn't, nobody ever does," exclaimed Bob, refering to Jon's remark. "Waita minute, did you say 'geeeese'?" "What, I did," said the teen. Thud.(That was the sound of Jon's head hitting the hard bed.) "He's asleep!" "He's asleep!" "He's asleep." "Geeeese." Let me talk to you, the reader, for a second. I just want to say that I hate it in stories and movies when the whole thing was just a dream, but a thing from the dream exists, don't you hate those? I do too. Chapter 12 Wow, that was a lot of confusion, I mean all those people talking there own conversations at one time. I hope you understood all that, it was confusing for me to, but I'm the author, and I should be able to understand all that. I can't. After more confusing conversations somebody finally noticed the teen, that's odd. It was blab, the hall moniter, she noticed him and said, "Hi." That's all, then she started another conversation, this one was about the solar system and how it ties in with the existence of cows. Cows, actually, are very important in the existence of the solar system. If cows didn't exist, we wouldn't exist, this is how: We think that the first animals were some single celled organisms, again we are wrong. The first animals were cows, and they made indian myths, which created us. Later the myths started to tell of the solar system, creating that. Wow, that is a big mistake those scientists made assuming that those amebas were the first animals. After even more conversations, somebody else noticed the teen. This was Jon. "Hi, you look soooooo stressed." The teen replied, "I am." "Want some tylenol?" "What?" "Want some tylenol?" "What?" "Never mind." "Yes." "What?" "I said yes." "What?" "Never mind." What Jon didn't know was that teens run on other people. He will find this out when he becomes one. (Although he is already an official teen, he is not a pure one.) When I say they run on other people, I mean if they don't get something from somebody else, they get really stupid, tired, mean, etc. "What?" might you ask, well I'll say, "Good, you finally speak space lingo." "Stop! This is getting us nowhere!" shouted Bob "Duh," said everybody else, except the teen, Zeeple. Zeeple was his name, it wasn't very good, it meant old cow that eats planets. "Duh," lately said Zeeple. "Jon and I have a life to find," shouted Bob, but a little louder. "And the meaning of what," added Jon. "What?" asked blab. "Yup." "Geeeese." "Hey," blurted Jon, "Can I have that copyrighted?" "No." "Darn." That went on for awhile, but evolved into a talk about cows. After leaving the hospital with blab and Zeeple, they forgot the old lady, Jon looked up the meaning of what in a dictionary he found floating in space. It read: "What(how it looks) 1. a hip word 2. the state of being what, you are so what. 3. I don't know, why don't you add a plot to the what story you're writing and make it to find the meaning of what." "This is a bad dictionary," complained Jon. "They all are," replied Bob. "Space doesn't have a good reputation for good books, the best are the ones in the "What" series by Trent Boeschen. "I never heard of those," remarked Jon. "I know, he writes them in the future." "How do you know this?" "Time travel." "What?" "This button," at that moment blab pushed the button that said don't push this button-The button said that because the makers didn't want the owner to know what it did-and the they were thirty years in the future. "Let's find the nearest book store." "What just happened?" squeaked Jon. "We traveled through time." "Oh." "I think I see a book store," shouted Zeeple. "Let's go!" shouted everybody at different times. Chapter 13(I happen to like this number.) This was written November 13, Friday. The book store was like a, um, a, well, it was like a big book store, which it was. The problem was that nothing was organized, when you thought you where in the nature section, you found a book about bombs and other strange things. Luckly, there was one section that was organized, the Trent Boeschen section, it wasn't very big, just a few books about What. There was a big screen LDTV(Laser Disk TV) on the top of the shelf. It was showing the animated series of What, they weren't very good, he had paid somebody from the planet Earth to do them. Earth artists thought they were good, that's another mistake by Earthlings. The drawings stank, compared to Thrat, the greatest artist in the known universe, Earth art was a pile of lost socks. The gang went over to the Trent area and picked up a thick book with all the What series in it. They had a hard time picking it up though, not because it was heavy, which it wasn't, it was because glued to the shelf. They ripped the book of the shelf and took it to the cash register. "Hey, you ripped this off," zipped the lizard at the desk. "We had to," replied Jon. "Oh." The lizard took the book and rang up the price. 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.99(no tax) The group talked to each other about this price and came up with this. "I have the money in the car, let me take the book with me to remember the price," said Bob. "OK." The whole group ran out of the store and got in the car. After starting up the engines, blab noticed that they hadn't taken the book with them, but luckily the lizard walked out with the book and gave it to them. "You forgot this." "Thanks," yelled Bob over the hum of the motor. "Can I have the money?" "No." "OK." Chapter 15 Jon skimed the book, it took him about two hours, but that was nothing because blab spent two hours pressing the button to find the time they left from. "Good book." "What," said, not asked, blab. "Good book." "Yea, I said What." "Geeeese." The book was really good, according to the family of the author, but aren't they supposed to think it's good? Let's get into the history of the title: One day on a rocky private beach in Tahoe two boys were talking: "You know, a good title of a book would be What." "What?" "Exactly." "Huh?" "I mean the title would be What." "Yea that would be good." "Just think, if it got on the top, the people would say, "And the top book is what." "Yea and the other guy would say, 'That's what the people want to know." And that went on for awhile, but got into a conversation about cows. Cows, actually, aren't the most important things in existence, lizards are. They are stupid and let people have things for free. If we didn't have lizards, we would live in a stupidity free Vice President free area. Lizards are the base of stupidity, they created the idea of Vice President, who created stupid birds called quales, who became Vice Presidents. Chapter 14 Oops. Chapter 16 The book was about a group of people finding things, life, what, cars, space burgers. This reminded Jon about he and Bob's search for the meaning of Bob's life. That didn't matter, he had to find the meaning of what. "Bob have you found the meaning of you're life?" questioned Jon. "Yea." "What is it?" "To have fun!" "What? Arrghhh, I wish I knew the meaning of that word." That went on into a talk about cows. Many people have their own idea about the greatest thing in existence, blab's is talking, Zeeple's is the new zit removal machine, Jon's is, well, nobody knows that, Bob's is fun. A thought struck the car, it wasn't able to go through the window and strike Jon. Jon