xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx X ________ ____ ___ Secrets of the Electric Eels X X \______ \ _ _ _ __ ___ \ \/ / and Other Mysteries Unravelled X X | | \ | | | | '__/ _ \ \ / ------------ X X | ` \| |_| | | | __/ / \ by Snarfblat X X /_______ / \__,_|_| \___|/___/\ \ X Xxxxxxxxxxx\/ Blender Corporation \_/xxxxxxx[DBC015(HMBB)-SB.940315]xxxxxxX Contents -------- How Ernie and Bert Came to Be What REALLY Happened When JFK Was Shot The Wall: Analysis Secrets of the Electric Eels Ever since the dawn of recorded history, electric eels have perplexed humans with their mysterious culture. Hidden from us beneath millions of tons of water, they engage in bizarre mating rituals and other obscene and confusing habits which have baffled anthropologists, oceanologists and conspiritologists throughout the ages. Most notable is their complex language - they communicate by twisting their bodies into Kanji-like characters. Until now, we could not even begin to understand these enigmas of the briny deep. Recently, however, a daring series of subaquatic expeditions by members of the Durex Blender Corporation have led to some startling discoveries. We now unearth for you... The Secrets of the Electric Eels (and other Mysteries Unravelled). - Sna 3/15/94 ============================================================================= This textfile has been brought to you by Wacky Waco Wafers. "They're from Waco!" "They're Wacky Wafers!" STOP! You're both right! Wacky Waco Wafers are from Waco *AND* are Wacky Wafers!!! ============================================================================= How Ernie and Bert Came to Be ----------------------------- You all know Ernie and Bert - they're those two puppet guys that live in an apartment on Sesame Street. You probably also have stayed up late at night breaking into a cold sweat because you couldn't figure out how they were related. Most people (besides those wagon-pushing lamers who say "Who cares, they're puppets?") say "Oh, they are gay lovers." Maybe, but if so, why do they play with toys? Perhaps they are immature gay lovers. No, because how would they pay the rent? They don't work, don't own a car and sleep in seperate beds. They can't be roommates because they are either kids or demented adults. Now that you are thoroughly confused, I will help you sort it out. Bert is Ernie's father which is why they sleep in separate beds. If you want, they can be gay and incestuous, but that's up to your sick little imagination. Bert's wife was red. In case you don't remember, Bert is yellow and Ernie is orange. Red and yellow make orange, hence Ernie's color. Bert worked in a factory for several years before he came to Sesame Street. One day, he got just a little too close to the machine that crushes steel girders into pellets the size of a grain of salt. His head was smashed into a bloody pulp and looked sort of like my mom's tomato stew. Although he was recovered alive, he could not escape the severe brain damage that accompanies all such accidents. When he came out of his coma he had regressed to the intellectual level of a small about Ernie's age. When Bert's wife realized that Bert had become a moron, she divorced him and took everything they owned (except that little brat Ernie). Unfortunately Bert and Ernie couldn't live alone, so they were put into a community for the mentally unwell: The Sesame Street Sanitorium. They met Oscar, a weird hairy man obsessed with garbage, and Big Bird, a junkie and hallucinogen user who always thought he was being followed by a brown elephant-like thing called Snuffalopagulopaloopulagus. All the real people on Sesame Street are counselors for the deranged folks who live there. Why else would they be so nice all the time? The real-life kids are trucked in from nearby towns to act as a positive influence on the patients. So that's it. Anyone who can find a flaw in this theory will be granted citizenship rights to Dumbland - because that's where he belongs. ============================================================================= Step aside, unhealthy cereals. Wheatycrisp is here. "It's wheaty!" "It's crispy!" STOP! You're both right. Wheatycrisp is both wheaty *and* crispy!!!!@!@!@@@ ============================================================================= What Really Happened When Kennedy Was Shot and How They Name Star Wars Guys ---------------------------- We all know that on November 22, 1963, President John F. Kennedy was killed by an assassin in Dallas, Texas. But who was it that killed him? Lee Harvey Oswald? Someone on the "grassy knoll"? This report is the result of a 30 year search for the truth about what happened on that day, and the details of the coverup. Dwight Eisenhower was a hero among the people of this country. But he had a nasty anal fissure. One day when it was particularly bad, he noticed that the Oval Office was glowing with a strange green light. After several minutes of confusion, he realized that the light emanated from an alien sitting at his desk. "I am Wosparatuzaxolar. I have heard of you problem and I am here to help. All I require are the souls of seven honest men. Or some really good cocaine." "Well, since this is Washington DC, I'm afraid I can't find seven honest men. However, I do have a whole lot of choice cocaine right here in my desk." He shuffled through the contents of the top drawer, and eventually found a plastic bag full of a certain white substance. "Whoops, just a condom there". Then he pulled out the coke in a packet and tossed it to the alien. "Earth man, you are healed. You must not tell the public of our existance. If you did, we would be exploited. But since we make a nice profit here in the White House, feel free to tell any politicians our secret." Ike smiled. He felt much better now. Later that day, Richard Nixon was seen tossing a strange green suit into a dumpster near Capitol Hill. When Kennedy became president, he was told of the alien and its strange cures for illnesses. He was warned not to tell the public, but being relatively honest he decided it would be best not to keep any secrets. He planned to reveal it on a number of occasions, but each time his advisors' pleas kept him silent. Lyndon Johnson knew about the alien. It had helped cure his nose hair problem. He felt that Kennedy was being foolish to share such a great and secret national treasure among the people of the country to which it belonged. Johnson held many secret meetings with Congress and the CIA. They decided that Kennedy had to be taken out of office. He was too popular to be impeached, so it was decided that he had to go "the hard way." The Mafia. Killings, lynchings, fear and greed were what they fed upon. Vinny "The Chin" Giosa was surprised to get a call from the Pentagon, yet he knew that he could not be arrested. He paid the white house phone bill, his men served dinner to the president. They took out the trash. 