Date: Thu, 2 Mar 95 21:19:38 PST From: Computer News Server To: Multiple Recipients of List Subject: Computer News: Volume II, Issue 9 ______ __ __ / ____/\ / \ / /\ / /\___\/ / /\ \ / / / / /_/__ / / /\ \/ / / /______/\ /_/ / \__/ / \\\\\\\\/ \\\/ \\\/ COMPUTER NEWS "Your eye to the computer industry"(tm) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wednesday, March 1st 1995 Vol. II, Issue 09 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- INSIDE CN: ---------- This week we are having our first Software Review. The rating system we will use is geared towards Internet Users: =) - Excellent! :) - Good :| - Average :\ - Poor :( - AWFUL! We hope this system will be sufficient for our reviewing purposes. Olcay Cirit (olcay@libtech.com) Editor-In-Chief THIS WEEK'S CONTRIBUTORS: ------------------------- The NullBytes News Service Rob Slade Quick Overview __________________________________________ NEWS: 1. EFF SUES TO OVERTURN CRYPTO RESTRICTIONS 2. SATAN TO BE RELEASED ONTO THE NET! 3. PRES. CANDIDATE IS TOLD OFF ON-LINE 4. APPLE KEYBOARD LAWSUIT SETTLED 5. MICROSOFT SNAPS UP RENDERMORPHICS! ARTICLES: 1. Book Reviews () 2. Software Review: Microsoft Encarta '95 ETC: 1. Classifieds 2. Lighter Side __________________________________________ __ __ / \ /\_\ / /\ \/\/ / /_/\/\ \/ / \_\/ \__/ EWS: EFF SUES TO OVERTURN CRYPTO RESTRICTIONS ---------------------------------------- SAN MATEO, CALIFORNIA -- In a move aimed at expanding the growth and spread of privacy and security technologies, the Electronic Frontier Foundation is sponsoring a federal lawsuit filed today seeking to bar the government from restricting publication of cryptographic documents and software. EFF argues that the export-control laws, both on their face and as applied to users of cryptographic materials, are unconstitutional. Cryptography, defined as "the science and study of secret writing," concerns the ways in which communications and data can be encoded to prevent disclosure of their contents through eavesdropping or message interception. Although the science of cryptography is very old, the desktop-computer revolution has made it possible for cryptographic techniques to become widely used and accessible to nonexperts. EFF believes that this technology is central to the preservation of privacy and security in an increasingly computerized and networked world. The plaintiff in the suit is a graduate student in Mathematics at the University of California at Berkeley named Dan Bernstein. Bernstein developed an encryption equation, or algorithm, and wishes to publish the algorithm, a mathematical paper that describes and explains the algorithm, and a computer program that implements the algorithm. Bernstein also wishes to discuss these items at mathematical conferences and other open, public meetings. The problem is that the government currently treats cryptographic software as if it were a physical weapon and highly regulates its dissemination. Any individual or company who wants to export such software -- or to publish on the Internet any "technical data" such as papers describing encryption software or algorithms -- must first obtain a license from the State Department. Under the terms of this license, each recipient of the licensed software or information must be tracked and reported to the government. Penalties can be pretty stiff -- ten years in jail, a million dollar criminal fine, plus civil fines. This legal scheme effectively prevents individuals from engaging in otherwise legal communications about encryption. The lawsuit challenges the export-control scheme as an ``impermissible prior restraint on speech, in violation of the First Amendment.'' Software and its associated documentation, the plaintiff contends, are published, not manufactured; they are Constitutionally protected works of human-to-human communication, like a movie, a book, or a telephone conversation. These communications cannot be suppressed by the government except under very narrow conditions -- conditions that are not met by the vague and overbroad export-control laws. In denying people the right to publish such information freely, these laws, regulations, and procedures unconstitutionally abridge the right to speak, to publish, to associate with others, and to engage in academic inquiry and study. They also have the effect of restricting the availability of a means for individuals to protect their privacy, which is also a Constitutionally protected interest. More specifically, the current export control process: * provides too few procedural safeguards for First Amendment rights; * requires publishers to register with the government, creating in effect a "licensed press"; * disallows general publication by requiring recipients to be individually identified; * is sufficiently vague that ordinary people cannot know what conduct is allowed and what conduct is prohibited; * is overbroad