New fortunes that come from various places as single fortunes %% If a block is moved, then it is no longer where it was, and it is now where it is. -- Ben Aveling - Planning for conjunction goals - CS Hons 1992 %% int temperature; double initialenergy, energy, finalenergy; int intlnumright, intlnumwrong, numright, numwrong; int intlnumtstright, intlnumtstwrong, numtstright, numtstwrong; int intlnumtrnright, intlnumtrnwrong, numtrnright, numtrnwrong; -- From anneal.c, dld@cs.monash.edu.au %% int agreewithunmassaged = 0; int tstconcursunmassaged = 0; int trnconcursunmassaged = 0; int unmsnumright; -- From anneal.c, dld@cs.monash.edu.au %% That's not my stomach, my stomach is this basketball shaped thing that holds my pants up. Doodle, American Eagle in Roger Ramjet. %% Women are such irrational creatures - they're so hard to get on with. I'm glad I'm a woman - that way I don't have to fall in love with one. -- Vanessa. %% If *I* was a woman - I'd just spend all my time at home fondling my breasts. -- Matthew J Ross. %% You don't know what love is until you are in love -- Chung S Khan %% 'Twas in a restaurant they met, Romeo and Juliet, They had no money to pay the bill, So Rome-od what Juli-et. %% Said Hamlet to Ophelia I shall draw a sketch of thee. What type of pencil shall I use... 2B or not 2B? %% Grass is nature's way of saying HIGH! %% If I tell you how much I like your body... will you hold it against me? %% Middle age is rather like your underwear, it creeps up on you when you're not watching. %% So many men - So little time... %% There are four things that you can do with the hurts that come into your life: nurse them; curse them; rehearse them; or reverse them. %% I tried to drown my sorrows...but they learnt to swim! %% I don't have a drinking problem...I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. NO PROBLEM!!! %% If at first you don't recede - DIET, DIET, again! %% Gluttony kills more than the sword. %% The February born will find Sincerity and peace of mind, Freedom from passion and from care, If they the Pearl will always wear. %% A mother first realises the meaning of the "Spitting Image" when she feeds her baby cereal for breakfast! %% Just what is a diet? A diet is self-denial. Fortunately, I'm such a swell fellow I haven't the heart to deny myself anything! - Garfield. %% It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife! - Anon. %% A 2 cent piece goes a long way nowadays - you can carry one around in your pocket for days before you can find anything to buy with it! %% One year comes, another goes. The gates of memories never close. - Anon. %% All little girls were born to become women. All little boys were born with the hope of becoming men. %% I was born and I shall die, that is all that should concern the general public. - Anon. %% We must learn to live together as brothers, or perish as fools. %% Wisdom is the principal thing, therefore get wisdom, and with all thy getting, get understanding. - The Getting Of Wisdom. %% The mind is like a parachute, it only works when it is fully open. %% Eat, drink and be merry...for tomorrow you may diet! %% Individuality is of far more account than nationality. - Anon. %% To try where there is little hope is to risk failure. Not to try at all is to guarantee it. %% Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop! %% We come nearest to the great when we are great in humility. - Anon. %% Dreams are true while they last, and do we not live in dreams? %% A woman who thinks she is intelligent demands equal riights with men. A woman who is intelligent does not. %% A cat's best friend is his teddy bear. - Garfield. %% I do not eat to live. I live to eat. %% Some people are wise. Some are otherwise. %% I disagree with what you say, but I defend to the death your right to say it. - Voltaire. %% Love doesn't make the world go round, but it makes the ride worthwhile. %% We never look at two people, or one person twice, in the same way. %% Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't! - Margaret Thatcher. %% Live each day as if it were Friday. %% There is one nice thing about egotists - they don't talk about other people! %% Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. - Albert Einstein. %% Music is the voice of the soul... May it live forever in any shape or form... For if it silences, the soul shall never speak again... - Dr X. %% Before you borrow money from a friend...decide which is more important. %% A friend was trying to describe some of the "facts of life" to his 15 year old son... "It's a fact of life... Males are born with 2 heads, but only enough blood to operate one at a time!" %% Your mother's so old, when I told her to act her age, she died. -- savarese%genesis.uucp@gte.com (Dave Savarese) %% Heard on the BBC's "Have I got News for You" programme... It seems prostitutes have already moved into the hotels at the new EuroDisney resort outside Paris. Apparently the cost is $50 to do it Goofy style, or $100 for a straight Donald Duck. -- scrl@hplb.hpl.hp.com (Simon Lewis) %% Atheist's Manifesto: "Kill 'em all, and let nobody sort 'em out." %% "Workstations are like toothbrushes. Nobody else may use mine, especially not while I'm using it!" - Robbert Van Renesse, during his talk at the Usenix Microkernel Workshop. %% This was told to me by a friend: His mother was apparently watching an old western movie with a friend, and this friend asked if cooks in the old west were all called "Cookie". My friends mother replied, "No, not all of them. Some were called Bernie." -Matt Davis %% q: What's the difference between hardware and software ? a: You can kick the hardware..... -- N.R.Ellis@durham.ac.uk (NigelR. Ellis) %% Q. Why should you always take 2 Baptists with you when you go fishing? A. Because if you only take 1, he'll drink all your beer! %% To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. %% If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. %% If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. %% People with narrow mind usually have broad tongues. %% All work and no play, will may you a manager. %% Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it! %% I like your approach, now let's see your departure. %% Definition of Stress: That confusion that results when the mind overrides the body's desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it. %% Q: What has got two legs and bleeds ? A: Half a dog... -- N.R.Ellis@durham.ac.uk (NigelR. Ellis) %% If you are ever caught in a thunderstorm while playing golf, the best way to keep from being struck by lightening is to pull out a 9-iron and hold it above your head, because not even God can hit a 9-iron. -- 94FC@williams.edu (fIREHOSE) %% Heard on WLUP in Chicago... What do Teamsters and sperm have in common? Only 1 in 1000 work. -- U25042@UICVM.UIC.EDU (Bob Jackiewicz ) %% This was told to be eons ago by a Navy Chief: Marines are like bananas; they're born green; they turn yellow; and they die in bunches. -- rice@bulean.enet.dec.com %% "All of you out there who believe in telepathy, raise your hand." "All right. Now, everyone who believes in telekinesis...raise MY hand." -- Dennis Owens %% Q: What is the primary objective of a street gang member? A: To pronounce the word "motherfucker" in one syllable. -- sater@cs.vu.nl ( Hans van Staveren) %% do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes? -- chevyn %% if cigarettes are the leading cause of most household fires in america, why do so many firemen smoke? -- chevyn %% Q: Why does so many computer nerds have pictures of beautiful girls in their X background windows? A: That's the only way they will ever have a chance to point at a pretty girl and say "She's my X girlfriend" -- rmz@ifi.uio.no (Bj|rn Remseth) %% A guy I know has C:\BELFRY in his PATH on his PC. Why? Because that's where he keeps his .BATs. -- rw@rational.com (Bob Weissman) %% Simon says: don't be so suggestible. -- vyxter@ftp.com (Vicki Streiff) %% Benny Hill: the master of the single entendre. -- Eric Altshuler: %% I will be building the ultimate RISC machine. I have reduced the instruction set to only two instructions: ON OFF -- billd@infmx.UUCP (William Daul) %% When Pierre Simon de La Place published his treatise on Solar system dynamics, Napoleon remarked that it did not mention God. La Place replied "I did not require that hypothesis." %% "This is an MX missile, the most powerful weapon system known to mankind. It can deliver 10 300+ KT warheads to an area the size of your patio. It could blow you silo clean to hell. Now in all this confusion, I forgot whether you got all 50 or only 40. You should be asking yourself one question, and the question is , do you feel lucky? Well do ya, PUNK?" (apologies to Clint...) - Mark Benson %% A friend of a friend was horrified to find out, at the age of twenty-five, that his life line was extremely short. When he tried to lengthen it (with his trusty Victorinox) he bled to death. -- bpaley@shearson.com (Brad Paley) %% Heard on NPR's Morning Edition on Friday, March 6, concerning the Michaelangelo computer virus: Michaelangelo .... the rogue program, which conforms to the IBM standard, ... IBM has a standard for viruses? %% >> You know you lead a sad life when a nymphomaniac comes up to you and >> says,"Let's just be friends." You know you lead a sad life when the girls who get around never get around to you. -- drl@vuse.vanderbilt.edu %% "In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies. In a Russian comedy, everybody dies too. But they die happy" -- Barry Farber, quoted in the Journal of Petroleum Technology %% Why would anyone name a computer virus after a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? %% (Seen in a miscellaneus column in the back of the Rocky Mountain News) Project: To determine what makes things tick. Plan: ....to stop the ticking. %% Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson commercial? "In 6 years I'm going to Disneyworld!" -- wbbennet@eos.ncsu.edu %% I came up with a new Politically Correct term, Religiously Impaired Unfortunately, I don't know if it applies to atheists or fundamentalists. -- palmerc@abulafia.ingr.com (Christopher M. Palmer) %% Whil topping off my gas tank at a California self-service gas station this morning, a policeman next to me remarked "You know it's illegal to top off your tank here." I replied, "I had my eggs over easy this morning too. Lock me up before I start tearing off mattress tags!" -- lee@puck.mport.com %% This is an origional that I came up with about 2 hours and 32.3 minuits ago. It has to be the biggest Frequently Asked Question (FAQ) on the net. "Is this an FAQ?" -- andrewm@zooid.UUCP (Andrew McCallum) %% Peter: ... what did you take? A: I was in history. Peter: Why did you stop? A: I found history to be a waste of time. -- rodney@math.toronto.edu %% Did you you know that Saturday Night Live's 'Waynes World' skit is the one number one most watched TV comedy in Russia ? NYET! -- n8735053@henson.cc.wwu.edu (Iain) %% What do you call having sex in the back seat of a Volkswagen? Fahrvegnookie. -- kmoore@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Kyle E Moore) %% Ovary 1: Did you order any furniture? Ovary 2: No, why do you ask? Ovary 1: Two nuts are downstairs trying to shove an organ through the door. -- ingham@triton.unm.edu (Kenneth Ingham) %% Original quip on the space telescope we all like so much. A few articles were posted in sci.astro.hubble but nobody could read them. From: vijay@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Vijay Rangarajan) %% One claim for the value of the British monarchy is that its existence precludes anyone from aspiring to absolute rule. I have a theory that the American presidency serves a similar purpose, precluding anyone from managing the government. -- sybase!jeff@sun.com (Jeff Ranstrom) %% Told by my doctor: "Religious intolerance is getting to be a greater problem in this country. I understand some Unitarians were caught burning question marks on people's front lawns." -- Lane_Molpus@next.com %% Have you heard about "Sophie's Choice" Potato Chips? They're small, but you can only take one. -- bobl@cs.ubc.ca (Bob Lewis) %% Heard this morning on National Public Radio: Paul Tsongas, Greek for "None of the Above..." -- barach@hal.com (David Barach) %% The joke about "as clean as Soap and Water could get them" reminds me of what my friend Mark Carlson used to say as he sat down to eat: (rubs hands, inhales appreciatively) "Ah -- a meal fit for a king!" (looks around) "Here, King!" -- Dave Zobel, DeskTalk Systems Inc., Torrance CA USA %% Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences. -- mirk@system-simulation.co.uk (Mike Taylor) %% Bush: The only President to have a league named after him! -- esmith@psych.purdue.edu (Eliot Smith) %% >From a speech by Ray Albers, assistant VP for Technology Planning at Bell AtlaAtlantic, made at last week's ComNet convention here in Washington DC: "If it works, it must be obsolete." -- pescator@brutus.ncsl.nist.gov (John Pescatore) %% Seen on soc.culture.thai : for.eign aid ['fo.r-*n 'a-d], n.: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- fabrice@sj.ate.slb.com (Fabrice Le Metayer) %% The other day someone asked me what I thought about the JFK assassination. I replied "There was a coverup. It worked."