(vee-pee) Heavy Industries Presents (vee-pee) version 3.12 Crappy Holidays From The (vee-pee) family to you. 1.0 - Fear And Loathing In Orange County ======================================== Whattup party people? We're back, we're rusty, and just as bad as before. That's right, all your pals at (vee-pee) have poked their heads outta the woodwork to wish you and yours the crappiest of holidays. Well, we've officially been told that "We make "Hee Haw" look like "Masterpiece Theater."" I'm so proud to know that I can put a load of crap out for you every month. If you go to the trouble of printing it out, you can even wipe with it. I even got my first bit of fan mail about the site: [Begin Inserted Message] From dpraver@raver.org Fri Dec 12 03:01:02 1997 Date: Fri, 05 Dec 1997 11:08:21 -0600 From: Dave To: B187 Subject: (vee-pee) vee-pee... I cant belive I spent like 4 hours reading that shit. I did laugh a few times though. Ok.. D.P. Raver [End Inserted Message] I swear that I got all warm and fuzzy inside when he said, "that shit." I mean god, to know that this magazine is the scourge of the net is one thing, but hell... To have someone absorb all the issues in 4 hours... Christ. Anyways, we have a great little zine thrown together at the last minute for ya... But first a word from our sponsor: Spring Flood Tampons... Hey ladies, ever feel not so fresh? Ever feel like you were limited to sitting around the house watching Oprah durring "that time" of the month? Then try Spring Flood Tampons. The only tampons with special deodorizing ingredients that not only make you smell pine forest fresh but also save the rainforest by using recycled materials. Wow... A product like that makes me wish I could menstrate. Anyways, since it's the holidays we have the standard fair with a little added cheer. So sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. -b 2.0 - Quote Of The Month ======================== "When you're out having fun, remember: hookers are people too. Say 'thank you' when you're done." - Max Weinberg 3.0 - The Night Before (vee-pee) ================================ Note - Unless you know most of the people I mention in this stirring rendition, you won't get it... Whatever. Twas the night before (vee-pee) And all over the net Not one person hit my site Or checked things just yet The aritcles were hung On the site with care In hopes that the visitors Soon would be there Booger was nestled All snug in his bed While wet dreams of Colleen Card Danced in his head And noid with his shotgun The Captian taking a crap danoZANO was listening To old gangsta rap When on vee-pee.org There arose quite a clatter Booger sprang from the sack To see what's the matter Away to his gibson He flew like a flash Logged on to his shell And lit up some hash The hits on the site Made ol' Booger glow Then suddenly a crash downstairs Startled his fr0 He went down the steps To check out the scene Perhaps the cops Were after his green But no behold, A huge ass punk Logged on to his network And made a big "KRUNK" More rapid than WaReZ pups His fingers they typed He hopped on to IRC And did a mass invite "Now, 9x! now, Whyer! Now, Logic! now, Klexn! On, Kender! on, Tannest! On, Abs and even Copen! Go to this new site I think it's the shit..." His client reset And he promptly quit As dry leaves that before The wild hurricane fly When they meet with an obstacle Mount to the sky So off to the site The channel they flew With high hopes for this site And it's admin too... And then on the site He heard from his room The hit counter ticking As things mushroomed As he started to grin And was headed upstairs The geek on his network Was pulling out hairs He was dressed all in black But he wasn't a goth His nipples were pierced With a Master lock A bundle of disks He pulled out from his kit Booger could tell right away This hacker was the shit His eyes how they squinted His brow gathered perspire His fingers how they strained His technique was like fire His pointy little teeth And his cheshire cat grin Showed poor old Booger This boy was pure sin The barbell in his tounge Rolled around with his teeth And his hair looked like A nest or a sheep He had a gaunt face And pasty white skin From all that time He must have spent in the pen He was bitter and pissed Like an axe wielding elf Booger laughed when he saw him In spite of himself A wink of his eye And a twist of his head Soon made Booger worry He had something to dread He said not a thing But went straight back to work And tinkered with booger's server Then turned with a jerk And thumbing his fingers Against his nose Sticking his tounge out From the terminal he rose He ran for the door And Booger ran for his `puter Wondering what he did To Booger's CISCO router When he loaded the webpage The hacker wrote quite a site That said "Merry (vee-pee) to all And to all a good-night!" Crappy holidays everyone! 