90% of the Secret Service was mafia. Vinny listened. He liked the idea of killing a president, especially one as well-liked as Kennedy. He agreed to do the job. Lee Harvey Oswald was not a happy camper. Nor was he a sad camper, or even an evil camper. He hated camping. He also hated America, and went to Russia to try to become a Communist. He was discharged from the Red Army with a poor record, and returned to the U.S. where he promptly joined the mafia as a hitman. Oswald was a good shot as long as he was sober. He was chosen to be the assassin and was informed of his duties. On the planned day of the shooting, Kennedy would be riding in a convertible. Oswald was to shoot Kennedy from a nearby building, while three backup assassins would stand by in the event that Oswald missed. The gunmen would then take their weapons with them and enter the basements of their respective buildings. They would follow the tunnel which had been dug the previous night, swim through the sewer lines, and climb into an escape truck through a manhole, 12 blocks away. The plan failed for several reasons. Firstly, a shot was fired from a grassy knoll before Oswald's shot. Oswald was able to fire, but his accomplices did not. They knew their cover had been blown, and they hopped down the stairs, met in the van and escaped. Oswald was not so lucky. He kept right on shooting, firing a total of 20 rounds before he was finally captured. His tunnel was not found, and all were filled in that night. The shot from the knoll did not hit the president. It was not meant to, for it was fired by none other than Folbert R. Jakes. Never heard of him? He wanted it that way. Jakes fired the shot as a warning. He was one of Dallas's finest sewer scrubbers and he knew of the tunnels that had been dug. Fearing the worst, he followed his hunch that something foul would happen soon. He kept behind a picket fence on the knoll with his shotgun. As the presidential car was passing, he noticed a glint in a window of a building. His mind raced, and his instinct was to fire. BANG! The world stopped for one moment as a bullet whizzed past Kennedy's ear. He ducked, and as his guards dove over him, the second shot, Oswald's, was fired. It hit him in the back of the head. Oswald was taken to jail. It was meant to be swift and silent, but bureaucracy is slow. Organized crime has no rules, no forms to be filled out. When news of Oswald's capture reached Vinny "The Chin", he ordered Jack Ruby to kill Oswald so he couldn't give away the Mafia, the Aliens and the Conspiracy. Ruby was at the police station 3 hours before Oswald. He stepped out of the crowd, shot Oswald in the chest, and was arrested. As Oswald gasped his last breath, the words "The Chin" passed his lips, along with a large amount of blood and drool. Every chinese person in the area was questioned, but it led nowhere. Mobs are not quick-witted. Nor are sewer scrapers. Jakes sat stunned on his grassy knoll, as he suddenly realized that he might be blamed for the assassination. He recovered quickly, dropped his gun, and mingled with the crowd until he could slip into a manhole. He was proud of his escape, yet he knew he could not show himself in Dallas again. Somebody would want him dead, so he hid beneath the streets and hopped out of a toilet in New Jersey four months later. Ruby escaped from jail easily. It was discovered that Oswald's brain- dead body was being kept alive in a hospital, so it was removed, along with all the life support equipment and taken to Vinny's crime base. Kennedy was pronounced dead, and as far as we know, he is dead. However, the eternal flame that burns over his grave has been rumored to be the chimney of a small room where he lives today, and thinks up names of Star Wars characters. Johnson got the presidency. Although politicians are a pain in the ass, they don't have any themselves. Jakes is scraping slime in Atlantic City. And Nixon can be seen wasted on coke in various alleys in Washington DC. ============================================================================= Introducing ALL NEW Lumpy Lumpkins! "They're lumpy!" "They're lumpkins!" STOP! You're both right! Lumpy Lumpkins are lumpy *and* lumpkins!!&*@@)_@_=90-))!!&%blllll ============================================================================= The Wall: An Anal Analysis -------------------------- The first word in _The_Wall_ is "so". The last word is "wall". Put together, it says "sowall" which can be broken into "sow" and "all". This fits in with the large pig that is one of Pink Floyd's trademarks. From this we can determine that Roger Waters is possessed by giant pigs from outer space. He once said in an interview, "I feel that I am possessed by giant pigs from outer space. Sow All." The first word of _The_Final_Cut_ is "tell." The last word is "end." Although it is easy to interpret this as "Tell end", since that is what the album does, the actual meaning is deeper. Mixing the letters around produces "Need LLT". Whoever figures out the meaning of the mysterious Llt shall rule the world. Some experts believe LLT is drug-related. However, this is based on the misconception that Waters used drugs, when in fact he merely chewed on used Depend(tm) undergarments. LLT may very well stand for Long Loose Toes. Roger's angst was largely the result of arthritis in his feet. His father's death was just a small additional factor. However, his father did *NOT* die in World War II. That was a cruel joke pulled by his older brother, Robert Anton Waters. His father died in a snowplowing accident in 1976. He was run over because he was sleeping in the middle of the street and the driver didn't see him. (He was a polar bear.) Anything else you hear is a lie. These are the facts. ============================================================================= Special Bonus Tidbit: Alpo has a dog food flavor called "Horsemeat and Beef By-products Dinner" ============================================================================= Secrets of the Electric Eels ---------------------------- All electric eels are left-handed. ============================================================================= This textfile has been brought to you by HappyKid Foods, Inc. A subsidiary of BioForce Pharmaceutical Testing Owned by the Durex Blender Corporation xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xX Copyright (C) 1992 by The Durex Blender Corporation and Snarfblat Xx xX All Rights Reserved. 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