... -- jacob@tcsi.tcs.com (Jacob Butcher) %% This one turned up on the FAX network the other day (that's right, FAX!). I hope it is not thought of as racist - it is not intended to be. I'll leave it up to your judgement. Job vacancy advertisment. Wanted: small black man for job as a mud flap. Must be flexible and willing to travel. -- fbm@ptcburp.ptcbu.oz.au %% This reminds me of one I heard, attributed to Santa Monica High... Final exam in philosophy: "Prove that the chair on the desk does not exist". Student turned in "What chair?" and got an A. -- michael@stb.info.com (Michael Gersten) %% Dear necrophiliacs We love you. --The Grateful Dead %% What makes a man think he's so great -He has a bellybutton that won't work. -He has tits that won't give milk. -He has a cock that won't crow. -He has balls that won't roll. -He has as ass that won't carry a thing. -- cs218a57@cs.iastate.edu (Turbo) %% Have you heard about the new Super Sensitive condoms ?, they hang about after the man leaves and talk to the woman. -- Elayne Boosler. %% Don't ever speak more clearly than you think... -- Neils Bohr %% Deja Vu: The feeling you've heard a joke before. Deja Vu: The feeling you've heard a joke before. -- ianb@netcom.com (Ian Barkley) %% I realized this morning why Reagan and Bush were such a good combination. We called Reagan the Teflon President. Given the way Bush continually changes his mind on the issues based on current political pressures, he must be the Waffle President. -- wozny@spot.colorado.edu (Christopher Wozny) %% Q: Who do you hire to build an ivory tower? A: Deconstruction workers. -- denelsbe@cs.unc.edu (Kevin Denelsbeck) %% Q. Why is Cinderella such a bad soccer player? A. She keeps running away from the ball! %% Q. Why is Cinderella such a bad tennis player? A. Her coach is a pumpkin! %% Wayne's World C Programming Style Guide: A == B; !; ("A equals B. Not!") -- TMAEHL@vax1.umkc.edu %% "You know your really somebody in the software world when Richard Stallman complains about you having a gratuitous patent." -- jonesm@cerf.net (Matthew Jones) %% A short letter to the editor published in the Saturday, June 20 1992 edition of the Los Angeles Times: I didn't get burned on my last auto repair bill. I got Seared. -- stevo@elroy.jpl.nasa.gov (Steve Groom) %% Phil, on Murphy Brown, philosophizing about having children: "Teenagers--God's punishment for enjoying sex." %% A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now. -- From the Larry King show: %% I saw this on a local BBS (Toronto, Ontario) today: HEADLINE! EXTRA EXTRA!!! ------------------------ ENERGIZER BUNNY ARRESTED!! Police charge him with battery!! %% Diner: Waiter! There's a footprint in my breakfast. Waiter: Well, I don't see what the problem is. You ordered an omelet and told me to step on it! %% BOY: You want to play Pearl Harbor? GIRL: OK. How do you play? BOY: I'll lie down and be Pearl Harbor, and you come along and blow the hell out of me. %% Mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to extinction. Let us pray we choose correctly. -- Woody Allen %% From the currently running off-Broadway play "I-Land": Q: Why do Californians have car accidents? A: So they can meet their neighbors. %% Heard (or rather, seen) on a local BBS signoff message... ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI. %% Q: What do you get when you cross an ethernet with an income statement? A: A local area networth. From: rempel@skdad.usask.ca %% Ever notice that "cat the output to 'time'" makes more sense if you read it backwards? -- fadden@uts.amdahl.com (Andy McFadden) %% The morning djs on KROQ 106.7 in Los Angeles have written a country tune which they call "I Hate Every Bone in Your Body Except Mine." -- jdevlin%pollux.usc.edu@usc.edu (Joseph T. Devlin) %% Source: Overheard at a Rotary Club meeting. Now that Perot has withdrawn from the presidential race, he's being called The Yellow Ross of Texas. %% I heard this on the "Royal Canadian Air Farce": Olympia and York, known as O & Y, or "Oy vey". %% This was seen on a Bumper Sticker Pass the Word. Eat a Bible. %% Inspired by Brown's "Take Back America". I'd like to see this on somebody's bumper: TAKE AMERICA BACK! We want a refund! -- alailima@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (The WILD Samoan) %% `Committee' was the spelling decided upon by the first komiti. -- ag3l+@andrew.cmu.edu (Arun K. Gupta) %% If Unix is so damn useful, why is "no" in /usr/dict/words, but "yes" isn't? -- dvk@sei.cmu.edu (Daniel V. Klein) %% Why does Mike Tyson have tears in his eyes during sex? Mace. -- mcintyre@cs.rpi.edu (David McIntyre) %% It appears some British newspaper ran a contest to come up with a new name for the USSR. One of the better entries was UFFR: Union of Fewer and Fewer Republics. %% Why is Pascal a five cent language? That's how much a Nicholas Wirth (Niklaus Wirth) (nickel is worth). -- PES@cornellc.cit.cornell.edu (Paul Speicher) %% Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley? A: The trolley has a mind of its own. -- richardm@runx.oz.au (Richard Murnane) %% I overheard one of the secretaries in the office saying: God I love it here... Why do I work here!? Because I'm too old for a paper route Too young for social security and too tired to have an affair... %% "VAX. For those who care enough to steal the very best." -- A microscopic message on the silicon chip inside one of Digital Equipment's often stolen computer designs. %% With departure of Ukraine from the Soviet Union, Mikhail Gorbachev announced that the official English name of the former Soviet Union has been changed to Intersection of Soviet Socialist Republics, yet spelled USSR, but with an inverted U. -- kiisaka@csi.uottawa.ca (Ken Iisaka) %% I heard this on WBCN in Boston last week: Definition: pumpkin (v.): What people in Kentucky do. %% Why do you go around telling everyone that you are dying of AIDS when you are really dying of Cancer? Because I don't want anyone screwing my wife when I'm dead. from Rodney Rude, Australian comedian (?) 4/12/91 -- lloyd@bruce.cs.monash.edu.au (lloyd allison) %% Michael Jackson - "Black Or White" Good question. From: weitzman@ely.cambridge.oracorp.com (Adam Weitzman) %% This year's hottest Christmas gift was the Mario Cuomo doll. You wind it up, and it doesn't run. -- RICH@suhep.phy.syr.edu (Richard S. Holmes) %% People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. -- Duncan Bailey %% As we enter the New Year, newspapers across the country are running lists of what is in and what is out for 1992. In my local paper, the "in" column included Pee Wee Herman. It is amazing what a little exposure wil do for some peoples career. %% At a dinner in Japan yesterday, President Bush threw up and passed out. This was caused by a mixup in the kitchens; that plate had been intended for Lee Iacocca. -- dbrooks@osf.org ( David Brooks, Open Software Foundation ) %% Don't keep a negative attitude, such as "I will not succeed, I will not succeed." Instead, keep a positive attitude: "I WILL fail. I WILL fail." -- Charles Kurak %% From the Tulanian, the Tulane alumna magazine: Politicians are like bananas: They're green when you pick 'em, ant then they hang around in bunches and get rotten. %% Apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger's next movie is going to be about the lives of the world's great composers. The movie has Steven Seagal set to play Beethoven, Jean-Claude Van Damme will be Mozart, and when Arnie got wind of the project, he said... "I'll be Bach" -- kmoore@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Kyle E Moore) %% Q: Do you know why the new Michael Jackson album is called "Dangerous"? A: Because the record company execs couldn't spell "Androgynous". -- shaffer@garnet.berkeley.edu (Scott Shaffer) %% During a hard period in Soviet history, the government showed _The_Grapes_Of_ _Wrath_ to the citizens, in an effort to show how much worse the United States was. All the citizens saw was that even the poorest Americans owned cars. -- whos@ddsw1.mcs.com (Ben Feen) %% Define: KleptoPyroHomoNecroNymphoBestiality Answer: Anal sex with a stolen flaming road-kill Told to me by a friend, original by her. -- ssurf@agora.rain.com (Russ Nelson) %% Question: What is the "New World Order"? Answer: Simple. The "New World Order" is where the New World gives all the orders. -- conrad@tharr.UUCP (Conrad Longmore) %% I just came back from Wal-mart. One of the gift items they had were these nice globes of the earth. I noted that they had painted Germany as one country already, but the Baltics, and of course, the Ukraine, were still painted as part of USSR. They really ought to sell those with this packet of stickers -- one for each S.S.R., so that as they break off, you could paste them in. -- chai@hawk.cs.ukans.edu (Your friendly neighbourhood Lab GTA) %% As a followup to the joke: "Practice safe government--use kingdoms" One of my anarchist friends commented: Abstinence is the only way to be 100% sure. -- mikeehli@cie.uoregon.edu (Mike Ehli) %% I hear Long Dong Silver is quite upset about his name being mentioned in such a disreputable place as the United States Senate. -- EIVERSO@cms.cc.wayne.edu (Eric Iverson) %% You've probably heard "brevity is the soul of wit," but have you heard "gravity is the soul of weight?" -- EIVERSO@cms.cc.wayne.edu (Eric Iverson) %% What do you get when you cross a Klingon with a politician? Someone in Washington who might actually get something done! -- PJB4288@ritvax.isc.rit.edu (HELLION WHEELS) %% Q) What's green and takes ten minutes to drink? A) A Grant Cheque -- m90rjw@ecs.oxford.ac.uk %% OK, guys, we're no longer horny. The Politically Correct term is "vaginally challenged". [courtesy of my brother-in-law, Ron Howland] %% Exercise your First and Second Amendment Rights at the same time - Shoot the book burners. -- brighton@phuket.UUCP (Bill Carson) %% Yugoslavian ceasefire [noun]: Unit of time, roughly equal to the time it take to reload a gun. Source: "Ny Tid" (Norwegian Weekly). %% As told to me by my favorite Irish priest: Q: What do you call an Irish pervert? A: An Irishman who prefers sex to whiskey. %% Q: How do you make holy water? A: Take ordinary water and boil the HELL out of it. -- molly@rolf.stat.uga.edu %% Psychotherapy- A long, drawn out process consisting of subtle probings of the human mind, whereby women are blamed for all of Freud's shortcomings. -- fsmarc@tristero.lerc.nasa.gov (Marc Cooper) %% While watching the Senate hearings on TV I realized all that the Senate is trying to do is figure out whether 42 year old Judge Clarence Thomas is over the Hill. -- dbw@crash.cts.com (David B. Whiteman) %% Seen on the side of an electrician's truck: "Let Us Remove Your Shorts". -- das@voodoo.boeing.com (Deb Schwartz) %% Headline in the Oct. 15 edition of the Wall Street Journal: "Restaurants Beef Up Vegetarian Menus" %% OS/2 -- The Nightmare Continues -- gisle@ifi.uio.no (Gisle Hannemyr) %% Why did the Marin County woman cross the road? She was channelling a chicken. -- kaaren@satyr.sylvan.com (Kaaren Bock) %% Two farm boys are just sitting day dreaming when a cow strolls by. "Man," says the first boy, "if only that was a woman." "Man," says the second boy, "if only it was dark out." -- hobson@header.enet.dec.com (Hobson's Choice 30-Oct-1991 1525) %% Every so often I find myself giving out a business address over the phone that includes the postal code M5H 2N6. I'm always tempted to say: "M as in Mormon... N as in nary" -- dave@lsuc.on.ca (David Sherman) %% A guru went to the dentist and said, "I'd like to transcend dental medication." - Dr. Dean Edell %% The recent post brought this to mind, from the backstage men's room at the Seattle Opera House: Q: How tall is a union stagehand A: Don't know. I've never seen one standing up... -- catbyte.b11.ingr.com!medin@watmath (Dave Medin) %% How many home owners does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weekends and four trips to the hardware store. -- neidorff@makore.uicc.com (Bob Neidorff) %% ((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^1/2)) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 +0 Or for those who have trouble with the poem: A Dozen, a Gross and a Score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by seven, plus five times eleven, equals nine squared and not a bit more. %% I've always wondered why people use sham poo when the real thing is easily available..... %% Here's my Haiku from a few years back: haiku's inventor must have had seven fingers on his middle hand -- bdelvecc@wc.novell.com (Brian Del Vecchio) %% This one was Groucho Marx's favourite: "Mommy, mommy! The garbage man is here!" "Well, tell him we don't want any!" -- yorkvm1.bitnet!MMORSE@watmath %% What do they call a woman without an asshole? Divorced. -- gringort@pa.dec.com (Joel Gringorten) %% My mind is like an old-fashioned bear trap: rusty, dangerous, hasn't caught a thing in years. -- dg-rtp.dg.com!eliot@watmath (Topher Eliot) %% I've trained my dog to salivate whenever Pavlov comes over for tea. -- saul.cis.upenn.edu!mjd@watmath (Just Another Pain in the Ass) %% Seen on a sign in Florida, outside the prison: "Buckle up, Ted, it's the Law." -- hobson@header.enet.dec.com (Hobson's Choice 10-Nov-1991 1223) %% Carl Steward, a columnist in the Fremont Argus newspaper, posed this question: If you get penalized for excessive celebration for a TD that is reversed by replay review, does the penalty still count? %% Q: What does Tasha Yar list on her resume? A: Data Entry -- C512052@umcvmb.missouri.edu (David K. Drum) %% Heard on a local radio morning show: Why is reading a Playboy/Playgirl magazine like reading National Geographic? You get to see a lot of great places you'll never get to visit. %% Q: What is a Nintendo if you hook up a keyboard? A: An Amiga. Attitude sold separately. -- bets@matt.ksu.ksu.edu (Beth Schwindt) %% Source: Classified (Person to Person) in Chicago Tribune 12/6/91 WILL the lady who left her 11 kids at Lambeau Field plese pick them up. They're beating the Packers 21-0. %% We are phasing in a "paperless office." We are starting with the restrooms. -- MWOLFE@alhrg.wpafb.af.mil (MICHAEL WOLFE) %% Did you hear that Sinead O'Connor is coming out with a new shampoo? It's a roll-on. %% Practice "safe" document processing. Use Latex. -- sagar@davinci.concordia.ca %% What says: "Pieces of nine, pieces of nine!" A parroty error! -- adh@minster.york.ac.uk %% "After my vasectomy, my testicles disappeared. The doctor couldn't find them, so he replaced them with small onions. Now I only have two problems, first whenever I see a gorgeous woman my eyes water, and second whenever I see a delicious hamburger I get a massive hard-on." %% The other day I saw a headline from a couple of years back: "Bush Wants a 'Revolution' in Schools." So *that's* where the guns are coming from! -- dogwood!francis@gatech.edu (John Stracke) %% I took Brad Templeton out to lunch one day, and afterwards, we stopped by a bakery to bring eleven doughnuts back to the office. The baker offered a free sticky bun to pad our order to an even dozen, and Brad refused the bun. After we left, I asked why. He said that he never selects buns, especially pad buns. -- nelson@cheetah.ece.clarkson.edu (Russ Nelson) %% Moonshine ... on my shoulders ... makes me slip'ry ... Moonshine ... in my eyes ... would make me cry ... Moonshine ... mixed with water ... still tastes lovely ... Moonshine ... almost always ... makes me high ... If I had a brew that I could brew for you ... I'd brew a brew ... sure to make you smile ... If I had a still so I could distill for you ... I'd make