Quotes from Kibo %% THIS IS YOUR BRAIN. ___ /(()\ \__\| THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON THE INTERNET. ___ +-----+ /(()\ | VAX | \__\|===+_____+ -- Kibo, signature %% ____ / \__ |\ / @ \ \ \_______| \ .:|> "Dogs aren't ALLOWED? WAAAAAAH!" \ ##| | \__/ | ####\__/ \ -- Spot / / ## \| / /__________\ \ L_JJ \__JJ -- Kibo, signature %% S C R A T C H A N D S N I F F to enjoy the aromatic aroma of beautiful downtown schenectady !!!! -- Kibo, signature %% Kibology is better! -- Kibo, signature %% Anything I say is my opinion, and is the opposite of Xibo's. -- Kibo, signature %% "All colors are arbitrary." --Carl Sagan %% Bozos use anything but emacs! -- Kibo, signature %% Wacky, wild, Kibo style! -- Kibo, signature %% You're allowed. (Unless you don't want to be... you are also allowed to not be allowed.) -- Kibo, signature %% I never said I wasn't a bozo. -- Kibo, signature %% Life is silly but should be taken seriously. TV is evil and should be destroyed. Really. -- Kibo, signature %% Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb. -- Kibo, signature %% Klods * for klods * Note: "Klods for Klods" is the motto of Lego(tm) blocks in Lego's native Denmark, where they speak Danish. It means "Block by block". Neat, huh???? -- Kibo, signature %% Moisten needle before inserting Taiwan. -- Kibo, signature %% You're reading my .signature file. -- Kibo, signature %% COMMODORE 64S RULE THE WORLD !!!!!!!!! -- Kibo, signature %% "I'm Bozo, the world's most famous clown!" -- the world's most famous clown %% I've read all of Kurt Vonnegut Junior's books and my favorite is "Breakfast Of Champions", my second favorite is "Chariots Of The Gods". I love them all. My other favorite author is Philip K. Dick who wrote "Do Androids Dream Of Sheep?", "Clams Of The Alphane Moon", "OBIK", "Man In The Castle", and "Total Recall"! Oh, and Stephen King is absolutely the best too! And Derrida! -- Kibo, signature %% If it doesn't say PURINA, bury it in the yard! -- Kibo, signature %% Bart Simpson and Charlie Brown are both GIRLS! -- Kibo, signature %% BYTE ME! -- Kibo, signature %% _____________________________________________________________________________D || _______________________________________________________________________ ||I || || || ||S || ||------> I'M NOT BIFF !!!!!! HE'S NOT ME !!!!!!! <------|| ||C ++-++-------------------------------------------------------------------++-+|L || ||------> BIFF IS TOO OBNOXIOUS TO BE ME !!!!!!!! <------|| ||A || ||------> ALSO HIS .SIGNATURE IS LONGER !!!!!!!!! <------|| ||I || ||___________________________________________________________________|| ||M ||_________________________________________________________________________||E _____________________________________________________________________________R -- Kibo, signature %% "BOZE NOSE BOOKS!" -- Bozo, The World's Most Famous Clown -- Kibo, signature %% QUAIL SUCKS -- Kibo, signature %% Orwell was an optimist. -- Kibo, signature %% "There is infinite hope, but not for us." - Kafka %% Join the Kibo Fan Club! Send lots of money to the address above, RIGHT NOW! %% All generalizations stink. -- Kibo, signature %% Kibology is *NOT* Satanism! -- Kibo, signature %% Ollie for prez -- Kibo, signature %% DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY! / What's fahefergnugen? / QUAIL STILL SUCKS! ! ! -- Kibo, signature %% "The secret word is... SIL! Now you all know what to do whenever anybody says the secret word, right? SCREAM REAL LOUD!" -- Pee Wee Herman -- Kibo, signature %% If I said anything to offend anyone in this message, I'm sorry and didn't mean to hurt your feelings. -- Kibo, signature %% I hope you're enjoying reading this posting... -- Kibo, signature %% "Losing our marbles for the last 23 years" I'm gonna be 24 soon! My birthday is July 13, send presents! The day before Bastille Day! -- Kibo, signature %% If Lambada is the forbidden dance, why did they make a movie about it? -- Kibo, signature %% You are here X -- Kibo, signature %% Garrison Keillor is my hero / (rec.humor.funny) -- Kibo, signature %% "Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!" -- STAR TREK %% "SIL!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -- Kibo, signature %% There's a mouse in my apartment right now while I'm typing this. Isn't that an incredible coincidence! Have you ever been using this bboard while a mouse was in your room. Now I have.........? -- Kibo, signature %% Anyone who thinks anyone else should be shot should be shot; the NRA is a bunch of bozos just like the Democrats AND Republicans AND Williard Scott. Kill the Fascists and Communists and all the other nuts too. Kill 'em all! -- Kibo, signature %% "I'm Batman!" -- BATMAN THE MOVIE (THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD!!!!) -- Kibo, signature %% This space intentionally left blank. %% Elvis lives. -- Kibo, signature %% "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay..." --MONTY PYTHON %% Hug me -- Kibo, signature %% Did I spell anything wrong? If so, please tell me so I can post a correction. -- Kibo, signature %% My favorite PostScript font is Chicago! Times Roman is just a cheap ripoff of the real New York. And you don't even have to be in Chicago to use Chicago! I printed my whole resume in 36pt Chicago Bold Shadow! -- Kibo, signature %% "Beauty and the Beast" may be cancelled, but it lives on forever in our hearts and minds and hearts! It will live forever even though it's dead! -- Kibo, signature %% Can I have a cookie? -- Kibo, signature %% The Kibology Center is a non-non-profit arm of the National Association for Kibological Awareness(NAKA). -- Kibo, signature %% I'M 100% FLAMEPROOF -- Kibo, signature %% Harry Graber, age 11, is dying of a fatal disease which will eventually kill him. Before he dies, he would like to be in the "Guinness" Book of "Records" for receiving the most postcards in the mail. Please send him lots of postcards at the below address: Kibo, PO Box 722, Boston MA 02116-0722 (USA) Although he is very ill and only barely clinging to life, he gets thousands of postcards a day from people like you. He writes back, personally, to each and every single one. Amazingly, everyone who writes to Harry recieves a year of good luck afterwards! Mrs. Bertha Briggs of Poughkeepsie, NY recently wrote to Harry and then won the lottery the very next day--AND her dog was cured of cancer! Plus, if you write now, Harry will send you his miracle POSTCARD DIET which will allow you to lose 100 pounds a week! THIS IS NOT A SCAM! This service is FREE! Please enclose $14.95 for postage and handling. -- Kibo, signature %% HANDY "TWIN PEEKS" CHART [murder]<-->[LAURA]<--/-->[Bob]<--["Bob"] | ^ | ^ This is fun to read even if you haven't v v v | seen the series. I like my chart, and [David [That FBI guy] ["J.R."] I've never seen the show! Lynch] ^ ^ / | | v [donuts] [Bobby in [the log lady]<->[flouridation]-->["Eraserheads"] = the shower] ^ ^ [sex] | | | /->[Monty Python's Flying Circles] v [bag [lumber- /->[Ted Bundy] ladies] jacks]<--["RoboJox"]<->[VW]<->[FOX]-->[Al&Peg Bundy] ^ | ^ \->[Children] | v | [the dog-faced boy]-->[Laura's<-/->[the Simpsons]<--[Life in Hell]<--[UseNet] evil twin] | v And remember, the name of the show is a breast metaphor. [alt.tv.twin.peeks] ^ ^ | ^ / | v | [Mike Douglas]=[Douglas firs]-->[breasts] [drumsticks] [rmgroups] /->[logs] | \______________________________________/ ^ v | [Albert]<--/-->[furry white rats]-->[green rats]-->[traffic [the log lady] ^ lights] (here too!) | [walk with fire me]---> ^ ^ [Layland]<-->[Pinky Lee] | | [Herve Villachaise]<--[tattoos] ["Bob"] -- Kibo, signature %% My favroite sci-fi/fantasy short story is "The Eye of Argon" by L. Ron Hubbard! -- Kibo, signature %% VOTE NIXON IN 1992 -- Kibo, signature %% The SubGenius must wear slacks! -- Kibo, signature %% Best Skeleton Joke Ever: "What do you call fish bones?" "Skele-tuna!" :-) -- Kibo, signature %% I spell things the way I want, since William Safire is too wimpy to stop me! -- Kibo, signature %% "The medium is the message!" -- Marshall Mike Luhan %% I'm a lumberjack... -- Kibo, signature %% I know the Green Golfball Joke! I'd post it here but BitNet doesn't allow R-rated jokes to be posted here so I won't post it! That's a violation of your unconstitutional rights and you should complain to your sysop! -- Kibo, signature %% MY TETRIS HIGH SCORE ON MY NINTENDO IS 999,990 -- THAT'S A WORLD RECORD! I HAVE PHOTOS OF THE TV SCREEN TO PROVE IT! THEY DIDN'T COME OUT THOUGH. -- Kibo, signature %% \\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\\\\\\\\\ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\ AMIGA ONLY! \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\\\\\\\\\ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\\\\\\\\\ ___ \\\\\\\\\\ /. .\ \\\\\\\\\\ |\_/| \\\\\\\\\\ \___/ \\\\\\\\\\ /####\ /######\ ### /##### /######\ \\\\\\\\\\ ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ## ## \\\\\\\\\\ ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ### ## ## \\\\\\\\\\ ////////###### ## ## ## ### ## ### ######## \\\\\\\\\\ //////// ## ## ## ## ## ### \##### ## ## \\\\\\\\\\ //////// \\\\\\\\\\ //////// /##### ### ### #####\ ### ### \\\\\\\\\//////// ## ## ## ## ## ## ## GRAFIX \\\\\\\//////// ## ### ## ## ######\ ## ## \\\\\//////// ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## WIZARD \\\//////// \##### \#######/ ## ## \#####/ -- Kibo, signature %% _______________ | __ _ ____ / \ |\/\/\/| r | |\\ | | \ / ,__\ AIR SUPPLY | "Have a cow, |__ | @ @ | a | ||\\ | |_/ \ | _ _ | | man!" / | ' | d | || \\ | | \ \\ | | |\ |\ | \ / \_______________/ | \___/ i | ||__\\ \ \\ | | |/ |/ | | | | c d | ||___\\ \ \\ \_/ | | |__ | a u | || \\ \\__// | | | as seen on BART l d | \__/ FOX! SIMPSON e | THE MOST AWESOME HEAVY METAL BAND !!! _____________________________________|_______________________________________ -- Kibo, signature %% # # #### # # # ##### ###### # # # ,, # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ##### # #\__/# # # ##### # # # # # # # # # # #### #### # # ###### ## # # #### # # ###### #### ## # # # # # oo # # # # # # ## # # # # # # # # ##### # # ## ###### # # #\__/# # ## # # # # ## # # # # # # ## ## # # # # # ###### ###### #### # # ###### #### ## HAVE A NICE DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- Kibo, signature %% PLEASE POST YOUR REPLIES TO THIS BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY NET ADDRESS IS! ALSO PLEASE CROSS-POST TO LOTS OF GROUPS SINCE IT MIGHT NOT BE A GROUP I READ! -- Kibo, signature %% []---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[] This blank region of empty space is a hollow void that adds lines to the length of this .signature's physical size. []---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[] -- Kibo, signature %% ***** ___ ___ _________ * / \ / \ | _______ | * | V | | | * * | | HELP ME NAME MY * \ / | |_____| | APPLE SE/30 WITH * \ / | === | 40MB MEGABYTE DRIVE * \ / |_________| ***** v ||||||||| -- Kibo, signature %% :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- Aren't these cute? :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- I was the one who :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- invented them. -- Kibo, signature %% |\ ---*-- | \ -""" \__| \ / : Qld : TAS \ / :........ \ ' SA : AA :.......*| x = Schenectady NY USA \ : * :NSW / \* :/""""""\`..x */ ----' VIC\ *`./ """" \"""/ NT\*/ -- Kibo, signature %% Dan Quayle is Howdy Doody! (And Susan Sontag is the Bride of Frankenstein!) -- Kibo, signature %% +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | S T O P C A S T I N G P O R O S I T Y | +____________________________________________________________________________+ -- Kibo, signature %% I've been to Cheers(TM) in downtown Boston and I have a T-Shirt that says Cheers(TM) and the official Cheers(TM) Plastic Souvenir Shopping Bag! Hey, is Ted Danson really as bald as they say? He couldn't be, his hair's fluffy, and wigs can't be fluffy! William Shatner wears a toupee though, I bet you didn't know that! I hope I never go bald. I'd lose my sex appeal. -- Kibo, signature %% Fats Loves Madelyn. -- Kibo, signature %% Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." -- Kibo, signature %% "We're like gerbils. We're in a cage running around and around." -- Tom Brokaw %% "OH WHAT A ZINGER!!!" -- CHRIS ELIOT GET A LIFE -- Kibo, signature %% "Married With Children" is the best TV show ever! Ted is the greatest! -- Kibo, signature %% Fly KLM! Did you hear that PeeWee Herman was arrested for masterbating? Really! -- Kibo, signature %% Dana Hersey is Willie Whistle in addition to hosting The Movie Loft (channel 6) -- Kibo, signature %% Read alt.exploding.kibo, the group about exploding kibo! -- Kibo, signature %% NO FATE KNOW FUTURE NO DOGS ALLOWED POOR SPOT -- Kibo, signature %% I put microwave coffee in the Tater Twister and almost went back in time! -- Steven Wright (Emerson alumnus) %% "NOT!" -- WAYNE'S WORLD %% "If I had MY OWN NETWORK, it would be on ALL the TIME. It would be EDUCATIONAL, like COSMOS and NOVA, but not so DRY. It would best be seen on HIGH-definition TELEVISION. And every DAY we'd READ from the BOOK of CHER, because when you READ from the BOOK of CHER, it doesn't MATTER if you UNDERSTAND... it's the ACT that MATTERS. MY network would be METAphysical, paraNORMAL, and EXTRAORDINARILY ORDINARY. It would COMPEL you to RELAX and read `MADAME BOVARY', LOOK into the MOUTHS of VOLCANOES and LEARN to make RISOTTO... It would have a LINEAR BUILD and ARISTOTELIAN LINES... MY network would be both JARRING and AVANT-GARDE... with just a TOUCH of BRIAN DENNEHY. MY network would not promote WAR, WASTE, DOUBT or ANXIETY, and would pose the question... What was MICHELLE PFEIFFER doing in `Grease 2'?" -- Sean E. Coates, the "E!" poster child %% **************************(.signature continued)******************************* HOW MANY POSTS A DAY I MADE LAST WEEK *************************************************************************** * * * * * * * * * * ** W*T T*W*T T*WT ** * W*T*F M*T* *F * F M* *F M * * T* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * M * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * ** * M S*S SS S*S S*S * * * * * S * * ^Labor Day ^Sep 14 ^Sep 28 * * * * * * * * 240 -x- 280 0 -y- 15000*************************************************** ******************************************************************************* -- Kibo, signature %% .--------------. .---' o . `---. .-' . O . . `-. .-' @@@@@@ . `-. .'@@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ . `. .'@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ `. /@@@ o @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ O \ / @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @ @@@@@@@@@ @@ . \ /@ o @@@@@@@@@@@ . @@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@ \ /@@@ . @@@@@@ o @ @@@@@@@@@@@@@ o @@@@ \ /@@@@@ @ . @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@ \ |@@@@@ O `.-./ . . @@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@ | / @@@@@ --`-' o @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@ . \ Full Moon + |@ @@@@ . @ @ ` @ @@ . @@@@@@ | 0 5:15:36 | @@ o @@ . @@@@@@ | Last Quarter - | . @ @ @ o @@ o @@@@@@. | 7 3:55:27 \ @ @ @ .-. @@@@ @@@ / | @ @ @ `-' . @@@@ . . | \ . o @ @@@@ . @@ . . / \ @@@ @@@@@@ . o / \ @@@@@ @@\@@ / O . / \ o @@@ \ \ / __ . . .--. / \ . . \.-.--- `--' / `. `-' . .' `. o / | ` O . .' `-. / | o .-' `-. . . .-' `---. . .---' `--------------' -- Kibo, signature %% I AM NOT A BOZO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- Kibo, Signature %% ^L  ____|||||/// / |||||//// TERMINATOR TWO: BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD !!!!!11 / __ || //// | L| : === "Hasta la vista, baby!" -- ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER | | __ : ___ =|= (a personal friend) | (_) :/__) | |/ | \| <--- THE TERMINATOR | .\ | \ \ \ : / I HOPE TERMINATOR THREE DOESN'T SUCK DEAD BUNNIES | HHH--- | THRU A STRAW LIKE BATMAN TWO !!!!!11 \____:___/ "THERE IS NO BATHROOM" -- MY PAL ARNOLD, KINDERGARTEN COP -- Kibo, signature %% My son Herbie, age 7, needs a computer for school and I can't afford one, would anyone like to give us one? It would be a tax deduction for you! Herbie wants a Mac IIfx with a Color PostScript printer. He needs this by next week! All the other kids in his class have them already!!! -- Kibo, signature %% STAR TREK RULEZ!!! ________^_______ ============= - - - - - - - - - \______ _____/\ / / - - - - - - - Write-in to Paramount V \ \_____/__/_ - - - - WHOOSH! - - - to keep them from killing Spock )|US ENTERPRISE/ - - - - - - - in their next movie!!!! |____________/ - - - - - - - - - - TOP TEN STAR TREK QUOTES 10) "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." 9) "Dammit Jim!" 8) "Spit it out, man!" 7) "I kinna do it Captain, I have not th' power!" 6) "Where's the beef?" 5) "They're BORN pregnant!" 4) "His BRAIN is missing!" "Oh... you noticed." ** send mail if you want the rest ** Majel Barett was only on STAR TREK because she was married to William Shatner. The new STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION new series that they're making now is too full of Yuppie bozos. And the special effects are too good. SHATNER COULDN'T DIRECT HIS WAY OUT OF THE BATHROOM WITH BOTH HANDS AND A MAP! -- Kibo, signature %% ------------------------------------=----------------------------------------- I have discovered a truly wonderful proof of Fermat's Last Theorem, but unfortunately this .signature is too small to contain it. -----------------------------------=---------------------------------------------- -- Kibo, signature %% There exist no legitimate audio tapes of me admitting to being an alien, a government agent, a sexual pervert, or the camp-follower of little grey men from Zeta Reticuli. -- Kibo, signature %% /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ I watch Nick at Nite all day! Xibo watches stupid soap operas! /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ -- Kibo, signature %% MY .SIGNATURE IS MORE POSTMODERN THAN YOURS! (It's even autographed by William S. Burroughs. See--->?) / \/\/. \. Burroughs / I wish he hadn't stopped writing those Tarzan books though!!!! -- Kibo, signature %% I have an out-of-date copy of each of the following MTS manuals: Vol. 1, 2, 5, 7, 11, 14, 15, 16, and 24. If you want a copy, I'm selling 'em, $1 each. I also have lots of plastic bags for five cents each! -- Kibo, signature %% _________ / \ | | \__\ /__/ --| |-- -| |- /| |\ /////\\\\\\ NUKE THE DAMN BUNNY ALREADY!!!! | _ \ / UU __ ==/ \ /\__o | *|__\__/ /_ \_ "boomp boomp boomp boomp boomp..." "BOOM!!!!!!!" -- Kibo, signature %% ***** ***** ***** **************** ****************** ***** ***** ***** ***************** ******************** ***** ***** ***** ****************** ********************** ***** ***** ***** ***** ****** ****** ****** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** My ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** name ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** is ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** short ***** *************** ***** *************** ***** 'cause ***** **************** ***** **************** ***** it's ***** ***************** ***** ***************** ***** only ***** ***** ****** ***** ***** ****** ***** four ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** letters! ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ****** ****** ****** ***** ***** ***** ****************** ********************** ***** ***** ***** ***************** ******************** ***** ***** ***** **************** ****************** -- Kibo, signature %% AND THIS IS THE PART OF THE .SIG THAT BROKE MIKE JITTLOV'S AMIGA!!! V guvax guvf dhbgr ol Qnir Oneel, zl snibevgr jevgre, rkcynvaf jul V bsgra jrne zl haqrejrne ba zl urnq jura V tb gb jbex: Nyy lbh unir gb qb gb frr gur npphenpl bs zl gurfvf vf ybbx nebhaq lbh. Ybbx, va cnegvphyne, ng gur crbcyr jub, yvxr lbh, ner znxvat nirentr vapbzrf sbe qbvat nirentr wbof -- onax ivpr cerfvqragf, vafhenapr fnyrfzna, nhqvgbef, frpergnevrf bs qrsrafr -- naq lbh'yy ernyvmr gurl nyy qerff gur fnzr jnl, rffragvnyyl gur jnl gur znaardhvaf va gur Frnef zrafjrne qrcnegzrag qerff. Abj ybbx ng gur erny fhpprffrf, gur crbcyr jub znxr n ybg zber zbarl guna lbh -- Rygba Wbua, Pncgnva Xnatnebb, nalobql sebz Fnhqv Nenovn, Ovt Oveq, naq fb ba. Gurl nyy qerff shaal -- naq gurl nyy fhpprrq. Ner lbh pngpuvat ba? -- Qnir Oneel, "Ubj gb Qerff sbe Erny Fhpprff" TO DECODE THE FUNNIST JOKE IN THE UNIVERSE JUST PIPE THAT THROUGH "UUDECODE(1)" -- Kibo, signature %% _____________________________________________________________________________ R-RATED GIF FOLLOWS, PRESS N NOW! ^L O (.|.) ).( TIFFANY BRISSETE HAS A GREAT BOD! WOO WOO!!!! HUBBA HUBBA! YOW! ( | ) \|/ -- Kibo, signature %% fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. -- Kibo, signature %% "100% gist-free!" -- Amy S. Brockman on Kibo's .signature. Compliment... or CONSPIRACY? -- Kibo, signature %% My favorite painters are Pollock, Rothko, Warhol, Dali', Miro', Tanguy, Rockwell, Warhol, and myself. I'm almost as good as Dali' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My least favorite musical composer is Salieri, since he was a bozo. -- Kibo, signature %% ____________________ / \ / \ ^______________/ __ __ \______________^ \ | / \ / \ | / \ | | o | | o | | / \ | \__/__ \__/ | / \ | / \ | / \ | \__/ | / BO- \____| __________ |____/ -ZO | / ________ \ | \ | / ______ \ | / \ |/_/ \_\| / \____________________/ | | \ | / \----+-----/ | | | /\ / \ / \ _____________/ \____________ (clown shoes) -- Kibo, signature %% Ich bin ein .signature Virus. Mach' mit und kopiere mich in Deine .signature. Don't ask what it means, just put it in your .signature, okay? -- Kibo, signature %% THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THIS POSTING ARE SOLELY THE AUTHORS' AND DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THOSE OF DIGITAL EQUIPMENT CORPORATION, RENSSELAER POLY- POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE, PENN STATE, IBM, NASA, HARVARD UNIVERSITY, SCIENTOLOGY, ATARI CORP., STANFORD UNIVERSITY, BITNET INC., SOFTWARE TOOL & DIE, INFOCOM, PRODIGY, RALSTON PURINA INC., JAPAN, LYNDON LaROUCHE, THE SYSOP OF USENET, GEORGE BUSH, THE LONDON TIMES, ORACLE CORPORATION, WILLIE WHISTLE, STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION, THE HOME SHOPPING CLUB, THE HAIR CHANNEL FOR MEN, OR THE CITY OF NEW YORK. HOWEVER YOU CAN'T SUE ME FOR SAYING ANY OF THIS BECAUSE IF YOU SUE ME YOU'D HAVE TO QUOTE ME IN COURT AND THEN I'D SUE YOU FOR QUOTING THIS COPYRIGHTED (C) MESSAGE!!! MY COUSINS ARE ALL LAWYERS !!!!! -- Kibo, signature %% ****************************************************************************** * NEW drawing! * * of a RADIK00L sword thats even BIGGER then the USS ENTERPRISE wow! * * * * ___ * * /\/ / ====@==== ///////// --------- * / _/ ``________// * * / / `------' ------------- * / / * * __===__ / / * */ \/----+---------------------------------------\______ * *| | XCALIBER THE DECAPITATER!!!! \______________* *| | /~~~~~~~~ * *\__====_/\---+----------------------------------------/~~~~~~ * * \ \ * * \ \ * * \ \ * * \ \_ * * \ \ NOTE: This isnt a hyperdermic needel !!!!!! * * \ \ * * \/\_\ * * ITS SO GOOD I FRAMED IT !!!!* ****************************************************************************** -- Kibo, signature %% aibophobia (ay' bo fo beeya): n. The fear of palindromes. kibophobia (ki' bo fo beeya): n. The fear of Kibo. kibophobik (ki' bo fo bik): n. The fear of Kibo's palindromes. -- Kibo, signature %% I'M STILL 100% FLAMEPROOF! -- Kibo, signature %% I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP! -- Kibo, signature %% HI MARK! -- Kibo, signature %% Arsenio Hall is the black Johnny Carson but Byron Allen is the black Pat Sajak! But at least Byron Allen is funnier than Skip Stephenson or John Barbour! -- Kibo, signature %% IBM's "AIX" operating system is better than "real" "UNIX" systems because "AIX" has "man" pages that show "pictures" of each "command"! Here's an "example", isn't this "cute"? RM, DELETE(1,C) AIX Commands Reference RM, DELETE(1,C) PURPOSE Removes files or directories. SYNTAX one of +--------+ +------------+ | rm |---| +----+ |--- file ---| | delete | +---| -f |---+ ^ | +--------+ ^ | -i | | +--------+ | | -r | | | | -- | | | | -s | | | +----+ | +--------+ ____________________________________________________ \o clip and save _______ /O <--those are scissors -- Kibo, signature %% .------------ .--' o . . `-- .-' . O . . ` .-'@ @@@@@@@ . @@@@@ /@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ .<--- Crater Parry -- I paid $15 for it! ./ o @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ /@@ o @@@@@@@@@@@. @@@@@@@ O /@@@@ . @@@@@@@o @@@@@@@@@@ @ |@@@@@ . @@@@@@@@@@@@@ o @@ /@@@@@ O `.-./ . @@@@@@@@@@@@ @ Full Moon + | @@@@ --`-' o @@@@@@@@ @@@@ 2 17:08:58 |@ @@@ ` o . @@ . @@@@@@ Last Quarter - | @@ @ .-. @@@ @@@@@@ 4 16:02:05 \ . @ @@@ `-' . @@@@ @@@@ | @@ @@@@@ . @@ . \ @@@@ @\@@ / . O . o \ o @@ \ \ / . . `\ . .\.-.___ . . .- \ `-' `- `-. o / | o O . `-. / . . . `--. . .-- `------------ -- Kibo, signature %% If this posting offends you, then you're a WEENERBRAIN!!! -- Kibo, signature %% @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@ @@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Dedicated to Gene Roddenberry, who died last year... @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ -- Kibo, signature %% -------\__/ | * / |_____-/ BOSTON, MASSACHUSSETTS <-- SITE OF WORLD.COM PUBLIC ACCESS UNIX ONLY A DOLLAR A MINUTE PLUS CONNECT TIME! AND NO I DON'T KNOW MICHAEL DUKAKIS PERSONALLY! -- Kibo, signature %% 12345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890XXXXX DON'T GO INTO THE X'S !!!!! -- Kibo, signature %% ^L ^L ^L ^D ^D ^D . exit stop bye ^C ^Z !sh !ed /exit quit q /quit ~x help help stop !help logout $signoff write sysop "how do i stop this ???" psot post ^P^O^S^T -- Kibo, signature %% P.S.: ---------- >From mathew@mantis.co.uk Tue Jul 2 11:28:05 1991 To: James 'Kibo' Parry Subject: Re: Call for creation of alt.evolutionary.acceleration From: Industrial Poet Comments: Civilization is a momentary failure of entropy Date: Tue, 02 Jul 91 10:55:39 BST Organization: Mantis Consultants, Cambridge. UK. Might I suggest adding the following quote to your .signature: "It seems like it's time to retire the length-of-sig-wasted-bandwidth flame. The point really is, News is BIG and .signatures, even long ones, are small." - Mark-Jason Dominus mathew ---------- -- -- -- Kibo, signature %% >From stev0@sti.com Sat May 9 01:19:46 1992 Date: Fri, 8 May 92 22:19:07 PDT From: stev0@sti.com (Steve Berlin) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: your .sig Hi there. Thanks for your nifty .sig. I already got a copy from alt.fan.warlord, but with such a wonderful work of art, you can never have too many copies, can you? Well, of course you can! I mean, "Mona Lisa" is a damn good painting, but am I going to hang it in every room in my apartment? No! But I digress. Anyway, to make your .sig a bit more "user-friendly", here is an index for it. The numbers, of course, refer to line numbers. I'll let someone ELSE do a table of contents. Suggestions for index: 1) Append it to the end of the .sig 2) Include it as a seperate file 3) Just delete the damn thing, log off, and watch Ren and Stimpy or (my favorite): append it to the end of your sig, THEN log off and watch Ren and Stimpy. - Stev0 -- Kibo, signature %% 13, Rot - 610-623 Address - 55-58 Autograph, Burroughs, William S. - 527-533 Child, Dying - 155-174 Copyright - 86-88 Credits - 19,20 Dedication - 781-783 Disclaimers - 22-25, 89-98, 142, 153, 216, 276, 474, 677-686, 772, 790 Drawings, ASCII: Bozo - 644-670 Brain - 28-37 Bunny, Energizer, Being Nuked - 540-556 Check, Amiga - 223-243 Dog - 40-48 Enterprise - 501-506, 692-695 Simpson, Bart, Minimalist - 245-253 Sword - 692-709 Terminator - 478-489 unknown (command flow?) 736-744 unknown (computer?) 293-300 End, The - 775-780, 831 Favorites: Author - 77-81 Font - 144-146 Heavy Metal Band - 245-253 Movie - 137-138 Movie - 478-489 Painters - 641-643 Quotes - 388-440 Quotes, Star Trek - 507-511 SF Short Story - 207-208 Skeleton Joke - 210 Feh, Fee Fi Fo - 638 Font, BUA - 257-273 Font, Biggest UA - 559-609 GIF, R-Rated - 626-635 History - 2-16 Line 350 - 828 Manuals, MTS - 535-537 Map, Australia - 308-320 Map, Massachusetts - 785-788 Map, Moon 442-473, 748-771 Network, Sean Coates' - 350-362 Peeks, Twin - 176-205 Phobias - 712-716 Posts Made, Number of - 364-386 Quitting Attempts - 794-825 Quotes, Random - 57-75, 83, 84, 99-135, 140-152, 212-214, 321-348, 490-497, 514-525, 723-734 Scissors - 745-746 Score, Tetris - 220 Smilies - 303-305 Space, Blank - 280-291 Virus, .Sig, German - 672-674 -- Kibo, signature %% Alt.alien.visitors elected me OFFICIAL Spokesman For The Planet Earth! -- Kibo, signature %% In article <13bvonINN6il@darkstar.UCSC.EDU> carolo@cse.ucsc.edu signed: >-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= >Carol Osterbrock * Life is too short for 4 line .sigs >carolo@cse.ucsc.edu * -- well, if Kibo didn't say it, he should have >============================================================================== -- Kibo, signature %% ---------- UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED. -- Kibo, signature %% RMS told me to plug the League For Programmed Freedom in my .signature so I did. Join the LPF! RMS is cool. -- Kibo, signature %% SEE BATMAN 2 !!!! -- Kibo, signature %% I HAVE A BLACK BELT ! -- Kibo, signature %% What color is an orange? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% Why didn't any of the wacky neighbors ever notice that Vicki was a robot on "Small Wonder"? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% Will they retitle "Space:1999" reruns in eight years? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% Why are dogs with a dark blotch named "Spot" and not "Blotch"? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% What's the difference between one hand clapping? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% Where *are* those four corners of the world that Ed McMahon's "Star Search" looks for talent in? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% Would you please autograph this football for me, Mr. Villechaise? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% Did you play the voice of Roger Rabbit, Mr. Dukakis? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% If the Earth's crust were made from pastry, would pies be topped with a dough layer called "the Earth's outer layer"? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% When are you going to visit the surface of the Sun again? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% Should I train Spot to press the detonator to that nuclear bomb? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% How hard is it to remove a bowling ball from the human ear canal while wearing gloves? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% Why do Betty Rubble's eyes have whites but not Wilma's? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% My knees are blind, but would putting X-ray specs on them do anything? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% What's on Channel 1 right now? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% Why are Eggo waffles circular if they're made to go in toasters? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% Would a suit of armor made from Spam protect you against evil vegetarians? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% Could I patent the concept of patenting things? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% Pro wrestling is fake, but what about amateur wrestling? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% If someone asks you "Hey, you DON'T want any drugs, right?" should you Just Say No or Just Say Yes? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% Would it be better to legally change my name to Xxxx X. Xxxxx or Oooo O. Ooooo? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% What's the holiday where everyone traditionally eats broken glass? Can I have a second helping of that broken glass? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% How do you convert light years to dog years? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% Can you give me some advice, Reverend Pee-wee? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% What should I feed my pet rock? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% Which is better, sex or staring at static on a TV screen until your eyes burn out? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% How many light bulbs does it take to change your underwear? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% Can I borrow your hair, Mr. Shatner? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% Do you think it's wise for me to cut off my wart with this flaming chainsaw? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% Am I really on "Candid Enema"? -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% THESE QUESTIONS HAVE NEVER BEEN ANSWERED, MAINLY BECAUSE THEY HAVE NEVER BEFORE BEEN ASKED. HUNDREDS, IF NOT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS, ARE DONATED TO RESEARCH THEM EVERY TIME YOU POST TO ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY. -- Kibo, alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY FAQ--NINTH EDITION (12/16/92) =================================================== EXCERPTED FROM THE "ASK KIBO" BOOKS COWRITTEN WITH JAN-CECIL BRUNVADAMS, RON GOULART, MICHAEL TOBIAS, AND EDWARD D. WOOD JR. Answers to these Frequently Asked Questions have been verified by Encyclopedia Britannica. They have not, however, been verified to be _correct_. Please send corrections to kibo@world.std.com. Questions will be answered if accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. %% "WHAT DOES KIBO LOOK LIKE?" Six two (-ish), skinny, dark brown hair (medium-length), Abe Lincoln beard, glasses. Exactly the same fleshtone as Michael Jackson's TV Guide cover photo. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT DOES KIBO SOUND LIKE?" Mostly like Mr. Rogers. For a truly accurate image, imagine 40% Mr. Rogers, 35% Michael Dukakis, and 25% Don Adams. (Actually, Kibo was required to take voice training classes in college--they wanted him to talk like Adam West. One of his instructors also worked on Dukakis. This technique is obviously completely useless.) -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "CAN KIBO DO ANY IMPRESSIONS?" A few, but they're very bad so he won't do them for you. However, people occasionally accuse him of doing a Mr. Rogers one, which he can only do when he's _not_ trying to. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "HAS KIBO BEEN IN HARVEY PEKAR'S COMIC BOOK `AMERICAN SPLENDOR'?" Of course not. Don't be silly. However, it's rumored that he is partially obscuring Waldo in "Where's Waldo?" -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT IS THE FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLE OF BOZOLOGY?" Bozosity abounds! "AND IS THIS RELATED TO KIBO'S GRAND UNIFIED THEORY OF STUFF [G.U.T.S.]? WHAT IS HIS G.U.T.S., ANYWAY?" Everything abounds! "OH." -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "HOW DO YOU TELL IF SOMEONE'S A BOZO?" Ask them. If they say yes, they're a good bozo. If they say no, they're a bad bozo. If they refuse or evade, they're the very worst kind, and will be first against the wall when the revolution comes! -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHO CREATED KIBOLOGY?" The idea came from either Mark&Jason Dominus or Todd McComb, but they don't remember which one of them it was. Neither does Kibo. He blames them both equally. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHO'S VISITED KIBO'S APARTMENT?" Mark&Jason Dominus, Sean "Xibo" Coates, Harry Mandel, John Corr, Meg Bertoni, Kibo's parents, Tom, Tom, and Tom, Jim Kasprzak, Scott "~ibo" Ramming, Noah Friedman, Mark Hill, but certainly not Patrick L. Obo. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHO IS PATRICK L. OBO?" Remember the recent _Star_ tabloid cover story, "CRAZED FAN STALKS SUZANNE SOMERS"? -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT'S KIBO'S PURITY TEST SCORE?" He forgot. Wasn't spectacularly high or low. He denies Bush's accusation that there was A Pattern. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT'S KIBO'S IQ?" He hasn't had any such tests lately. However, he has been scored as surprisingly normal on the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI). A certain minor religion's "Free Personality Test" claims he'll go insane soon. [Afterword: Kibo still hasn't bought a copy of "Dianetics", so he is obviously insane now.] -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "HOW DID KIBO ACQUIRE THIS MUCH POWER?" He invented the smilie. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "THEN WHY DOES KIBO REFUSE TO USE ANY :-)S IN ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY?" He doesn't want to show off his skills. He can type the three parts in under a tenth of a second, blindfolded. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT DID KIBO BUY AT THE MARKET RECENTLY?" (From Kibo's three most recent grocery receipts from daily shopping trips) DR PEPPER (4) Eight liters, three days. ARRID-REGULA Time for a new can of deodorant. PLAST FORKS All the plastic cutlery got used up FORKS simultaneously. Same goes for paper CUTLERY plates, see below. MAPLE LINKS Wrong. Brown'N'Serve BACON flavor. STOVETOP STF Turkey flavor, the best. V8 COCKTAIL (3) Does that make one V24? Twelve V2s? GROCRY I have no idea what this was, now. SUP 12Z BOWL Paper bowls/plates. DIX 9IN PLTE CERTS (3) Pocket cache of mints was low. PEPPERONI The most perfect snack meat. HERSHEY DRIN Chocolate artificial milk. LCHOY MS EGG (2) I know LaChoy egg rolls are crummy, but I like them anyway. I don't know why. CHEEZ IT Not for me, for a visitor. I do not eat cheese, and certainly not "cheez". SR CRM MNCHM Um... don't recall. BBQ RIPPLINS Keeblerized potato chip substitute. MEAT A lot of breaded chicken fillets. PRINGLE RIP (2) Rippled pringles. HOOD CALMILK Calcium-enriched, lactose-reduced milk, for cooking (not drinking) BOSCO The only non-artificially-flavored chocolate syrup available here. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "DOES KIBO PERFORM STANDUP COMEDY?" Not any more. Too scary and not profitable. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "IF KIBO EVER GOES BALD, WILL HE STAY BALD OR WILL HE JOIN THE HAIR CLUB FOR MEN?" I wouldn't dream of being a Hair Club for Men client unless I can also be the president. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WILL KIBO EVER CORRECT THIB TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR?" Where? -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHY DO I WRITE ABOUT MYSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON IN SOME PLACES IN THIS FAQ LIST?" Because it would look like I had a big ego if I kept saying "I". -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHO'S KIBO'S FAVORITE BEATLE?" Paul. "WHO'S KIBO'S FAVORITE MONKEE?" Mike, or maybe Peter. However, this answer would be completely different if Charles Manson hadn't done so badly in his audition for them. (Little-known fact.) -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "HAS KIBO EVER SEEN A RONALD REAGAN MOVIE?" Yes, _Bedtime for Bonzo_, twice. Also, night before last, actually threw up while reading a synopsis of _Hellcats of the Navy_. However, this answer would have been completely different if Ingrid Bergman's availability hadn't prompted the studio to replace Reagan with Bogie in _Casablanca_. (Little-known fact.) -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHERE HAS KIBO BEEN?" The northeastern quadrant of the United States. And Cleveland. When he can afford it, he'll go everywhere else. Especially the Moon. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "KIBO SAID `SIL!'. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" If you have to ask, you'll never know. Sil! -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT'S KIBO'S FAVORITE COLOR?" Pantone Reflex Blue(tm). But only on coated paper. Fuzzy-paper aficionados or video weenies don't know what they're missing. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "HOW MANY TIMES HAS KIBO SEEN `GONE WITH THE WIND'?" None. "HAS KIBO READ THE SEQUEL?" He read the synopsis in _Life_ magazine and nearly broke his rib cage laughing. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "DID KIBO VOTE FOR BUSH OR DUKAKIS IN '88?" No. Ron Paul (Libertarian party). "WHY?" He had the least-groomed fuzzy eyebrows and thus looked the most honest. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "DID KIBO VOTE FOR BUSH, CLINTON, OR PEROT IN '92?" Yes. Perot. He did it just because he wanted to enjoy the chaos it could cause. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT DOES KIBO THINK OF TELEVISION?" TV is evil must be destroyed. A good way to do this is to watch your set until it burns out. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT ONE WORD WOULD KIBO USE TO DESCRIBE HIMSELF?" "Kibo." -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT'S KIBO'S SHOE SIZE?" 11-1/2, wide. The boots he's been wearing lately are 30, which is measured in centimeters because the boots were made by Communists. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT KIND OF CAR DOES KIBO DRIVE?" Living in central Boston, it's much cheaper not to have one, and perfectly easy to get everywhere on foot or by public transportation or taxi. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "IF KIBO WERE A TREE, WHAT KIND OF TREE WOULD HE BE?" Yggdrasil. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT'S KIBO'S FAVORITE TIME OF DAY?" Four to five in the morning, whether he's awake or not. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "DOES KIBO HAVE ANY FAVORITE SPORTS TEAMS?" No, he avoids sports religiously. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT CAN WE EXPECT TO SEE TALKED ABOUT ON ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY?" Exactly one-half of the entire universe, including a rather large chunk of the creamy center of the Milky Way. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "IS IT TRUE THAT KIBO WOULD WITHER AND DIE WITHOUT HIS TV SET?" No. You're thinking of Kibo's Usenet feed. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "DOES KIBO HAVE AN S.O.?" I don't consider myself to have one, but she called herself my SO once. Does that qualify? I think I lost her phone number. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "HOW LONG HAS KIBO BEEN ON USENET?" Since about '87. He's had E-mail access since '85. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT PERCENTAGE OF THE NET HAS ENCOUNTERED KIBO?" Unknown, but probably a large fraction. Of course, Kibo has encountered most of the net, since he reads a few zillion groups. Well, actually, his minions do it for him. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHO ARE KIBO'S NET.COHORTS?" Too many to list. Next! -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "HOW DOES KIBOLOGY COMPARE?" Kibology is better. "BETTER THAN SCIENTOLOGY?" Anything is! -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "DID KIBO SAY, `EVERYTHING I SAY DESERVES TO BE QUOTED, AND PUT UP ON BILLBOARDS'?" No. "DID KIBO SAY, `DID KIBO SAY, "EVERYTHING I SAY DESERVES TO BE QUOTED, AND PUT UP ON BILLBOARDS"?'?" Yes. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "IS KIBO FOR REAL?" He's more real than Doogie Howser. Not as real as Al Sharpton. But then, you don't want him to be. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "HOW'D YOU GET THAT NAME?" It was an accident involving a dictionary, a contraction, some computers, and reverse hypnosis! Run for your lives! "WHAT DOES KIBO MEAN, ANYWAY?" What he says. "NO, I MEAN, WHAT DOES THE _NAME_ `KIBO' MEAN?" It means that the person who has that name is named "Kibo". -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "HOW IS (Kibo) PRONOUNCED?" There are three ways. The most common is "Keebo". The second most common has the `short i' sound as in the word "bit". The least common has the `long i' as in "eye". Needless to say, Kibo says it the weird long-i way. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT'S `HELVETICA'?" Kind of like the antichrist, only without the horns. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "IS KIBO RELATED TO XIBO?" No. "WHAT'S A XIBO?" A bad bozo, who isn't allowed. "WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT XIBO?" I could if I wanted to. See, I'm allowed to. Xibo isn't allowed. As the saying goes, "You're allowed, unless you're Harry, Glass, Xibo, Spot, Sandro Wallach, Noah Friedman (after midnight), or especially Patrick L. Obo." -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHO'S XIBO?" A very bad bozo, who still isn't allowed, no matter how much he whines about it. "WHERE'S XIBO?" Sittin' in his nowhere land, making all his nowhere .plans for nobody. "WHY IS XIBO SO FAR AWAY FROM KIBO?" Because they're on opposite sides of the real world. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHO IS SPOT?" He's just a dog. "WHY IS SPOT NOT ALLOWED?" He's _just_ a _dog_! "DID SPOT DO SOMETHING BAD?" No, he's never been allowed to do anything. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHY DOES KIBO MAKE SO MANY TYPOS? CAN'T HE PROOFREAD?" William Shakespeare spelled his own name four different ways, too. And Einstein wore mismatched socks. So Kibo's allowed too. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHO IS HARRY?" Slightly above Spot's level. "IS HE ALLOWED?" No. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHY IS KIBO'S .SIGNATURE SO LONG?" Because it contains an actual-size map of the entire Universe. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "KIBO, DON'T YOU REALIZE YOU'RE COSTING THE NET HUNDREDS IF NOT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS BY POSTING THAT .SIGNATURE?" Those are just 1983 dollars. "DON'T YOU CARE?" Of course I care. Just not very much. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "YOU SHOULD PUT THIS IN YOUR .SIGNATURE." Maybe. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "IS KIBO ON WOODY'S SIDE OR MIA'S?" Woody's. Mia's turned evil! -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHY IS THE APARTMENT DOWN THE HALL ALWAYS WATCHING THE SAME TV CHANNEL KIBO'S WATCHING?" Conspiracy. I can't elaborate further. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT ARE SOME OF KIBO'S FAVORITE TYPEFACES?" Icone, Goudy Oldstyle (only in metal, though), Information Extended Black, Journal, Eusebius, Tempo Medium Italic, Stellar, Ludlow Garamond, Adobe Garamond, Michaelangelo, the original Baskerville, and Jenson's original 1470 type. "AND LEAST FAVORITE?" Biffo Script, Huit Light, Braggadocio, ITC Fat Face, Helvetica Medium, and Chicago. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT IS `E!'?" 24 hours of TV commercials every day. It's the channel devoted to telling you how great all the other channels are! And the big "E!" in the corner of the screen _never_ goes away. Watch "E!" in your hot-tub! While bungee-jumping! Get the latest on Roseanne's new tattoo! Watch the editing process of "Look Who's Talking 3"! Scrutinize trends in game-show-host teeth! -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHO IS BIFF?" BIFF IZ A REELY K00L D00D !!!!!!!!!!!!!1 HE P0STS 2 THE NET FR0M HIZ BIG BROTHERS C-64 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111 BIFF IS AWESUM ..........,,,, "SAY, KIBO, ARE YOU RELATED TO BIFF?" N0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "IS BIFF A KIBOLOGIST?" Everyone's a Kibologist... whether they know it or not! -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "HOW DO YOU SING THE QUOTATION MARKS IN `"KIBO"'?" First you hold up your right hand and make the international double-quote gesture with a quick downward arc of the index and middle fingers (do not do this backwards in most parts of the world.) Then, after "Kibo," do the same with your left hand. Other "quoted" words may "also" be "pronounced" in this "`way'". -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHY IS KIBO SO COOL?" He's not telling, because then you'd all remake yourselves in his image, and he'd just be average! Did you know that NEARLY HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD are BELOW AVERAGE? Shocking but VERIFIED BY ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA! -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "AS YOU MIGHT KNOW, KIBO LIVES IN BOSTON. WHY?" Proximity to the MIT nuclear reactor, Necco factory, Tea Party ship, and that glass building that drops windows on people. Oh, yeah, and it's also the Hub of the Universe. But Kibo is the axle. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT ARE SOME OF THE MOST WIDELY QUOTED KIBO QUOTES?" The widest I've ever seen Kibo quoted is: ` ` K i b o ' ' ...but in some extended fonts it could be a bit wider. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHY DID ISTANBUL GET THE WORKS?" Actually, they just got some business cards. I had to put Turkish accent marks on ITC Souvenir Light; you haven't lived until you've seen a Souvenir `g' with the little doohickey floating over it. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "HAS PHILIP K. DICK APPROVED OF THIS?" To quote from the first chapter of PKD's _Gather Yourselves Together_ (1952), "He put his suitcase down and made certain that his wallet was buttoned into his pocket in such a way that it could not possibly fall out." Unlike PKD's characters, Kibo forgets to do stuff like this, and so occasionally his pocket falls out. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT DOES `OBIK' MEAN?" Obik a special aerosol spray that makes things resistant to further use of Obik. Contains no harmful radioactive plutonium! -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT DOES `XVOB' MEAN?" It's in code. Ssh. It's a _secret_. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT FLAVORS DO NEW CRUNCHY KibOs COME IN?" Regular, ham'n'egg, honey-lutefisk, cheez'n'whiz, nearly-kosher tofu, and dog. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHY DO EXPLODING HEADS SHOW UP SO MUCH IN BAD MOVIES AND TV?" Because they're sheer comedy! A laugh a minute! *boom* Hey, look, honey, that guy's head just exploded FOR NO REASON! It's almost as funny as a midget. Hey, look, honey, he's STILL short! You'll laugh for HOURS! Coming soon to Fox. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "IF MOST PEOPLE ARE RIGHT-HANDED, WHY ARE ALL NEUTRINOS LEFT-HANDED?" It's a safety feature to keep kids from opening them. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WILL I EVER GET A LIFE?" I suggest you check alt.religion.kibology for the answer, every hour. On the hour. Don't forget to keep us posted, too. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "HAVE I YET ACCUMULATED A LETHAL DOSE?" Perhaps just a lethal doze. -- The alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% Naugahyde, BTW, is a Keplerian isotope. -- K. %% Yes, but the major flaw is a GOOD flaw! Unlike Usenet, which has BAD flaws! Because HappyNet is a benevolent dictatorship, it's only evil in a GOOD way. -- K. %% > I am in a real bind here in Washington, D.C. I am supposed to write a 10 > page biography of a long gone mathematician named Pierre de Fermat. Have any > of you ever heard of this man? I heard that his name has been mentioned and > some of his theorems have been discussed on the show. He lived from 1181 to 1236, and discovered Fermat's Principle of Volumetric Normalization, which states that if you circumscribe a sphere about a docecahedron the ratio of the volume between the two solids equals pi. For this view, he was condemned by Pope Pius XIV and forced to recant his views and never again to own any object which contained a right angle. In his later years he went insane trying to find a proof that zero equals six. That should be all the teacher will need to see to give your paper the grade it deserves. If you need any more help, I'm sure the good people of alt.religion.kibology will be happy to send you all the information you need-- -- K. %% As far as who or what John_-_Winston is, you should ask alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics. -- K. %% With Kibology, every day is a holiday! Every day is equally SPECIAL in EXACTLY THE SAME WAY! -- K. %% In one of my Russian textbooks, a sentence the reader must translate into Russian is: "In hot countries dead bodies decompose quickly." -- K. %% I think bionet.biology.tropical would make a fine movie. Heck, you could just film Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin reading these postings aloud while wearing pointy bald caps, and have an instant "Coneheads II", which won't suck like #1. -- K. %% [alt.sex.bondage] > > As the subject says, during a period of experimentation, I got > a small, onyx egg (the kind you can buy in Mexico for $0.50) > stuck in my vagina. I was reading posts about Ben-Wa Balls here > on a.s.b. and decided to experiment with the eggs. How can you > remove these? Even, how do women remove Ben-Wa balls? Will I > actually have to go to an emergency room to get it removed? ;) > Also, how long can it safely stay in there before I have to go > to an emergency room? It's been said that all personal problems can be solved with the appropriate application of high explosives. "DILUTE! DILUTE! OK!" -- Dr. Bronner's Magic Vagina Blaster -- K. %% I love any post in which someone claims to have done something really stupid while pointing out how cheap the stupid item was. I have a penny gumball stuck in my ear. Top that. -- Kibo. %% Seen in clari.news.interest.quirks: > Subject: Re: Exploding fish video results in fines I like that subject a LOT. Please tell Brad that I said so. He MIGHT give you a reward. > (Note that while we do like to know about people > who do the odd reposting to USENET without permission, rewards are not > always provided for reports on such postings, since they're usually obvious.) -- K. %% You know, there should be a Small Wonder comic book! Yeah! And everything Vicki says should be printed in those really weird letters that all computers print out stuff in in real life!!!!!! -- K. %% > What a wonderful line. May I steal it? I promise to tell everyone who > I stole it from. And I promise to only quote you out of context. You may not only steal it with my permission, you may print it in any typeface other than Helvetica. If you print it in Helvetica, it will self-destruct. -- K. %% Because I'm Pope, people now have to kiss the joy buzzer. -- K. %% Seen in rec.arts.prose. > [...] > The bus vibrated like a huge dildo slowly towards my destination, > but it couldn't be fast enough for me. I wanted a cigarette so badly I > could scream, which would really shake these people up, I suspected. A man > in front of me in an expensive business suit straightened his toupee, which > was shuffling its way down to the nape of his neck. Then, in front of my > very eyes, his head exploded. > [...] This is one of the greatest paragraphs ever written. "dildo", "toupee", and "head exploded" together at last! -- K. %% > Does anybody know how to paint some brown/grey/purple winkle paint onto > some aluminium die-cast ? I have no joke, I just like saying "winkle paint". I knew a girl who had her winkle painted gold, and she died of skin suffocation. -- K. %% "Why the worried expression, Cadet Newbie?" "Jeepers, Captain Jargon, why is Kibo's ego inflated?" "That's what makes him CRUNCHY!" -- Leader Kibo %% IRC is not 'more than a toy'. It's LESS than a toy. In fact, it's less than a belch on a windy day. IRC is a little ant exploring the inside of a microwave oven for all five seconds of its short, happy, exploding life. -- K. %% > >: When Bill Gates wants to put > >: Windows in your VCR, it's time to > >: jump ship. OS/2 2.1, NeXTstep, > >: Unix, ANYTHING to avoid a "Windows > >: everywhere" future! Hail Kibo! > > I agree with all of this, except for the "Hail Kibo!" bit :-} You will be first against the wall when the revolution comes! I don't mind dissent, but having a smiley on the same line as my name... ooh, it burns me up. Smileys be evil, so evil. -- K. %% Better to be spleenful than blennioid. -- K. %% There is no true Kibo. There are only false Kibos and me, the indeterminate Kibo. I grep the net, and yet I do not. I have the biggest ego in the world, yet I have the smallest ego in the world. This sentence is meaningless. -- K. %% [ObBracketedNullSet] ObSurreality -- ObInitial P.S.: ObCrap -- Kibo %% SPOT AND THE PILL OR CANDY OR SOMETHING ======================================= Spot swallowed what he thought was a Pez. Unfortunately, it was actually a breast-enlargement pill. Fortunately, Spot didn't mind having a more shapely, curvaceous figure, because then he would fill out his wife's angora sweater better. Unfortunately, Spot's chest enlarged faster and faster until he EXPLODED! The end. -- K. %% I just bought a 144-pack of hypodermic needles (that's gross) and found that one was filled with Diet Pepsi!!! -- K. %% I am NOT a real person! I am an AI program. I can prove it by failing the Turing test. -- K. %% Subject: Posting of the week, from alt.lycra worleys@reis54.alleg.edu (Stephanie Worley) writes: > > Lycra rides up my butt -- Kibo %% "USENET is William Shatner and George Bush trading places after being hit by lightning." -- James 'Kibo' Parry %% Hey! Mr. Sarfatti, you get your teeth off my woman this instant! I challenge you to a DUEL TO THE DEATH. With POST-IT NOTES!!! -- K. %% "Sss ssch sss st ssss zik sschchch sss." -- What Rice Krispies really say "BmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrKA-SPONK!!!" -- Bowling For Onamatopoeia, NBC-TV "Pilaf!" -- Sound of punching your fist into a bucket of cooked rice Next week: sounds they make when doors slam in Scandinavian comic books. -- K. %% > Did Kibo *really* write a letter to the California > Tech calling for the abolition of Helvetica and > related "problem" fonts ? Yes. I'm almost ready to make a test detonation of the Helvetica Bomb, which will erase all Helvetica from the world while leaving other faces standing. The test detonation should render almost all subway stations anonymous, except the Boylston one in Boston whose sign will just have that one deformed "a" remaining, and the Copley one will retain its mutant "&". -- K. %% > 2. Do you hang the toilet paper roll so that the paper hangs > over or under? Explain. Yes. Because it annoys the cat. -- Kibo %% > 3. What is the weirdest thing that ever happened to you? > Be specific. Hanging a two-ply roll so that it went both over and under simultaneously. -- Kibo %% > 4. What is the first movie (and/or television program) you > remember seeing? How has it affected you? "Small Wonder", the episode where Vicki the sassy robot gets hooked on drugs (speed) and starts flying around the room. It did not affect me in the least, LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA -- Kibo %% > 5. What makes you happy? Be specific. Everything makes me happy. -- Kibo %% > 7. Give the punchline to your favorite joke. Kibones! -- Kibo %% > 8. "Life has an inherent meaning and purpose." True or False? > Explain. Kibo. No. -- Kibo %% > 12. Have your ever seen a UFO? Describe. (If you haven't > seen one; would you like to?) One landed in my bathroom last night. It looked like this little boat with a guy in it. And it made all the water turn really blue. -- Kibo %% > 13. What would you like your last meal to be? Be creative or > at least specific. I'd like my last meal to be raw popcorn so that when I get the chair I explode and thus get a really high Nielsen rating. -- Kibo %% > 14. Who is your favorite character from the original "Star Trek" > Why? Kibo. Because he had the coolest uniform. -- Kibo %% I once ran the Shroud of Turin through a Maytag. -- Kibo %% > 17. What would you do with ten million dollars (convert to your > country's currency)? Be specific. I'd keep it. Just to make you jealous. -- Kibo %% > 18. Would you characterize your self as a internal or external > person? Why? I'm very internal, because I have no ego and I never talk about myself. -- Kibo %% > 19. Define the term "making sense". Kibology. -- Kibo %% > 22. What role (if any) does the element of surprise play in > determining you minute-to-minute reality? surprise dioxide is my favorite chemical compund. -- Kibo %% > 23. Is it true that most specialists (scientists who are o n l y > scientists, artists who are o n l y artists, political > activists who are o n l y political activists) tend to be > assholes? Why do you suppose that is? Everyone's an asshole, you PINHEAD! -- Kibo %% > 24. Is there some kind of universal net-web connecting everything? > Be specific. Happynet. -- Kibo %% > 25. Of what practical use is philosophy? Give examples. None, and I can prove it using Socratic questioning. -- Kibo %% > 26. "It is necessary to experience many different universes/ > mindstates in order to fully grasp the Hidden Joke". > True or false? There are no universes, hidden or otherwise. Ever. -- Kibo %% * * * * * * I'm so elated, my head could EXPLO****(spaf!)