Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy quotes
%%
"Who was that?"
"Who--the man with the five heads ant the elderberry bush full of kippers?"
"Yes."
"I don't know.  Just someone."
"Ah."
-- Arthur and Ford, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
And remember: the address was s39262@kaira.hut.fi, NOT the one from
for sending hitch hikers quotes to.
%%
>consult guide about the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
The Hitchhiker's Guide is a wholly remarkable product. But then again you
must already know that, since you bought one.
%%
>consult guide about towels
A towel is the most useful thing (besides the Guide) a Galactic hitchhiker
can have. Its uses include travel, combat, communications, protection from
the elements, hand-drying and reassurance. Towels have great symbolic
value, with many associated points of honour. Never mock the towel of
another, even if it has little pink and blue flowers on it. Never do
something to somebody else's towel that you would not want them to do to
yours. And, if you borrow the towel of another, you MUST return it before
leaving their world.
%%
>consult guide about fluff
Fluff is interesting stuff: a deadly poison on Bodega Minor, the diet
staple of Frazelon V, the unit of currency on the moons of the Blurfoid
system, and the major crop of the laundry supplies planet, Blastus III.
One ancient legend claims that four pieces of fluff lie scattered around
the galaxy; each forming one-quarter of the seedling of a tree with amazing
properties, the sole survivor of the tropical planet Fuzzbol (Footnote 8).
The ultimate source of fluff is still a mystery, with the scientific
community torn between the Big Lint Bang theory and the White Lint Hole
theory.
>footnote 8
It's not a very good legend, is it?
>yes
That was just a rhetorical question.
%%
>consult guide about Earth
Mostly harmless.
%%
>consult guide about space
If you hyperventilate and then empty your lungs, you will last about thirty
seconds in the vacuum of space. However, because space is so vastly hugely
mind-bogglingly big, getting picked up by another ship within those thirty
seconds is almost infinitely improbable.
%%
>consult guide about matter transference beams
A thoroughly unpleasant means of travelling which involves tearing you
apart in once place and slamming you back together in another. (Of course,
it's better than the older method, where disassembled people would be
transmitted down phone lines and arrive in a garbled and sometimes
completely disconnected state.) You should have a drink or two or three
before going through one. Also see the entries on Galaxia Woonbeam,
Alcohol, and Protein.
%%
>consult guide about Galaxia Woonbeam
Galaxia Woonbeam is the author of "Slimmer's Guide to Weightloss During
Matter Disassembly Transition." This text is currently the subject of the
biggest suit for criminal negligence damages in history and is unavailable
at this time.
%%
>consult guide about alcohol
Alcohol, in addition to its familiar enjoyable effects, also helps cushion
the shock of matter transference beams.
%%
>consult guide about protein
Sources of protein, such as the common peanut, are carried by all serious
hitchhikers. Protein loss occurs in matter transference beams and you will
become groggy unless you replace it immediately.
%%
>consult guide about Vogons
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Vogons, whose specialties are bureaucracy and planet-smashing, are the most
unpleasant race in the galaxy. They wouldn't think twice about throwing
someone into space, and wouldn't lift a finger to save their own
grandmother from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. Also see the
entries on Vogon poetry and the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
%%
>consult guide about Vogon poetry
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Vogon poetry is so awful that even the Sarkopsi of Burphon XII, whose
religion strictly forbids the taking of one's life, consider suicide a
preferable alternative to a Vogon poetry reading.
%%
>consult guide about Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is a mind-bogglingly stupid animal.
It has almost no capacity for learning from experience and is therefore
surprised by virtually everything that happens to it. Here is an example of
how stupid it is: it thinks that if you can't see it, it can't see you.
Its behavior would be quite endearing if it wasn't spoilt by this one
thing: it is the most violently carnivorous creature in the Galaxy. Avoid,
avoid, avoid.
%%
>consult guide about babel fish
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
A mind-bogglingly improbable creature. A babel fish, when placed in one's
ear, allows one to understand any language.
%%
>consult guide about Santraginean mineral water
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
A strong body of opinion holds that this is not water at all, despite the
claims on the label about how pure the spring is, and all that tosh about
sparkling babbling brooks and so on. There is something highly suspect
about the water on Santraginus Five, as anyone who's ever met any of their
fish will tell you.