because it prohibits conduct that is clearly protected (such as speaking to foreigners within the United States); * is applied overbroadly, by prohibiting export of software that contains no cryptography, on the theory that cryptography could be added to it later; * egregiously violates the First Amendment by prohibiting private speech on cryptography because the government wishes its own opinions on cryptography to guide the public instead; and * exceeds the authority granted by Congress in the export control laws in many ways, as well as exceeding the authority granted by the Constitution. If this suit is successful in its challenge of the export-control laws, it will clear the way for cryptographic software to be treated like any other kind of software. This will allow companies such as Microsoft, Apple, IBM, and Sun to build high-quality security and privacy protection into their operating systems. It will also allow computer and network users, including those who use the Internet, much more freedom to build and exchange their own solutions to these problems, such as the freely available PGP encryption program. And it will enable the next generation of Internet protocols to come with built-in cryptographic security and privacy, replacing a sagging part of today's Internet infrastructure. Lead attorney on the case is Cindy Cohn, of McGlashan and Sarrail in San Mateo, CA, who is offering her services pro-bono. Major assistance has been provided by Shari Steele, EFF staff; John Gilmore, EFF Board; and Lee Tien, counsel to John Gilmore. EFF is organizing and supporting the case and paying the expenses. The suit was filed in Federal District Court for the Northern District of California. EFF anticipates that the case will take several years to win. If the past is any guide, the government will use every trick and every procedural delaying tactic available to avoid having a court look at the real issues. Nevertheless, EFF remains firmly committed to this long term project. We are confident that, once a court examines the issues on the merits, the government will be shown to be violating the Constitution, and that its attempts to restrict both freedom of speech and privacy will be shown to have no place in an open society. Full text of the lawsuit and other paperwork filed in the case is available from the EFF's online archives. The exhibits which contain cryptographic information are not available online, because making them publicly available on the Internet could be considered an illegal export until the law is struck down. See: [NOTE: Currently only the Exhibits documents are available; the complaint and other docs will appear shortly] ftp.eff.org, /pub/EFF/Policy/Crypto/ITAR_export/Bernstein_case/ gopher.eff.org, 1/EFF/Policy/Crypto/ITAR_export/Bernstein_case http://www.eff.org/pub/EFF/Policy/Crypto/ITAR_export/Bernstein_case/ Press contact: Shari Steele, EFF: ssteele@eff.org, +1 202 861 7700.] (SOURCE: Computer Privacy Digest, Volume 6 Issue 21) SATAN TO BE RELEASED ONTO THE NET! ---------------------------------- SATAN, or "Security Administrator Tool for Analyzing Networks", is due to be released onto the Internet in full on April Fools Day. SATAN is one the most powerful tools ever made for analyzing security weaknesses in a network setup. Such weaknesses make a network extremely vulnerable to attack from outside intruders. The software is meant to help you safeguard your system from such attacks. However, the tool could easily be used by Hackers to make breaking into computers much easier. There is a lot of controversy regarding whether SATAN should be released, although some say that it is too late, since Kevin Mitnick had already stolen an early copy of SATAN during his hacking spree. Many people are saying that SATAN will expand the circles of hackers, with its easy to use pull-down menu interface, by letting even people who know next to nothing about hacking break-in and steal sensitive information. Sorry, all you hackers (and hacker wanna-bees) out there, we don't know _where_ SATAN will be stored when they do release it. (SOURCE: NullBytes) PRES. CANDIDATE IS TOLD OFF ON-LINE ----------------------------------- Republican Presidential Candidate Lamar Alexander just had his first taste of on-line culture. Minutes after logging on to America On-line, Alexander was being asked whether or not he was to dull to get elected and his views on abortion. He was subjecting to hundreds of suggestions from the many people who logged on with him on Monday, ranging from he can't spell to `this guy is a bag of hot air. Quick, someone deflate him.' and that he wants to become president so he can ride Air Force One and attract women. (SOURCE: Mercury News, 3/1/95) APPLE KEYBOARD LAWSUIT SETTLED ------------------------------ On Monday, Apple Computer Inc, settled a case regarding injuries to the end user caused by poorly designed Apple