thought this: If I went around asking kids what they thought what meant, I would get the answer. Jon was wrong, asking kids would just confuse him. Nobody knows the meaning of what. Jon wanted to go to an arcade to ask kids and see what space games are like. "Let's go to an arcade." said blab. "I was going to say that." "That's nice. C'mon, let's go." screeched blab. "OK." They went to the nearest arcade, it was horrible. All the games had a selection of characters to chose from, and all they did was fight. "Wow, the cool games in space are just like all the games on Earth, but worse," Complained Jon. "Let me tell you, everything in space is worse than on Earth," advised blab. "Space isn't as great as I thought it was." "Ditto." According to everybody who's been to space says that it is bad. This is because there is no Japan in space, nobody thought of it, it seems like a simple idea, but nobody ever thought of it. "If space had a Japan..." said Jon. Boom, Japan was made at that moment, making everything better. At the moment that that happened, Jon was playing a game. "Wow, this game just got really cool." This happened because somebody had heard him, gone back in time, and made Japan. The idea of this came to Jon as a load of stinky diapers. Chapter 17 "That's a lode of stinky diapers," yelled Jon. "But it's true," said Blab. Zeeple is gone for a while because he thought a different group was the one he was with and got in their car and got flown to Earth. Don't you hate it when you think that somebody else is the person you're with, and you do something stupid? I love it, it makes me want to just fall over laughing. It took a while before Jon finally got how it worked. Not exactically a while, but about two hours because he had to have some things that he didn't understand explained to him, like how cows are the most important things. Space is confusing, so many different directions, and nobody knows which way is north. This is a problem because when somebody asks for directions to an area, if the person says north, the other person might think that north was another way. The problem is that if the person points in the direction, the driver might look down at something, then lose all sense of direction. This happened to "The Gang" after they left the arcade. "Which way to The Place That Knows The Meaning Of Everything?" Asked blab.(Bob is a man, do you expect him to ask for directions?) "North." said a large lizard. The lizard is a common creature in space, like on Earth, the humans are the most common creature. "Thanks." thank you'd blab. After that the group headed in what was the lizards west, but the lizard had gotten his directions mixed up and the group went in the right direction. "The Place" was supposed to know the definition of every word, it didn't know one word... "What?" asked a skinny, green lizard. "Exactically." "Exactically means perfect or right on the button, in lizard it means to eat your older sibling that has a toy you want." recited the lizard. "No, I want the definition of the word what." "Don't know that one, nobody does." After that, the place was called "The Place That Knows The Definition Of Everything, Except For What." This got everybody confused, confusion lead to a riot, and lead to the explosion of a whole galaxy, in a place far, far away. When Japan existed, everybody lost their jobs, so, somebody blew Japan up. The explosion was big, to big. It Destroyed five other galaxies, Jon, blab and Bob were in one of those at the time. They happened to be there because they were heading for Japan. Why would anybody want to go to Japan? I ask you. Well, Jon thought that if they manufactured things made in America, they manufacture dictionaries, which hold the meanings of what. "What?" screamed Jon. Chapter 18 "What do you mean we're dead?" argued Jon. "Well, I mean you're dead, kicked the bucket, jumped off the cleepeketh, you know, dead." stated another version of god. This god was a rebel, he wore leather, hang out with the bad godly creatures, all that ungodly stuff. "How?" "Somebody blew up Japan, you were caught in the explosion." "Geeeese." "I got it! You give me something, I let you live." "What do you want?" "You're car." "Oh, that's OK it's not mine, you can have it." "Hey!" shouted Bob. "Don't worry, I got it covered." Before Jon could say any more they were in a place that seemed to have been bombed. It wasn't as bad as most people would think, just a few little pieces of planets floating around. "You people don't belong here," said a cop that was eating what appeared to be a doughnut. "What?" "Don't be smart with me young man, I know you're lingo, you hip cat." The officer wasn't a lizard, this one was a snake, a snake trapped in the sixtees. "Shut up, I need to talk to my friends." "Hey, you can't talk to me that way." Jon turned from the snake and faced Bob, with a puzzled look, "What do we do?" "I don't know, what do you think blab." "I think we run." "OK" So the group ran from the cop and headed to the nearest whole planet, which wasn't very far. Actually, the nearest planet was very far, but the nearest car shop wasn't, and that is what the group needed, a car. "Oh blonglabs." "Don't speak like that, but what?" consernly spoke blab. "I left my wallet in my car." "Good one." At that moment there was a god having a good time with Bob's money and credit cards. The problem with this is that Bob can't get to a phone to cancel his credit card, even if he could, they don't have any money to pay for the call. As the group approached the car shop they discused the problem. "Why don't we just test drive it for a long while?" blab suggested. "OK, that works, then we can return it," said Jon. "What?! Are you stupid? We won't have to return it, that's a lizard in there." yelled Bob. "Geeeese." In fact, the lizard was intelligent, but it didn't realize it, so it thought that it was stupid. Don't ask me how this could possibly be, it was just like that. The group walked into the car shop, it was called, "The Car Shope, No Waita Minute, It's 'The Car Shop' " It was run by a lizard. Inside was a lot of shelves with different cars on them, the group walked up to a red one, blab liked red, and picked it up, space has no gravity. "We'd like to test drive this one." "Uh?" "We're going to take this one for free." "OK." Chapter 19 What is the point of all this? thought Jon. There was no point in all this, but Jon, or anybody else know that. There was no point in anything, until the Super Pig comic came out thirty years from now. Super Pig was a character thought up by Trent Boeschen, but when he put his idea in the school newspaper, an artist from another, more powerful newspaper stole it, Trent was made 99.9 BILLION dollars less rich. He got mad, and wrote a book about how much he hates it when you think of something and somebody able to get money off it steals it. Super Pig was made in the future, but somebody brought tons of copies into the past to sell more. The comic was doing good in the comic selling list, but it started to drop and lose money for the company. One day, somebody from that company was reading an old comic about the death of a hero, who, they thought was invincible, except to certain stone, but I won't mention names, and said that the company should do what that