Steve Wright quotes
%%
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space.  On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
 -- Steve Wright
%%
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".  So
I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.
It's in the apartment somewhere.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
I installed a skylight in my apartment....
The people who live above me are furious!
 -- Steve Wright
%%
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night.
I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...  The other night I
laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it
looks like I'm the only one moving.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
I had to stop driving my car for a while...  the tires got dizzy.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
A cop stopped me for speeding.  He said, "Why were you going so fast?"
I said, "See this thing my foot is on?  It's called an accelerator.  When you
push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine.  The whole car just takes
right off.  And see this thing?  This steers it."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the
shore looking like an idiot.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
and you think there's one more step?  I'm like that all the time.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They
	said, "What for?"  I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that
	much time.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
	Boy With Pail...  Kitten On Fire.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big
	buffet in the shape of an Ouija board.  You'd think about what
	kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor
	to it.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
	in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything
	specifically.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked
	me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's.  The
	clerk said, "ten-four."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet
	supplies".  So I did.  Then I went outside and saw a sign that
	said "compact cars".
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got
	there, the guy was locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the
	sign says you're open 24 hours."  He said, "Yes, but not in a
	row."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They
	ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything
	I'd like?"  Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra
	medium."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
	She said, "It's free with purchase."  I asked her if anyone
	bought anything today.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I met this wonderful girl at Macy's.  She was buying clothes and
	I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
	Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to
	the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a
	different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...  I put
	them in the same room and let them fight it out.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?  I
	don't get it...
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I invented the cordless extension cord.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I saw a close friend of mine the other day...  He said,
	"Stephen, why haven't you called me?"  I said, "I can't call
	everyone I want.  My new phone has no five on it."  He said,
	"How long have you had it?"  I said, "I don't know...  my
	calendar has no sevens on it."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called
	someone.  They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Today I dialed a wrong number...  The other person said,
	"Hello?"  and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...  They
	said, "Uh...  I don't think so...  he's only 2 months old."  I
	said, "I'll wait."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone
	inside my fish tank.  I can't hear it, but every time I get a
	call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<.  I go down to
	the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls
	yesterday."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I installed a skylight in my apartment....  The people who live
	above me are furious!
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me
	designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across
	the hall tried to rob a department store...  with a pricing
	gun...  She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm
	marking down everything in the store."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my
	bedroom.  They put it in *exactly* the same place it was.  When
	I told my roommate, he said:  "Do I know you?"
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
	Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
	Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany.  She said, "Cut
	it out."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Doing a little work around the house.  I put fake brick
	wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one
	who knew.  People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch
	it...  it feels real."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
	above...  so I never have to go upstairs.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the
	flash on my camera to see my way around.  I made a sandwich and
	took fifty pictures of my face.  The neighbors thought there was
	lightning in my house.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
	If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on
	your head.  If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater
	real quick.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how
	I got there.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was
	in the shape of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they
	weren't included.  So I had to buy them again.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
	neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get
	out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
	with my car keys.  I started the house up.  So, I drove it
	around for a while.  I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over.
	He asked where I lived.  I said, "right here, officer".  Later,
	I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars,
	"Get out of my driveway!"
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	My house is on the median strip of a highway.  You don't really
	notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	For a while I didn't have a car...  I had a helicopter...  no
	place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it
	running...  (slow glance upward)
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I play the harmonica.  The only way I can play is if I get my
	car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one
	out.  Now my car goes 500 miles per hour.  The harmonica sounds
	*amazing*.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	My neighbor has a circular driveway...  he can't get out.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park
	anywhere near the place.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Last year we drove across the country.  We switched on the
	driving...  every half mile...  We had one cassette tape to
	listen to on the entire trip...  I don't remember what it was.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I saw a sign:  "Rest Area 25 Miles".  That's pretty big.  Some
	people must be really tired.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
	"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"  "Yes,
	officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.  He said,
	"Didn't you see the stop sign?"  I said, "Yeah, but I don't
	believe everything I read."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
	Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer
	and farther, trying to see it clearly)...  and says, "Here, you
	can go."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	The judge asked, "What do you plead?"  I said, "Insanity, your
	honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
	parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
	me if I'm leaving.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...  when I came
	back the entire area was missing.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep.  Mom said,
	"Steven, time to go to sleep."  I said, "But I don't know how."