sure we had moonshine all the while ... -- ryan@server.cs.jhu.edu %% As told by Jay Leno: Q: What did Ted Kennedy say when Willy Smith was acquitted? A: PAAARTY! PAAARTY! PAAARTY! ... %% [ setup: MTV has a show called Unplugged where popular musicians perform without the benefit of electric instruments. ] Last night we were watching MTV when they ran an ad for an upcoming show called "Paul McCartney Unplugged." My wife looks up at the TV and asks, "wouldn't he die?" -- BRYAN@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu %% Did you know that Arethra Franklin was one of the first network programmers? Listen closely to the lyrics of "Respect": R-E-S-P-E-C-T Tell you what it means to me R-E-S-P-E-C-T Open up a TCP socket to me socket to me socket to me socket to me... -- trudel@cs.rutgers.edu %% One of the more interesting takeovers in the recent past was that of GE taking over the makers of BVD underwears. For diversification purposes, of course. Their new slogan, you ask? "We bring good things to life, in your BVD." -- vk@aloft.att.com %% Something to ponder: If 7-11 stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, then why are there locks on the doors? -- jlinder@bonnie.ics.uci.edu (jlinder) %% source: My father (a doctor) "If you can remember to say 'Alzheimers' every day, then you havn't got it." -- WILSON_M@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz %% Seen on a park fence: FIGHT APAth -- WILSON_M@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz %% Seen on the back of a 911 driven by a blonde: _____________________________________ | | | If you can beat me, you can eat me. | |_____________________________________| -- brad%genesis.uucp@gte.com (Brad Ackerman) %% "The Kathy Rigby doll--pull HER string, and you'll be sorry." --Gary Burbank, AM 700 WLW radio (Cincinnati) %% As the expected time of birth drew near, the mother-to-be asked her obstetrician, "Will my husband be permitted to stay with me during my delivery?" "Certainly," the doctor answered. "The father should always be present at the moment of birth." "That wouldn't be a good idea," the woman remarked. "He and my husband don't get along." -- uunet.uu.net!cellar!watmath!cellar.org!hacksaw@watmath %% Q: What do you call Willy Wonka's bathroom? A: The candy man can. -- hagerman@rx7.ece.cmu.edu (John Hagerman) %% There's a new book in the works about Gorbachev and the failed coup last August. It's titled _The Premier Who Came Back From His Cold_. -- kilroy@gboro.glassboro.edu (Dr Nancy's Sweetie) %% I have a friend who is so stupid that he tried to enter the 1-900-SPELLIT contest, but he kept getting the wrong number. -- jpc@avdms8.msfc.nasa.gov (J. Porter Clark) %% "There are two schools of thought on Nostradamus: either (1) he had supernatural powers which enabled him to prophesy the future with uncanny accuracy, or (2) he did for bullshit what Stonehenge did for rocks." -- Cecil Adams, _The Straight Dope_ %% I went to the ophthalmologist today about an eye condition. To paraphrase his diagnosis, I had enough blood and sweat, but not enough tears. His suggestion was to stay off my eyes for a while. -- ark@eclipse.Stanford.EDU (Arthur Keller) %% At the store yesterday, I came upon a giant glass jar of maraschino cherries that had broken on the floor. As the clerk appeared with a mop, I said, "Looks like the end of a month of sundaes." -- karen@brahms.amd.com (Karen Black) %% The L.A. courts are so backed up with trials against all the looters, they've opened up a 10 items or less counter!! -- Geogre Wallace on BET: %% "Some people see the glass as half full; some people see the glass as half empty; I see the glass as too large!" -- George Carlin on Johnny Carson May 13 %% Isn't humanity egocentric? Whenever we talk, we say, "Here's my two cents worth," but we only offer "a penny for your thoughts." -- ariel@cs.ucla.edu (Ariel The Rogue Rogson) %% Most people know that, traditionally, it is a woman's perogative to change her mind. Unfortunately, few women realize that it is a man's perogative to fall asleep after orgasm. -- elrod@ocf.berkeley.edu (Edward L. Rodriguez) %% I wonder, are the San Francisco Giants moving to Florida to avoid the danger of earthquakes? -- hagerman@rx7.ece.cmu.edu (John Hagerman) %% >'Sex is like software: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds > getting it free.' And for everybody that gets it for free there are thousands talking about how great it would be to get it. -- imp@kolvir.solbourne.COM (Warner Losh) %% This limerick's signed "Anonymous" To keep the author autonomous Cause the rhyming scheme's bad And the scan is just sad And the punch line is really abominous -- Ken_Blackman.INTEGRATION@gateway.qm.apple.com (Ken Blackman) %% "Computer hardware is like an erect penis: It stays up as long as you don't fuck with it." - F. Giuffrida %% > If you had something like 500 GB of disk or or more, how would > you back it up? Post it to comp.arch.storage -- kevink@lupine.UUCP (Kevin Kelleher) %% Q: How do cats decide when to jump suddenly up from where they were sitting comfortably curled up and dash madly around the room, knocking over everything they encounter? A: Fuzzy logic. -- ark@research.att.com %% "Never trust what authorities tell you!" "Why not?" "Because Noam Chomsky said so!" -- d9bertil@dtek.chalmers.se %% Next time your in-laws (or other equally likeable sort) come to visit, remember this: The word visit appears in the Bible describing when the Lord sent the plagues to the Egyptians. You may want to point this fact out to them... -- steveg@orl.mmc.com (Steve Gabrilowitz) %% Did you hear about Pee Wee Herman's new Dry Cleaning service? It is called Drop Your Pants and Jacket Off. -- monty@proponent.com (Monty Solomon) %% Seen on a commercial for Mennen deodorant: "Gives 110% protection!" Does this mean that it sucks moisture out of the atmosphere and stuffs it into your arpits? %% A headline in on a magazine at the supermarket read How to become an optimist in two weeks It was only after a moment that I realized that in response, I had muttered "I don't know. That sounds pretty optimistic to me." -- eliot@dg-rtp.dg.com (Topher Eliot) %% There are three ways of knowing you're getting really old: One is memory loss . . . . and I've forgotten the other two. -- FAC_DRAKE@wsc.colorado.edu %% I heard Bill Clinton was Grand Marshal of a stock car race during the Labor Day weekend. A politician strikes me as an excellent choice to preside over an event where people drive in circles at high speed. -- howard@hal.com (Howard Gayle) %% Notice : Due to budgetary constraints the light at the end of the tunnel is being turned off. -- sl@wimsey.bc.ca (Stuart Lynne) %% A new corollary to Murphy's law (experimentally verified this past weekend at the Olive Garden restaurant in Spokane, Washington): Five milliseconds after beginning to chew a mouthful of food, the waiter will arrive and ask if it tastes OK. He will be unable to interpret hasty nods of the head, thumbs-up gestures, or words from your spouse, and will wait, staring at you like a stunned ox, until you have chewed, swallowed, and allayed his fears yourself: "yes." We tipped him anyway. -- flynn@yoda.eecs.wsu.edu (Patrick J. Flynn) %% Question: How do you tell a woman with PMS from a woman without PMS? Answer: Beats the hell out of me! -- steve%paz.pcc.com@uvm-gen.uvm.edu (Stephen Minnis M.D.) %% The other day I went to the stationery store... but it had moved. -- lw24lag@rs1.tcs.tulane.edu (peter lavallee) %% Perhaps to market themselves to the West, the Soviet Republics (and the rest of Eastern Europe) should adopt a catchy slogan, like: "The USSR: We're trading Marx for Dollars" -- ROY_WELLS@qm.vitalink.com (ROY WELLS) %% This was seen in the SF Chronicle's Sunday Punch week before last: The post office solicited for graphic ideas for the new 30 cent stamp. One artist suggested the following: A hand holding out a tin cup. -- georg@cobra.sybase.com (Georg Carlson) %% If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to demo it, does it make a sound? -- jdevans@athena.mit.edu (John D. Evans) %% Q: How many college students it takes to change a light bulb? A: I don't know. I left my calculator at home. -- TLIU@binah.cc.brandeis.edu %% Have you heard of the upcoming Schizophrenics' Convention in 1992? Don't miss it! Anybody who's everybody will be there! -- psavoie@pro-micol.cts.com (Pierre Savoie) %% A modification of the Delta motto we used after a crash a Dallas Fort Worth Internatial Airport where the Delta flight crashed on approach : "Delta - We almost got you there" -- jfielek@gauss.ssc.gov (Josh Fielek) %% A joke for gamers: How many clerics does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1 Cure Light Wounds -- Tim Hannon %% Car Dealer's Advertisement in The Sunday Star Ledger: Bilingual - we speak many languages. -- din@mruxb.cc.bellcore.com (Dinesh Nettar) %% More for you Politically Correct types: Homeless? No more. Now it's "Residentially Handicapped." -- qxn108%uriacc.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Andy Patrizio) %% MAC = Masquerading As a Computer MAC = Moronic Asinine Crap MAC = My Allowance Consumed MAC = Money Always Counts MAC = Mother's Artificial Charms MAC = Mickey's Alternative Computer MAC = Mindlessness Applauded & Celebrated MAC = Much Advertised Crap MAC = Masochist's Automatic Calculator MAC = Merely A Chimera MAC = Makes All Cynical MACINTOSH = Machine Always Crashes If Not The Operating System Hangs -- qxn108%uriacc.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Andy Patrizio) %% IBM - I Blame Microsoft. IBM - I Buy Macintosh IBM - I'll Buy Macintosh IBM - I've Been Mislead IBM - I've Been Moved IBM - I've Been Mugged IBM - Incontinent Bowel Movement -- qxn108%uriacc.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Andy Patrizio) %% IBM - Identical Blue Men IBM - Idiotic Bit Masher IBM - Idiots Become Managers IBM - Idiots Built Me IBM - Ignorant Buttfucking Morons IBM - Incompatible Business Machines IBM - Incredibly Boring Machine -- qxn108%uriacc.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Andy Patrizio) %% IBM - Inferior, But Marketable IBM - Infernal Bloody Monopoly IBM - Institute of Black Magic IBM - Intercourse Beats Masturbation IBM - Internal Beaurocratic Mess IBM - International Brotherhood of Magicians IBM - Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches -- qxn108%uriacc.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Andy Patrizio) %% IBM - It'll Be Messy IBM - It's Backwards, Man IBM - It's Being Mended. IBM - It's Better Manually IBM - Itty Bitty Machines IBM - Itty Bitty Morons IBM compatible - IBM contemptible IBM - Immense Bowel Movement IBM - It Barely Moves IBM - I Buy Mainframes -- qxn108%uriacc.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Andy Patrizio) %% A mosquito was heard to complain That a chemist had poisoned his brain The cause of his sorrow Was para-dichloro- diphenyltrichloroethane From the Seattle Food Garden Newsletter, put out by the Washington State University's Extension Service and King County -- bradley@csrd.uiuc.edu (David K. Bradley) %% Heard on a local radio station: How do you tell the blind man in a nudist camp? It's not hard -- bigfoot@rata.vuw.ac.nz (Sasquatch) %% My grandfather (Bill Marshall) had two brothers, and his father also had two two brothers. The following maxim sprang up somewhere along the way: One boy is worth half a man Two boys are worth half a boy Three boys are no help at all. -- jti@ai.mit.edu (Jeff Inman) %% The full parsing of the verb "To Conform" is: I conform to You are compatible with He/she/it locks himself into -- T.Wade@vms.eurokom.ie (VMS Systems) %% "Uneasy lies the head that has dandruff." -- vijay@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Vijay R) %% Why does the sun never set on the English Empire? Because even God does not trust the English in the dark. Told to me by an Irishman (naturally) -- ghost@ra.nrl.navy.mil (Glenn Host) %% Q: How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. They use a hammer. -- rbe@yrloc.ipsa.reuter.com (Robert Bernecky) %% Q. How do you attract a vegetarian? A. Make a noise like a wounded vegetable. -- mkwan@crypto.cs.adfa.oz.au (Matthew Kwan) %% A lot of people have said that this country is coming apart at the seams... ... for God's sake, this is America! -- George Bush %% I understand that CalTrans (California Department of Transportation) is going to be laying off large numbers from their road crews. It seems someone has invented a shovel that will stand up by itself. %% "I don't mind occasionally having to reinvent a wheel; I don't even mind using someone's reinvented wheel occassionally. But it helps a lot if it is symmetric, contains no fewer than ten sides, and has the axle centered. I do tire of trapezoidal wheels with offset axles" - Joseph M. Newcomer %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 1. If the enemy is in range, so are you. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 2. Incoming fire has the right of way. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 4. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 5. The problem with the easy way out is that it has already been mined. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. when you're ready for them. b. when you're not ready for them. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 10. If you can't remember, then the claymore IS pointed at you. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 13. If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 16. If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 19. When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 21. Friendly fire isn't. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 22. If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 23. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 24. The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a map and a compass. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 25. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 26. A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 27. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 28. If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 29. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 30. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the colonel's HQ. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 31. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 32. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 33. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 34. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 35. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 36. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 37. Interchangeable parts aren't. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 38. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 39. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove ANYTHING. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 40. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp) %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 41. The one item you need is always in short supply. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 42. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 43. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 44. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 45. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most im- portant ones are always illegible. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 46. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 47. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 48. To steal information from a person is called plagarism. To steal informa- tion from the enemy is called gathering intelligence. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 49. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 50. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 51. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the emeny takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 52. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Congressional Medal Of Honor. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 53. A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and luck enough to survive. %% Murphy's Law of Combat # 54. Murphy was a grunt. %% Access Time - The time between the instant at which information is called for, and the instant at which management expects the final report. %% Assembler - One who drops his card deck. %% Bit - The increment by which programmers slowly go mad. %% Breakpoint - The point at which programmer increments past last bit available. %% Chaining - A method of attaching programmers to desk, to speed up output. %% Checkpoint - The location from which a programmer draws his salary. %% Core storage - A receptacle for the center section of apples. %% Counter - An area over which martini's are served. %% Crash - What a detached programmer would dearly love to do, for at least eight hours. %% Default - De line west of which de state of california will float off to sea at de next major quake. %% Device - Medieval torture instrument such as thumbscrew, iron maiden. %% Documentation - A manual which tells you how to use a program, system, or utility one version ago, and which is now unsupported. %% Error - What someone else has made when they disagree with your computer output. %% External Storage - Wastebasket. %% Fixed Word Length - Four letter word used by programmers in a state of confusion. %% Hardware - Nuts, bolts, and circuit boards "left over" after repairman has reassembled cpu. %% I/O Device - Note you sign for the bank in/order to get loan for new (old) car. %% Library - An organized collection of obsolete material. %% Low Order Position - The programmer's location in the chain of command. %% Mainframe - Primary person who just got set up for the blame of the system crash. %% Microsecond - Amount of time needed for a program to bomb. %% Nanosecond - Measure of time on mork's planet ork. %% Off-Line - Uncharitable remarks programmer makes to wife or husband upon being phoned at 9pm to come in because system just crashed. %% On-Line - Programmer trying to deal rationally on phone with management at 9pm. %% Peripheral - Now you see it, now you don't... %% Printout - A document to verify data you know is wrong anyway. %% Programmer - Red eyed mumbling mammal, capable of communicating with inanimate objects. %% Source file - One which was "appropriated" from one of the competitors. %% Switch - When management changes its mind. %% ... it is predictable, but I wouldn't like to predict it myself. - C. Lawson %% 100,000 lemmings can't be wrong. (Or so said Pegasus Software...) %% 1948 - A novel for dyslexics by George Orwell. %% A bank manager is someone who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and who asks for it back when it start to rain. %% A friend in need is a pain in the ass. %% A man is as old as he feels. But never as important. %% A man is as old as the woman he feels. %% A phone call costs less than you think. Soon it'll cost more than you believe. %% A sense of humour is the difference between ambition and achievement. %% A seven day honeymoon makes one weak. %% Alas poor kiroY, I knew him backwards. %% All that glitters is not gold. - All that doesn't glitter isn't either. %% Always be sincere - Even when you don't mean it. %% Always put the important before the merely urgent. %% Always tell her she's pretty, especially when she isn't. %% Always yield to temptation - it may never pass your way again. %% Amnesia rules - O %% An Australian lover is like a wombat :- he eats roots, shoots, and leaves. %% An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field. %% Anarchists of the world unite ! %% Anarchy, No rules - OK? %% Anyone who can see through a woman is missing a lot. %% Anyone who goes to see a psychiatrist, ought to have his head examined. %% Are you a schizo? - If so, that makes four of us. %% Arsonists of the world, ignite! %% Asking the boss for a rise may not be patriotic, but it will help the government with the extra tax if it comes off. %% Assassination is an extreme form of censorship. %% Australian foreplay - "Brace yerself Sheila." %% Avoid life - It'll kill you in the end. %% Be alert - your country needs lerts. %% Be apathetic today. - I think I'll leave it till tomorrow. %% Be creative, invent a perversion. %% Blow your mind - smoke gunpowder. %% Charity covers a multitude of sins, but curiosity soon uncovers them again. %% Conscience is the little thing that tells you someone is sure to find out. %% Death is hereditary. %% Definition of a prostitute - receiver of swollen goods. %% Do to the other fellow as he would do unto you. But for God's sake do it first! %% Don't Panic. Count to ten ... then Panic! %% Don't Panic. The Earth is just being demolished for a hyperspace bypass. %% Don't drink water, fish breed in it. %% Dyslexia rules KO. %% Dyslexics of the world untie ! %% Einstein rules relatively OK - in theory anyway. %% Every man reaps what he sows, except the amateur gardener. %% Experience, the name given by men to their mistakes. %% Get stoned - Drink liquid cement. %% God is not dead - he just couldn't find a parking place. %% Happiness can't buy money. %% Have you read the Penguin Book of Quotations. (I never realised penguins had that much to say.) %% Help preserve wildlife. Pickle a Squirrel today! %% Heredity is the thing a child gets from the other side of the family. %% How do the Japanese do it? Because we let them. %% I have a drink problem, I can't afford it. %% I looked up my wife's family tree. Most of her relatives are still climbing around in it. %% I used to be a schizophrenic, but now I'm lonely. %% I'm immortal - so far. %% If God had not meant us to write on walls, he would never have given us an example. %% If a woman wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way. %% Ironic isn't it, that God gave the tortoise a drag factor of 0.03. %% Is there an imaginary cure for hypochondria? %% It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics. %% Jesus Saves - and Dalglish gets the rebound! %% Jesus Saves - not on my salary he doesn't. %% Jesus Saves - with the Woolwich. %% Join the army, travel the world, meet interesting people and shoot them. %% Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they aren't out to get you. %% Just when I was getting used to yesterday along came today. %% Keep Britain tidy, shoot a tourist. %% Laugh, and the world thinks you are an idiot. %% Life is a sexually transmitted disease. %% Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. %% Lord give me patience......But Hurry! %% Love Thy Neighbour - But don't get caught. %% Love is blind. And when you get married you get your eyesight back. %% Make love, not war; get married and do both! %% Marijuana is nature's way of saying "high". %% Money can't buy friends but it can buy a better class of enemy. - Spike Milligan. %% Money isn't everything. - It isn't even enough! %% My wife wears rubber gear and whips me. Ohhhhh Kay! %% Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them, and Psychiatrists charge them rent. %% Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. %% No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. %% People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Neither should they nail up pictures. %% Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination %% Real Ale - reaches the parts Heineken daren't mention. %% Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol. %% Reality is for people who cannot cope with science fiction. %% Reincarnation is making a comeback! %% Sado-masochism means not having to say you're sorry. %% Save trees, eat more beavers. %% Smile - things may get worse more slowly. %% Smoking - think of it as evolution in action. %% Study art and logic - learn to draw your own conclusions. %% Sudden prayers make God jump. %% Support British steel - smelt the Iron Lady. %% The Annual Conference of Clairvoyants has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. %% The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable. %% The first three minutes of your life can be dangerous ... The last three can be pretty dodgy too! %% The meek shall inherit the earth - in 6' x 2' plots. %% The road to success is usually under construction. %% The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected. %% Welsh men only marry Welsh women because sheep can't cook. %% When God shook the tree of life, all the nuts landed in California. %% When faced with two evils I like to do the one I've never tried before. - Mae West %% 1) You can't win. 2) You can't break even. 3) You can't even quit the game. %% A faithful car will continue to be faithful until the day you fit it with four brand new tyres, then it will fall apart. %% An authority is somebody who can tell you more about something than you really care to know. %% Any given program will expand to fill all available resources. %% Any given program, once running, is obsolete. %% Army Axiom: An order that can be misunderstood will be misunderstood. %% Army Law: If it moves, salute it; If it doesn't move, pick it up; If you can't pick it up, paint it. %% Don't force it, get a large hammer. %% Experiments should be reproducable, - they should all fail in the same way. %% Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is messed up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. %% First Law of Advice: The correct advice is to give the advice that is desired. %% Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. %% I have yet to see any problem, which, when you looked at it the right way, did not become still more complicated. %% If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. %% If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. %% If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. %% If at first you don't succeed, give up. %% If at first you don't succeed, blame the teacher. %% If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. %% If little else, the brain is an educational toy. - Tom Robbins %% If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it. %% If you explain so clearly that no one can misunderstand, somebody will. %% If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant. - Snoopy. %% If you want your name spelt wrong, die. %% In any household, junk accumulates to fill the storage space available. %% In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. %% It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick something from the floor when you get up. %% It is better for civilisation to be going down the drain than to be coming up it. %% It works better when you turn the brightness up. %% Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do it. %% Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. %% Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. %% Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks. %% Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think. %% Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. %% Murphy's Third Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time. %% Negative slack tends to increase. %% Never go to a doctor who's office plants have died. %% Next to surviving an earthquake, nothing is quite so satisfying as as receiving a income tax refund %% Old age is always 15 years older than I am. %% On a beautiful day like this, it is hard to believe that anyone can be unhappy - but we're working on it. %% Parkinson's First Law: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. %% Parkinson's Second Law: Expenditures rise to meet income. %% Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you. %% Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. %% Pros are people who do jobs well even when they don't feel like it %% Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the restraining speed. %% The Law of Selective Gravity (The Buttered Side Down Law): An object will fall so as to do the most damage. %% The chief cause of problems is solutions. %% The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where highest overtime rates lie waiting. %% The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its desirability. %% The usefulness of a meeting is inversely proportional to its attendance. %% Under the most rigorously controlled conditions, the experimental apparatus will do exactly as it pleases. %% When all else fails, read the manual. %% When things are going well, somebody will experiment detrimentally. %% When you try to make an impression, the chances are that that is the impression you will make. %% Why can't lifes's big problems come when we are twenty and know everything ? %% You always find something in the last place you look. %% You can get ANYWHERE in ten minutes if you drive fast enough. %% You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. %% Another ingredient for a happy marriage: Budget the luxuries first ! %% Another ingredient for a happy marriage: In a family argument, if it turns out you are right - apologise at once! %% Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honour, make him pay cash. %% Waking a person unnecessary should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offence, that is. %% A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank." %% Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful - just stupid.) %% Animals can be driven crazy by placing too many in too small a pen. Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. %% We, my Lords, may thank Heaven that we have something better than out brains to depend on. (Lord Chesterfield to the House of Lords) %% In the beginning was the word - and the word was four bytes. (from the bible?) %% Wars are not fought to decide who is right - only who is left. %% To err is human - To really foul things up requires computers. %% When I am right nobody remembers... When I am wrong nobody forgets! %% If you can't tie good knots... tie many. %% A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. %% What you can not avoid, Welcome. %% Yesterday's a memory Tomorrow's a vision Today's a bitch %% It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. - Samual Clemmens %% Money wouldn't be so important if everybody didn't want some. %% TO DO IS TO BE - Socrates TO BE IS TO DO - Sartre DO BE DO BE DO - Sinatra %% Walk softly but carry a big stick. %% A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well than a Fool can see from the top of a mountain. %% When a finger points at the moon, the imbecile looks at the finger. %% Live fast, Die young, Leave a good looking corpse. %% Roses are red, Violets are blue, I can't remember the next line, but niether can you! %% Look up gullible in the dictionary. There is a photo of you there. %% Don't learn from other peoples mistakes, it's more fun to go out and make them yourself! %% Ieyasu's maxims Man's life is like going on a long journey under a heavy burden: one must not hurry. %% Ieyasu's maxims If you regard discomfort as a normal condition you are not likely to be troubled by want. %% Ieyasu's maxims Consider anger as an enemy %% Everything thought out to the nth degree. Steeped in arcane ritual. + BSD Unix, and the Vulcans %% Does things the traditional, uncivilized way. + System V Unix, and the Klingon Empire %% A combination of the above. An unstable mixture at best. + Sys V Rel 4, and the Federation %% As powerful but strange. Very restrictive. Requires a different mindset and a lot of formalism. + VMS, and the Romulans %% Small, wily, mostly for profit. Lots of small independent operators who occasionally gang up. + DOS, and the Ferengi %% Your mind has already been assimilated. + Usenet, and the Borg %% Judges you by the standards of three centuries ago. Occasionally makes it hard to get work done. + George Bush, and Q %% "Eve was framed." -Author unknown %% Confession is not necessarily communication. - Rita Mae Brown %% Bobby said he'd pull out Bobby stayed in Janey had the baby, wasn't any sin They were set to marry on a summer day Bobby got scared and he ran away ... Mist was on the water low run the tide Janey held her son down at the riverside Waist deep in the water how bright the sun shown She nestled him in her arms and carried him home As he lay sleeping in her bed Janey took a look around at everything Went to a drawer in the bureau and got out her old engagement ring Took out her wedding dress tied that ring up in its sash Went down to the pawnshop man and walked out with some good cold cash -"Spare Parts", from Tunnel of Love %% Well girl that feeling of safety you prize Well it comes with a hard, hard price You can't shut off the risk and the pain Without losing the love that remains We're all riding on this train -"Human Touch" (title cut) %% So you've been broke, and then you've been hurt Show me somebody who ain't. -"Human Touch" (title cut) %% "If at first you don't succeed - reload." %% "If at first you don't succeed - fix bayonets" %% If a person never succeeds, how do you know they're trying? %% Clarke's laws of scientific prediction. 1 ) To find the limits of the possible one must go a little way beyond into the impossible. 2 ) When an elderly and distinguished scientist says that something is possible he is almost certainly correct; when he says something is impossible he is almost certainly wrong. 3 ) Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. %% "May the road rise up to meet you, May the wind be always at your back. The sun shine warm upon your face, The rain fall soft upon you fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand." %% "You and me we're going nowhere slowly And we gotta get away from the past There's nothing wrong with going nowhere baby But we should be going nowhere fast Everybody's going nowhere slowly They're only fighting for the chance to be last There's nothing wrong with going nowhere baby But we should be going nowhere fast It's so much better going nowhere fast..." --- "Nowhere Fast," Meat Loaf, _Bad Attitude_ %% "I woke up this morning... then I went back to bed..." - Weird Al _Generic Blues_ %% "I woke up this morning..." ( <- that's the entire song) _A Short Blues_, someone connected to Monty Python, perhaps Neil Innes? %% "There can be no new quotes, as all worth saying has already been said." %% "The bombing begins in five minutes" -R Reagan %% "Nobody goes to bed hungry in America" -R Reagan %% If at first you don't succeed, kill all the witnesses. %% If at first you don't succeed, you may have reached your level of incompetence already. %% Why did the politician cross the road? To get to the middle. %% `Timesharing just doesn't work.' [1982] -- Ken Thompson %% `Just think -- IBM and DEC in the same room -- and we did it. Makes you feel warm inside.' -- Ken Thompson %% `... spell `creat' with an E.' [When asked what he would do differently if starting UNIX over again. Note that in Plan 9, `creat' _is_ spelled with an E.] -- Ken Thompson %% "In Palm Springs, they think that homelessness is caused by bad divorce lawyers." ( paraphrased. ) - Doonesbury, Gary Trudeau %% "There are no failures of talent, only failures of character." %% Well, I started to make a clock from one of those "build a working paper clock" books, but I got carried away. It's now a complete working paper Analytical Engine, and I run an 80386 simulator on that. I'm booting 386BSD now, and in a couple of years when it comes up I'll have Xclock running. I don't think it's going to keep very good time, though... I keep getting silo overflows reading WWV at 110 baud. I guess I'll need to build a paper 16550 to fix that. Which Xclock should I use? -- Peter da Silva %% I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything! (from those of us who know!) %% "Die, my dear doctor? That's the last thing I shall do." -- Lord Palmerston (attrib.), 1865 %% "If this is dying, I don't think much of it." -- Lytton Strachey (attrib.), 1932 %% "Either they go, or I do." -- Oscar Wilde, of his new bedroom curtains (attrib.), 1900 %% "I wish I'd drunk more champagne." -- last words of Lord John Maynard Keynes %% ...understanding Product Strategy... "The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your hands and hoping when a rock would do." %% ...understanding Development... "The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer." %% ...understanding Documentation... "Why do we expect documentation to accurately describe the product when the documentation is finished first?" %% ...understanding Product Support... "If *I* can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I thought." "Somebody has to save our skins." - Leia Organa %% ...understanding Customers: "Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do." Borsheim's Law: "The customer is always lying." %% ...understanding Hardware... "Hardware : The parts of a computer system that can be kicked." %% ...understanding Software... "Software is written by humans and therefore has bugs." -John Jacobs %% ...understanding Firmware... "Software that's harder to patch." -John Jacobs %% ...understanding Operating Systems... "Where the operating system is concerned, you don't get to ask "Why?"." %% ...understanding DOS: "A feature is a bug with seniority." %% ...understanding Windows: "An elephant is a mouse with an operating system." %% ...understanding User-Friendly... "Nice computers don't go down." %% ...understanding GUIs... "If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly." %% ...understanding Memory Management: "Any given program will expand to fill available memory." %% ..understanding Mainframes & Minis... "Never trust a computer you can't lift." %% ...understanding Intel Architecture... "There are two types - those who hate the 8086 architecture, and liars." %% ...understanding Computers' Affect On The Workplace... "Computers are a fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them." %% ...understanding Programming Languages: "I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife." %% ...understanding Error Detection... "As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error." %% ...understanding Quality... "Meets quality standards: It compiles." %% ...understanding Work Satisfaction... "No reward is worth this." -Han Solo %% ...understanding Organization... "I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere." %% ...understanding Email... "You are in a maze of twisty e-mail messages that all look alike." %% ...understanding Bureaucracy... "I am a computer -- dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator." %% ...understanding Reality... "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." %% ...understanding Cynicism... "There's a fine line between an attitude problem and thinking clearly." %% ...understanding Positivism... "Could be worse." - Leia Organa %% ...and the Total Key To Understanding Life At Microsoft "Do not adjust you mind, it is reality that is malfunctioning." %% "If they can send a man to the moon...why not all of them?" %% Christmas is when kids tell Santa Claus what they want, and their parents end up paying for it. A deficit is when adults tell the government what they want, and their kids end up paying for it. --Heard on the radio, attributed to former Colorado governor Richard Lamm. %% "The weakness of capitalism is that not all share the wealth equally, while the strength of socialism is that all share equally its misery." - Winston Churchill %% "You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think." -- Dorothy Parker %% Reply to her editor who was bugging her for her belated work while she was on her honeymoon: "Too fucking busy, and vice versa." -- Dorothy Parker %% "What do you do if you step on a mine, Captain?" "Well, the usual procedure is to leap 200 feet in the air and spread yourself over a wide area..." - Captain Blackadder, _Blackadder Goes Forth_ %% all syllogisms have three parts. Therefore this is not a syllogism. %% "Mr. Churchill, you are fat." "I may be fat but you are ugly, and I can diet" %% "Mr Churchill, you are drunk!" "Yea, and you're ugly." "Yes, but I can have selective cosmetic and plastic surgery and I will be beautiful, whereas you will still have the disease of alcholism." %% "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup." %% If Michelangelo were a heterosexual the Sistine Chapel would have been painted basic white and with a roller. -- Rita Mae Brown %% Col Potter: Git along, little dogie Hawkeye: I used to have a long little doggie. He was a dachsund. BJ: Oh, a little hot dog. What happened to him? H: He got mustered out. BJ: I relish these conversations. -- *M*A*S*H* %% "I'm going to give up smoking, even if it kills me" %% "I've given up smoking successfully three times." %% "Is that the same mouth you kiss his mother with ? " %% "Worry is a misuse of the imagination. It never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it merely saps today of its strength." - said by Dr. William Rumsey %% even a fool knows that you can't touch the stars, but it doesn't stop a wise man from trying. --- Judge Harry T.Stone %% Living well is the best revenge. -- George Herbert %% Don't get mad, get even. -- Joseph P. Kennedy (the Patriarch) %% "I'm a solipsist and, I have to say, I'm surprised there aren't more of us." - from a letter to Bertrand Russell %% "Plato had slaves . . . George Washington had slaves . . . So, do I feel intrinsically better than these two men? Of course I do! They're dead!" -Todd Andrew Reid %% To get a bachelor's degree in economics one must propose an economic theory. To get a master's degree in economics one must prove it wrong. To get a PhD in economics one must prove some one else's theory wrong. Alec Lloyd %% Lady to Churchill: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" Churchill to Lady: "I may be drunk, madam, but you're ugly. In the morning I shall be sober." %% "All rivers flow into the sea, for it is lower than they; Humility is what gives it its strength". %% Time is money, steal some today! %% Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips? %% Punctuate this sentence so that it reads both grammatically and meaningfully: i will find a turtle shell insist in the stream %% Mrs Tarentino: Are you police officers? Elwood: No ma'am, we're musicians. - The Blues Brothers %% Elwood:What kind of music do you play here? Bar lady: Oh, we've got both kinds-Country AND Western. - The Blues Brothers %% "The use of unnecesary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers has been approved." - The Blues Brothers %% They made us many promises, more than I can remember, but they never kept but one; they promised to take our land, and they took it. - Red Cloud %% "Was that that 'that that' that that teacher complained about?" -- Rob Robinson %% < How many AI game-playing people does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to design a 2-player game tree with the robot as one player and the lightbulb as the other. One to write a minimax search algorithm that assumes optimal play on the part of the lightbulb. One to build special purpose hardware to enable 24-ply search. One to enter the robot in a human lightbulb changing tournament. One to state categorically that lightbulb changing is no longer considered