other company did, and kill their once thought all powerful character. Jon and the rest of the people happened to end up in a comic book store, and Jon noticed the comic with the cover that said "The true death of SUPER PIG!" Jon noticed this because he went to the school that had that comic. "HOLY COW!" "What?" asked Bob "Yea, I just realized that I read a school newspaper that had a comic strip written by Trent Boeschen." "Wow." "But, this comic says it's by Clapslyt Dtinth." "That's because it's written by him." "But it was written by Trent in my school, that means that somebody most of stolen the idea from him." "Gosh." "It must of been somebody from that newspaper with a two letter nickname, I heard that they didn't like my school very much." That went into a conversation about cows. Eventually, Jon tried to by the comic, but didn't have any money, so he told that to the person at the desk. "I understand," said the blue human, "we all need a copy of the death of Super Pig." "Thanks." "Just take it and run before I get out my gun." At that Jon ran. Chapter 20 Super Pig was an important part of every little boy's life, like those green reptiles that are a important part of every boy's life now. Super Pig had every thing, except a weakness, he couldn't die, that is something what the person who stole the idea forgot to find out. When a pig doesn't have a weakness, that is when people draw the line. The character, "Super Pig," was to well known, everywhere. Every time you turned you saw Super Pig, in kids hair, the cartoon, they even went past the limits and made Super Pig underwear. Super Pig became real in all kids minds, over two thousand kids died because they thought they could fly like Super Pig. This didn't stop anybody, they made him get violent, he ate food, only chewing once, he went to zoos, and fed the animals. After the first ten years of Super Pig, it became stupid. "This is stupid," complained Jon. "That's space for you," said blab. "Is everything in space this bad?" "I already told you, yes." At that moment they were trying to find a parking spot on a planet. This planet sold mainly those little dice people put on their rear-view mirror. They didn't get many sales. "I'd like to by the fuzziest dice you have." Only desperate people shopped there. "Pink please." Only insane people shopped here. "Thank you." Only Bob shopped here. Bob is a nuts over dice, really fuzzy ones. Dice are something nobody needs, but everybody has. The reason everybody has dice is this: If we didn't have dice, what else would we hang on our rear-view mirrors? People are crazy about useless stuff, like books with really what titles, and pictures. Why do we want such things? This is why: There is a section in our brain that requires things like pictures, especially mothers. When the brain doesn't get such things, it goes crazy, and writes books, this is why there are so many books. Part 2! You've made it this far with out falling asleep (That's not the name of part two.) Why? Chapter 21 "Why is this all happening to me?" said Jon. "That's life, you never know why anything is happening," remarked blab. That is true, you never know why anything is ever happening. This is because there is no meaning to anything, just try and think of one possible reason, see, you can't think of one. Nothing really has any reason, except for fun. Fun. Wow, fun is, well, fun, we can't live without fun. "Why?" "I dunno." There is an ultimate question, I don't know what it is, and nobody else does. There is an ultimate joke, I don't know what it is, and nobody else does. There is an ultimate author, I know, but I won't say, or else you'll think I'm conceited. (Just kidding.) The ultimate question must be in the area of, "What is the meaning of life?" if so, I know the answer, it is why, yes, why. This is because WHY do you need to know? "I got an idea, let's go to my home planet!" excitedly shouted Bob. "You mean Deadheadland." "No, Zebwebmeb." "Oh, yea." Getting to Bob's planet was easy, all he had to do was fly 23 light years. (That's the planet their flying over.) "Wow, we happen to be flying over it right now, what a coincidence," hinted Bob. "Geeeese." Everything is a coincidence, it's just that some things seem a little more coincidental. How? You want a CD, but need a ride, you ask somebody who can drive, and they might take you, pure coincidence. If they don't take you, pure coincidence. The group landed on the planet, on Bob's house. "Oh, geeeese, look what I done!" cried Bob "You stupid idiot, you just landed on somebody's house!" yelled Jon "Duh, I realized that, and it is, er, was my house!" "Ha, ha." "And you were going to stay there!" "Geeeese. How could you do this?" This was usual for Bob, just he didn't remember it because of his depressed era. Some fictional character characters are so stupid! Chapter 22 Bob's house was odd, it was only 99 stories high, but each story had only one room on it, and the stairs took up most of the space. But that's to bad, because that was Bob's house, it isn't very worthy of being called a house, maybe a room, but not a house. "This is great." "Why?" "I was being sarcastic." "Why?" "I was angry." Why do people be sarcastic in horrible situations such as our heros? Let me tell you this: Humans aren't the most understandable creatures. The most understandable creatures aren't in this universe, they don't exist, you might think that you are understandable, you aren't, it might be something small, like how you talk. What to do in a situation such as Jon's: Scream. What else is there to do, nothing. Just think, if you were taken into outer space, put through strange predicaments, and have no place to sleep. Scream. "Aggggggghhhhhhhh!" screamed Jon. They could sleep in a hotel, but there aren't any on Zebwebmeb. "Why don't we leave this planet?" suggested blab. "We can't, our pretty red car was killed by my house." "You should've had a sign on your house that said BEWARE OF HOUSE," stupidly remarked Jon. "That's stupid," said blab. "Thank you." Jon does have a family, so let's check in on them for a few chapters. Chapter 23 "Honey, where's Jon?" asked Jon's mother. "I don't know, didn't he come home from school?" asked Jon's dad in return. This is odd that Jon's parents were worrying so soon, it was only three o'clock, and Jon wasn't expected till four. "No, he didn't, and he said that he was going to come home early." Oh. "Just forget about it, he'll come home soon." That was something that George, Jon's dad, made a mistake in saying. Most likely Jon would not be coming home. That night the two parents were watching TV. "And later that day at twelve o'clock, a flying craft was seen leaving the school from the principals office, where Jon Dough-spelled Dough, not Doe-had been last. Alien, or just drug overdosage, see almost solved mysteries for the answer," said the TV. "Oh dear," cried Martha, Jon's mother. "What's wrong, we've lost Jon, that's good." "Oh, I never thought of that." They then threw a party, it stank. It stank because they didn't know anybody. They didn't know anybody because nobody liked Jon because they didn't like him, nobody did, it was just the way he was. "I bet my parents are throwing a party," thought Jon. I bet Jon thinks that we are probably throwing a party," thought