4.0 - Yahoo Site Hack ===================== Note - Just in case you missed it... Here's the Yahoo site hack in it's entirety. Not since "Hackers" have I giggled so much. Enjoy... [Begin Hoax Webpage] P4NTZ/H4GiS - W0RLD D0M1N4T10N '97 For the past month, anyone who has viewed Yahoo's page & used their search engine, now has a logic bomb/worm implanted deep within their computer. The worm part of this 'virus,' (in layman's terms) spreads itself across internal networks that the infected machine is on. Binary programs are also infected. On Christmas Day, 1997, the logic bomb part of this 'virus,' will become active, wreaking havoc upon the entire planet's networks. The virus can be stopped. But not by mortals. An antidote program has been written. This program is resting somewhere on a computer in the southeastern hemisphere. The U.S. government will be notified of the precise location of the antidote program upon the immediate release of Kevin Mitnick. In the meantime, it would be a wise move on the part of the children of corporate and militant America to remove all money they have in any financial institutions. One of the many functions of our virus is that it will cause an acceleration of clocks to the year 2000. The PANTS/HAGIS alliance has taken control of the world's computers. We own everyone, and everything. No one is safe. No computer is safe. Our goal, which we have achieved, is world domination. The Fail Safe: [From H4G1S, PANTS, and the MLF] On February 14 1995, Kevin David Mitnick was incarcerated for the sole purpose of furthering the egomaniacal agenda of the United States secret service (cervix), and the self aggrandizement of both would be "security expert" Shimomura and has-been media lackey John Markoff. To commemorate this date and further etch our outrage into the hearts and minds of corporate and militant America, we have built in a fail safe: On exactly 01:00 hours February 14, 1997 there will be a nationwide failure of powergrids in strategic locations. Remember, this will only occur if Kevin David Mitnick is not released and exonerated of all trumped up charges made against him. And now, a note from PANTS: Kevin Mitnick was wrongly jailed for a crime he did not commit. Everyone is well aware of the fact that Mitnick was *not* behind the attack on Shimomura's computers. Tsutomu Shimomura is a hypocrite, who is out to make a fast buck & a name for himself. Throughout the entire course of his & John Markoff's lame excuse for a book, he trashes Mitnick's mocks him for 'not having a life.' He makes no mention, however, of his own illicit activities with cellular phones. Mitnick did what he did out of intellectual curiosity, without compromising the hacker ethic. The goal of Shimomura's activity, however, was merely to listen in on other people's conversations. If Mitnick doesn't have a life or ethics for checking someone's email for reasons of self preservation... then what does that say about Shimomura, who eavesdrops on unknowing victims for recreation? Shimomura also constantly slams hackers as being 'clueless,' and 'ankle-biters.' "h3y m1zt3r s3kUr1ty 3xp3rt.. 1ph y00'r3 s0 el8, h0w k0m3 u'r3 alw4yz g3tt1ng 0wn3d by u$ 4nkl3b1t3rz?" Tsutomu is a puppet of an increasingly Orwellian government. He is owned by PANTS & H4G1S. (Not to mention quite a few other individuals, who shall remain nameless.) The media hails Tsutomu Shimomura as "cyberspace's top cop." The media forgets that the policemen of cyberspace are no different than their analog world counterparts. Which is to say, 99% of the time, they're completely fucking retarded and inept. After being incarcerated, Mitnick's rights were continually violated. (As they have been in the past. Refer to Jonathan Littmann's "The Fugitive Game."). Ridiculous things ranging from not being allowed to use the phone (h3 m1ght wh1$tl3 th3 l4Unch k0d3z & st4rt w0rld w4r 3!