Article: 5652 of alt.zines Newsgroups: alt.zines Path: news.cic.net!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!howland.reston.ans.net!agate!darkstar.UCSC.EDU!news.hal.COM!decwrl!netcomsv!intercom!krausman From: krausman@intercom.com (Michael Kraus) Subject: Loud-N-Proud #2 Part 1 Message-ID: <1994Sep12.130913.5829@intercom.com> Organization: InterCom Online (718) 692-4414 -New York's Internet Connection- Date: Mon, 12 Sep 1994 13:09:13 GMT X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] Lines: 880 Loud-N-Proud Gazette Issue #2 September '94 ******************************************************** * * * THE KRUNKY MONKEY ISSUE * * * ******************************************************** ****Table of Nonsense**** I-Intro II-TV and Movies 1. Music Television??? 2. Why Bother? 3. Are They All the Same? 4. What's on TV 5. Real World, My Tucas! III-Sports 1. World Cup 2. NFL '94 Season 3. Mike's NFL Picks 4. Niel's NFL Picks IV- Opinions 1. No Apologies.... 2. Crack! Where it came from! 3. Boston Tea Party '94 Edition! 4. Big Mutha! 5. Unfriendly Skies. V- MISC 1. The Rating Game 2. Juice Anyone? 3. Giant Fish!?!?!? 4. Time to Make the Donuts.... 5. Remembering your dreams 6. Ancient Visitors 7. Misc. Rantings VI-ADIOS 1. Questionnaire 2. 6 Word Story 3. Parting Words(tah-tah) Welcome to issue number 2 of the Loud-N-Proud Gazette. We were very discouraged by the response we got with the first issue. Although we got a lot of people who were interested in writing articles for the zine, very few bothered to fill out the questionnaire or give us recommendations on what you want to see in future issues. And not one person sent in a 6 word story. So we put the questionnaire back in this issue along with the two, 6 word lists. We hope more of you participate this time. If anyone is new to the Loud-N-Proud Gazette and would like the first issue send me e-mail and I'll get a copy out to ya. Or if you requested the first issue and never received one e-mail me and you'll get a copy. As always we are looking for new writers all the time. As you'll see anything on our minds is what we write about. It might be about something odd that happened to you when you went to the movies or something that is in the news that interests you. I was planning on having a theme for each issue of the zine by asking people a certain question. For instance in the first issue we asked you to tell us about the dumbest thing they have ever done. But since the reader participation was so sluggish we'll put that on hold. This issue contains some of the things that happened to Niel, Jay and myself on vacation and throughout the summer. Also I rant about how terrible Saturday Night Live is, how annoying the Real World on MTV is, plus the "staffs" upcoming football season picks. Not only was I discouraged by the lack or response from people I was also VERY disapointed by Niel's lack of help. HE had all summer to write for the zine and only came up with about a page worth of stuff. Now look at all that I wrote. I figure if I publically flame him that maybe it will light a fire under him. So folks if you too would like more articles written by Niel write him some nasty e-mail at NIELV@AOL.COM and wake this lazy bum up a little. I shouldn't really expect much from him considering how lazy he is 99% of the time, but it just hurts when you ask a friend for some help and he doesn't bother to even try. I only know Jay about a year and he wrote 3 articles for me! I know Niel about 6 or 7 years and he turns out a mere 1 page. And don't let the first issue fool you. Almost all of the stuff he had written for the zine wasn't aimed for the zine. He did it for his school paper and gave it to m to put in the zine. Oh well, just another reason to stop writing the LOud-N-Proud Gazette. So if you want to see issues of this fine publication in the future everyone reading needs to help out. Not only has the zine changed a little since the last issue, but so have I! For instance I switched over from briefs to boxers. I guess my love for boxer shorts occurred after I was given a pair after the Penguins won the Stanley Cup. They were black with the Pittsburgh Penguin logo all over them in yellow. Really snazzy looking ones, which drove the chicks wild! (yeah right!) Well as you could imagine after wearing them for 4 years (no not 4 years straight!) they started to fade, and a small rip developed over near the left leg. Well while I was taking them off the other day my big toe got stuck in the hole and I wound up ripping the whole leg. So I had to throw out my Penguins boxer shorts. All I can say to my shorts (yes this is a eulogy