Martha. Martha and George then went to talk to people they didn't know. "The weather is horrible," said the person George didn't know. "It sure is," responded George. "The weather is great," said the person Martha didn't know. "It sure is," responded Martha. The weather was horrible, it was smoggy, foggy, and the air was stale, one of Whatever the Name of This Town Is' best days. The party got worse just then. Somebody fell off the deck. "Ooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwe!" "What was that?!" screamed Martha. "Oh, Ben just fell off the roof," said somebody the two parents didn't know. "Who is Ben?" "You don't know him." "Arrrrrggggghhhhh!" "What?" "We don't know anybody at our own party!" "Forget about that, we have to save Bob, er, Ben." Martha then ran out the door screaming about how having a child was a big mistake. She ran all the way to the grocery store, she needed to pick up some eggs, they were out. After doing that she ran as far as she could. "Whoa, what a bummer," said a man in his fifties. "I didn't like her anyways," commented George. Chapter 24 Martha came to a gas station, it was fairly dirty, it was called Slob's Garage. HELPFUL HINT IN LIFE: Don't get to acquainted with places with names that sound like how a toilet can be. "This looks like a good gas station," thought Martha. "This place looks like a dump," thought the real Martha. It was a dump, a few dead bodies here and there, a leaking pump, and a cloud of cigaret smoke in the "snack spot." "What can I get cha'?" spoke a large, well, slob. "A life." "Sorry, don't sell those." "Geese. No body sells life's, you can't, you're usually born with it." "Then why did you want to by it from me?" Martha then left, she had a good reason, the smoke was getting to her eyes. She ran on, but had to stop because she bumped into a space ship. "Oh boy," she whispered. The door of the space ship opened, and four aliens that looked like a drugged till death "rock" star came out. They stood at about three feet high, but there fat hang out about four feet. "Uh Huh, you ain't nothing but a hound dog," rudely sang one of the Elvis''. "Pardon me?" "You are nasty looking, you let your hair grow long and you got no side burns." "Well then, I'm not going to let you abduct me, I was thinking about it, but since you're so rood, I won't." "To bad, uh huh," uh huhed one of the Elvis''. "Oh dear." The aliens took Martha into their space ship. The space ship was filled with different drugs, most of them not necessary for survival. Also in the space ship were many sequin jumpsuits, all of them made for somebody fat. The ship was seen by one person besides Martha, but there video camera was meant for taking bad pictures of the lockness monster, not space ships, so nobody believed that it was a space ship on the video. After some drugs were used, the ship lifted off into space, to the planet of the dead stars. Chapter 25 The Elvis' sang all the way to the planet, the music was horrible, their voices were horrible, the ride was good. The ride was good because the the space ship was a new Joyota, the best brand in the known universe. The reason the Elvis' had such a good car was because they stole it. "Wow, this is a nifty space ship," said Martha. "I know, stole it myself, uh huh, that is what I did," spoke one of the Elvis'. "Shame on you." The Elvis' went back to singing, it was a song about a jail, and how the people in it liked to "rock." Martha's ears were pleased when the singing came to a stop, but not for long, the singing started again, this time it was even worse. "STOP IT!!!!!!" shreaked Martha. "You insultin' our singing?" "Uh huh, look, you got me doing it too." "I say we leave her on this astroid that's comin' up." "I say we teach her to sing like us." If I were one of those Elvis' I would want to take Martha to my planet and let her see what happens to people who don't like the "King," but I'm not the "King," so I don't have to worry about it. Why would anybody want somebody drugged as the"King" as their king? I wouldn't. I'm glad I wasn't alive when the king was on the throne. I can't stand Elvis, I couldn't stand Elvis, I never will be able to stand Elvis. Some people liked the king, so I won't make any more comments. "I hated the king," thought Martha. The three people in Martha's subconscious: "I kinda liked him." "I liked him a lot." "I hated him, so will you to be quiet and let me listen to the Monkeys, they're on the radio right now." "I like the Monkeys," thought Martha. Those three nuts: "I love the Monkeys." "They are the best." "Now you guys see it our way." The ship finally arrived at the planet of the dead stars, Martha was sent to the nearest planet when somebody heard that she liked the Monkeys. Wow, what a surprise, Zebwebmeb was the nearest planet, isn't that just amazing? Chapter 26 Well, back to Jon and the group. "I have a feeling that my mom is in big trouble," stated Jon. "Why do you feel that?" asked blab. "Cause she's over there trying to by a newspaper with American currency," remarked Jon. "Woa. That's worse than having your mom come to school," commented blab. "Yea." "JON!" "Great, she noticed me." Martha walked over to Jon and hugged him. Jon felt the ultimate imbarasment. He, amazingly, is the only one whose felt the ultimate imbarasment. The ultimate imbarasment is when your face turns so red you feel like somebody stuck a grenade in you mouth with the fuse started. "Jon, who are these people?" asked Martha. "Well, that is Bob, a Worthless, and that is blab, a hall moniter from Earth." "blab, the hall moniter from Earth, sounds like a horror movie." "I think it is," stated blab. "Wow. Hey, to get off the subject, did you know they don't except American dollars?" "No, I did not know that," spoke Bob for the first time in this chapter. "Mom, we haven't been able to buy anything on this planet, we don't have any money, or a car, or a place to stay," said none other than Jon. Now the gang is in deeper trouble, they still don't have any money, and they now have a mom watching over their shoulders. "Mom, can you survive on your own?" asked Jon. "OK." That was true, she would later get a job as a mom for a family of little pink children, all of which were named Bob. Chapter 27 Let me tell you about why people only take bad pictures of aliens. Just think, if somebody took a good picture of an alien space ship, and turned it into some place that will look at it and confirm it is a picture of U.F.O. Eventually someone will look at it with close attention and find new technology, build a super space ship, and our planet will be in the huge space war, whatever that is. If all that were to happen, which it probably wouldn't, our whole planet will probably be blown up. You don't want that, do you? Back to the story. "What are we supposed to do now?" asked Jon. "Steal that car," whispered blab. "Steal?!" yelled Jon. Everyone around, which was a family of pink people called Bob, looked at them, as if to say, "Shame," and then click their tunge like people some times do. "Oh, just tell the whole planet why don't you." "Well, I not going to steal a car." "I hear you have car problems," said a man who had overheard the conversation. "Yea, we don't have one," stated Bob. "I'll give ya one, for a price." "What's the