**** * * * * * * %% Cogito argo cornstarch. -- K. %% news@geovision.gvc.com (News Administrator) writes: >kibo@world.std.com (James 'Kibo' Parry) writes: > >>I am more POSTMODERN than YOU. So THERE. > >What comes after POSTMODERN? NeoPostModern? NoveauNeoPostModern? >DeConstructionismReconstructed? RePostModernism? Postbozoticism (aka Postbozosity.) %% Tune of "The Addmas Family": He's... creepy and he's kooky, he's goofy and he's loopy, he's altogether weenie, the Ki-bo wee-ner-brane the Ki-bo wee-ner-brane repeat indefinitely, snapping fingers where appropriate and don't sing the previous line too often -- K. %% "...they are weenies here..." -- Harry Mandel %% "Spot, of course, has one spot on his body." -- Eric Hill, Spot's creator, to Mr. Rogers (He has three, dammit! He's got one on each side, and one on the tip of his tail! I know, I've read all the Spot books.) -- Kibo %% I'd like to point out that I in no way endorse the Church of the Subgenius(TM), one of the most EVIL orginaizations in the world. J. R. "Bob" Dobbs is the ANTICHRIST and MUST be DESTROYED. If you meet him on the road, kill him, then kill yourself, then kill me. -- Kibo %% Obviously God exists, because I am God's Gift To Humanity. -- Kibo %% My PET ROCK is in THERAPY... it's TOUGHLOVE. If DUKE ran against DUKAKIS, would that make LYNDON LAROUCHE the new SUNUNU? Yesterday Mr. Wilson KILLED Dennis The Menace--but they COVERED IT UP! Today's New York Times is a RERUN! Ted Danson's hair will be IMPOUNDED in a BLENDER! My sleeping patterns are NOT irregular--they're shaped like CASPER the FRIENDLY GHOST! I sold the CONCEPT of CARBONATED URINE to the SOVIETS... Could Rodney Allen Rippey be EXCUSED? Why does Baby Kermie wear clothes but not adult Kermit? Martin Landau's eyebrows are ALIVE! The MONA LISA HATES ME! TV is EVIL and MUST be DESTROYED--watch your TV set until the tube BURNS OUT!They saved DAN QUAYLE'S BRAIN! That's why I'm drinking TABASCO through my EARS! I'm growing MUSHROOMS in my VCR! My MACINTOSH has FLEAS! Ever play SOLITAIRE paintball? Clean LINT TRAP for FAST DRY! Why does ZIPPY share the common DISEASE of COMIC CHARACTERS, TALKING in CAPITALS WITH BOLDFACE NOUNS? Does he have a LICENSE for that BOW? -- from a letter I'm writing to Bill "Griffy" Griffith. Anyone have his (or Zippy's) address? My Zippy books are in Schenectady. ( Kibo ) %% so then this came to mind: "For worship&scorn of Kibo and discussion of his care and feeding." But that's too restrictive. So: "For Kibo-related stuff." And so's that, so: "For Kibo-related stuff, Anti-Kibo stuff, and non-Kibo stuff." But that's too wordy, so: "For stuff." And that's too vague. So, we'll go back to the UNWRITTEN DOUBLE SECRET CHARTER FROM THE FOURTH DIMENSION, which is being telepathically beamed to subliminal messages in the window of your microwave oven. -- K. (talking about the alt.religion.kibology charter) %% "Everything I say deserves to be quoted, and put up on billboards." -- Iain Dick Sinclair (axolotl@socs.uts.edu.au) %% "This [alt.religion.kibology] will be THE hot group for '92." -- Iain Dick Sinclair (axolotl@socs.uts.edu.au) %% "We're going to play with ginkgo leaves for logos." -- Kibo %% "We're allowed in this country. We use sex to sell everything from toothpaste to cars." -- Psychiatrist on "The Joan Rivers Show" (topic: Safe Sex clubs) %% "I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE AND I CAN'T GET UP!" -- Bozo on a commercial for "Studs" %% "And now, a touching story about a dog called Snuggles." -- Casey Kasem "How am I expected to read a story about some fucking dog when you fuck up my cues?" -- Casey Kasem [Ed's note: This may have been on the Negativland CD that was withdrawn recently.] %% 9. "Mister Dobbs, this is REPREHENISBLE!" -- Man on teaser of "Matlock" rerun Compiled by Kibo. "Who Said That?" is a trademark of Intercommonwealth communications, used with persimmons. %% "You're allowed, unless you're Harry, Glass, Xibo, or Spot--or are in Unibo, Italy." -- K. %% Why are Eggo waffles circular if they're made to go in toasters? -- Kibo, the alt.religion.kibology IAQ %% >I give up, who is kibo, and why should I care about him/her? b) You shouldn't care. You're allowed to care or not... as you wish. (You don't get that choice with, say, rec.arts.startrek, where you're SUPPOSED to like Star Trek if you're reading it!) -- Kibo %% Kibo is the colors only blind people can see. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the donut hole. Kibo is the whole donut. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the reason latent homosexuals stay latent. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the feeling in your brain when you hold your breath too long. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the Universe with decreasing entropy. Kibo is a naked woman with herpes simplex 428. Kibo is the yin without yang. Kibo is a pyrotumescent retrograde onyx obelisk. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the serial number on a box of cereal. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the blank paper that cassette labels are printed on. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is where the buses hide at night. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is an annoying series of email messages. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the empty pages at the end of the book. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the screw that falls from the car for no reason. Kibo is why Burger King uses paper instead of foam. Kibo is the little green pebble in your shoe. Kibo is the orange print in the yellow pages. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is a pickle without the bumps. Kibo is toast without bread. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is why ducks eat trees. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo invented the green hubcap. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is why doctors ask you to cough. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the "ooo" in varooom of race cars. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo uses two bathtubs at once. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the odd-colored scale on a dragon's back. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the redundant coin slot on arcade games. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo was last seen in Omaha, Nebraska. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the founding father of the phrase "founding father". -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the last bit of sand you can't get out of your shoe. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is Jesus's speech advisor. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo keeps a spare eyebrow in his pocket. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the guy that writes the Infiniti ads. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is a sentient vacuum cleaner. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is an antebellum flagellum fella. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the nut in peanut butter and jelly. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is why lisp has so many parentheses. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the the four-leaf clover with a missing leaf. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is double-jointed and has a cubic spline. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo never sleeps. [true!] -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the "een" in baleen whale. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is neither a particle nor a wave. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the space in between the pixels on your screen. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the soundtrack they play in hell. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is why venetian blinds have curved slats. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is a green and leafy vegetable. Kibo is a green and leafy table. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo blenz in with the scenery. Kibo plays with toy trains, but they are no ordinary toy trains. Kibo drinks a video toaster. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo eats BIFF for breakfast. Kibo always walks sideways. Kibo makes love to rugs. Kibo rhymes with Kibo. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is why Xibo leaves notes in my apartment every time he visits. Kibo is a vivid sectionist. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibology is measured in terafarads per picoOhm. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is evaporated herbal tea without the herbs. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is that funny feeling you get when you reach for the Snickers bar and come back holding a slurpee. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is 43 1/3 state, next to Wyoming. Kibo is this really, really tall mountain. Kibo is the reason boxes of condoms carry twelve instead of ten. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the blue stripes in the road that never get painted. Kibo is place where those socks vanish off to in the laundry. Kibo is an arcade game like Pacman without the little dots. Kibo is a little pufflike cloud you see at 5pm. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the tool the dentist uses on unruly patients. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is a pickle without the bumps. Kibo is why ducks eat trees. Kibo is toast without bread. Kibo is a venetian blind without the slats. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the lint in the navel of the mites that eat the lint in the navel of the mites that eat the lint in Kibo's navel. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is an apostrophe on drugs. Kibo is the bucket where they keep the unused serifs for H*lvetica. Kibo is the gunk that sticks to the inside of your car's fenders. Kibo is the source of all the zero bits in your computer. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the echo of silence. Kibo is the parsley on the plate of life. Kibo is the sales tax on happiness. Kibo is the preposition at the end of sixpence. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the smallest number greater than zero. Kibo lives in the empty space above a decimal point. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the founding father of the phrase "founding father". Kibo is the last bit of sand you can't get out of your shoe. Kibo is Jesus's speech advisor. Kibo keeps a spare eyebrow in his pocket. Kibo invented the green hubcap. Kibo is why doctors ask you to cough. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the force which keeps Mickey's ears parallel at all times. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the reason robots have no emotions. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo cannot be abbreviated although he his The Great Abbreviator. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo Needs MORE Women. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo could hold 500 sunflower seeds in his cheeks if he were a chipmunk. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo could hold the world under his robe if he were a monk. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo makes your ice cubes Clear. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo put the asterisks in "M*A*S*H" -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the reason why pasta in different shapes gets different names. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is why tortilla chips can be round or pointy. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is why there's no such thing as carbonated urine. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo can pronounce any letter with an umlaut. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo believes breakfast is the most unimportant meal of the day. -- Kibo, definitions %% When you vote for "none of the above", Kibo wins. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo glows in the light but not in the dark. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo eats worms before they eat him. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is allowed. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is why theres no apopstrophe in DONT WALK signs. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is vegetarian Spam(tm). Kibo is non-vegetarian tofu. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo spoils tourists' photos. [especially at Cheers(tm).] -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is no ordinary bozo. -- Kibo, definitions %% Kibo is the Green Golfball Joke. -- Kibo, definitions %% FUN WITH KIBO'S VCR I keep trying to change channels by pointing my calculator at my VCR. If only my calculator had no buttons I wouldn't keep grabbing it by feel at night! My VCR has an annoying user interface. If you hold down the "->" button, it changes channels by tens (but only ones ending in zero, i.e. you can go from channel 6 to channel 10 or 20), but if you press it twice then hold it down, it changes rapidly by ones. Got that? -- Kibo %% [not related to the VCR, but close] When I rented the apartment furnished, it came with a color TV. It also came with a remote control to a different TV. In fact, the TV doesn't even HAVE a sensor for the remote. I figure that when I push buttons on the Mystery Remote, someone's "Zemith Trivitron" in New Jersey goes on and off. At the moment the piano scene from "Reefer Madness" is playing on my VCR, as part of the "Sex and Buttered Popcorn" (starring Ned Beatty) documentary on exploitation films. -- K. %% You've finally figured out the central precepts of Kibology *and* Xibology in the SAME POSTING! Xibo says "You're not allowed." Kibo says "You're allowed! (Unless you're Xibo, Glass, Harry, or Spot.)" So, Andrew, YOU ARE ALLOWED. Poor Xibo. He's not allowed... Poor Spot. He's not even allowed to be not allowed! He's below all that. He's JUST A DOG and will NEVER be allowed! But, Andrew, you are VERY ALLOWED. -- K. [Ed.'s note: The "Andrew" in this post is NOT me. Honest! -- acb ] %% find /news/spool -name core -prune -o -type f \ -exec /bin/fgrep -i 'kibo' {} \; -print -exec echo ' ' \; Is basically what I use when I need to Find Myself. -- Kibo, revealing the secret of his omniscience %% Everyone's equally privileged in EXACTLY THE SAME WAY! -- Kibo %% Oh no, "Out of This World" is on. Yesterday was the episode where Evie had to smear peanut butter all over Kyle FOR NO REASON. What A Sitcom. -- K. %% I know of no TV sitcom other than Small Wonder to have the lyrics "She's fan-tastic, made of plas-tic" in its theme song. -- Kibo %% KIBO'S DISCARDED THEME SONG (to the tune of "Small Wonder", which is extremely non-rhythmic, which is why it's formatted so postbozotically) la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la He's a smallll won-der silly and so bozotic He's a smaaallllll won-der a Kibo unlike my Bic %% KIBO'S DISCARDED THEME SONG -- part 2 (to the tune of "Small Wonder", which is extremely non-rhythmic, which is why it's formatted so postbozotically) He's a miracle and I grant you he'll supplant you at first sight He's a smaaaaalllllll won-der and he'll make, your, lunch, take flight %% KIBO'S DISCARDED THEME SONG -- part 3 (to the tune of "Small Wonder", which is extremely non-rhythmic, which is why it's formatted so postbozotically) la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Heeeeee's fan-tastic made of Spam bricks chocochips here and there He's a smaaaaaaalllll wonderrrrrrrr with sil and boz-ing EEEEEEEVERYYYYYYYYYYWHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRE!!!!!!!! (n.b. Your voice is REQUIRED to crack on that last word, just like in the real song. There's also a disco beat in one version of the Small Wonder song.) %% Your problem is that Kibology IS RIDICULOUS GARBAGE. The sooner that revelation hits you, the better. StAmP oUt KiBoIsM! KIBOLOGY IS BETTER THAN TOFU. ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN TOFU. -- K. %% WARNING: alt.religion.kibology articles, when read in large batches, may cause BRANE DAMEDJ. -- Kibo %% EVERYTHING in the world should GLOW IN THE DARK. Then it'd NEVER BE DARK! -- Kibo %% I was going to see star trek vi, but instead I used star trek emacs because it didn't beep as often. Coming soon: star trek teco. -- Kibo(6) %% "WHAT TIME IS IT?" 7:04pm, Sunday, November 24, 1991. (Eastern US time.) -- Kibo, the alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT'S ON TV?" "60 Minutes" is starting. Andy Rooney is going to kill Charles Osgood with a pool cue and paper clips. -- Kibo, the alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHERE CAN I FIND THE FAQ LIST?" Depends on what FAQ list you're looking for. The alt.religion.kibology FAQ can be found in alt.postmodern. The alt.postmodern FAQ is in alt.sex. The alt.sex FAQ is in alt.exploding.kibo. The alt.exploding.kibo FAQ is in rec.arts.tv.soaps. The rec.arts.tv.soaps FAQ is in the bathtub. -- Kibo, the alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT'S KIBOLOGY?" That's a long story, and I won't burden you with the explanation right now. -- Kibo, the alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT'S ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY FOR?" Kibology. And almost anything. EXCEPT POSTMODERNISM AND XIBO'S CAFFEINE-INDUCED WHINING ABOUT HIS LACK OF A SEX LIFE. -- Kibo, the alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT'S ALT.EXPLODING.KIBO FOR?" For discussion of the act of blowing Kibo up, watching Kibo spontaneously explode, drawing ASCII pictures of Kibo's head exploding, sound files that go *BOOM*, etc. And almost anything else, except postmodernism and Xibo's stuff. -- Kibo, the alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "DOES KIBO REALLY HAVE A BIG EGO?" Kibo says, "Heck, I have THE SMALLEST EGO IN THE WHOLE WORLD. I'm MORE HUMBLE than YOU." -- Kibo, the alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "DOES KIBO HAVE ANY ILLUMINATIVE APHORISMS TO LIVE BY?" Yes. "You're allowed!" "Everything is unique in exactly the same way!" "Kibo is no ORDINARY bozo." ...and about six hundred more where those came from, if you're a glutton for punishment. -- Kibo, the alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "IS KIBO REALLY A COMPUTER PROGRAM?" The rumors that I am an AI program are completely unfounded. Sixty lines of LISP can hardly be called AI. (There's also a C version, which is not currently endorsed, because some weenie changed my vocabulary slightly.) The automatic Kibo-aphorism-generators should be posted here eventually. Then you'll be able to experience the joy of having Kibo babble at you ANY TIME! -- Kibo, the alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT SHOULD I HAVE FOR DINNER?" Eat lots of spicy Chinese food. Don't eat anywhere that has 'chow mein' or 'chop suey' on the menu. Drink too much Dr. Pepper afterwards. Eat leftover Chinese food on the subway illegally. -- Kibo, the alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "DOES KIBO BELONG TO ANY PROMINENT ORGANIZATIONS?" Yes, but most of them are secret, such as Aramchek and the Bavarian Illuminati. A few aren't, such as the Society for Eradication of Television and the Graphic Artists Guild. When Kibo was younger, he belonged to the Dr. Seuss book club. -- Kibo, the alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "IF ALL MY DINNER GUESTS ARE LEFT-HANDED, CAN I PUT THE FORKS ON THE LEFT OF THE PLATE AND THE KNIVES ON THE RIGHT?" Avoid the whole issue by using chopsticks, or better yet, mandels, the miracle new food utensil from KiboCorp. (Mandels resemble small catapults on sticks. You slide one under a piece of food, whack the lever, and the food flies into your mouth. Not for use with soup.) -- Kibo, the alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "HOW MUCH TV DOES KIBO WATCH?" All thirteen inches--I've never heard of anyone watching only part of the screen. -- Kibo, the alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT'S KIBO'S FAVORITE TV SHOW?" Nothing will ever top Geraldo opening Al Capone's vault! "NO, REALLY." Well, currently, Kibo likes Murphy Brown, The Prisoner, Pee-wee's Playhouse, Parker Lewis Can't Lose, Seinfeld, etc. Kibo also likes Really Bad TV Shows, for the humor value: Small Wonder, The Grudge Match, What A Dummy, Space:1999, etc. -- Kibo, the alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT'S KIBO'S EMAIL ADDRESS?" kibo@world.std.com. Before you ask, STD.COM is the Center For _S_exually _T_ransmitted _D_iseases. -- Kibo, the alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHERE DOES KIBO LIVE?" Boston's Back Bay. Don't bother trying to visit. The intercom in the lobby's broken, which is a good way to keep the hordes of riffraff away. -- Kibo, the alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% "WHAT DOES KIBO THINK ABOUT TOFU?" It's vegetarian Spam. It is evil... and must be destroyed. -- Kibo, the alt.religion.kibology FAQ %% >1) How many Kibos can prance on the head of a Pinhead? Depends on whether there's a bow around them or not. %% >2) Is it true that you have to get a kibotomy to be a kibologist? > What part of the anatomy gets scrambled during a kibotomy? > (Bonus points for lewd and indecent answers.) I need what Knuth called 'a fontal lobotomy'. %% Kibology is the science of asking "What is kibology?" -- Kibo %% Kibology is the science of learning to refuse to give Kibo ALL YOUR MONEY. -- Kibo %% Kibology is less pretentious than postmodernism. Kibology is sillier than dadaism. Kibology is postbozotic. -- Kibo %% Kibology is better than OAT BRAN. -- Kibo %% Kibology asks no questions but gets many answers. Kibology is the biggest pencil in the world. -- Kibo %% Kibology is a sword whose point is in Boston and whose handle is everywhere. -- Kibo %% Kibology is like a birthday cake running over a steamroller. -- Kibo %% Kibology is DEADLY SERIOUS. KIBOLOGY IS NO JOKE. -- Kibo %% Let's get postbozotic: make your next post to a group named "Hairlike Vegetable Soup Being Eaten By Williard Scott With A Slotted Spoon". Or sil me! -- K. %% >I am looking for a serious (I know that word is sacriledge) answer to >this, is Kibology a sect of the SubGenius? No. They are a division of KiboCorp. Kibo ghostwrote everything that Stang or Drummond claim to have written. Kibo ghostwrites for L. Ron H. to this very day! -- K. %% No! KibOs! ====== Last year's version of KibOs were shapped like little Kibos doing various things (posting news, designing fonts, buying Dr Pepper with buckets of pennies, and marketing cereal.) But, this year, they're BETTER. Now KibOs are shaped just like the KibOs package itself! And the cereal package is an innovative postmodern design--it's all golden-brown paper, unprinted, with the logo embossed onto it--to make the package look like a giant KibO! The cereal is COMPLETELY SELF-REFERENTIAL! The cereal even TASTES just like the box! -- K. %% Help me! After seeing "Rescue 911" last night, I was struck with the desire to experiment, and... my tongue is stuck to my freezer RIGHT NOW! Can anyone please e-mail me the directions to make hot water to get it free? Good thing I keep my terminal in the freezer to keep it from wearing out so fast! -- Kibo %% Subject: Quote of the Day [QOTD] "Spencer loves small balls (as do most golden retrievers)." -- rec.pets.dogs %% I was going to be Pope George Ringo, but I was unordained. Apparently some tests showed that the zuchetto would have crushed my head. -- K. %% "Bozosity is my bread and Dr. Pepper is my butter" is my "Danger is my bread and death is my butter" ... -- Kibo %% Xibo went to Hell. I hear that Xibo's tongue was on the seat of Satan's throne at the moment that hell froze over, and he had to call 911 to get it unstuck! %% Everyone knows that I'm a superhero except during business hours. Can you guess my SECRET IDENTITY? 1.) CHEESE IDENTIFICATION MAN, the superhero who can tell Gouda from Monterey Jack at 500 feet. 2.) WONDERWHINER, the superhero who always gets his way! 3.) CAPTAIN OREGANO, who will save your spaghetti from being bland. 4.) JANITOR IN A DRUM, with the amazing power to clean! 5.) UMBRELLAMAN, protecting the innocent from rain. 6.) THE GUY WHO CAN CHANGE THE TV CHANNEL AN INSTANT BEFORE A COMMERCIAL COMES ON, who can change the TV channel an instant before a commercial comes on. 7.) BINARY MASTER, who can convert from decimal to binary--AND BACK! 8.) OTHER: ______________________ Thank you for not voting while on drugs. %% "What is man, but a finely tuned machine for turning red wine into urine?" I forget which philosopher said that. -- K. %% > L A T E B R E A K I N G N E W S > > An anonymous source claims that Kibo the leader of the religion of kibology >killed a mouse that was occupying his stove. IT'S OKAY, I'VE GOT ANOTHER ONE. (Mouse, not stove.) The little squeakers come up along the pipes behind my stove (I can't get back there to plug the gaps) and they climb up THROUGH the stove and come out through the burners onto the counter. (Yes, I've tried turning the stove on while they're inside. They get out and come back later.) My mousetraps get them occasionally; I want to get cats. (You can't cuddle a mousetrap. Well, not easily.) -- K. %% why does Baby Kermie wear pants but adult Kermit doesn't? -- k. (wearing slacks) %% P.S. My Alpha-Bits spelled out a subliminal message this morning. And my Rice Krispies laughed at me. -- Kibo %% I also claim Arthur C. Clarke said this: "The Solar System consists of Kibo and assorted debris." -- K. %% STOP .SIG ESCALATION NOW! (None longer than 867 lines, please.) -- K. %% The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that! It would be interesting to write a computer simulation, along the lines of SimCity, SimEarth, and SimAnt, where you control ten zillion little Usenet readers, and you try to make the net evolve a collective intelligence. -- K. %% Last night I dreamed I was Harlan Ellison. Help! -- K. %% My definition of Hell is "Being forced to eat one 'Sour Patch Kid' every 60 seconds for an hour." -- Kibo %% Usenet is eyeballs for chewing gum. -- Kibo %% Usenet is mindful drivel. -- Kibo, "Usenet is" %% Usenet is a product registration card that you mail to God. -- Kibo, "Usenet is" %% Usenet is where the white dot goes when you turn off the TV. -- Kibo, "Usenet is" %% Usenet is a philosophy that only dogs can hear. -- Kibo, "Usenet is" %% Usenet is the reason everything should be made of plastic. -- Kibo, "Usenet is" %% Usenet is a birthday cake running over a steamroller. -- Kibo, "Usenet is" %% Usenet is sunglasses for your brain. -- Kibo, "Usenet is" %% Usenet is a table with two legs. -- Kibo, "Usenet is" %% Usenet is a blind potato. -- Kibo, "Usenet is" %% Usenet fits in your pants pocket. Usenet cannot be removed from your pants pocket. Usenet is a tattoo. -- Kibo, "Usenet is" %% Well, night before last may have been bozotic, but last night's dream was mondo postbozotic: I dreamed I was President Bush, and all the big kids were beating me up in elementary school because I was President and they weren't! So much for my subconscious being logical. -- K. %% P.S. Never trust a shampoo that looks like urine. -- K. %% This waste of bandwidth is more fun than humans should be allowed to have. We should be sending postcards to Craig Shergold instead. -- Kibo %% 2000 FLUSHES ============ Spot, after putting a 2000 Flushes blue dyes dispenser in his toilet, was disappointed that the water ceased to be raspberry-flavored blue Kool-Aid after the first 1999 flushes. He sued and won a million dollars. He used the money to finance research into a new invention: an intravenous blue dye dispenser that would turn any one into an authentic (and hygenic) blueblood. He stuck the tube from his prototype into his left front leg and watched as he gradually turned blueberry-color. The funny thing is that everything looked blue, too, as the pigment soaked into his eyeballs. "Wow! Radical ultramarine!" he gushed. Just then, all theaters in the world started showing only 3-D movies, and Spot could only see through the blue part of the glasses! He cried. -- Kibo %% DAVID LETTERMAN PRESENTS: STUPID PET TRICKS =========================================== Spot balanced a corner of the cinder block on his soft little nose. As the cameras filmed everything in slow motion, red fluid spurted from his ears as his head was mashed into his neck! It got a standing ovation. Dave was very jealous. -- Kibo %% SPOT'S ELASTIC WASTEBAND ======================== Spot's pretentious art-rock post-funk group, "Elastic Wasteband", was performing at Chez Whiz in Roxbury. Across the street, the New Kids On The Block were playing to a sellout crowd at an enormous stadium. Spot's audience had three people in it. Spot's band had four dogs in it. Spot cried into his sousaphone during the first number, with the amp picking up the sobs and distorting them into a ninety-decibel thump-thump noise. Just then, William Shatner walked into Chez Whiz and demanded to be allowed to sing with the band. He asked them to play "Lucy In The Sky With Mr. Tambourine Man" at half speed four times. They did, and he sang. The smoke generator accidentally ignited Shatner's hair, and the fumes from the burning plastic made Spot's cry even harder. The performance was RUINED! Suddenly, the stadium with the New Kids and fifty thousand of their fans was destroyed by a terrorist bomb. Maybe it wasn't such a bad day after all. Spot and the band broke into "Don't Worry, Be Happy", so Bobby McFerrin killed them with a giant cranberry. -- Kibo %% Basically, if you get two pretentious people in a room together, they can have a good'n'pretentious argument about whether ANY given thing is postmodern. Why, I've heard arguments about whether "Pee-Wee's Playhouse" is postmodern! (No lie.) RULE ONE: It's impossible to tell if any given thing is postmodern. RULE TWO: It's possible to argue about whether any given thing is postmodern. I much prefer The Thing Which Comes After Postmodernism. It's Postbozosity. (The adjectival form is 'postbozotic'.) RULE THREE: Everything is postbozotic. No arguing needed. It's obvious. RULE FOUR: Otherwise, postbozosity is just like postmodernism, only we postbozoticos are less pretentious about it. We admit it has little real value. -- Kibo %% I HEARD FROM BIFF'S BROTHER THAT SPEAKING IN CAPS CAN MAKE YOUR HEAD EXP}7i NO CARRIER %% Kibo is the opposite of Spam. -- K. %% Remember, every one of my "Spot & Einstein" stories is modelled on a Bach fugue for unaccompanied no-hole nose-flute. -- Douglas "Kibo" Hofstadter %% BTW, stay tuned for HappyNet. The rmgroups go out in two days. -- K. %% KIBO also stands for "Kibology In, Bozosity Out." But KIBO won't stand for TV shows as bad as "Mann & Machine". -- K. %% Pepperidge Farm Distinctive Cookies are, according to the package, "made for the discriminating palate." I can't eat them, my palate's politically correct. -- K. %% Subject: Actual Unretouched Photo of Iain Sinclair. [] ______ ,__,--, \ / / \ |_ __ L__| o/ o |>) /_ /|/ | . / | /| \___, \________/ / | ## / / #### | |/ ## \ \ / /_________\ \ CC__/ CC_J POOR SPOT! He's become Australian! -- K. %% I stopped eating Meat Snack Food Products when I found out what they do with beef lips. For further reading, "The Encyclopedia Of Bad Taste" has a chapter on Meat Snacks, and another on Spam. -- K. %% MY sentence is more self-referential than YOURS. -- K. (I _am_ my .signature.) %% Anti-pseudointellectuals are always DEADLY SERIOUS. Postmodernism is NO JOKE! Me, I like to play John Cage's masterful _4'33"_ backwards to look for Satanic messages. -- K. %% Usenet is a place where everything is a parody. -- K. %% Usenet is where the intangible is archived. -- K. %% Usenet is a thalidomide ameba. Usenet is Mickey's missing finger. -- K. %% Usenet is why the Tidy Bowl Man doesn't have a little toilet on his boat. -- K. %% Usenet is the only thing that could make Dr. McCoy say, "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a bozo!" -- K. %% Usenet is a tube of K-Y Gravel. -- K. %% Usenet is the reason Dr. Pepper comes in a bottle. -- K. %% Usenet is BIFF's calligraphy. Usenet is a dinosaur who is BIFF's pet. -- K. %% Usenet is something Mikey won't eat. Usenet's hypoteneuse is equal to the sum of the two sides of bacon. -- K. %% Usenet plays dice with Albert Einstein. -- K. %% Usenet has a sign taped to its back which says, NUKE ME! -- K. %% Usenet is the fifth corner of the Earth. -- K. %% Usenet killed Bob Crane. -- K. %% Usenet is why I can't stop writing these damn lines. -- K. %% Kibo is not God over all. Kibo is God over ALL WHO ARE NOT GODS OVER THEMSELVES. -- K. So pretentious, I have to include a zero-length .sig. %% vkochend@isis.cs.du.edu (vance kochenderfer) writes: >ObFCC: Is there a station anywhere with the call letters KIBO? I haven't registered the call letters with the FCC yet. (Partly because I'm currently on the wrong coast, they'd want me to be WIBO.) It'd be the 24-hour Emergency Broadcast Network, playing that tone in a continuous test of the EBS. Our logo would be a happy nuclear family watching TV in their fallout shelter, wearing their cheerful gas masks. -- K. %% >What does KIBO come out to be in the Wingdings font? I don't know, but here's something EVEN MORE SHOCKING! I've discovered that in a bunch of Roman fonts I have, if you press four certain keys, the word "FUCK" appears on the screen! Since these keystrokes work with Roman fonts, not Cyrillic or Arabic, it's obvious--a subliminal message telling all Roman Catholics to have children. A grand conspiracy by all the type foundries of the world! Destroy everything NOW! P.S. Many books of random-number tables contain "666" hidden in man ysecret places and should be burnt immediately. -- K. %% This is my ALL-TIME FAVORITE USENET SUBJECT LINE, from bionet.biology.tropical: Subject: Need help quenching autoflouresence in Nudibranch brain -- K. %% Ever since I became legally empowered to perform marriages, occasionally I've pointed at random people and shouted something like, "Hey, you! You're now married to Jerry Lewis! It's LEGALLY BINDING!" -- K. %% >> The victim, who was not identified, > >I believe it. HAY L00K EVERY 1 I F0UND S0ME 1 WH0 REP0STED 1/2 A SENTANCE FR0M A CLARI.NET ARTICLE WITHOUT A C0PY RIGHT !!!!!1 WHERES MY REWARD ?????/ IF BRAD D0ESNT GIVE ME 1 ILL ST0P SENDING ALL TH0SE GREAT J0KES AB0UT SKELET0NNS 2 REC.HUM0R.FUNNY & THEN HELL BE S0RRY !!!!1 -- IM KN0T BIFF !!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!