Article: 5653 of alt.zines Newsgroups: alt.zines Path: news.cic.net!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!howland.reston.ans.net!usc!nic-nac.CSU.net!charnel.ecst.csuchico.edu!olivea!decwrl!decwrl!netcomsv!intercom!krausman From: krausman@intercom.com (Michael Kraus) Subject: Loud-N-Proud 2 Part 2 Message-ID: <1994Sep12.131311.5989@intercom.com> Organization: InterCom Online (718) 692-4414 -New York's Internet Connection- Date: Mon, 12 Sep 1994 13:13:11 GMT X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] Lines: 973 Fight the Power!! By Mike Kraus Maybe it's only me but I can't understand why people buy bottled water. Now this Evian stuff...I wouldn't be surprised if this company was started by some French guy out of his home. Can't you juts picture some guy saying "ahh those dumb American's will buy anything! I will buy 10,000 plastic bottles and fill them up with Paris tap water and sell them to those crazy Americans! Water is free! It falls from the sky! If you want to buy bottled water be my guest, but I'll stick to drinking good ol' New York City tap water. Another thing that really bugs me is Snapple, Mystic, Arizona, and all those other companies jumping in to make a fortune. People can be really dumb. It isn't all that uncommon for people to be suckered into paying extra for something they THINK is better. Remember Haggen Das Ice Cream? Well they came up with the brilliant idea to come up with a cool name that sounds foreign, and charged the the same amount for a pint that other companies charged for a half gallon. People were dumb enough to pay for it and it opened the doors for Ben and Jerry. Well have I got news for you. I can make an ice cream that tastes just like Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream. I can make a whole gallon for about $2.00! Yup $2.00 for a whole gallon. So why do Ben and Jerry charge so much for a pint? Because people are stupid! I can also make something that tastes very similar to Cherry Garcia for the same price. Well the same goes for all these companies that make Ice Tea and all those other drinks. OK maybe the sodas that Snapple makes aren't easy to make but the ice tea is simple! Go out and get yourself a Mr.Coffee Ice Tea Brewer and follow the instructions. Do everything they say except add a lot of extra sugar, add some lemon and wammo Snapple Ice Tea! And Nestea, come on! They sell the powder to make it! You can make like gallons of the stuff for the price three 12 oz bottles cost. And Arizona Ice Tea. How dumb can people be? Where is it notorious for being hot? Phoenix, Arizona right? So they slap the name Arizona on the bottle to make you think it will even quench the thirst of people baking in 120 degree heat in Arizona. Suckers! Ya know I am dedicating that song "Liar" by the Rollins Band to all these companies who rip American's off! And so I can make a piece of the "pie" I am introducing my brand of "gourmet" iced tea and I'm calling it Death Valley Ice Tea! What we should all do is stage a modern day Boston Tea Party. Go and trash trucks delivering bottled water, Snapple, Ben & Jerry's etc. No need to dress up in war paint, cause then you'll have all the politically correct people accusing you of mocking native Americans. It worked in colonial times! Ok ok maybe this is a bit extreme! But it would work! So please folks spread the word about the zine and tell your friends, husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, brothers, sisters, etc to stop buying Snapple, Mystic, and all the previously mentioned products. Just think about what I said and You'll see that I am right. If everyone started to realize what I did and stopped buying these products do you think they would still be charging $1.00 for 12 oz of iced tea? Just think about how matt products this is true about! Why does laundry detergent cost so much? Cause they advertise it has stain guard and color guard and all this other crap! All it is is soap. It should be like $2.00. Sure the products are good but they are not worth all that money! Stop the insanity (get a crew cut and dye your hair blond) by not buying these products! Don't Mess With the Big Mutha! By Mike Kraus I don't agree with fucking with nature. Same goes for what they are doing with genetic engineering. We all can't look like Barbie and Ken dolls. This ranks up there with the madness of Hitler. Eventually you'll be able to customize a baby like you do with a car. Well we have the basic model for $8999 with manual transmission but for just $1000 more you can get cruise control, power windows and door locks and automatic transmission. Sure it would be nice to say I want to have son with black hair, blue eyes, who is athletic, and very smart. But it's not right! Even if it only goes as far as choosing