price?" "Um, let's see, I got it! You give me one of your fingernail clippings." "What?" Screamed Jon. "Fingernail clippings." "O.K." Jon gave the man one of his fingernail clippings for a blue BMW type car. The gang then left the planet, they were all very satisfied with the trade, except Jon, whom liked that fingernail very much. Chapter 28 They flew for a few hours, not knowing where they were going, suddenly Jon shouted, "Aghhhhhhhhhh!" At the sound of that great yell Bob crashed, again. Bob was very good at crashing, he did it all the time, it was sort of a hobby. "That was a very good crash," noticed Jon. "Why thank you, I take care in my crashes," proclaimed Bob. While Bob and Jon chatted about the crash, blab noticed the surroundings: Strange one eyed, blue-green, three legged creatures roamed the red water lake covered by the black grass that covered planet. Occasionally, a hill would explode, that happened for no apparent reason, may be because it just wanted to. At one momment a creature stumbled over to the ship, but a hill exploded and the creature was gone. "Um, guys, I think we're in big trouble now," half whispered blab. "What do you mean?" asked Bob. "Look outside." "Oh boy." "What is the matter, you act as if we are on the type of planet where if you crash, you are stuck because the aliens are missing some of their brain," correctly stated Jon. Will our heroes get off the planet? Are they destined to certain doom? Tune in next chapter, same bat book, next bat page. Chapter 29 The amazing trio stepped out of the car and on to the planet, but unfortunately the hill they were standing on exploded, they died, again. As you will find out in later chapters of this very book! "Welcome to heck!" shouted a funny voice. "Oh dear," whimpered Bob. "Yeah, so this is heck," said Jon. Heck is bad, well, of course it is, it's heck. But this is worse than ours, it's a life of soap opera, not just shows, but the full thing, I mean living it. Let's now take a momment to thank who ever's fault it is for sending us here instead of there. That was great, but now back to heck, that sounds like life. (But only sometimes.). "Oh my jumping cheese blenders! We are in a true heck, this is exactly what I thought heck would be like," shreaked blab. "That is the point dear," laughed the voice. "Who are you?" yelled Jon. "I'm your worst nightmare." "You can't be CNN." "Oh yes, and I'm also all those other stupid channels you get with cable. "GET ME OUTA HERE!!!!!" said Jon as he pounded on Bob, who was caused pain by that. "I like those channels." "I'm also your worst nightmare." "NOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo." "Ha ha ha." "You low down slimy pigheaded piece of scrap lead," uttered blab. "Why thank you, I take pride in my work." "Geeeeese." (Guess who.) "Wha????? I didn't do nothin' except my job," spoke the devil. "Ha!" "Can you pathetic people hold on for a second?" "Why?" "Cause I gaut a new victim of disaster." Amazingly that victim was..... Chapter 30!!!!! I bet you want to know who the person is, but why should I tell you? I'll give you a hint, naaaaaa, It would be to easy. This is to get you thinking, you see, your expecting me to make someone silly or obvious appear. But I know that you know that, so now you're sure it's going to be somebody funny. Now I know that you know who I going to have, so I wont do that. This could go on forever, so I'll make it stop by telling you who it is, but that would ruin the fun, so I won't. "Gosh, I wonder who that other person could be?" questioned Jon. "I bet it's that old lady," noted blab. "I bet you're right, she was destined to die soon," added Bob. "I bet my after life it's a movie star," betted Jon. "OK, I bet it's that old lady." "Me to," stated Bob. Too bad for those losers, it isn't either of those, it's actually... "Guys, come over here and meet God." "God?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" they all said at the same time. "Are you guys deaf?" "Why God?" asked Jon. "That's what I wanted to know," spoke God. "Let me tell you a story.... Naaa, never mind, it's really stupid." said the Devil. "Come on, tell it," whined Jon. "Well, O.K. Long ago there were two little boys, but they had different skin color, so their moms didn't let them play with each other. Well, the red boy got fed up, and killed the glowing white boys mom, that boy was sent to work in heck for the rest of eternity. "A few years after that the white guy became a powerful being, controlling all living things, but he was baaaaaaaaaad, he did things completely wrong. That guy was killing all the wrong people, you know Super Pig, he killed him, but that's not the point, the point is that he was a bad boy. "One day that boy was playing with matches, and boom! His clothes caught on fire and burned him into ashes. The glowing guy was sent to heck, where the red boy was sent, now the red boy gets to torture God." "And, the moral is...." blurted blab. "Oh, there's supposed to be a moral?" "Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeese" Chapter 31 "That was one heck of a geese," noted the Devil. "Why thank you," said Jon. After acting nice and polite, the Devil threw Jon and the gang in the torture room, it's a Devil thing. The torture room is like a large oven, but it doesn't have gas. "What is that smell?" asked blab. Well, I lied, it does have gas. God hid his face. "God?! I'm ashamed of you," stated blab. "Now what?" asked Jon. "I don't know," spoke Bob. "Oh my gosh, I completely forgot, I'm God, I can do anything." shouted God. "Yea, you could just put us on another planet," stated blab. "Here goes. Erummmmmmphhhhhhh, it didn't work." "Geeeese, and I thought you were God," complained Jon. "I just don't get it, my powers have always worked everywhere." NOTE: I forgot to tell you, when you go to heck, the Devil gets all your powers. At that moment the Devil was having a ball deciding who lives and who dies. Meanwhile God and the gang where having a little bit of trouble getting out of heck. (Maybe that was because I can't think of any possible way.) "Let's just wait for a miracle," hopefully said blab. Amazingly, a miracle did happen, a new person became God and saved the group. Chapter 32 "Where are we?" asked Jon. (Into thin air.) "Heaven," said yet another strange voice. "A land full of video games?" wondered Jon. "No! Heaven." "That is my interpretation of Heaven." "Geeeeese." "Hey, that's my line." "Geeeeeeese." (That was you, geeeesing at that bad line.) "Now just waita minute, I used to run Heaven, who are you?!" yelled God. "I'm God." "I'm God" "Oh, I'm your replacement." "REPLACEMENT?