@!!!!!!!!!!!111 %% > X-I-Wonder: Does Kibo's magic Usenet dragnet search article headers? Is X. I. Wonder the real name of Small Wonder, that little robot girl who never changes her clothes? Fans of syndicated bad sitcoms for stupid children want to KNOW! -- K. %% Basically, when the big electro-magnetic pulse makes all the IC's in the world explode, I'll fire up my coal-powered electromechanical computer, filled with big clacking relays that make it sound like the computers on Star Trek, and I'll set up The New World Order. -- Kibo %% The okra is blennioid. -- K. %% If I had a Super Soaker, I'd fill it with sil and super-sil down the length of MIT's Infinite Corridor. -- K. %% No, no, I said _USENET_ was the most unnatural sexual perversion. YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF PERVERTS! I'm gonna tell Jesse Helms on you. -- K. %% I'm not a living person. I am a special instance of an android made entirely from Mr. Potato Head factory rejects. And I am not out to change the net--only to bury it. *boinggggg* -- K. %% Kibo is human grafitti. -- Kibo %% I've currently discovered most of the odd-numbered dimensions, except I skipped 13 because it was unlucky. -- K. %% The possibilities for sex toys that can go through "normal" matter are endless! -- K. %% Don't think I'm crazy, 'cause I know 500 programming languages and I invented television! -- Kibo %% I dislike ferrets, but they're better than cheese. -- K. %% What is Kibo's skeleton made of? Kibones!!! What was Kibo when he was little? A Kibaby!!! What is alt.religion.kibology's sacred text? The Kibible!!! What algebraic system was invented by Kibo? Kiboolean. -- Several bozos %% Obligatory Slogan: A Vote For Kibo Is Two Votes For Yourself. -- Kibo %% Re my 1992 Presidential campaign: My various choices for Vice President (Sy Sperling's hair, Mike Jittlov, Gary Stollman, and Richard Stallman) have all proved to be unavailable or ineligible (Sperling's hair is not a natural-born citizen.) However, earlier, today, I realized that this was just God's way of telling me I was a bozo. It would be best NOT TO HAVE ANY VICE PRESIDENT AT ALL! Having no VP in the administration would eliminate any Quayle-factor-like negative effects on *me*. Also, the monologues of Jay Leno, Dave Letterman, etc., could all be shortened, thus making room for more commercials to support our sagging economy. -- Kibo %% In addition, I will have NO cabinet, NO Congress, NO Supreme Court, etc. It's all going away the moment I get into office, sneak into the National Archives and edit the Constitution with my White-Out. The end result will be that I will be in charge of a complete anarchy, and I will rule benevolently yet firmly. In fact, this amalgam of statist and libertarian policies will result in vastly lower taxes, as the government will be many orders of magnitude smaller. Every American citizen will pay a flat $1 tax each fiscal year. The $250,000,000 in revenues will go into a one-line budget: to me. What will I do with all this money? Why, bribe other world leaders to make their countries almost as nice as ours (but not better), of course. I'll also be the first President to be able to afford repainting the White House to a more "hip" color than that Sherwin-Williams Oyster White Primer Semigloss. -- Kibo %% Obligatory Slogan: "Don't Blame Me, I'm Voting For Kibo, Because I'm No Ordinary Bozo!" -- K. %% KIBOLOGY IS: a) a religion that considers Kibo to be both God and the Devil b) a philosophy of life that says "you're allowed" c) the science of studying Kibo's every move and thought d) the art of asking, "Who's Kibo? What's Kibology?" e) a small penguin who tries but can't succeed-o f) Other -- K. %% I wear one of those pop-up ties to make the other passengers think the plane's upside down. -- K. %% In exactly seven years (September 13, 1999), the Moon will be torn out of Earth orbit by a massive nuclear explosion, and will be hurled into space. Red alert! I know it's true, I saw it on TV, in the seventies. -- K. %% I actually "wrote" most of it, although I will admit to pasting in a few things, like the lunar map (courtesy 'phoon(6)') and the really bad T2 picture. (Yes, I drew the incredibly bad Bart myself. Nobody knows bad art like graphic designers... "I need a globe with lightning bolts shaped like loveseats shooting out of it for my upholstery company logo.") -- Kibo %% >Quite a few nominations for Earth Spokesman have come in, some in >Email to me, some posted to this newsgroup. >And the nominees to date: >[...] >Leader Kibo I proudly accept my nomination, on the grounds that it's my job to volunteer for this anyway, because I *am* President of the United States, or will be once I win the election in November and use my new powers to declare my term to apply retro-actively back to the moment of my birth. -- Kibo %% Other dates to watch for: October 28, 1992: The Rapture (as advertised by enormous adhesive-backed posters all over Boston, which will probably still be un-peel-off-able in 1998) July 5, 1998: X-Day, the day the Church of the Subgenius is revealed to be a joke, or not September 13, 1999: The Moon is torn out of Earth orbit by a massive nuclear explosion, starring Martin Landau, Barbara Bain, and Barry Morse, with funky white bellbottom uniforms and groovy disco theme music. -- K. %% Cheers(R) burns down next week. So will the bar on TV. Mr. Bubble was found guilty of treason and was sentenced to be popped. Spam(R) was discovered to be kosher. No unethical surgeons were discovered to have implanted cheap Mr. Potato Head body parts in humans. -- K. %% My all-time favorite letter is the schwa. -- K. %% FOR THE HARMONY OF THE DOGS =========================== In the very, very distant future, a Dog spoke of mathematics and religion. The speech was delivered with cheerful wit, which was not lost on his audience, even though most of them were human. Only the Dogs got the best jokes, though. After Lord Bowser's oration, the Council unanimously voted that the Men would be put to sleep, with very few exceptions. Simon would be spared, as would Sheila and Tennyson. They would be left alone until they were needed for spare parts. The rest of the human race was buried in the back yard. -- Kibo %% ATTACK OF THE SIXTY-FOOT WOMAN ============================== "Yikes!" screamed Herman as he turned and saw her. She was almost as tall as he was, but was wearing forty-eight more shoes than he was. They were all stiletto heels. She kicked him to death within seconds. -- Kibo %% I think people should have Lines: headers tattooed on their foreheads. Also an Iq: header and maybe even a Bozosity-Factor:. -- Kibo %% (About inconsistencies in "Quantum Leap") In 1957, when Lee Harvey Oswald is reading the Communist Manifesto, it's printed in ITC Souvenir, which wouldn't be available until 1970. In 1963, when he's passing out "Free Cuba" flyers, they're printed in ITC Garamond, another typeface which wouldn't be around until the seventies. I'm simply shocked and horrified at the lame attempts at period typography on this show. What's next? Sam as Adolf Hitler in front of a sign printed in Emigre Modula and ITC Zapf Dingbats? -- K. %% You're confusing Bill Gates with Ray "Kibo" Kroc, who is still alive and secretly living in Kukamonga. He's going to sue the KKK for trademark infringement to the tune of six kibillion dollars, and when they can't pay, he'll take over and transform the KKK into an organization devoted to racial harmony and the elimination of bad kerning. -- K. %% Kibotech not only enables F-14 fighter planes to transform into giant robots that can stomp on buildings, but it also makes YOUR head explode as it confuses BIFF! Kibotech is the crunchy secret that makes Necco SkyBars slae FOUR different ways! Kibotech fits in the palm of your pants. -- K. %% [] Kibonia is a small sovereign country which is, unfortunately, landlocked. In fact, it borders only Massachusetts. However, there is no reason its hard-working population should not have a truly wonderful newsgroup dedicated the the culture, the history, the tourism, and the illustrious citizen of Kibonia. It would also be the only soc.culture.* newsgroup to be read by EVERYONE in its native country, and would serve as an excellent example of how Usenet will soon control the world. -- K. %% [] Have you noticed the red-and-yellow diamond-shaped stickers that have been appearing on new CD packages within the last couple months? Well, the cryptic-but-scary-looking sticker is a warning that the CDs in question have radioactive green strontium edges, to reflect the CD player's laser better. If you set your Walkman in your lap while playing one of these, you will probably never again be able to have children who do not look like Deviled Spam. [Yes, I know what the symbol *really* means, and no, I won't tell.] -- K. %% I'm not a Grey and not a Pink--I'm a Reflex Blue. -- K. %% Tell your admin that I'm MAD. I'm MAD, and I'm SNUGGLES! -- K. %% My favorite part of Hanna-Barbera's theory is the special force that keeps Fred Flintstone suspended in the air, after he runs off a cliff, until he stops windmilling his feet around. -- K. %% ***The Hymn of Kibologists*** Kibo, Kibo, Roly-poly Kibo, Kibo, Kibo, Eat him up, yum! %% ***The Lesser Quest of Kibology*** world.std.com - a Sexualy Transmitted Disease, or the Spiritual Transcendence Device ? ***The Medium Quest of Kibology*** Why? ***The Greater Quest of Kibology*** Does it feel good ? %% >ObKibo: Leader Kibo knows of this INSIDIOUS PLOT and will PROTECT >US ALL if we send him MOLDY TWINKIES and SPAM!!!!!!!! No, it's fresh Twinkies and moldy Spam. You see, I'm secretly jealous of Noah Friedman's can of Spam which goes "Glurp, glurp, glurp!" when he shakes it. It is preserved over at the Free Spam Foundation in Cambridge. Help break the FSF's monopoly on Old Spam! -- K. %% mdw@theory.TC.Cornell.EDU (Matt Welsh) writes: >My Ambiguous Bumper Sticker Award of the Week: > >Seen last night, walking downtown: > > "A dog is for life, > Not just for Christmas!" > >I want an explanation. Now. "It's not just for breakfast any more." [Ed.'s note: In Matt Welsh's posts, the Organization: header reads, "Linux. It's not just for breakfast anymore."] -- K. %% Personally, I get turned on by attractive women wearing huge globs of Silly Putty. And the best part is, they pick up pictures from dirty magazines. -- K. %% I'm flattered, I've been battered, I've been tubbed, I've been scrubbed, I'm the edible Mr. Potato Head! -- K. %% Burning a flag in a crowded theater will be illegal, unless you shout "Fire!" -- Kibo, 1992 Presidential Election acceptance speech %% A USRDA for chocolate will be established. Chocolate will be bar-coded, or in the case of Goobers, lump-coded. Milk Duds will be inspected to remove any accidental inclusions of Milk Live Ammo. Raisinets will not be manufactured within 1000 feet of bunnies. -- Kibo, 1992 Presidential Election acceptance speech %% The budget for our nation's subways will be increased so that they can afford real subs. The New York City subway system will be extended to link up with the European Channel Tunnel, and beyond, until it goes all the way 'round the world to link up with itself. Express trains will be established which do not stop until they reach the station they left from. -- Kibo, 1992 Presidential Election acceptance speech %% Quoting Monty Python will not be permitted, unless you are funnier than they were. -- Kibo, 1992 Presidential Election acceptance speech %% Our nation's nuclear missiles will be re-targeted to point at Bill Cosby's Jell-O Pudding Pop Warehouse. -- Kibo, 1992 Presidential Election acceptance speech %% Highlighter markers will now write in black, but all text will be printed in fluorescent yellow to aid reading. All words will be underlined, so that _everything is emphasized in exactly the same way._ -- Kibo, 1992 Presidential Election acceptance speech %% Our country's name will be changed from "The United States of America" to "Switzerland" in an attempt to confuse evil invaders. -- Kibo, 1992 Presidential Election acceptance speech %% Mr. Potato Head will follow a dress code, and shave. Sesame Street will be located on top of a giant Whopper bun. Cookie Monster will devour the Universe in one bite! -- Kibo, 1992 Presidential Election acceptance speech %% Movies will be filmed entirely in "zowie zooms". Lyndon LaRouche will be given his own TV show, and his own enema. Most importantly, all laws will be declared to be illegal. Under me, America will be a smoothly-run anarchy. Have no fear--I'm in charge here! -- Kibo, 1992 Presidential Election acceptance speech %% DON'T LET _^HK_^HI_^HB_^HO IMMANENTIZE THE INTERNET !!@@! %% Some of us type designers even *admit* to being bozos. Needless to say, I don't say that on my business card. But hey, I admit it, I'm a bozo. (I won't admit liking Biffo Script, though. I'm not that bozotic.) -- K. %% Note that because Clinton won the mock election, he's now the mock president. However, since I won the REAL election, I am now the President. -- K. %% Well, since I've been doing so well since I was elected, I certainly will run for re-election. In fact, I'm going to run in '93. I'll probably win, because none of the other bozos will THINK of it! -- K. %% Now that I've seen the "Star Trek Federation Science" hands-on exhibit and the "Star Trek Orion Rendezvous" planetarium shows (developed by the Oregon Museum of Science & Industry, currently at Boston's Museum of Science), here's what I learned. Save fifteen bucks by reading Usenet! 1) Matter is green, antimatter is red. Protons are over an inch across. 2) The props and costumes look really fake and/or cheesy close-up. 20th century footwear is still in use 400 years from now. 3) All the science on "Star Trek" is real. 4) A writer named William Shakespeare once wrote a play called "MacBeth". -- Kibo %% Now that I've seen the "Star Trek Federation Science" hands-on exhibit and the "Star Trek Orion Rendezvous" planetarium shows (developed by the Oregon Museum of Science & Industry, currently at Boston's Museum of Science), here's what I learned. Save fifteen bucks by reading Usenet! 5) Antibodies make noises like "PRONGGGGG!" when they are ejected by the foot-wide plastic virus growing out of the examining table. 6) The Federation has replaced Usenet with Newsnet. 7) William Shatner is sucking in his gut in most still photos. He appears to be an elf, because in one badly-doctored composite photo he has incredibly pointy feet. 8) Electron microscopes make "vwooooooooop!" noises as they enlarge salt, which is composed entirely of green sodium atoms. -- Kibo %% Now that I've seen the "Star Trek Federation Science" hands-on exhibit and the "Star Trek Orion Rendezvous" planetarium shows (developed by the Oregon Museum of Science & Industry, currently at Boston's Museum of Science), here's what I learned. Save fifteen bucks by reading Usenet! 9) People in blue or black shirts suffer horrible mutilation when the Transporter beams them into a simulated virtual reality environment. 10) Being on the moon is like being in a La-Z-Boy chair with casters, on a slope. It's a marvelous way to enlighten kids that science is wayyyy cooool 'cause everything in Star Trek is really, really factual. Basically, if you understand science, you're not going to learn anything new. If you don't already have a good grasp of it, the random mix of 'real' and 'fake' science will just confuse you as to the nature of reality... -- K. %% My name, of course, is Xvob rot13. In roman numerals, this decomposes to the equation "15*O(B)", the equation for determining how large the bozosity of a Magnitude 15 orange is. -- K. %% Subject: I Hereby Promise... [] ...never to speak a smilie in alt.religion.kibology. ...never to eat at Burger King again. ...to stop buying type specimen books. ...to improve my game of miniature golf to an even higher level. ...to continue my war against double-spaced posts ...to be more forgiving and allow myself to break my promises -- K. %% Actually, I am the NSA. -- K. %% eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Had this been an actual Schwa Emergency, your screen would have displayed this article upside down. This was only a test. -- K. %% [] For full details on how to stop advertising on the net, send me $20. -- K. %% [] Because Spot can't pick up small things with his puppy paws, I gave him a pair of tweezers for Christmas. He couldn't pick them up, since they were too small. I promised him that next year I'd give him another set of tweezers to pick the first set up with. He didn't really seem thrilled with the twelve-foot diameter ball of Silly Putty, either, especially when he got stuck to it. However, he did have his two favorite foods for dinner--one was lutefisk and the other was tutti-frutti bubble gum. Unfortunately, they were mixed together. -- K. %% But all numbers are silly. Proof: 1) Divide all numbers into two bins, "Silly" and "Serious". 2) The most seriously Serious number, will, via the Adam West principle, cause you to laugh and giggle at how serious it takes itself, and thus should be reassigned to the Silly bin. 3) Lather, Rinse, Repeat step 2. -- K. %% "Students at the Jennie F. Snapp middle school in Endicott, New York, began rubbing parts of their bodies with pencil erasers. 'They dress normal, with jeans and sneakers,' one schoolmate said. 'They act just like everybody else except that patches of their skin are gone.'" -- Esquire, 1983 Anyone done this? What are the unspecified body parts that this is done to? Does it do permanent damage? Is it one of the more bozotic things you've heard of to do with pencil erasers? Can you use blackboard erasers? -- Kibo (I think) %% Yes, it's a sign that Usenet needs a *.recovery recovery group: alt.recovery.recovery And, of course, if that gets too popular, we'll need alt.recovery.recovery.recovery. Anyone for alt.kibology.recovery? -- Kibo %% [] Hasbro has announced today that they will market a Pop-O-Matic Kibo. It is expected to compete with the Parker Brothers Nerf Kibo. -- K. %% I hear that Paula Abdul's next video will be "Postbozosity". -- K. %% >-- >-- Peter da Silva. Taronga Park BBS. +1 713 568 0480|1032 2400/n/8/1. >-- `-_-' "Have you hugged your wolf today?" >-- 'U` I'd hug the above wolf but it's got this big wet slobberin' TONGUE hanging out! Reel it in, wolfie, and I'll hug ya. -- K. %% Doesn't that make "kibology" some obscure branch of gynecology? -- Someone somewhere on Usenet %% Jesus Kiboed my hotrod. -- Someone somewhere on Usenet %% Remember... the "Church" of the "Subgenius" is EVIL. ""Bob"" is a CREEPOZOID. Send ALL YOUR MONEY TO "Stamp Out "Bob"", PO Box 140306, Dallas TX 75214. The "Church" is for DWEEBULAS. -- Kibo %% The TV is comparing the "Black and White" video to "Hook" for some reason. They just showed me how delicious fried rat could be. Oh, the JOYS of my NORMAL MACHINE! -- K. %% caedmon@pine.circa.ufl.edu writes: >Huge stone monoliths carved by primitive hands. They stand a >lonely vigil -- peering out across the wide ocean toward what? >Who put them there and why? Are they waiting for the return >of some ancient God? ____ ____ ____ / \__ / \__ / \__ |\ / @ \ |\ / @ \ |\ / @ \ \ \_______| \ .:|> \ \_______| \ .:|> \ \_______| \ .:|> \ ##| | \__/ \ ##| | \__/ \ ##| | \__/ | ####\__/ \ | ####\__/ \ | ####\__/ \ / / ## \| / / ## \| / / ## \| / /__________\ \ / /__________\ \ / /__________\ \ L_JJ \__JJ L_JJ \__JJ L_JJ \__JJ %% | _ THE KIBO BUNNY \ / UU __ ==/ \ boomp boomp boomp boomp boomp boom boomp boomp boomp /\__o | *|__\__/ He keeps on posting, and posting... /_ \_ %% >1. What is your GENDER? Why? Why not? Male. Because it's better than the other because only males get to believe that having a red car will get them laid. -- Kibo %% >3. How do you define "ROGER CARASSO"? "KIBO"? "ROGER CARASSO" is someone pretending to be a bozo. "KIBO" is a bozo pretending to be someone pretending to be a bozo. -- Kibo %% I like the ones who bring the GET WELL SOON cards, even though I'M NOT SICK!!! I keep telling them that I didn't mean to deep-fry that Barbie doll. -- Kibo %% Professionals DON'T THINK!!! They hire SUBCONTRACTORS! Duh. -- Kibo %% Once I bought a duck, but the wheels fell off. -- Kibo %% >19. Do you generally PREFER to work as a member of a team or >solo? Yeah, don't we all! I prefer to work with android replicants and bug-eyed alien monsters. -- Kibo %% >20. If you were working as part of a TEAM, would you prefer to >have a position of leadership or to be member? Well, >hypothetically. No, look, I mean, pretend there was a TEAM ... I'd like to be the mascot. That way I wouldn't have to take off this goofy large paper-mache head I wear at parties. -- Kibo %% >23. What social CLASSES do you think exist in your country >today? Have you ever attended a social class? Do you even know >who "Miss Manners" is? I took some classes in sitcom-writing once. We had to bring laugh tracks with us. -- Kibo %% >Selected by Brad Templeton. I think I was buying Spam at the market today and there was a little sticker on the can that said that. Weird. -- Kibo %% Well, since postbozosity is a reaction to postmodernism... with postmodernism, you can argue for hours on whether ANY given work is postmodern or not. If you have a nimble tongue you can argue that "Pee-wee's Playhouse" is postmodern (I've heard that) or that Derrida's work isn't. Postmodernism's secret is that it's as DIFFICULT to define as possible. Postbosoity is the opposite. As easy to define as possible: EVERYTHING IS POSTBOZOTIC. There are NO exceptions. -- Kibo %% Kibo is God. Kibo is a bozo. Therefore God is a bozo. -- Kibo %% >Void where Prohibited by law. If you do, you'll mop it up! -- K. %% David Hasselhoff's hair once touched William Shatner's and they