@$) to being put in solitary confinement because the prison officials believed he could turn his walkman radio into a device with which he could tap their offices. However, not having access to any sort of soldering equipment, and the fact that being a prisoner means HE IS IN A CELL ALL DAY, this would obviously be quite impossible. He is also prohibited from using a computer to assist him in researching for his case, despite the fact that the library computer is not connected to a phone line, or with the outside world in any other way. This limitation makes the task of defending himself nearly impossible, which is exactly what they want. The EFF has, of course, stepped in with their own hypocritical two cents ("Mitnick is an electronic miscreant," etc, etc). This is no different from their actions in the past.. however, we expected better from the supposedly libertarian John Perry Barlow. Shows what happens when you listen to the government & the popular media, I guess... "You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence." --Charles A. Beard HAQRZ AGA1NST GEEKZ 1N SN0WSU1T$ MITNICK LIBERATION FRONT PANTS W0RLD D0M1NAT10N '97 [End Hoax Webpage] 5.0 - Ask The Bobbillama ======================== Ask the Bobbillama Well, this is supposed to be one of those Q and A deals. Since I ain't got no Q's, you ain't gonna get no A. So I'm just gonna ramble about anything that comes to mind. How often do all of you masturbate? Now I know what you're saying, "Only 5 or 6 times a day... That's not too bad, is it Bob?" YES it is, and I'm gonna tell you why. Now don't get me wrong, masturbating, or "Punching your clown", as I like to refer to it is good wholesome family entertainment. That is as long as it is done by yourself. However, you gotta pace yourself. If you're whacking the flounder 5 times a day, for an average of twenty minutes, you need to realize that your spending 43,800 minutes a year just touching yourself. Just to think that's not even on a leap year! Do any of you smoke? I do... like a chimney. And you know what? IT'S OK TO SMOKE! I'm tired of listening to these pansy ass nancy boys and those dumb bitch waitresses sayin' "Please don't smoke, because I don't want to breathe it." They can all suck me sideways. Fuck off all you bleeding heart crybabies. You don't hear me saying "Don't drive your car, because I don't want to breathe smog." do ya? HUH!?! FUCK NO! YOU KNOW WHY?! NO, YOU DON'T!!!!! You bleeding heart fuckers drive your gas chugging car to work, and I'll be right behind you. When you finally arrive after spending 2 and a half hours on the 405, I'm gonna smoke 3 packs of Camel non-filters, and I'm gonna blow all of the smoke in your face! Then I'm gonna kick you between the shoulderblades and yell "SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND DEAL WITH IT!!" Maybe it's just me, but if you take a young lady out to a nice dinner (Not too young now.) and you blow more than about $15, I think you oughta get sex. At least a blow-job. Call me old fashioned, but if I take a girl out and show her a good time, she needs to show me a good time in return, if ya know what I mean. Then again, none of you probably do. You all just sit around your computers all day and whack it while looking at kiddie porn, don't you? Don't worry, there is still a chance for all of you. If you can get your hand off of the joystick for a minute, then I have a plan for you. First of all, GO FUCKING JOG OR SOMETHING. Contrary to what you might think, sitting in front of your computer 18 hours a day ISN'T areobic acticity. Get some exercise fatass!!! Then, when you get back, TAKE A SHOWER! Most of you haven't showered since the Regan administration. Then go out and get a job. Once you get paid, go out and get some decent clothes. Take off the gothic gear, let your hair grow out. Once it's your natural (STOP DYEING IT BLACK YOU FRUITLOOP!!!!) color, and cheer the fuck up. Life isn't that fucking bad once you climb out of the coffin. Gothic people need to be drug into the street and shot. Fuck all you vampire wannabes. If you people want me to stop talking shit about you and your "Alternative" lifestyles (i.e. gayblades) send me some fuckin' questions. Bob is an endless well of knowledge and insight. So use me like I use your mothers. Well, not exactly like I use your mothers (I'm really not into that anal action like all of your crack-whore moms are.). Until next time, (And I mean this in the nicest possible way.) fuck off, all of you. Send me some fuckin' questions, and I won't have to ramble on like this again. 6.0 - And Special Guest... ========================== [This month's special guest is none other that Mr. Petty Larceny. Give him a big hand ladies and gentlemen... -b] -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- | Petty Larceny: GTE chronie, IP h03 | "ask not what you can do for your | | mailto: faustus@ipgeek.com | country, ask what your country | | http://www.ipgeek.com/~faustus | did to you" -KMFDM | -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=- Text Telephones: Do you know what they do? Text telephones have been around a while and never have I seen an article on them. First off I would like to state how you can get on the text telephone network. You can get on to text telephone networks one of two ways. The first way is to get a text telephone and use that to call the operator and then go from there. Or you can get