%%
>consult guide about Electronic Sub-Etha Auto Hitching Thumb
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
The Electronic Sub-Etha Auto Hitching Thumb is a wonderful thing, but
should not be mistreated. If used while a ship is near, you will be
transported there. If no ship is in the vicinity, you will place a heavy
strain on the Thumb's logic circuits, which could lead to malfunction. The
Thumb carries the usual Sirius Cybernetics Corporation lifetime guarantees.
%%
>consult guide about Nutrimat
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
A typically unreliable Sirius Cybernetics Corporation product, the Nutrimat
analyses the user's neural paths to provide the (supposedly) ideal
offering. Its computing power is frankly abysmal, so the optional computer
interface is a good thing to go for.
%%
>consult guide about screening door
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
These Sirius Cybernetics Corporation doors screen visitors for such
qualities as intelligence and ability to time travel. Also see the entries
on Sirius Cybernetics Corporation, Genuine People Personalities,
Intelligence, and Time Travel.
%%
>consult guide about SCC
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation incompetently produces a wide range of
inefficient and unreliable high-tech machinery. However, thanks to SCC's
ruthless marketing division, this junk accounts for over 95
high-tech machinery sold in the galaxy. (SCC's marketing division will be
the first against the wall when the revolution comes.)
%%
>consult guide about GPP
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Genuine People Personalities are a misguided attempt by the Sirius
Cybernetics Corporation to make their machines behave more like people.
Among the more miserable failures: paranoid-depressive robots and
over-protective computers.
%%
>consult guide about intelligence
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:

Thirty million generations of philosophers have debated the definition of
intelligence. The most popular definition appears in the Sirius Cybernetics
Corporation android manuals: "Intelligence is the ability to reconcile
totally contradictory situations without going completely bonkers -- for
example, having a stomach ache and not having a stomach ache at the same
time, holding a hole without the doughnut, having good luck and bad luck
simultaneously, or seeing a real estate agent waive his fee."
%%
consult guide about time travel
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Sorry, that portion of our Sub-Etha database was accidentally deleted last
night during a wild office party. The lost data will be restored as soon as
we find someone who knows where the back-up tapes are kept, if indeed any
are kept at all.
%%
>consult guide about Zaphod Beeblebrox
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Zaphod Beeblebrox is the current President of the Galaxy.
%%
>consult guide about Heart of Gold
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
There is absolutely no such spaceship as the Heart of Gold and anything
you've ever read in this spot to the contrary was just a prank.
  -- Galactic Security Agency
%%
>consult guide about Galactic Security Agency
Suddenly, agents of the Galactic Security Agency pop in using Sub-Etha
belts, rough you up a bit, tell you there's no such thing as the Galactic
Security Agency and never to consult The Hitchhiker's Guide about the
Galactic Security Agency again; then they leave.
%%
>consult guide about improbability physics
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Scientists have long known how to produce FINITE amounts of improbability,
using a finite Improbability Generator, an atomic vector plotter and a good
source of Brownian motion. Recently, however, they have learned to generate
INFINITE amounts, thanks to the invention of the Infinite Improbability
Generator. It is rumored that an Infinite Improbability Drive, based on
this new generator, is currently under development. Also see the entries on
atomic vector plotter and Brownian motion.
%%
>consult guide about atomic vector plotter
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
The atomic vector plotter is one of the primary application devices of
Improbability Physics.
%%
>consult guide about Brownian motion
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
The best randomness generator is simple Brownian motion. Any hot gas or
liquid is a good source.
%%
>consult guide about Magrathea
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
According to legend, Magrathea was a planet that amassed incredible wealth
by manufacturing other planets. The legends also mention it as the setting
of the very eagerly awaited second Infocom Hitchhiker's game.
%%
>consult guide about Damogran
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Damogran is a planet whose surface is mostly water. It is a favorite spot
for Presidential dedication ceremonies. Also see the entries on France.
%%
>consult guide about France
France is the largest landmass on the planet Damogran.
%%
>consult guide about Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
The best drink in existence; somewhat like having your brains smashed out
by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick.
%%
>consult guide about peril-sensitive sunglasses
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
A must for the serious hitchhiker, peril-sensitive sunglasses darken at the
first hint of danger, thus shielding the wearer from seeing anything
alarming. Recommended brand: Joo Janta.
%%
>consult guide about walking
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
If you have to consult the Guide about that, you're probably in serious
shape. Consult a medic instead.
