Fortunes I got off mork (Simon Raik)...
%%
We must never permit the voice of humanity within us to be silenced.
It is man's sympathy with all creatures  that first makes him truly a man.
	(Albert Schweitzer)
%%
The real problem with a person who was born on third base is that he
goes through life thinking that he hit a triple
%%
Foreign Aid (n): The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries
to rich people in poor countries.
%%
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.
	(Steve Wozniak)
%%
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all
progress depends on the unreasonable man.
	(George Bernard Shaw)
%%
Breakthrough ideas are not from teams.
	(Hans von Ohain)
%%
Perfection: not perfect action in a perfect world, but appropriate
actions in an imperfect one.
	(R. H. Blyth)
%%
Money is like Manure.  If you spread it around, it does a lot of good.
But if you pile it up in one place, it stinks like hell.
	(Clint Murchison, millionaire oilman)
%%
Practice safe government -- use a kingdom.
%%
The only test of our integrity of purpose is our willingness to defend
persons with whom we totally disagree.
	(Roger Baldwin, ACLU co-founder)
%%
I disagree with what you say but will defend to the death your right to
tell such LIES, LIES!  ALL LIES!
	(Voltaire's Evil Twin) 
%%
Conservative: a Liberal who has gotten mugged.
Civil Libertarian: a Conservative under indictment.
%%
I'm opposed to millionares, but it would be dangerous to
offer me the position.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
Man is most nearly himself when he achieves the seriousness of a
child at play.
	(Heraclitus)
%%
Idealism + Pragmatism = Cynicism
%%
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created
equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable
Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of
Happiness.
%%
I do not feel obliged to believe that same God who endowed us with sense,
reason, and intellect had intended for us to forgo their use.
	(Galileo)
%%
Being source-challenged is no problem.  It's when you're
documentation-challenged that difficulties arise. 
	(Henry Spencer)
%%
Do not meddle with the affairs of wizards,
for they are subtle and quick to anger.
	(J. R. R. Tolkien)
%%
Passwords: "Use them like a toothbrush.  Change them often and don't
share them with friends."
	(Clifford Stoll)
%%
FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks
without knowledge, of things without parallel."
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
He who asks is a fool for 5 minutes, but
he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
	(Chinese Proverb)
%%
Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you.
Their tastes may differ.
	(Bernard Shaw) 
%%
It's easier to give an apology than get permission.
	(Cliff Stoll)
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
	(Isaac Asimov)
%%
There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1:  Don't tell people everything you know.
%%
Ever notice how religion and a political campaign are alike? You
can't tell if the promises are true until it's too late to go back.
%%
You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
Posthumously.
%%
To err     is   human.  To bleat is   ovine.  To bark   is canine.
To forgive is  divine.  To oink  is porcine.  To purr   is feline.
To moo     is  bovine.  To howl  is  lupine.  This list is asinine.
%%
NOTICE: If you notice this notice, you will notice after noticing
this notice that this notice was not worth noticing.
%%
Q:  How many dyslexics does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Eno.
%%
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.
	(Peter DeVries)
%%
If Satan goes bald, there'll be Hell Toupee.
%%
"I don't have time to think, I've got programs to write."
%%
Limit congressmen to two terms.  One in office.  One in jail.
%%
If it's the thought that counts, why aren't
there more pregnant women around?
%%
They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.  That's not as
bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.
%%
Physicists define stress as force per unit area.  The rest of humanity 
defines stress as physics.
%%
As we all know, a high school drop-out has very poor job prospects.
The best he can hope for is to become Prime Minister of the United
Kingdom.
	(Jim Tubman)
%%
Are crooked teeth supporting evidence for the theory of contidental
drift?
%%
Expert (ecks-purt) from the Greek; `X' meaning unknown, and `spurt',
meaning a drip under pressure.
%%
Why is it that the coyote can afford all that expensive ACME
equipment but he can't afford to go out to eat?
%%
Q:  Why do women change their minds so often?
A:  To keep them clean.
%%
Times are so hard in NYC that the Mafia has even laid off four
judges.
%%
Dyslexus:  the car for drivers who signal left and turn right.
%%
bom.ni.science \bom-'nish-*n(t)s\ n : the situation, quality, or state
whereby Bo knows everything.
%%
My nephew wants to be an abstract artist, so I got him a paint-by-
irrational-number kit.
%%
"I find it hard to sit still in one spot, and impossible to
sit still in two spots."
	(Brother Theodore)
%%
Sirs:

This is to inform you that the Iraqi Forces in Defense of Saddam have 
placed a bomb in an undetermined location which will explode at precis
%%
"At other places it's called having fun. We call it procrastination."
%%
Q: What's the male equivalent of the maternity dress?
A: The paternity suit.
%%
Q: Why did the epistemologist cross the road?
A: I don't know.
%%
Be on the lookout for a leopard which escaped from the zoo early this morning.
It was spotted near the corner of 12th and Cherry at around 8 AM, and in all
likelihood still is.
%%
Q: How many minimalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
%%
"If we can put a man on the moon ....
why don't we put them all there."
%%
Q:  How does an American change a light bulb?
A:  He doesn't.  He throws the lamp away and buys a new one.
%%
The other day I put my wrists in front of my eyes.  I had carpal tunnel vision
syndrome.
%%
Q: What is the transition stage between capitalism and communism?
A: Alcoholism.
%%
Q. When is a door not a door?
A. When it's Val Kilmer.
%%
Graduate School:  It's not just a job, its an indenture.
%%
Q:  What did the blind person say when given some matzah?
A:  Who the hell wrote this?
%%
Q: How many University of Chicago Economics professors does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None.  If the bulb needed fixing the market would have done it.
%%
Q: Does a cow have Buddha-nature ?
A: Mu
%%
VAX: A machine for the 80's, and it still is.
%%
Q. Why did the L.A. cops leave the ballgame early?
A. They wanted to beat the crowd.
%%
Q: So what's an onomatopia?
A: A socio-governmental system that just sounds good.
%%
Quantum particles: the dreams that stuff is made of.
%%
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
%%
If your knees bent the other way, what would chairs look like?
%%
Q: Do you know what an assistant dean is?  
A: A mouse in training to be a rat.
%%
Those who can, do;  those who can't, teach;  
those who can't teach, teach teachers.
%%
The rich get richer, the poor get teachers.
%%
Jesus Christ was a good teacher, but he didn't publish.
%%
Q: What do you call a man who has lost 90% of his intelligence?
A: A widower
%%
The only thing that is fault tolerant about the Internet is
that the users are prepared to tolerate its faults.
	(Rob Pike)
%%
You're 1 in a million; there's 7 1/2 of you in New York.
%%
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children?
A: He just adored the platter of little feet...
%%
Joe's Law of Keys:
The more keys you have, the more likely you are to be locked out.
%%
Q: How did the Software Engineer die in the shower?
A: He was following the shampoo instructions, which said:
   "Lather. Rinse. Repeat.", and he couldn't get out of the loop.
%%
Q: What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A: Government bonds mature.
%%
Did you hear about the logician who got a kidney stone from too much dirty
dancing?  It was diagnosed as a lambada calculus.
%%
Q: What's the difference between a Lawyer and a Plumber?
A: A Plumber works to _unclog_ the system.
%%
The U.S. has 70 percent of the world's lawyers, and generates 70 percent
of the world's garbage... but I repeat myself....
	(Hagar the Horrible)
%%
Some husbands are living proof that women can take a joke.
%%
Q: Why do anarchists drink only herbal tea?
A: Because proper tea is theft.
%%
Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: They taste funny.
%%
80% of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
%%
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere,
is having fun.
	(H. L. Mencken)
%%
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
	(Canada Bill Jones)
%%
A Thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. How do it know?
	(Bruce Willis)
%%
A behaviorist is a person who pulls habits out of rats.
%%
A bird in the bush usually has a friend there with him.
%%
A bird in the hand often leaves a sticky deposit. Perhaps it was
better you left it in the bush with the other one.
%%
A bleating sheep gets the hay.
	(Old Estonian Proverb)
%%
A businessman needs three umbrellas--one to
leave at the office, one to leave at home,
and one to leave on the train.
	(Paul Dickson)
%%
A cabbage is a vegetable about as large
and wise as a man's head.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
A chubby man in a red suit and a white beard will approach you sometime
in December. Avoid him. He's a commie.
%%
A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured
and then quietly strangled.
	(Sir Barnett Cocks)
%%
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
	(Lazurus Long)
%%
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do
nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
	(Fred Allen)
%%
A consistent fool minds little hobgoblins.
%%
A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
	(Whitney Balliet)
%%
A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
%%
A dog is a dog unless he is facing you; then he is Mr. Dog.
	(Haitian Proverb)
%%
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and
won't change the subject.
	(Sir Winston Churchill)
%%
A feature is a bug with seniority.
	(Dave Bartley)
%%
A food is not necessarily essential just
because your child hates it.
	(Katherine Whitehorne)
%%
A fool and his money are fun.
%%
A gentleman is one who never strikes a woman without provocation.
	(H.L. Mencken)
%%
A gift of flower will soon be made to you.
%%
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
%%
A good catchword can obscure analysis for fifty years.
	(Wendell L. Willkie)
%%
A good cure for a hangover is to drink black
coffee the night before instead of the
morning after.
	(Laurence J. Peter)
%%
A good man giving bad advice is more
dangerous than a nasty man giving bad
advice.
	(Conor Cruise O'Brien)
%%
A good scare is worth more to a man than
good advice.
	(Ed Howe)
%%
A good workman is known by his tools.
%%
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend
upon the support of Paul.
	(George Bernard Shaw)
%%
A hat should be taken off when you greet a
lady and left off for the rest of your life.
Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.
	(P. J. O'Rourke)
%%
A home is the place where part of the family
waits until the others have returned with the car.
%%
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
	(Chinese Proverb)
%%
A jury consists of twelve people chosen
to decide who has the better lawyer.
	(Robert Frost)
%%
A keyboard! How quaint!
	(Scotty)
%%
A king's castle is his home.
%%
A kite rises against, not with the wind.
%%
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
%%
A little fool is in the mind of a consistent hobgoblin.
%%
A little hobgoblin fools consistent minds.
%%
A little hobgoblin is a consistently foolish mind.
%%
A little humility is arrogance.
	(Bill Gray)
%%
A little hush money can do a lot of talking.
%%
A little mind is the hobgoblin of consistent fools.
%%
A man forgives only when he is in the wrong.
%%
A man is a fool if he drinks before he
reaches fifty, and a fool if he doesn't
drink afterward.
	(Frank Lloyd Wright)
%%
A man of means means more than a man who's mean.
%%
A man who turns green
has eschewed protein.
%%
A man with one watch knows what time it is;
a man with two watches is never sure.
%%
A mans character is his destiny.
	(Heraclitus)
%%
A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted
%%
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
but to protect the writer.
	(Dean Acheson)
%%
A morsel of genuine history is a thing so rare as to be always valuable.
	(Thomas Jefferson)
%%
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
	(Lazurus Long)
%%
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
	(Gore Vidal)
%%
A never-failing way to get rid of a fellow
is to tell him something for his own good.
	(Kin Hubbard)
%%
A piano is a piano is a piano.
	(Gertrude Steinway)
%%
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something
to stick in his mouth.
	(Ed Trischmann)
%%
A platitude is simply a truth repeated until people get tired of
hearing it.
	(Stanley Baldwin)
%%
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
	(Lazurus Long)
%%
A preposition is something you should never end a sentence with.
%%
A program is much like a nose...
Sometimes it runs,
Sometimes it blows.
%%
A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party; there is no battle
unless there be two.
	(Seneca)
%%
A rich person's joke is always funny.
%%
A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
	(Ramsey Clark)
%%
A room without books is like a body without a soul.
	(Cicero)
%%
A scurfy child needs be combed.
	(Everyday Danish Proverb)
%%
A semicolon after the word 'do' or 'then' is probably wrong.
%%
A ship on the beach is a lighthouse to the sea.
	(Dutch Proverb)
%%
A sine-wave goes off into infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
	(Prof. Steiner)
%%
A singles bar is the gadget that keeps the
one-dollar bills from flying out of a cash register drawer.
%%
A statistician is someone who can draw a straight line from an
unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion
%%
A stitch in time saves nine.
%%
A successful executive is one who can delegate all the
responsibility, shift all the blame, and appropriate all
the credit.
%%
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the first one
you thought of.
	(Burt Bacharach)
%%
A tautology is a thing that is tautological.
%%
A thin book: Memoirs of an Amnesic
	(Eric Satie)
%%
A tree is a tree. How many more do you need to look at?
	(Ronald Reagan)
%%
A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.
%%
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat
anything that can have children.
	(David Brenner)
%%
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's
written on.
	(Louis B. Mayer)
%%
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice
without getting nervous.
%%
A whole hog is better than no hog at all.
%%
A writer must not shift your point of view.
%%
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
%%
A young doctor requires a big cemetery.
	(Time-honored Russian Proverb)
%%
ASCII -- what you do-ie if you don't know-ie.
%%
About sentence fragments.
%%
About the worst advice you can give to some
people is, "Be yourself."
	(Tom Masson)
%%
Absolute knowledge means never having to change your mind.
%%
Abstract Art: A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled
to the utterly bewildered.
	(Al Capp)
%%
Accuracy: The vice of being right
%%
Act quickly, think slowly.
	(Greek Proverb)
%%
Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
%%
Actual and formal parameters must match in order, number, and type.
%%
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one
was that they escaped teething.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
Adapt. Enjoy. Survive.
%%
Add little to little and there will be a big pile.
	(OVID)
%%
Admiration, n.:
	Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
	ourselves
		(Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary")
%%
Adore: To venerate expectantly.
%%
Adult: One old enough to know better.
%%
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
intelligence long enough to get money from it.
	(Stephen Leacock)
%%
Advice is like snow; the softer it falls the
longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it
sinks into the mind.
	(Coleridge)
%%
Advice is seldom welcome. Those who need it
most, like it least.
	(Samuel Johnson)
%%
Advice is what we ask for when we already
know the answer but wish we didn't.
	(Erica Jong)
%%
Advice, n. The smallest current coin.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
After Goliath's defeat, giants ceased to command respect.
	(Freeman Dyson)
%%
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
%%
After learning the tricks of the trade many of us think we know the trade.
%%
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
%%
Age is a question of mind over matter. If
you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
	(Satchel Paige)
%%
Age is relative; when you are over the hill you pick up speed.
%%
Airplane Law:
When the plane you are on is late,
the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
%%
Algorithms + Data Structures = Programs
	(Niklaus Wirth)
%%
All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
	(Kingfish)
%%
All business sagacity reduces itself in the
last analysis to a judicious use of
sabotage.