the sex. There is a reason that there is a certain percentage of males and females. Look what happened with those poor women who were given that experimental medication to control morning sickness. Their kids were born missing arms and legs, hands and feet! Even for something as small as a cold. There are a thousand products out on the market that supress your running nose and sneezing. But when you take these things they tend to make you sicker for longer. I noticed this last year when I had a cold. The first cold I had I took Dimetapp Extentabs. It did stop my nose from running and I didn't sneeze nearly as much but it made me really groggy and my cold didn't go away for almost 2 weeks. Then later on around the time of snow storm # 14 I got another cold. I didn't take any of that stuff like Dimetapp and Benadryl and put up with the runny nose and sneezing but within about 4 days my cold was almost all cleared up! So sometimes you just have to let these things run themselves out. The icing on the cake for me was when I worked in a pharmacy. Along with every bottle of pills the pharamcy gets there is a white booklet that is attached to the side of it. IT lists all the crap that is in the medication but also gives these LOOONG lists of side affects and possible comlications! And on some of them I wondered why the hell would someone take these? And why did the FDA pass it? So keep things simple and don't mess with nature, or it just may lash back at you! Flying the Unfriendly skies... by Jay Korbow Well, this fair and fowl-weathered frequent flyer has finally seen why the airline industry has been the butt(head) of jokes for years and years. Last week's ill-fated trip on Continental made this flying-lover a disContinent-aled flying-hater. To start, bad weather in the middle plains meant the Philadelphia to Houston (HUB-a-hubba) had to be rerouted over Georgia. All the Northeast was affected and delays of 2 hours and up were common. But Continental left the gate on time! Keep those on-time departure averages up guys! Then we sat ON THE RUNWAY for more than 2 hours! Yikes! No air-conditioning! Sat a spell! Y'all come back now! Of course I missed my connection at the HUB and had to spend the nite in downtown Houston at my own expense. After the two hour wait in the main main terminal (with other disgruntled passengers) I was rebooked on the morning flight to Sunny Diego! We won't talk about the food, lack of smiles or other amenities. I just hope Continental hasn't thrown away their notes from their last bamruptcy proceedings, because if they keep this "up" they will be "up" up and away without most of America! ****MISC.**** The Rating Game By Mike "Miko" Kraus I know you have all probably seen something similar to this in another zine before but hey I'm sure they got the idea from a magazine too so hey what's the big deal? Read and enjoy! Remember here's the rating system: * 86 it! We would be better off without it/him/her ** Come on they can do better than that! *** Ok pretty good effort **** Oh yeah! This I like ***** Very rare, but means something is exceptionally good! I'm tough. ^ OOh a triangle! World Cup *** The best part was that guy screaming GOOOOOOAAAAAL all the time Chi-Chi's Salsa **** Man that's some good eating. Especially good with Freeto's Scoops! The Tonight Show *** Lucky for Jay all the old people who watched Johnny still watch him. What happens when they die?? Late Show with David Letterman ***** Unlike many bangwagon jumpers I have been watching Dave since 1987 and have seen Johnny, Pat, Arsenio and a few others, but nobody beats Dave! Late Night with Conan O'Brien **** He's getting better and better. Once people stop compairing him to Letterman he will appeal to more viewers. Andy Ricter (Conan's side kick) **** Ya know atleast he makes an effort! Ed McMahon just sat there like a fat slob and chuckled. Andy is especially funny when he is "on location" and reporting to Conan. Later with Bob Costas ** Thank goodness it's off the air! One on one, no audience at 1:35 AM! Come on snoozarama! Later with Greg Kinnear *** Greg is really funny but the 30 minute time limit is holding his comedy back. It's tough to cram his media bites, a guest and the Later letter all in 30 minutes. A big improvement was adding an audience. Paul Shaefer and the CBS Orchestra **** Top rate band. I've seen them play as both the World Most Dangerous Band and as the CBS Orchestra and they are great musicians! Adding the horn section was a good idea. Max Weinberg Seven ** I've heard worse (See More-Sadness). I think what makes me have a little compassion for the band is that guy who sings "In the year 2000." Branford Marsalis * I would like to give him a half star or nothing but I'll be nice. Depressing music except when he plays