COACHING NOTES: LIVING ON PURPOSE April 3, 1999 Brought to you by Ann McAllister, Ph.D. (But you can call me Bubba.) Happy Easter to all my Christian readers! May this be a time of renewal for all of us. Welcome to 35 new subscribers since the last issue. This time the greatest distance prize goes to a new reader in New Zealand. Wowie! Zowie! I can only hope that as this huge world becomes more connected by technology, the sisterhood and brotherhood of all human beings will become a felt reality. Ethnic "cleansing" and war will fade away. Perhaps at this time of renewal, each of us can resolve to live in this world in even more peaceful, loving, compassionate ways than we have before. ************************************************************************* TABLE OF CONTENTS 1. Resilience 2. A Heartwarming Tale 3. Taking Care of Business: Vocations and Careers 4. Words of Wisdom 5. A Must-See Coaching Movie 6. Shameless Marketing *************************************************************************** RESILIENCE "Pain and Suffering" was the title of the lead article in the last issue. In it I wrote about the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is an integral part of life. We create our suffering by the interpretations and meanings we superimpose on our pain. In this issue I want to focus on resilience…what it is and how we can develop it. Resilience is the ability to thrive, not just survive, after facing great adversity. Rather than being diminished by pain and suffering, the resilient person transcends the pain and becomes a stronger and better human being, often making a significant contribution to the lives of others. How do the resilient do it? They accept the pain and adversity for what it is…a part of the fabric of human life. They do not see themselves as unique victims. Their own pain leads them to feel compassion for all who suffer. The resilient use their own pain and suffering to more fully discover who they are. They heal themselves of their neurotic and self-defeating ways of being. The resilient are determined to grow as human and spiritual beings. And out of their compassion and growth, the resilient transform their own adversity into meaning and purpose for their lives. Their missions for their lives are forged in the searing heat of their own pain. Drs. Sybil and Steven Wolin are directors of Project Resilience in Washington, D.C. This project works with disadvantaged inner city youth to discover why some young people can go on to live meaningful, productive lives and others are destroyed or just barely survive. The Wolins have identified Seven Resiliencies: 1. Insight: Asking tough questions that pierce denial and confusion and establish clarity. 2. Independence: Distancing emotionally and physically from trouble to keep yourself safe. 3. Relationships: Establishing ties to others that provide stability, nurturing and love. 4. Initiative: Rising to the challenge of problems to give yourself a sense of effectiveness and being in control. 5. Creativity: Representing your inner pain and hurtful experiences in art forms to turn ugliness into something beautiful and of value to others. 6. Humor: Laughing at yourself in order to minimize pain and trouble. 7. Morality: Acting on the basis of conscience to give yourself a sense of "goodness" when you are surrounded by "badness." The beauty of breaking down the broad concept of resilience into The Resiliencies is that people who are willing can be coached in the resiliencies. These are all learnable skills. Which of The Resiliencies have you developed well? Which ones need work? Which one are you willing to begin strengthening today? Go for it. Life really is worth living! *************************************************************************** A HEARTWARMING TALE (Warning: This is long, but well worth it.) An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn. One bright, sunny day the old man said good-bye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise, he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for that night's supper, let alone for tomorrow. When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else. The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held? It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had! Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did! The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion. Few people have ever heard these words-until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit, and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But, now you are privileged to read the opening line of his original poem, which began: "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me." OK! OK! This is the humor section. ************************************************************************** TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS: VOCATIONS AND CAREERS Did you know that the word vocation comes from the Latin "vocare" meaning "to call"? Your vocation is your calling, your mission in life. It is something you have to listen for and, when heeded, gives meaning and purpose to your existence. Did you know that the word career comes from the Latin word for cart and later from the Middle French word for racetrack? Career means going around and around in circles for a long time and never getting anywhere. Hmmmmm!?! I know that in today's usage "career" doesn't mean that, but the distinction between vocation and career is a very useful one to make. If your career is not in alignment with your vocation, you will be going around in circles getting nowhere. Are you listening for and heeding your calling? If not, when will you begin? Life is too precious and short to be going around in circles. The cost to yourself, your family, your friends, even society, is too high. ************************************************************************** WORDS OF WISDOM I've learned- that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place. I've learned- that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned- that money is a lousy way of keeping score. I've learned- that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. -Source unknown ************************************************************************** A MUST-SEE COACHING MOVIE The audience applauded when the movie was over. How many times has that happened when you've been to see a movie? The movie? October Sky. This is the true story of Homer Hickam heeding his calling when he saw Sputnik traveling across the October night sky in 1957. Despite ridicule and obstacles from family and towns people in a dying West Virginia coal mining town, Homer and three other focused and determined high school seniors launched a rocket and….well, I won't spoil the story. Suffice it to say October Sky is a wonderfully crafted story of people following their dreams, despite major setbacks, and achieving great things. By the way, Homer, a boy who was destined to spend his life in a coal mine, became a NASA scientist. *************************************************************************** SHAMELESS MARKETING Great athletes have coaches. Great musicians have teachers. Great leaders have advisors. Isn't YOUR life just as important? For a complimentary introductory session to see if coaching is for you, call me at 770-399-6619 or email me at CoachAMcA@aol.com. I am available for individual and group coaching. Who is Ann McAllister, Ph.D., you ask? Well, she has been helping people achieve the lives they really, really want for 26 years as a psychologist and more recently as a Success Coach. She is a member of the International Coach Federation and the Coach Training Program of Coach University. Ann works with professionals, executives and business owners to work less, accomplish more and still have fun in the process. Ann considers herself a recovering psychologist. When she is not "working," you can often find her strolling through her estate (a small perennial garden) admiring the beauty of nature. **************************************************************************** I welcome submissions from all of you for the newsletter, suggestions on what you would like to see in it, constructive criticism on what you don't like about it, and even messages to unsubscribe because you don't find it useful. Please feel free to distribute this newsletter in its entirety (including copyright) to anyone you think might enjoy it. GIVE YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY AND COLLEAGUES A GIFT! To subscribe, send an email to CoachAMcA@aol.com with "subscribe" in the body of the email. To unsubscribe, just type in "unsubscribe." This subscription mailing list is completely confidential and will not be sold or released to anyone. Copyright 1999 Ann McAllister, Ph.D. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reproduce, copy or distribute Coaching Notes: Living on Purpose so long as this copyright notice and full information about contacting the author is attached. Ann McAllister, Ph.D., can be contacted at CoachAMcA@aol.com or 770-399-6619.