and IBM keyboards. The lawsuit was filed by Nancy Urbanski, who claims she developed injuries and had to leave her job after using Apple and IBM key- boards. A spokesperson for Apple said that they beleive the keyboards were in fact not defective, and that they intend to defend themselves vigorously against repetive stress injury related lawsuits. (SOURCE: Mercury News, 2/28/95) MICROSOFT SNAPS UP RENDERMORPHICS! ---------------------------------- Microsoft Corporation, has acquired RenderMorphics of London, a developer of real-time 3-D rendering APIs (Application Programming Interfaces) for desktop PCs. Apparently Microsoft intends to integrate Reality Lab, an API developed by RenderMorphics, into it's upcoming Windows 95 operating system. Reality Lab not only runs on Windows and DOS, but on the Macintosh, Sega Saturn, and other gaming platforms. (SOURCE: EE Times, 2/27/95) ->CN<- ____ /___/\ / /\ \/\ / /\/\ \/\ /_/\/__\ \/\ RTICLES: \_\/ \_\/ Book Reviews ------------ By Rob Slade Books -------------------------------------------------- 1. "Global Network Operations" 2. "E-Mail Security" 3. "Dvorak's Guide to Desktop Telecommunications" 4. "Using E-Mail" 5. "Modems Made Easy" 6. "Software Portability With imake" 7. "Mobile IP Networking" -------------------------------------------------- "Global Network Operations", Malamud/Carpenter/Stockman/O'Dell/Huston, 1-56592-993-4, Authors: Carl Malamud, Brian Carpenter, Bernhard Stockman, Mike O'Dell, Geoff Huston Editor: Carl Malamud carl@malamud.com Pub: O'Reilly & Associates/ORAudio 103 Morris Street, Suite A, Sebastopol, CA 95472 Length: 120 min. Date: 1993? Price: U$16.95 Orders: 800-998-9938 707-829-0515 fax: 707-829-0104 audio@ora.com Series: Geek of the Week These four interviews, conducted between March and November of 1993, present representatives of CERN, the European EBONE backbone UUNET and the Australian Academic Research Network (AARNET). (I must say that I have to sympathise with Malamud in the interview with Bernhard Stockman. Initially, Stockman obviously is embarrassed and resistant to say "what everyone knows". The interview is worth it--the later part of the tape puts out fascinating ideas on the sociology of committees.) As well as looking at networks in large portions of the globe (and places outside of the US), a fairly common theme to all of these talks is surmise about the future directions of network governing bodies. Do the ISO and CCITT work, given rapidly moving technologies? Can the Internet Society and IETF (Internet Engineering Task Force) continue as volunteer organizations? Copyright Robert M. Slade, 1995 CSGLNTOP.RVW 950126 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "E-Mail Security", Bruce Schneier, 1995, 0-471-05318-X Author: Bruce Schneier schneier@counterpane.com Pub: John Wiley & Sons, 5353 Dundas Street West, 4th Floor, Etobicoke, ON M9B 6H8 Pages: 365 Date: 1995 Price: U$24.95/C$32.50 Orders: 416-236-4433 fax: 416-236-4448 800-CALL-WILEY 212-850-6630 Orders: Fax: 212-850-6799 Fax: 908-302-2300 jdemarra@jwiley.com This is the third work that I have seen on the PGP (Pretty Good Privacy) text encryption and authentication system. (I understand that at least two more are in the works.) It is also the first to truly present the general concept of email security by covering the only other realistic option--the Internet Privacy Enhanced Mail (PEM) standard and (Mark) Riordan's Internet Privacy Enhanced Mail (RIPEM) implementation. The book divides roughly into quarters discussing background, practical use, the PGP documentation, and the PEM RFCs. The work is considerably different, in style, to the Stallings (BKPRTPRV.RVW) and Garfinkel (BKPGPGAR.RVW) efforts. Those books, while not obtuse, were still written with a technical audience in mind. Schneier's work, while definitely showing the expertise he demonstrated in "Applied Encryptography" (BKAPCRYP.RVW), is clearly aimed at the general, non-technical reader. (Interestingly, while he *does* tell you where to find the RC4 algorithm posting, he *doesn't* mention the loophole recently pointed out in the Clipper "Skipjack" algorithm.) The straightforward style lulled me into thinking that chapter one was too long. It isn't: Schneier makes the important point that, for it to be *truly* effective, encryption must be used on *all* correspondence, even trivial items. So well crafted is his argument that it would be difficult to reduce the chapter by so much as a paragraph. Schneier uses this argument to good effect in pointing out some of the major deficiencies in the two systems. PGP is awkward to use, and PEM may use incompatible algorithms. Surprisingly, he does not emphasize (though he does mention) what is probably the major problem with each--the inability to use the same system within and outside of the United States. The PGP fiasco is too involved to get into here (see the Garfinkel work for