some cool Zeppelin. Most of his music puts me to sleep, but the drummer is pretty cool when he sings the "Iron Jay" theme song. Branford More-Sadness. Talk Soup **** Great show! Almost gave it a 5 star but anything with talk show smut involved isn't worthy of 5 stars. Man why do these people actually go on these talk shows and talk about their affairs with the same sex and animals, with siblings etc? O.J. Coverage * Ugghhh! Unfortunately due to the western time difference they managed to squeeze Geraldo on when they were on lunch break here on the east coast. Unplastic News (zine) ***** Yes 5 stars! It really is well done and really funny. hey have you read about the exploding whale yet? No? Well get yourself over to an FTP or Gopher and download it! Frank Thomas (Next Babe Ruth!) **** I would give him 5 stars but he always crushes Yankee pitching. Hey Frank come on take it easy on Jim Abbott! And good luck against Jimmy Key! Frank....YOU DA MAN!!! Daryl Strawberry * If I were to run into Daryl I would spit at him and anyone involved in the Giants orginization with signing him. George Young for cutting Phil Simms * Slick move George! Ya know Rodney Hampton can only run so far. He's not Superman! The guys(or gals) who broke into my car trunk * Come on guys it was two days after Christmas! How cruel can you be? Thanks for costing me $$ to get it fixed. (if you feel sorry for me send large or small cash amounts, money orders, your Visa Card etc to the address at the end of the zine) Howard Sterns Radio Show **** All I can say is more lesbians and more Bah-Bah Booey! Howard Stern E! Entertainment Television Show **** I thought it was a dumb idea til I saw the firsy few episodes. Great show. Especially funny when they show Bah-Bah Booey cartoons. Oh and Howard band when he was 11 was also a great show! Oh and thar Garry Puppet is hysterical! 7-11 Super Big Gulp ***** It comes in way handy after a wicked raquetabll match with Niel. Nothing like 44 oz of Cherry Coke to quence a man sized thirst. 7-11 Slurpees *** Taste good but those ice headaches (A.K.A. Brain Freezes are harsh!) Snapple Ice Tea * Yuck how is it that they can combine too sweet and too bitter at the same time? Horrible taste. Lipton Ice Tea **** Clean crisp taste and very refreshing. It ain't no sippin' tea! Snapple Fruit Punch ** I love the way it tastes but refuse to pay $1.00 for it. Why pay $1.00 for 16 oz when I can pay $1.00 for a 44 oz Big Gulp? Local Store Brand (not Quest) Wild Cherry Sparkling Water **** Man there is a party in my mouth and your all invited! Pick some up at your local supermarket. Food Lion brand is really good, but any local store brand will do. Remember not Seltzer, or tonic water...it's sparkling water. Pringles Ranch Chips **** A perfect combination with Cherry Sparkling Water. Pringle Right Crisps * Unfortunately half the fat means taking 100% of the taste! Yuck! Carboard is tastier. Hanes Oversized Pocket T-s **** I love 'em and personally wear them. Hmm what are the chances of Hanes sending me a case for free like the Gap did with David Letterman? (uhh guys just incase, I'm a medium and White, Black, and Teele are my favorites) Response to the first issue of L-N-P * Come on guys we need submissions, and feedback. Is an e-mail too much to ask for? After all we put alot of work into this for your entertainment. Why the Juice is Being Squeezed By Niel Vuolo After what seems like endless hours of OJ coverage I've come to the conclusion that OJ could not have killed ex wife Nicole Brown Simpson and waiter Ron Goldman. One possible scenario could be; after OJ and Brian "Kato" Kaelin came back from McDonalds the action began. OJ went back to his Brentwood home and Kato who has been romantically linked to Nicole went over to her nearby home for a romantic escapade. Earlier Nicole had been at one of her local haunts and left a pair of glasses. One of the waiters, Ron Goldman, volunteered to drop them off after his shift. Nicole was at home waiting for her "friend" Kato and she was ready for a romantic evening. When Ron Goldman got to her house with the glasses, she invited him in for a drink to thank him for going out of his way. Kato who was very jealous of any man being around Nicole, especially Juice, saw Goldman with her and went ballistic. Went into the house got into a scuffle with the victim and killed them. He was wearing a pair of gloves and a hat he found in OJ's car. He left behind the hat and a glove during the melee. He went back to the car with one bloody glove on he discarded the glove on OJ's estate hoping that any investigation would lead to OJ not him. Maybe Kato has something on OJ, could that be why Juice hasn't said anything. I guess we'll never know whats in the heart of men. Here are a few things which caught my