to my underwear) is we've been through a lot together, some good times and some bad. You seemed to give enough support while not being constrictive like briefs tend to be. You just sorta allowed things to lay where they may; to move around freely! And for this, you will remain in my heart forever (well maybe for a week). I carry a small swatch of your fine black and yellow cotton in my wallet right behind my AT&T calling card and my drivers license. Sure I'll probably buy another pair of Pittsburgh Penguin boxer shorts in the near future, but they will never replace you. May you rest in peace..... Please folks just give me a second to get myself together. I'm very emotionally drained after pouring my heart out. It's tough losing something so near and dear to you! I ask all of you when you get dressed in the morning to remember my Penguins boxer shorts and stop for a moment of silence. Another change I have undergone is changing my hairstyle. It's a sorta Forrest Gump, Howie Long, Billy Idol, stop the insanity look that I just love. I like it mainly because it fits into my low maintenance hair plan. All I do is wash it slap some gel in it push it back and wammo it's done! No combing it for lengthy amounts of time, just push it back and it's done. This haircut seems to bring out the lovely deep dark brown color of my eyes which resemble Columbian coffee. Ok enough about me.... For the rest of what's in the zine I'll pass the keyboard to my good buddy Niel.....take it over buddy!!!! Well, well, well, since the last issue boy has the world changed. OJ Simpson has been on TV almost every day, Brazil is the World Cup champions, baseball has stopped, Vancouver named its basketball team, and Woodstock '94 has come and gone. And so have I, I went on vacation to Disney, started my junior year in college and taken up rollerblading. The first issue came out pretty good, I think, we were kind of disappointed that we didn't get many responses, but we'll hang in there. I'm really excited about this issue, my articles about OJ, crack, and other things large and small, wacky and normal. So enjoy , be merry, get a gigantic beverage and read. Remember kiddies spread this Zine everywhere to your friends, enemies, loved ones etc. As an extra bonus in printed form this zine is great bathroom, and or coffee table readings. Music Television???? By Mike Kraus What's wrong with MTV lately? Seems like the only thing on there worth watching is Beavis and Butthead! Between countless episodes of the Real World I, II, and now III and annoying game shows like Lip Service they leave no time for videos. Of course if you are fan of Rap or R&B then perhaps you don't mind. Seems like the only videos they show are during MTV Jams. And is it me, or is MTV Jams on for like 10 hours a day? I see more of Bill Bellamy than I really want to. I demand more Daisy Fuentes and Tabitha Soren, less Bill Bellamy and John Sensio! I keep hearing about how MTV wants to have a second MTV channel. Well folks I think they need it! Sure it's fine if they want to put shows like The Grind(Eric must die!), Dead at 21, Lip Service and the Real World on but they have to know the limits! I think a second MTV would be great as long as they didn't clutter it up with shows. Have one channel for just videos and put all those dumb shows on the other. Like I mentioned earlier Beavis and Butthead seems to be the only decent thing on! Plus all the V.J.'s are really annoying too. Whatever happened the days when Adam Curry and Martha Quinn worked 12 hour shifts? Now Martha Quinn is doing pimple cream commercials and Adam is somewhere on the Internet. At least they were interesting to listen to. Now you usually have some guy with Daisy Fuentes who is trying to act cool(only cause they want to impress Daisy). Actually John Norris is Ok because he just acts like a regular guy. He isn't using rap slang, or wearing spandex shorts he is there to introduce videos, plane and simple! Oh and lets not forget Dan Cortese. Actually Extreme Sports is one of my favorite things to watch on MTV. Especially now that they added Gabby Reece. Who is attractive but freekishly tall! Yikes! But they may be running out of ideas for extreme sports. You can't have extreme checkers, extreme tennis, or extreme frisbee. Sure we all like to see some guy on a skateboard wipe out, or a guy in a motor-cross fly off his motorcycle, but when they start having stuff like extreme beach volleyball, it sorta sickens me! Really when you look at any sport it's pretty "extreme". Think about it! Baseball players have a pitcher hurl a ball from 60 feet 6 inches away at them at speeds close to 