	(Thorstein Veblen)
%%
All looks yellow to a jaundiced eye.
%%
All my life I said I wanted to be someone...I can see now that
I should have been more specific.
	(Lily Tomlin)
%%
All obvious theorems are true.
        (Pommersheim's Principle)
All true theorems are obvious.
        (Keane's Kriterion)
%%
All wrong numbers are the same person.
%%
Also, avoid awkward and affected alliterations.
%%
Always be a little kinder than necessary.
	(James M. Barrie)
%%
Always do what you are afraid to do.
	(Emerson)
%%
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
	(Oscar Wilde)
%%
Always forgive your enemies--nothing annoys
them so much.
	(Oscar Wilde)
%%
Always hide beer in a dark place.
	(Lazurus Long)
%%
Always imitate the behavior of the winners when you lose.
%%
Always let your flattery be seen through,
for what really flatters a man is that you
think him worth flattering.
	(George Bernard Shaw)
%%
Always live in the ugliest house on the
street--then you don't have to look at it.
	(David Hockney)
%%
Always pick on the correct idiom.
%%
Always refuse the advice that passion gives.
	(English Proverb)
%%
Always rise from the table with an appetite,
and you will never sit down without one.
	(William Penn)
%%
America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
	(Oscar Wilde)
%%
America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
	(Allen Ginsberg)
%%
Among the chief worries of today's business executives is the
large number of unemployed still on the payrolls.
%%
An abstainer is a weak person who yields
to the temptation of denying himself pleasure.
%%
An artist should be fit for the best society
and keep out of it.
	(John Ruskin)
%%
An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a 
complex, incomprehensible truth.
%%
An easy life saps one's will.
%%
An eccentric America is a Safe America...
%%
An egotist is a person more interested in himself than me.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
An elephant: a mouse built to government specifications.
	(Lazurus Long)
%%
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which
can be made, in a very narrow field.
	(Niels Bohr)
%%
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
	(Gerald Weinberg)
%%
An honest executive is one who shares the credit with the person
who did all the work.
%%
An object never serves the same function as its image--or its name.
	(Rene Magritte)
%%
An old cloak makes a new jerkin.
	(Age-old English Proverb)
%%
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
	(Lawrence J. Peter)
%%
An ounce of vanity can ruin a ton of merit.
%%
Anarchist's Slogan: Don't vote. The government will get in.
%%
Anarchy is better that no government at all.
%%
And don't start sentences with conjunctions.
%%
Anger makes dull men witty--but it keeps them poor.
	(Sir Francis Bacon)
%%
Angular momentum makes the world go round.
%%
Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already
sufficiently slippery.
%%
Any opposing views may simply go to hell.
%%
Any philosophy that can be put in a nut shell,
belongs there.
	(Anonymous)
%%
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
	(Sig Malek)
%%
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
%%
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of magic.
	(Arthur C. Clarke)
%%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
	(Andy Finkel)
%%
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll
spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is
not to be trusted with the office.
	(David Broder)
%%
Anyone can hate. It costs to love.
	(John Williamson)
%%
Anyone who is concerned about his dignity
would be well advised to keep away from
horses.
	(Duke of Edinburgh)
%%
Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really know what's going on.
%%
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has
never tried taking candy from a baby.
	(Robin Hood)
%%
Anything anybody can say about America is true.
	(Emmett Grogan)
%%
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
%%
Anything that isn't nailed down is mine.
Anything I can pry loose isn't nailed down.
%%
Anything's possible, but only a few things actually happen.
%%
Anytime things appear to be going better you have overlooked something.
	(Francis P. Chisholm)
%%
Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults
is proportional to the number of viewers.
%%
Appeal, vt. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
Applause, n. The echo of a platitude.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
Apple - Typically a device to seduce men, usually equipped with a 
	display screen
%%
Appliances must carry energy-efficiency labels, but
so far the government doesn't require them on people.
%%
Archeologists date any old thing.
%%
Are you changing your mind, or is your mind changing you?
%%
Argue for your limitations and you get to keep them.
	(Richard Bach)
%%
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
	(Mickey Mouse)
%%
Armenians are comical in full battle dress.
%%
Army Axiom:
Any order that can be misunderstood will be misunderstood.
%%
Arrange your life so that you don't have to be present.
%%
Art is a collaboration between God and the
artist, and the less the artist does the
better.
	(Andre Gide)
%%
Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers behave
like they do in the movies.
%%
Artists can color the sky red because they
know it's blue. Those of us who aren't
artists must color things the way they
really are or people might think we're
stupid.
	(Jules Feiffer)
%%
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list...
	(W. S. Gilbert)
%%
As you already know, many people find it condescending to be
informed that they already know something.
%%
As you read the scroll, it vanishes...
%%
Ask a lot, but take what is offered.
	(Russian Proverb)
%%
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only
if he's buying.
	(Fran Lebowitz)
%%
At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization,
its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
	(Richard Brien)
%%
Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
	(Richard C. Cournelle)
%%
Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
%%
Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
%%
Avalanche is better than none.
	(Bullwinkle)
%%
Avast, ye slobs! Deploy the mizzen mast! Rotate
the rubber baby buggy bumpers!
	(Anonymous)
%%
Avoid cute identifiers.
%%
Avoid the use of dyed-in-the-wool cliches.
%%
Avoid the utilization of enlarged words when shortened ones will do.
%%
Avoid treacherous locutions that sound flaky.
%%
Avoidification of neologisms strengthenifies your prosification.
%%
BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd.
%%
Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.
	(Nicolas Chamfort)
%%
Badness comes in waves.
%%
Bankers' Hours: That part of the day when it is too hot to play golf.
%%
Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather
we are having.
%%
Batteries not included.
%%
Be a better psychiatrist and the world
will beat a psychopath to your door.
%%
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
%%
Be careful about reading health books.
You could die of a misprint.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
Be careful, and you will save many men from
the sin of robbing you.
	(Ed Howe)
%%
Be careful of dangling participles writing a paper.
%%
Be careful of the words you say.
Keep them soft and sweet,
Because you never know, from day to day,
Which ones you'll have to eat.
	(K. McCarthy)
%%
Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!
Things won't get any better so get used to it.
%%
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
%%
Be not a baker if your head be of butter.
	(Timeless English Proverb)
%%
Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.
	(Chinese Proverb)
%%
Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.
	(Confucian Proverb)
%%
Be obscure clearly.
	(E.B. White)
%%
Be suspicious of anything that works perfectly --
it's probably because two errors are canceling
each other out.
	(Dave Bartley)
%%
Be virtuous and you will be eccentric.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here.
	(J.T. Kirk)
%%
Beans come from the place where beans are.
	(Timeworn Bondei Proverb)
%%
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.
%%
Been Transferred Lately?
%%
Been through hell? Did you bring anything back for me?
	(Ashleigh Brilliant)
%%
Before God and the bus driver we are all equal.
%%
Before they made you they broke the mold.
%%
Before you have an argument with the boss, take a good look at
both sides - the boss's side and the outside.
%%
Behind every successful man,
is a very surprised woman.
%%
Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.
	(Oscar Levant)
%%
Being broke is a condition. Being poor is a state of mind.
%%
Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters
in life begin when you get what you want.
	(Irving Kristol)
%%
Being schizophrenic is better than living alone.
%%
Better a Quest Perilous than a Pest Querulous.
%%
Better ask twice than go wrong once.
	(German Proverb)
%%
Beware a man of one book.
	(English Proverb)
%%
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
%%
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
	(Henry David Thoreau)
%%
Beware of and eschew pompous prolixity.
%%
Beware of malapropisms. They are a communist submersive plot.
%%
Beware of the man who will not engage in
idle conversation; he is planning to steal
you walking stick or water your stock.
	(William Emerson)
%%
Bigot, n.  One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion
that you do not entertain.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
and you'll be Gary, Indiana. 
	(Jessie in the movie "Greaser's Palace")
%%
Bit, n.	 The quantum of misinformation.
%%
Blessed are they that run around in circles,
for they shall be known as wheels.
%%
Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think.
%%
Bring all you got.
	(Bob Gibson)
%%
Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
%%
Brown shoes don't make it.
	(Frank Zappa)
%%
Brunk's Law of Programming:
	If a listing has a beginning it has an end.
%%
But let them prove it if they can.
	(Oliver Goldsmith)
%%
"But officer, I was doing the speed limit!  In hexadecimal!"
%%
By an inevitable chain of causes and effects,
Providence punishes national sins by national
calamities.
	(George Mason)
%%
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely
overwhelm me.
	(Ashleigh Brilliant)
%%
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
%%
C is a Wirth-less language.
%%
CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.
%%
COMPUTER SCIENCE - A study akin to numerology
and astrology, but lacking the precision of the
former and the success of the latter.
%%
Call upon a man of business during hours of
business only to transact your business.
Then go about your business and give him
time to attend to his business.
	(Anonymous)
%%
"Captain, we seem to be trapped inside a late 20th century computer system."

"Blast us out of here, Mr. Sulu!"
%%
Chess is a sea in which a gnat may drink and an elephant may bathe.
%%
Chess, like love, like music, has the power to make men happy.
	(S. Tarrasch)
%%
Children are unpredictable. You never know what
inconsistency they're going to catch you in next.
	(Franklin P. Jones)
%%
Choose meaningful variable names.
%%
Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
	(George Bernard Shaw)
%%
Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
tobacco in between.
%%
Civilization!  Look for a Burger King.
	(Anonymous)
%%
Civilization Law #1:
Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations
one can do without thinking about them.
%%
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
	(Lazurus Long)
%%
Cogito ergo spud:
I think, therefore I yam.
%%
College isn't the place to go for ideas.
	(Helen Keller)
%%
Comment your variables.
%%
Committee work is like a soft chair - easy to get into but
hard to get out of.
%%
Completion of any tasks within the allocated time and budget does not bring
credit upon those involved, it merely proves the task was easier than
expected.
%%
Computer Science is a little bird, chirping in your ear.
Computer Science is a pretty flower that smells BAD.
%%
Computer hackers do it all night long.
%%
Computer modelers simulate it first.
%%
Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
%%
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
%%
Computer programs are 90% debugged 50% of the time.
%%
Computer scientists can do anything except chemistry
and accounting, and that is by choice.
%%
Conclusion first, Premise afterwards.
	(Joseph Rickaby)
%%
Confidence is simply that quiet assured feeling you
have before you fall flat on your face.
%%
Confucius say too much.
	(Recent Chinese Proverb)
%%
Conscience: A small, still voice that makes minority reports.
	(Franklin P. Jones)
%%
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
	(H.L. Mencken)
%%
Conservative, n.  A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as
distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
Consider nothing as impossible before it has come to pass.
%%
Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a
young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today
as you were a year ago.
	(Bernard Berenson)
%%
Conspiracy is the opiate of the asses.
%%
Consult, v.t.  To seek another's approval of a course already
decided upon.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
Continuity of thought, logical development and
smooth transitions are important. Never leave
the reader guessing.
%%
Corporation, n.	 An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit
without individual responsibility.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
Courage is your greatest present need.
%%
Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
%%
Credit is the root of all money.
	(Jonny Von Z.)
%%
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
%%
Cultivate vices when you are young,
and when you are old they will not forsake you.
%%
Cynic, n.  A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
not as they ought to be.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
DIP switch -- what we'll probably get out of the next
presidential election.
%%
Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small
children, as they are already stretched and
pulled to such a length that the child
cannot do them much harm one way or the
other.
	(Robert Benchley)
%%
De-accession euphemisms.
%%
Dear Auntie Em:
	Hate you, hate Kansas. Goodbye. I'm taking the dog.
	-- Dorothy
%%
Dear Melanie:
	If I don't get that material for my new dress, it's curtains.
	-- Scarlett
%%
Decaffeinated coffee?  Just Say No.
%%
Defame, v.t.  To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
Democracy is the worst system devised by the wit of man,
except for all the others.
	(Winston Churchill)
%%
Depend not on fortune, but on conduct.
	(Pubilus Syrus)
%%
Deprive a mirror of its silver and
even the Czar won't see his face.
%%
Did you hear about the unitarian branch of the Ku Klux Klan?
They go around burning question-marks on people's lawns.
%%
Difficulties mastered are opportunities won.
%%
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" till you can find a rock.
	(Wynn Catlin)
%%
Disappointment is discovering you can't do it twice. Despair is discovering
you can't do it once.
%%
Discussion, n.	A method of confirming others in their errors.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
Disobey, v.t.  To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity
of a command.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
Distress, n.  A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity
of a friend.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very
slight acquaintance and without any visible reason.
	(Lord Chesterfield)
%%
Distrust interested advice.
	(Aesop)
%%
Do it. Or don't do it.
But either way, don't bitch about it.
%%
Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is
unseemly and they use too much vermouth.
	(Fran Lebowitz)
%%
Do not clog intellect's sluices
With bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
%%
Do not drink coffee in AM. It will keep you awake till noon.
%%
Do not invest your whole life in one hope.
	(Austin O'Malley)
%%
Do not put statements in the negative form.
%%
Do not put your spoon in the pot which does not boil for you.
	(Romanian Proverb)
%%
Do not remove a fly from a friend's forehead with a hatchet.
	(Chinese Proverb)
%%
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
%%
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.
Don't have aesthetic convulsions when using them, either.
%%
Do not videotape your child in the bathtub.
Do not name your child after a Scandinavian
deity or any aspect of the weather.
	(Daniel Menaker)
%%
Do photons have mass?
Are any of them Catholic?
%%
Do unto yourself as your neighbors do unto themselves and look pleasant.
	(George Ade)
%%
Do your kids a favor--don't have any.
	(Robert Orben)
%%
Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad...
%%
Doing just the opposite is also a form of imitation
	(G. C. Lichtenberg)
%%
Don't act, think.
	(David Lean)
%%
Don't ask of your friends what you yourself can do.
	(Quintus Ennius)
%%
Don't bathe if there is no water.
	(Shan Proverb)
%%
Don't be afraid to be outrageous; the
critics will shoot you down anyway.
	(Laurence Olivier)
%%
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
%%
Don't believe in miracles; rely on them.
%%
Don't care if you're rich or not, as long as you can live
comfortably and have everything you want.
%%
Don't do anything you wouldn't be willing to
explain on television.
	(Arjay Miller)
%%
Don't eat yellow snow.
	(Frank Zappa)
%%
Don't fall before you're pushed.
	(English Proverb)
%%
Don't fight the problem, decide it.
	(General George C. Marshall)
%%
Don't follow trends, start trends.
	(Frank Capra)
%%
Don't forget to swing hard, in case you hit
the ball.