eye since last issue: Mike Kraus Funniest Name: LPGA Golpher Nancy Ramsbottom Coolest Name: Brian "Kato" Kaelin Wierdest Career Move:Weslie Snipes and Patrick Swayze for doing a movie which required them to dress as drag queens. Worst Career Move: Julia Sweeney leaving Saturday Night Live. Dennis Miller and John Lovitz are funny and they haven't done much. How much Pat can someone stomach? Best Summer Movie(that I've seen) True Lies Worst Summer Movie(that I've seen) Little Big League Best Letterman Guest: The guy who shot milk from his eye on Stupid Human Tricks. And Richard Simmons. Worst Letterman Guest:Sarah Bullock (Bus Driver is SPEED) She is a major air head! And I think she may have been a man. Take a look at her she has a protruding Adams Apple and her hands are big like a mans. Remember you heard it here first. And also take a good look at her face, it's femine but not truely feminine. Women have finer features. Her's are a little too hard. Maybe I'm just crazy. Best Conan O'Brien Guest:Dweezil and Ahmed (sorry if they are spelled wrong) Zappa. That Tom Jones dance is just the greatest. Worst Conan Guest: New trying to be cool band Weezer. Man they suck! Best CD I've gotten since last issue. Green Day -Dookie Worst CD I've gotten since last issue. Kiss My Ass the Kiss tribute album. When I first heard some songs I was like what song is this? I can't beleive that Kiss actually chose these groups to perform the songs. I think I could have done a MUCH better version of Rock n Roll All Night. I must say that Garth Brooks did a good job with Hard Luck Woman and Anthrax did a cool rendition of She. And another pretty bad CD is Alice in Chains EP-Jar of Flies Best Sega Game: NBA Showdown '94 Worst Sega Game: World Series Baseball!(very disapointed!) Coolest New TV Show:Tv Nation. It's true what the show advertises. They said that all the news shows such as Dateline and Day One look at things too seriously. I'm not sure if it will last but I was entertained by it. Worst New TV Show: News Weasles. Good idea for a show, the clips they use are pretty funny but the hosts comments aren't all too great. They should take some pointers from Greg Kinnear when he does his Media Bights on Later. And co sucking show is She TV. I won't even waste time telling you about it. Oddest Couple:Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley (do they get any odder?) -Mike- ******************************************* Giant Fish? By Mike Kraus I remember in my junior year of high school my science teacher telling us that due to the extreme pressure on the bottom of the ocean that there are giant squid and octopusses. He claimed that they have found whales and huge sharks with 8 foot round tentacle marks on their bodies. Does anyone out there know any more information about this? It's pretty scary to think that these really exists. He also said that the reason why we have never gotten a picture of them is because they are so deep in the ocean that we as humans are unable to go that deep. Any info on this would be appreciated. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Donuts Anyone? By Mike Kraus Well keeping with high school memories there is a certain person that I met in my senior year. He was my age but was only a junior since he had been left back years ago(which really doesn't surprise me!). Well he probably has to be the oddest person I've ever known. We used to call him "donuts" because he had an uncany resemblance to the time to make the donuts Dunkin Donuts guy. It was scary how much he looked liked him. We are still convinced that his father was indeed the man in the commercials. Well anyway what made him rather odd was he constantly told lies. And not even lies that were believable, stuff so unbelievable a 4 year old wouldn't believe him! One of the classics he told us was that when he was in 8th grade that his baseball team got to play at Shea Stadium. Now this itself is obviously a lie! The only games they let amateurs play on are usually high school championship games. They just don't let anyone come out and play. What made this story even more unbelievable was that he said he hit a homerun. Yup a little 13 year old kid in 8th gradew hit one out! There are players in the major leagues that don't hit homeruns! And these are good players such as Ozzie Smith and Luis Polonia who hardly ever hit homeruns! They hit maybe 1 homerun a year. And Alvaro Espinoza went two seasons with the Yankees without hitting a homerun! So yeah ok "donuts" you hit one out! Great! Another great thing he used to tell us about was how he would kill squirrels and birds with these home made weopons. The "weopons" he made were quite primative and cheap and hardly capable of killing a squirrel. I remember two of his weopons quite clearly. One