	She said, "It's real easy.  Just go down to the end of tired and
	hang a left."  So I went down to the end of tired, and just out
	of curiosity I hung a right.  My mother was there, and she said
	"I thought I told you to go to sleep."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
	means it's going to be up all night.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
	sleep good?"  I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
	satellite dish.  My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the
	world.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	My girlfriend does her nails with white-out.  When she's asleep,
	I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
	Information.  She said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't
	find my socks."  She said, "They're behind the couch."  And they
	were!
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl.  She
	looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored
	socks on."  I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same
	because I go by thickness."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it
	on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I
	could only stutter in Spanish.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the
	wires backwards.  I erased all of the records.  When I returned
	them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.  He was using a
	dotted line.  He caught every other fish.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
	looking like an idiot.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I bought a dog the other day...  I named him Stay.  It's fun to
	call him...  "Come here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!"  He went
	insane.  Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures
	of cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in
	circles.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...  on
	the ledge.  Some people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm
	afraid of widths.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I spilled spot remover on my dog.  He's gone now.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
	precipitate.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	(Referring to a glass of water:)  I mixed this myself.  Two
	parts H, one part O.  I don't trust anybody!
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	They say we're 98% water.  We're that close to drowning...
	(picks up his glass of water from the stool)...  I like to live
	on the edge...
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I was born by Caesarian section...  but not so you'd notice.
	It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the
	window.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a
	closet for five minutes without moving.  He said it was elevator
	practice.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I didn't get a toy train like the other kids.  I got a toy
	subway instead.  You couldn't see anything, but every now and
	then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you
	have any toy train schedules?"
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  It was a quicksand
	box.  I was an only child...  eventually.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	When I was five years old I was on a merry go round.  There was
	a gunshot nearby.  The horses stampeded.  There I was running
	down the street on a purple wooden horse.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	When I was eight, I played Little League.  I was on first; I
	stole third; I went straight across.  Earlier that week, I
	learned that the shortest distance between two points was a
	direct line.  I took advantage of that knowledge.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up.  I couldn't
	find tractors small enough to fit it.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	My friend Winnie is a procrastinator.  He didn't get his
	birthmark until he was eight years old.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	My school colors were clear.  We used to say, "I'm not naked,
	I'm in the band."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for
	twins.  Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
	When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but
	he didn't obey.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the
	beach...  it pisses me off!  I'll go over to a little baby and
	say, "What are you doing here?  You haven't worked a day in your
	life!"
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	My friend has a baby.  I'm recording all the noises he makes so
	later I can ask him what he meant.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling
	asleep, you're reading, reading...  and all of a sudden you
	notice your eyes are closed?  I'm like that all the time.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you
	go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last
	instant you catch yourself?  That's how I feel all the time.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I
	think I've forgotten this before.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic.  I mimic my
	shadow.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I got a new shadow.  I had to get rid of the other one...  it
	wasn't doing what I was doing.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Four years ago...  no, it was yesterday.
	Today I...  No, that wasn't me.
	Sometimes I...  No, I don't.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...  I
	changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and
	landed on my feet.  Two little kittens nearby saw what happened
	and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's
	done."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have
	been serious because I brought a beach towel.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I was reading the dictionary.  I thought it was a poem about
	everything.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	What's another word for Thesaurus?
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes.  It all started back in
	1912...  Well, to make a long story short ...
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I wrote a few children's books...  not on purpose.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I broke my arm trying to fold a bed.  It wasn't the kind that folds.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I lost a button hole today.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I took a baby shower.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I was skydiving horizontally.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I washed mud, off of mud.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I'm so hyper...  (said with a very dull voice)
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	"So, do you live around here often?"
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Women...  can't live with 'em...  can't shoot 'em.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	My dental hygienist is cute.  Every time I visit, I eat a whole
	package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.  Sometimes
	she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
	most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...  I sat beside her.  I said,
	"Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't
	it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a
	problem."  So I asked, "What's the problem?"  She replied, "I
	can't tell you.  I don't even know you..."  I said, "Well
	sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger
	on a bus."  So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a
	nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...  by the way, my
	name is Denise."  I said, "Hello, Denise.  My name is Bucky
	Goldstein..."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after
	me...  I pushed "1" and he just stood there...  I said, "Hi,
	where you going?"  He said, "Phoenix."  So I pushed Phoenix.  A
	few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...
	we were in downtown Phoenix.  I looked at him and said, "You
	know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with."  We
	got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.  Then
	the phone rang.  He said, "You get it."  I picked it up and
	said, "Hello?"...  The other side said, "Is this Steven
	Wright?"...  I said, "Yes..."  The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr.