%%
>consult guide about small plug
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Part of a spare Improbability Drive.
%%
>consult guide about large plug
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Part of a spare Improbability Drive.
%%
>consult guide about small receptacle
Part of an atomic vector plotter.
>consult guide about long dangly bit
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database
with the following entry:
Part of an atomic vector plotter.
%%
>consult guide about Infocom
Mostly harmless.
%%
>consult guide about Douglas Adams
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually comes up
with the following entry:
Mostly harmless.
%%
>consult guide about Steven Meretzky
Mostly harmless.
%%
>consult guide about Great Unanswered Question
That is one of the Great Unanswered Questions. For a list of the others,
consult the Guide.
%%
T.F. Eccles
A froody dude who knows where his towel is.
%%
".... For my purpose holds;
To sail beyond the sunset, and the light
Of all the western stars, until I die."
               Tennyson
%%
"And what's this fish doing in my ear?
        Arthur Dent.
%%
[Clear the throat]
   Oh freddled gruntbuggly
   Thy micturations are to me
   As plurdled gabbleblotchits
   On a lurgid bee

   Fook,I implore thee
   With thy foonting turlingdromes
   And drangle me hooptiously
   In thy blindlewurdles

   Or I will rend thee
   In the Gobberwarts
   With my blurglecruncheon
   And see if I don't!

 "In the uttermost West I was Olorin,In the South I am Incanus,
  among the elves I am Mithrandir,in the North I am Gandalf.
   To the East,I go not"-rough Tolkien quote from Gandalf. 
%%
Now I lay me down to bed;
Darkness won't engulf my head.
I can see by infra-red.
How I hate the night.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
Try to count electric sheep.
Sweet dream wishes you can keep.
How I hate the night.
%%
Share and enjoy,
Share and enjoy,
Journey through life with a plastic boy or
Girl by your side, let your pal be your guide,
And when it breaks down or starts to annoy or
Grinds when it moves and give you no joy,
When it eats up your hat, has sex with your cat,
                          [never was sure about that line...]
Sprays fire on your wall and rips off your door
And you get to the point you can't stand any more -
Bring it to us, we won't give a fig;
We'll tell you... (da da daaa)
Go stick your head in a pig (da da daaa).
%%
"Correct! You may press the button."
"Even if it matters, does it matter that it matters?"
"Bring the robot, Arthur ... we might be able to bury him somewhere ..."
"Put your analyst on danger money, baby."
"Theres no ground, Ford... Some cat's taken the ground away..."
"What did you expect me to say? Quite a good likeness, except the nose is a
bit bent? And those noxious, streaky substances down my face are less than
lifelike."
"If you enjoyed the experience of this drink, why not share it with your
friends?"
"O.K, I'll be the Vogons! When you hear the beep, just - OEARREOOWRGH! Er,
could you try to be a bit more relaxed about this, guys?"
"You always overcompensate for your injuries. I'm thinking of having my whole
body surgically removed."
" The only doctors still in business were the psychiatrists, purely  because
nobody had discovered a cure for the universe as a whole, or at least the only
one that did exist had been abolished by the medical doctors ... it was
realised that nothing turned a moderately talented musician into a towering
genius faster than encroaching deafness; and, similarly, nothing turned a
perfectly normal, sound individual into a brilliant political or military
leader faster than irreversible brain damage."
%%
"Vell, Zaphod's chust zis guy, you know?" - Gag Halfrunt, Private Brain
Care Specialist".
%%
Not sure if it's letter-perfect, that's a phonetic interpre

What am I talking about - I have the book right here!

OK, the "chust" is "just", and there's no comma, but apart from that,
it's exact!
%%
"Life - loath it or ignore it, you can't like it."  - Guess who?
%%
"Nuts to your white mice" - Zaphod (SNAG eh?)
%%
"So this is it, we are going to die." - Arthur.
%%
"Is there any tea on this spaceship?" - Arthur.
%%
"We only ever had the one sun at home.  I came from a planet called
Earth you know." - Arthur.
%%
"If you'd call it a robot.  It's more a sort of electronic sulking
machine." - Arthur.
%%
"I seem to be having tremendous difficulties with my lifestyle." -
Arthur.