a computer with a dial up program and dial into the magic number and access it from there. I am not sure if this number is good for all areas but here in Los Angeles the number is 1 800 735 0091 and the settings are 1/2 duplex, 1200 baud, 8 bit, 0 parity, and 1 stop. As you all probably know, 1200 baud is about the same speed that most of you typists out there can type, and read. But don't worry I don't think there is a such thing as a text telephone file base that you will be doing alot of downloading from. Other things about this. The operators are supposed to be totally private when transfering calls from text telephone (TTY) to voice. So you can have the operator call up your friend, and you can ask him how the work on the bomb is going. And they are not allowed to tell anyone (even though they probably do, I can't imagine the life of a TTY operator is very exciting except for the juicy phone calls they get). Other ways you can molest them is by calling phone sex lines. If you really wanna get sick and twisted call up a gay phone sex line. (chances are the operator is female). Also, this call is to an 800 number so you can not get billed for it. I am not sure if they will bill your home address if you start calling phone sex lines. So I would recommend doing this from a payphone, or someone's house you don't like. Have fun, but don't ruin it for the rest of us. I am assuming that if they get enough harassment, they will change the numbers and the parameters. Chill..... 7.0 - A Message To You Captian ============================== [Much apologies... The Captian wrote this while he was completely drunk. Hope it makes sense to you. -b] This month's happy little rant happens to be about my elaborate yet totally drunken theory on how alien abductions are just a scam by the conspriacy. I belive that alien abductions are nothing more than a gorverment plot (A "sham" if you will.) to cover up scandals. I have reason to belive that the government takes all the people who completely screwed them over (i.e. Tax evaders, kiddie porn traders, computer hackers, WaReZ pups...) and takes them to a "secret" room. This is where government involvment ends. The next step involves a mob of liquered up night janitors (To be PC we'll just call them Custodial Engineers.). To the best of my knowledge the government supplys a mob of about twenty to thirty Custodial Engineers with two bottles of Wild Turkey each. And this my friends is where the magic begins. The Custodial Engineers go completely nutzoid on these "specimens". They simply bring in things from home like plungers and coat hangers and act like their retarded cousin Walter (Okay, _my_ retarded cousin Walter... So what?). Oh, the sheer beauty of the whole situation. I can picture it now. "Hey Buzz, check this shit out...", as the Custodial Engineer inserts a plunger (Suction cup side up) or a Makita power drill up some poor unsuspecting fool's anal cavity. The Custodial Engineers torture the "specimens" for a few nights and release them when they become tired of them. However, before they leave they are forced to watch Sally Struthers infomercials until they forget what has happened and crawl through a tube full of plastic wrap and petrolum jelly. After this the abducties are droped off in a redneck state such as Alabama or Oklahoma with 10:1 Trailer Park to Neighborhood ratio. Dressed in nothing but a pair of dirty overalls that don't quite cover all and flannel, they happen to be missing a few teeth. Smelling a lot like cheap booze, they are given a beat-up old Ford (Which they wake up in.). What more could you ask for? A Liquered up redneck in a old truck reaking of cheap booze. I'm convinced that this is the way our government gets rid of people who have crossed them. I'm currently checking references on my Hoffa "abduction" theory as we speak. Anyways, this is what I belive, and if you don't belive my drunken ramblings then FUCK OFF! I could give a shit less what you think any way. I apologize for the poor content of this article. The only chance I had to write it was the night before this piece of shit mag was released and I had put back a case of "Milwalkie's Beast". Therefore, blame anything on b187 if at all possible. 8.0 - Issue Stats ================= Special Thanks To: - Noid, danoZANO, and Xor - Even tho they no longer write articles for me. - Bob Dobbs - Long live Bob! - Arclight, Dolemite, Cal, and all the other Digital Decay crew. - Sistah Ruckus - No matter what you think I still worship your pussy. - 9x, Whyer, Klexn, WonTon, ChowMein, Abs, Tannest, Kad and whoever else I forgot from #TCPstack. - Petty Larceny, eckles and DreamFX - When we gonna raid Redbox Lane? That's it. Go home fuckers. The issue is over.