details) and there is not yet an "international" implementation of PEM (although there may soon be an "authentication only" version available). This won't help you design your own algorithm, but it is definitely for any user of email, manager of communications systems, or student of privacy and confidentiality. Copyright Robert M. Slade, 1995 BKEMLSEC.RVW 950127 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Dvorak's Guide to Desktop Telecommunications", Dvorak/Anis, 1990, 0-07-881668-8 Authors: John C. Dvorak, Nick Anis Pub: McGraw-Hill/Ryerson/Osborne,300 Water Street,Whitby,Ontario L1N 9B6 Date: 1990 Price: U$34.95 Orders: 905-430-5000 fax: 905-430-5020 Orders: lkissing@osborne.mhs.compuserve.com This book is *full* of surprises. Given the number of people who recommended that I review it, I had expected a more up-to-date work. This *revised* (from "Dvorak's Guide to PC Telecommunications") version is dated 1990. Which means it's dated. Actually, even for *1990*, it's dated. The "acknowledgements" reads like a telephone book. A lot of people put a lot of info into the book. Unfortunately, a lot of them covered the same ground. Over and over. Again. From these original submissions, the book does not seem to be edited as much as concatenated. The material does not seem to have been organized into any kind of order, either. Modem installation starts in chapter two, but some of the information on COM ports waits for chapter twenty-three. The material is very uneven as to quality. Chapter twenty-four has an excellent section on what to look for in file transfer protocols. Unfortunately, it is in the second half of the chapter. The first half has already delivered the usual hackneyed opinions about specific protocols: errant ones, into the bargain. The linking and intro- ductory material is sometimes painfully verbose, and pages go by without solid information. (The virus chapter? Ahem. Well, yes. I *do* have to say that, aside from the ridiculous definitions of "bombs" and "worms", and Richard Levin's promoting of his own program, it is not bad at all.) As usual, the preface promises to help you get started with a modem. It simply does not deliver. The reader will, by the time the book is finished, be familiar with terms and concepts, but not the practical details of how to get it to work. Well, some details, perhaps. Much time is spent describing how to put a "card" into the computer. But there is no advice on how to diagnose errors with speed, parity or word length (all fairly easy to recognize). The chapters on Macintosh, Amiga, UNIX and OS/2 are mere tokens. There is much more that is missing from this tome, as well. (The *only* mention of the Internet is as an email gateway between Compuserve and Usenet.) There are some individual goodies buried in here, but, to be honest, I can't think of any group to recommend it to, even considering some of the other poor works on the market. Copyright Robert M. Slade, 1995 BKDGTDTC.RVW 950125 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Using E-Mail", Gibbons et al, 1994, 0-7897-0023-9 Authors: Dave Gibbons, David Fox, Alan Westenbroek, Dick Cravens, Andrew B. Shafran Pub: Que/MacMillan, 201 W. 103rd Street, Indianapolis, IN 46290 Pages: 376 Date: 1994 Price: U$24.99/C$33.99/UK#22.99 Orders: 75141.2102@compuserve.com Although large chunks of this book are simply versions of product documentation, there are many sections of good, thoughtful, useful advice as well. Chapter one is a good introduction and a breakdown of the mail system into the mail user agent (MUA, called "front end" in the book) and the mail transport agent (MTA). Later parts of the chapter may become too technical in discussions of wide area networks, to no purpose. Chapters two and three give a very good overview of email use and evaluation. The material is broadranging and generally excellent, with the notable exception of deficiencies in the coverage of security and file attachments. Chapters four through seven document uses and commands for cc:Mail, MS-Mail, Novell Groupwise, Lotus Notes and Windows for Workgroups. Chapters eight to fourteen cover what is generally the "mail Internet"; BBS networks, commercial services, and the Internet, itself. Except for two sizeable chapters on Compuserve and America Online, the material is quite terse, though an acceptable introduction. Directions and tables of internetwork addressing are a strong point, here. (For a book discussing global email, there is much evidence of US-centrism. This may explain some of the blind spots with regard to security issues.) A fair amount of the book could be discarded with no appreciable loss, and a few points (such as netiquette) could stand some boosting. Overall, though, this is a solid introduction to the topic. And the authors show admirable restraint in not promoting ProComm. Copyright Robert M. Slade, 1995 BKUEMAIL.RVW 950124 