100 mph. Football you have 300+ pound guys tackling little running backs who are running at top speed, and hockey...well you know hockey! So really the only reason I see for MTV to put the show on is to allow Dan Cortese to show off and hang out with celebrities. And now I've saved the worst for last with one word anyone can make me shreek with terror. The simple word Kennedy, makes me run in fear. No not John or Ted, the wierdo VJ with the freaky glasses! When she (is she a she?) is in the studio I can handle it, but when she is at the beach house I can't stand it! One glimpse of her fat, pasty white thighs makes me lose it. I can't believe I'm saying this but I think perhaps President Clinton in his jogging shorts is better than Kennedy in a bathing suite! Oh man! She is at a beach house all summer and manages to not get one ounce of color in her skin. Well ok maybe she progresses from pasty white to milky white! So if anyone from MTV is reading this...(yeah right), think about what you've done to the once great station. Oh and could you play the Eric Clapton and Arrested Development Unplugged show a few hundred more times? Why Waste Your Money? By Mike Kraus Ya know I was watching TV the other night and something dawned on me. Why do all these big companies like Pepsi, Budweiser, Coke, Coors, Nike, Reebok etc all advertise so much? Let's face it if you like the way Pepsi tastes no matter who Coke has as their spokesperson you'll still drink Pepsi. And the same goes for lots of products. Reebok and Nike get guys like Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and Emmitt Smith to do commercials for them. They pay them millions to come on and dunk a basketball or spin around some 320 pound lineman in a commercial. Now I don't care what they do in a commercial A) I'm still not going to be able to dunk a basketball, and B)I'm going to buy a sneaker that looks good. So I'm not making my decision from by who they have as their spokesperson I'm making my decision when I am at the shoe or athletic store. And the silliest thing (Although usually entertaining) are during the Superbowl, Olympics or any other major sporting event. Paying millions for a 30 second commercial to air during the Superbowl! Sure the spots with Michael Jordan and Larry Bird shooting for a Big Mac are great to watch but people are still going to eat at McDonalds no matter who advertises for them. Look at Wendy's! They have that Dave Thomas guy doing annoying commercials and they still draw in lots of people! So if I know that excessive advertising is a waste of money why don't these big companies see it? And if they are so insistent about spending millions a year, why not use the money for a worth while cause like donating to the Cancer Society or towards research for AIDS? There has to be a better way to use their money. Especially in the age of remote controls. I never watch commercials anymore. The second the program I'm watching goes to a commercial, I'm searching around for something else to watch till the commercials are over. Or if they still don't know what to do with the money, I'm available to do commercials for outrageous amounts of money. You know where to reach me! :) Are They All the Same? By Mike Kraus I've been watching quite a few movies lately and have discovered that almost all movies contain certain plots and scenes. Here's a list of some that I have noticed. Anyone else who thinks they see something in every movie please send them in! 1. Some girl or woman is in need of help. 2. There is some guy who acts tough and eventually saves the woman in distress. 3. A man and woman who hate each other in the beginning of a movie usually wind up having sex by the end of the movie. 4. There is always a loveable co-star who is killed by the bad guy to make the viewer mad at the bad guys. 5. A guy has a choice between a really hot girl who is bitchy or a regular looking girl who acts all goody goody. 6. There has been a murder or some other crime and the hero goes to avenge the bad guys who perpetrated the crime. 7. A dramatic love speech. Usually a guy out in the rain professing his love for some woman he has hurt. 8. A sick person or handicapped person wanting to get better so bad that they are cured or walk again. 