	Jones, the student loan director from your bank.  It seems you
	have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
	attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned
	you.  We would just like to know what happened to the money?"  I
	said, "Mr.  Jones, I'll give it to you straight.  I gave all of
	the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear
	weapon...  and I would appreciate it if you never called me
	again."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
	rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on
	a tree.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
	boy, were they mad!
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	The Stones, I love the Stones.  I watch them whenever I can.
	Fred, Barney...
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and
	act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
	temperature.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I have two very rare photographs.  One is a picture of Houdini
	locking his keys in his car.  The other is a rare photograph of
	Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it
	on all the beaches of the world...  perhaps you've seen it.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
	reading.  So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo.  He got
	pretty good.  He could go under a rug.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
	Notify".  I wrote "Doctor"...  What's my mother going to do?
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...  the
	study of milkmen.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	He was a multi-millionaire.  Wanna know how he made all of his
	money?  He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to
	put batteries in.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a
	full house and four people died.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to
	go.  You'll just be walking down the street, and...
	ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I had a friend who was a clown.  When he died, all his friends
	went to the funeral in one car.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	My girlfriend and I went on a picnic.  I don't know how she did
	it, but she got poison ivy on the brain.  When it itched, the
	only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend.  It's
	called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm
	Not Raking 'Til Spring."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this
	tour.  I said, "the whole time."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died
	they'd just stay right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	The sun got confused about daylight savings time.  It rose
	twice.  Everything had two shadows.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it
	is.  Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I
	say, "I think I might have written that."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
	any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
	behind his ears.  I think George is weird, because he has false
	teeth.  with braces on them.  George is a radio announcer, and
	when he walks under a bridge...  you can't hear him talk.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
	their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat
	and drop it?
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I saw a sign at a gas station.  It said "help wanted".  There
	was another sign below it that said "self service".  So I hired
	myself.  Then I made myself the boss.  I gave myself a raise.  I
	paid myself.  Then I quit.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile
	for a satellite picture.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I used to be an airline pilot.  I got fired because I kept
	locking the keys in the plane.  They caught me on an 80 foot
	stepladder with a coathanger.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the
	roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I have a map of the United States...  actual size.  It says,
	"Scale:  1 mile = 1 mile."  I spent last summer folding it.  I
	also have a full-size map of the world.  I hardly ever unroll it.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
	he just whipped out a quarter?
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2"
	taller.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I'm kinda tired.  I was up all night trying to round off
	infinity.  Then I got bored and went out and painted passing
	lines on curved roads.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	This is my impression of a bowling ball...  (drags the mike
	along the floor, then lifts it)...  gutter...
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.
	The team scored a touchdown.  They showed the instant replay.
	He thought they scored another one.  I was gonna tell him, but I
	figured the game *he* was watching was better.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I owed my friend George $25.  For about three weeks I owed it to
	him.  The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it.
	Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held
	up.  He said, "Gimme all your money."  I said, "Wait a minute."
	I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you."  The the
	thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave
	it to George.  At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars
	from George.
 
	Subject:  FAKE Steven Wright jokes	[original; edited]
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Here are my categories, with examples (his):
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I had some eyeglasses.  I was walking down the street when
	suddenly the prescription ran out.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I got food poisoning today.  I don't know when I'll use it.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I put my air conditioner in backwards.  It got cold outside.
	The weatherman on TV was confused.  "It was supposed to be hot
	today."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
	reading.  Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.
	If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of
	light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
	He said, "I don't know."  I said, "I don't want your job."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I was in the first submarine.  Instead of a periscope, they had
	a kaleidoscope.  "We're surrounded."
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake.  I didn't
	notice until I got it set up.  People complained because they
	couldn't see the lake.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my
	age in a year.  I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six
	I'll be ninety.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Sponges grow in the ocean.  That just kills me.  I wonder how
	much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	It's a fine night to have an evening.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I can't stop thinking like this.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	This isn't all true.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you
	get to the top, and you think there's one more step?  I'm like
	that all the time.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.  They
	lay there and looked at each other.  Their families came and
	took them away.  Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence,
	they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each
	other.  One of them looked at the other and said, "So.  What did
	you think?"
