The "How to shoot yourself in the foot with" fortunes
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
6502:
        You shoot yourself in the foot.
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
68000:
   You can't decide which gun and which bullet to use, so you
  hang yourself.
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
Z80, 8080...:
   You foot yourself in the shoot.
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
Ada:    The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you
        a blindfold and a last cigarette.
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
APL:
        GN </ FT ^ BLT
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
BASIC (interpreted):
       You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg
       is waterlogged and falls off.
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
BASIC (compiled):
       You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile
       launcher.
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
C: You shoot yourself in the foot and then no one else can figure out
    what you did.
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
C++:
       You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the
       foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.
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COBOL:
       USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER
       ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PERFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO
       HIP.HOLSTER.
%%
How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
csh:
       After searching the manual until your foot fall asleep, you shoot
       the computer and switch to C.
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
dBase:
       You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and
       are promised to work so you buy them.  Then you find out that the
       next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually
       shoot bullets.
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
FORTRAN:
       You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
       toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway since no exception-processing
       was anticipated.
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
Modula-2:
       You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what
       might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
occam:
You shoot both your feet with several guns at once.
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
ORCA/C:
  Byteworks keeps promising to supply good ammunition RSN!
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
Pascal:
       Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the
       gun and your hand is blown off.
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
Pascal:
   You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but it tells you that your foot
  is the wrong type and out of range to boot!
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
PL/I:
       After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data
        processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes
       and drops the original on your foot.
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
Prolog (interpreted):
Your program tries to shoot you in the foot, but you die of old age
before the bullet leaves the gun.
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
Prolog (compiled):
The facts are against you. You try to stop the gun from shooting
  you in the foot, but it replies "No."
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
  Smalltalk, Actor:
       After playing with the graphics for three weeks the programming
       manager shoots you in the head.
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
Snobol:
       Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
And in FORTH:
   Foot Bullet shootInto.
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A favorite self defeating word:       SESQUIPEDALIAN
means: given to using long words.
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
And in C:             
   *foot = bullet; 
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
Assembly:
   LDA BULLET
  STA FOOT
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Fortran:
EQUIVALENCE (BULLET, FOOT)
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
Cobol:
   [omitted for space reasons]
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
TECO:
@fs/bullet/foot/
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
vi:
    vi
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
UNIX:
   alias ls rm -rf *
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
VMS:
  SET NOCONTROL = Y
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
MS/DOS:
  (sound of power switch being turned on)
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
Macintosh:
  "And here's your user manual."
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How to shoot yourself in the foot with...
Windows:
   "Why doesn't my mouse work right?"
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C++:       You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them
           all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible
           since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just
           pointing at others and saying, "that's me, over there."
%%
Ada:       If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United
           States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in
           front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his
           feet."
%%
Algol:     You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is
           esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent
           medic in the emergency room.
%%
Assembly:  You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system
           administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After
           a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself
           in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting
           at everyone in sight.
%%
DBase:     You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by
           the time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot
           yourself anyway. <rboatright>
%%
DBase IV version 1.0: You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun
           was a poorly-designed grenade and the whole building blows up.
%%
Forth:     yourself foot shoot.
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Modula/2:  After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything
           in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.
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sh, csh, etc.:
           You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five
           hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the
           computer and switch to C.
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Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing
           system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your
           workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character
           terminal.
%%
PL/I:      You consume all available system resources, including all the
           offline bullets. The DataProcessing&Payroll Department doubles
           its size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and
           drops the original one on your foot.
%%
Prolog:    You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing
           to find its mark, backtracks to the gun which then explodes in
           your face.
%%
SNOBOL:    You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to
           be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then
           changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).
%%
lisp:      You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
           which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
           with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
           gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
%%
scheme:    You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
           which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
           with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
           gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
           ...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.
%%
English:   You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.
%%
CLIPPER:   You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that ou
           can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that the
           bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the
           mail _REAL_SOON_NOW_.
%%
SQL:       You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it
           returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the
           attachment at the end of your leg.
%%
APL:       You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you
           don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.
%%
BASIC:     Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue
           until entire lower body is waterlogged.
%%
Unix: You shoot yourself in the foot.
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DOS: You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier.
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MS-Windows: The gun blows up in your hand.
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Windows NT: The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping
            it from one hand to the other.
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OS/2: The gun and the bullet aren't speaking to each other any more.
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Mac Finder: It's easy to shoot yourself in the foot -- just point and shoot.
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AIX: You can shoot yourself in the foot with either a .38 or a .45.
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IRIX: The Terminator shoots you in the foot.  A T-Rex bites your other foot.
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SVR4: The gun isn't compatible with your foot.
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Minix: You learn how to shoot yourself in the foot with a Saturday 
       Night Special.
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Linux: Generous programmers from around the world all join forces to help
       you shoot yourself in the foot for free.
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HURD: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot Real Soon Now.
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VM/CMS: IBM shoots you in the foot.
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VMS: \FOOT\ ambiguous: supply more toes.
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AMIGA-DOS: The gun works pretty well, except that few people use one and
           it's impossible to find bullets.
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Mach: The bullets work pretty well, but they don't make guns for it any more.
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Cray: You shoot yourself in the foot with an Uzi.
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MasPar: You shoot all of your friends' feet simultaneously.
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