9. Usually some punky, jerk of a guy who you hate. 10. A good car chase. OK so maybe there weren't any in a movie like the Piano but in almost every movie there is some sort of chase either by automobile, boat, or on foot. What's on TV By Niel Vuolo LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN This has blossomed into one of the most funny shows on TV. The skits are fresh and the cast of characters are wacky with tons of personality. THE STATE MTV's Quirky variety show is showing the increasingly less funny variety show dinosaur SNL a thing or two about what is funny these days. They have the best commercials showing the rather rude commentary from the press, remember NY Post people who are crap shouldn't throw rocks. ESPN 2 Not really as bad as people say, especially if you like arena football, and indoor roller hockey. The shows like "Sportsnight" bring new and inventive ways of saying that the Dallas Mavericks lost again. My one complaint is the over use of the word Deuce. SPORTCENTER They show this about 14 times in a row and pretend it's a whole new show. OJTV Its always on, you cant get away from it. It started June 17 and it seems like it would never end. WINGS I just cant get enough of this show. Twice a week on NBC and dozens of times on USA. Man its just so damn funny, I laugh, I cry, I wet myself, all while watching this show. Real World My Tucas! By Mike Kraus The Real World is so ridiculous! When will they stop? Will there be like a Real World 25 filmed from the Antarctic or something? "This week the gang is trapped in their log cabin after a 4 foot snowfall....." We all found out after the first 2 or 3 episodes that you can't put 7 strangers together to live with one another. So how much more of this do we need? Actually what is funny to me is how in the first Real World from New York they got along ok the first show. They were all excited and "buzzed" about living in that cool loft. But when I watched the 2nd Real World, Dominic, Tammy and John were fighting in the first show while driving cross country in that mobile home. Right there they should have realized that it was going to be a nightmare living together. It's especially funny when you put such different people together. You have Dominic who was basically an alcoholic, along with a Deputy Sherrif(what was her name?), a member of the young republicans (Aaron), a comedian(David?? Was that his name?), and mix in a hillbilly from Tennessee(John), Miss Sweet (Beth, who we all know was really not all that sweet. Remember what happened in the closet????), and then Miss Attitude(Tammy). Then if that wasn't bad enough they throw in a lesbian (Beth 2), and a guy in a band(Glen.Who takes baths with Beth 2!). How are they suppose to all get along? Probably the funniest thing on the show was when they all went on that desert hiking trip! And if that wasn't bad enough they hire some woman 'guide' who didn't know her way around! Wouldn't that have been great if they all got trapped in the desert? Couldn't you picture Curt Loder talking about that on MTV News? "The cast of the Real World II as well as a 3 MTV camera and audio men are missing and assumed to be dead, after getting lost in the desert!" Hmm ya know what just dawned on me? Isn't the Real World sort of like Gilligan's Island? You had Gilligan, Skipper, Mr and Mrs. Howell, Ginger, Mary Anne, and the Professor. Then on the real world you have Dom, Aaron, David, The Cop Woman(what is her name????!!), Beth, Tammy, and John. Yup 7 on Gilligan's Island and 7 on the Real World! Hmm Aaron and Cop Woman are Mr and Mrs, Howell, John is Gilligan, David is the Skipper (he liked control), Dominic is the Professor (nah not smart enough, but it will have to be), Beth 1 is MaryAnne, and Tammy is Ginger. Note:I am using the original cast and not Glen and Beth 2. However why was it that the people on Gilliagn's Island all got along pretty good, while everyone on the Real World is fighting? Hmm one of life many mysteries. ****SPORTS**** World Cup- a Literal Sporting Car Jacking by Niel Vuolo Imagine game seven of the NBA finals after going threw regulation time, and overtime the championship was decided by a slam dunk contest. Or the Stanley Cup being decided by Pavel Bure and Mark Messier taking shots at Mike Richter and Kirk McLean (maybe that wouldn't be too bad). No red-blooded American, or Canadian would stand for that. But apparently FIFA thinks its OK to decide the championship they build up to be bigger than all others when one player sails one soccer ball over the net. Although tie breaking methods like penalty shots and home- run contests can be fun and exciting, but it is like a slap in the face to the player who has been running up and down the field for two hours. In this particular game, Brazil versus Italy, no end seemed in view. It went right threw regulation and a thirty minute over- time without a single goal. Has FIFA ever heard of "Sudden Death," over-time? After the first 90 minutes just turn off the clock and wait till one team