AI. %% Life is like quotations. Sometimes, it makes you laugh. Sometimes, it makes you cry. Most of the time, you don't get it. %% "It is better to be quotable than to be honest." -- Tom Stoppard %% "I improve on misquotation." -- Cary Grant %% This is no time to make new enemies. -- Voltaire, when asked on his deathbed to forswear Satan. %% "Goodnight" -Lord Byron %% "But at least Jefferson still-" -James Monroe (or is it Madison?) %% "The world is full of fools, and he who would not see it should live alone and smash his mirror." -- Claude le Petite %% "They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist ...." -- Some general in India, during a war, looking over the parapet %% "Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy." -- Franz Kafka %% "Uh.. Apone. Collect all the magazines, we can't have any shooting in there. No grenades either." (they're in the middle of the Alien hive :) -- Aliens %% "Have IQ's dropped sharply while I was away?" -- Ripley (in Aliens) %% "What is best in life? To crush my enemies. To see them driven before me. And to hear the lamentation of their women!" Conan the Barbarian %% "Kraash yaw animees. See dem driffen buhfore me, und hear da lamentashuns uff dere wimmen." -- Conan the Barbarian (in Arnie-speak) %% "The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and to see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and to clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters." -Ghengis Khan %% There are two things John and I always do when we're going to sit down and write a song. First of all we sit down. Then we think about writing a song. --- Paul McCartney. %% A thief will demand your money or your life, but only a woman will demand both. %% Confucius say: Farmer who cannot keep his hands off his wife ------> better fire them %% The hardest to plow are someone else's field and one's own wife. -Milorad Pavic %% When a man is single, he's incomplete; but when a man gets married, he's finished. %% A few days ago, I overheard one very old women say to the other "I haven't seen you for so long, I thought you were dead!" %% "If God told me to quit smoking, I'd say 'Mind your own business.'" -- Mike Vera %% "Now kids, DON'T SMOKE... unless, of course, you want to look REALLY cool." -- Penn + Teller: %% "There is the greatest practical benefit in making a few failures early in life." -- Thomas Huxley %% "We'll burn that bridge when we come to it." %% "We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it." -- from themovie 'City Slickers': %% With a scream of tortured stone, the entire level caves in!!! You are flattened into an unpleasant jellylike substance. - From 'omega' %% You realize your fly is open. - From 'omega' %% You have a sudden craving for a pecan twirl. - From 'omega' %% You enter a field of brightly color flowers... Wow, man! These are some pretty poppies!... poppies... poppies... You become somewhat disoriented... - From 'omega' %% A weird howling tornado hits from out of the West! You've been caught in a chaos storm! The chaos storm warps your frame! Your statistical entropy has been maximized. - From 'omega' %% A weird howling tornado hits from out of the West! You've been caught in a chaos storm! You feel filled with energy! You also feel weaker. Paradoxical, no? - From 'omega' %% The stone glows black A burden has been removed from your shoulders..... Your pack has disintegrated! - From 'omega' %% The stone glows yellow Oh no! The DREADED AQUAE MORTIS! No, wait, it's just your imagination. - From 'omega' %% Have you ever picked a lock? [yn] Really. Well, the police are being notified. - From 'omega' %% Do animals react curiously to your presence? [yn] How curious that must be. - From 'omega' %% Ever have an out-of-body experience? [yn] Wow, man. Fly the friendly skies.... - From 'omega' %% Did you ever cast a spell? [yn] Did it work? [yn] Sure it did. - From 'omega' %% Do you have PK? [yn] I can't tell you how much that moves me. - From 'omega' %% Beauty Sleep. Well, in your case, Ugly Sleep. - From 'omega' %% You think I like watching you sleep? - From 'omega' %% This stairway is deviant. You can't use it. - From 'omega' %% Back Door WIZARD Mode! You will invalidate your score if you proceed. Enable WIZARD Mode? [yn] You feel like a cheater. - From 'omega' %% The portcullis flies backwards into a thousand fragments. Wow. What a stud. - From 'omega' %% You have a vision! An awesome angel hovers over the altar. The angel says: 'You twit, don't bash your own altar!' The angel slaps you upside the head for your presumption. - From 'omega' %% The feeble powers of the minor godling are not enough to protect his altar! The altar crumbles away to dust. You feel almost unbearably smug. - From 'omega' %% You restrain yourself from total silliness. - From 'omega' %% There is a shrieking sound, as of reality being distorted. brothers, the Wizard of omega appears before you.... 'Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards -- it makes them soggy and hard to light.' - From 'omega' %% You have been completely annihilated. Congratulations. - From 'omega' %% So you're now the high priest of the Lords of Destiny. You didn't think you were going to get anything, did you? - From 'omega' %% You are made a Guardian of the Order of Paladins! You are given a Holy Hand Grenade (of Antioch). You hear a nasal monotone in the distance.... '...and the number of thy counting shall be 3...' - From 'omega' %% I don't believe this. You hate Denebian Slime? You deserve a horrible wasting death, uncurable by any means! - From 'omega' %% One Two! One Two! And through and through! Your vorpal blade goes snicker-snack! - From 'omega' %% How weird, a blessed desecrator... The structure of reality cannot permit such a thing.... - From 'omega' %% The sceptre seems to subside. You hear a high whine, as of capacitors beginning to recharge. - From 'omega' %% The Star Gem glints weakly as if to say: 'You have used me overmuch.' and it vanishes a puff of regret. - From 'omega' %% Death performs a little bow and goes back on guard. - From 'omega' %% 'Oh, come now, stop delaying the inevitable.' says Death. - From 'omega' %% 'I almost felt that.' says Death, smiling. - From 'omega' %% You are immersed in raw Chaos.... A mysterious force protects you from the Chaos! Wow.... You feel a bit smug. - From 'omega' %% You are immersed in raw Chaos.... Uh oh.... Nothing mysterious happens this time.... Congratulations! You've achieved maximal entropy! - From 'omega' %% As you fall you see before you what seems like an infinite congerie of iridescent bubbles. You have met Yog Sothoth!!! - From 'omega' %% This pool seems to be enchanted.... Your horse is polymorphed into a fig newton. - From 'omega' %% Oh no! You encounter the DREADED AQUAE MORTIS... The DREADED AQUAE MORTIS throttles you within inches.... but for some reason chooses to let you escape. - From 'omega' %% Geronimo! You leap into the void. Death peers over the edge and gazes quizzically at you.... 'Bye-bye,' he says... 'We'll meet again.' - From 'omega' %% There is a noise like a wild horses' neigh. You spin around, and don't see anyone around at all except for a spurred black cloaked figure carrying a scythe. Death coughs apologetically. He seems a little embarrassed. - From 'omega' %% Following some strange impulse, you raise the Sceptre.... You hear a magical fanfare, repeated three times. A mysterious voice mutters peevishly.... So what do you want now? A medal? - From 'omega' %% You have found an extremely long stairway going straight up. The stairs are grilled steel and the bannister is rubber. Take the stairway? [yn] The stairs suddenly start moving with a grind of gears! You are wafted to the surface.... - From 'omega' %% The inner circle demon says: 'Prepare to die, Buckwheat!' - From 'omega' %% The inner circle demon spits on your rug and calls your cat a bastard. - From 'omega' %% The inner circle demon sends 'rm -r *' to your shell! - From 'omega' %% The inner circle demon tweaks your nose and cackles evilly. - From 'omega' %% The household robot says: 'exterminate...Exterminate...EXTERMINATE!!!' - From 'omega' %% The household robot says: 'Yo Mama -- core dumped.' - From 'omega' %% The good fairy glints: Would you like a wish? The good fairy glows: Are you sure? The good fairy radiates: Really really sure? The good fairy beams: I mean, like, sure as sure can be? The good fairy dazzles: You don't want a wish, right? The good fairy laughs: I thought not. - From 'omega' %% The evil fairy roils: Eat my pixie dust! She waves her black-glowing wand, which screams thinly.... - From 'omega' %% The succubus beckons seductively... Flee? [yn] The succubus shows you a good time.... - From 'omega' %% The [animal] shows you a scholarly paper by Dolittle, D. Vet. which demonstrates that animals don't have speech centers complex enough to communicate in higher languages. It giggles softly to itself and takes back the paper. - From 'omega' %% The merchant asks you if you want to buy a horse for 250GP. Pay the merchant? [yn] The merchant takes your money and tells you to select any horse you want in the stables. He says: 'You'll want to get to know him before trying to ride him. By the way, food for the horse is not included.' The merchant runs off toward the bank, cackling gleefully. - From 'omega' %% The merchant ignores you and screams: 'Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!' - From 'omega' %% ^@^@^@^@^@00AD1203BC0F0000FFFFFFFFFFFF interrupt in _get_space. Illegal Character. Aborting _police_alert..... Attempting reboot..... Warning: Illegal shmop at _count_cash. Warning: Command Buffer NOT CLEARED Reboot Complete. Execution Continuing. Withdrawing: 4294967297 Au. Warning: Arithmetic Overflow in _withdraw Yo mama. Core dumped. - From 'omega' %% You find a strange document, obviously misfiled under the heading 'acrylic fungus painting technique' - From 'omega' %% Rampart Public Library. Library Research Fee: 1000Au. Pay the fee? [yn] No payee, No Studee. - From 'omega' %% The Magistrate renders summary judgement. You are sentenced to prison! The guards recognize you as a 'three-time-loser' ...and beat you up a little to teach you a lesson. - From 'omega' %% You charge the ritual with magical energy and focus your will. Time Passes... Flowing waves of mystical light congeal all around you. 'Like wow, man! Colors!' Appreciative citizens throw you spare change. - From 'omega' %% "Nullumst iam dictum quod non dictum sit prius." "Nothing is now said which hasn't been said already." --Terence %% I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky, And all I ask is a tall ship and a, star to steer her by, And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking, And a gray mist on the sea's face and a gray dawn breaking. - John Masefield, Sea Fever, first stanza. %% "We'll build that bridge when we come to it..." Christopher Wren %% The fathers of the field had been pretty confusing: John von Neumann speculated about computers and the human brain in analogies sufficiently wild to be worthy of a medieval thinker, and Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim. -- Edsger Dijkstra %% The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move. -- Douglas Adams -- The Restaurant at the End of the Universe %% A book of quotations . . . can never be complete. -- Robert M. Hamilton %% Perhaps the reader may ask, of what consequence is it whether the author's exact language is preserved or not, provided we have his thought? The answer is, that inaccurate quotation is a sin against truth. It may appear in any particular instance to be a trifle, but perfection consists in small things, and perfection is no trifle. -- Robert W. Shaunon %% In reality, though, the first thing to ask of history is that it should point out to us the paths of liberty. The great lesson to draw from revolutions is not that they devour humanity but rather that tyranny never fails to generate them. -- Pierre Trudeau %% Government, today, is growing too strong to be safe. There are no longer any citizens in the world; there are only subjects. They work day in and day out for their masters; they are bound to die for their masters at call. Out of this working and dying they tend to get less and less. -- H.L. Mencken %% Abroad, adj. At war with savages and idiots. To be a Frenchman abroad is to be miserable; to be an American abroad is to make others miserable. -- Ambrose Bierce - The Enlarged Devil's Dictionary %% It is ordinary for us to poison rivers also; yea and the very elements whereof the world doth stand, are by us infected: for even the air itself, wherein and whereby all things should live, we corrupt to their mischief and destruction. -- Pliny The Elder %% I am a design chauvinist. I believe that good design is magical and not to be lightly tinkered with. The difference between a great design and a lousy one is in the meshing of the thousand details that either fit or don't, and the spirit of the passionate intellect that has tied them together, or tried. That's why programming-- or buying software-- on the basis of "lists of features" is a doomed and misguided effort. The features can be thrown together, as in a garbage can, or carefully laid together and interwoven in elegant unification, as in APL, or the Forth language, or the game of chess. -- Ted Nelson %% Two paradoxes are better than one; they may even suggest a solution. -- Edward Teller %% [In their report on _Life of Brian_]: Monty Python's usual schoolboy humour is here let loose on a period of history appropriately familiar to every schoolboy in the West, and a faith which could be shaken by such good-humoured ribaldry would be a very precarious faith indeed. -- The British Board Of Film Censors %% If we take in our hand any volume; of divinity or school metaphysics, for instance; let us ask, "Does it contain any abstract reasoning concerning quantity or number?" No. "Does it contain any experimental reasoning concerning matter of fact and existence?" No. Commit it then to the flames: for it can contain nothing but sophistry and illusion. -- David Hume %% You'll have to leave my meals on a tray outside the door because I'll be working pretty late on the secret of making myself invisible, which may take me almost until eleven o'clock. -- S.J. Perelman %% announcer: They witnessed the vast menagerie of animals. bullwinkle: Menagerie my foot! Those things are real! %% "Your death wasn't accepted in the computer records, please check in to clarify the matter". %% Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right. H. Ford %% That's kind of like my goal; to get naked with Robert Redford and to have a huge hit record. --- Sheena Easton %% 1. The Prince Charles Constantly criticises the architecture of your computer -- New viruses on the block. %% 2. The Nancy Sinatra Performs a random walk all over the hard disk's boot sector -- New viruses on the block. %% 3. The Taxation office Takes 48% of your winnings at Solitaire -- New viruses on the block. %% 4. The Treasury Substitutes Keno for the Solitaire game -- New viruses on the block. %% 5. The QR/BCC (Queensland Rail/Brisbane City Council) Runs your real-time clock half an hour late -- New viruses on the block. %% 6. The Student Will not store any data unless it is examinable -- New viruses on the block. %% 7. The Car Park Sprays your screen with muddy water -- New viruses on the block. %% 1. The Woody Allen virus Bypasses the mother board to corrupt the daughter boards. -- New viruses on the block. %% 2. The Oliver North virus Turns your printer into a document shredder. -- New viruses on the block. %% 3. The Joh virus Corrupts your data, but don't you worry about that. -- New viruses on the block. %% 4. The government economist virus Nothing works, but all the diagnostic software says everything is fine. -- New viruses on the block. %% 5. The Administration virus Fragments the hard disk into unattached clusters, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the machine. -- New viruses on the block. %% 6. The Avionics virus Displays a Compass logo while extracting $165000 from your cash reserves. -- New viruses on the block. %% 7. The Information Systems virus Reconfigures the system into an infinitely regressive non-stationary digital filter. -- New viruses on the block. %% 8. The Power virus Modifies the power supply output to 415V 3ph, which results in the whole computer self-destructing. -- New viruses on the block. 