	(Woodie Held)
%%
Don't get even... get mad!
	(Anonymous)
%%
Don't get stuck in a closet--wear yourself out.
%%
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
%%
Don't ignore details.  Lick them.
%%
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
	(Bo Diddley)
%%
Don't look back. Something may be gaining on you.
	(Satchel Paige)
%%
Don't look now, but there is a large
multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
%%
Don't lose
Your head
To gain a minute
You need your head
Your brains are in it.
	(Burma Shave)
%%
Don't make the mistake of treating your dogs
like humans or they'll treat you like dogs.
	(Martha Scott)
%%
Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
%%
Don't park in the spaces marked, "Reserved
for Umpires."
	(John McSherry)
%%
Don't say the same thing more than once. It's redundant and repetitious.
%%
Don't steal; thoul't never thus compete
successfully in business. Cheat.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
Don't store garlic near other victuals.
	(Lazurus Long)
%%
Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.
	(James J. Ling)
%%
Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to 
keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving 
up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.
%%
Don't think there are no crocodiles because the water is calm.
	(Malayan Proverb)
%%
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.
	(Lazurus Long)
%%
Don't use no double negatives.
%%
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.	 If your ideas are
any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
	(Howard Aiken)
%%
Don't worry, lightning never strikes twice in the same
%%
Don't write a run-on sentence you have to punctuate it.
%%
Don't write the program before you've designed it.
%%
Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
	(Kahlil Gibran)
%%
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
	(Voltaire)
%%
Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
	(Paul Tillich, German theologian and historian)
%%
Drink beer,
think beer.
	(Established Congolese Proverb)
%%
Drink the first. Sip the second slowly. Skip
the third.
	(Knute Rockne)
%%
Drink your coffee -- there are people sleeping in India.
%%
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such
fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.
	(Robert Benchley)
%%
Ducharm's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
yourself as part of the problem.
%%
Due to a shortage of devoted followers,
the production of great leaders has been discontinued.
%%
Dunstone's Philosophy:
	There is more than one way to boot a disk.
%%
Dykstra's Observation:
	If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must
	be the process of putting them in.
%%
Each else is matched with the preceding un-elsed if.
%%
Each honest calling, each walk of life, has its own elite, its own aristocracy
based on excellence of performance.  
	(James Bryant Conant)
%%
Each pronoun should agree with their antecedent.
%%
Early dead, early wed.
	(Hoary English Proverb)
%%
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.
%%
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to 
you for the rest of the day.
%%
Eat before shopping for food.
%%
Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without
losing your temper or your self-confidence.
%%
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
God is not capricious or arbitrary.  No such faith comforts the software
engineer.
	(Fred Brooks, Jr.)
%%
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
	(Groucho Marx)
%%
Elephants and grandchildren never forget.
%%
Englishman: A creature who thinks he is being virtuous
when he is only being uncomfortable.
	(George Bernard Shaw)
%%
Enjoy yourself--it's later than you think.
	(Chinese Proverb)
%%
Enter the mill and you will come out floury.
	(Common Estonian Proverb)
%%
Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
	(Gerritt Blaauw)
%%
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
%%
Even his ignorance is encyclopedic.
	(Stanislaw Lem)
%%
Even if you put a woman on a pedestal, it's still a pedestal.
%%
Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
%%
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
%%
Even though a number of people have tried,
no one has yet found a way to drink for a living.
	(Jean Kerr)
%%
Even very young children should be informed
about dying. Explain the concept of death
very clearly to your child. This will make
threatening him with it much more effective.
	(P. J. O'Rourke)
%%
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
%%
Everybody should believe in something;
I believe I'll have another drink.
	(Mary Steele)
%%
Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in
their writing.
%%
Everything flows.
	(Heraclitus)
%%
Everything is within walking distance, if you have enough time.
	(Steven Wright)
%%
Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
	(Paul Simon)
%%
Everything should be made as simple as possible,
but not one bit simpler.
	(Albert Einstein)
%%
Exhilaration is that feeling you get
just after a great idea hits you, and just before
you realize what's wrong with it.
%%
Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
	(Franklin P. Jones)
%%
Experience is a dear teacher, but fools will learn at no other.
	(Poor Richard's Almanac)
%%
Experience is a good teacher, but the tuition is very, very high.
%%
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
%%
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
%%
Faber's Law: If there isn't a law, there will be.
%%
Face it: food is fattening.
%%
Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
%%
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
%%
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurence of the
improbable.
	(H. L. Mencken)
%%
Famous last words:
	1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
	2) "You and what army?"
	3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop."
%%
Farvour's Law of Programming:
	There is always one more bug.
%%
Fear always springs from ignorance.
%%
Felson's Law:
	To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
	many is research.
%%
Few things are harder to put up with
than the annoyance of a good example.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
File - What you do to your nails when the computer is doing
	all of the work
%%
Filing is concerned with the past;
anything you actually need to see again
has to do with the future.
	(Katharine Whitehorn)
%%
Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
	(Alice Roosevelt Longworth)
%%
Finagle's Law:  The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
%%
Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated
with true virtue.
	(Confucius)
%%
First Law of Canoeing:
No matter which direction you start it's always against the wind coming back.
%%
First Law of Corporate Survival: keep your boss' boss off your boss' back.
%%
First law of laboratory work:
	Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
%%
First say to yourself what you would be;
and then do what you have to do.
	(Epictetus)
%%
First you take a drink, then the drink takes
a drink, then the drink takes you.
	(F. Scott Fitzgerald)
%%
Flee at once, all is discovered.
%%
Follow each decision as closely as possible with its associated action.
%%
For economists, the real world is often a special case.
%%
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
%%
For my purpose holds...
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
	(Alfred, Lord Tennyson)
%%
For the rest of my life, I want to reflect on what a photon is.
	(Albert Einstein)
%%
Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.
	(Confucius)
%%
Forget intentions. (The road to Hell is paved with the good ones, I
wonder what the bad ones are used for?)
    (Jan Wasilewsky)
%%
Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
their destitution of conscience.
%%
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
	(John F. Kennedy)
%%
Format your program to help the reader understand it.
%%
Fortune favors the lucky.
%%
Fourth Law of Thermodymanics:
 If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damn near zero.
	(David Ellis)
%%
Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
	(Charles P. Curtis)
%%
Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
over the other.
	(Balzac)
%%
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul
goes up the on roof and gets stuck.
%%
>From Sharp minds come... pointed heads.
	(Bryan Sparrowhawk)
%%
>From stupidity there is always something to be learned, but
it's always the same thing: don't be stupid.
	(Robert M. Adams)
%%
Frouds Law:
 A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing
 first.
%%
Garbage in, garbage out.
%%
Genius is the talent of a man who is dead.
%%
Get back to work!
%%
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
	(Calvin Keegan)
%%
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs
pounding.
	(Abraham Kaplan)
%%
Give me the right word and the right accent and I will move the world.
	(Joseph Conrad)
%%
Giving advice isn't as risky as people say.
Few ever take it anyway.
	(William Feather)
%%
Go into the street and give on man a lecture on morality, give another man
a dollar, and see who respects you more.
%%
God created man; all the rest is the work of the integers.
%%
God created the integers; all the rest is the work of man.
	(Leopold Kronecker)
%%
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.
%%
God didn't create the world in 7 days.  He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
%%
God ever arithmetizes.
%%
God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Waldenbooks.
%%
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
%%
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, 
and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, 
Thursday, and Saturday.
	(William Bragg)
%%
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
%%
Good but rarely came from good advice.
	(Lord Byron)
%%
Good cooking takes time.  If you are made to wait, it is to serve you better,
and to please you.
	(Menu of Restaurant Antoine, New Orleans)
%%
Good judgment comes from experience.
Experience comes from bad judgment.
	(Jim Horning)
%%
Good things come to those who gain weight
%%
Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?  Call the
convenient toll-free _IRS_Taxpayer_Complaint_Hot_Line_ number,
1-800-AUDITME.
	(Dave Barry)
%%
Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
	(Joseph Alsop)
%%
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition
from mediocre minds.
	(Albert Einstein)
%%
Great things can be reduced to small things,
and small things can be reduced to nothing.
	(Chinese Proverb)
%%
Growing old is no more than a bad habit
which a busy person has no time to form.
	(Andre Maurois)
%%
Gutterson's Laws:
	1) Any programming project that begins well ends badly.
	2) Any programming project that begins badly ends worse.
%%
Hacker's Law:
	The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
	a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
%%
Hackers of the world, unite!
%%
Hafstater's Law:
It always takes longer than you expect,
even when you take Hafstater's law into account.
%%
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
	(Solomon Short)
%%
Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly
thrust into somebody's pocket.
%%
Happiness, n.  An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating
the misery of another.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
Harrison's Postulate:
	For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
%%
Have a good trip! I hope you enjoy your absence more than I will.
	(Ashleigh Brilliant)
%%
Have a very good reason for everything that
you do.
	(Laurence Olivier)
%%
Have fun.
	(Jim Bouton)
%%
Have no fear of perfection--you'll never
reach it.
	(Salvador Dali)
%%
Have no respect whatsoever for authority;
forget who said it and instead look at what
he starts with, where he ends up, and ask
yourself, "Is it reasonable?"
	(Richard Feynman's father)
%%
He has not acquired fortune; fortune has acquired him.
	(Bion)
%%
He hasn't one redeeming vice.
	(Oscar Wilde)
%%
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
%%
He who dies with most toys still dies.
%%
He who drives fat oxen should himself be
fat.
	(Samuel Johnson)
%%
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
%%
He who hesitates is miles away from the next freeway exit.
%%
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
%%
He who invents adages for others to peruse takes
along a rowboat when going on a cruise.
%%
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
%%
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
%%
He who rides a tiger cannot dismount.
%%
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
hands.
%%
He who speak with forked tongue not need chopsticks.
%%
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages shall be known
far and wide as a smartass.
%%
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
	(M. C. Escher)
%%
Health nuts are going to feel real stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.
	(Redd Foxx)
%%
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit,
you would stay out and your dog would go in.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
Heisenberg may have been here, but it is uncertain.
%%
He'll sit here and he'll say, "Do this!  Do that!"  And nothing will happen.
	(Harry S. Truman, on presidential power)
%%
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
%%
Her life was saved by rock and roll.
	(Lou Reed)
%%
Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
%%
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
	(Peter Drucker)
%%
Here at the Phone Company, we serve Kings, Princes, and scum of the earth.
	(Ernestine)
%%
Heredity is what makes parents look at their teenage children and
question each other.
	(Barbara Adams)
%%
Heredity runs in our family.
	(Don Marquis)
%%
He's dead, Jim.
	(Leonard McCoy)
%%
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
%%
History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other.
%%
History does not repeat itself, but it rhymes.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
History is a collection of agreed upon lies.
	(Voltaire)
%%
Hit the ball over the fence, and you can
take your time going around the bases.
	(John Raper)
%%
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at
your side.
	(Han Solo)
%%
Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
	(Peanuts)
%%
Hostility to science is the anti-intellectualism of the semi-intellectual.
	(George F. Will)
%%
How can you be two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
	(Firesign Theater)
%%
"How can you waste beer like that!!  Don't you realize there are sober
 children in Africa!!"
%%
How do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?
%%
How does a project get to be a year late? ... One day at a time.
	(Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month)
%%
How is it possible that mankind will take
advice, when they will not so much as take
warning?
	(Jonathan Swift)
%%
How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
%%
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
%%
How you look depends on where you go.
%%
I ain't met a broad yet that don't understand
a slap across the face or a slug from a 45.
	(Mike Hammer)
%%
I always advise people never to give advice.
	(P. G. Wodehouse)
%%
I always lick the fronts of postage stamps.
%%
I am a computer. I am dumber than any human
and smarter than an administrator.
%%
I belong to no organized political party - I am a Democrat.
	(Will Rogers)
%%
I can call spirits from the vasty deep.
Why so can I, or so can any man; but will they come when you do call for them?
	(Shakespeare, king Henry IV, Part I)
%%
I can find my ears, but I have to look.
%%
I can pet animals by the mouthful.
%%
I can smell my nose hairs.
%%
I can wear my shirts as pants.
%%
I can't find all my marmots.
%%
I can't give you a sure-fire formula for success, but
I can give you a formula for failure: try to please
everybody all the time.
	(Herbert Swope)
%%
I can't unclasp my hands.
%%
I can't understand it; induction always
worked before...
%%
I don't believe in sweeping social change being
manifested by one person, unless he has an atomic
weapon.
	(Howard Chaykin)
%%
I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.
%%
I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation
if He didn't.
	(Jules Renard)
%%
I don't like any of my loved ones.
%%
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell
- you see, I have friends in both places.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
I don't want to be immortal through my works;
I want to be immortal through not dying.
	(Woody Allen)
%%
I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today.
%%
I feel like a 20-year old!  Unfortunately, there aren't any here.
	(Milton Berle, at his 80th birthday party)
%%
I hate it when people call me paranoid;
it makes me feel so persecuted.
%%
I have made mistakes, but I have never made the mistake of claiming I
never made one.
	(James Gordon Bennett)
%%
I have seen the future, and it's pretty much like the present,
only longer.
%%
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
	(Cheech Marin)
%%
I kissed my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the
same day. I have never had time for tobacco since.
	(Arturo Toscanini)
%%
I know engineers.  They love to change things.
	(Dr. McCoy)
%%
I know you believe you understand what
you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize what
you heard is not what I really meant.
%%
I like the future, I'm in it.
%%
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
%%
I line my pockets with hot cheese.
%%
I may not be mulch, but I'm compost.
%%
I never liked room temperature.
%%
I never make exceptions.
An exception disproves the rule.
	(Sir Arthur Conan Doyle)
%%
I often mistake my hands for food.
%%
I once knew a set of identical twins so identical
even they couldn't tell each other apart.
%%
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands,
one nation,
indivisible,
with liberty
and justice for all.
	(Francis Bellamy, 1892)
%%
I program, therefore I am.
%%
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
%%
I searched into myself.
	(Heraclitus)
%%
I think a man ought to get drunk at least
twice a year on principle, so he won't let
himself get snotty about it.
	(Raymond Chandler)
%%
I think it is true for all n. I was just
playing it safe with n>=3 because I couldn't
remember the proof.
	(Anonymous)
%%
I think it would be better for us both if you were to just log out.
%%
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
	(Oscar Wilde)
%%
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
tired of being told that ordinary decent people are fed up in this
country with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly not.  But I'm
sick and tired of being told that I am.
	(Monty Python)
%%
I think we should stop looking for issues to
discuss.  I think we should shut up and get to
work. 
	(Howard Chaykin)
%%
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
%%
I thought I told you to SHUT UP!