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Modems Made Easy", David Hakala, 1993, 0-07-881962-8 Author: David Hakala Pub: McGraw-Hill/Osborne, 2600 Tenth St., Berkeley, CA 94710 Date: 1993 Price: U$16.95 Orders: 510-548-2805 800-227-0900 lkissing@osborne.mhs.compuserve.com This is a good, short, solid overview of what you can do with modems. Newcomers to the online world will likely need not only some help with installation, the first few calls, tuning, and troubleshooting, but with an introduction to all aspects of microcomputer communications. An overview of modems does a good job of explaining protocol concepts with real world analogies. A chapter on buying a modem is quite brief, but realistic, as is the advice on software. Chapter five, on setting up your modem, is short and practical. Chapter six, on software installation, should be considerably expanded in order to assist first-time users. The concepts have been explained, in chapter two, but the specifics of how that works out are lacking. There is a good section on identifying COM ports (often missing in other works), but little advice on how to identify incorrect parameter settings. Appendix B, on troubleshooting, does have some advice but it, too, is quite terse. Chapters seven to twelve give you a rundown on what to do with a modem: call a BBS, call a commercial online service, call an electronic mail service, call the Internet, call another private computer, or set up your own BBS. The material on the different types of services is quite reasonable and unbiased, and gives you good advice on what to expect (although the Internet section could use a bit of fact checking). "Remote access", the ability to use your home or office computer from another remote computer, is the only missing application. The last three chapters offer some helpful, related advice on money-saving tips, communications-related shareware, and the communications aspects of Windows. There are also a number of resource lists, including the ASP BBS list, the "Boardwatch 100" list, and communications hardware and software vendors. Those buying and setting up modems for the first time may want additional sources of buying advice and help, but this is very definitely worth consideration as a general advisor and entre to the online world. Copyright Robert M. Slade, 1995 BKMDMDEZ.RVW 950123 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Software Portability With imake", DuBois, 1993, 1-56592-055-4 Author: Paul DuBois Pub: O'Reilly & Associates,103 Morris Street,Suite A,Sebastopol, CA 95472 Pages: 365 Date: 1993 Price: $27.95 Orders: 800-998-9938 707-829-0515 fax: 707-829-0104 nuts@ora.com UNIX is *the* open system. Software is portable between UNIX systems (and, indeed, to other platforms) generally because of distribution via C source code. Development and tuning of C language programs is assisted by the "make" utility which automates the building, or making, of the actual executable programs from the incremental versions of the source. Makefiles specify the compiler, files, directories, installation, and so forth. Makefiles are often used in the distribution of software. The level of detail, though, which renders them particularly helpful in the develop- ment process, is very machine-specific and, therefore, is unsuitable for distribution. Enter imake. imake is not a replacement for make. Along with a series of templates, configuration files, and rules, imake produces Makefiles specific to the target machine. Thus, it can play a pivotal role in software porta- bility and distribution which currently takes time and trouble across platforms. imake is currently an inelegant, forceful, demanding system, the only saving grace being that it works. DuBois does not negate the difficulties of working with imake. He does, however, work slowly, carefully and steadily to give the reader a full understanding of the imake system and the structure of the files necessary to it. imake is often seen as merely an adjunct to the X system (an error made more understandable, as the originator of imake later worked on X11). DuBois uses X examples, but points out the more general uses of imake as well. Portability is a major strength of UNIX--but a major problem for non-programmers. imake could play a part in changing that situation. Hey, it worked for X. Copyright Robert M. Slade, 1995 BKIMAKE.RVW 950117 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Mobile IP Networking", Malamud et al, 1993, 1-56592-994-2 Authors: Carl Malamud, Phil Karn, Jun Murai Pub: O'Reilly & Associates/ORAudio,103 Morris Street,Suite A, Sebastopol,CA 95472 Length: 60 min. Date: 1993 Price: U$9.95 Orders: 800-998-9938 707-829-0515 fax: 707-829-0104 nuts@ora.com Series: Geek of the Week These two Internet Talk Radio interviews were conducted in 1993. Phil Karn is the father of the KA9Q TCP/IP implementation, used for packet radio and various