scores. Another alternative could be having many overtime periods and wait till a winner emerges. Or even call the game a draw after the designated time. And do like they do in college football and have two champions. I think most would agree both Italy and Brazil deserved to win after two intense hours of shutting out the opponent. '94 NFL! Are You Ready For Some Football? By Mike Kraus Of course I can proclaim what I am going to happen this upcoming NFL season, but of course I won't be correct. Who knows what will happen. Everyone had big hopes for the Dolphins last year and them Dan Marino goes down and misses most of the season. So don't go and bet your house on who I pick to do well this year for two reasons. 1)Nonone knows who will get hurt and if some new rookie will tear up the league. 2)I'm an idiot. I'm just a common person trying to sound good by using impressive stats and football terminology.(Don't tell anyone) Well I would have to say that the two favorites to make the Super Bowl this year are the 49'ers in the NFC and the Bills in the AFC. But of course if Steve Young gets hurt and the 49'ers are forced to use their backup Elvis. Yes Elvis is his name. It was nice when they had Steve Bono to fall back on, but alas he has signed up with Kansas City as backup to Joe Montana. But if any teams starting QB goes down for an extended period of time their going to struggle. But with Steve Young as quarterback, and receivers like Jerry Rice and John Taylor, and a strong tight end in Brent Jones, how could you go wrong picking this team? Last season Ricky Watters proved to be an up and coming running star. And lets not forget about the addition of Ken Norton Jr. as well as Gary Plummer who are two top line backers. And the Bills, what can I say but they are the best AFC team which doesn't seem to be nearly good enough to beat the NFC's best team. But as long as they have the potent offense of Jim Kelly at QB, Andre Reed, Bill Brooks, and Don Beebe, and new comer Bucky Brooks out of North Carolina as your wide outs and their leading receiver Pete Metzelaars at tight end. Not only is Metzelaars able to catch the ball, he is also a great blocker which helps with the running game. While Thurman Thomas may be a second rate running back (at least I think so) he still can run with the best of them. He may not be able to catch the ball as well as Emmitt Smith, and he choked big time in the last Super Bowl, but he remains as one of the premier running backs in the game. And although the offense of the Bills sometimes gets all the attention, lets not forget their defense! Do the names Bruce Smith, Cornelius Bennett an Darryl Talley ring a bell? Well they all rang some quarterbacks bells last year. It should be an interesting season with the 2 point conversion. I'm not sure how many coached will go for the win rather than a tie when the game is on the line, but it will keep everyone on their toes. And remember nice scores like 24-17? Well forget those, expect to see more scores like 27-15 instead. The two point conversion makes for some off point totals. How weird is it to turn on a game and have the score tied at 8? Before this season you would have had to score a touchdown miss the extra point and then score 2 for the safety. Now all you need is the handy two point conversion. Another interesting part to the season will be the rookie QB's entering the NFL. Heath Shuler will most likely start the season for Washington but I'm sure he'll get some action by the end of the season. And Tampa Bay expects things out of Trent Dilfer from Fresno St.. And Dave Brown although he's not a rookie it will be his first season in the pros as a starter. Plus so many quarterbacks this off season switched teams. Warren Moon heads to the Vikings, Keith Mitchell gets the starting job in Detroit, Kosar leaves Cleveland giving Testaverde the starting job, and the list goes on. So as usual this NFL season should be a good one. Lets hope for more touchdowns and fewer field goals, and with the referees throwing a flag for anything resembling pass interference we could very well see that. Mikes '94 NFL Picks AFC EAST NFC EAST Buffalo 12-4 Dallas 12-4 Miami 11-5 N.Y. Giants 10-6 New England 9-7 Philadelphia 9-7 N.Y. Jets 9-7 Arizona 8-8 Indianapolis 8-8 Washington 6-10 AFC CENTRAL NFC CENTRAL Pittsburgh 11-5 Green Bay 11-5 Cleveland 9-7 Detroit 10-6 Houston 7-9 Minnesota 9-7 Cincinnati 4-12 Chicago 7-9 Tampa Bay 5-11 AFC WEST NFC WEST Kansas City 11-5 San Francisco 13-3 L.A. Raiders 11-5 Atlanta 10-6 Denver 9-7 New Orleans 8-8 San Diego 8-8 L.A. Rams 6-10 Seattle 8-8 NFC Title Game 49'ers-Green Bay NFC Champs: 49'ers