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" "Now keep your ugly Greek close on. When you died they had to find a replacement, they chose me." "Geeeese." (That was Jon.) "Well, now that we have that settled, let's go," rushed blab. "Not so fast, you don't leave Heaven." "Hey, can I see Elvis?" asked Bob. "Elvis? Oh that thing, he went to heck." "Darn, just missed him." "What is it with Elvis? I have heard his music, it wasn't good, actually, it stunk, it was horrible, no sir, I don't like it." (Thank you Mr. Horse on Ren and Stimpy.) "Well, I did, so na nana na nana." "If it matters, I would like to say, I hated the bum!" (blab.) "I didn't like him either," said God. "Well, I didn't ask for your opinions," said Bob while he was walking away. "Where are you going?" asked Jon. "I'm trying to find someone who liked Elvis," replied Bob. After that, God (The original.) walked off. "Where are you going?" asked blab. "I'm looking for a new job." After that blab walked away. "Where are you going, as if I care?" asked God. "Looking for a life." As the others walk off, Jon finds himself alone with God, but not for long because god then looks for somebody to help. Chapter 33 "What in heaven's name am I doing here in heaven?" "." "Oh yea, forgot, I'm alone." Jon started walking, he didn't know where he was going, why he wanted to get there, or If he'd like it there or not. He walked for a long time, not noticing the wonderful surroundings. If he had noticed the surroundings, he would've jumped with joy, for the surroundings were that of his home on Earth. "Gee, I wish I were still on Earth, I didn't like it there, but I never died." At that Jon tapped the heels of his shoes three times while saying "There's no place like home, there's no place like home." He then looked up, and fell to the ground kissing it. "It really works!" A few moments later Jon's dad came out and took Jon inside. "Dad! I was just in outer space! You see, my principal was an alien, and he took me into his space ship and blasted off." Jon went on with the rest of the story, not knowing that he was actually talking to one of Gods helpers. "That's nice, but I need to tell you something, I not...." "Wow, that's great, but I need to get to know the place again, mind if I wonder off?" "No." Jon went racing through the house, then he found it, his room, he bent down and thanked God for this wonderfull miracle. "You are very welcome," spoke God. "G, God!?" "No, it's just God." "How, why?" "You are not on Earth, you are still in Heaven." "But how? This is exactly like my home on Earth." "Yes, that is because you were wishing so deeply, it appeared." "So anything I wish for will come true?" "Yup." "This is too easy." "But beware, if you misuse it, you will be sent to Heck." "Geeese." "That's what I said." Chapter 34 Jon pondered this situation for moment, then tried to figure out a way to get out of heaven. He thought for a few minutes, nota clue. If only he could get to heck, then he would irritate the devil so much that he let him go back with the living. Hours later Jon herd a cash machine sound in his head, ah ha! All he had to do was think of something bad. "Gota think, what is so bad that God would send me to heck? I know, I'll think of Heck." As Jon thought hard, the world of Heck came into the surroundings, he opened his eyes and waited for god to send him to Heck. "He's probably not watching me right now." At that very moment God was on some exotic planet having a party a someone else's house, whom, he didn't know. Jon decided to find the Devil in this imaginary place, and annoy him. "Hey you, red head! Yea you, get over here! You know you are as ugly as a dead frogs butt." "WHAT?!" "You heard me, you're as ugly as a dead frogs butt." "I'd punish you but a bus full of lawers just exploded and I gota lot a new customers." "Ha! Good joke! I bet you can't tell better insults than I can." "Be gone with you." "Ha H........" At that Jon was brought back to real life, on a planet full of pears. "...a, I knew you couldn't do any better than me? Where am I, I didn't think this up! Why are there pears all over the ground?" The pears where all over the ground because it was pear season, soon there would be watermelons all over, then bannannas, then tons of fruit flies. "I think I'm in trouble now." He was in trouble, for in the next two days a space ship filled with dogs would come by and pick him up, take him to their planet, then dissect him. "Bark! Commander, we will reach the planet in two days exactly." "Thank you for the report skipper, you are off duty now, go to your fire hydrant and relax." PART THREE!!!! We've made it this far. Where? I'll tell you now, none of these names make sense. Chapter 1 (The other number was getting out of hand.) "Oh honorable fargle jag, I come seeking advise." "The wise men are all wise, but none of them are truly all wise." "Wha? Anyways, I must know which way I should make my life head." "The one who knows is not the only one." "Huh? Well, you must tell me if I should marry the one I truly love, or the one that is nice." "Two apples in the hand are better than none in the tree." "Oh, I have many other questions." "The one who asks is the one who really knows." "But I can't find the answers, that is why I come to you." "The one who travels the farthest is the one who gains the most knowledge." "But I only walked across the street." "The street can be a great thing, if it is properly walked upon." "Oh boy, this is going to be tough." "The tough one is the best one." "On to the subject. If I buy 1 car, I will not be in debt, but if I buy 2 cars, I will get all the babes, which path should I take?" "The caravan makes it's own path." "Thank you, I deeply appreciate it, I will leave now." "The one who pays the thousand dollars will not be thrown in jail." As that person left, an new one came in. "Oh great fargle jag, I come in pain." "One must have many pains before enjoying life." "Oh, now I get it, thank you great fargle jag." "The one who pays the bill gets half price on the next half- hour." "Here you go, I'll be gone now." "The one who leaves the quickest is on the great fargle jags good side." "Oh mentionable fargle jag, I come with lots of cash, and lot's of time." "The one who pays the most is the one who becomes the richest." "Which came first, the chicken, or the egg?" "The egg must come for the chicken to hatch." "If a tree falls on a forest ranger, and nobody is around, will there be a scream?" "The scream is mightier than the brain." "If a rooster lays an egg on the top of the farm house, which way will it fall?" "The rooster is not the one to lay the eggs." "Which is quicker, the hand or the eye." "The one to be thought to move fast, does not move fast at all." "Oh I thank you." "The one who forgets the bill, is the one who deserves nothing for himself." "Oh worthless thingymigig." "The one who calls others names is the true worthless one." "Huh?" "Get out!" Chapter 2 As the ship approached the planet Jon sat around getting sick of pears. "One thousand miles and counting." "That is very good." "1 mile and count..." "What is count...?" "I see a small dot on the radar, it is a life form, the one called human." "I hear they are unknown to our people." "You are correct sir." "I always am, and don't you forget that!" "Ah, we are hear, the human is right under us." "Beam him aboard." "Beaming." Being beamed is somewhat like being stuck in a huge blender, then having lemon juice and salt poured all over you, displeaseant. Jon felt it differently though, it felt like being stuck in a blender, then thrown into a lake of lemon juice and salt. "That was painfull." "Not as painfull as being dissected." "Don't tell him now you idiot, he's going to try and escape now that he knows." "Dissected, HELP! HELP!" "Shouting is no use, nobody can hear you." Well, actually, somebody could hear, but Bob didn't know it was Jon's scream. "Wait!" "What?" "You can't dissect me." "Why?" "I'm