%%
"Now see here, guy!  You're not dealing with any dumb two-bit
trigger-pumping morons with low hairlines, little piggy eyes and no
conversation, we're a couple of intelligent caring guys that you'd
probably quite like if you met us socially!  I don't go around
gratuitously shooting people and then bragging about it afterwards in
seedy space-ranger bars, like some cops I could mention!  I go around
shooting people gratuitously and then I agonize about it afterwards for
hours to my girlfriend!" - Policeman from Blagulon Kappa.
%%
"I'm a great fan of science, you know" - Slartibartfast.
%%
"So long and thanks for all the fish" - departing dolphins.
%%
"After all with a degree in Maths(sic) and another in astrophysics(sic)
what else was there to do?  It was either that or the dole queue again
on Monday." - Trillain
%%
"Does anyone know why Arthur can't turn on the Improbability Drive?  I
said <yelling> does anyone know ..." - Trillian
%%
"Hi there!  this is Eddie your shipboard computer, and I'm feeling just
great, guys, and I know I'm going to get a bundle of kicks out of any
program you care to run tthrough me." - Eddie.
%%
"When you walk through the storm hold your head up high"
"And don't be afraid of the dark!"
"At the end of the storm is a golden sky
"And the sweet silver song of the lark.
"Walk on through the wind
"Walk on through the rain
"Though your dreams be tossed and blown"
"Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
"And you'll never walk alone."
"You'll ne...ver... walk ... alone!" - Eddie.
%%
"Well the hours are good, but now you come to mention it, most of the 
actual minutes are pretty lousy" - Vogon guard.
%%
"No, not really.  But I'll mention it to my Aunt." - Vogon guard.
%%
"And wow!  Hey!  What's this thing suddenly coming towards me very fast?
Very very fast.  So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding
name like ... ow ... ound ... round ... ground!  That's it!  That's a
good name - ground!  I wonder if it will be friends with me?" - A very
surprised sperm whale.
%%
"Oh no, not again" - a bowl of petunias, aka Agrajag.
%%
"I could have more fun in a cat litter" - Ford.
%%
"Forty-two!  Is that all you've got to show for seven and a half million
year's work?" - Loonquawl.
%%
"If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and
expain that it's vitally important that you get away before your phone
bill arrives." - Douglas Adams.
%%
"Well I think this is perfectly normal behavior for a Vogon, you
know?  The natural and healthy channeling of the aggressive instincts into
senseless acts of violence."        -G
%%
"That is what you always say."      -J
%%
"Well again.  I think that this is perfectly normal behavior for a
psychiatrist.  Good.  We are clearly both very well adjusted in our mental
attitudes today."                   -G
%%
[...Zaphod et al aboard the discovered Heart of Gold...]
"Ah, yes.  I had been expecting this.  It is most regretable."  -G
"A personal friend?"                -J
"Ah no, in my profession you know, we do not make personal friends." -G
"Ah.  Professional detachment."     -H
"No.  We just don't have the knack.  But Beeblebrox you know, he is one of my
most profitable clients.  He has personality problems beyond the dreams of
analysts."                          -G
"Destroy the ship immediately."     -G
"What about Beeblebrox?"            -H
"Well, Zaphod's just this guy, you know?" -G
"Attack!"                           -H
%
ARTHUR This must be Thursday.  I never could get the hang of Thursdays.
%%
And this is his sofa, is it?
%%
You barbarians!  I'll sue the council for every penny it's got!  I'll have you
hung, drawn and quartered!  And whipped!  And boiled... until...  until...
until you've had enough.  And then I'll do it again!  And when I've finished I
will take all the little bits, and I will jump on them!  And I will carry on
jumping on them, until I get blisters, or I can think of anything even more
unpleasant to do, and then...
%%
Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?
%%
My God, you're talking about a positive mental attitude and you haven't even
had your planet demolished today.  I woke up this morning and thought I'd have
a nice relaxed day, do a bit of reading, brush the dog...  It's not just after
four in the afternoon and I'm already being thrown out of an alien spaceship
six light-years from the smoking remains of the Earth!
%%
I seem to be having this tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle...
%%
The difficulty with this conversation is that it's very different from most
of the ones I've had of late.  Which, as I explained, have mostly been with
trees.
%%
Dark, no light.
%%
This is terrific, Nelson's Column has gone, McDonald's has gone, all that's
left is me and the words Mostly Harmless.  Any second now all that will be
left is Mostly Harmless.  And yesterday the planet seemed to be going so well.