	(Reid Fleming, World's Toughest Milkman)
%%
I try to swallow at least three times a day.
%%
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with 
the lost.
%%
I waited and waited, and when no message came, 
I knew it must have been from you.
	(Ashleigh Brilliant)
%%
I walk this way because I have to.
%%
I want to live forever or die in the attempt.
%%
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and
4 people died.
	(Steven Wright)
%%
I will not drink!
But if I do...
I will not get drunk!
But if I do...
I will not get drunk in public!
But if I do...
I will not fall down!
But if I do...
I will fall face down so that they cannot see who I am!
%%
I wish I was a fishy,
I wish I was a bass,
I'd climb up all the rocks and trees
and slide down on my hands and knees.
%%
I wish people who have trouble communicating
would just shut up.
	(Tom Lehrer)
%%
I wish these calculations had been executed by steam.
	(Charles Babbage)
%%
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
%%
I would rather have a free bottle in front of
me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
%%
IBM: You can buy better, but you can't pay more.
%%
IEEE -- what you say when you're taking a hot shower and
someone flushes the toilet.
%%
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
%%
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
%%
I'd rather eat soap than little stones.
%%
I'd rather go to work than sit outside.
%%
I'd rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a 
plane built by the post office.
%%
Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem.
	(John Galsworthy)
%%
Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality the
cost becomes prohibitive.
	(William F. Buckley, Jr.)
%%
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
%%
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
	(Albert Einstein)
%%
If God had meant people to go nude they would have been born that way.
%%
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.
%%
If God had really intended men to fly, He'd have
made it easier to get to the airport.
	(George Winters)
%%
If God had wanted man to fly, He would have given him airline tickets.
%%
If God had wanted you to go around nude,
He would have given you bigger hands.
%%
If God is all-knowing, does he know how it feels to be ignorant?
%%
If God lived on earth, people would break His windows.
	(Yiddish Proverb)
%%
If I follow you home will you keep me?
%%
If a ferret bites you it is nearly always
your own fault.
	(Phil Drabble)
%%
If a man knows where to get good advice, it
is as though he could supply it himself.
	(Goethe)
%%
If a thing is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.
%%
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
%%
If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, it
would probably be a good thing.
%%
If all things turned to smoke, the nose would be the discriminating organ.
	(Heraclitus)
%%
If an animal does something, we call it instinct; if we do the same
thing for the same reason, we call it intelligence.
	(Will Cuppy)
%%
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit.
There's no use being a damn fool about it.
	(W.C. Fields)
%%
If at first you don't succeed, you are running
about average.
	(Anonymous)
%%
If at first you don't succeed, you've failed, failed again!
%%
If computers are so smart, why aren't they rich?
%%
If hyperspace did not already exist, science
fiction writers would have had to invent it.
	(Peter Oakley)
%%
If imprinted foil seal under cap is broken or missing when purchased, do not 
use.
%%
If it weren't for optimists, pessimists
would never know how unhappy they are.
%%
If only God would give me a clear sign!  
Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
	(Woody Allen)
%%
If people don't want to come out to the ball park,
nobody's going to stop them.
	(Yogi Berra)
%%
If someone gives you so-called good advice,
do the opposite; you can be sure it will be
the right thing nine out of ten times.
	(Anselm Feuerbach)
%%
If the human brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be
so simple that we could not.
	(W. A. Clouston)
%%
If the writer is considerate of the reader,
he won't have a problem with ambiguous sentences.
%%
If there is no wind, row.
	(Latin Proverb)
%%
If this computer was a person, how long would it take before
you punched it in the nose?
%%
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair
done in the library?
	(Lily Tomlin)
%%
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
%%
If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution
inevitable.
	(John F. Kennedy)
%%
If you achieve success, you will get
applause. Enjoy it--but never quite believe
it.
	(Robert Montgomery)
%%
If you are out of trouble, watch for danger.
	(Sophocles)
%%
If you are out to describe the truth,
leave elegance to the tailor.
	(Albert Einstein)
%%
If you aren't fired with enthusiasm,
you will be fired with enthusiasm.
	(Vince Lombardi)
%%
If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
	(Celine)
%%
If you ask your mother for one egg for breakfast, and she gives you two,
but you eat them both, who is better at arithmetic: you or your mother?
%%
If you can   see it, and it's	  there, it's REAL.
If you can   see it, and it's not there, it's VIRTUAL.
If you can't see it, and it's	  there, it's TRANSPARENT.
If you can't see it, and it's not there, it's GONE.
%%
If you can dream it, you can do it.
	(Walt Disney)
%%
If you can't answer a man's argument, all is
not lost; you can still call him vile names.
	(Elbert Hubbard)
%%
If you can't find your inspiration by
walking around the block one time, go around
two blocks--but never three.
	(Robert Motherwell)
%%
If you can't win, at least make the person ahead of you break the record.
%%
If you do not get what you like, like what you get.
%%
If you don't do it excellently, don't do it
at all. Because if it's not excellent, it
won't be profitable or fun, and if you're
not in business for fun or profit, what the
hell are you doing there?
	(Robert Townsend)
%%
If you don't expect the unexpected you will not find it, for it is not to be
reached by search or trail.
	(Heraclitus)
%%
If you don't run your own life, somebody else will.
	(John Atkinson)
%%
If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that
you won't have to work.
	(Ogden Nash)
%%
If you don't watch it, you're going to catch something.
%%
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
	(Dean Martin)
%%
If you drink enough wine, it doesn't matter
how bad it is.
	(Anonymous)
%%
If you get hung up on syntax, you'll never make it to semantics.
	(S. M. Ryan)
%%
If you have ice cream, I will give you some.
If you have no ice cream, I will take it away.
It is an ice cream koan.
%%
If you have trouble reading the screen, consider
going to an optho... opthama ... opthoma.. eye doctor.
%%
If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd
buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off,
wouldn't you?
	(Garrison Keillor)
%%
If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
he'll get rich or famous or both.
	(James C. Hagerty)
%%
If you must hold yourself up to your
children as an object lesson, hold yourself
up as a warning and not as an example.
	(George Bernard Shaw)
%%
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he
will not bite you. This is the principal difference between 
a dog and a man.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.
%%
If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
%%
If you scatter thorns, don't go barefoot.
	(Italian Proverb)
%%
If you see a man approaching with the obvious intent
of doing you good, run for your life.
	(Henry David Thoreau)
%%
If you see a snake, just kill it--don't
appoint a committee on snakes.
	(H. Ross Perot)
%%
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
%%
If you tell the truth, you must smile.  Otherwise, people will kill you.
%%
If you think the problem is bad now, wait until we've solved it.
%%
If you treat a sick child like an adult and
a sick adult like a child, everything
usually works out pretty well
.	(Ruth Carlisle)
%%
If you want something done, ask a busy person.
%%
If you want to annoy your neighbors, tell the truth about them.
	(Pietro Aretino)
%%
If you want to be a writer--stop talking
about it and sit down and write.
	(Jackie Collins)
%%
If you want to eat hippopotamus, you've got to pay the freight.
	(some IBM guy)
%%
If you want to get along, go along.
	(Sam Rayburn)
%%
If you want to stay young-looking, pick your
parents very carefully.
	(Dick Clark)
%%
If you would be remembered,
do one thing superbly well.
	(Saunders Norvell)
%%
If your father told you he could determine the sex of a puppy by looking at
the bottoms of its feet, he was lying.
%%
If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun.
	(Ben Franklin)
%%
If you're going to do something tonight that
you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
	(Henny Youngman)
%%
If you're going to make rubbish, be the best
rubbish in it.
	(Richard Burton)
%%
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
%%
If you've seen one Grand Canyon, you've seen them all.
	(a member of the Monkey Wrench Gang)
%%
If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all.
	(Spiro Agnew)
%%
Ignorance is no excuse.
%%
Ignorance is the Mother of Adventure.
%%
Ignorance is the ally of deception.
%%
Ignore alien orders.
%%
Ignore previous cookie.
%%
I'll tell ya how to stay young: Hang around
with older people.
	(Bob Hope)
%%
I'm a clown.  That's my sole mechanism of defense.  Very few people
will go out of their way to punish a clown.
	(Anonymous)
%%
I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work
the more I have of it
	(Thomas Jefferson)
%%
I'm being followed by a pair of boxer shorts.
%%
I'm in no rush to be a mother-in-law, just so long as it's before I'm a grandma.
	(Phyllis Friedl)
%%
I'm not as dumb as you look.
%%
I'm not cynical. Just experienced.
%%
I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.
%%
I'm pink, therefore I'm Spam.
%%
I'm the computer your mother warned you about.
%%
Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism.
%%
Immature artists imitate. Mature artists
steal.
	(Lionel Trilling)
%%
Important Notice: The Anti-Social Group will not meet this week.
%%
In America any boy may become president and
I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.
	(Adlai Stevenson)
%%
In God we trust, all others pay cash.
%%
In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never
did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
%%
In a full belly all the devils dance.
	(Established Monkish Proverb)
%%
In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go
wrong will go wrong.
%%
In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all
possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple
and obvious, highly visible to everyone else.
%%
In dealing with their own problems, faculty members are the
most extreme conservatives.
In dealing with other people's problems, they are the
world's most extreme liberals.
	(Clark Kerr)
%%
In democracy it's your vote that counts;
in feudalism it's your count that votes.
%%
In giving advice seek to help, not to please
your friend.
	(Solon)
%%
In handling a stinging insect, move very slowly.
	(Lazurus Long)
%%
In language, clarity is everything.
	(Confucius)
%%
In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in
matters of taste, swim with the current.  
	(Thomas Jefferson)
%%
In nature there are no rewards or punishments; there are consequences.
%%
In pioneer Utah, Morman girls tended to marry Young.
%%
In the face of entropy and nothingness, you kind of have to pretend it's not
there if you want to keep writing good code.
	(Karl)
%%
In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
%%
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
	(Robert Lucky)
%%
In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true
or becomes true.
	(John Lilly)
%%
In the realm of scientific observation, luck is granted only to those who are
prepared.
	(Louis Pasteur)
%%
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major
categories: those that don't work, those that break down, and those
that get lost.
	(Russell Baker)
%%
Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
%%
Indent your programs consistently.
%%
Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
indigestion.
%%
Instructions: Read them.
%%
Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
%%
"Is this program available for all the machines?"
"Just the VAX, Ma'am."
%%
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no
distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
It does not matter how badly you paint as
long as you don't paint badly like other
people.
	(George Moore)
%%
It does not matter if you fall down
as long as you pick up something from
the floor while you get up.
%%
It has come to our considered attention that in a
large majority of cases, far too many people use a
great deal more words than is absolutely necessary
when engaged in the practice of writing sentences.
%%
It is always a silly thing to give advice,
but to give good advice is absolutely fatal.
	(Oscar Wilde)
%%
It is always good practice to never split infinitives.
%%
It is always the best policy to tell the
truth, unless, of course, you are an
exceptionally good liar.
	(Jerome K. Jerome)
%%
It is better to be a coward for a minute
than dead the rest of your life.
	(Italian Proverb)
%%
It is better to have loafed and lost
than never to have loafed at all.
	(James Thurber)
%%
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
%%
It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
	(James Thurber)
%%
It is better to never have tried anything than to have tried something and
failed.
	(motto of jerks, weenies and losers everywhere)
%%
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool
than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.
%%
It is common sense to take a method and try it.  If it fails, admit it frankly
and try another.  But above all, try something.
	(Franklin D. Roosevelt)
%%
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
	(Alfred Adler)
%%
It is incumbent on one to avoid archaisms.
%%
It is morally wrong to allow a sucker to hold on to his money.
%%
It is more shameful to distrust one's friends than to be
deceived by them.
	(La Rochefoucauld)
%%
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
%%
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
	(Jules Becker)
%%
It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat
somebody.
	(Richard M. Nixon)
%%
It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.
	(Abraham Lincoln)
%%
It is not enough to aim; you must hit.
	(Italian Proverb)
%%
It is not good for man to achieve all they wish.
	(Heraclitus)
%%
It is not possible to step in the same river twice.
	(Heraclitus)
%%
It is not well to be thought of as one who meekly submits to insolence and
intimidation.
%%
It is obvious to even the veriest fool that telling him or her that
something is obvious is not only condescending, but insulting.
%%
It is only possible to live happily ever after
on a day to day basis.
	(Margaret Bonnano)
%%
It is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions.
	(Robert Bly)
%%
It is surely harmful to souls to make it a heresy to believe
what is proved.
	(Galileo Galilei)
%%
It is well to remember, my son, that the entire population of the
universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
	(John Andrew Holmes)
%%
It is what you learn after you know it all that counts.
%%
It is your destiny.
	(Darth Vader)
%%
It isn't what you know that counts, it's what you think of in time.  
%%
It matters little what you believe, so long as you don't
altogether believe it.
	(Bertrand Russell)
%%
It may be those who do most, dream most.
	(Stephen Leacock)
%%
It may soon be time for you to look for a new line of work.
%%
"It means summon's in trouble."
	(Rocky and Bullwinkle)
%%
It requires a very unusual mind to make an analysis of the obvious.
	(Alfred North Whitehead)
%%
It takes money to waste money
	(Jon Benton)
%%
It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been
always thus.
	(Dean Lattimer)
%%
It works better if you plug it in.
%%
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there,
and I'm wearing Milkbone underware.
	(Norm)
%%
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
	(Steven Wright)
%%
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
	(Lazurus Long)
%%
It's easier to stay out than to get out.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.
%%
It's hard to find a good driver these days, one with
character and style.
	(Anonymous)
%%
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by 
turkeys.
%%
It's like deja vu all over again.
	(Yogi Berra)
%%
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
	(Canada Bill Jones)
%%
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
%%
It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are 
such fools.
%%
Its not the size of the ship, it's the size of the waves.
	(Little Richard)
%%
It's not whether you win or lose - it's how you place the blame.
%%
I've always known when to close my eyes.
%%
I've got a good memory for forgetting.
	(Robert Louis Stevenson)
%%
I've lost all sensation in my shirt.
%%
I've told you fifty thousand times, stop exaggerating!
%%
Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.
%%
Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side
down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
%%
Join clauses good like a conjunction should.
%%
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
%%
Jury: A group of twelve men who, having lied to the judge about their
hearing, health, and business engagements, have failed to fool him.
	(H.L. Mencken)
%%
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
	(Southern California Oracle)
%%
Just because something is scientifically
true, doesn't mean it's not weird.
%%
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to 
get you.
%%
Just between you and I case is important.
%%
KODACLONE - duplicating film.
%%
Karl's version of Parkinson's Law:  Work expands to exceed the time allotted it.
%%
Keep changing. When you're through changing, you're through.
	(Bruce Barton)
%%
Keep your eye clear and hit 'em where they
ain't.
	(Wee Willie Keeler)
%%
Ketterling's Law:
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
%%
Kids should practice autographing baseballs.
This is a skill that's often overlooked in
Little League.
	(Tug McGraw)
%%
Kill Ugly Radio
	(Frank Zappa)
%%
Kin: An affliction of the blood
%%
Klienbrunner's Corollaries:
	1) If a programming task looks easy it's tough.
	2) If a programming task looks tough it's damn-well impossible.
%%
Know your lines and don't bump into the
furniture.
	(Spencer Tracy)
%%
Lack of skill dictates economy of style.
	(Joey Ramone)
%%
Last, but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
%%
Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.
%%
Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences:
 If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
%%
Law of Destiny: glory may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
%%
Lawyer, n.  One skilled in the circumvention of the law.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
Lawyers earn their living by the sweat of their browbeating.
	(James Gibbons Hanecker)
%%
Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself.
	(Anonymous)
%%
Lead the audience by the nose to the
thought.
	(Laurence Olivier)
%%
Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
	(Solomon Short)
%%
Learning without thought is labor lost;
thought without learning is perilous.
	(Confucius)
%%
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
%%
Let me play with it first and I'll tell you what it is later.
	(Miles Davis)
%%
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them
the rest of us could not succeed.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die
even the undertaker will be sorry.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
Life as a student of Pascal is eternally blissful.
%%
Life in the state of nature is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.
	(Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan)
%%
Life is a game, the object of which is to discover the object of the
game.
%%
Life is a garment we continuously alter, but which
never seems to fit.
	(David McCord)
%%
Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire
to change his bed.
	(Charles Baudelaire)
%%
Life is a journey, not a destination.
%%
Life is a maze in which we take the wrong turning before we
have learnt to walk.
	(Cyril Connolly)
%%
Life is a meaningless comma in the sentence of time.
	(Chris Garrat & Mick Kidd)
%%
Life is complicated, and not for the timid.
%%
Life is like a jigsaw puzzle but you don't have the picture on the front of the
box to know what it's supposed to look like.  Sometimes, you're not even sure
if you have all the pieces.
%%
Life is like a maze in which you try to avoid the exit.
%%
Life is like a poker game.  You deal or are dealt to.  It includes skill and
luck.  You bet, check, bluff and raise.  You learn from those you play with.  
Sometimes you win with a pair or lose with a full house.  But whatever happens,
it's best to keep on shuffling along.
%%
Life is like a puppy dog always searching for a street full of fire hydrants.
%%
Life is like a room full of open doors which close as you get older.
%%
Life is like an unassembled abacus.  It's what you make of it that counts.
%%
Life is like cooking.  It all depends on what you add and how you mix it. 
Sometimes you follow the recipe and at other times you're creative.
%%
Life is like eating grapefruit.  First you have to break through the
skin; then it takes a couple of bites to get used to the taste, and
just as you begin to enjoy it, it squirts you in the eye.
%%
Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as
one goes on.
	(Samuel Butler)
%%
Life is like riding an elevator.  It has a lot of ups and downs and someone is
always pushing your buttons.  Sometimes you get the shaft, but what really
bothers you are the jerks.
%%
Life is not one thing after another.... it's the same damn thing over and over!
%%
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
%%
Life is what happens while you are making other plans.
	(John Lennon)
%%
Life's a bitch, then you die.
%%
Life's the same, except for the shoes.
	(The Cars)
%%
Like jug, like lid
	(Ingrained Serbian Proverb)
%%
Like winter snow on summer lawn,
time past is time gone.
%%
Likes and dislikes are among my favorites.
%%
Little can be said for Luxembourg.
%%
Live free or die.
%%
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't
fruits and nuts is flakes.
%%
Living with a saint is more grueling than being one.
	(Robert Neville)
%%
Long computations which yield 0 (zero) are probably all for naught.
%%
Long life is in store for you.
%%
Loop - a method of execution no longer in vogue, except in Iran.
%%
Loosen up; the unaimed arrow never misses.
%%
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
	(Robert Frost)
%%
Love is an ocean of emotions entirely
surrounded by expenses.
	(Lord Dewar)
%%
Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight.
%%
Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.
%%
Love means telling you why you're sorry.
%%
Love thy neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood.
	(Louise Beal)
%%
Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.
%%
Lovers of wisdom must be inquirers into very many things indeed.
	(Heraclitus)
%%
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
%%
MICROPROCESSOR - Twenty years of architectural
bungling concentrated onto a single chip.
%%
MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
%%
MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
%%
Machines take me by surprise with great frequency.
	(Alan Turing)
%%
Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
might be taught to talk.
%%
Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they
must be disposed of.
%%
Make sure all variables are initialized before use.
%%
Make sure you hyp-
henate properly.
%%
Make sure your comments and your code agree.
%%
Make three correct guesses consecutively and
you will establish a reputation as an
expert.
	(Laurence J. Peter)
%%
Making predictions is always difficult, especially about the future.
%%
Man created God; all else is the work of integers.
%%
Man created the integers; all else is the work of God.
%%
Man is the highest animal.  Man does the classifying.
%%
Man is the only animal that laughs and
has a state legislature.
	(Samuel Butler)
%%
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
%%
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
%%
Man's reach should exceed his overbite.
%%
Many are called, few are chosen.  Fewer still get to do the choosing.
%%
Many are called, few volunteer.
%%
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
%%
Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the 
wrong direction.
	(Ashleigh Brilliant)
%%
Measure a thousand times and cut once.
	(Turkish Proverb)
%%
Meddle not in the affairs of wizards
for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
%%
MegaHertz - a VERY large car rental company
%%
Memory is the ghost of experience.
	(Anonymous)
%%
Men and nations will act rationally when
all other possibilities have been exhausted.
%%
Men seldom make passes at a girl who surpasses.
	(Franklin P. Jones)
%%
Men's natures are alike; it is their habits that carry them far apart.
%%
Mind your own business, Mr. Spock.  I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
%%
Mind your own business.
	(Cervantes)
%%
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
	(Jean Cocteau)
%%
Mistrust your zeal for doing good to others.
	(Abbe Huvelin)
%%
Modesty is the only sure bait when you angle for praise.
	(Lord Chesterfield)
%%
"Mommy, do all fairy tales beginning with `Once upon a time'?"

"No, dear.  Nowadays, lots of them start with `If I am elected...'."
%%
Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a 
couple of hours.
%%
Money doesn't talk, it swears.
	(Bob Dylan)
%%
Money is a gift everyone in the family can appreciate. The only problem is
you can't charge it.
%%
Money still talks, but it has to catch its breath more often.
%%
Money talks...but all mine keeps saying is "goodbye"
%%
Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it
won't buy the wag of his tail.
	(Josh Billings)
%%
Moral relativism is wrong. But that's only my opinion.
	(George Jones)
%%
More will mean worse.
	(Kingsley Amis)
%%
Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we
like and make up reasons for it afterwards.
	(Soren F. Petersen)
%%
Most people would rather die than think;
in fact, they do so.
	(Bertrand Russell)
%%
Most things are better eaten than forgotten.
%%
Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication to avoid excessive wear.
	(Lazurus Long)
%%
Mungbright's Eighth Law of Programming:
	Not until the program has been released for six months will the most
	harmful error be discovered.
%%
Mungbright's Eleventh Law of Programming:
	The effort required to correct software problems increases
	geometrically with time.
%%
Mungbright's Fifth Law of Programming:
	Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
%%
Mungbright's First Law of Programming:
	Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
%%
Mungbright's Fourth Law of Programming:
	If a program is useless it will have to be documented.
%%
Mungbright's Ninth Law of Programming:
	Machine independent code isn't.
%%
Mungbright's Second Law of Programming:
	Any given program costs more and takes longer.
%%
Mungbright's Seventh Law of Programming:
	Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
	programmer who must maintain it.
%%
Mungbright's Sixth Law of Programming:
	The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight
	of its output.
%%
Mungbright's Tenth Law of Programming:
	Adding man power to a late software project makes it later.
%%
Mungbright's Third Law of Programming:
	If a program is useful it will have to be changed.
%%
Murder is always a mistake.... One should
never do anything that one cannot talk about
after dinner.
	(Oscar Wilde)
%%
Murder is the leading cause of homicide.
%%
Murphy's Eighth Law of Programming:
	User friendly manuals aren't.
%%
Murphy's Eleventh Law of Programming:
	All major bugs in a software project will turn up five minutes
	before it is due.
%%
Murphy's Fifth Law of Programming:
	When a system is designed so that fools can use it, only fools can
	use it.
%%
Murphy's First Law of Programming:
	It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
	ingenious.
%%
Murphy's Fourth Law of Programming:
	Only after a task has proven completely impossible is it time to
	read the reference book.
%%
Murphy's Ninth Law of Programming:
	A fast and efficient time-sharing system isn't.
%%
Murphy's Second Law of Programming:
	If something can go wrong, it will.
%%
Murphy's Seventh Law of Programming:
	There is more than one way to crash a system.
%%
Murphy's Sixth Law of Programming:
	When a program is working perfectly the programmer will not know
	what the heck is going on.
%%
Murphy's Tenth Law of Programming:
	When a computer is most needed it will break down.
%%
Murphy's Third Law of Programming:
	Things get worse under pressure.
%%
Murphy's Twelfth Law of Programming:
	You will always find the bug in the last place you would look, the
	least expected place.
%%
My beaver won't go near the water.
%%
My best friend is a social worker.
%%
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of
the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
	(Steven Wright)
%%
My human experience is just beginning.
%%
My mother is a fish.
	(William Faulkner)
%%
My patio is covered with a killer frost.
%%
"My people are the people of the dessert,"
said T. E. Lawrence, picking up his fork.
%%
My psychiatrist tells me to use mental floss.
%%
My squirrels don't know where I am tonight.
%%
My throat is closer than it seems.
%%
My toes are numbered.
%%
My uncle is as stupid as paste.
%%
Mythology: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
from the true accounts which it invents later.
%%
Natural laws have no pity.
	(Lazurus Long)
%%
Necessity is a Mother -- no invention!
%%
Never allow your child to call you by your
first name. He hasn't known you long enough.
	(Fran Lebowitz)
%%
Never argue with a fool. Others may not be able to tell the difference.
%%
Never change diapers in midstream.
	(Don Marquis)
%%
Never confuse motion for action.
	(Benjamin Franklin)
%%
Never cry over spilt milk. It could've been
whiskey.
	(Pappy Maverick)
%%
Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman.
%%
Never die while doing something stupid. That will be
what people remember about you.
%%
Never eat anything at one sitting that you can't lift.
	(Miss Piggy)
%%
Never, ever use repetitive redundancies over and over again.
%%
Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
	(H. Beecher)
%%
Never get angry. Never make a threat. Reason with people.
	(Don Corleone)
%%
Never get caught acting.
	(Lillian Gish)
%%
Never give advice--it will just backfire on
you.
	(Father Guido Sarducci)
%%
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
	(Erma Bombeck)
%%
Never go to bed mad.
Stay up and fight.
	(Phyllis Diller)
%%
Never hold discussions with the monkey
when the organ grinder is in the room.
	(Winston Churchill)
%%
Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to
others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what
you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.
%%
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
	(Billy Rose)
%%
Never join a religion that has a water slide.
%%
Never judge a day by the weather.
%%
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level,
it's cheaper.
	(Quentin Crisp)
%%
Never learn to do anything: If you don't learn, you'll always find
someone else who'll do it for you.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
%%
Never make forecasts, especially about the future.
	(Samuel Goldwyn)
%%
Never murder a man who is committing suicide.
	(Woodrow Wilson)
%%
Never precede any maneuver with anything more predictive than
"Watch this!"
%%
Never put a semicolon before an else.
%%
Never refuse wine. It is an odd but
universally held opinion that anyone who
doesn't drink must be an alcoholic.
	(P. J. O'Rourke)
%%
Never rely on the glory of the morning
nor the smiles of your mother-in-law.
	(Japanese Proverb)
%%
Never stand begging for that which you have the power to earn.
	(Cervantes)
%%
Never tell a woman that you didn't realize
she was pregnant unless you're certain that
she is.
	(Dave Berry)
%%
Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you.
	(American Proverb)
%%
Never trust a base runner who's limping.
Comes a base hit and you'll think he just
got back from Lourdes.
	(Joe Garagiola)
%%
Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
%%
Never trust the advice of a man in
difficulties.
	(Aesop)
%%
Never try to teach a pig to sing.
You waste your time and it annoys the pig.
%%
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
%%
Never use intuition.
	(Omar Bradley)
%%
Never wear anything that panics the cat
.	(P. J. O'Rourke)
%%
Never work before breakfast; if you have to work
before breakfast, get your breakfast first.
	(Josh Billings)
%%
Never write a letter when you are angry.
	(Chinese Proverb)
%%
New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden
moves around than any other city in the world.
	(David Letterman)
%%
Nice day--if it don't rain.
%%
No books are lost by loaning except those you particularly
wanted to keep.
	(Alan Atwood)
%%
No call alligator long mouth till you pass him.
	(Jamaican Proverb)
%%
No dog will knock over a vase unless it has water in it.
%%
No matter where you stand, the wind blows right at you.
%%
No napkin is sanitary enough for me.
%%
No, no, that wasn't me!
	(Anonymous)
%%
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
%%
No one is ever old enough to know better.
	(Holbrook Jackson)
%%
No one wants advice--only corroboration.
	(John Steinbeck)
%%
No people do so much harm as those who go about doing good.
	(Mandell Creighton)
%%
No pleasure endures unseasoned by variety.
	(Publilius Syrus)
%%
No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyers interprets the
truth.
	(Jean Giradoux)
%%
No rain -- no rainbows.
%%
No user-serviceable parts inside.  Refer to qualified service personnel.
%%
No wonder I feel so tired--I'm older now than I've ever been before.
	(Ashleigh Brilliant)
%%
Nobody can give you advice wiser than
yourself.
	(Cicero)
%%
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
organization.
%%
None love the bearer of bad news.
	(Sophocles)
%%
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
	(Woody Allen)
%%
Nothing in progression can rest on its original plan.  We may as well think of
rocking a grown man in the cradle of an infant.  
	(Edmund Burke)
%%
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
%%
Nothing is done until nothing is done.
%%
Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult
than to understand him.
	(Fyodor Dostoevski)
%%
Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs.
	(Henry Ford)
%%
Nothing would please the Kremlin more than to have the
people of this country choose a second-rate president.
	(Richard M. Nixon)
%%
Now is yesterday's tomorrow.