endangered." "You are?" "Why yes, and you know that if you kill an endangered species, you'll get fired." "He's right sir." "Be quiet." "Ya, be quiet." "Sir, if you decide to dissect him, I'll quit." "Prepare the table for a little surgery." Chapter 3 "Oh great fargle jag, I come in great inner pain." "The one who is sorrow is the one who is not sorrow." "What the star?" "The star does not become bright because it is born that way, it is because it wants to be that way." "So you're saying that I'm only sad because I want to be." "The one who has to say yes is the one who is uncertain." "It's all so clear, I must leave now." "The one who forgets to pay the fine is the one who goes to heck." "I come to you for help almighty fargle jag." "The one who asks for help is the one who has already found it." "E am not sure why my famely does not want me, thee say the way E talk es all wrong." "The people who blame are the people who dunit." "Now whe dedn't E thenk of that?" "The one who does not think is the stupid one." "Oh distrusting fargle jag, I'm an actor that is not wanted." "People are the ones to choose wrong." "Tell me about it." "Stories are the items of genius'." "So you're saying I should write my own plays?" "The one who guesses write might someday be you." "Thank you great fargle jag." "People are the ones to give thanks to." That person ran outside and shouted thanks to god, he replied back with an acting job for him. "FARGLE JAG!" "The one who yells is the one who is heard." "THAT ISN'T WHAT MY FRIENDS THINK!" "The friends who disagree are the true friends." "A HA!" "The one who yells in the ears of the great fargle jag is a one time customer." The great fargle jag closed his doors for the day and went home only to find on the front cover of the newspaper to have a picture of a recent friend. Chapter 4 "Waita minute." "What?" "Why must you take me apart?" "Um, well, I don't know, I think it would just be really fun." "FUN!? You have a really sick mind." "It might be small, but it ain't sick." At that moment the other dog came in and said, "Cap., it's time for your session with psychotherapist." "Argggghhhhhhh!" "(Whimper.)" "Get out now!" "Oooooooooo, look out the window, is that your planet?" "Oh no! I forgot, the president wanted a pet by the time we got back, I didn't get him one!" "Knock knock, anybody home? I could be his pet." "Hey, I'm glad I thought of that, I could give you to him." The space ship came closer and closer to the planet. At about 1 hundred miles, Jon noticed that the shape of the planet looked like a huge bone. "Ahhhhhhhhhh. Home." "Have you ever noticed it looks like a huge bone?" "Don't be silly." "I'm not, look, it's in the shape of a bone." "HOLY WET DOG!" "Now aren't you glad I pointed that out?" "I'll be rich, money, pools, poodles!" "Wait a single minute here, I showed it to you." "So who would believe you?" "Thousands of dogs." "Your right aren't you?" "I know this game, it's called let's make a deal..." Well, that was it, page fifty, big deal, do you know how long it took me to get here? Chapter 5 "Oh almighty fargle jag, help me chose my path of life." "The path of life is the one driven on by only one." "I know that, what I need to really know is if I should take this better job on another planet." "The one who commutes far to work is the one who is tired all day." "So your saying I shouldn't take it?" "The answer is the thing that must be searched for." "What a help you were." "The one who offers help is the one who doesn't need it." "Mr. jag, can I have a raise, I mean, I'm underpaid, stay late hours without pay, and don't like the work." "The one who begs is the one who loses there job." "You're saying I'm fired?" "The boss is the one who does not lie." "Geese, this is just great, now what am I supposed to do?" "The one who does not know what to do is the one who is confused." "Oh great fargle jag, I am in need of a job, what should I do." "The one who needs work is the one who already works for the great fargle jag." "You mean I can work for you?" "The one who says yes is correct." "Oh thank you great fargle jag." "The one who thanks is the one who is in need of thanks." "Oh great fargle jag, I have no sense of style, how can I change that?" "The one who thinks that they dress well is the one who dresses well." "I have one more question, how do you think of so many proverbs?" "A genius mind is a bank of knowledge." "You make them up." "People are not the ones to judge other people." "But we are dogs, not people." "Dogs are not the ones to judge other dogs." "Oh fargle jag, I have a question only you can answer, it is about the human coming to our planet, will he destroy us all?" "You are not destroyed by something different, something different is destroyed by you." "I am relieved." Chapter 6 "Are you sure you want to be loved by all dogs, considered a hero by millions, have you're own Saturday cartoon?" "What? Are you kidding? Any dog would die for that that." "You know, there will be assassins after you day and night, wanting to bump you off because you discovered something that they thought they would have." "Oh! You are right! I insist you to become famous for the discovery that you made." "Are you sure?" "Positive!" "Well, all right." "Praise the lord." The craft came to a halt on the bone planet of the dogs. All the crew came out, hugged their families, and went home. After wards, the captain and Jon came out and got a ride to the presidents office. "Do you think he'll believe me?" "How am I supposed to know?" It was a thirty minute drive from the airport to the president's office. Jon was having fun fooling around with the panels on the limo. "window up, window down. Sun roof open, sunroof close." Jon pressed all the buttons but one, he was saving that one for last. It said eject on it, Jon had no idea what it would eject, but he didn't care, it is normal to have the need to push buttons. Slowly the finger came down on the button, at the end of the push a voice said"You have just pushed the driver eject button, the current driver will be thrown out the car about three thousand miles into the air, then a new one will arrive in a few seconds." Out went the driver, "Agggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-hhhhh." Jon laughed for the rest of the trip, whenever he was about to stop, he pretended he hand was the old driver and imitated the scene. The car stopped abruptly at the presidents office, and Jon pushed the button again so they wouldn't have to pay the driver a tip. "Aggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhh." Jon laughed to the door of the red house's (That was the name of the building.) door, looked up, and noticed that it was shaped like a fire hydrant. "Human, behave nicely, the president will get very wired if you are crazy or rude." Chapter 7 The great fargle jag closed shop and headed for the red house, because he had a session with the president. He hopped into his car and took the hour-long drive to the house, he found another car there. "Must be one of his friends," thought the great fargle jag. He walked up to the front step and told the guard who he was and why he was there. "The great fargle jag?" "The one who knows who one is is truly wise." "Wow, I have a question for you. Why does the president