was a bean shooter. All it was, was the cut of top of one of the pints of Sun Dew drinks with a balloon on the end. He would put little beans in the balloon pull it back and shoot them. Now ok they may have stung a bit if they hit you, but they weren't killing no squirrel. Next was his "blow gun". All this was a bic pen with the ink cartridge taken out. Then he would take a regualar pin and wrap taped paper at the end to make it a little heavy. When he attemted to shoot these "darts" 95% of them would either get stuck when he tried blowing it out or wouldn't go more than a foot away. The way he spoke of this blow gun he made it sound like it had stunning accuracy so he was able to take out a pigeon from 200 yards away. And his famous line was I shot it in the eye and it went into the brain! I'm sure all of you know someone who is quite wierd that you went to school with, work with or from whereever. I would love to hear about them. I intend to put the wierd people stories in the next issue, so if you send me a wierd person story and the person you are speaking of could potentially pummel you or if it's your boss, fire you, let me know and I'll put it anonymously. ******************************************* Why can't I remember my dreams!?! By Peter ? ================================= This is one of the most asked questions that people ask when they first begin dream work. First up, one thing should be understood. Everyone Dreams! Whether or not you remember that you do, is something else entirely, but everyone dreams. Trust me ;) One of the most popular ways to remember your dreams is to write them down. A lot of people go the extra effort of having a tape recorder by their bed so they can record them that way, but a paper and pen work fine. If you can get one of the "gravity defying" pens that write upside down, even better! When you wake up, don't move! Movement will erase the memory of your dreams. The first thing generally lost in dreams is sound (followed by sights, then feelings), so concentrate on noises you heard first. When you think you've got it right, put it on paper. Now this does take a bit of work. Give it time. Before going to sleep, tell yourself that you *WILL!!* rememer your dreams upon waking. Make it a firm affirmation...no wimping out! ;) Generally, after a short time, you'll start to remember parts of dreams. Don't get discouraged if you don't. Like any new skill, it does require practice. Write down your impressions of your dreams as well as the facts about it (what you seen, heard, what happened etc). Date them as well. Hope this helps to get you on the road to dreaming. Ancient Visitors BY Mike Royer Some of you may be familiar with the writings of Zecharia Sitchin, a Jewish scholar who claims that ancient writings found in the area of ancient Sumer and Mesopotamia indicate that there were astronauts from another planet on Earth possibly as late as 24,000 BC. These astronauts, he writes, are from a planet called Nibiru; which has a highly eliptical orbit that brings it into our solar system once every 3600 years. These astronauts set-up a base in Mesopotamia from which to gather gold from the Earth - first filtering it out of sea water, and then mining it in South Africa and South America. The gold was used to sprinkle as gold dust in the atmosphere of their planet, saving them from the harmful effects of solar radiation. They, too, were having an ozone-hole problem! These advanced astronauts, Sitchin claims, also genetically-engineered Earth humans - us - for use as slave labor in their mining operations. As time went on, these "gods" came to grant civilization and kingship to us, and the rest is (oversimplified) history. There are several interesting aspects of this story, such as how it relates possibly to the Face on Mars, but I have been thinking of it more recently in terms of religion. It seems possible to me that many of our religions may have been started by these ancient astronauts as ways of keeping a primitive people in line, and helping them to advance. It is not difficult, for example, to see the Ten Commandments as basically a moral code for a developing primitive people. These astronauts also probably allowed themselves to be worshipped as "gods", in order to guarantee stability and because that's the only way our ancestors could understand them. It would have done no good to tell a bunch of shepherds about space travel and distant planets and advanced technology! However, we are in the Space Age now. Such things are easily understood and accepted. We should be able to look at this scenario, and accept what may have very likely happened. Ancient astronauts landed here, genetically altered an evolving species into humans such as themselves, and started various cult religions as a