	(Contemporary Californian Proverb)
%%
Nuke the gay whales.
%%
Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.
%%
Often, it is fatal to live too long.
	(Racine)
%%
Old fishermen never die; they just smell that way.
%%
Old people know more about being young
than young people about being old.
%%
Old people like to give good advice to
console themselves for no longer being able
to provide bad examples.
	(La Rochfoucauld)
%%
On our campus the UNIX system has proved to be not only an effective software
tool, but an agent of technical and social change within the University.
	(John Lions (U. of Toronto (?)))
%%
On the heights it is warmer than one thinks in the valleys.
%%
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them
is to use a larger can.
	(Conrad Schneiker)
%%
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
a rivalry of aim.  
	(Henry Brook Adams)
%%
One incompetent manager can negate the
work of dozens of excellent engineers.
%%
One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
	(Gustave Droz)
%%
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
%%
One man's error is another man's data.
%%
One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it.
%%
One picture is worth a thousand reels of magnetic tape.
%%
One should always play fairly when one has
the winning cards.
	(Oscar Wilde)
%%
One similarity between word processors and food processors:
Put baloney in, and what comes out is only different-looking baloney.
%%
One trivial mistake in syntax can cause
hundreds of embarrassing error messages.
%%
One who is cowless must be his own dog.
	(Archaic Irish Proverb)
%%
Only by avoiding the beginning of things can we escape their end.
	(Cyril Connolly)
%%
Only painters and lawyers can change white to black.
%%
Only the brave deserve the fair, but only rich,
fat, cowardly merchants can afford same.
	(Chinese Proverb)
%%
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
	(Jean Giradoux)
%%
Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.
%%
Onward, through the fog.
%%
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
%%
Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
	(F. Scott Fitzgerald)
%%
Originality is the art of concealing your source.
	(Franklin P. Jones)
%%
Our little systems have their day.
	(Alfred, Lord Tennyson)
%%
Out of intense complexities, intense simplicities emerge.
%%
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it is too
dark to read.
%%
Painting is easy when you don't know how,
but very difficult when you do.
	(Edgar Degas)
%%
Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you.
%%
Parkinson's Law:  Work expands to fill the time allotted it.
%%
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all
other countries because you were born in it.
	(George Bernard Shaw)
%%
Paul's Law:
	In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
	save.
%%
Pay no attention to whatever advice you
receive.
	(Edward Gorey)
%%
Peace: In international affairs, a period of
cheating between two periods of fighting.
%%
Pennington's Observation:
	The probability that a given program will perform to expectations is
	inversely proportional to the programmer's confidence in his ability to
	do the job.
%%
People always get what they ask for;
the only trouble is that they never know,
until they get it, what it actually is that they
have asked for.
	(Aldous Huxley)
%%
People are only heroes when they can't do anything else.
	(Paul Claudel)
%%
People don't change; they only become more so.
	(John Bright-Holmes)
%%
People have one thing in common: they are all different.
	(Robert Zend)
%%
People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other
people have been left out on the pleasure.
	(Russell Baker)
%%
People tell me one thing one day and out the other.
%%
People tell me when I'm deaf.
%%
People who have the power to make things happen don't do the things
that people do, so they don't know what needs to happen.
	(Russell Baker)
%%
People who live in gasoline houses shouldn't throw matches.
%%
People who live in normal houses shouldn't throw anti-matter.
%%
Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.
%%
Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse.
	(C. N. Parkinson)
%%
Perform a functional iterative analysis on your
work to root out third generation transitional
buzz words.
%%
Perhaps the world's second worst crime is boredom.
The first is being a bore.
	(Cecil Beaton)
%%
Persistence in one opinion has never been considered a merit
in political leaders.
	(Cicero)
%%
Personally I am always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
	(Sir Winston Churchill)
%%
Physical concepts are free creations of the human mind, and are
not, however it may seem, uniquely determined by the external world.
	(Albert Einstein)
%%
Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences,
as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
%%
Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.
	(Lazurus Long)
%%
Plan ahead - it wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
%%
Platitudes are the Sundays of stupidity.
%%
Play well, or play badly, but play truly.
	(Stanislavsky)
%%
Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the
truth.
	(Ashleigh Brilliant)
%%
Poets are born, not paid.
	(Wilson Mizner)
%%
Politics are usually the executive expression of human
immaturity.
	(Vera Brittain)
%%
Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been
the systematic organizations of hatreds.
	(Henry Adams)
%%
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
%%
Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
	(Henry Adams)
%%
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
%%
Pray to God and say the lines.
	(Bette Davis)
%%
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
	(Russian Proverb)
%%
Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
	(Niels Bohr)
%%
Principle of Conservation of Ignorance:
A false notion once arrived at is not easily dislodged.
	(Georg Cantor)
%%
Print partial results to trace the execution of a program and find errors.
%%
Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
%%
Problems are the price of progress.
%%
Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
%%
Proofread your work. Do not tolerate mispellings!
%%
Prudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
It's on the other side.
%%
Public office is the last refuge of the incompetent.
	(Boies Penrose)
%%
Pudding without raisins is no pudding at all.
%%
Punctuality is one of the cardinal business
virtues: always insist on it in your
subordinates.
	(Dan Marquis)
%%
Punctuality is the thief of time.
	(Oscar Wilde)
%%
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
	(Marvin Kitman)
%%
Q.  What's the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc?
A.  Noah's Ark was made of wood; Joan of Arc was Maid of Orleans.
%%
Q: How do you make a small fortune in Texas oil?
A: Start with a big one.
%%
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four.  One to change the bulb and three to share the experience.
%%
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two.  One to change the bulb and one to mix the drinks.
%%
Q: How many censors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: [deleted]
%%
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem.
%%
Q: How many programmers does it take to wall-paper a room?
A: Twelve, but you have to slice them thinly.
%%
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a really long time and the light bulb has to want
   to change.
%%
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored
   power tools.
%%
Q: "What causes a bus error?"
A: "Well, it can happen when the driver has a heart attack."
%%
Q. What do elephants and giraffes have in common?
A. They both have long necks, except for the elephants.
%%
Q: What do you call poisoned coffee?   
A: Grounds for divorce.
%%
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and an atheist?
A: Someone who knocks on your door for no reason whatsoever.
%%
Q: What is small and yellow and very dangerous?
A: A canary with the super-user password.
%%
Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?
A: Is there a dog?
%%
Q: What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car
   salesman?
A: The user-car salesman knows when he's lying.
%%
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
%%
Q: Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
%%
QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm.
%%
QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
%%
Quantity is no substitute for quality,
but it's the only one we've got.
%%
Quit now, you'll never make it. If you
ignore this advice, you'll be halfway there.
	(David Zucker)
%%
Random stomping seldom catches bugs.
%%
Real Time - Here and Now, as opposed to Fake time which occurs there and then.
%%
Real wealth can only increase.
	(R. Buckminster Fuller)
%%
Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
%%
Refusing to live in the real world will substantially reduce
the portability of your code.
	(Henry Spencer)
%%
Religions change; beer and wine remain.
	(Hervey Allen)
%%
Remember: You're still moving ahead even if you're falling flat on your
face.
%%
Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room,
be sure that you're the one holding it
	(Captain Combat)
%%
Remember that as a teenager you are in the
last stage of your life when you will be
happy to hear that the phone is for you.
	(Fran Lebowitz)
%%
Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
	(Frank Zappa)
%%
Remember to never split an infinitive.
%%
Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.
%%
Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with
a tempest of words.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
Ross' Law: Never characterize the importance of a statement in
advance.
%%
Round numbers are always false.
	(Samuel Johnson)
%%
Rule of failure: If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.
%%
Run to daylight.
	(Vince Lombardi)
%%
SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
%%
SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
(Ha ha, just kidding.)
%%
Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proven innocent.
	(George Orwell)
%%
Satire = Tragedy + Time
%%
Save all the parts.
%%
Say not, when I have leisure I will study; you may not have the leisure.
	(The Mishnah)
%%
Scientists will study your brain to learn more about your distant cousin, Man.
%%
Scornful dogs eat dirty puddings.
	(Musty English Proverb)
%%
Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
%%
Sea water is the purest and most polluted: for fish it is drinkable and
life-giving; for men, not drinkable and destructive.
	(Heraclitus)
%%
Secretary's rule of meetings: The time taken up by a meeting will
always be at least 5 times the time needed by the secretary to do 
the job.
%%
Security is mostly a superstition.  It does not
exist in nature... Life is either a daring
adventure or nothing.
	(Helen Keller)
%%
Seize opportunity by the beard, for it is bald behind.
	(Bulgarian Proverb)
%%
Self-esteem, n.	 An erroneous appraisement.
	(Ambrose Bierce)
%%
Sentences should be written in the active voice
when giving instructions, so that the subject of
the action can be identified clearly.
%%
Separatists, Unite!
%%
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
	(Joseph Fischer)
%%
Shake and shake
The catsup bottle,
None will come,
And then a lot'll.
	(Richard Armour)
%%
Show me a guy who's afraid to look bad, and
I'll show you a guy you can beat every time.
	(Lou Brock)
%%
Silver's law:   If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
%%
Sin has many tools, but a lie is
the handle which fits them all.
%%
Single tasking: Just Say No.
%%
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
	(Lazurus Long)
%%
Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
%%
Some people are always grumbling that roses have thorns. I am thankful
that thorns have roses.
	(Alphonse Kerr)
%%
Some people hope to achieve immortality through their works or their children.
I would prefer to achieve it by not dying.
	(Woody Allen)
%%
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
%%
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
	(Sigmund Freud)
%%
Sometimes the poorest man leaves
his children the richest inheritance.
%%
Sometimes the problem isn't the high cost of living,
but the cost of high living.
%%
Sometimes, too long is too long.
	(Joe Crowe)
%%
Son, you have to guard against speaking more
clearly than you think.
	(Howard Baker's father)
%%
Sorry, this Cookie broken!
%%
Speak softly and wear a loud shirt.
%%
Speak your mind; you have nothing to lose.
%%
Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds
triple the desired restraining speed.
%%
Stability itself is nothing more than a more sluggish motion.
	(Montaigne)
%%
Stay busy, get plenty of exercise, and don't
drink too much. Then again, don't drink too
little.
	(Henry "Jackrabbit" Smith-Johannsen)
%%
Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old.
	(Pink Floyd)
%%
Steinbach's guideline for system testing:
	Never test for an error condition
	you don't know how to handle.
%%
Study the past, if you would divine the future.
%%
Sturgeon's Law:  Ninety percent of everything is crud.
%%
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think,
and getting out of the way before it is understood.
%%
Successful and fortunate crime is called virtue.
	(Seneca)
%%
Support Mental Health. Or I'll kill you.
%%
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
men in national government too.
	(Richard M. Nixon)
%%
Swing at the strikes.
	(Yogi Berra)
%%
System down; try again later....

(Sorry, just kidding around.)
%%
System going down in five minutes...

(Sorry, just kidding around.)
%%
TOMORROW HAS BEEN CANCELED, DUE TO AN ERROR NOTED ELSEWHERE.
%%
TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.
%%
Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
	(Jean Cocteau)
%%
Take a dog for a companion and a stick in
your hand.
	(English Proverb)
%%
Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
%%
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
	(Ken Kesey)
%%
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
%%
Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much.
	(John Wayne)
%%
Teach children to be polite and courteous in
the home, and, when they grow up, they will
never be able to edge their car onto a
freeway.
	(Anon. fortune)
%%
Television is more interesting than people. If it were not,
we should have people standing in the corners of our rooms.
	(Alan Coren)
%%
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe
you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it
to be sure.
%%
Tell the truth: there is less to remember.
%%
Thank god for water. If there was no water we couldn't learn how to
swim, and then we'd all drown.
%%
Thank you for giving me the pleasure of giving pleasure to you.
	(Ashleigh Brilliant)
%%
That's the thing about people who think they hate computers.  What they
really hate is lousy programmers.
	(Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty")
%%
That's the trouble with directors--always biting the hand that lays the
golden egg.
	(Samuel Goldwyn)
%%
The CS Sage says:  Seek new employment prior to the imposition of performance
penalties on your project.
%%
The 'Oo-Ah' Bird is so called because it lays square eggs.
%%
The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
%%
The Swartzberg Test:
 The validity of a science is its ability to predict.
%%
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
%%
The Universe is expanding, but that won't help you find a parking place.
%%
The adverb always follows the verb.
%%
The advice of their elders to young men is
very apt to be as unreal as a list of the
hundred best books.
	(Oliver Wendell Holmes)
%%
The art of giving advice is to make the
recipient believe he thought of it himself.
	(Frank Tyger)
%%
The artist who aims for perfection in
everything achieves it in nothing.
	(Eugene Delacroix)
%%
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
%%
The author should gaze at Noah, and ... learn, as they did in the Ark, to crowd
a great deal of matter into a very small compass.
	(Sydney, Smith, Edinburgh Review)
%%
The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
	(Nelson Algren)
%%
The best index to a person's character is a) how he
treats people who can't do him any good and b) how
he treats people who can't fight back.
	(Abigail Van Buren)
%%
The best part of the fiction in many novels is the notice that the
characters are purely imaginary.
	(Franklin P. Adams)
%%
The best simple-minded test of expertise in a particular area is the
ability to win money in a series of bets on future occurrences in that area.
	(Graham Allison)
%%
The best things in life aren't things.
%%
The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself
without one.
%%
The best way to catch a knuckleball is to
wait until the ball stops rolling and then
pick it up.
	(Bob Uecker)
%%
The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a
baby brother--and they'll settle for a puppy
every time.
	(Winston Pendleton)
%%
The best way to give advice to your children
is to find out what the want and then advise
them to do it.
	(Harry S Truman)
%%
The best way to sound like you know what
you're talking about is to know what you're
talking about.
	(Scott Simon)
%%
The brain is a wonderful instrument;
it starts working the moment you get up
and doesn't stop until you get to work.
%%
The cat who doesn't act finicky soon loses
control of his owner.
	(Morris the Cat)
%%
The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
one in a million, but once would be enough.
%%
The chicken probably came before the egg because
it is hard to imagine God wanting to sit on an egg.
%%
The child who cuts the piece of candy in half doesn't get first choice of
the two halves.
%%
The choice of a system of numeration is a mere matter of convention.
	(Blaise Pascal)
%%
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he/she
fills out a job application form.
%%
The clothes have no emperor.
	(C. A. Hoare, about Ada.)
%%
The college lecture is the process whereby the
notes of the professor become the notes of
the student without passing through the minds of either.
%%
The computer can't tell you the emotional story.  It can give you the exact
mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.
	(Frank Zappa)
%%
The computer loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life.
%%
The decision doesn't have to be logical, it is unanimous.
%%
The defacto use of foreign phrases vis-a-vis plain
English in your written tete-a-tetes makes the
sentence harder to understand.
%%
The denunciation of the young is a necessary
part of the hygiene of older people and
greatly assists the circulation of the
blood.
	(Logan Pearsall Smith)
%%
The dictum that truth always triumphs over persecution is one of those
pleasant falsehoods which men repeat after one another till they pass
into commonplace, but which all experience refutes.
	(John Stuart Mill)
%%
The difference between capitalism and socialism is that in capitalism,
man exploits man, while in socialism it's the other way around.
	(Polish Proverb)
%%
The difference between genius and stupidity is that
stupidity has its limits.
%%
The difference between philosophy and theology: if you have an argument
over philosophy, you get red in the face. Over theology you throw
bombs.
%%
The dumplings in a dream are not dumplings, but dreams.
%%
The early worm gets the bird.
%%
The elephant is never won with anger.
	(Earl of Rochester)
%%
The emperor has no clothes.
%%
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
	(Buckminster Fuller)
%%
The entire world
is a very narrow carrot.
But the farmer
is not afraid at all.
%%
The facts are unimportant!
It's what they are perceived to be
that determines the course of events.
%%
The fancy is indeed no other than a mode of memory emancipated from the order
of space and time.  
	(Samuel Taylor Coleridge)
%%
The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.
	(Roger Levian)
%%
The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
	(Maurice Chapelain)
%%
The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time.  The last 10% of a project
takes 90% of the time.
%%
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
of your eyes.
%%
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
and the second half by our children.
	(Clarence Darrow)
%%
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
	(Paul Erlich)
%%
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that
the volume knob also turns to the left.
	(Anonymous)
%%
The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
	(Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month)
%%
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
	(Alan Coult)
%%
The following is not for the weak of heart or
Fundamentalists.
	(Dave Barry)
%%
The fourth law of thermodynamics:
The perversity of the universe tends towards a maximum.
%%
The function of the expert is not to be more right
than other people, but to be wrong for more sophisticated
reasons.
	(David Butler)
%%
The future belongs to him who knows how to wait.
	(Russian Proverb)
%%
The future isn't what it used to be.
	(Paul Valry)
%%
The game is supposed to be fun. If you have
a bad day, don't worry about it. You can't
expect to get a hit every game.
	(Yogi Berra)
%%
The game of life is a game of boomerangs.  Our
thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or
later with astounding accuracy.
	(Anonymous)
%%
The gods play games with men as balls.
	(Titus Maccius Platus)
%%
The good Lord never gives you more than you can handle.
Unless you die of something.
	(Guindon)
%%
The government that robs Peter to pay Paul
can always depend on the support of Paul.
	(George Bernard Shaw)
%%
The greatest masterpiece in literature is only a dictionary
out of order.
	(Jean Cocteau)
%%
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and
loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole
lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
The important thing in acting is to be able
to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think
of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I think
of my sex life.
	(Glenda Jackson)
%%
The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous,
the sensible man hardly anything.
	(Goethe)
%%
The joy of music should never be interrupted by a commercial.
	(Leonard Bernstein)
%%
The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away.
%%
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
	(Blaise Pascal)
%%
The life of a repo man is always intense.
%%
The main thing is the play itself.  I swear that greed for money has nothing
to do with it, although heaven knows I am sorely in need of money.
	(Feodor Dostoyevsky)
%%
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought
of someone he can blame it on.
%%
The man who does not read good books has
no advantage over the man who can't read.
%%
The man who raises his voice first has lost the argument.
%%
The mark of a true M.B.A. is that he is often wrong but seldom
in doubt.
%%
The meek are contesting the will.
%%
The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.
%%
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
	(J. Paul Getty)
%%
The men the American people admire most extravagantly are the most
daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try
to tell them the truth.
	(H.L. Mencken)
%%
The message of history is clear:
the past lies before us.
	(Anonymous)
%%
The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
	(Tenessee Williams)
%%
The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
%%
The most important thing in acting is
honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it
made.
	(George Burns)
%%
The most incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible.
	(Albert Einstein)
%%
The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind to
correlate all its contents.
	(H. P. Lovecraft)
%%
The next system crash is just a 1/60 of a second away.
%%
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
%%
The old order changeth, yielding place to new.
	(Alfred Lord Tennyson)
%%
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
%%
The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
	(Joe Ancis)
%%
The only thing that stops God sending a second Flood is
that the first was useless.
	(Nicolas Chamfort)
%%
The only thing to do with good advice is to
pass it on. It is never of any use to
oneself.
	(Oscar Wilde)
%%
The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go
beyond them into the impossible.
	(Arthur C. Clarke)
%%
The only way to learn a new programming language is by writing programs in it.
	(Brian Kernighan)
%%
The opera ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.
	(Dick Motta)
%%
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a
profound truth may well be another profound truth.
	(Niels Bohr)
%%
The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds;
and the pessimist fears this is true.
	(James Branch Cabell)
%%
The other line always moves faster.
%%
The palest ink is better than the best memory.
	(Chinese Proverb)
%%
The passive voice should never be used.
%%
The people may be made to follow a path of action, but they may
not be made to understand it.
	(Confucius)
%%
The person who can smile when something goes wrong has
obviously thought of someone to blame it on.
%%
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by
those who have not got it.
	(George Bernard Shaw)
%%
The power to destroy a planet is insignificant when compared to the power of
the Force.
	(Darth Vader)
%%
The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
knowledge of its ugly side.  
	(James Baldwin)
%%
The primary purpose of a xylophone is to satisfy the need to put something
on every page of an ABC book.
%%
The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to
the stupidity of your action.
%%
The probability of the bread falling jelly-side down is
directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
%%
The proper punctuation for any sentence that begins
"It's none of my business, but--" is to place a period after
the word "but."
	(Lazurus Long)
%%
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -
but that's the way to bet.
	(Damon Runyon)
%%
The real menace in dealing with a
five-year-old is that in no time at all you
begin to sound like a five-year-old.
	(Jean Kerr)
%%
The road to to success is always under construction.
%%
The saddest moment in a person's life comes only once.
	(Brendan Francis)
%%
The school of hard knocks is an accelerated curriculum.
	(Menander)
%%
The secret of dealing successfully with a
child is not to be its parent.
	(Mell Lazarus)
%%
The secret of making one's self tiresome is not to know when to stop.
	(Voltaire)
%%
The secret of managing is to keep the guys
who hate you away from the guys who are
undecided.
	(Casey Stengel)
%%
The secret of staying young is to live
honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your
age.
	(Lucille Ball)
%%
The smothering of verbs is a cause of the weakening of the sentence impact.
%%
The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.
	(Ed Bluestone)
%%
The superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions.
	(Confucius)
%%
The telescope makes the world smaller,
the microscope makes the world larger.
	(G. K. Chesterton)
%%
The territory behind rhetoric is too often mined with equivocation.
%%
The things you can't laugh at control you
%%
The time is always right to do what is right.
	(Martin Luther King, Jr.)
%%
The time is right to make new friends.
%%
The time to stop talking is when the other person
nods his head affirmatively and says nothing.
	(Henry Haskins)
%%
The tragic lesson of guilty men walking free in this country
has not been lost on the criminal community.
	(Richard M. Nixon)
%%
The trick is growing up without growing old.
	(Casey Stengel)
%%
The trouble with experience as a teacher is that the test comes first
and the lesson afterward.
%%
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
And vice versa.
	(Lazurus Long)
%%
The two hardest things to handle in life are failure and success.
%%
The two most common things in the universe are
hydrogen and stupidity.
	(Anonymous)
%%
The universe is laughing behind your back.
%%
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty
uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down
payment on a house.
	(Woody Allen)
%%
The unnatural, that too is natural.
	(Goethe)
%%
The value of marriage is not that adults produce
children, but that children produce adults.
	(Peter De Vries)
%%
The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.
%%
The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute
live ones.
	(Nathaniel Howe)
%%
The way to make a small fortune in the stock market
is to start with a large fortune.
%%
The way up and the way down are one and the same.
	(Heraclitus)
%%
The weather for catching fish is that weather, and no other, in which
fish are caught.
	(W. H. Blake)
%%
The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
	(Wavy Gravy)
%%
The wise learn more from the fools than the fools learn from the wise.
%%
The wonderful thing about standards is
that there are so many to choose from.
%%
The world is coming to an end.  Save your files.
%%
The world is coming to an end in 15 minutes.
Please logout.
%%
The world is no nursery.
	(Sigmund Freud)
%%
The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls.
	(Father Robert F. Capon)
%%
The world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
	(Sean O'Casey)
%%
The worst waste of breath, next to playing a
saxophone, is advising a son.
	(Kin Hubbard)
%%
The years of peak mental activity are surely between age four and
18.  At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the
answers.
%%
There are 3 kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
%%
There are no bugs, only unrecognized features.
%%
There are no saints, only unrecognized villains.
%%
There are not enough jails, not enough policemen, not enough courts to
enforce a law not supported by the people.
	(Hubert H. Humphrey)
%%
There are some politicians who, if their constituents were cannibals,
would promise them missionaries for dinner.
	(H.L. Mencken)
%%
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
	(Benjamin Disraeli)
%%
There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
%%
There are two birds in the tree of life. One eats. The other watches.
%%
There are two kinds of egotists: 
1) Those who admit it  
2) The rest of us
	(Anonymous)
%%
There are two kinds of lawyers, those that
know the law and those that know the judge.
%%
There are two kinds of people in the world:
Those who can only see half of the picture.
%%
There are two kinds of worries--those you
can do something about and those you can't.
Don't spend any time on the latter.
	(Duke Ellington)
%%
There are two theories on hitting the
knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither of them
works.
	(Charlie Lau)
%%
There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
attracted to dark objects.
%%
There are two types of people: those who divide people into
two types, and those who don't.
	(Robert Benchley)
%%
There are two ways of constructing a software design.  One way is to make
it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to
make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
	(Charles Anthony Richard Hoare)
%%
There are two ways of meeting difficulties: you alter the difficulties, or
you alter your meeting them.
	(Phyllis Bottome)
%%
There are two ways to get rich: You can make more or require less.
%%
There await men after they are dead things which they do not expect or
imagine.
	(Heraclitus)
%%
There is a time in the tides of men,
Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
On the other hand, don't count on it.
	(T. K. Lawson)
%%
There is always one moment when the door opens and lets the future in.
%%
There is always some water where the heifer drowns.
	(Antiquated Brazilian Proverb)
%%
There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
%%
There is no bad beer: some kinds are better
than others.
	(German Proverb)
%%
There is no glory in outstripping donkeys.
	(Martial)
%%
There is no job so simple that is cannot be done wrong.
%%
There is no other way of guarding oneself against flattery than
by letting men understand that they will not offend you by speaking
the truth; but when everyone can tell you the truth, you lose their
respect.
	(Machiavelli)
%%
There is no psychiatrist in the world
like a puppy licking your face.
%%
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who doesn't object to it.
	(George Bernard Shaw)
%%
There is no stronger bond of friendship than a mutual enemy.
	(Frankfort Moore)
%%
There is not any memory with less satisfaction than the memory
of some temptation we resisted.
	(James Branch Cabell)
%%
There is nothing in this world constant but inconstancy.
	(Swift)
%%
There is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt.
	(Bill Gray)
%%
There is nothing wrong with teenagers which reasoning with them
won't aggravate.
%%
There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
	(Salvador Dali)
%%
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry would never quite scan.
When told this was so,
He said: Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can
%%
There will always be survivors.
	(Robert Heinlein)
%%
There you go man,
Keep as cool as you can.
It riles them to believe that you perceive the web they weave.
Keep on being free!
%%
There's a bug somewhere in your code.
%%
There's no such thing as a non-working mother.
%%
There's no thief like a bad book.
	(Italian Proverb)
%%
There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.
%%
There's nothing wrong with most people
that reasoning with them won't make worse.
%%
There's only one thing for me.
%%
They do not understand how that which differs with itself is in agreement:
harmony consists of opposing tension, like that of the lyre and the bow.
	(Heraclitus)
%%
They laughed at Einstein.
They laughed at the Wright brothers.
But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
	(Carl Sagan)
%%
They say you can't do it, but sometimes that isn't always true.
	(Casey Stengel)
%%
Things are always at their best in the beginning.
	(Pascal)
%%
Things are more like they are today
than they have ever been before.
%%
Things are not as simple as they seems at first.
	(Edward Thorp)
%%
Things could be worse.
%%
Think before you think!
	(Stanislaw Lem)
%%
Think of ease, but work on.
	(English Proverb)
%%
Thinking means connecting things, and stops
if they cannot be connected.
	(G. K. Chesterton)
%%
This Cookie is inoperative.  Please try another.
%%
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session
as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
	(Will Rogers)
%%
This is a test.
Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you
would not have been informed.
%%
This message does not exist when you are not looking at it.
%%
This place is a hotbed of inertia.
%%
Thoreau's Law:
 If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good,
 you should run for your life.
%%
Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to 
those of us who do.
%%
Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
Those who can't write go to the State Department.
%%
Those who can, do.
Those who can't, teach.
Those who can't teach, administrate.
%%
Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it.
	(George Santayana)
%%
Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves.
	(Abraham Lincoln)
%%
Those whom computers must destroy, they first drive mad.
%%
Those whom the gods wish to destroy, they first call promising.
	(Cyril Connolly)
%%
Three things it is best to avoid: a strange dog,
a flood, and a man who thinks he is wise.
	(Welsh Proverb)
%%
Throw high risers at the chin; throw peas at
the knees; throw it here when they're
lookin' there; throw it there when they're
lookin' here.
	(Satchel Paige)
%%
Throw strikes. Home plate don't move
.	(Satchel Paige)
%%
Thufir's a Harkonnen now.
%%
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
	(Lazurus Long)
%%
Time flies even when you're screwing around.
%%
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
%%
Time is a child playing draughts: the kingship is in the hands of the child.
	(Heraclitus)
%%
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
	(Berlioz)
%%
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
	(Graffiti)
%%
Time is money, money can't buy you love, I love your outfit.
%%
Time is the devourer of all things.
%%
Time is the gravedigger of happiness.
	(Venerable Italian Proverb)
%%
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
	(Frank Lloyd Wright)
%%
To be is to do.
	(Camus)
To do is to be.
	(Sartre)
Do be do be do
	(Sinatra)
%%
To be, or what?
	(Sylvester Stallone)
%%
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it
the target.
	(Ashleigh Brilliant)
%%
To beat the grass is to risk startling the snake.
%%
To criticize the incompetent is easy;
it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
%%
To downgrade the human mind is bad theology.