9. The WordPerfect virus Totally scrambles any document files. -- New viruses on the block. %% There's antimony arsenic aluminum selenium and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium and nickel neodymium neptunium germanium and iron americium ruthenium uranium europium zirconium lutetium vanadium and lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium and gold and protactinium and indium and gallium and iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium There's yttrium ytterbium actinium rubidium and boron gadolinium niobium iridium and strontium and silicon and silver samarium and bismuth bromine lithium beryllium and barium Isn't that interesting? I knew you would. I hope you're all taking notes because there's gonna be a short quiz next period. -- "the elements" by Tom Lehrer. [part 1] %% there's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium and phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium and manganese and mercury molybdenum magnesium dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium and lead praseodymium and platinum and plutonium palladium promethium potassium polonium and tantalum technetium titanium tellurium and cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium There's sulfur californium and fermium berkelium and also mendelevium einsteinium nobelium and argon krypton neon radon xenon zinc and rhodium and chlorine carbon cobalt copper tungsten tin and sodium These are the only ones of which the news has come to hahvard and there may be many others but they haven't been discahverd. -- "the elements" by Tom Lehrer. [part 2] %% If you visit an American City, You will find it very pretty. Just two things of which you must beware: Don't drink the water and don't breathe the air. Pollution, pollution, the got smog and sewage and mud, turn on your tap and get hot and cold running crud. -- POLLUTION by Tom Lehrer %% See the halibuts and the sturgeons being wiped out by detergents. Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly, but they don't last long if they try. Pollution, pollution, you can use the latest toothpaste, and then rinse your mouth with industrial waste. -- POLLUTION by Tom Lehrer %% Just go out for a breath of air, and you'll be ready for Medicare. The city streets are really quite a thrill, if the hoods don't get you, the monoxide will. Pollution, pollution, wear a gas mask and a veil, then you can breathe as long as you don't inhale. -- POLLUTION by Tom Lehrer %% Lots of things there that you can drink, but stay away from the kitchen sink. The kitchen garbage that you throw into the bay, they drink at lunch in San Jose. So go to the city, see the crazy people there, like lambs to the slaughter, they're drinking the water and breathing the air. -- POLLUTION by Tom Lehrer %% alien: n. a being who travels great distances to molest our cattle and trample our grain %% How I love C! The only language where main(){ puts("hello, world!"); } is equivalent to int i;main(){for(;i["]>> Fred, if you're afraid you'll have to overlook it besides you knew the job was dangerous when you took it he will drink his super sauce and throw the bad guys for a loss he will bring them in alive and kickin' (CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK!) when there's no one else to turn to there is one thing you should learn, to caaaaalll for super chicken caaaaalll for super chicken (PGWAULK!!!) %% "Adultary is the application of democracy to love" %% "...smart like a dog." -This is meant to indicate intelligence. It has to be said in a gruff accent of some sort while tapping your forehead meaningfully to get the full effect. %% "I have a photogenic memory." -as opposed to photographic. When this was first told to me, I could have sworn he'd said "photogenic member", but apparently I misheard. %% "Everyone knows me here. I'm practically a celebacy." -said while entering a restaurant of a friend. %% "It's OK, I'll pack on the plane." -- My Mom is off to London %% Dad's favourite advice:"Keep your eyes open and your fly shut." %% Mom's favourite expression:"Those pants are so dirty, I could make soup with them." %% Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work. %% Mistakes are often the stepping stones to failure %% Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours; but not the same 8 hours %% Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world %% "Man's mind mirrors a universe that mirrors man's mind." -- the crack in the cosmic egg. %% There is a difference between art and life and that difference is readability. - Marian Engel %% Surely where there's smoke there's fire? No, where there's so much smoke there's smoke. - John A. Wheeler %% Our view. . . is that it is an essential characteristic of experimentation that it is carried out with limited resources, and an essential part of the subject of experimental design to ascertain how these should be best applied; or, in particular, to which causes of disturbance care should be given, and which ought to be deliberately ignored. - Sir Ronald A. Fisher %% The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible. - Albert Einstein %% It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts. - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle %% By undue profundity we perplex and enfeeble thought; and it is possible to make even Venus herself vanish from the firmament by a scrutiny too sustained, too concentrated, or too direct. - E.A. Poe - The Murders in the Rue Morgue %% It's an experience like no other experience I can describe, the best thing that can happen to a scientist, realizing that something that's happened in his or her mind exactly corresponds to something that happens in nature. It's startling every time it occurs. One is surprised that a construct of one's own mind can actually be realized in the honest-to-goodness world out there. A great shock, and a great, great joy. - Leo Kadanoff %% I have found some of the best reasons I ever had for remaining at the bottom simply by looking at the men at the top. - Frank Moore Colby %% Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse. - Miguel De Cervantes %% He that wrestles with us strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skill. Our antagonist is our helper. - Edmund Burke %% There was a blithe certainty that came from first comprehending the full Einstein field equations, arabesques of Greek letters clinging tenuously to the page, a gossamer web. They seemed insubstantial when you first saw them, a string of squiggles. Yet to follow the delicate tensors as they contracted, as the superscripts paired with subscripts, collapsing mathematically into concrete classical entities-- potential; mass; forces vectoring in a curved geometry-- that was a sublime experience. The iron fist of the real, inside the velvet glove of airy mathematics. - Gregory Benford - Timescape %% I could never sleep my way to the top / 'Cause my alarm clock always wakes me right up. - They Might Be Giants - Hey, Mr D.J., I Thought You Said We Had a Deal %% One grows tired of jelly babies, Castellan. One grows tired of almost everything, Castellan, except power. - The Doctor - The Invasion of Time %% No matter how hard you try, there is always going to be someone more underground than you. - Robert Fulford %% Such is the audacity of man, that he hath learned to counterfeit Nature, yea, and is so bold as to challenge her in her work. - Pliny The Elder %% Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves. - Rudyard Kipling %% Somehow the wondrous promise of the earth is that there are things beautiful in it, things wondrous and alluring, and by virtue of your trade you want to understand them. - Mitchell Feigenbaum %% It is well to observe the force and virtue and consequence of discoveries, and these are to be seen nowhere more conspicuously than in those three which were unknown to the ancients, and of which the origin, though recent, is obscure and inglorious; namely, printing, gunpowder and the magnet [i.e. Mariner's Needle]. For these three have changed the whole face and state of things throughout the world. - Francis Bacon %% And if you give us any more trouble I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress. - Basil Fawlty - Mrs. Richards %% Predicting the future, as we all know, is risky. Predicting the evolution of new technology is downright hazardous. - Leon Cooper %% An apprentice carpenter may want only a hammer and saw, but a master craftsman employs many precision tools. Computer programming likewise requires sophisticated tools to cope with the complexity of real applications, and only practice with these tools will build skill in their use. - Robert L. Kruse - Data Structures and Program Design %% Shortcuts make long delays, but inns make even longer ones. -- J.R.R Tolkien, Lord of the Rings %% "You shouldn't change his code to be self consistently wrong." -- Alan Johnson 4:54pm 4/16/93 %% "I got a Mac-10 for officer Wind, Damn his devil ass Need to be shipped back to Kansas, In a casket, crew-cut faggot, Now he ain't nothin' but Food for the maggots....." --Ice Cube, "We Had to Tear this Mothafucka Up" %% I had injured my hamstring playing football and was having difficulty sitting, he said to me "What's the matter - have hormones?" %% Another time we were driving up the highway and saw a bindery named Muscle Bound. I said to my parents "Jeff thinks he's muscle-bound" to which he replied "Muscle-bound? I'm already there!" %% "I will speak for you Father. I speak for all mediocraties in the world. I am their champion. I am their...patron saint." -Antonio Salieri _Amadeus_ %% "In the worlds before monkey, primal chaos reigned. Heaven sought order, but the Phoenix can fly only when its feathers are grown. The four lands formed again and yet again, as endless eons wheeled and passed. The wind, time and water (??) all worked upon a certain rock, old as creation, and it became magically fertile. That first egg was called 'thought.' Tagahata (??) Buddah, the Father Buddah says, 'with our thoughts, we make the world.' Elemental forces caused the egg to hatch. From it came a stone monkey. The nature of monkey was IRREPRESSIBLE!" %% I think all right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. Well, I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. -- Monty Python %% A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are today. %% A friend never gets in your way, unless you're going down %% " If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question." --Stacy's mom %% ____________________________ | | /\ | / \ /|\ / \ ______|______ / \ | | / \y_______________\| I AM | \I THINK / /| | \ / |_____________| \ / \ / \/ |n \|/ _____|_______ | | | STOP | |_____________| %% "Necesity sure is the mother of all invention. It is also the mother of a few other choice things!" %% "If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom and yet avoid confrontation, are people who want crops without plowing up the ground; they want rain without thunder and lightning; they want the ocean without the roar of its waters." [Frederick Douglass] %% "Everyone was seeing red, except for Foggerty, who was colour-blind." %% "The Lord will provide, but to date he was behind on his payments." %% The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time. -- Franklin P. Adams %% In 9th grade, we were doing logic proofs and my math teacher at the time was telling us about DeMorgan's law: "So DeMorgan was fooling around, trying to find a relationship..." %% "People are now taking shotguns to UFO sightings. Kinda brings a whole new meaning to the phrase 'You ain't from 'round here, are ya?'" -- Bill Hicks %% "This morning I abused my electric toaster. Tonight the elevator held mehostage in revenge." - Woody Allen %% "Television? No good will come of this device. The word is half Greek and half Latin." - CP Scott %% "What's the use of computers? They'll never play chess, draw art or make music." - Jean Genet. %% "Groups with guitars are on the way out"-record company A & R person turning down the Beatles. %% "Space travel is utter bilge"-A British government official in the thirties. %% "There's no BODY-CHECKING in golf!!!"