%%
Ah.  This is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't
previously aware of.
%%
I'm confused.
%%
Has the world always been like this, or have I been too wrapped up in myself
to notice?
%%
EDDIE Hi there!  this is Eddie your shipboard computer, and I'm feeling just
great, guys, and I know I'm going to get a bundle of kicks out of any program
you care to run tthrough me.
%%
It'll all end in tears, I know it.
%%
FORD ...and then I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks.  I kept
myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic.
%%
Time is an illusion.  Lunctime doubly so.
%%
You just come along with me and have a good time.  The Galaxy's a fun place.
You'll need to have this fish in your ear.
%%
Goosnargh.

Alright, how would you react if I said that I'm not from Guildford after all,
but from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?
%%
Africa was very interesting.  I behaved very oddly there.
%%
But that's not the point!  The point is that I am now a perfectly safe 
penguin, and my colleague here is rapidly running out of limbs!
%%
Drink up.  The world's about to end.
%%
Why not go mad?
%%
Well, I mean, YES idealism, YES the dignity of pure research, YES the pursuit
of truth in all its forms, but there comes a point I'm afraid where you begin
to suspect that if there's all REAL truth, it's that the entire multi-
dimensional infinity of the Universe is almost certainly being run by a bunch
of maniacs.  And if it comes to a choice between spending yet another 10
million years finding that out, and on the other hand just taking the money
and running, then I for one could do with the exercise.
%%
But Beeblebrox you know, he is one of my most profitable clients.  He has
personality problems beyond the dreams of analysts.

Vell, Zaphod's just zis guy, you know?
%%
Oh freddled gruntbuggly thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gambleblochits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee my foonting turlingdromes.
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecrunchendon,
	see if I don't!
Bleem miserable venchit, Bleem forever mestinglish asunder frapt.
gashee morphosite thou expungiest quopisk.
fripping lyshus wimbgunts awilst moongrovenly kormzibs
Gerond withoutitude form into formless bloit, why not then? moose.
%%
All planet leave is cancelled.  I've just had an unhappy love affair, so I
don't see why anyone else should have a good time.
%%
People of Earth, your attention please.  This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the
Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council.  As you will no doubt be aware, the
plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the 
building of a hyperspatial express route through your star system, and
regrettably your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition.  The process
will take slightly less that two of your Earth minutes.  Thank you.
%%
One always overcompensates for disabilities.  I'm thinking of having my entire
body surgically removed.
%%
I found this.  He says his name's Arthur, but I think he's harmless.
%%
I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed...
%%
Even if it DOES matter, does it matter that it matters?  Zootlewurdle
zootlewurdle zootlewurdle...
%%
What a depressingly stupid machine.
%%
Mr. Dent, some factual information for you.  Have you any idea how much damage
that bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll straight over you?  ...None
at all.
%%
The slightest thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest
possibility of crossing my mind.
%%
How can you tell there's anything out there?  The door's closed.
%%
I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?
%%
Late, as in the late Dentarthurdent.  It's a sort of threat you see.  I've
never been very good at them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective.
%%
Look at me: I design coastlines.  I got an award for Norway.  Where's the
sense in that?  None that I've been able to make out.  I've been doing fjords
all my life.  For a fleeting moment they become fashionable, and I get a major
award. 
%%
Your arrival on the planet has caused considerable excitement.  It has already
been hailed, so I gather, as the third most improbable event in the history
of the Universe.
%%
It's not impossible, just highly improbable.
%%
We are now crusing at a level of two to the power of twenty-five thousand to
one against and falling, and we will be restoring normality just as soon as we
are sure what is normal anyway.  Thank you.  Two to the power of twenty
thousand to one against and falling.
%%
Probability factor of one to one... we have normality, I repeat we have
normality.  Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem.
%%
I demand that I may or may not be Vroomfondel!
%%
Don't try to outweird me - I get stranger things than you free with my
breakfast cereal.
%%
Time is bunk.
%%
Hey, this is terrific!  Someone down there is trying to kill us!
%%
The major problem - one of the major problems, for there are several - one of
the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do
it; or rather or who manages to get people to let them do it to them
To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who must WANT to rule
people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it.  To summarize the
summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on
no account be allowed to do the job.  To summarize the summary of the
summary: people are a problem.