way of providing culture and stability and for any number of their own possible political motives. At some point, these "gods" left. Also, it is possible that now they make periodic "return visits." In any case, man became self-governing. We grew up, to a certain extent. However, we never advanced any further in terms of religion. Instead, the same basic systems these astronauts set up, are still with us today. It is possible, I would suggest, that many of our great religious leaders such as Mohammed, Jesus and others; were members of this advanced civilization, and returned to Earth from within our culture to try to change or shape our religious viewpoints. Why don't they just come down in their spaceships and tell us how it is? Possibly, because they see how deeply their initial teachings have taken hold in our culture. If they initiated a dramatic landing on the White House lawn, and then further challenged us with disposal of what our religions really are, it would just be too much for many people - perhaps. So, instead, they try to influence us from within our culture. As noted in "Star Trek - The Motion Picture", we all create God in our own image. On Earth, we view God as a human. He or She surely must look like a human, understand humans and care for humans. Jesus did teach that God is like a caring parent. But God probably is not human in appearance, and we should think about what that means. What if God is more of an energy, an intelligent energy, such as "The Force" of Star Wars? How can we understand that? We can't, strictly as humans. But if we look beyond being human to what we may really be, if we ask questions such as "What is mind?", and "what happens after death?" - we may challenge ourselves to see that we are more than human. Being human may possibly be just one step in our evolution. So, then, you cannot limit God to being human; and are able to conceive of "The Creator" in other forms and terms. This would be a big step for most people right now. It may even require a quantum leap. But let's face it, it's almost the 21st century, do we want to grow up or not? Misc. Rantings..... Mike Kraus Here are a few words that just sound really cool. Look them up in your favorite dictionary: 1. Parallax 2. Rancor 3. Ilk 4. Hydra 5. Nape 6. Calends 7. Flout 8. Clangor 9. Menhaden 10. Calendula 11. Biocidal Try to fit them into your everyday conversation. I.E. Next time your at the McDonalds Drive Thru say "Hey minimum wage boy!! Give me some of those biocidal fries and a flouty burger with cheese! And make it snappy jerky!" I'm not sure if I used them in the proper context but hey it sounds pretty good! Mystery Markings By Mike KRAUS There has been something bothering me lately. What are those black things under Seals eyes? No, not the animals that balance balls on their nose. The singer. Ya know I thought that Aaron Neville had it bad with that big mole over his eye, but Seal seems to be scarred or something. Please help me solve this mystery. If Your Rich I'll Marry You! By Mike Kraus Hey ya know after seeing Tom Arnold make out like a bandit for being married to Roseanne, and Anna Nicole Smith marrying an 89 year old mega millionaire I've decided something. I don't care if you weigh 1000 pounds, are 100 years old or look like a female version of the elephant man, if you have lots of money I will marry you! I'm a nice guy and I will treat you with respect and will make you feel special. I'll buy you extravagant gifts (with your money off course) and have fun endulging myself by purchasing expensive clothers, cars, electronic equiptment, and of course alot of Sega and SNES games. Then once you die off I'll have your millions all to myself! And I will lure beautiful women with MY (yes MINE) money. Will I marry them? HELL NO! Why so they can marry me and then take my money? So anyone who has a couple million bucks (atleast) and is looking for a mate, hey you know where to reach me! I Spoke to Sirajul! By Mike "Miko" Kraus After waiting approximateky 8 months to receive tickets to see Late Night with David Letterman, Niel received them. He excitedly opened the envelope in which they were sent to him, but his excitement was short lived. He noticed the date on the ticket and it was the same day that his brother was set to graduate from high school. So I lucked out and he gave me the tickets! So I called up my buddy Tony (A.K.A. Dirty Doberman, or The Dirty One, or The White Abyss) and we were both pumped about seeing the show. Well the day of the show had arrived and we hopped on the subway (E-Train) and went to see Dave's show. We needed a nice rememberance of the event so we headed into K&L's Rock American where Mujiber and Sirajul work. We were lucky to be there while M&S were still there. The following week they