From Daniel Bowen's Toxic Custard Workshop files. %% - "It was terrific. I thank God that I wore my corset, because I think my sides have split" - Rowan Atkinson --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - " I laughed till no more oxygen was available ..." - The Mad Scribe --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "I can't really say any of your stories are funny ... I never asked for them to be mailed to me ... monstrous files ... " - Tom Wilson --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "Great! Great! Fantastic! Oh, it's so bloody marvellous, it makes you want to throw up!" - James McCrettin --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "Look forward to the next installment" - Pina Mure --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "I liked it" - Arthur Dent --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "Please CONTINUE this masterpiece!" - Paul Beker, Georgia Institute of Technology (G.I.T.) --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "This is sick" - Claudia Peralta --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "Dear readers, sorry, but this is the worst episode so far. This one's about as good as INGRES at the moment. The next one is better." - Raymond Luxury-Yacht --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "It's getting better all the time" - Paul McCartney --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha" - Neil Bruckner --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "Absolutely brilliant ... " - Piers Fletcher-Dervish MP --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - " ... " - A. Hreb --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "I'm getting a little bored by this ... I have managed to stay sane ..." - Katherine Ramsay --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "From you, I get the story" - Roger Daltrey --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "I wasn't ENTIRELY unamused." - Lance Lentz --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "The Toxic Custard Workshop is a totally brilliant piece of literary work." (500 times) - Stuart Healey --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% feminist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, That chauvinist pig VAX reckons you don't even know the real filename. Try again, and show this male pig computer that all wimmin can tell this computer what to do! --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% hippy %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Oh no! Oh heavy heavy heavy. The bad-vibes-ville uncool VAX can't find the file! Oh no, what are you going to do now? --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% anarchist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Hey! The git VAX can't find the file! Right on! Who needs files for copying anyway? Files represent beauracracy and red tape! Let's take all the files and stuff them up the computer's collective arse! --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% medieval %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The lord VAX cannot find thy file, peasant. Thou shall provide thy full path name again, lest thy head answers for it! --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% evangelist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, And yea! God's servant VAX was unable to find your file. But if you believe in the power of God evil Satan's forces SHALL put the file back. Donate $3000 to SYSTEM, get down on your knees, and try again. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% suicidal %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Input file not found. That's it, that command was your life. Now go and kill yourself. But remember to log out first. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% bogan %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, F***ing hell, c***! That stupid mother-f***er of a VAX says it couldn't find the f***ing file! Maybe it wasn't really called F***ER.TXT;2 --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% pirate %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Required filename not found. So what the heck, I'll copy the whole directory! --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% psychologist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The computer's very inner soul has rejected the concept of 'files' due to a bad experience when the OS was a lower version number. All influenced, of course, by the system manager's severe sexual problems. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% python-fan %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The file cannot be found! It's NOT pining - it's passed on! This file is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired, and gone to meet it's maker! This is a late file! It's not there! This is an EX-FILE! --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% management %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The VAX has initiated a CPU committee meeting to determine whether or not this file can be found. DCL will report the results in four weeks. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% jargon %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The total number of files retrieved that are equivalent to the parameter specified in your previous command is zero! --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% system-manager %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Input file not found. Now get really angry and take it out on the poor pathetic grovelling little users. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% politician %COPY-E-INPFFND, Input file found. There have been no errors that I am aware of. None at all. It is a sad fact in today's world that a frightening number of male university lecturers dress unfashionably. For example, we surveyed a random sample of 153 male lecturers. 27% had long shirt collars 5% wore flares 32% said that they always wore brown 46% admitted to wearing skivvies more than three days per week 29% had beards but no moustaches When asked when they last purchased clothing 11% hadn't this year 22% hadn't in the last two years 35% hadn't in the last five years 16% couldn't remember But perhaps the most frightening statistic of all was the trouser department. 87% were wearing corduroy trousers, 76% of which were brown --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% AND NOW A QUICK COMPUTER JOKE " Life's a batch, then you DIR " --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% New toxic, ozone-depleting, environment un-friendly **FLAVOURED AIR** Now available from Nippon-Murdoch Pty Ltd --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% GARDENING TIP Install a bird feeding post. This will- - support the local bird population - get rid of those pesky slugs naturally, but most of all - save on cat food --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% MEET GOD IN PERSON! This Thursday from 12-2pm, God will be signing copies of his new single, "I Don't Like Fridays" in the record department at Myer Southland. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% THE METROPOLITAN TRANSIT AUTHORITY is pleased to announce the new transport zoning system for the Melbourne metropolitan area, which we have been working on ever since the last zoning system came into effect. The new system will consist of not three, but forty-seven zones. To work out which zone you are in, take the page number of the Melways street-directory you are in and call it 'x'. Your zone = int ((x * tan (x) ^ 2 ) mod 47) + 1 --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% AND NOW A REPORT ON THE SNAIL TOLL The snail toll this year has risen to 382,272; more than 20,000 higher than this time last year. Experts from the RSPCA accident research unit and "Gardening Australia" say that if little more rain is present for the rest of the year, the year's toll may be no higher than last year's total. Joe Wheelbarrow, RSPCA spokesman said "It's a matter of public education. These snails must be taught not to go out onto the paths of this city straight after rain, only to be squashed flat by a drunk in charge of a shoe." --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% "THE FINAL SOLUTION" by Prof Yoshe Cohen A new and dynamic look at calculus --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% HOW MUCH OF A COMPUTER DAG ARE YOU? How many people that you see regularly do you talk to more often electronically than face-to-face? --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% THE BEST SOFTWARE FOR THE LUNATIC COMPUTER USER... "StuffED" Text Editor - special features: - Language bias module: Won't edit COBOL source-code - AutoCorrupt (tm) - Count bugs in editor - Multi-user/one file "Edit Wars" --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% AND NOW, HERE IS THE NEWS FOR SMILEYS :-) - Well known smiley personality Guy Smiley (see artist's impression, above) of Sesame Street fame has been arrested on obscenities charges. - A network committee will look into the recently high population growth of smileys on Internet. They will in particular be looking at the high migration of smileys into NetNews, and the alarming incidence of homeless smileys in rec.humor. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% POLITICAL NEWS Margaret Thatcher has been awarded The Order of Merit. This means that she will no longer be known as "That fascist bitch-cow Thatcher" but instead as "That fascist bitch-cow Lady Thatcher". --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% MEDICAL COLUMN Recent research into peoples fears has revealed a number of new phobias: - Ticketphobia - the fear of losing your train-ticket when the ticket-inspectors get on - Humorphobia - fear of not being able to keep up with all the new articles in rec.humor - Phobiaphobia - the fear of being afraid of something - VAXphobia - fear of Vax VMS commands - Toxicphobia - fear of Toxic Custard Workshop Files (they can be vicious) - Duckphobia - fear of ducks - Hibiscusphobia - fear of malvaceous tropical plants - Porkphobia - fear of pork - very common in Israel --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% University lecturers are people who have a profound influence on our society. They are people with a message; a message that the world should listen to. Here are just a few pearls of wisdom from university lecturers. "Talking... is like a dance..." A.Blucher 15/3/90 --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% University lecturers are people who have a profound influence on our society. They are people with a message; a message that the world should listen to. Here are just a few pearls of wisdom from university lecturers. "Select one from the number of balls in your container" C.McCann 23/7/90 --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% University lecturers are people who have a profound influence on our society. They are people with a message; a message that the world should listen to. Here are just a few pearls of wisdom from university lecturers. "Moses was a manager" H.Eisen 30/7/90 --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% University lecturers are people who have a profound influence on our society. They are people with a message; a message that the world should listen to. Here are just a few pearls of wisdom from university lecturers. "I've got a bloody 'E'! What's that - a bowl of goldfish? That's a bloody 'E'!" G.Faux 7/5/90 --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% University lecturers are people who have a profound influence on our society. They are people with a message; a message that the world should listen to. Here are just a few pearls of wisdom from university lecturers. "The Great Wall of China was a massive exercise in management" H.Eisen 30/7/90 --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% University lecturers are people who have a profound influence on our society. They are people with a message; a message that the world should listen to. Here are just a few pearls of wisdom from university lecturers. "Stimulating initially, but you can't keep it up forever" R.Redpath on programming 6/8/90 --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% University lecturers are people who have a profound influence on our society. They are people with a message; a message that the world should listen to. Here are just a few pearls of wisdom from university lecturers. "Take me to your owner" R.Redpath 31/7/90 --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% University lecturers are people who have a profound influence on our society. They are people with a message; a message that the world should listen to. Here are just a few pearls of wisdom from university lecturers. "5 to 7 is a good size - a good size results in high satisfaction" R.Bergmann on discussion group sizes, 1/10/90 --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% University lecturers are people who have a profound influence on our society. They are people with a message; a message that the world should listen to. Here are just a few pearls of wisdom from university lecturers. "Languages... sounds a bit like sandwiches..." R.Redpath 31/7/90 --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% University lecturers are people who have a profound influence on our society. They are people with a message; a message that the world should listen to. Here are just a few pearls of wisdom from university lecturers. "Don't abuse your pointer" A.Blucher on C programming 2/4/90 --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% SMILEY FASHION REPORT IN BRIEF This Summer, short is IN! So, get rid of your daggy old :-) 's, and start stocking up on the new, dynamic :) --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% ACCOUNTANTS! Problems balancing the books? Got a few figures you want to get rid of? If *you've* got numbers that you'd like to disappear, why not call FASCIST ARSON SERVICES. We'd be happy to burn any sensitive papers or books you may have lying around. Ask about our very reasonable Government building charges. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% In an attempt to make the country a happier place, the government have announced a scheme known as the "scowl penalty". Anyone seen scowling will be penalised $20 on the spot. Further charges will be introduced in an effort to prevent people frowning, yawning with intent, and arguing in public. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% There is an epidemic that is spreading across our world. Nobody knows where it came from, but more and more people are catching it. It turns them into tragically disfigured versions of their former selves. They lose all sense of dignity. I am of course talking about those bloody pouch things that people are wearing now; it's like a black plastic wallet with a strap that wraps around your waist, and it looks STUPID!! But anyway... --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% TUESDAY'S WEATHER - FOR HELL Hell will be hot during tonight, boiling over to boiling early Tuesday morning. Towards the middle of the day it will be sweltering, with a heat-wave later in the day. Wednesday: Hot Thursday: Hot Friday: Hot Saturday (the day that peace is predicted to be declared in the Middle East, the national economy will recover, pigs will fly, and a brain scan on Dan Quayle will be positive): Cold, with snow and ice, possible blizzards. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% AND NOW A WORD FROM THE PENTAGON To all those sissy wimps who don't want a war - remember what we're talking about here! What about all the oil we won't be able to pollute the atmosphere with if we don't liberate Kuwait? What about all the money people will make selling guns, bullets and planes? If we don't attack, the stock-market might crash again. And we won't be able to re-install the royal family of Kuwait. Dammit, they are VERY rich! Honestly, you pacifists are all the same, always thinking about the human lives lost - what about the dollars and the oil? --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% AND NOW ANOTHER WORD FROM THE PENTAGON Oh, and by the way... about those 45,000 body-bags we had shipped to Saudi Arabia. They're actually going to be used to smuggle booze in to our troops; otherwise we couldn't get it to them. Honest. We're not really sure what we'll carry back in them though. Any ideas? --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% Look - up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a SCUD missile... --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - CDHU - Collateral damage humanoid units - people who get in the way. Not that we're purposely aiming at them, but let's face it, it's no loss really as they probably aren't Christians and most don't even speak English. That's what comes of not being born on the right side, in a God-fearing country; serves 'em right, really. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - FM - Friendly missile - one of ours. The Allies now have friendly missiles fired from planes and ships pounding the Iraqi forces continuously. Friendly missiles are identified by a big smiling face painted on the warhead. Damage as a result of friendly missiles will now be known as "friendly damage", and the explosives inside the warhead are known as "friendly explosives." --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - NWISSBM - Nasty-wasty Iraqi scum-sucking bastard missile - one of theirs --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - OTRCNNXF - Off The Record CNN Exclusive False-report - given to CNN by us so that Saddam will believe it to be the gospel truth. Neat, eh? --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% NEW ALLIED WEAPONRY - The SKM - Shit-Kicker Missile. When this baby hits them Iraqis, the shit really hits the fan! --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% NEW ALLIED WEAPONRY - FBT - Fucking-big tank. This tank is 150 feet wide and 200 feet long, and it's purpose is to make the ground war much simplified by simply running over enemy soldiers. Special decapitation implements on the underside of the tank ensure Allied victory. In normal circumstances an Allied RCM (Refuse Collection Module) would follow behind, preventing any environmental damage to the desert by scooping up the human blood 'n' guts. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% NEW ALLIED WEAPONRY - TXjet - Specially developed fighter/bomber for use by Texan pilots. It has an enlarged cockpit to cope with their hats. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% NEW ALLIED WEAPONRY - BVM - now installed in all troop-transport planes, the BVM (Burger Vending Machine) now features the new IraqiBurger for only $1.45; it helps our forces feel at home. To fully simulate a Florida McDonald's environment a computer-controlled rifle installed in the plane can be programmed to fire at random. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% NEW ALLIED WEAPONRY - FMFM - the FM installed Friendly Missile - so called because it has a built-in FM stereo receiver which plays the "Star Spangled Banner" as it explodes into its target. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% Attention Frankston line passengers. The 4:38pm train to Frankston is running twenty minutes late due to the driver having decided to stop at Armadale and clip his toenails. Besides which, staff at Metropolitan Train Control felt a bit thirsty and have all gone to Young & Jacksons for drinkies. In addition to this, staff at this station have been working a double-shift, and are consequently going home as they are absolutely buggered. There will be no trains tomorrow due to most of the staff being extremely pissed off with management, and going to the Australian Railway Union picnic in the Royal Botanical Gardens, instead of turning up to run the train system. Metropolitan Transit apologises for any inconvenience. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% MONASH UNIVERSITY COMPUTER CENTRE - MODEM DIAL-UP SERVICES Users of the Greater Monash University can now access the computer systems via modems 24 hours except when they are out of order. All four campuses are equipped with dial-in lines which under normal circumstances should be either engaged or not operational. Your modem and communications software should be set up to operate in 8-bit mode with no parity and 1 stop bit. Except when it shouldn't. Which may or may not be the case when and if you are using the dial-ins. Modems at Clayton Campus can utilise the MNP-4 error correcting protocol. But don't. 'Cos to be honest, we haven't worked out how to turn the bloody things on yet. If anyone has any ideas, please tell. Well, they were a job lot going cheap without manuals, you know how it is... --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% STOP PRESS: The White House has just announced that George Bush will leave hospital shortly. In a box. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "The entire world is appalled by the dreadful act" Javier Perez de Cuellar (United Nations) (peacelover@un.uucp) --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "We are deeply shocked..." Mikhail Gorbachev (USSR) (gorby@kremlin.gov.su) --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "tragic" Bob Hawke (Australia) (hawkie@lodge.canberra.gov.aus) --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "I found this news absolutely dismaying..." Edith Cresson (Premier, France) (edith@paris.gov.fr) --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% - "..just appalling" George Bush (USA) (bigboss@white-house.wash.gov) --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% ALIEN INVASION IMMINENT It now known that an alien species has been watching this planet for several years now. They have sent their scouts ahead, who have infiltrated much of the civilised world. Thousands upon thousands of them live in our big cities, inconspicuously placed. They can be found on many street corners.. watching, ever vigilant. The little green men are among us. Hidden in our traffic lights. Our raving reporter, Arnold Psychopath, disguised as a little green man, infiltrated a secret little green man meeting, at the Guild Of Little Green Men Who Want To Take Over The World. A little green man army is said to be being raised, armed with lethal bananas. Many of the little green men present were in fact well known politicians, scientists, other significant public figures and New Kids On The Block. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% AND NOW FOR MORE BLACK COMEDY. Hullo dere! Dis is de Rasta-News! Dah Prime Minister today went down da beach cruisin' man. He had himself a real mellow time... [Was this just an excuse to run the Jive program? Probably not. But it sure looks dat way.] --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% HUDSON'S ROAD, SPOTSWOOD: The railway level crossing near Spotswood Station will be closed for track work from 7.30pm tomorrow until 4.30pm on Wednesday. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% BURWOOD AVENUE, HAWTHORN: Burke Road to Burwood Road, closed to through traffic until about mid-October. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% COTHAM ROAD, KEW: Outbound traffic restricted to tram tracks from Uvadale Grove to Florence Avenue until about January 2007. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% MILLERS ROAD, BROOKLYN: Westgate Freeway to Blackshaw Road, road reconstruction will restrict traffic to one lane each way until about 31 May. A roadworkers' strike will then delay construction another three months, followed by an earthquake later in the year that will require complete reconstruction of the area. An industrial chemical accident early next year will cause most of the western suburbs to become inhabitable for the rest of the century, resulting in heavy traffic leading out of the area. In 2032, worldwide pollution will cause the world to end, meaning widespread panic, the death of the entire human race, and traffic delays in most areas. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% WORLDWIDE JOKE SHORTAGE: Comedians everywhere are suffering due to the worldwide joke shortage. If you have any spare jokes lying around the house that you don't want anymore, please, give them to someone who can use them. Don't hesitate. Jokes over two lines long are tax-deductible. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% The man with the biggest feet in the world, Irish-born, Italian-raised Giovanni O'Shamus caused an upset at Wimbledon during the week, when h stepped on his opponent in the first round of the Men's Singles. The squashed man, American Rocky Steinburger was rushed to hospital but was pronounced flat on arrival. O'Shamus, who is ranked forty-three thousandth in the world, claimed he had been unable to see because John McEnroe's ego had got in the way, obscuring most of the court, making it too dark to se where he was going. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% ART NEWS The art world was rocked yesterday at the announcement of Professor Hans Von Fabre of the discovery of a new primary colour. The fourth primary colour, to be known as hans, will revolutionise art and technology all over the world. TV News services worldwide have not been able to broadcas pictures of the new colour because TV sets are manufactured to generate pictures from blue red and green, but not hans. Electronics companies have welcomed the new colour, saying it will increase their income by making everyone go out to buy new TVs and computer monitors. Art critics have acclaimed hans as being able to bring a new lease of life to the art world. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% LEASE OF LIFE Need to get a life? Why not lease one? A range of lives are available on a cheap danger-free lease plan. Come down to our showroom and have a look at the new Winter '91 range of lives. Everything from the super-intelligent life of a Professor of Dead Horse Studies at Oxford University right down to the lowest of life-forms, movie critic, sports commentator, Stallon clone, or world leader. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% HORSE RACIN Tragedy struck the owners of Fast Sausage yesterday when the horse was accidentally put in the wrong horse-box and sent to be slaughtered and turned into 200 cans of dog-food. The owners said that they don't mind very much, and look forward to getting rid of more useless horses this way. Fast Sausage's descendants, two ponies (Pork Sausage and Long Sausage) will be cared for by the St Pharlap's Home for Orphaned Horses --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% VIRTUAL REALITY BREAKTHROUGH The NASA Ames Research Center have announced a breakthrough in Virtual Reality. They have simulated the entire world within a computer. This is the second attempt. The first time, they fed in all the information about the world into the computer, data containing every detail about the planet, and the behaviour and characteristics of the people who live on it, what happens, where; everything. They ran the computer simulation at high-speed for several months before simulated pollution an simulated UV-rays killed every simulated thing on the simulated face of the simulated earth. The programmers looked for bugs, but couldn't find any. This second attempt has resulted in a "nice" world to live in. world without oppression, crime, anger and hunger. And it only cost $43 million billion to generate. Thank goodness the money is being spent on something peaceful. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% CRIME STOPPERS: WANTED James Wanton, 17 years old, 175 centimetres tall, wanted for not making his bed this morning, leaving an assortment of unwashed dishes in his bedroom, leaving his socks and underpants on the floor, and generally treating the place like a hotel. If you know his whereabouts, you may be eligible for a reward of up to $1000 while remaining anonymous. Ring Crime Stoppers on 865-5000. --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% We would like to appeal to all parents who own ferocious dogs - please think before leaving the dog near the baby. Wouldn't it be better to leave the baby outside the house? Or better still, have it adopted out. Babies can be quite dangerous.. you wouldn't want your best friend to get bitten, now, would you? --From Daniel Bowen's TCWF. %% * I'd say it's an element of any post-allegorical discussive climax of the positionist stance. Either that or a load of bollocks. - Daniel Bowen TCWF %% The Government also criticised the Opposition policy on optometry, accusing it of being short-sighted. - Daniel Bowen TCWF %% I went to the petshop for Beatles But they were totally out of stock I tried gardening supplies for Rolling Stones But all that they had was a rock - Daniel Bowen's TCWF %% How 'bout a clothes shop for Swinging Blue Jeans? But all they could show me was denim In theory a snake expert should know about Sting But he just ranted on about venom - Daniel Bowen's TCWF %% I asked Police Missing Persons about The Who And they looked at me as if talking nonsense I tried the gun shop for Guns N Roses And they asked if I had a license - Daniel Bowen's TCWF %% I asked my local vicar about The Church And he offered to take me to Jesus I also asked him about Faith No More And he still offered to take me to Jesus - Daniel Bowen's TCWF %% Do you think the service station could sell me Midnight Oil? Well no, but they did sell me ice Then to the Optometrist for R.E.M. They said it was my mind, not my eyes - Daniel Bowen's TCWF %% So to the hardware shop for Things Of Stone And Wood But if I didn't want a 2x4 then I was out of luck And finally down dark Fitzroy Street looking for Queen But to my horror, they would only offer me a fu - Daniel Bowen's TCWF %% AARDVARK Like an anteater, but harder to spell, the aardvark hangs around South American locations getting to know the local ant population, and attempting genocide on them. Well recognised for its long snout, with which it sucks up said unfortunate ants, the aardvark is best known for that bit in Tintin where it cleans up Captain Haddock's face. The Aardvark was originally named by Spanish Explorer Aaron Varkinos in 1533. [See also: Ant] -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ABATTOIR A location where carnivores like myself can go to see the full reality of the slaughter of defenceless little sheepies, piggies and other animals unfortunate enough to be farmed for their delicious rumps (and other bits). Yum. Actually, the dictionary that I'm ... err... copying from says "public slaughterhouse", but I wasn't aware that the general public were able to be slaughtered at these locations. This may require further investigation. Abattoirs originated in ancient Rome, when there was a shortage of edible meat, and a simultaneous overflow of gladiators bodies to get rid of. [See also: Vegetarian, Vegan] -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ABC Acronym for the Australian Broadcasting Corporation. Generally described as a bit like the better-known BBC, but with half the channels and twice the incompetence. But at least they don't broadcast "Neighbours". This definition can cause confusion amongst most of the world, who know the ABC as (a) the alphabet and (b) the American Broadcasting Company. We won't even begin to mention the Angolan Broadcasting Collective, the Alaskan Boiling Company, the Adelaide Buddist Church or the Amsterdam Bicycle Committee. The ABC was formed in 1932, and initially promoted itself as costing taxpayers only a ha'penny a day. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ANT A small insect, about as big as an ant. Ants are known to inhabit anywhere there's food left lying around, especially foods containing sugar or other sweet substances. Consequently, ants suffer large amounts of tooth decay, since none of the major toothbrush manufacturers have seen fit to produce a toothbrush a suitable size for ants. Ants and grasshoppers have a life-long feud happening, after some fable encouraging long-term investment in the money market got written by a well known ant author. The easiest way to kill an ant is to step on it. [See also: Ant, Recursion, Dentistry, Grasshopper] -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ATLAS A really big dude who used to carry the world upon his shoulders (or something like that). Today's modern Prime Ministers and Presidents may think that they carry the world upon *their* shoulders, but if that were true then they'd be crushed into tiny specks just by the sheer weight of the damn thing. Actually the above definition is only mythical. Atlas was actually the bloke in the library in ancient Athens who knew where all the street directories were kept. [See also: Metaphorical] -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% AUSTRALIA [This entry extracted from a submission I wrote for the Galactic Guide a while back. Check out alt.galactic-guide on Usenet for more details. Well, why do something twice if you don't have to?] While Australia, is well known by many as being the home of the "Crocodile Dundee" movies, most Australians know Australia as being the place where they live, or the place where they come from. A famous writer, the name of which is insignificant, and unremembered, once wrote of Australia: I love a sunburnt country, A land of sweeping plains, Of rugged mountain ranges, Of droughts, and flooding rains. While this may not be a work of literary genius, or take into account the very high proportion of Australians who prefer to live in sprawling cities than in sweeping plains or mountain ranges, it is remarkable how the first three lines align like that, isn't it. Amongst the legions of completely unknown and unimportant Australians are some well-known and unimportant ones, such as (in no apparent order): 1) Paul Hogan - alleged actor and wife-deserter 2) Clive James - humourist who prefers living in Britain 3) Nicole Kidman - actress who married Tom Cruise and subsequently found a Hollywood career 4) Elle MacPherson - bimbo 5) Mel Gibson - alleged actor II 6) Greg Norman - Australian golfer with an American accent 7) Peter Garrett (of Midnight Oil) - bald singer who can't dance 8) Michael Hutchence (of INXS) - hairy singer 9) Kylie Minogue - bimbo singer and bad soapie actress 10) Olivia Newton John - former bimbo singer and "Grease" star. Ugh. 11) Peter Allen - bad cabaret singer, whose singing improved remarkably when he died in 1992 12) the entire casts of "Neighbours", "Home and Away", "A Country Practice", "Young Doctors" and "Prisoner", all of whom have terrorised Great Britain for some time now with their cheap and very bad soap operas This list has only included a few people. There are about seventeen million more. If you are thinking of joining them (ie immigrating), think twice. Then do it anyway. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% BAA The sound a sheep makes when trying to communicate its inner feelings to the outside world. Unfortunately those in the outside world who actually understand this are generally only other sheep. But much can be interpreted by merely listening to the tone expressed: Baa! - Imperative Baa... - Vague Baa? - Questioning ... - Stubborn silence B- - Slaughtered suddenly -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% BASEBALL A pointless little game in which a couple of dozen people run around a diamond formation as fast as they can, just to get back to where they started. Beats me why they didn't just stay at home base in the first place. In between, they throw small round things back and forth, and try to hit them very hard with a long metal or wooden bat. Which is pretty cruel on the small round things. And the bats probably don't enjoy it much either. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% BASTARD Commonly used word for an illegitimate person. Approximately 98% of traffic wardens are illegitimate. As are 87% of bank managers, 93% of lawyers, and 97% of politicians. There is an Worldwide Society of Bastards, who regularly appoint their members to the International Order of Bastard. As you may have guessed, Inspector Unnecessary-Violence is a member of this noble league. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% BED A horizontally positioned, generally soft, piece of furniture where people go to sleep. Apart from this, a bed can be used for... reading in. Yeah, before the people sleep, they can leap under the covers with a couple of good books and... umm.. read. Of course, more disgusting type people will indulge in other activities in bed, such as... clipping toenails. Yeuch. But beds are mostly used for sleeping in. Yes. Mostly for sleep. And the occasional dream. Have I mentioned people can also sit on beds? And after use, beds can be made, which means whoever can be bothered straightens up the covers again, ready for the next err... sleeping session. That's about all there is to mention about beds, isn't it? I mean, there's no need to bring SMUT into this, is there? No. Just sleeping, that's what beds are for. Not fucking. Oh damn, damn. Look, can we just forget about this entry? I don't think anyone will be very interested anyway. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% BIBLE A bible is a book which one or more religions consider to be holy, and to be something that they should follow. It is of course generally rather impractical to follow books, not just because they don't often go anywhere, but also because they are not very good at public speaking, decision making, problem solving, or any of the other qualities recognised as being an advantage for leadership. A religion based around the teachings of any compilation of Toxic Custard would be very strange indeed. To subscribe to this new cult following, send $15 now. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% BLOOD Blood is a substance which runs around and around your body. It ensures that you know when you've cut yourself, because suddenly whatever has a cut goes red. Certain members of the human race actually have blue blood. This means they are bloodsucking leeches. One for the small r republicans there. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% BONK Oh please, let's not get back to that. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% BOOK A number of letters, collected into words, compiled into sentences, arranged into paragraphs and rendered on pages glued or stapled to one another could in some circles considered to be a book. Books were actually first used by the earliest of cavemen, but weren't much use since although a few privileged elders were able to write, absolutely nobody could read. Which makes them about as useless as a one-legged umbrella wielding elephant. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% BREAKFAST The first of three major meals of the day, breakfast for the average person will normally consist of a small to average amount of food, such as a medium serving of artichoke, followed by three slices of cow pie and orange juice, two boxes of Corn Flakes, ninety-seven unpeeled bananas, fifteen rashers of bacon, nineteen eggs, toast, and a sesame-seed bun. There are of course some people in the world who are unable to enjoy breakfast. But that serves them right for drinking so heavily the night before. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% BRONZE The third highest medal obtainable at sporting events. Generally won by those athletes who go on to advertise underarm products, dog shampoos and toilet cleaners, rather than the more highly rated breakfast cereals (silver) and sneakers (gold). -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% BUGGER Common suffix to the word "oh". May also have some sexual connotations, but we're not getting into all that again. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% BYE Oh, seeya. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% CELSIUS, ANDERS (1701-44) Swedish astronomer. At the age of 25, he had a raging argument with best friend Gabriel Daniel Fahrenheit (1686-1736) when he claimed that Fahrenheit's system of measuring temperature was completely fucked, and that he could design a better system whilst standing on his head blindfolded in a bucket of lard. Fahrenheit rose to the challenge, bringing along his friend Jeff Imperial, a blindfold, and a very large bucket of lard. Celsius's good friend Verner Von Metric stood by as Celsius designed his system of measuring temperature. Celsius and Metric then got into a huge fight with Fahrenheit and Imperial, and they ended up throwing ice cubes and boiling water at one another. It was only later that they realised that Celsius's brother Kelvin had been watching all the time and had ripped off the new design and sold it to an entrepreneur. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% CHOCOLATE Truly the most wondrous substance in the whole universe. One day they will discover that chocolate can be used to power the world, cure the common cold, stop cancer in its tracks, and do really nasty things to Nazis. And that day will be one of celebration. As Thomas Hardy once said "If the world were a Mars Bar..." I forget the rest, actually. [See also: Nutella] -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% CHURCH A church is either (a) a big, generally impressive-looking building where people go to indulge in religious activities, or (b) a rash commonly found on the upper-thigh. I think it's (b). One well-known cure is to dab it with a cream mixed from worm manure, cow snot and crushed caterpillars. If unchecked, a church can spread into the genital region, and may cause a great deal of pain during intercourse. Some churches also grow in anal areas. [See also: Bible] -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% COMPETITION Competition is now recognised as the lynch-pin of free trade, the brake-pad of democracy, and the small plastic novelty egg of the consumer society. It is also an excellent method of breaking up monopolies, with subsequent improvements in consumer choice and customer service. The beginnings of this were hatched in ancient Rome, when one of the Caesars decided to allow a private plumbing company, Ploptus, to compete with the existing Smellipong aqueduct provider. Both companies launched massive advertising campaigns, putting their slogans on chariots and villas, and sponsoring gladiators, in their battle to be the preferred carrier of the citizens' crap. Slogans varied from the simple "Piss" of Ploptus, to the "This Is The Sewer Calling" of Smellipong. After a little while, the two companies held a "Pooselection" vote for people's turd disposal. Smellipong retained a large share of its shit, and generally crapped all over Ploptus. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% COMPUTER An electronic device designed to make you rip your hair out. The principles of a computer are very simple. You give the computer some data as input, it messes, mixes, scrambles and screws up the data until it is nonsensical and unrecognisable, and then it spits it out the other end as output. Computers can have strange effects on some people, causing their brains to flush and refill with information that is only related to computers. Doctors have now perfected a technique that can cure this condition, known as a Nerdoplasty. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% CROQUET A game in which wooden balls are driven by means of long-handled mallets, through a series of hoops. Christ, how boring can you get. They ought to pep it up a bit. At the very least, a net. Or maybe a bit of hitting your opponents over the head with the mallets. Or perhaps rolling grannies across the lawn in wheelchairs carrying high-explosives to see if they can collide... -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% CUSTARD Custard is a warm, gooey yellowish substance commonly swallowed orally. The great Custic Civilisations of the upper Amazon are commonly credited with the invention and implementation of the first truly gooey custards. They had perfected hot gooey custard for use as a sexual therapy as early as 200BC, and the telling of such stories in iconic form have often been accredited with the shortage of bananas in that particular region. [See also: Toxic] -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% DATABASE Developed in the early 1800's, by Rodney Database of Darlington, the database is a marvellously efficient way of putting large amounts of information into one central repository, never to be seen again. The design of the database is now an art form in itself, and will usually include: - just a dash of normalisation - a whole bunch of useless information - a whole bunch of fairly important information that no-one will ever actually ask to see - a whole bunch of very important information which will get unexpectedly lost when a hardware fault occurs (eg someone presses the wrong button) and the whole of your disk gets wiped / paper files get burnt / tape gets melted down into a large pudding, thrown out, buried in landfill and split in two during an earthquake -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% DEATH Death is the ending of life. But do we really know what death involves? No, of course not, that's a stupid question. Only a completely brainless nerk with an intellect the size of an atom would ask a question like that. But in fact, I have recently experienced a near-death experience, when I went to Ballarat. On an Easter weekend. During an opera festival. (Okay, so it wasn't recently except maybe in a universal cosmic historically vague sense). -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% DEVIL A popular character in mythology, commonly blamed by Christians for everything from plagues to burnt toast. Of course, if the devil ever actually appeared, it would scare these people shitless. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% DEWEY, MELVIL (1851-1931) American librarian who invented the Dewey Decimal system for categorising books in libraries. Unfortunately, he died long before the widespread use of computers, meaning that all the zillions of books on this subject have to be squashed into 001.64 -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% DEBUSSY, CLAUDE ACHILLE (1862-1918) French composer/performer. His confrontational politics and total scorn for the status quo led many to believe that this pioneering hardcore performer was the only punk act to be on a par with the Sex Pistols. Debussy's frenetic rave-ups offer little more than a cluttered cacophony of speed and noise. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% DICKHEAD A close relative of the penis brain, dickheads can be found in all the major centres of the universe, doing really irritating and stupid things. The term "Dickhead" was coined by explorer Sir Jimmy Criquet, who had visited the island of Dikhedos, just off Greece. There lives a race of people who spend their entire days getting in people's way on footpaths, driving in tram lanes, writing articles for the Melbourne Agenda, raising money for the IRA and/or Ulster Freedom Fighters, voting in support of French Farmers, evicting people one week late with rent, etc etc etc. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% DICTIONARY A book, generally in alphabetical order, which lists the definitions of a number of words. It is often postulated that persons who are unfamiliar with the spellings of words should refer to dictionaries. This is of course bullshit, 'cos if you don't know how the word's spelt, how are you going to find it? The people that make this sort of suggestion are probably child-molesting Osmond fans who enjoy anal sex with kangaroos in the corridors of mental hospitals... I'm sorry. But it's been bothering me lately. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% DISCOUNT The art of making shoppers feel happier about having just bought something by letting them know that they didn't get as badly ripped-off as they would have if they'd bought it when the discount didn't apply. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% DONATION Often promoted as the best way of getting rid of your money while feeling good about it, donation in fact has the opposite effect. The vast majority feel awkward as they hand over the money, clumsily trying to avoid the $50 note in their pocket. A much better way to get rid of money while feeling good is to go out and by a whoppingly expensive consumer appliance. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% DULL Yes it is, isn't it. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% FACE The mass of skin, teeth and other parts that form the front section of the head. Faces can be arranged in any number of combinations, for differing reactions, such as horror, nausea, and laughter. Facial hair can be allowed to grow, principally by men who: - want to look like folk-singers - make up for the lack of hair on the rest of their head - just can't be bothered shaving. The increasingly popular "goatee" beard still looks really silly to me, I'm afraid. The remainder of the face is generally made up of two eyes, a mouth, and a nose. Someone should tell the people who make Lego. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% FALL To drop in altitude rapidly. Audible responses to sudden falling should be made as follows: IN THE FIELD OF RESPONSE ----------------- ---------------------------------------- Mountain climbing Oh shit, I'm going to die Aeronautics Oh shit, we're all going to die Stockmarket Oh shit, we're all going to have heavily reduced equity -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% FAT Research has now shown that Fat is actually an alien life-form that travels the galaxy, looking for other beings to attach itself to. Fat beings first arrived on Earth in the late 1960s, attracted by signals sent into space by the Graceland Observatory in the US. Fat beings are now found in most areas of the world, but mostly attached to Maggie Tabberrer. There are theories that the dispersion of Fat beings from one's body may be achieved by performing diet and exercise rituals, but this is pure speculation. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% FARTBOROUGH, LORD (1783-1827) English statesman. He lived all his life at Fartborough Hall, in Essex. Fartborough is best remembered for his resounding posterior evacuations, from which the most obvious word is coined. Their resonation with the brickwork of Fartborough Hall eventually caused its collapse, burying Lord Fartborough at last with his revolting odour. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% FINE Term used by weathermen when they don't really know what it's going to be like. Of course, if the rest of us made as many mistakes in our jobs as weathermen do in theirs, the entire world would be a disaster area. "Well guv, I expect if we use this plastic pretend bolt to hold up this building, the structure will be FINE with possible later collapse on Thursday." -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% FIRE Red and/or yellow hot thing. Don't touch. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% FIVE The fifth number, except for computer people, who always seem to count from zero. The number five was first conquered in the sixth century BC by Pythagorus, who was taking time off on his theorem to enter a counting competition. He came first, breaking the world counting record of the time, and subsequently appeared in the Ginthorus Book Of Records. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% FREUD, SIGMUND (1856-1939) Austrian gynaecologist and founder of psychoanalysis. And a down-right pervvy. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% FRICK, MR The most unfortunate name for a school teacher in the universe. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% FUCK You've just been waiting for this definition, haven't you. Here is how to use the word 'fuck' in almost any conversation. NORMAL EXPRESSION FUCKING EXPRESSION --------------------- ------------------ I am surprised Well, fuck me Please go away quickly Fuck off My condition is one of fatigue I'm fucked You seem to have made an error of judgement You fucked up Stop engaging in frivolous activities Stop fucking about He is a person of below average intellect What a dumb fucker That option is not a suitable choice Fuck that I have not made significant progress I've done fuck all -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% PHOENIX This shouldn't be in here. It just sounds like it starts with an F. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% GARDEN The garden is where all the nasty bugs and insects that you see on those wildlife documentaries are. A succession of features on spiders, ants, bees and wasps, all filmed using really expensive lenses, have left me scared shitless of the slightest bit of greenery. I've even been giving the plastic Christmas tree some funny looks. Are those sparkly things meant to be on it? Tinsel, eh? What genus is that? I'm not sure why David Attenborough et al are convinced that we need to see a giant 17 inch Huntsman crawling across our screen to devour another garden inhabitant. Lucky we haven't got a bigger telly. And why do those programmes always concentrate on only two events in the species' day? Humping and eating. Don't they get to do anything else? Imagine what would happen in a documentary about humans. All we get to see is your average human eating Maccas, doing the mating dance in the nightclub, followed by the quick grope back at his place. It wouldn't exactly cover the full gamut of human existence, would it? -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% GAS What liquid turns into if you boil it. The basis for Kernigan's Third Law. Kernigan's Five Laws of children's science TV programmes are as follows: 1) Dried ice is interesting 2) An egg can fit through a milkbottle 3) Steam looks good and is cheap to make 4) Mirrors never fail to delight 5) Magnets the compass maketh -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% GENERATION, OLDER The people that don't understand you. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% GENERATION, YOUNGER The people that you don't understand. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% GENITALS The bits of the body that are used specifically for rude purposes. They come in varying shapes and sizes, and are used in varying ways. Please don't expect a detailed biological examination of these most enormously complex body parts, or even a cheap joke about the size of penises. However, as a tribute to the late, great, Mario Innuendo, from here, we will substitute the word "the" with the word "penis" in capital letters for the remainder of this TCWF. Nah, on second thoughts... -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% GERM Another of those tiny tiny organisms that you can't see, and often wonder if they haven't just been made up by scientists to hold together the fabric of society. Rumour has it that germs were simply designed to get you to wash your hands after going to the lav, to keep soap manufacturers in business. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% GLASS Container which shatters at the most inconvenient and unexpected moments. Glasses are known to have properties that cause them to throw themselves out of people's hands. Glasses are also specially designed not to bounce. On anything. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% GOAT A horned beast, known to cross troll-infested bridges in packs of three. Goats are unable to eat flowers, lest they explode. The goats, I mean. It'd be pretty silly if flowers exploded. Then they couldn't have florists. They'd become explosists. "Anywhere in the world, send a message to show you hate. Intexploder." -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% GOLDFISH Small orange coloured fish designed to fit easily into cat's claws. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% GOOD The opposite of bad. Just down the road from nice. Around the corner from great. A world away from nasty. And simply not related to flowerpot. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% GRASSY KNOLL It's so lucky that someone happened to be filming when JFK got shot. Ever since then, they've made sure that there is a camera trained on the President 24 hours a day. Which is why we always see Bill Clinton jogging, eating McDonalds, etc. About the only thing we don't get to see him doing is having a crap in the White House Out House. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% GREATBIGOSAURUS Last of the great dinosaurs, the Greatbigosaurus became extinct just last week, when it got run down by a film-crew on its way to film a Traffic Accident Commission commercial. Well, come on, if you were 65 million years old, you'd be a little slow crossing the street too. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% HAGGIS A Scottish dish made of the heart, lungs, and liver of a sheep, chopped up with suet, onions, oatmeal etc, seasoned and boiled in a sheep's stomach-bag or substitute. I think I'm going to be sick. Have you ever considered the argument that vomit is a lifeform in itself, subject to the same foibles as the rest of lifekind? Pretty stupid idea, huh? Well, I thought so too, until I was convinced by a most holy and devout man, shouting very loudly in the street one day. He told me that vomit was food that was reborn. He gave me a leaflet about it, and - do you know - it changed my life. Suddenly, I could look at vomit the way I had never looked at vomit before. It became part of me. I could talk to it, express myself to it, and before long, take it for picnics in the forest. And the vomit would talk back. It would read me poems. It would sing songs about regurgitation. And it would tell me jokes. Very bad jokes. It would tell me jokes with incredibly bad punch lines. And I eventually came to a conclusion. That vomit is sick. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% HAIL Like rain, but harder. Meteorologists have conducted studies about the weather patterns relating to hail, and the likely occurrence of it, and have concluded that it is most likely to hail when you are walking down the street without even an umbrella for protection. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% HAMMER A tool for hurting fingers. Hammers are generally made of a specially magnetised metal that is naturally attracted to skin. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% HANDKERCHIEF A piece of cloth designed specifically to be filled with snot. Which must rather irritate it. I mean, I'm sure that you'd be pretty pissed off if you had only come into existence to be wiped on people's noses. I know I'd be annoyed if people left bogies on me. Which is why hankies are fighting back: They endeavour not to be in your pocket when you are suffering a sneezing attack. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% HAREOKE Japanese tradition. The practice of singing a song very badly in front of lots of people, then killing yourself out of embarrassment. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% HARVEY SMITH The gesture made by the more careless visiting American presidents to Australians. (Honest.) -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% HATE To dislike something immensely. If you would are interested in hate, and would like to take it up as a hobby, contact the Hate Everything League. They hold regular meetings at Hate Hall, where members read odes to Barry Manilow, sing songs about Volvo Drivers, rip Cobol source-code print-outs to shreds, and burn effigies of software company support line operators. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% HISTORY Look, there's no point dwelling on the past, okay? What's done is done. It's much better left forgotten. No-one wants to know about adolescent foolishness these days, do they? Just leads to embarrassment in later life. After all, the damage wasn't all that bad, and the RSPCA said they wouldn't press charges. So just forget it. (And actually, I reckon the hippopotamus kinda liked it.) -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% HOLY Something containing a lot of holes, such as the Bible. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA I'M going to get struck down for that one, aren't I? Or at the very least, lose both the remaining Christian subscribers. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% HONESTY Honesty cannot be undervalued. And while I'm on the subject of honesty, have I told you about an exciting business opportunity that could make you thousands of dollars without hard work or expensive capital investment? Yes, bank robbery is an exciting new idea, and you could be one of the first to buy an exclusive franchise in your area. For just $30,000, we'll provide a fully detailed instruction manual on how to do a bank robbery. Ring today and we'll include two luxury pure wool dry-cleanable balaclavas, perfect for those anonymous jobs when you just don't want to be identified on the News. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% HORSE I begin to seriously doubt the viability of a dictionary that defines "horse" as "a soft-hoofed ungulate." A horse is actually any four legged creature in a Western movie. Except a cow. The horse's major contribution to mankind has been shit. Such was the level of horse shit production late last century that measures were taken to centralise its disposal. For the last hundred years, all the horse shit in Australia has been taken to one place for burial: Dubbo, the shithole of Australia. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% HUMAN The human being either evolved from the biologically very similar ape, or was created along with the rest of the world in a six-day creative spurt by an anonymous god. The human body is a wonderful thing. Well, most of them are. Humans have one mouth and a limited number of genitals, which is probably just as well. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ICE What water becomes if you freeze it. (See "gas", "Celsius") The main uses of ice are to cool down drinks with, place down people's backs, and economical housing for Eskimos. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% INCOMPETENCE A politer word for stupidity. If you are accused of incompetence, just remember, it is far better to be incompetent than incontinent (see below). -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% INCONTINENCE Now let's make it clear. Incontinence is not something to be laughed at. It is a very serious and discomforting condition. It can't be easy walking around with large amounts of urine wanting to leap into the outside world at every step. Incontinence can be fatal, too - yes, people have drowned. The most serious outbreak of incontinence occurred at the Fourth Annual International Incontinence Conference, which the organisers had unfortunately booked into an underground concrete lined conference centre with below average drainage facilities. After the stairs collapsed, all the delegates remaining in the building went to a pissy grave. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% INHERITANCE If you are expecting a large inheritance when your grandparents snuff it, have you considered investing it in the Custard Unit Trust? The Custard Unit Trust has the full endorsement of the author of Toxic Custard, and has a guaranteed return of 20%(*). Custard Unit Trust has many and varied investments, but specialises in putting money into many of the best alcoholic beverage corporations and gambling establishments of this country. For a copy of the prospectus entitled "Throw Your Money Our Way", lodged with the Consumer Affairs Department in August 1993, ring Freecall 1800-123456. (*) This means that you are guaranteed to get 20% of your investment back. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% INJECTION Medical procedure especially developed to scare the shit out of the patient, and give the doctor a feeling of power. "Just sit very still, Mr Jones, while I stick this bloody great needle in you. Now, is that new, or did I use it on that drug addict... No no, fairly sure it's a new one. Just sit still Mr Jones. You may feel unbearable pain as the spike rips through your skin. If you wish to scream so the patients in the waiting room can hear you, please do so." -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% INSECTICIDE Insecticide is a wondrous substance used to kill poor little innocent insects, whose only fault is that they like crapping in your food, nibbling on your skin, and buzzing around. But why use conventional insecticide when you can use DDT?! From a real advert for DDT, circa 1947: "To keep your dog free of fleas and protected from ticks, dust him once a month with Taylor's Number 13 DDT Powder. Happy dog - he can't bring fleas into the house anymore!" ...because he's outside dying on the lawn, no doubt. Rover! Get up! And put your fur back on! -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% INSTRUCTIONS 1. Take your new Toxic Custard out of the box, and check that all the parts are present. (Main heading, body, dividing hyphens, back-issues plug, signature) 2. Place the dividing hyphens at suitable places within the body, taking care to ensure that topics are kept apart. 3. Insert the main heading above the body. 4. Append the back-issues plug and signature in that order, below the body. Slot disclaimer A into signature B. PROBLEM SOLVING If you have problems reading your Toxic Custard, before calling for service, please ensure that you are not wasting everybody's time and generally being an ignorant consumer by making sure that: - all jokes contain sufficient puns - your Toxic Custard is not overrun by innuendo - no obsolete sideways messages have made their way into the text - the signature includes a (probably useless) copyright message -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% INTERDIGIT Another one of those words that no-one of any importance ever uses. Probably devised by the same guy who thought up "recalcitrant". In fact, the sort of word that is more sensibly expressed using one or more other words that people can actually understand. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ISM Any distinctive doctrine, theory or practice. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ISMISM Belief in any distinctive doctrine, theory or practice. Ismism was started up in the mid-1980s by a splinter group from "Atheists For Christ". Ismism meetings gained quick popularity, and Ismism leader Ralph Snider travelled the world promoting his paper "Why I Argue A Lot". The followers of Ismism are generally agreed to be very confused people. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% I-SPY Simple spelling game which can get a little boring if played consistently for more than four hours at a time. So boring, in fact, that you may feel the necessity to play not "I-Spy", but "I-Hit", a game which runs more or less like this-: PERSON 1: "I hit with my little fist, something beginning with H" PERSON 2: "Erm.. head?" PERSON 1: "Correct!" PERSON 2: "*Ouch!*" -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% KANGAROO Large marsupial that spends its time bouncing around the outback, leaping over wombats and echidnas, and being hunted by Aborigines with boomerangs. Does anyone actually believe this Aussie cliche stuff? -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% KENNEL A place where sleeping dogs lie, shelter from rain, and chew on dubious bones dug up from other people's garden. Toxic Custard advice of the week is: Never steal anything from a Rottweiler's kennel. While you may not get caught, you are more likely to leave fingers than fingerprints behind. And for the gentlemen, this has a Bollocks Loss Likelihood rating of 93%. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% KETTLE Device designed to heat up water, whistle just too quietly for you to hear when it's finished, boil dry, explode and burn your house down. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% KEYBOARD Object which takes the brunt of your frustration with a computer. This is, oddly, even the case when the physical computer that is sticking its virtual tongue out at you, is many kilometres, or even timezones, away. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% KHRISTMAS (Well, I had to get it into this week's, didn't I?!) Christmas is a wonderful time of year. Just a shame the Christians seem to be trying to take control of it. The last thing you want to be reminded of around Christmas is religion. No, Christmas is a time for retailing. All the department stores put their special Christmas ads on the telly, showing happy, glowing families wandering around, paying happy, smiling shop assistants for cheerful presents. What a complete lie. Has anyone ever seen a shop that empty at Christmas? Or got service that fast? -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% KILL It must be a result of the inherent violence of humans that in the Thesaurus, there are over 200 words for 'kill', but only 23 for 'resin'. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% KILN The only thing in the art room you weren't allowed to touch in primary school. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% KIOSK Small roofed stall that sells overpriced refreshments that nobody really wants to eat, but are trapped in the confines of an arena, stadium, etc. "No sorry mate, ain't got any pies. 'Ere, how about a mouldy sausage roll? Only three months expired. Or these hot chips. Well, they used to be hot. We've got the soggy or rock hard varieties. No? Melted ice-cream? Aww okay, a floppy hotdog and a flat Coke it is then." -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% KIPPER A male salmon during the spawning season after spawning. I still wonder why Jewish boys wear kippers on their heads. It must get very smelly during the summer. Perhaps they should turn to cod. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% KITCHEN The kitchen has been statistically proven to be the room of a house that a man is least likely to die in. Because he's never in there. The laundry came a close second. So there you go guys - to statistically cheat death(*), just spend all your time in either the laundry or the kitchen. If you can find them. (*) A fairly stupid idea -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% KLU KLUX KLAN People without a Klu. See Wanker. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% KNACK That indefinable balance between fluke and skill. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% KNEE-JERK REACTION A controlled upwards movement of a knee into the groinal area of a jerk. Very fun, excepting when one is on the receiving of the said upwards movement. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% KNOB Erm... protruding object designed for easy grip to umm... See Innuendo -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% KOALA Small furry Australian marsupial. Don't believe what you see on the telly, these are vicious little bastards. They'll quite happily claw you to death then piss all over you if you don't give them a Eucalyptus leaf to eat. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% KRISHNA The Hare Krishnas now have a security van service operating for the delivery of money and other material objects. Guards prevent robberies using chanting and gongs. For details, contact: Ramaguard. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% KYLIE I discovered today that "kylie" is actually Aboriginal for a boomerang. Which explains how Kylie Minogue's career keeps bouncing back, despite a lack of talent. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% MACADAMIA I'd like to call upon the readers of TCWF to support the Freedom For Macadamia campaign. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% MADNESS A condition that can drive people to buy albums by a Minogue in the mistaken belief that they contain any display of talent. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% MALAYSIA Shhh! Nobody say "recalcitrant"! Seriously though, we shouldn't insult the Malaysians. Yes, I know it's very easy to do. But we shouldn't. Because we should be respectful, we should be honourable, we should be gracious at all times, and because they're bigger than us and we would be in very deep shit if they decided to invade. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% MALOUF, DAVID (1934-) Australian novelist, academic, and someone who my father bores me shitless by talking about all the time. "You've got cold you say? Well you know, Malouf said that influenza is like a bond between man and the unquestionable questions of existence..." What bollocks. [See Meaning] -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% MAN o /|\ / \ -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% MANIAC There are many people in our everyday society who, had they been born a few hundred years ago in an area with a feudal system of administration, would have fulfilled their inner wishes to be Genghis Kahn. You know the type of people - the ones who we instead see pushing vainly forward on the locked entrance doors to the station platform even though the train's not there. "Fuck it! Let me through - I'll walk to Sydney. It's only fuckin' 600 miles!" -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% MARINA One of those places where lots of people in boats sail around, and little kids hang their fishing rods over the edge in the belief that they're going to catch a whopper which will feed their family that night. And where you can walk to the end of the pier and buy a Coke for $3. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% MARK, MARKY I don't know what it is about these people who not only have first and surnames starting with the same letters, but also have the nerve to get famous with those names. I guess their parents were all alliteration enthusiasts. The thing about people who are famous is, their names always *sound* famous too. Because they are. I'm now uncertain where this train of thought is heading. In fact, I think I'd be correct in saying that this train of thought seems to have come off the rails, is hurtling over a cliff and will shortly explode into flames. We apologise for any inconvenience. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% MATADOR Spaniard who kills bulls. Somewhere, probably in Bull Heaven, there's a place where Spaniards get mercilessly taunted, then knifed by a bull to the cheering of hundreds of other bulls. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% MATHS And now for a quick mathematics lesson. Firstly, back to the basics. If you have five Peter Andre CDs, and you smash two against the wall, burn another, stomp on one, and frisbee one more out of the window, how many do you have left? None. Which is absolutely the correct number to have. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% MEGABOGUE (1987-) Megabogue's music has been described as "anal sadistic", "creative lionism", and "a load of shit" by various critics of differing intellectual standards over the years. The crux of their music is a complete lack of talent or effort put into their recordings. This lack of any concern or care in their work has brought many classically bad and unpopular works into the public eye, and generally straight out of the public mouth and into the nearest bucket. They have not been so much thrust into the limelight as vomited into the taupelight. To this criticism, the members of Megabogue would probably argue their case thus: "Fuck off!" -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% MEMOIR A book written by someone who has fallen out of the limelight and is struggling to get back in. Generally hardback and costs at least $25. Generally a work of fiction by the author, claiming how great he/she was/is. The best memoirs are written sufficiently late that there's no-one else still alive to refute what the author says. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% MEANING When you say you're going to rip both my testicles from my groin and stuff them down my throat... what do you really mean by the word "groin"? -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% MIDDLE The section before the end, and after the beginning. The middle can be defined as that dull bit when you've just got used to something, and you're unaware that its going to end soonish. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% MOUSE Computer input device, named by some scientists at Xerox when they were pissed out of their brains. They also labelled the computer's display screen a Vole, but were less successful in spreading of this term. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% MOUNTAIN Something which men seem to delight in being able to climb just so they can stick little flags in it at the top to show that they've climbed it, and can then apply for Fame from the Warhol Institute For Handing Out Fame. Generally a waste of time. And I can prove it. Name five mountaineers. See? -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% MUSIC A terribly, terribly subjective thing. [Don't see Megabogue] Classicists argue that the best music moves transparently into your brain, and makes you fall asleep without even realising it(*). Which is why any piece of music whose title even mentions the words "Symphony" or "Canon" sends people to sleep. (*) Generally they only realise it when they discover themselves walking down the street naked, or inexplicably jumping from a cliff into an alligator's mouth. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% NEEDLE An object of evil. It was devised by the evil Count Pierre deNeedle, one of those French bastards who wore a top hat and was always tying maidens to railway tracks in deserted black-and-white valleys, and setting off nuclear bombs on peaceful Pacific islands. The needle was designed for two purposes: - To be found in unexpected places by sitting on it, catching your finger on it, or having some other part of your anatomy punctured by it, followed by a loud hailing from the vocal chords, often the phrase "shit!" - To infuriate any person trying to sew, by waiting until you are just about to get the thread through the little hole, then concentrating all its energies and moving two millimetres to the right. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% NEIGHBOUR One of those people you occasionally smile at when walking down the street, but rarely develop such a bond with that they are concerned when your burglar alarm goes off when you're on holiday. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% "NEIGHBOURS" Australia's revenge on Britain for constant royal tours. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% NEWT One of those really small beasties that annoys little kids because they're too small to step on. I dunno though - if you were flying along and got caught in the downward air-draught of a descending foot, it'd do serious damage, wouldn't it? -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% NIGHT That time of day when it isn't. Night is generally recognised by an overall lack of light, and the sudden manifestation of strange noises which feed paranoia. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% NLQ (NEAR LETTER-QUALITY) Euphemism in the field of computer printers. When the salesman says "yes sir or madam, this printer here offers Near-Letter-Quality printing" they actually mean "what, you're too stingy to shell out on a laser printer? Why not just write it all out by hand? Don't want to invest in the pencils? You scumbag." -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% NOBODY, MR Semi-mythical person whom I was always told would come to clean my room. But he never did. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% NOSE Outlet located in the middle of the face. Used for smelling, breathing, and the output of extraneous waste. Beats me why snot couldn't have exited through the arse like most of the other waste coming out of the body. Perhaps it was more economically viable to have a secondary solids outlet. Actually it's just as well that people don't send their other waste through the nose. Then we'd need flushing handkerchiefs. And farts would be much more noticeable. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% NOTICEBOARD A large board placed somewhere in the office, where administrative- type people place important notices that no-one ever reads. Also the location of very bad cartoons on the subject of office life, pinned up by the office wag. [See wanker.] 97% of office workers ignore these, and instead find their entertainment in the Gary Larson calendar that at least one person per office has on their desk[*]. This desk will become a focal point for meeting throughout the year, where from will be heard guffaws aplenty[+], except from the person who actually sits at that desk, who will wish that everyone will piss off so they can do some work. [*] Yes, it's me this year. [+] Accompanied by cries of "oh isn't he great!" and "how is he so imaginative!" -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% NOVEMBER Oh come on, that was months ago, it's pointless dwelling on it now. The word November is actually Latin. Nov means nine, indicating the ninth month, which is due to the guy who made up all the months having a bit of a problem with adding up. Ember is something to do with open fireplaces, which are popular in some parts of the Northern Hemisphere, making the name of this month hemispherist, of course. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% NULL MODEM Another one of those things which sits around on your desk for months, but mysteriously vanishes the day before you need it. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% OBJECT Another of those words which is very good an being fairly anonymous in its description of anything, and not actually meaning very much. Generally most useful when you want to describe something, but are unaware what the fuck it is. About as useful as "The definite article", which is not only stupid enough to be a definition which includes the word it's trying to define, but also includes the word "article", which means the same thing as object, yet nobody knows what it is. Which is pretty vague for something which is supposed to be "definite". -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% OBJET The same as "Object", but for the French and/or pretentious. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% OCEAN A large body of water between countries, which is probably the biggest peace-keeper in the world, preventing more countries from being permanently at each others' throats. Readers are advised when crossing oceans to always look both ways, and never walk on the water unless you are Christ. (Yeah look, I don't want to gloat or anything, but I did recently get a subscription request from a jc@heaven.rel) Once again, I apologise to any Christians reading this. (Of course, if I really cared, I wouldn't have written the last paragraph, would I.) -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% OCTOPUS Eight-legged sea creature that I just can't bring myself to eat. Even when I have the advantage over it that it's dead and I'm alive. And hungry. And sitting in a restaurant being offered food to eat. (See Order) -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ODD Odd things that you don't want people find in your house include: - that dead insurance salesman that you lost your rag at and buried under the stairs - the New Kids On The Block records that someone bought you as a joke - the fungus that is growing all over one side of the shower - all those Readers Digest metal tokens that you decided to keep because "they looked nice" when you opened the envelope just after downing forty-three consecutive stubbies - the (now dead) cat buried in the sofa that's been missing for three months, and which gives the livingroom that special aroma -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% OPERA For centuries now, Opera has been the foremost method of humiliation available to the security forces. It began in the late 1600s, when peasant rebels were made to dress up as ridiculously fat people and get up on wooden planks in front of hundreds of their peers and shout the same things over and over and over, to a musical accompaniment. By the time the French Revolution came rolling along, it was the aristocrats who were forced to the stage to sing, gesticulate wildly and loudly perform plays devised to spread Revolutionary propaganda. Nowadays, Opera has been driven underground, but is still carried out by the perverse, the deviant, and those with very big tits (both men and women), their audiences made up almost exclusively of establishment figures. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ORDER The process of telling the waiter what you would like to eat, preferably a choice from that on the menu. Following the ordering process, you will make a note of everything that they forget to bring you, and finally find the courage to kick up a stink when the meal's over and everyone's leaving. The procedure then is for the restaurant to fall over themselves trying to make it up for you, by offering a free X (insert your forgotten choice here) even though you're not hungry, you're leaving now, and you didn't order X anyway, you ordered Y. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ORIGINAL SOFTWARE Something of a rarity in this universe. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% OXYGEN A thoroughly useful substance to the vast majority of us. Without oxygen, we would die, and then life wouldn't be worth living. Which is irrelevant because we would be dead. And yet what would life be without life itself? A void of nothingness to be pondered by theologians. And yet without life there would be no theologians to ponder it... so I guess it wouldn't be quite so bad. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% Q The letter with the least number of amusing words in the alphabet. (So far). Generally found just before the letter U, entries for which will appear in several weeks. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% QUANTUM SUFFICIT The type of phrase that makes you wonder if this language would be any better off if there was someone in charge who had power of veto over the introduction of new words. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% QUEEN Not much of a career to get into if you can help it. Tends to involve flying all over the place being famous. But you don't get to make lots of movies. It must get a bit dull after a while actually. Everywhere the Queen goes all she gets to do is open things, do walkabouts, go to the races... But the really scarey thing about the Queen is that she has kids. This means that at sometime she and the Duke of Edinburgh... must have... you know... *done it*. Eugghghgghh. That's pretty frightening. And think of the possible embarrassment. What if a servant or a bodyguard walked in. "Oops, sorry your Maj.. hey, how did you two get into that position? Should I pick these robes up for you... oh, I should just go? Okay then.. yes, I'll just go. Just please try not to get any marks on the red carpet. Yes, I'm averting my eyes.. Oh. Beheaded? Thank you very much your Majesty." -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% QUEUE Something that supermarket supervisors obviously have no idea how to manage. It's tempting when you're waiting to grab a PA microphone and shout "Yes, shoppers, don't leave yet, 'cos we've got mega bargains now! All breakfast cereal, meat and dairy produce bought in the next fifteen minutes is 90% off! Stock up now!" Wait thirty seconds and all the queues will have disappeared. I sometimes get quite infuriated in supermarkets. Keep me off the roads - people are in enough trouble when they get in the way of my trolley. Some of them leave their shopping trolleys in the middle of the aisle. Next time that happens I'm gonna move it for them and then watch as they try to work out where they left it. I dream that one day they'll turn the whole supermarket into one big one-way system. "Hey, too bad if you don't want dog food because you haven't got a dog... too bad! You gotta go via the dog food anyway! What'dya mean you forgot the eggs... too late now! You'll just have to go around again! See you in hell, shopper! You there! Trying to climb over the frozen food section to get back to the shampoo! Get down here now! Reg - get the shotgun! ... ... Your attention shoppers, due to an... incident in the frozen food section, all shoppers will be detoured via hygiene products. We apologise for any inconvenience. Do not attempt to enter the frozen food section. Thank you for shopping at Dangerousway." -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% QUIBBLE Recreational sport. Quibbling began as a pastime for bored consumers. Since then it has spread, and we can soon expect to see Olympic Quibbling. "Here come's Anderson, Quibbling for Australia... yes, he's asking about the discount price... oh, and the special bonus offer. That shop assistant's on the run now... and I think he's getting ready to deal his most devastating final blow... yes, he's noticed the scratch in the upper corner. But oh no! He's just mentioned how they used to make them in the old days! Anderson has just bullshitted! Sensational news! Anderson, out of the Quibbling Final on a bullshit. Tragedy for the young athlete..." -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% QWERTY Type of keyboard designed to slow the typist down and confuse people who are learning to type. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% RAFFLE A way to get you to spend $2 in the mistaken belief that you have a newt's chance in a grinder of winning a hamper/car/holiday. There's something just not quite right about the principle of making money for charities which involves giving away expensive prizes. There's probably a loop-hole in the raffle laws that allows the raffle organisers *not* to give away prizes if the proceeds are to charity. Most proceeds actually go to rebuilding churches, upgrading kindergartens, etc. The more dubious ones go to sending brass bands to Queensland, building athletics clubs, and of course the newly created Custard Development Fund. The Custard Development Fund is dedicated to sending the author of Toxic Custard on a Hawaiian holiday. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% RAIN Another one of those things that is great to watch when you're not caught in it. Perhaps what we need to do is somehow make intelligent clouds that rain, but not actually *on* people. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% READERS DIGEST Ever wondered how effective those mailing campaigns are? Toxic Custard has obtained this internal Readers Digest report. Summary of mailing campaign: 43,000 sent competition letter 15,000 stupid enough to send back entry form 15,000 sent secondary draw letter with offer of Readers Digest sample and exclusive small brass token 3,000 request Readers Digest sample 3,000 sent Readers Digest sample with subscription offer 9 subscribe -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% REAP Formerly used in descriptions of agriculture, "reap" is now almost exclusively found in bad retail advertising campaigns, eg "We've cut prices so you reap the benefits!" shouted by manic announcers over footage of crazed shoppers smashing in doors. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% RECEIPT Proof of the purchase of goods. There are two distinct types of receipt: - the receipt that sits in your wallet for the best part of a year before you clean it out, and then pops up again regularly for the rest of your life, in desk drawers, stuck in books as bookmarks, or attached to the fridge with a magnet - the receipt that you think you put safely somewhere, but can't find when the goods that you bought falls apart/breaks down/ causes you to want to return the goods, for whatever reason. (See Return) -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% REFERENCE The academic way of copying what someone else has written. The best references don't actually exist. Which means they can say precisely what you want them to say. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% RENOVATION, IDEAL FOR See Demolition, Condemned, Wreck, Pile of bricks. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% REPEATS *Sigh*. Last week I finished watching the Countdown repeats. What a nostalgia trip. Back to the late-70s. Bit of a nightmare, actually. The memories came flooding back. I think that now I am ready to atone for my sins. Yes, it's true. I once had brown cords. I'm not proud. It's just something I did in the foolish years of my youth. One of many things, actually. On the other hand, when it comes to embarrassing fads of the Seventies, I do have several points on my side. To my knowledge, I never wore flares. I didn't like Kiss. Or Abba. Sometimes I think I was pretty smart, considering I was just a kid. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% REPRODUCE The sort of thing that Jeremy Beadle should be banned from. The Beadles actually have a history of practical jokes, right back to the days of Christ, when Jeremiah Beadle convinced Joseph that the only accomodation left in town was a stable. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% RETURN An experience of sheer terror. Here's some advice for when you want to return goods to their place of purchase. - Find the receipt. Okay, so you only bought your product X yesterday, the shop you bought it from probably only sells an X once in a blue moon and the shopkeeper in question has known you personally for a period of decades. But severe paranoia about the shop's denial of any knowledge of product X means you must have the receipt with you when you stroll in the door to have any confidence or strength when you begin with the words "I bought this yesterday..." (See Receipt). -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% RETURN An experience of sheer terror. Here's some advice for when you want to return goods to their place of purchase. - Find the bag that your product X came in, which naturally has the shop's logo plastered all over it. Failing this, you should try and find another bag, from a different time you went to that particular shop. No, it doesn't really make sense, just don't worry about it. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% RETURN An experience of sheer terror. Here's some advice for when you want to return goods to their place of purchase. - When you get to the shop, radiate confidence. For some reason, whenever I'm in this situation I get pangs of guilt going through my mind... "You don't really need to return it! It works okay if you hold it at a 30 degree angle! Don't be so petty! It only singed a bit of the carpet! Only the garden shed burnt down! It didn't fry the whole family! You've got a nerve, daring to declare the manufacturers to have failed in their goal of trying to bring you the perfect product X! They'll probably shed jobs over this! And you'll be personally responsible for the decline of dozens of families, and the eventual joint suicide of the workers at the ruined site of the bankrupt factory." -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% RETURN An experience of sheer terror. Here's some advice for when you want to return goods to their place of purchase. - If you're going to even think about mentioning refunds, take along proof of identity, a shotgun, several lawyers, and all of the above. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% RHETORICAL Well if you didn't want an answer, why did you bother asking a question? It's that kind of behaviour that leads to extreme irritation and eventual violence involving a jack-hammer, three bananas in various orifices and strangulation with a vacuum cleaner hose. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ROLLERBLADING By far the most fashionable way to injure yourself at the moment. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% SAMURAI Historically, a Japanese military retainer. Now the attracter of an abnormal amount of attention from young teenage boys, action film producers, and others stuck in their puberty. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% SAND Small grains of rock, which turn up everywhere for weeks after you've been to the beach. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% SCHEMA What you call a diagram when it gets too complicated and impressive to be called a diagram. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% SEA Where fish fingers come from. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% SEATTLE City in the north-western United States, in the state of Washington. This should not be confused with Washington DC, which is a city in the north-east. People who've failed geography, claim that 93% of places in the United States are named after George Washington. Rock music experts predict that by 2020, all musicians will be from Seattle. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% SEMESTER A university half-year, especially designed so that the first ten or so weeks are piss-easy, followed by about four weeks of assignment/revision/exam absolute misery. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% SHAMPOO Although shampoo is designed to clean hair, its name gives away its true make-up: artificial shit. For centuries the aristocracy continually got very annoyed, and beheaded the shit-sodden peasants for having less dandruff than they did. Then about two hundred years ago they realised that mixing shit into your hair was actually one of the best ways to get rid of dandruff. Of course, the cosmetics companies couldn't market real shit as a hair cleaner, so chemists came up with an artificial version. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% SHOTGUN Inspector Unnecessary-Violence's preferred method of persuasion. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% SIREN Originally a sea-nymph whose songs lured sailors to their death, a siren is now a loud wailing noise that goes off all the time and that everyone ignores because they hope its only a test. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% SCEPTIC TANK A new type of plumbing device. Once you flush, it looks at the situation and says "gee, I dunno guv, I'm not sure I can get that big turd down the S bend. Just that little too big, know what I mean? Looks very dodgy to me." -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% SPECIAL GUESTS What used to be known as a support act. When listening to support acts at concerts, look out for the drunken teenager nearby who has decided that he doesn't like them, and is demanding almost incomprehensibly that they "geeeeett offffff!" This demand will even continue between bands, when the PA is playing music off one of the roadies' CDs. When the main act actually comes on, he will follow this up with "oooiiyaaaaaeeaahh!" type screaming (now identified as being a regression to ancient caveman hunting calls), shouting himself hoarse in the vain hope that the star hears him and will be moved to personally come up to his seat and say hello. And of course clapping along with the songs, half a second out of sync, while gently swaying in the breeze of the indoor auditorium. Yes, all these things and more happened at the Lenny Kravitz concert the other night. Lenny Kravitz rolled into town with 14 trucks - 4 for the equipment, 10 for his ego. After some great music, Lenny declared that there "is only one God!" Problem is, he thinks it's him. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% STEERING COMMITTEE Picture a huge semi-trailer, hurtling uncontrolled down the road... and inside the vast cab, is the steering committee, trying to pass a motion to swerve to avoid a little old lady. "I would like to put forward a motion to steer 10 degrees left, to dodge the little old lady." "Any seconders? Objections...?" "Well, I'm uncertain at this point as to the potential viability of such a move. It would almost certainly involve indicator loadings, excess steering wheel turning, and the need for specialist mirror engineers to check the traffic in the next lane. I would propose cost-benefit analysis..." *SQUISH* "... ah well, I think the point may now be academic. But let's formulate a review study of the situation, in order that..." -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% STATIONERY Objects such as pens, pencils, stapler and sticky-tape. These have been studied over the last few years, and it has now been confirmed that they are able to move around a house or office on their own. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TAMPON COMMERCIAL A unique form of advertising, that shows just about everything except for the actual product. Typically seen are young women bouncing around beaches, on horses and running around gardens smiling a lot, enjoying their weekends. 98% of tampon commercial slogans contain the word "free", or a derivative. Which, if they're not careful, will result in hundreds of women flocking around tampon factories demanding they hand them over for free. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TAPE, MAGNETIC A form of storage, tape was especially developed to make it easy to record and re-record valuable images, sounds or data, onto it. The tape can then be played back at will, before suddenly getting caught in the heads of your tape deck one day and consequently losing all the valuable images, sounds and/or data. That's if a friendly neighbourhood magnet doesn't get at it first. The key to keeping your recordings safe is to invest in quality tapes, store them sensibly (ie in the most inconvenient way), and buy lots of head cleaners, demagnetisers, and whatever else the record shops can talk you into buying. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TARTAN Checked pattern that is far too loud, but permitted to be so because it's Scottish tradition. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TASMANIA That bit of Australia that always gets forgotten. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TELEMARKETING The practice of ringing you up when you're on the toilet just to ask you what you think about council mergers, would you like to donate to charity X, or would you like to get Call Waiting put on your phone. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TELEVISION Just a small box that sits in the corner of the room, but still manages to dominate your life. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TEST Computer term. The name of every file that you can't think of a proper name for. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TIE Useless piece of clothing, usually worn by men. For this reason the tie is often seen as a phallic symbol, but in fact it was devised as a substitute to prevent men being irritated by not being able to rub their own chest hair. The tie is therefore seen as the symbol of sophisticated man, an evolving species, with no time for the troglodytes of yesterday. "Ug, me no fondle chest hair. Me fondle tie instead. Tie good. Me fiddle with knot." -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% THESIS A work of great knowledge and thorough research on a very obscure subject, which upon publication is put in a library somewhere and never read again by anyone of great importance, except other thesis writers. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% THIEF i. Profession somehow made semi-glamorous in fantasy games, by making out that they are a noble breed of honourable men and women, who have their own organised societies and guilds, rather than weedy scumbags who break into your house and nick your video. ii. The character that no-one wants when they first play Dungeons & Dragons, because they can't kill monsters or cast cool spells. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TOTAL The sum or entire amount of a number of things, which if added by hand tends not to relate in any way shape or form to the values or attributes of those things. Oh bugger, where's the calculator got to? -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES Fictional alleged humour written during the early-1990s by some deranged git in Australia. Now known to cause permanent brain damage if consumed for long periods of time. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TRAFFIC A mass of sometimes moving, sometimes stationary metal blobs on rubber wheels, which doesn't seem to diminish even on declared smog-alert days. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TRAM Large green thing which rumbles down city streets, carrying people to where they want to go. Generally follows a predetermined path, but in no way subscribes to outlandish concepts such as "timetables". It is generally recognised that trams, like computers, shops, and a multitude of other services, would run much smoother if no-one actually used them.(*) (*) Trams would also run smoother if dickheads in cars could remember what the yellow lines meant, and how to avoid driving in lanes that feature this popular decoration. Computers would run smoother if not only were they not subjected to users, but could also reject programs and data, and just sit around all day humming. Shops would run smoother if they held no stock, never sold anything, and were filled in with solid concrete to prevent looters. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TREE Large plant form, most commonly favoured by dogs, children afflicted with climbing fixations, hungry cats, and logging companies. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TRIANGLE Three-sided object which, even in isosceles form, begins to get very boring after only a short time. For maximum excitement, an object with many more sides should be considered. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TRUMPET Musical instrument which is much harder to play than it looks. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TUSSOCK Word only used in novels about farms in out of the way places. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TUTOR One who teaches at a university. On the evolutionary scale, a tutor is barely above a lecturer, although usually several fashion points ahead. University tutors are widely believed to have very easy conditions, with only a few hours a week of tutoring, long holidays at the end of the year, corduroy loading, and long-necked skivvies provided free. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TYPEWRITER Writing implement now on the verge of obscurity. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% UFO Unidentified Flying Object. Also known by the acronym ACATMTTSAFMCAMMFFDOMLAIPIMSAMMP (Aliens Came And Took Me To Their Spaceship And Fed Me Cornflakes And Made Me Forget Five Days Of My Life And Inserted Probes Into My Skull And Made Me Pregnant.) It is now almost certain that UFOs were specifically designed to enable poor country-folk to rip off current affairs shows. Actually, most UFOs are considerably smaller than flying saucers, and are usually attributed to overhead seagulls. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ULTRA Prefix invented by marketing people. Used when "very" just isn't adequate. "Ultra" is actually quite old hat, most reputable marketing people having moved on to "mega". But be careful, because "mega" comes from the Greek, and they might want it back. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% UMBRELLA An object of amazing qualities. Umbrellas are even more adept at detaching themselves from their owners than stationery. They also send out subconscious thoughts to their owners. On days when it will rain, they urge "leave me at home... it won't rain... it will be dry..." And on days when it will be sunny and bright all day they claim "well, it might rain. Sky looks a little cloudy... you wouldn't want to get soaked, would you..." Many believe that umbrellas are in league with the Weather Bureau, who for years have contrived to cause weather harassment. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% UP Direction. To move up is to defy gravity for a short time, after which a plunging downward motion will follow. (See Investment). -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% URCHIN Descriptive of a mischievous child, especially a boy, who has not destroyed any of your property. An urchin who *has* destroyed some of your property is more properly known as a "little bastard that I'm gonna lynch if I get my hands on him..." -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% URINE What, you want this prestigious journal to sink to the level of the gutter (or even the sewer), by resorting to getting a few cheap laughs by talking about matters pertaining to piss? By discussing discharge? By explaining excreta? Not a hope. But I will launch into a brief tirade of naughty words: BUM BUM BUM FARTY ANUS FORESKIN BUTTOCK!! -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% USHER Formerly a person who would escort the audiences to their seats, cinema ushers are now relegated to clearing out the snogging teenagers in the back-row who haven't realised the film has ended. If you ever feel intimidated by over-zealous ushers, just look them in the eye and try to estimate how much more money you earn.(*) (*) If you don't, then accusing them of fascist leanings may be the correct course of action. Or not. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% VACANT Empty. Often descriptive of a house, flat, piece of land, mind, etc. The vacancy of houses, flats and land is usually advertised on big signs outside, and in newspapers. The vacancy of minds is advertised by a lack of understanding of even basic things such as gravity, a suitably vague sounding voice, and an annoying habit of "oh yeah, I agree with you totally right.. but..." -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% VACUUM-CLEANER Men have traditionally said of vacuum-cleaners "what's that?" New men know what vacuum-cleaners are, even if they've never touched them in the flesh. The vacuum-cleaner is essentially a device designed to scare the shit out of the cat, give an impression that the carpet is clean, and fill its own bag just as you're about to vacuum a really dirty room because you are expecting guests to arrive five minutes ago. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% VAGRANT One of those people who make you feel guilty (for not giving them money) and angry (for them bothering you in the first place) at the same time. Actually most vagrants in this city either keep themselves to themselves by being sleepy and smelly on street benches, or by cheerfully walking their way through inner-city streets with no shoes on, mumbling theories on modern civilisation. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% VALENTINE'S DAY The 14th of February. Every year on this day, any men who have forgotten the significance of the day report to casualty wards with their testicles in a small bag in their pocket. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% VANDAL Vandals are people who have their brain surgically removed and then go around destroying, damaging and generally depreciating anything they feel like, just because they want to. Psychiatrists have described this behaviour as regression, and a primal act of defiance against society. Society reply that this is a load of bullshit, and that they, with their psychiatrists, should be lined up against a graffiti covered wall and shot. I worry about some of the people writing graffiti, actually. Quite apart from the odd desire to have their meaningless illiterate scribbles displayed for all the world to see, I can tell that the number of cool nicknames left available for use is obviously a problem. Opposite my local station, two people have sprayed their names: "Q-Kumba" and "Salads". Now, I hesitate to jump to conclusions, but I think that any society where today's rebels have to resort to fruit and vegetables to get their nicknames is a society that needs to eat more meat. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% VANQUISH A word most commonly used in solemn ceremonies, usually of the form "Behold the devil, I now vanquish thee" in weird religious ceremonies or bad fantasy books. The amusing thing being that the speaker is generally of the mistaken belief that the use of a little Olde English will result in the demise of Satan for all eternity. "Oh no Earthlings, you have commanded me to be vanquished, so I must! Argghhh! You held up white candles! I'm done for!" It's far more likely to catch his notice, where-upon he proclaims "You must be joking, let's be having yer then", and drags the anguished soul down into hell. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% VAPULATION A flogging. Still used by judges to avoid public outcry when they sentence prisoners to "three months jail and ten vapulations." -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% VARNISH What you promise yourself you'll do to that unfinished furniture you have bought. And still haven't done twenty years later when it begins to fall apart. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% VAULT Like a basement, but more sinister. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% VELOCITY Like speed, but more scientific-sounding. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% VENN DIAGRAM Diagram of circles and lines which gives you your only chance to use that plastic template for drawing anything other than random arcs and odd-looking futuristic cities. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% VENTRILOQUIST Someone whose antics you get sick of after just a few minutes, and want to throw a bucket of water over just to see their dummy make blubbering noises. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% VETO Device by which one absolute bastard can spoil the work of everyone else. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% VILLAGE Word now almost exclusively used in tourist brochures just after the adjectives "enchanting" and "traditional". And possibly "quaint". Generally descriptive of a small settlement with more churches than shops, which gets boring rapidly, despite being picturesque. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% VIRTUAL REALITY Another one of those concepts that no-one over 45 really understands. See also: Information superhighway, Interactive TV. [Actually, come to think of it, *I* don't really understand all of these.] -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% VOLUNTARY Descriptive of an action which you are doing purely because you have been embarrassed into it. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% WADE A modified version of swimming for when you either just don't feel like actual swimming, have a paranoid fear of sharks or man-eating tuna, or have happened to arrive at the beach with a severe lack of bathing apparatus. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% WALL Structure of astounding simplicity. In terms of building and design, you can't get much simpler than a wall. Actually, no, I'm wrong, a floor is simpler to build. Because you don't have to worry about it falling over. Because it already has. Floors generally have very little job satisfaction, because it entails letting people walk all over them. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% WALLET Small container for carrying vital items such as credit cards, money, etc. Wallets traditionally vanish from your person at the most inconvenient time, resulting in you making a futile tour of your pockets looking for it, despite knowing full well you've left it at home. Wallets are also the traditional home for at least several dozen automatic teller slips, business cards from people you can't remember meeting, receipts of all shapes and sizes, and various other papers hidden in the more out-of-the-way pockets. Regular cleaning (say, every six months) will result in great pleasure as your wallet suddenly loses three-quarters of its weight and thickness, and it becomes possible again to carry it in your back pocket and walk at the same time. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% WALTZ The second rhythm button from the left. Doo ch ch Doo ch ch... -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% WAR I think Frankie Goes To Hollywood had it right. Put the leaders - the actual people who've insulted each others' grandmothers or whatever - in the ring, and let them beat the shit out of each other. And after the claims and counter-claims of steroids have been dismissed, we'd have a winner. Of course, us voters would soon realise what was going to happen if they didn't have strong leaders. John Major would be out. Japan's PM would be replaced with a Sumo wrestler. Bill Clinton might stand a chance if he keeps working out - but no more McDonalds. China would find someone who *isn't* due for a pension. And as for Australia, Keating might be good at calling people scumbags and recalcitrants, but I reckon we might get Bronwyn Bishop before too long. Yeah... stick the knee in, Bronwyn! -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% WASH An activity that, if men had their way, would only be done once or twice a month. Down beneath it all, most men would much rather cover themselves in mud and walk around in skins. Which explains the popularity of football. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% WEATHER Environmental conditions which necessitate the wearing of whatever article/s of clothing you just happen not to have brought with you. This is because weather has an average unpredictability factor of 97%. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% WHARF One of those places where noisy men hang around chewing tobacco and swearing and going on strike a lot. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% WINTER That time of year that everyone hates despite initially welcoming it after a long summer. Except for people who live so close to the equator that they don't notice the difference. Lucky bastards. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% WISH Futile optimistic desire for something. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% WORSHIP A be very humble to someone else, in the vain hope that they will grant you a wish. Worship may involve icons, idols, sacrifices, large cheques sent to the Bahamas, prayer, and drinking Kool-aid. One of the more unusual practices of worship took place amongst the Pangoylegoatsoup Sect of the early 1920s. These were a bunch of people so frightened of the imminent rise of the Anti-Christ, Byllierae Sirus, that they ritually set fire to their own hair, and chased shaven goats through the streets. Some dismissed them as loonies, but who's laughing now, eh?!? -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% WORRY Some things do worry me - like the balding bearded guy on the train this morning reading "The Problem of Population". He looked like in between stamp collecting he was seriously considering genocide. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% WRONG Incorrect, erroneous. Generally, the things that are most likely to be wrong are those which you feel the most confident about. This confidence has usually led you to proclaim it is an undeniable fact to all and sundry, and to generally stake your reputation/life/ fortune on it. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ZANTHOXYLUM Same as Xanthoxylum. The word most often saved for a triple word score in Scrabble. (C'mon guys, couldn't you find a sensible way of spelling it?!) -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ZERO Nothing. Zilch. Having no measurable size, amount. Normally used to describe intelligence, probability, bank balances, luck, investment funds, chance, laughs in this paragraph, etc. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ZIGZAG Descriptive of a straight line as drawn by someone who is either extremely intoxicated, has absolutely no coordination, is racked by indecision about direction, or any combination of the three. Any zigzag line drawn under the above conditions will in all probability involve more zigging than zagging (or vice versa), and in the case of intoxication, there is quite likely to be zogging, zugging and zegging involved. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ZEBRA A horse with stripes added. Now available in five different colours, and with optional spots. Zebras are now almost extinct, most of their number having been skinned to make pedestrian crossings. Just remember that the next time you cross the street, or play 'Abbey Road', you heartless bastards. Actually, I think if zebras had been spotted instead of striped, zebra crossings would be much more distinctive. Perhaps it's not too late to try leopard crossings. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ZIP Object placed in clothing, designed to get stuck at the most inconvenient and/or embarrassing times. When placed in men's trousers, the humble zip can be lethal, or at least very painful. I'm sure I don't need to explain why, but let's just say it makes most men wince almost as much as the word "Bobbit". Take care, chaps. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ZODIAC Twelve symbols based on constellations that someone probably saw through a very dodgy telescope, as they ain't up there now. The Zodiac has become the foundation for the income of astrologers, who fall into the Useless Portion of the Population, defined by Toxic Custard to include chain letter senders, ballet instructors, opera singers and arts students. Note that religious leaders are not included in this list -- they're good to laugh at. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ZOO Generally a large location where a number of animals are kept, often against their will. Designers of fenceless zoos need to be very careful when estimating the width and depth of the trenches against how far some of the more enthusiastic animals with sharp teeth can jump. A miscalculation could result in long searches for bits of zoo visitors inside various animals' stomachs. Security at zoos should always be a priority. Last year at Melbourne Zoo, five hooligans broke into the zoo at night and taught some of the gorillas how to do the long jump. Then the four of them showed the tigers how to climb out of their cages, and the one that was left was found feeding arms to the killer whales. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ABC - Association of Budget Culture -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% ALA - Australian League of Alcoholics -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% FFF - Fascist Fuckwits Federation -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% IRCA - Incredulous Ripped-off Consumer Association -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% RSWL - Returned Servicemans' Warmongers League -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% SHS - Society of Hamster Strangling -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% srt - small round thing (mechanical term) -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% SUB - Society of Utter Bastards -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% TAS - Thick As Shit (teaching term, descriptive of students and education ministers) -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% UPF - Unidentified Program Fuck-up (computing term, when you know there's something wrong, but have absolutely no idea where) -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% vlds - very long drum solo (musical term) -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% OBSCURE IMPERIAL MEASUREMENTS DISTANCE 43 miles = 1 goosefart 7 inches = 1 wanger 1/2 inch = 1 tadger VOLUME 73 pints = 1 sloshedbloke FREQUENCY 65000 hertz = a lot -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% HIBBERT THE BUILDER (1823-1860) St Hibbert made it into Sainthood City by building some of the most impressive cathedrals of the 19th century. Unfortunately it was realised later that many had structural defects, and by 1910, they had all collapsed of their own accord. Hibbert himself died when his house collapsed on him during a light breeze. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% OSBORNE THE WEIRD (1621-1664) St Osborne could be seen running around the streets of Naples wearing nothing more than a tea cosy. Which is a pretty good reason for being known as weird. He would often be heard squawking, saying what he claimed were the prayers that bears uttered, and smoking a strange weed-like substance. Which are several more reasons for being known as weird. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %% RALPH THE PERVERT (1214-1261) St Ralph was best known for his dubious pursuits involving furry animals, something that was, and still is denied by the church. In 1253 he formed the Society of Hamster Strangling, which became an underground organisation soon afterwards, and whose members still occupy parts of Brussels. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA %%