Mermaid things from quetzal@yoyo. %% Donate your shoe collection to Imelda Marcos. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Practise wearing a dress or skirt rather than jeans. It'll be far more comfortable in the end. Give up on conventional underwear. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Drink like a fish. Try to get legless. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% If you dye your hair, don't use water-soluble dyes. It is hell trying to get the colour out of your eyebrows. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Drive a car with an automatic transmission. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Talk to fish. Sooner or later, they will talk back. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Stand (or sit if you are more advanced) on the shore and sing at passing ships. Score a point for each one that runs aground. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% See a psychiatrist about your hydrophobia. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Try to appreciate sex with your knees tied together. (This may be slightly more challenging if you are female.) - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Discover that you *can* eat seaweed. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Act like a cartoon character. Most of your companions will be. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Don't become a concert pianist. They use the soft pedal as *well* as the damper. Be thankful you never liked organs, because you don't stand a chance. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Come to terms with the fact that mermen seem to be few and far between. (Well, how many have *you* seen?) - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Learn that sharks aren't just there to be eaten. Some of them are getting the hang of this newfangled role-reversal stuff. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Stop worrying about your varicose veins. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Hang around with dolphins, carrying a large pair of scissors in case you meet a tuna fishing boat that hasn't learnt about driftnets being illegal. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Buy your chiropodist a farewell present. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Go water skiing, but keep the other ski as a spare. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Find a matching pair of shells that feel comfortable. This is harder than it seems, especially if the shells are still occupied. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Sabotage Sea World shows, chanting slogans about "Tail Rights". Explain the concept of striking to the dolphins. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Forget about the problem of ingrowing toenails. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Write to your local council complaining about the lack of mermaid ramps on public buildings. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Trade in your Harley-Davidson for a motor scooter. That way you won't have to make a choice about whether you get to change gears, or use the brakes. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Learn to be wary of Japanese and Norwegians carrying spears. Anything that's warm-blooded and swims is fair game to them. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Try, just once, to do the lotus position. You'll never get the opportunity again. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Throw away that vibrator device that is supposed to take fat off your thighs. Admit it, the thing never worked, did it? - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Accuse fun-run organisers of discrimination. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Never fret about losing a single sock in the wash again. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% If you like riding horses, consider going back to the traditional side-saddle mode. You will fall off far less. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Throw out your Walkman. Face it, you only ever used the thing when you went jogging, didn't you? - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Confuse a public servant by asking exactly what they mean by "height" on that long form. Ask them why they think "green" isn't a valid answer for the "complexion" question. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Develop a close, personal hatred for chlorine. It's bad enough having to drink it; imagine having to *live* in it. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Don't settle for anything less than a Seiko Sports 100. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Don't trust seagulls to explain anything. It's a *fork*, and don't forget it. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Throw away that useless lump of pumice that never could remove the slightest bit of dead skin from the tiniest bunion. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Experiment with new ways to visit the toilet. Whatever you're doing now, it's not going to work. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Give up on aerobics. Aside from the problem of how to wear the leotards, or just how you plan to do star jumps, there's not going to be a lot of air where you're going to be. Experiment with hydrobics instead. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Join the Anti-Football League. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Don't worry about ladders in your stockings. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Sell your mountain-side chalet. You never used it much anyway. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Stay well clear of Bondi Beach. Surfboards can *hurt*, not to mention the presence of that smelly pipeline coming from the mainland. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Tear out all but the first thirty or so pages of _The Joy of Sex_. Believe me, all those advanced positions are just not going to be possible. - Forty-two things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Forget about the question of just who wears the trousers in your household. - More things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Go in a sack race. It'll be good practice. - More things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Tell all your friends to get swimming pools in case you want to visit. - More things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Buy a goldfish bowl and fill it up. Stick your head in it for practice. The goldfish are optional. - More things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Ask your cosmetics company if they have any make-up that is waterproof and not tested on laboratory fish. - More things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% Make a small scene outside a seafood restaurant. Accuse them of sauteeing your best friend. Glare at everyone who comes out. - More things to do as preparation for life as a mermaid. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You routinely find yourself buying (male or female) exactly one less item of bathing apparel than you have previously. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You can't figure which is turning you on more: the dolphin or the trainer. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . Cats start following you around even when you *aren't* carrying groceries. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You find yourself checking for sharks whenever you stir outdoors. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You look at a statue of Justice and get disappointed that the scales aren't what and where you wanted them to be. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . Someone tells you they're having flounder for dinner and you ask when he'll be arriving. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You catch yourself balancing a beach ball on the end of your nose. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You realize you've been rooting for the wrong side in _Creature from the Black Lagoon_. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You horribly misinterpret the TV cop's statement that he plans to "tail" a suspect. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . Everybody's talking about "fin de siecle" and you keep looking for the fin. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You keep crashing into the wall at the swimming pool and won't go near the diving boards. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You keep noticing how big and how sharp "Shamu, the Friendly Killer Whale"'s teeth actually are. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You finish the last page of Moby Dick with a big smile on your face. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You shudder every time you walk past a sushi bar. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You always sleep *face down* (think about it!). %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You flinch at the sight of Calamari. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . The lobsters all cluster on your side when you're walking past their tank. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You keep thinking of ways to buy and sink a houseboat. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You're so upset about assorted slaughters that you stomp on Japanese beetles and set traps for Norway rats. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . People have asked you on several occasions what *is*, in fact, the Best Tuna. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You reply each time with expletives. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . Your parents on numerous occasions have discussed charging you rent for the bath tub. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You own eighteen volumes of _Peter Pan_ because they have pictures by eighteen different illustrators. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You know what a "Jenny Hanover" is. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . It always takes you a second when someone says that they hear a siren. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You remember Rod Serling strictly for narrating "The Undersea World of Jacques Cousteau." %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You think Octopi are cute. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You won't go anywhere near a "Detail Shop." %% You know you should be swimming when . . . The lifeguard is getting tired of always having to tell you to come up for air. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You find yourself keeping score in _Jaws_. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . _Little Nemo in Slumberland_ was a big disappointment. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You want to grab a Disney animator by the lapels and lecture him about how to draw a caudal fin. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You own an entire set of the Mermaid Drama Series and you've never read a single play. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . Low ceilings bother you considerably less than high floors. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You've made discrete inquiries about "Species Change" surgery. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . At home, you close all the drapes, take off your clothes and don a pair of swim fins. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . To you, "the local bar scene" refers to those dratted obstructions in and around the harbor. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You have memorized two Tennyson poems by heart, and I don't have to tell you which two. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . The most depressing Hans Christian Anderson story *isn't* "The Little Match Girl." %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You have a favorite brand of fish food. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You go out of your way to repeat experiences that make your head swim. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You've made it this far in the list. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You peer around for a red-headed girl when people mention an aerial. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You argue vehemently that the word "Marina" has nothing to do with boats. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You call for the chef and explain to him that this flat fish here looks nothing like flounder. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You can't look at a girl without wondering what her tail would look like. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You shout, "Change *him*, change *him*!" at Triton near the end of _The Little Mermaid_. %% You know you should be swimming when . . . You call "tails" even when you know the coin being tossed is one of those two-headed trick coins. %% Head over flukes. - Cliches for merfolk %% To get your fins wet. - Cliches for merfolk %% To get a tail-up. - Cliches for merfolk %% To get cold fins. - Cliches for merfolk %% To keep someone on their fins. - Cliches for merfolk %% Tail-biters. - Cliches for merfolk %% To nail someone's fins to the floor. - Cliches for merfolk %% To have two left fins. - Cliches for merfolk %% A three-tailed race. - Cliches for merfolk %% To put your fin in your mouth. - Cliches for merfolk %% To swim all over someone. - Cliches for merfolk %% Break a tail. (A common show business idiom.) - Cliches for merfolk %% Swimming scared. - Cliches for merfolk %% To swim a red light. - Cliches for merfolk %% To stub your fin. - Cliches for merfolk %% To tip-fin. - Cliches for merfolk %% To stick your fin in something. - Cliches for merfolk %% To swim circles around the opposition. - Cliches for merfolk %% To have the swims. (A temporary disorder of the digestory tract.) - Cliches for merfolk %% To put your best fin forward. - Cliches for merfolk %%