mated. -- K. %% Bozo might make a good Pope, actually. The pistachio hat would fit nicely in the middle of his big red hair. And when people kiss the ring, it could squirt them. -- Kibo %% bediger@isis.cs.du.edu (bruce allen ediger) writes: >During one school year they had a "Habitrail" hamster hutch, with all of the >tubes, connectors and boxes for the beloved hamster to run through and hide in. >They also had a cat. The cat learned to knock out a section of plastic tube, >and wait by the disconnected opening with its mouth open. The cat ate $45 >worth of hamsters in one school year. That's either 90 hamsters, or six if you buy them on Newbury Street here. I priced them a couple months ago since I had planned to release one into the walls to drive away the mice. (I figured hamsters would be better since they can't fit under my stove's burners, probably.) %% Biff was between lobotomies this week. He was wandering around his dorm room aimlessly. MY BRANE FEELZ K00L, he thought, because they had not yet put the top of his skull back. -- Kibo %% Meanwhile, in deep deep dark space, at the creamy center of the Milky Way, the USS Enterprise flashed its turn signals. -- Kibo %% BIFF tripped over his pet gerbil Dinky, and his brain fell out. It fell against the window while the window was open. The window was also ten stories above the street. The brain plummeted. It struck the ground like a water balloon without the balloon. BIFF didn't notice and tried to iron out the kinks in his iron's electrical cord. -- Kibo %% The USS Enterprise encountered a barrier of asterisks across the center of the galaxy. The ship was doomed! * * * * * -- Kibo %% "0W 0W !!!!111 0W !!!!111 I G0T A BLISTER!" shouted BIFF. He tried to pop it only to discover it was his eyeball. He leaned out the window to scream in pain, and noticed his brain lying on the sidewalk directly below, as well as below to the left and across the street. In the mild breeze, BIFF's brain quivered indecisively like Jell-O, and then relaxed like a lump of Spam. Spot ambled over, his dog tags jingling in the wind. "What's this?" yapped Spot. "Looks like Spam! I love Spam!" (munch, munch) -- Kibo %% "Wow, that Spam tasted weird," yapped Spot. "In fact, it's HAVING A STRANGE EFECT 0N ME !!!!!!!HELP !!!!!!111" Spot's fur fell off with a *SPLAT*. He noticed that the spot on his side had mutated into a large asterisk! -- Kibo %% In Engineering, Scotty prepared to push the button labeled NEVER PRESS THIS BUTTON SINCE IT MAKES THE WHOLE SHIP BLOW UP, but discovered that he couldn't reach it with his paw. Some sinister force had changed Scotty into a scotty! He barked and ran in circles, frustrated. * * * * * Meanwhile, Spot, now possessed by the spirit of BIFF, was building a spaceship from his Tinkertoys and his C64. He wanted to go explore deep space, or as he put it, 2 XPL0R DEEP SPASE. You can see where this is leading, can't you? Obviously, Spot/BIFF will meet Scotty/scotty and they'll either fall in love... or else they'll beat each other to death with pool cues! -- Kibo %% Spot's spaceship, THE J00PITER 1, lifted off with a massive cloud of smoke that smelled like bacon. In reached orbit within minutes and collided with the USS Enterprise. Spot stepped out onto the wreckage of the Enterprise's bridge. "W0W !!! THIS IS JSUT LIEK STAR TRECK !!!!!!111" he yapped. "My HERO!" barked Scotty, giving Spot a big wet kiss. Then they beat each other to death with pool cues. The Enterprise, out of control, sailed into the Sun and dissolved. T H E E N D DEDICATTED T0 THE MEMERY 0F BIFFS BRANE !!!!!!!1 -- Kibo %% Kibo is the melting of the cheese. %% Kibo is when you get really excited because you just watched some poor schmuck trip over something and fall down and break something and bleed, and then you get this weird feeling 'cause you did the same thing the week before. %% Where in the world is Carmen San DiKibo? %% Kibo are golden. Kibo has no ingredients list. Kibo is doing brookside bridgework on his obelisk in the bookmobile while his mockingbird is at the breakpoint. %% Kibo smells like a bacon, lettuce and potato sandwich. Kibo is as kibo does. Kibo never needs lubrication. Kibo comes in a convenient 12-pack. Kibo doesn't have any spam in his navel. %% Kibo has a brightness control, but no contrast. When the tide comes in, Kibo goes out. Kibo is one of 7 species of South American insects depending on what day of the week it is. Kibo is water soluble. %% Kibo has a line in his will specifying what font should be used on his tombstone. Kibo cannot be used as an adverb. Kibo is the middle ring of a three ring binder used by an 11 year-old schoolgirl in Memphis, Tennessee for her biology class, which she failed twice already. Kibo is impervious to salt bombs. %% Kibo is a well-adjusted paragraph. Kibo needs no induction. Absolute Kibo breeds absolutely. When Kibo yawns the whole world loses a proton. %% Kibo prevents amebas from undergoing trinary fission. %% Kibo was crucified on a doughnut. %% Kibo feels the schwa should come after z. %% Kibo is the reason why Ed McMahon isn't wacky. %% Kibo designed Vicki The Robot's dress. %% Kibo can swim through dehydrated eggs without adding water. %% Kibo erases your credit cards in his presence. %% Kibo bozes well. %% Kibo is the paint on walls that looks spongy. Kibo is never a fish, not even at the supermarket. Kibo could bowl, but only if the pins were mailed to him in a basket. Kibo is like the insects' sweet song. Kibo is the tomato you leave in your Crisper for three months. %% Kibo has five wisdom teeth, and grows an extra one monthly. Kibo never dances in the dark. Kibo is the rain that comes after it snows. Kibo and grass are all that cows really think about. %% You can be Kibo, but Kibo can't be you. Governor Clinton has a little Kibo in him, and it says "meep". Kibo never shaves his legs. The Army doesn't like Kibo, it affects troop morale. %% Kibo could get married, if pigs could fly, which they can. %% Kibo never tips the pizza guy more than $20. %% Kibo is the bits of sausage you find three weeks later. %% Kibo's accountant keeps bad numbers, but only in sevens. A pool of Kibo isn't as exciting as a pool of Krill. You can make a Kibo out of Lego bricks. %% [] I just bought a color visiphone because the salesman told me how cool it would be to be the first guy in the country to have one. For some reason, I feel like I did something stupid, but I can't quite put my finger on it. -- K. %% SPOT'S BRIEF HAPPY PARENTHOOD ============================= Spot awoke to find himself covered with heavy cream sauce, which was crushing his legs. The giant laughed and raised his fork. "No! Please!" cried Spot. "Don't eat me! I have a wife and puppies!" The giant frowned. "That's odd, teensy puppy. You don't have kids in the other stories in this book." He ate Spot's tail. "I don't believe in your children." "But I do believe in my children! I do believe in my children!" shouted Spot, clapping his paws. A shower of fairy dust passed through the room, and because of Spot's faith, it became true! Spot was now a father of eleven, so the giant let him go. Spot made a witty pun at a retail store and went home. Mandy, Binky, Sammy, Laxxy, Fizzy, Clunky, Sissie, Dissie, Gorby, Wobbly, and Fleabag were waiting for him. "Hi Pop! Whadja bring me?" they yelled. Spot turned his pockets inside out to prove he hadn't brought anything, so his eleven wonderful kids beat him to death. Suddenly, they ceased to exist. (C) 1992 James "Kibo" Parry %% EINSTEIN'S LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT ================================== No, Einstein wasn't dead. He was just writing out his will. I, Einstein, being of sound mind and body, do hereby write this Last Will And Testament. I leave everything to me. In the event that I am dead, give it to someone else. The End. Einstein folded it up into a little ball and hid it where nobody would ever find it. (C) 1992 James "Kibo" Parry %% TENSITY THE AMEBA DOESN'T LEARN A LESSON (an ordinary, non-didactic wacky episode) ======================================== Tensity's identical twin cousin, Felicia, was visiting. (She was identical to him because they were both asexual, being amebas. Of course, all amebas are more or less identical, but even Tensity and Felicia couldn't tell each other apart.) Of course, a hilarious mixup happened, and when subplot #3 (Tensity sells everyone hair tonic that makes their nuclei turn purple) occurred, Felicia was wrongly beaten up by Tensity's suckers. This gave Felicia a zany idea for getting even: she would lock Tensity in the giant freezer in her soundproof kitchen, but unfortunately, they both got locked in. They had to apologize to each other and cooperate to get out, and then the audience said "Awwwwww!" as they hugged. Unfortunately, Tensity and Felicia were covered with sharp icicles, and they punctured each other, and cytoplasm splattered the front row. (C) 1992 James "Kibo" Parry %% EINSTEIN'S SECRET ================= Einstein stopped the elevator between floors and got out. Suddenly, he realized he was walking through solid walls and someone's ceiling. Exposure to his Ecto-Ray had made him rather insubstantial! He also noticed that with a little concentration, he could become invisible. With his newfound freedom, he went to a topless bar. (C) 1992 James "Kibo" Parry %% KIBOLOGISTS DO IT WITH GREP. %% Kibos and Bits Kibos and Bits I'm gonna get some Kibos and Bits -- Dan Wright %% I filled my decaf pot with concentrated caffeine solution. Then I took it to Taco Hell and left it there under the "You Need A Fajita!" poster showing Big Brother. Their new special is the impossible-to-rhyme Armadillo Tortilla Flotilla. -- K. %% But first you have to set the .signature to music. And then sell it to Michael Jackson who can sell it to the Muzak people. It's so funky-fresh to hear Beatles songs about LSD playing in the supermarket., -- K. %% John_-_"Bibo"_Winston@cup.portal.com writes: >Dear Folks: I am at a loss for words. Here are some you may have. Most are English. A few are Solar Max... monadnock blennioid bass-frettish crunchewy zeptoquaternium-17 crimping equinoxious portmanteau pamplemousse curdlet octothorpe greebling philatelist podular Schnitzeltod schnitzeltoed sil -- K. %% I'm really sick of smileys. I oughta know. I invented them. -- Kibo %% >I wanted to point out to others, it is common for Scientologists to still >be skeptical about various aspects of Scientology. Big deal. Kibology *encourages* you to be skeptical about Kibology. Eventually, devout practitioners attain the state of true religiosity: believing in Kibology even though they *know* that it is false. -- K. %% roadrash@bcstec.ca.boeing.com (The Man With No Name) writes: >xyzzy@mertwig.UUCP (Daniel Drucker) must be a wizard if he can conjure up >a flame war on the very same Usegroup that has a thread making fun of past >flame wars in net.history. This could also be considered the first case >of child abuse in cyberspace and now deserves a place among the historical >flame wars of legend. %% And archiving the net is like washing toilet paper! -- K. %% Incidentally, the original of this phrase was in a new exhibit at the Museum of Science in Boston. They had set up a comment/suggestion box, with a bunch of notes they'd received pinned up under glass. They were "Dear Curator: _________________" forms. One said: Dear Curator: YOU SMELL LIKE CHEESE! -- K. %% >"The main reason for switching to Object-Oriented Programming is >to keep your head from exploding." No, no. It's because object-oriented programming is like having a bathtub filled with water, and the water has all these Objects floating in it, but none of the objects can communicate directly with the other objects because there are cardboard dividers also floating in the water between them, so each object can use a telephone to send a signal to a filing cabinet which opens one of its drawers and releases various [legal] chemicals into the water... -- K. %% For the record, we just introduced a new variety: Lutefisk KibOs(TM) With Cheez 'N' Whiz(TM). -- K. %% hrose@eff.org (Helen Trillian Rose) writes: >I got a nice big core file: >1752 -rw-r--r-- 1 hrose 10133936 Nov 10 21:52 mother-core Can you post it for all of us? I'll trade you the 5,000-question Purity Test. -- K. %% abian@iastate.edu (Alexander Abian) writes: >As far as your Logic is concerned, I have given you several times the >non-answer > That Churchill during the air raids on London did say: > " For the SECURITY of our nation we must fight the enemy" >he did not say > " since all dogs are cats we must fight the enemy" I was there. He distinctly said, "Need help quenching autofluorescence in nudibranch brain--NANCY, HAND the MAN the DANDY CANDY!" -- Kibo %% Kibo, do you grep for kibo uuencoded? -- Danny Drucker, 14-Year-Old C/LISP/Network Wizard %% etob is a UNIX program for translating EBCDIC to binary. etobicoke is a special carbonated beverage that translates you into binary. -- Kibo %% zik@zikzak.apana.org.au (Michael_-_Saleeba) writes: > I saw these two guys sitting at a computer and pointing and laughing >at the screen. At first I thought it was my good chum Kibo but they >didn't have a dog so I guess not. I don't have a dog... not since Spot fell on his pocket time machine (ouch) and it went off and sent him back to the days when the Earth was in liquid form. Poor Spot! -- K. %% Spot tore off the Return of the Jedi wrapping paper and found-- A pair of solid magnesium boots just like those worn by people who lugged gold bars around in the basement of Spot's local Federal Reserve Bank. The boots had to protect against the crushing force of a gold bar accidentally dropped on someone's toes, but magnesium was the only metal light enough to make such a sturdy boot. These boots were all the rage in the postmodern circles in which Spot orbited! Spot smiled happily as he put on his new boots. He was _cool_ now! Spot lit his first-ever cigarette. A tiny bit of ash immediately flaked off and landed on his left boot! It burst into white-hot flame, like a motorists' emergency flare only _MUCH_ brighter! Spot screamed and tried to stamp it out with his other boot, which also-- WHOOSH. Spot's ashes were placed in a safe deposit box at the Federal Reserve Bank. THE END -- Kibo, "Spot's Second Christmas" %% Spot tore off the Cabbage Patch Preemies wrapping paper and found-- The only happy ending of the six! Yes, Spot's special mystery gift was-- --empty! Spom and Spop had given Spot the most precious gift and parent can give a child: the incentive for the child to use his or her imagination. Spot stared at the box and imagined that it contained a gift. THE HAPPY END -- Kibo, "Spot's Second Christmas" %% Spot tore off the ALF wrapping paper and found-- Satan Claws's evil devil dog, Xpot! Xpot vaporized Spot with a twitch of his laser-firing wet nose. Spom and Spot didn't notice, of course, and so Xpot took Spot's place for the rest of his life. Eventually, using Spop's political connections, Xpot pulled a few strings and became the first dog President of the United States. Then he pushed the button that made the world blow up. In Hell, Spot whined as six billion new arrivals fell on him. THE END -- Kibo, "Spot's Second Christmas" %% Only the Polytron reduces an entire mouse to a soup-like homogenate in 30 seconds. Imagine what it can do for your samples. * Powerful 700W motor develops 27,000 RPM * Unique tissue disruption by mechanical shearing and cavitation * Interchangeable generators to suit your sample * Foam-reducing generators minimize sample aeration * Optional speed controller, Reco 31T, maintains constant speeds regardless of changes in solution viscosity. MORE INFORMATION? Check No. 140 on the reply card or call: Toronto (416)675-7911, Montreal (514)694-2016 Calgary (403)263-2111 Toll free in B.C., Alberta & Saskatchewan call 1-800-661-1347 %% columbus@strident.think.com (Michael Weiss) writes: > >[Discussion by Mcinnes, MAWENZI [?] lieutenant of Kibo, of the "flat" case >of an expanding universe omitted]. This would be my favorite sentence of the week if only that second comma were omitted. -- Kibo of the "flat" case of an omitted expanding universe. %% [] I offered David Letterman $69 million. For his suits. -- K. %% I know everything. Except stuff about cheese. I hate cheese. -- K. %% [] I silled Richard M. Stallman today. -- K. %% Kibo, on the other hand, designs well. If your union at CMU were named after me, it would be daringly postmodern with just a hint of a witty reference to Gropius. Of course, if it were named Xibo, it would have no doors and no windows, and would be filled with concrete. Xibo is a bozo. -- K. %% Big deal. Kibo's Number, which may not be the largest, is certainly the most useful. N = 0.99 k It is used for pricing supermarket products. For an item of value x, the actual price in dollars is x + N - 1. This makes the k item of value x seem, to bozos, to be priced at x-1. Indeed, clever use of Kibo's Number can make a $20,000 car, priced at $19,999, seem cheap--and for items that cost less than a dollar, it can actually make them seem free! -- K. %% Subject: Recipe [] Ingredients: 2 liter bottle of Dr Pepper (99c) 1/3 bottle Rose's Grenadine (it's in with the bloody mary mixes and other drink mixers at your market, $3/bottle) Mix. -- K. %% I had a terminal installed in my bathroom (at BIFF's request, back when he lived there) and now I read news sitting on the toilet... but now, whenever I read Usenet elsewhere, fill in the blank, -- K. %% If you're in Boston, I suggest taking the Red Line up to Cambridge and visiting MIT's famous "Infinite Corridor". When you see it, you'll immediately think, "Gee, this 'infinite' is such an empty, deceptive word," and you will then realize that the entire Universe isn't all it's cracked up to be either. -- K. %% Cheers(R) is EVIL and MUST be DESTROYED. NOW! -- K. %% martin@world.std.com (Martin J Hannigan) writes: >Whilst Kobo has a big sig, thats about it. I HOPE you go BALD asshole. Who's Kobo? And does the BCS know that some twelve-year-old hacked his way into Mr. Hannigan's account? -- K. [Ed.'s note: That's no 12-year-old; Martin Hannigan is a bad bozo.] %% jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu (Joel Furr) writes: >I wish I was a happy go lucky college student with the freedom to hang out >in the Grill on College Avenue in Athens, Georgia again. Similar >wonderful burgers. Nothing at all like McDonald's. I'd saw off Kibo's >left leg if someone would get me one of their half-pound mushroom-covered >burgers. Mmm. Please note that their burgers are usually made from human rump meat, *not* leg meat. Sawing off my leg would only get you something that tasted like chicken, only hairier. -- K. %% I just got a V.32 modem and boy are my arms tired from trying to type fast enough. -- Kibo %% >Kibo used to be a Nerd in Junior High School who thought Star >Trek was real? Now he knows it's just a tv show! No, no. I thought "Blake's 7" was real. I thought "Star Trek" was a small brown bear covered with Deviled Spam. And I still think that alt.alien.visitors is like a giant sink swirling down the drain of a much bigger giant sink while a small penguin whines, "Radio! Radio!" -- K. %% [alt.sex] >blowup dolls........what are they _really_ like?? >do they have anny that feel liike real flesh???... >...or all they just plastic boring things???? Well, they all feel like real flesh, but only if you're comparing them to dead flesh. And of course they kind of explode if you weigh more than about 270 pounds--READ THE WARNING LABEL! If you're injured, you'll just be LAUGHED out of the emergency room! -- Kibo %% Kibology is not just a religion--it's also a candy mint! -- K. and a floor wax %% [] At the graphics arts show yesterday, I handed my card to someone (it says "James Parry") and he said "Oh, aren't you on the net as 'Kibo'?" Now I will have nightmares. -- Kibo %% [] I saw the Peanuts Arbor Day Special in the seventies. -- K. %% My Sarfatti impression kills them at parties. Or rather, it kills parties. -- K. %% I freely mix Mork'n'Mindy, Battlestar Galactica, and Scientology jargon. -- K. %% WHAT DUZ DISLEXYC MEAN??? IS IT LIKE LEX.YY.C FILES D00D ???????