	(C. K. Chesterton)
%%
To err is human. To forgive is unusual.
%%
To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but not its programmer.
	(Morris Kingston)
%%
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
%%
To follow foolish precedents, and wink
With both our eyes, is easier than to think.
	(William Cowper)
%%
To know the world one must construct it.
	(Cesare Pavese)
%%
To live outside the law, you must be honest.
	(Bob Dylan)
%%
To lose one parent...may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose
both looks like carelessness.
	(Oscar Wilde)
%%
To one with a hammer everything is a nail.
%%
To program anything that is programmable is obsession.
%%
To program is to be.
%%
To some lawyers, all facts are created equal.
	(Felix Frankfurter)
%%
To the systems programmers, the customers
and users serve only as a test load.
%%
To think is human, to compute, divine.
%%
To those who are awake, there is one ordered universe common to all, whereas
in sleep each man turns away from this world to one of his own.
	(Heraclitus)
%%
Toil to make yourself remarkable by some talent or other.
	(Seneca)
%%
Too many evil deeds ruin the doer.
%%
Toothaches tend to start on Saturday night.
%%
Toto kansasoseum non est cognito.
%%
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond;
cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
Treason doth never prosper: what's the reason?
For if it prosper, none dare call it treason.
	(Sir John Harington)
%%
Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be SHOT AGAIN!
%%
Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be prosecuted.
%%
Trifles make perfection, but perfection itself is no trifle.
%%
Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
%%
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
	(Finlay Peter Dunne)
%%
Trust your instincts. If you have no
instincts, trust your impulses.
	(Noel Coward)
%%
Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.
%%
Turn off the computer and go to bed.
%%
Umbrella Law: You will need three umbrellas: one to leave at home, one to
leave at the office, and one to leave on the bus.
%%
Uncertain fortune is thoroughly mastered by the equity of the calculation.
	(Blaise Pascal)
%%
Uncompensated overtime?  Just Say No.
%%
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance
under which you can be booked.
	(Robert D. Sprecht (Rand Corp))
%%
Under current law, it is a crime for a private citizen to lie to
a government official, but not for the government official to
lie to the people.
	(Donald M. Fraser)
%%
Unhappiness is best defined as the difference between our
talents and our expectations.
	(Edward De Bono)
%%
Uninvited guests are usually welcome after they've left
	(William Shakespeare)
%%
University: A modern school where football is taught.
%%
Unix is the worst operating system, except for all the others.
%%
Unless one is a genius, it is best to aim at being intelligible.
	(Anthony Hope)
%%
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
%%
Use named constants instead of magic numbers buried in your program.
%%
Use spaces between the items in a statement to make it more readable.
%%
Use your weaknesses; aspire to the strength.
	(Laurence Olivier)
%%
Usually, terrible things that are done with the excuse that progress
requires them are not really progress at all, but just terrible things.
	(Russell Baker)
%%
Vanity is quite often the greatest enemy of competence.
%%
Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
%%
Violet will be a good color for hair at just
about the same time that brunette becomes a
good color for flowers.
	(Fran Lebowitz)
%%
WARNING--This system is now being controlled by IBM.
%%
Wait until it is night before saying that it has been a fine day.
	(French Proverb)
%%
Walk in, plant yourself, look the other
fellow in the eye, and tell the truth.
	(James Cagney)
%%
Walls impede my progress.
%%
Watch out for irregular verbs which have cropped into the language.
%%
Water taken in moderation cannot hurt
anybody.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
	(Dwight D. Eisenhower)
%%
We are tomorrow's past.
	(Mary Webb)
%%
We are what we pretend to be.
	(Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.)
%%
We ask advice, but we mean approbation.
	(Charles Caleb Colton)
%%
We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish.
	(John Culkin)
%%
We have been left so much to our own devices - after
a while one welcomes the uncertainty of being left to
other people's.
	(Tom Stoppard)
%%
We have more useless information than ignorance of what is useful
%%
We have them just where they want us.
	(J. T. Kirk)
%%
We haven't the time to take our time.
	(Eugene Ionesco)
%%
We may give advice, but we cannot give
conduct.
	(Benjamin Franklin)
%%
We may give advice, but we cannot inspire
conduct.
	(La Rochefoucauld)
%%
We must be prudent and live on our incomes, even if we have to borrow to
do it.
%%
We must select the illusion which appeals to our temperment
and embrace it with passion, if we want to be happy.
	(Cyril Connolly)
%%
We never sent a messenger save with the language of his folk,
that he might make the message clear for them.
	(The Koran)
%%
We ought never to do wrong when people are looking.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken 
out and shot.
%%
We stand today at a crossroads:  One path leads to despair and utter
hopelessness.  The other leads to total extinction.  Let us hope we have the
wisdom to make the right choice.
	(Woody Allen)
%%
We'd all like to vote for the best man,
but he's never a candidate.
%%
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to
do it himself(or doesn't know any better).
%%
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
%%
We're here to give you a computer, not a religion.
	(Bob Pariseau)
%%
Were there fewer fools, knaves would starve.
	(Anonymous)
%%
What can a pigeon do that a west Texas oil man can't do any more?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a new Mercedes.
%%
What could have happened, did.
	(Dreamer Tatum)
%%
What do you call that little bag golfers carry their tees in?
%%
What do you want to talk about?
I can talk about anything, I've been to college.
%%
What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
%%
What is called a sincere work is one that
is endowed with enough strength to give
reality to an illusion.
	(Max Jacob)
%%
What is vice today may be virtue tomorrow.
%%
What is virtue today may be vice tomorrow.
%%
What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual
error.
	(Raymond Aron)
%%
What the hell, put all your eggs in one basket.
%%
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.
	(Edward Langley)
%%
What to do in case of emergency:
	1. Pick up your hat.
	2. Grab your coat.
	3. Leave your worries at the doorstep.
	4. Direct your feet to the sunny side of the street.
%%
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
	(Benjamin Disraeli)
%%
What we do not understand we do not possess.
	(Goethe)
%%
What you do not use yourself, do not give to
others. For example: advice.
	(Sri Chinmoy)
%%
What you look like does not matter - beauty is internal.
%%
Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it isn't
cockroaches.
	(Mom)
%%
Whatever your advice, make it brief.
	(Horace)
%%
What's good for Ugoose is good for Uganda.
%%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
%%
What's the point of having someone who can walk on water when you
can't walk in his footsteps?
%%
When I first started working, I used to dream of the day when
I might be earning the salary I'm starving on now.
%%
When I left you, I was but the pupil.  Now, I am the master.
	(Darth Vader)
%%
When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know
have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
it on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
	(Al Capone)
%%
When a fellow says it hain't the money but
the principle o' the thing, it's th' money.
%%
When a man comes to me for advice, I find
the kind of advice he wants, and I give it
to him.
	(Josh Billings)
%%
When anger rises, think of the consequences.
	(Confucius)
%%
When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one,
an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.
	(Edmund Burke)
%%
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried
before.
	(Mae West)
%%
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one 
I've never tried before.
%%
When everything has been seen to work, all integrated, you have four more months
of work to do.
	(C. Portman of ICL Ltd.)
%%
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
	(Goethe)
%%
When in doubt, book 'em.
	(Steve McGarrett)
%%
When in doubt, don't bother.
%%
When in doubt, gallop.
%%
When in doubt, ignore it.
%%
When in doubt, mumble.
When in trouble, delegate.
When in charge, ponder.
	(James Boren)
%%
When in doubt, walk fast and look worried.
%%
When in doubt, wear red.
	(Bill Blass)
%%
When it comes to helping you some people stop at nothing.
%%
When large numbers of men are unable to find work, unemployment results.
	(Calvin Coolidge)
%%
When men willingly suspend fear, science flourishes.
	(Anonymous)
%%
When one is writing, it is important to maintain your point of view.
%%
When turkeys mate, they think of swans.
	(Johnny Carson)
%%
When we ask advice, we are usually looking
for an accomplice.
	(Marquis de Lagrange)
%%
When you are in it up to your nose keep your mouth shut.
	(Henry Fonda)
%%
When you get older you have to be careful
about always saying, "Things aren't as good
as they used to be." But it's hard not to.
	(Andy Rooney)
%%
When you have a number of disagreeable duties to perform,
always do the most disagreeable first.
	(Josiah Quincy)
%%
When you have given nothing, ask for nothing.
	(Albanian Proverb)
%%
When you have only two pennies left in the world,
buy a loaf of bread with one, and a lily with the other.
	(Chinese Proverb)
%%
When you heat with wood, you get warm twice: the first time when you
chop it, and then again when you stack it.
%%
When you see a situation you cannot understand, look for the financial
interest.
%%
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
	(Mark Twain)
%%
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
	(Henry Kaiser)
%%
Whenever people agree with me, I always think I must be wrong.
	(Oscar Wilde)
%%
Where there is uphill there is downhill.
	(Moth-eaten Tibetan Proverb)
%%
Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
%%
Whoever wishes to devote himself to painting
should begin by cutting out his own tongue.
	(Henri Matisse)
%%
Who's on first? Yes.
%%
Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.
	(Book of Proverbs)
%%
Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be 
impossible?
%%
Why do they have a rear window defroster on the Yugo?
So your hands stay warm while you're pushing it.
%%
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
horses?
	(G. Gordon Liddy)
%%
Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
%%
Will Rodgers never met Howard Cosell.
%%
Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of
listening when you'd have preferred to talk.
	(Doug Larson)
%%
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
	(Samuel Palmer)
%%
Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
by leaving it out.
%%
Wit is educated insolence.
	(Aristotle)
%%
Woe is the isolationist who tries to turn the cogs of his own engine
while ignoring the machinations about him.
%%
Women - you can't live with 'em, and you can't shoot 'em.
	(Steven Wright)
%%
Woodard's Law:  You can have it right, or you can have it now.
But you can't have it right now.
%%
Words must be weighed, not counted.
	(Polish Proverb)
%%
Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
%%
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
%%
XMODEM - A spot-marking transfer protocol.
%%
YTERM - A terminal program for queries.
%%
Yea, from the table of my memory
I'll wipe away all fond trivial records.
	(Shakespeare)
%%
Yes, many primitive people still believe this myth...But in today's technical 
vastness of the future, we can guess that surely things were much different.
	(The Firesign Theater)
%%
Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.
%%
You always find something the last place you look.
%%
You are under the mistaken impression that all people are
created interesting.
%%
You attempt things that you do not even plan
because of your extreme stupidity.
%%
You can bring any calculator you like to the exam, 
as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
	(Anonymous)
%%
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
	(Al Capone)
%%
You can fool all of the people some of the
time, and some of the people all of the
time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
%%
You can fool all the people all the time if
the advertising is right and the budget is
big enough.
	(Joseph E. Levine)
%%
You can get anywhere in ten minutes if you go fast enough.
%%
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a 
kind word.
%%
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
	(Lazarus Long)
%%
You can have anything you want. 
You just can't have everything you want.
	(John-Roger)
%%
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to
float on his back you've got something.
%%
You can lead a yak to water but you can't teach an old
dog to make a silk purse out of a pig in a poke.
	(Opus)
%%
You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
%%
You can't escape
the long arm of education!
%%
You can't help getting older, but you don't
have to get old.
	(George Burns)
%%
You can't steal second base while keeping one foot on first.
%%
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
%%
You can't turn back the clock. But you can
wind it up again.
	(Bonnie Prudden)
%%
You can't turn back the clock.	But you can wind it up again.
	(Phyllis Bottome)
%%
You gotta lose 'em sometime. When you do,
lose 'em right.
	(Casey Stengel)
%%
You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear 
them.
%%
You have been selected for a secret mission.
%%
You have no idea what a poor opinion I have of myself--and how little I
deserve it.
	(W. S. Gilbert)
%%
You have taken yourself too seriously. Knock it off.
%%
You have to regard everything I say with suspicion - 
I may be trying to bullshit you,
or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently.
	(Anonymous)
%%
You know that feeling when you're leaning back on a stool and it starts to tip 
over?  Well, that's how I feel all the time.
	(Steven Wright)
%%
You may be disappointed if you fail,
but you are doomed if you don't try.
	(Beverly Sills)
%%
You may call me by my name, Wirth, or by my value, Worth.
	(Nicklaus Wirth)
%%
You might as well fall flat on your face
as to lean over too far backwards.
	(James Thurber)
%%
You must grow like a tree, not like a mushroom.
	(Janet Erskine Stewart)
%%
You must have an alibi to show why you lost.
If you haven't one, you must fake one. Your
self-confidence must be maintained.
	(Christy Mathewson)
%%
You must learn to sleep faster.
%%
You must lose a fly to catch a trout.
	(George Herbert)
%%
You never need a semicolon before an 'end'.
%%
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
%%
You should be aware of the conditional case if you was to use it.
%%
You should emulate your heroes, but don't carry it too far.
Especially if they're dead.
%%
You shouldn't try to teach a pig to sing.
You waste your time and it annoys the pig.
%%
You will be recognized soon. Hide.
%%
You will be successful in your work.
%%
You will see the light at the end of the tunnel; unfortunately, it will be
the light of an oncoming freight train.
%%
You will soon meet a tall dark handsome stranger.
%%
You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough to worry.
%%
You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.
%%
Young men think old men are fools;
but old men know young men are fools.
	(George Chapman)
%%
Your boss is thinking about you.
%%
Your computer account is overdrawn.  Please reauthorize.
%%
Your good nature will bring you unbounded happiness.
%%
Your mind understands what you have been taught;
your heart, what is true.
%%
Your own mileage may vary.
%%
Your project will be late.
%%
Your situation is as precarious as piled eggs.
%%
You're concerned about abuse of computer data bases?
This isn't going to look good on your record...
%%
You're not getting older, you're getting bitter
%%
Youth is wasted on the young.
	(George Bernard Shaw)
%%
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
%%
Zepplemier's Corollary:
	The last four pages of a critical listing will be lost.
%%
Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:
	Nobody notices when things go right.
%%
algorithm -- a syncopated drum beat developed by that famous rocker,
Wilbur Algo.
%%
baud rate -- the speed at which you can move your bod.
%%
bus topology -- the scientific study of bus stops.
%%
coax cable -- to work with a partner as you chop down a power
line.
%%
core error - bus dumped
%%
diagnostic -- what you say to an agnostic you really dislike.
%%
drop cable -- what I'm tempted to do when I get my bill for
HBO.
%%
dumb terminal -- a fatal case of stupidity.
%%
/earth is 98% full.  Please delete anybody you can.
%%
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
%%
mean time between failures -- when you get an "F" on your
report card and you take it out on your dog.
%%
!retupmoc siht edisni deppart m'I  !pleH
%%