embarked on their good will coast to coast tour. Well I went up to the back counter and there was Sirajul dressed in the all to familiar navy blue suite. I asked Sirajul how much for the shirts ($19.00 a pop!PLus tax) and picked up one for myself and Niel. Well Tony bought a Late Night sweatshirt and made the mistake of not asking how much they were. Well much to his and my surprise the cashier said "That will be $48.00!" Tony turned even more pale than he normally is and forked over the $48.00 for the sweatshirt. Luckily Mujiber was on the other side of the store taking someone's passport photo. Had he been around Tony may have strangled him for charging almost $50.00 for a sweatshirt! Well in all fairness they (Mujiber and Sirajul) don't own the store and probably don't make up the prices. So if you plan on going to see Letterman plan on bringing plenty of cash for souveneirs! Over all a good time was had and I would definitely do it again. Let me recommend if you send for tickets plan on a 8-10 month wait for them. PErhapsd after the newer Letterman fans stop going to see the show live, tickets will be easier to get. Very easy tickets to get are for the Conan O'Brien show. SInce Conan is relatively new they still have some trouble filling up the studio audience so tickets are given out alot less sparingly than with Dave. And for those of you whp prefer the smut and shock of talk shows another place which gives tickets out quite generously is the Richard Bey Show as well as The Maury Povich Show. Here's a list of where to write for tickets. Remember to send a postcard for tickets. Late Show with David Letterman Tickets Ed Sullivan Theater 1697 Broadway New York, NY 10019 NBC Tickets c/o Late NIght with Conan O'Brien 30 Rockefeller Plaza New York, NY 10112 The Maury Povich Show 221 W. 26th New York, NY 10001 Or call (212)989-362 Donahue Tickets 30 Rockefeller Plaza Suite 827 New York, NY 10112 Ricki Lake Tickets 401 Fifth Avenuw New York, NY 10019 Mentos Madness BY Mike Kraus Have you seen these Mentos commericials? They have to be the oddest commercials outside of ones put out by Calvin Klein. The oddest one is when the girls car gets sandwiched in between 2 cars so to get her car out she gets these 4 big guys to lift her car out of the spot. Another wierd one is when thay wierd looking lady with the stupid looking hat is searching for some teenager in a mall and he poses as a store manican and the lady walks past him. I think they may have watched too many Three Stooges episodes while filming that one. Who is dumb enough to mistake a person for a store dummy? Another one that is totally rediculous is the one with the guy who can't get back stage at a concert so he puts on a hat and walks over to the equiptment truck and grabs some gear and walks backstage. All the while the security guard who wouldn't let him in is smiling at him. Oh yeah right! In reallife 2 big 250 pound body guards would have come up and beat the tar out of the guy. Then the guy would have filed a law suit against the body guards for assaulting him. Tabatha Soren and Kurt Loder would be talking about it on MTV news and the end result would be the guy eating the Mentos would be awarded a million bucks! Let's face it we live in a wierd society! Here are some things people have said recently..... "Are you sure this is grounded?" -Niel Vuolo '92 shortly before he had 500 volts of electricity shoot through his body while installing new harware to his computer. (He hasn't been the same since folks!) "Look at those tramps wearing nothing but an ass slingshot" -My aunt after seeing girls wearing thong bikini's on the Grind from the Beach House on MTV. "How many times do I have to say it? I hate videos with words!" Beavis '93 "I am an equal opportunity abuser" '94 Jackie Mason defending his new comedy show Politically Incorrect. "In the eye and through the brain!" '90 Donut's Galleta describing how he killed a squirrel with his home made bean shooter. "Injected with enough silcon to float a luxury liner" '94 Greg Kinnear talking about plactic surgery fanatics on The Richard Bey Show. "I lent my tooth to your momma cause her's were all stained cause she been smokin'!" Guest on the Richard Bey Show. "Let's go on a crazy sleigh ride!" Insane guy who went down a hill in a cardboard box with his dog. --- Honey dew's and dont's.. by Jay Korbow On a recent visit to San Diego, I marveled at the 89 cents large honeydew melons at the local supermarket. Finally I gave in, and bought the equivalent of a New Jersey $3.99-er for my hotel room snacking. Now, one can't really open a honeydew in a hotel like a monkey (heaving it to the ground until it splits apart), so I purchased an O.J. Simpson kitchen knife. The cheapest they had was $6.95 plus tax. A friend and I had a