-Charlie Brown, to Lucy. %% Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man: Communism is the other way round %% Opportunity... often comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat. Napoleon Hill %% "Would you call that a launch problem, or a design problem?" %% "Hey Lazlo! Want to see a demostration of gravity?" %% "The Crossbow project - Because the best defense is nothing like a good offense!." %% "So Mitch, are you going to miss your friends?" "Umm, no. You see, I don't really have any. I'm afraid that I intimidate them." "Good boy!" -- From "Real Genius" %% Girl: Can you hammer a 6-inch spike through a board with your penis? Chris: (looks down) Not right now. Girl: Girl's gotta have her standards. -- From "Real Genius" %% Mitch: I had the strangest dream Chris: Was it a dream where you were standing atop a pyramid dressed in the robes of a sungod with thousands of naked women throwing little tiny pickles at you? Mitch: No Chris: Why am I the only one who has that dream? -- From "Real Genius" %% "It's kinda funny. When I see my name anywhere, it's (often) the '60's this or the '60's that. I can't figure out sometimes if people think I'm dead or alive" -Bob Dylan, 1985 interview %% [My brother, a currency trader in NYC, told me this one; he heard it on the trading floor soon after the burning of the Branch Dravidian's compund was first reported.] What does Waco stand for? What a cook out! -- MSINCLAI@drew.drew.edu (Matthew Sinclair) %% What do you call a Branch Davidian with a fire extinguisher? A heretic. What do you call a Scientologist with a flamethrower? A copycat. -- boyd@cs.buffalo.edu (Daniel F Boyd) %% Q: Why did the compound in Waco burn to the ground? A: They couldn't put out the fire with their Kool Aid. (tm) -- jbaltz@sci.ccny.cuny.edu (Jerry B Altzman) %% Did you hear that David Koresh was a closeted gay? He was flaming, but he didn't come out. -- OTTO@vaxb.acs.unt.edu (M. Otto) %% Q: Why don't we have more prophets like David Koresh? A: It's such a high stress job that burnout is almost inevitable. -- mserv@mozart.cc.iup.edu (Mail Server) %% The events in Waco could have been foreseen, had anyone in the FBI understood that David Koresh was encapsulating Jewish history. First they re-enacted Passover, then there was the re-enactment of the Warsaw ghetto uprising. -- oaf@martigny.ai.mit.edu (Oded Feingold) %% The Branch Davidian Church has split into two sects: Orthodox and Extra-Crispy. -- mcb@presto.ig.com (Michael C. Berch) %% NBC found a sponsor for the David Koresh mini-series: Weber Barbecues, Inc. -- mcb@presto.ig.com (Michael C. Berch) %% Q: What was the most popular name for Branch Davidian children? A: Ashley. -- mcb@presto.ig.com (Michael C. Berch) %% Q: How can we avoid future tragedies like the Waco conflagration? A: Strict OSHA standards requring automatic sprinkler systems for all cult compounds that accomodate 50 or more fanatics. -- mcb@presto.ig.com (Michael C. Berch) %% Q: What was David Koresh's favorite breakfast cereal? A: Crispy Critters! -- mcb@presto.ig.com (Michael C. Berch) %% Q: How is Waco like a Snickers bar? A: Roasted nuts. -- zarin@econ.sscnet.ucla.edu %% heard from my father...: After the tragedy at Mt. Carmel on Monday, the Branch Davidians will be holding a bar-b-que to attract new members. -- andrew@cubetech.com (Andrew Loewenstern) %% Sadly enough, I made this one up: Q: How did David Koresh find out he was Jesus Christ? A: God spoke to him through a burning buiding. -- hitz@cuhhca.hhmi.columbia.edu (Ben Hitz) %% I finally learned from a coworker what WACO stood for: We All Cooked Ourselves -- LEMON_JOHN@tandem.com %% Heard from a coworker: What do you get when you cross David Koresh & Jeffrey Dahmer? Brunch Davidian (barbeque naturally). -- cfarmer@orion.convex.com (Claude Farmer) %% Q: Why is Al Gore so upset with the Branch Davidians? A: Because of their contribution to global warming. -- babb@k2.sanders.lockheed.com (Scott Babb) %% Q: Did you hear that David Koresh lost his job as the second messiah? A: He got fired. -- babb@k2.sanders.lockheed.com (Scott Babb) %% Q: Did you hear about the tragedy at Waco? A: Evidently an NBC News crew was trying to move in for a close-up... -- babb@k2.sanders.lockheed.com (Scott Babb) %% Q: Did you know that Ranch Apocalypse had an Internet connection? A: Yes, and Koresh's last news post started: "Feel free to flame me, but..." -- babb@k2.sanders.lockheed.com (Scott Babb) %% I bet the Branch Davidians were really surprised when they woke up in Hell. -- mjassels@cs.concordia.ca (Michael Assels) %% WACO: We're A Combustible Organization -- edg@netcom.com (Ed Greenberg) %% I was just wondering, is it ethical to yell ``Branch Davidian'' in a crowded movie theatre? -- john@chance.gts.org (John R MacMillan) %% NBC announced plans for a new show this fall that essentially revives an old show: "The FBI". Scripts are only now being worked on, but the theme music for the show has already been decided: "We didn't start the fire..." -- burley@gnu.ai.mit.edu (Craig Burley) %% Well, David Koresh is going to go down in the annals of psychiatric history. He's the first person ever to have a 1400 acre Messiah complex. I can't believe that the FBI, with all its resources, didn't know what would happen once they sent the tanks in. After all, even a first-year medical student knows that a compound fracture is always followed by an inflammation. -- 73256.3042@compuserve.com (Phil Salkie) %% How do you pick up a Branch Davidian woman? With a dust-buster -- glreno@afterlife.ncsc.mil (Gerald Reno) %% What did God say to David Koresh when he met him? Well done. -- glreno@afterlife.ncsc.mil (Gerald Reno) %% What is the new Branch Davidian holiday? Ash Monday. -- glreno@afterlife.ncsc.mil (Gerald Reno) %% From the blackened hills of Apocalypse Ranch . . . WACO CRISPS (tm) Tangy Self-Fried Zealots _Now flavored with spicy pepper gas!_ Waco Crisps (tm) . . . a tempting taste-treat containing a healthy blend of gun nuts, battered and smoked kid, and chunks of genuine imitation Lamb of God. Another quality snack the makers of MOVEable Feasties and Jonestown Jambalaya. -- Sent to me by a friend... (sej@aol.com) %% 'You know my motto: Forgive and uh... the other thing.' %% Bus error: passengers dumped %% COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods. %% The C Programming Language: combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language. %% The Law of Software Development and Envelopment at MIT: Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail. %% The problem with engineers is that they cheat in order to get results. The problem with mathematicians is that they work on toy problems in order to get results. The problem with program verifiers is that they cheat on toy problems in order to get results. %% Anderson's Law: I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. %% "This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the left." -- peter@cbmvax.cbm.commodore.com %% It has been discovered that C++ provides a remarkable facility for concealing the trivial details of a program - such as where its bugs are. %% 1) There was a young girl from Peru 2) There was a young man from Verdun Whose limericks stopped at line two -- Martin Gardner "Aha, Gotcha!" %% "MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATTRESS?" "No, Calvin." "CAN I RIDE MY TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF?" "No, Calvin." "Then can I have a cookie?" "No, Calvin." ("She's on to me.") %% James Bond asked his ATT rep for a source licence to "kill". %% "That particular mistake will not be repeated. There are plenty of mistakes left that have not yet been used." -- Andy Tanenbaum (ast@cs.vu.nl) %% "The I.S.O. standard unit of female pulchritude is the milli-helen. This is the amount of beauty capable of causing the launching of a single ship." %% C++ -- The language in which only friends can access your private members. %% There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and BSD UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. %% "To be or nut^H^H^H -- sh^Gt, how do I delete..^D^D^D Oh No Oh NO^D^D^D -- How do I get out of this thing anyway (mumble mumble) Bus error (core dumped) %% Arthur C. Clarke's Law : It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. %% Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. %% One disk to rule them all, One disk to bind them, One disk to hold the files And in the darkness grind 'em %% OLTION'S COMPLETE, UNABRIDGED HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE Bang! ...crumple. -- Jery Oltion %% "I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises." -- Neil Armstrong %% "It was revealed this week that the Contras are breaking up, because one of them is dating Yoko." -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update %% "Not *the* Jane Harrington? Jane 'Bury Me in a Y-shaped Coffin' Harrington?" -- Edmund Blackadder %% "They're filming Rocky V now. This one's being billed as `Rocky's Greatest Challenge', so I guess there's an IQ test involved." -- Jay Leno %% "It's silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are all brothers. The truth is more likely that under the skin we are all cannibals, assassins, traitors, liars, hypocrites, poltroons." -- Henry Miller %% SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY 4: Johann Sebastian Bach %% "Great composer, but hasn't written much lately." -- Richard Caley %% SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY 4: Joan Armatrading %% She should get more credit than Tracy Chapman, but she's not always politically correct, and if there's one thing the music industry can't stand it's a talented black female folk/rocker who is NOT politically correct." -- Anton C Shepps %% 'And so the obvious phallic symbolism of Wolverine's claws provides a counterpoint to the Oedipal blindness motif of Cyclops' ruby visor.' -- Carl Rigney %% If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet. -- Isaac Bashevis Singer %% Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies. -- Bill Bulko %% "I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats." -- Woody Allen, on the KKK %% Trouble: Charles Manson. *REAL* Trouble: His evil twin. -- Mister Boffo %% I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see "Bambi", the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning, your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer _Rambo III_." -- Townsend Davis %% If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average. -- Bill Cosby %% - 'My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!' - 'Not in California.' -- Arnie Becker discusses marital infidelities on L.A. LAW %% "None of you understand. I'm not locked up in here with you. YOU'RE locked up in here with ME." -- Rorschach sets people straight. WATCHMEN 6 %% Seen in TV Guide, describing the Star Trek episode _Amok_Time_: "Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk." %% - "Can you drive a 6-inch spike through a board with your penis?" - "Uh, not right now." - "Tsk. A girl has to have her standards." -- Deborah Foreman to Val Kilmer in "Real Genius" %% The question if a computer can think is as interesting as the question if a submarine can swim. %% Black music is in, Black culture is in, but Black *people* will never be in." -- Kyle Baker, Why I Hate Saturn %% My goal is a simple one: To live forever -- or die trying. %% "Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power is derived by a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!" %% We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it. -- Dave Barry %% I'd rather that a bigot mistake me for a lesbian than that a lesbian mistake me for a bigot. -- Tovah Hollander %% Q: How is a book by Alan Dean Foster like a (void) function? A: Neither returns anything of value. %% The most important thing in life is to love someone. The second most important thing in life is to have someone love you. The third most important thing is to have the first two happen at the same time. -- Howie Schneider %% "How come he didn't put `I think' at the end of it?" -- James P. Hogan %% Jesus Saves -- Johnson scores on the rebound. %% Heisenburg may have slept here. %% Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. %% Recursive, adj.; see Recursive %% C Code. C Code Run. Run, Code, RUN! PLEASE!!!! %% Jesus rose from the dead and the apostles came unto him saying "How's Elvis" %% When I was young, my family bought a color TV. Our neigbors, who were poorer, had only a black-and-white set. They bought a piece of cellophane, shaded from red through yellow to blue, and taped it over their screen, so they could claim that they had a color TV, too. Now there's Windows 3.1. %% 2 + 2 = 5 for sufficiently large values of 2. %% I know you're supposed to take life one day at a time -- but lately several days have attacked me at once. %% In the immortal words of the captain of the Titantic, 'Where did all this fucking ice come from?' %% A friend is someone you call to help you move. A best friend is someone you call to help you move... a body. %% - What is your name? - "Sir Brian of Bell." - What is your quest?" - "I seek the Holy Grail." - What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?" - "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!" -- Mark-Jason Dominus %% It is a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years. -- Tom Lehrer %% "Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof." -- Ashley Montague %% "The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom." -- Clarence Darrow %% "Puritanism -- The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy." -- H. L. Mencken %% "The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. The happiness of credulity is a cheap and dangerous quality." -- George Bernard Shaw %% If I have not seen farther, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. -- Anonymous, quoted in the GNU Awk manual %% "Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!" -- THE SIMPSONS %% Sic Biscuitus Disintegrat. -- Adrian Ogden %% I keep hearing that Jesus Christ is coming, but nobody knows his tour dates. -- Michael Lucas %% The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. -- Bertrand Russell %% 'Albert, stop telling God what to do.' -- Niels Bohr %% Lies, damned lies and user documentation. %% The ugliest code I ever saw was the junk I wrote two months ago. The greatest code I ever saw is the stuff I'm writing today. This statement will still be true two months from now. -- John Norstad, Disinfectant author %% "My uncle has a country place that no-one knows about, he says it used to be a farm before he mowed the lawn..." %%