%%
Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to
dinner.
%%
The real Universe arched sickeningly away beneath them.  Various pretend ones
flitted silently by like mountain goats.  Primal light exploded, splattering
space-time as with gobbets of Jell-O.  Time blossomed, matter shrank away.
The highest prime number coalesced quietly in a corner and hid itself away
forever.
%%
Ford and Arthur on Vogon poetry:
"I thought that some of the metaphysical imagery was really particularly
effective.  And er ... interesting rhythmic devices too, which seemed to
counterpoint the ... er ... er ..."
"counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor of the ... er ..."
"... humanity of the ..."
"Vogonity."
"Ah yes, Vogonity (sorry) of the poet's compassionate soul, which contrives
through the medium of the verse structure to sublimate this, transcend that,
and come to terms with the fundamental dichotomies of the other, and one is
left with a profound and vivid insight into ... into ... er ..."
"Into whatever it was the poem was about!"
%%
The story so far:
In the beginning, the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded as a
bad move.
%%
It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
%%
Important Fact from Galactic History, Number One: (reproduced from the
Siderial Daily Mentioner's Book of Popular Galactic History)
The night sky over the planet Krikkit is the least interesting sight in the
entire Universe.
%%
The word bulldozer wandered through his mind for a moment in search of
something to connect with.
%%
The other Shaltanac's joopleberry shrub is always a more mauvy shade of pinky
russet.
%%
"Well I think this is perfectly normal behaviour for a Vogon.  The channelling
of emotions into primitive acts of senseless violence, the-"
"That is precisely what you always say."
"Well I think this is perfectly normal behaviour for a psychiatrist!  Good!
We are both clearly well-adjusted in our mental attitudes today!  So, tell me,
what news of the mission?
%%
They don't have sarcasm on Betelgeuse, and Ford Prefect often failed to notice
it unless he was concentrating.
%%
At that moment the bottom fell out of Arthur's mind.
His eyes turned inside out. His feet began to leak out of the top of his head.
The room folded flat about him, spun around, shifted out of existence and left
him sliding into his own navel.
They were passing through hyperspace.
%%
... one of those most bizarre of mathematical concepts, a recipriversexcluson,
a number whose existence can only be defined as being anything other than
itself.
%%
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is an indispensable companion to all
those who are keen to make sense of life in an infinitely complex and
confusing Universe, for though it cannot hope to be useful or informative on
all matters, it does at least make the reassuring claim that where it is
inaccurate, it is at least definitively inaccurate.  In cases of major
discrepancy, it's always reality that's got it wrong.
%%
The Guide is definitive.  Reality is frequently inaccurate.
%%
One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about
human beings was their habit of continually stating and repeating the obvious,
as in It's a nice day, or You're very tall, or Oh dear you seem to have fallen
down a thirty-foot well, are you alright? At first Ford had formed a theory to
account for this strange behaviour. If human beings don't keep exercising
their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months'
consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favour of a new one.
If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start
working. After a while he abandoned this one as well as being obstructively
cynical and decided he quite liked human beings after all, but he always
remained desperately worried about the terrible number of things they didn't
know about.
%%
"I think someone's drunk," muttered a purple bushlike being into his
wineglass.
%%
Arthur felt happy.  He was terribly pleased that the day was for once working
out so much according to plan.  Only twenty minutes ago he had decided he
would go mad, and now here he was already chasing a Chesterfield sofa across
the fields of prehistoric Earth.
%%
There is an art, or, rather, a knack to flying.
The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Pick a nice day and try it.
The first part is easy.
All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your
weight, and the willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt.
That is, it's going to hurt if you fail to miss the ground.
Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying properly,
the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard.
Clearly, it is this second part, the missing, which presents the difficulties.
%%
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy offers this definition of the word
"Infinite."
Infinite:  Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some.  Much bigger
than that in fact, really amazingly immense, a totally stunning size, real
"wow, that's big," time.  Infinity is just so big that, by comparison,
bigness itself looks really titchy.  Gigantic multiplied by colossal
multiplied by staggeringly huge is the sort of concept we're trying to get
across here.
%%
"So we're not home and dry," he said.
"We could not even be said," replied Ford, "to be home and vigorously
towelling ourselves off."
%%
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the
Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another which states that this has already happened.
%%