act like a kid?" "The child in the mind is more powerful than the grown up on the outside." "Oh, I get it, because he had a great childhood, he acts like a child." Fargle didn't reply to this statement and headed on inside. He walked through many halls, and finally came to the president's office. The door was locked, there must have been somebody inside. Fargle jag knocked on the door, and a child's voice said, "Come in." The great fargle jag walked in and saw the person he had seen in the paper. "Bob?!" Jon yelled. "No silly poopoo head, this is the great fargle jag," explained the president." "No he isn't, he is my principal, Bob." "Hey, you can't argue with me, because I am the king." "Geeeeeese, how did this guy become king?" "We've seen your presidents, so we said, oh, we are supposed to have the most unimaginable person for the most important job." replied the captain. (Of whom's name was to odd to write.) "One person can be more than one person." "Bob, why are you speaking like that?" "One can change their lives any time they like, for there is no rule to life." "I've said it before, and I guess I'll say it again, geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese." Chapter 8 Talking with someone who thinks like a three year old is hard, not because you can't understand them, it's because you can understand them. (Wha?) When they tell a story, it takes a few hours, and that is just for the title. If they make one mistake in saying something, they have to start all over. If that sounds bad, just the way they talk is annoying, um, and then um, he um, um, can I start all over? Just say no. If you haven't guessed, I'm only going to get a few things off my chest, it is all right if you decide to skip this because you don't like they way I talk to you, nothing will happen to any of the characters. Another thing, I was thinking, what if people only told the truth? "My you have the most discusting baby I have ever seen!" "Get out of my house you horribly ugly woman." "O.K. I didn't like the wall paper or the stench you emit anyway." That was a sample of what life would be like. I'll will now wright what people really say, then what they would say. "You are such a good student." "Why thank you, and you are the greatest teacher I have ever had." "You're to kind." "You are the stupidest, horrible, most arrogant student I have ever had." "And you are the worst teacher in the universe." "You're so evil, off to detention with you." Now that you know what the world would be like if we all told the truth, why don't you try it with your friends? People who move really slow, IT IS SO ANNOYING! They should be sent to the moon, and be able to walk as slow as they want for as long as they want. What is the good of moving slow? It doesn't get you anywhere fast, and all it does is get the person behind you really mad. It is almost like they know that you are behind them, so they call all their slow moving friends to get in front of you and leave you no choise but to push right through them. That just about wraps it up for this chapter, but I have one last thing to talk about, nature shows, they make me sick! Who even watches them? Probably the families of the makers. All they do is take up precious air time, there could be better things on, like reruns of The Simpsons. I think it is only O.K. when they are on those cable channels that nobody watches. Chapter 9 For those of you who read that last chapter I thank you, I hope you realized that all that stuff was true, and I hope you agree with my opinions on those four subjects. "Mr. king, I have something I must tell you, your world is shaped like a bone," spoke Jon. "Oh my gosh!" shouted the king while holding his cheeks. The commander said, in response, "Sir, do you understand what that means?" "No." "Where did find this guy?" "In an ally." "Geeeese." "W..What are you two guys whispering about?" "None of your beeswax." "You can't talk that way to me, cause I'm the king." "The king does not have power because he is king." "Shut up Bob." "I keep on telling you, his name is the great fargle jag." The argument went on for a few more minutes, then a frenzied scientist rushed in the door and said that the world was shaped like a bone. "Oh my gosh, that is so cool, I'm going to make you famus." One of the secret agents near the king said, "That's famous." "Oh yea, I'm going to make you famous." "Thank you king." "Oh my gosh, I knew that, I was going to be famous, I KNEW THAT THE WORLD WAS SHAPED LIKE A BONE!" "Don't yell." "I'm gone." "You don't look like it." "This is absolutely crazy, I'm am leaving." "The one who leaves early is the one who loses early." "So what!" "Calm down boy." "The name is Jon, and no, I WILL NOT CALM DOWN, CAN"T YOU SEE? I MISSED Out on Millions of dollars!" "Bones." "Bones?" "Bones are the currency on this planet." "Oh, so I really haven't lost anything." Chapter 10 Later that day the king had some dog take Jon to a hotel. Jon didn't mind this, he was happy to have gotten all that anger out. "Sir, we are here," said the driver. "Thank you good chap." Jon stepped out of the car, and walked over to the door, which had a rather large guard in front of it. As Jon passed by the dog, it gave him that look that says, "You are the ugliest thing I ever saw." "Jon gave him that look back that says, "You are big, really big, HELP!" In the main room was a desk with a short, skinny mutt behind it. "I, um, I have a reservation." "Wat's ya nam?" "Jon, er, Jon Dough, spelled D O U G H, not D O E." "Na need ta be rud Jon. You room is number 50/50, here is your key." "Thank you." Jon walked the fifty flights of stairs to get to room fifty/fifty. He didn't have a good feeling about this place. The lock on the room was one of those were you have to put the card through, wait for the green light to flash, and quickly open the door. Jon spent a few minutes trying to just get in his room. He walked in and saw that the room wasn't all that worth while to be in, it had a large pillow for a bed, and water bowl, and a fire hydrant. Myth or fact: The fire hydrant is truly something dogs use as a toilet: Fact! Jon slumped down on the bed, er couch, and thought about his adventures in space. Only one question remained: How exactly did he ever manage to end up on a planet of the dogs? One other question also remained, what ever happened to his mother? Well many other questions were floating around in Jon's mind, but only one was important:Why? The End, but to be continued. If many questions are in your skull, be sure to read an upcoming story be me, it should be titled: WHY (Part two of WHAT) To make sure that the people who got this story to you let me put my next one in, be sure to tell them how much you loved this one. If you liked this book at all, be happy to send plenty of cash to: Super Pig 35 space way Bragle fram, Solar State 1313 P.S. I have also written a 150 page story called Galaxy One, this also takes place in space, but is not comical. I f you would like to read this one, contact me, I might be able to make things happen. At this moment, I am working on a new story, it is about virtual reality in the near future, if you are interested in this too, contact me. In a few months I will be returning to the What series, I would appreciate it if you cheer me on.