NFC Surprise Team: Atlanta AFC Title Game Kansas City-Buffalo AFC Champs: Buffalo Bills AFC Surprise Team: Patriots MVP Steve Young Super Bowl Champs: 49'ers Niel's NFL Picks NFC EAST NFC CENTRAL NFC WEST Cowboys 11-5 Vikings 11-5 49ers 12-4 Eagles 9-7 Packers 11-5 Falcons 10-6 Cardinals 8-8 Bears 9-7 Saints 8-8 Giants 7-9 Lions 8-8 Rams 4-12 Skins 5-11 Buccaneers 3-13 AFC EAST AFC CENTRAL AFC WEST Bills 10-6 Steelers 11-5 Raiders 12-4 Patriots 9-7 Houston 8-8 Broncos 10-6 Dolphins 9-7 Browns 5-11 Chiefs 9-7 Jets 8-8 Bengals 2-14 Seahawks 8-8 Colts 4-12 Chargers 4-12 NFC Champion- 49ers NFC Surprise- Falcons prosper under Jeff George AFC Champion- Raiders AFC Surprise- Bills lose to Patriots in first round of playoffs MVP- Jerry Rice Superbowl Champion- Raiders ****OPINIONS**** WITH NO APOLOGIES TO ANDY ROONEY... By Jay Korbow Boy, I love to COMPLAIN. You think Andy ROONEY complains, moans, and whines a lot? Well, I can top that. There is so much that goes on that I find annoying. I wonder if "that" is the "purpose of life"? To annoy us to death! Of course, it may just be me (and Andy). But then look at all the people taking Prozac, and other stuff, plus being neurotic, unkind, crazy, and basically "out of touch". So I suspect it's NOT just me.. maybe it includes you? Read on, and see how much of this small sampling you relate to. For starters, Andy ROONEY himself annoys the heck out of me. That whiny voice, that carefully constructed, often cruel and insensitive commentary on everything under the sun. And why does he get national air time? I can certainly be as annoying as he often is! Did you ever notice that (heh heh, where have i heard that before?) that he also is usually "right on"? Nothing annoys me more than complainers who are always right, and have a demeanor that indicates that. At least the complainers who are full of beans can often be managed by rointing out the inanity of their arguments. Or just tell them they are "full of beans!" Of course the "full of beans" defense can work against moaners and groaners who know their stuff. Just say: "you are full of beans" or use a more colorful phrase if your mother is not around. Of course yours truly is annoyed when someone tells me I am "full of it" and can offer no substantiating evidence. Aren't you annoyed by people who use the same idiomatic (or idiotic) phrases over and over again. Of course I never use phrases (like "of course") to excess! And of course I also never fib!! Why are all the slow drivers always in the left lane? No one seems to remember (or more accurately, no one CARES) that the first rule of the road is to "Keep Right" ... except of course (heh heh) in other countries where you "keep left"... I wonder if they have the "left of way" as a phrase there? On one of several single lane roadways in NJ (route 206), they have occasional two lane sections where you may pass up the senior citizens, ethnic road hogs, and other obstacles that have made the last 7 mile stretch of 50-mph highway a 40-mph "hell". They even have signs that say "Slower Traffic Keep Right"... Very few do. Most speed up to 48-mph, and annoyingly make the rifle attempt on the short passing stretch an unsuccessful maneuver. These are most likely the same annoying drivers who drive 10-mph below the speed limit on the single lane roads that don't have "passing sections", and then when the solid yellow divider becomes dotted (so one may pass, legally) they speed up to 50 or so and make it impossible for you to safely pass. Then the solid yellow appears, and they slow down again. YIKES! I hate buying gifts for people that have those sticky-affixed price tags. Sometimes 3 or 4 on top of each other to mark the inflationary history of the item. At home, I carefully try to pry the sticker off before wrapping the gift (gift-wrapping being another wasteful annoying tradition.) But it doesn't pry off easily; usually leaving gummy residues, leftover paper-glue sections, and tell-tear marks on the item's covering, scratches, rips, and such. Some times I just wanna leave the price tag on, and be done with it. That also helps to inform the gift recipient how much I was ripped off for the item, since they often can't imagine how much the darn thing costs. Isn't it annoying how much the cheap-looking stuff costs? One of my tricks (don't tell) is to black out the price on the seemingly permanently-affixed sticker with a magic marker; but do it just poorly enough that one could make out the price if they try to! (unless it was on sale, and I don't want them to know.) My feeling is that if they are that interested in the price to try to decipher it, let them! Oh c'mon; how many of you have NEVER looked on the back of a greeting card to see how much the card cost the sender? Are greeting cards ridiculously priced, or what? $2. and up for little more than I made in grade school with some paper and scissors. The TV GUIDE has so much trash in it... inserts, highlights, specials, and ads ads ads! It is so annoying to look up the schedule for the time you are interested in viewing. Of course, I love when it says: See Sunday 6 PM for details, or references the movie section in the back. It tells you so little, doesn't even give the weekly Nielsen rankings (I guess I have to buy "Better Homes and Gardens" for that), yet is bulky as hell, and costs plenty! I hate when people honk their horns as they leave a residence to say "ta-ta". Don't they realize horns have a specific safety purpose? And are not for greeting friends and relatives, at odd hours of the day and night, as part of a noise pollution attack on neighbors trying to get some rest, or at least some peace and quiet? Why do the lawn maintenance people begin their duties at 7 A.M.? Sure, they have a lot of work scheduled ( but are home with a cold brew by 4 P.M.) and want to avoid the hottest sun hours. But I would like to sleep some mornings; they always seem to do the lawn on my vacation days when I am trying to sleep in! And the mowers are so noisy... what about a muffler from Midas? And that crazy new contraption, the blower? Sounds like a 747. All to replace the nice peaceful broom and rake that clippings and leaves formerly had applied to them. Progress: we have gone from B-room to Vrroom! Answering machines and voice mail. Phone tag. beeps and shrew tones and whistles. A zillion phone providers and 10 zillion pricing plans. And those commercials and spokesmen! Annoying! Why do people that want to visit John Doe ring my buzzer (and plenty others) when John doesn't respond? Thanks for interrupting my nap! So I or someone let you into the building, and you knocked on John's door, and there was still no answer. Are you satisfied now? Hello, 800-Hotel-chain number (or rental car or airline), what is the most economical rate for -- Uhh, Orlando, Uhh, June 8th maybe, Uhh - No, Uhh, yes, Uhh 2 people, Uhh Uhh uhh. After the grilling that superseded my planned inquiry, they say there is no availability for the weekend rate, or discount x-y-z. Just the corporate pirate rate that goes on the expense accounts of the business traveler and has helped the 90s economy spiral places we could live without. But I just wanted to see if it was an affordable excursion; I haven't made my vacation plans yet. (And I also wanna see who has the best deal!) Oh, your computer can't give a rate without a specific day? OK, how about a cold day in Hell? If you have read this far, you are possibly as exasperated as I am! So I think I will bring this installment to an end. Besides, it's time for me to go take my Prozac! Have a nice day! (don't you hate that?) Crack Where it Came From By Niel Vuolo Back in the mid Seventies some rich white men who were running the country saw that at the rate minorities from the inner cities were beginning to rise up into a new wave of middle class so they felt it was there responsibility, to white America, to thwart this. So they found some scientists who could create some kind of new drug that could eat away at the inner city from the inside out. Then a break through! A solid form of cocaine that could be sold for very low prices. This new drug happened to be very addictive and the master plan was on the way. The conspirators planted the drugs with some petty inner city thugs. They set them up with nice cars, nice clothes, gold, and plenty of cash. The other neighborhood kids see these guys with all their nice things and they want that too. They cant get that money from home, or from working at McDonald so they start out by being a look out for the crack dealer, then they're selling it. Now instead of a dozen dealers there are a hundred. All of whom are trying to sell there stuff to every one old, young, black, white, male, female, anyone who had, or could get less than 20 dollars. With all the dealers around, turf wars begin. Over the years thousands have died in crack related shootouts. The streets have not become safe to be on, the people are like prisoners. While the dealers were getting rich, there addicts are getting worse. These hopeless addicts wandering the streets mugging , killing, begging, and selling there bodies for there precious snack. The victims have gotten younger and younger, the first generation of crack babies is getting ready for junior high school soon.