 -- Steve Wright
%%
	My grandfather gave me a watch.  It doesn't have any hands or
	numbers.  He says it's very accurate.  I asked him what time it
	was.  You can guess what he told me.
 -- Steve Wright
%%
I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know
what to feed it.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate.  Then I took it to
a potluck.  I stood in line for some cake.  They said, "Do you
want white cake or chocolate cake?"  I said, "Yes".
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday.  She says if
I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I had amnesia once or twice.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I bought a million lottery tickets.  I won a dollar.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I got a chain letter by fax.  It's very simple.  You just fax a
dollar bill to everybody on the list.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
My friend Sam has one leg.  I went to his house.  I couldn't go
up the stairs.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
The sun never sets on the British Empire.  But it rises every
morning.  The sky must get awfully crowded.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane.  I told everybody I'm
Narcissus.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
thinks he can get me five.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is
in the mail, and then you remember it really is?  I'm like that
all the time.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
The sky already fell.  Now what?
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I wear my liver on my pant leg.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I still have my Christmas Tree.  I looked at it today.  Sure
enough, I couldn't see any forests.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a
fan club?
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my
ankle.  A little old lady had to help me across the street.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to
think you're Shakespeare?
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
Smoking cures weight problems...  eventually...
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I had fried octopus last night.  You have to be really quiet
when you eat it.  Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and
falls on the floor.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road.  It said, "what
for?"
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I xeroxed my watch.  Now I have time to spare.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I took a course in speed waiting.  Now I can wait an hour in
only ten minutes.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I eat swiss cheese.  But I only nibble on it.  I make the holes
bigger.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I moved into an all-electric house.  I forgot and left the porch
light on all day.  When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I got a garage door opener.  It can't close.  Just open.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's
part of the experiment?  I'm like that all the time.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt.
"What are you making?"  "A salt lick."
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
My friend Sally is a nudist.  I went to her house.  The closets
have no doors.  The walls are covered with see-through
wallpaper.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
Sally plays strip poker.  Whenever she loses, she has to put
something on.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
The sky is falling...  no, I'm tipping over backwards.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
Is "tired old cliche" one?
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a
monkey?
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a
joke?
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
It only rains straight down.  God doesn't do windows.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a
two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
The sign said "eight items or less".  So I changed my name to
Les.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road.  I asked it why.
It told me it was none of my business.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I rented a lottery ticket.  I won a million dollars.  But I had
to give it back.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
In school, every period ends with a bell.  Every sentence ends
with a period.  Every crime ends with a sentence.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I xeroxed my watch.  Now I can give away free watches.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra xerox machine.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I took a course in speed reading.  Then I got Reader's Digest on
microfilm.  By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for.  You put them on
doughbolts.  They hold dough airplanes together.  For kids, they
make erector sets out of play-dough.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and
found spirit gum.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I went to a garage sale.  "How much for the garage?"  "It's not
for sale."
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers.  He hates
New York.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
A beautiful woman moved in next door.  So I went over and
returned a cup of sugar.  "You didn't borrow this."  "I will."
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I had my coathangers spayed.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I washed a sock.  Then I put it in the dryer.  When I took it
out, it was gone.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather.  It moved to
Alaska.  Now Santa Claus is missing.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu."  The
headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I took lessons in bicycle riding.  But I could only afford half
of them.  Now I can ride a unicycle.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I got a calculator and now I can't add without it.  I got a
spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore.  I got a
blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time.
Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same
thing.  Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three
miles late for his meetings.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company.  All of the trees
were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick.  We made paneling.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant.  I
said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket."  She said, "I'll
be the one drinking sake."  Turned out it was one of those
biker-sushi places.  We never met.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
Wrote my own communications software in LISP.  Got a phone bill
for a thousand dollars.  My computer keeps calling itself.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant.  I said,
"I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex."  Never
found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I spent all my money on a FAX machine.  Now I can only FAX
collect.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
What are imitation rhinestones?
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
A metaphor is like a simile.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design
exactly.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is
the hanging plant.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular
dinner price if you eat less than you can.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food.  You may
wonder how it weighs the food.  It doesn't.  It just eats
another hummingbird.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I bought a portable cable tv.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon
paper.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four
anywhere.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets.
All they found was a pile of dust.
 -- Rod Schmidt
%%