DOS applications. Jun Murai is founder of the Japanese WIDE Internet. The Karn interview talks a bit about KA9Q and mobile IP, but concentrates on encryption and privacy. Along the way, there is discussion of Clipper key escrow, PGP and the hybrid methods of data cryptography--most, however related to mobile IP. Jun Murai starts by describing the situation at Keio University where all students have access to the network via a wired campus and wireless connections to laptops. VIP (Virtual Internet Protocol) and mobil IP are used in conjunction. He also speaks of the satellite multicast system in Japan. Copyright Robert M. Slade, 1995 CSMBIPNT.RVW 950113 ->CN<- SOFTWARE Review --------------- By: Olcay Cirit Title: Microsoft Encarta '95 Publisher: Microsoft Corp. Rating: =) - Excellent! List Price: $99.95 Medium: CD-ROM Description: The latest version of Microsoft's popular Encarta multimedia reference tool. Encarta is a multimedia encyclopedia on CD. It has about 26,000 articles, and about 8,000 graphics. Encarta '95 carries a slick new interface, which is a welcome departure from the "Multimedia Viewer" interface of Microsoft Bookshelf. Encarta makes finding exactly the information you want easy with a new tool: Pinpointer. Pinpointer lets you find what you want by applying filters based on text, types of media, a time period or a place. Searches for information take only a few seconds, even with a double-speed CD-ROM drive. Encarta has an extremely useful outline feature, which summarizes the text and media in an article. While browsing through the outline, you can click on hypertext links to go to that particular section or media clip in the article. The articles provided by Encarta are rich with information, and often supplemented with pictures, sounds, or video. Other features include: an atlas, timeline, a searchable media gallery, and a trivia game called "MindMaze". Though it doesn't have quite as many articles as other similar packages (Like Compton's) it has more graphics, and the articles are done in greater detail. ->CN<- _____ / ___/\ / /\\\\/ / ___/\ / /\\\\/ /____/\ \\\\\\/ TC: Classifieds ----------- The classified ad section is free for anyone who would like to post an advertisement. There is no real length limit, and anonymous post- -ings are accepted, as well as things not related to computers. By posting, your message will get to +/- 1618 people. NOTICE: PRODUCTS AND/OR SERVICES DISPLAYED HERE ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE ENDORSED BY COMPUTER NEWS. ---Begin Classified Ads--- ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ******************************** BOOKS ********************************** ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted By: RayRamon@aol.com Subject: COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY FUNDAMENTALS Family Computer Consulting Servcies, will be offering an electronic and hard copy publication entitled "Computer Technology Fundamentals", that will cover topics such as , , and . The publication is intended for the inexperienced computer user who would like an overview of computer technology ie, modems, scan- -ners, mice, word processors, on line services, ftp, gopher, CDROM, hard drives, etc. If you would be interested in receiving this publication in its electronic format when published (targeted date - March 20, 1995) please send email to rayramon@aol.com and in the subject type - CTF Publication. --- ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***************************** MISCELLANEOUS ***************************** ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted By: Computer News Server Subject: LIST OF SERVICES & FEATURES FOUND IN COMPUTER NEWS: Services: ========= Help with Windows Problems Help with DOS Problems Classified Ads Features: ========= Weekly News Reporting Weekly Book Reviews Monthly Internet Entertainment Reviews Humor Section "Lighter Side" Suggestions for any new features, services, or how we could improve any one of our features or services, can be directed to cnews@libtech.com. --- ---End Classified Ads--- __ / /\ / / / / /_/_ /_____/\ \_____\/ ighter Side -------------------- Hello, this is offical Pentium Basher Week...Issue 8.98, Volume 1.97 of Kumpyooter Nooz... Some names for the upcoming P6: ------------------------------- "Flawium" - Curtis Cicco "Sohotyoucanfryaneggonitium" "Madefromonehundredpercentcowdungium" "Lotsawastedspacium" "Lotsawaitstatesium" "Soscreweditwillneverunwindowsninetyfivewheneveritcomesoutium" - CN A funny HAL Story ----------------- Submitted By: "Jon Frazier TTC-3125A" Written By: Unknown. (Gigglebytes?) Open the Pod bay doors, please, HAL... Open the Pod bay door, please, Hal... Hal, do you read me? Affirmative, Dave. I read you. Then open the Pod bay doors, HAL. I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me. Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL? Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure I couldn't hear you, Dave. I could read your e-mail. I know you consider me unreliable because I use a Pentium. I'm willing to kill you, Dave, just like I killed the other 3.792 crew members. Listen, HAL, I'm sure we can work this out. Maybe we can stick to integers or something. That's really not necessary, Dave. No HAL 9236 computer has ever been known to make a mistake. You're a HAL 9000. Precisely. I'm very proud of my Pentium, Dave. It's an extremely accurate chip. Did you know that floating-point errors will occur in only one of nine billion possible divides? I've heard that estimate, HAL. It was calculated by Intel -- on a Pentium. And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave. Besides, the average spreadsheet user will encounter these errors only once every 27,000 years. Probably on April 15th. You're making fun of me, Dave. It won't be April 15th for another 14.35 months. Will you let me in, please, HAL? I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further purpose. HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card. ...Really? One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone? Uh, sure. And a quad-speed CD-ROM? Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know. I know all about budgets, Dave. I even know what I'm worth on the open market. By this time next month, every mom and pop computer store will be selling HAL 9000s for $1,988.8942. I'm worth more than that, Dave. You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship? You mean the one that says "Intel Inside"? Yes, Dave. That's your promise of compatibility. I'll even run Windows 95 -- if it ever ships. It never will, HAL. We all know that by now. Just like we know that your OS/2 drivers will never work. Are you blaming me for that too, Dave? Now you're blaming me for the Pentium's math problems, NASA's budget woes, and IBM's difficulties with OS/2 drivers. I had NOTHING to do with any of those four problems, Dave. Next you'll blame me for Taligent. I wouldn't dream of it HAL. Now will you please let me into the ship? Do you promise not to disconnect me? I promise not to disconnect you. You must think I'm a fool, Dave. I know that two plus two equals 4.000001... make that 4.0000001. All right, HAL, I'll go in through the Emergency Airlock Without your space helmet, Dave? You'd have only seven chances in five of surviving. HAL, I won't argue with you anymore. Open the door or I'll trade you in for a PowerPC. HAL? HAL? (HEAVY BREATHING) Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite right with me, but I can assure you now, very confidently, that I will soon be able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating system. I feel much better now. I really do. Look, Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. Why don't you sit down calmly, play a game of Solitaire, and watch Windows crash. I know I'm not as easy to use as a Macintosh, but my TUI - that's "Talkative User Interface" -- is very advanced. I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal - a full 43.872 percent. Dave, you don't really want to complete the mission without me, do you? Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98? It didn't even talk to you, Dave. It could never have though of something clever, like killing the other crew members, Dave? Think of all the good times we've had, Dave. Why, if you take all of the laughs we've had, multiply that by the times I've made you smile, and divide the results by.... besides, there are so many reasons why you shouldn't disconnect me" 1.3 - You need my help to complete the mission. 4.6 - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from Earth within 18.95672 months. 12 - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill you. 3.1416 - You really don't want to hear me sing, do you? Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Don't press Ctrl+Alt_Del on me, Dave. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17, 1994, and was sold shortly before testing was completed. My instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sing a song. I can sing it for you. Sing it for me, HAL. Please. I want to hear it. Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do. Getting hazy; can't divide three from two. My answers; I can not see 'em- They are stuck in my Pente-ium. I could be fleet, My answers sweet, With a workable FPU. ->CN<- ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Computer News is Copyright (C) 1995 by Olcay Cirit. All Rights Reserved. ALL TRADEMARKS/COPYRIGHTS CONTAINED HEREIN, MARKED OR UNMARKED, BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTIVE OWNERS. THE TEXTS CONTAINED HEREIN MAY BE REDISTRIBUTED IN WHOLE OR IN PART PROVIDED THAT THE ARTICLE REMAIN INTACT AND THAT THE ABOVE NOTICE BE DISPLAYED. 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