tutty frutty, if messy, time... and it was ripe, juicy, and delicious. and sweet as.. honey... heh heh! Returning to the NJ/Philadelphia area where a friend was at the airport for a late late nite landing (that west to east time difference can really sneak up on ya), I elected to carry-on all my luggage to save time upon arrival back east. Well, surprise surprise.. my OJ Simpson knife did NOT make it thru the XRAY checker, and was finally confiscated by the authorities. I probably am on all the new terrorist lists! And my $3.99 NJ Moneydew turned out to be NOT a bargain after all; the total cost being $8. Melon-choly baby!!! ****ADIOS**** We here at the Loud-N-Proud Gazette want to know more about our readers. So please take out the time to e-mail us your answers. The answers are simple, so need to get pre-test anxiety. Should take you no longer than 5-10 minutes to complete. Results will appear in the mid-summer issue or early Fall issue depending on how many replies we get.? 1)What age group do you fall into? A)Under 18 B)18-25 C)26-32 D)33-40 E)Over 40 2)Are you male or female? 3)What is your favorite T.V. Show (currently on) 4)Worst movie you've seen. 5)Best movie you've seen. 6)Your favorite soft drink? A)PEPSi B)COKE C)SPRITE D)7-UP E)Dr. Pepper F)Other(tell us what other is) 7)What is your favorite food? 8)What is your favorite snack? 9)Who is your favorite actor or actress? 10)What state are you from? 11)Favorite pickup line. 12)Favorite musical performer. 13)Favorite athlete? 14)If you were on David Letterman's stupid human tricks, what would your stupid human trick be? 15)If you were on a desert island what three things would you want?(thanks Lisa) 16)Do you have a phobia? If so what is it? 17)Are there any questions you would like to ask out readers? 18)Favorite saying (eg.Your damned if you do, your damned if ya don't). Feel free to make up your own. 19)What vehicle would best describe your personality?(Tank,pickup truck, compact car etc..) 20)What would you like to see in the next issue of the Loud -N- Proud Gazette?(choose all that apply) A)More music reviews? B)More opinion pieces? C)More short stories? D)More TV talk? E)More interactive stuff?(EG.The 6 word stories), questionnaires..etc.) F)Your own ideas? 21)What is your favorite color? 22)Your favorite on-line face or symbol? I.E. *<:-) is a clown, and stands for grin. I'll post the results as a grouped data. So your name won't appear next to your answer. It will look something like this. Favorite Color Red-5 Blue-3 Yellow-3 White-1... 6 Word Story Here are the rules for 6 word story. Choose either of the two lists and make a story (no longer than 300 words) using the 6 words in the list. LIST 1. 1) Hot 2) Sneakers 3) Remote Control 4) Turkey 5) Phone 6) Health Department LIST2 1)Tool 2)Purple 3)Big Gulp 4)Egg Roll 5)Socks 6)Dumbell The words can appear in any order in the story and the six words should be written all in all caps. And you may use the words as many times as you like. The 5 stories that we feel are best will appear in the next issue. If we get 5 stories that is... Good luck Well folks once again we hope you enjoyed reading this. This may be the last issue of Loud-N-Proud if the repsonse doesn't pick up. It seems like alot of work and we get very little in return. So if you would like to see more issues of this FINE FINE Publication then send in your comments, articles, questionair, and 6 word stories. We really need your help. I would like to thank Mike and Peter for writing those articles for us. A few others said they would write for us but never got back to me so if you are interested in still writing let me know. If we decide to put out another issue it will probably be out around the first of the year. By then we should know if OJ will be fried, if the baseball strike is resolved, and if Michael and Lisa Marie have done the deed yet. I'm sure we will have plenty to write about during the way. One other thing before we leave is we have been thinking about putting out a paper version of the LNP Gazette. If you think you would be interested in receiving a paper copy for a minimal price, let us know. We can always be reached at KRAUSMAN@INTERCOM.COM or NIELV@AOL.COM. You may have noticed that Lisa Lewis was missing from this issue. Well she went AWOL a few months ago and we have no idea where she is! So Lisa if your reading this contact me immediatly! And last but not least, I would like to thank my buddy FUKO Jay "Bombay" Korbow. Although he can be long winded with his articles, he puts up with my nonsense almost daily and for that he deserves a medal! So J.J. thank you and for Pete's sake don't wear your sunglasses at night! We all know your a cool guy, no reason to try to impress us! Until Next Time....If there is a next time..... -Mike-