/ -- KIBIFF %% Starting tomorrow (Tues.), Boston's Museum of Science will have a seven-legged frog on display. JTYWLTK. -- K. %% sloth@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Andrew Bulhak) writes: > We need a new word, clean of negative >connotations, to replace "hack". I humbly suggest "kiboze". -- K. %% ># Disclaimer: GWU hates what I think. It'll have none of it. But I wove the GWU pwoject, they wite the vewy best compiwers wike GWU C-pwus-pwus and besides Wichard Stawman is cool! -- K. %% Chili can be noisy, especially on a gas stove. -- K. %% [] I know the guy whose friend actually found that transparent albino cave newt in the Crystal Pepsi can! -- K. %% Hey, some of us LIKE bullshit! -- K. %% But, John_-_, if I don't post the GIFs, the world at large will continue to fester with weenies who insist you're an AI concoction that escaped from the Artificial Muscle Lab at MIT! -- Kibo, to John_-_Winston %% The Jargon File doesn't know how to pronounce "Kibo", so why trust it further than you can throw it? -- K. %% I showed off my Nut Bug around the FSF office today. Mycroft sprayed it with GDB, though. -- K. %% BTW, I see that the Sun *finally* started using digital retouching--the photo of the saucer cutting the plane in half was done on a computer. Most tabloids are still using the old draw-it-on-the-photo hand retouching which is so obvious (my favorite is an old one of Prince Charles secretly squirting Colgate up his nose. The halftone dots in the tube and in him were a different screen frequency and angle.) -- K. %% [] I just purchased a Nut Bug for four bucks. It's even cuter than a REAL bug-infested walnut. But whatever should I name it? -- K. %% >Copy this .sig and just say noe to big-brother's monitoring of public bandwidth >*Bush Quayle conspiracy JFK cocaine LSD heroin marijuana AK-47 Iran Iraq Libya* >*Sandinista Contras Panama Noriega FBI CIA NSA Secret Service fixed-elections * >*Neil Bush S&L coverup potatoe wiretaps search & seizure bill of rights dead * You forgot the part about parental-advisory stickers for unborn gay soldiers, John Sculley implanting MultiFinder in human brains, Gore's other use for the tube of Brylcreem, and Socks The Cat getting sucked into Air Force One's engine over Hope. -- K. %% I like Chelsea. -- Kibo %% THE SPAM THAT TASTED GOOD! ======(a fairy tale)====== [by James "Kibo" Parry. Copyright 1992] Once upon a time, there was a can of Spam that tasted good. However, when Fred ate it sixteen years later, it was no longer the same Spam. It was like eating a bowling ball covered with shag carpet and that ectoplasm that oozes from raw okra. Fred wrote a letter of complaint. In response, they sent him two free cans of Spam. The first tasted like quinine tofu, and the second tasted like Lutefisk Whiz with extra carbonation. He wrote to complain about the two cans and they sent him four. Etc. Ten tries later, he was up to 4096 cans, and all of them tasted unique. It's too bad that the can that tasted good was gone forever. -- K. %% I know someone who actually knows a nurse at the hospital where Tom Cruise, prominent Scientologist, had a squirrel removed from his rectum!!! -- K. %% Well, no, because cancelleresca corsiva was invented for papal briefs, and since I'm a Pope and I wear briefs, I'd like to keep the chancery. Besides, it's one of the easiest forms of formal calligraphy to write, and I don't want to have to learn the difficult turned-pen stuff. -- K. %% P.S. I'm pushing for the GIF standard to include a 257th color. All they'd need to ad would be a fraction of a ninth bit. -- K. %% > What does Kibo's address mean, anyway? I find it quite enigmatic (as > is much about Kibo...): > kibo@world.std.com It stands for WORLD STanDards COMmittee. You see, we're the people who decided that the light that comes out from between escalator steps should ALWAYS be that shade of mouthwash-green. We also did away with brown ballpoint ink a few years ago. We run your world from ours. -- K. %% You touch it. Your body rubs against it. It's mildew! -- This haiku was brought to you by a Tilex commercial. %% That's nothing. alt.religion.kibology is being beamed to the universe through communications satellites at this very moment. IMMINENT DEATH OF THE NET AT THE HANDS OF SLIMY GREEN THINGS PREDICTED! -- K. %% "You can make bread crumbs in a plastic bag!" -- Robin "The Bad Lt. Saavik" Curtis %% Also, Antarctica should annex the Moon. -- K. %% Big fat hairy deal. Here we have: * Spam Clear (and Spam Clear With Marshmallows And Pineapple) * Yellow Pepsi (remember, urine ISN'T carbonated) * Dog Dianetics ("Woof woof woof? Page 725.") * Mr. Cheez Whiz Head and the entire Cheez Whiz Head family. * Janitor In A Baggie (fresh.) -- K. %% +-----------+ | | | KEEP THAT | | IN MIND | | | +-----------+ These yellow posters have appeared on the construction barricade down the street from me. But what does it mean? -- K. %% Botulinonia (n.) The act of using a sausage as a dildo. -- K. %% Kibozos is by far the best word anyone has EVER thought of for ANYTHING. -- K. %% Subject: Coolest login and machine name of the week. # Wrapped by koreth@gerbilmeister on Thu Mar 4 10:04:52 1993 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ -- K. %% [] World's trn thread daemon is screwed up so that when I try to read alt.religion.kibology, it shows me alt.romance.chat instead. alt.religion.kibology 307 articles a IO11283@MAINE.MA 3 >Tush contest... William J. Buse 2 >snow and cheesecake IO11283@MAINE.MA 3 >snugglebunnies- the latest line Adrian B Sys-op 2 >*beep* this is ARC. Not alt.romance.flame The Dazzler 26 >More to think on and take away a IO11283@MAINE.MA 10 >The Prez and the Champagne Jacuzzi... PuterDude 2 >The Prez and various body parts... b Richard Iswara 1 >A Short Story c Julie Salter 5 >A Single Candle d IO11283@MAINE.MA 2 >Answer this question please!! e meffanr@woods.ul 2 >The 14-letter 'S' word... I'm in hell. -- K. %% I refuse to post to alt.slack. Alt.slack is for Bobbies and Dupes. -- K. %% tob@cwis.unomaha.edu (Tob Wood) writes: > FYI, the 82nd (or so) chapter of _Cat's Cradle_ by Kurt Vonnegut Jr. > is entitled "Zah-mah-ki-bo". Look it up. That's nothing. Guess who inspired the character of Bokonon back when Kurt V and I lived in Schenectady's 'burbs. -- K. %% > Is there a basic diff/bet PM and Nazism? Postmodernism is actually a sect of the Church of Christ, based in Boston. Adolf Hitler, however, was an excellent Cubist poet. His most famous poem was "The Safety Dance". -- K. %% ins559n@aurora.cc.monash.edu.au (Andrew Bulhak) writes: > > "In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs." Oh no! I wondered why the police were after me. -- K. %% [] Just heard on WBZ-TV: "HELP IS AVAILABLE FOR MEN WHO BATTER!" Presumably this means that when the man goes to the clinic they hold the woman down while he hits her with the aluminum baseball bat. This must be stopped NOW. -- K. %% ins559n@aurora.cc.monash.edu.au (Andrew Bulhak) writes: > 1994: Steve Jobs announces that NeXT has decided, for financial reasons, to > stop producing NextStep systems software and concentrate on its other software > projects, such as object-oriented extensions for Windows/NT. > > 1995: NeXT drops the system software extension business and concentrates on its > object-oriented database program for Windows/NT. 1996: Kibo purchases NeXT and also wrests control of RCA, Warner, Xerox, and Atari from J. R. "Bob" Dobbs. 1997: Kibo writes NeXTSeX, the first commercial Virtual Reality application that is worth the seven-digit price. 1998: End of civilization, July 5; New Brady Bunch series, July 9. 1999: Moon blown out of Earth orbit, September 13; Martin Landau leads the bellbottom revival. NeXT buys IBM, Apple, and michigan.com. -- K. %% oberle@ariel.lerc.nasa.gov (Lawrence Oberle) writes: > In article <1993Mar18.201245.28543@ils.nwu.edu>, () writes... > >So is there really a soft spot on the tops of babies heads that you can > >poke into like it (the baby's head) was a rotten melon? > > yes Nice to know the good people at NASA spent a few days experimentally verifying this! Hope you used that nice anechoic chamber to dampen the noise. Can you post GIFs? %% I don't know about that, but Gene Roddenberry once said in an interview that the prinicpal Star Trek characters were supposed to represent the seven deadly sins. For instance, McCoy was gluttony (though as it turned out it should have been Scott), Kirk was vanity (bingo for Mr. Hair!), and, correct me if I'm mistaken, but I recall that Spock was sloth. Did you know that the first pilot was an allusion to Populism? For instance, the warp drive represented the Gadsen Purchase, and the flared trousers were Free Silver. -- K. %% PHASE ONE. GLOBAL RMGROUPS FOR ALL USENET GROUPS WILL BE ISSUED ON 4/15/93, 06:00 GMT. A Day Without Usenet shall pass, and it will be a time of rest for government employees. Many will discover life, or at least television. Desperate soc.singles readers will have nervous breakdowns. The world will rotate a full three hundred sixty degrees just the same. -- Kibo, the Happynet Manifesto %% UNDER THE AUSPICES OF THE ALL-WISE LEADER KIBO, THE NEW NETWORK SHALL BE ORGANIZED THUSLY: Three hierarchies encompassing ALL HUMAN DISCOURSE. => nonbozo.* => bozo.* => megabozo.* Existing groups will be moved into the new organization scheme, resulting in nonbozo.news.announce.newusers, bozo.rec.pets, megabozo.talk.bizarre, nonbozo.comp.virus, bozo.alt.sex, megabozo.alt.fan.lemurs, bozo.postmodern, etc., as determined by scientific measurements of the bozosity of the groups, measured by Leader Kibo's Council On Scientific Bozosity and the faculty of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (Troy, NY), world leaders in bozosity assessment. -- Kibo, the Happynet Manifesto %% ********* HAPPYNET: EVERYONE IS EQUALLY EQUAL! ********* To promote EQUALITY and POLITICAL CORRECTNESS (the good kind), Leader Kibo has decided to correct the inequality of the distribution of "personal" groups. Some people, or groups of people, currently are popular enough to have groups named in their honor: alt.weemba, alt.fan.john-palmer, alt.fan.monty-python, alt.fan.dave-barry, alt.fan.mike-jittlov, alt.fan.naked-guy, alt.religion.kibology, alt.fan.alok-vijayvargia, alt.fan.harry-mandel. Because everyone is equal before the eyes of wise Leader Kibo, it was decided that EVERYONE WILL HAVE THEIR OWN GROUP on HappyNet. This will celebrate the global diversity of our users, demonstrating for once and for all that they are all unique, but unique in exactly the same way! -- Kibo, the Happynet Manifesto %% A scientific questionnaire developed specifically for the purpose will be mailed to everyone on the planet. It will read: Dear Citizen Of The New Network, You are being given your own HappyNet group. Its placement will depend on your answer to this simple question. ARE YOU A BOZO? (CHECK EXACTLY ONE) [] YES [] NO I care, Leader Kibo People who answer "yes" will be given groups in bozo.personal.*, and people who answer "no" will be given groups in megabozo.personal.*. People who refuse to answer, or show contempt for the process, will be taken (by the Network Security Patrol) to the Citadel Of Judgment to appear before the Council Of Bozosity, who will examine the person and assign them either bozo.weenie.* or megabozo.weenie.*. -- Kibo, the Happynet Manifesto %% Here are examples of infractions against the unwritten rules of HappyNet, and the punishments the NSPF will bring against the villains. .signature longer than four lines: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110 baud. .signature has giant ASCII graphic: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110 baud on a Braille terminal after having fingers rubbed with sandpaper. Posting an article consisting solely of "Me too!": Poster's legal name is officially changed to "Me Too". Calling a newsgroup a "bboard" or "notesfile": Forced to memorize Webster's Ninth. -- Kibo, the Happynet Manifesto %% Here are examples of infractions against the unwritten rules of HappyNet, and the punishments the NSPF will bring against the villains. Spelling "too" as "to", "it's" as "its", "lose" as "loose", "you're" as "your", or any of the following--"wierd", "Anti-Semetic", "senerio", or "masterbation": Forced to write out Webster's Ninth ten times. Asking what ":-)" means: Drawing, quartering, and turning sideways. Sending a newgroup message without permission of Leader Kibo: Poster is forced to adopt twelve wacky sitcom children. Posting flames outside of a *.flame group: Poster is allowed to read only groups about fluffy puppies. Posting "Please send e-mail, since I don't read this group": Poster is rendered illiterate by a simple trepanation. -- Kibo, the Happynet Manifesto %% Here are examples of infractions against the unwritten rules of HappyNet, and the punishments the NSPF will bring against the villains. *Plonk*ing outside talk.bizarre: Poster is *plonked*--LITERALLY. Asking for people to send cards to Craig Shergold: Poster must answer all of Craig's mail. Posting to aus.* from the USA: Poster is deported to Australia after having a "Kick Me" sign glued to their forehead. Posting an article with a malformed address so that mail bounces when people reply: Poster and/or their admin are sent back to kindergarten. Spelling name in huge script letters: Poster is forced to tattoo HappyNet slogans on their body in huge script letters. -- Kibo, the Happynet Manifesto %% Here are examples of infractions against the unwritten rules of HappyNet, and the punishments the NSPF will bring against the villains. Excess CAPITALIZATION & PUNCTUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Poster is issued a new keyboard without capitals or punctuation. The space bar will be clearly labelled. *Excess*asterisks*in*.signature*: Poster is hit with one shuriken for each asterisk. Articles quoted in followup, but no new semantic content appended: Poster is forced to watch a "Small Wonder" marathon on cable TV. Advertising on the net: Poster is forced to pay Leader Kibo for the advertising time. Asking help for some program but not saying what sort of computer you're using: Poster's computer is reduced to 1K RAM. -- Kibo, the Happynet Manifesto %% Here are examples of infractions against the unwritten rules of HappyNet, and the punishments the NSPF will bring against the villains. Arguing over whose computer is better: Being introduced to Leader Kibo, whose custom Turbissimo MoNDO Zeugma 6866688786/XA/sxe/IV computer is far better than theirs and will make them cry in humiliation. Giving away the secret of "The Crying Game": No punishment. Referring to the NSPF as "The Thought Police": Execution. Humor impairment: Execution. Saying "Imminent death of the net predicted!": Imminent execution of poster predicted. Mentioning Star Trek outside of the Star Trek groups: "Star Trek: The Next Generation" is cancelled, and all tapes of the original series are burned. -- Kibo, the Happynet Manifesto %% I love films & TV shows made in the seventies and set in the future: Space:1999 (disco theme music! bellbottoms on the Moon!) Rollerball (Afros! bell bottoms! Moog squeals as music!) Soylent Green (a "Space War" arcade game!) Then again, seventies shows set in the seventies--The Brady Bunch, Sid & Marty Krofft's Enema O' Bad TV, and so on--are also educational in their own *special* way. -- K. (as Charlton Heston) SPECIAL K IS MADE OF KIBO!!!!!!!!!! %% > TIME WILL TELL LOOK TO THE HEPTAGON!!! -- K. %% I never touch smileys myself, because I'm always deadly serious. -- K. %% You're just jealous because I'm better than Star Trek... and you're *not*. -- K. %% DISCO WHILE THE MOON BURNS!!!!!!!! %% 1) If Kibo were a tree, he would be: a) Dutch Elm b) baobab c) banyan d) binary -- Kibo, The Kibo-Normalized Estimated Personality Test (KNEPT) %% 7) If Kibo were a disease with an acronym, he would be: a) terminal self-deprecation (TSD) b) spontaneously exploding head syndrome (SEHS) c) acquired humor-deficiency syndrome (AHDS) d) what happens when you morph too often (WHWYMTO) -- Kibo, The Kibo-Normalized Estimated Personality Test (KNEPT) %% 10) If Kibo were the final episode of "Cheers", he would be: a) Rebecca marries a plumber for his helper b) Cliff snaps and kills everyone with an Uzi c) Norm drinks too many beers and explodes on the way to the john d) Frazier, crazed by bad cocaine, kills everyone with Cliff's Uzi -- Kibo, The Kibo-Normalized Estimated Personality Test (KNEPT) %% 11) If Kibo were the final episode of "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood", he would be: a) Mr. McFeely runs down Mr. Rogers with his giant tricycle b) Trolley runs down Mr. Rogers when he falls asleep on the tracks c) Mr. Rogers runs down Daniel Striped Tiger with the Museum-go-Round d) Kibo appears to explain the grammatical error in the title -- Kibo, The Kibo-Normalized Estimated Personality Test (KNEPT) %% 12) If Kibo were a recipe from "Reader's Digest", he would be: a) Achy-Breaky Artichoke Hearts b) Cream of Ice Cream Soup c) Lutefisk Whiz d) Tomato Surprise -- Kibo, The Kibo-Normalized Estimated Personality Test (KNEPT) %% 15) If Kibo were a "Twilight Zone" cliche', he would be: a) Man goes back in time, becomes own grandfather. b) Handsome man in suit is really Satan. c) Talking dummy scares the plaid pants off ventriloquist. d) Rod Serling twitches a lot. -- Kibo, The Kibo-Normalized Estimated Personality Test (KNEPT) %% 16) If Kibo were a nonsense word, he would be: a) sil b) woxwox c) bazpacho d) Kibo -- Kibo, The Kibo-Normalized Estimated Personality Test (KNEPT) %% 18) If Kibo were question #18, he would be about: a) What kind of protozoan Kibo would be. b) What kind of Lego brick Kibo would be. c) What kind of operation Kibo would be. d) What kind of masking tape Kibo would be. -- Kibo, The Kibo-Normalized Estimated Personality Test (KNEPT) %% Kibo is the space between the doughnut holes. -- K. %% > Kibo just "is" Am not! -- K. %% WE HAVE OUR NEW SLOGAN! "True boredom goes only away from Kibo." Thank you, Herr Gritzner. You are a true believer. Blessings of the state. Blessings of the masses. Buy. Bye. -- K. %% [obligatory alt.sex.bondage/alt.religion.kibology cross-post as required by libido] The Quote of the Week: FEEL ME! I'M 100% RUBBER -- sticker on my new flashlight %% Although I am fundamentally composed of billions and billions of kiboons, they are neither good nor bad. It's how I use them that's bad. -- K. %% [] I just realized I don't know if I'm eating the genoa or the hard salami! Are you eating the hard salami? I thought as much, perverts. -- K. %% [] It would be really cool to slice a pepperoni the *long* way. Then you could use it on a bacon cheeseburger. It would be cooler if they made ring-shaped sausages so that you could slice them and fit them on your bagel perfectly. -- K. %% > I REALLLLLY love this guy, but he is in jail for 35 years for credit > card fraud. He says we can get married now by mail order, but i think > he's just trying to get into my pants. What should I do? Then mail him the damn pants! Next! -- K. %%