Fawlty Towers quotes %% Basil: I'm so sorry, he's from Barcelona. %% Basil: I was up at five, you know, we do have staff problems, I'm so sorry, it's all done by magic. %% Sybil: How much did it cost? Basil: Oh, I don't know...(vaguely)..fifteen? Sybil: Forty. Basil: (vaguely) Forty... %% Basil: I mean, have you _seen_ the people in room six? They've never even sat on chairs before. %% Sybil: Fill this in, would you sir? Basil: (quietly) If you _can_. %% Sybil: What are you doing? Basil: I'm kissing you, dear. Sybil: Well, don't. %% (The phone rings) Basil: Could somebody answer that, please? (it goes on ringing) ...Hallo! Is there nobody who can answer that? There must be _someone_... (Manuel runs in and heads for the phone) Not you. %% Basil: Hello, Lord Melbury!...BASTARD!!!!! %% Basil: Ah now Manuel! While we're away... Manuel: (proudly) One moment, please, I will get your bill! (he bows) Basil: What? Manuel: I will get your bill. Si? Basil: What are you talking about? Manuel: Listen, please...Today..we have veef, beal or sothahhhes! Basil: What?! Manuel: Bang..hhhers. Basil: Shut up. Manuel: Que? Basil: Shut up! Manuel: Oh, si, si,'Shut up'. Yes, I understand, yes. Basil: Well, will you shut up, then? Manuel: Si, si, I shut up. Basil: While we're _away_... Manuel: Shut up. Basil: SHUT UP! %% Sybil: Now, have I got everything? Basil: (pianissimo) Handbag, knuckle-dusters, flick-knife... %% Basil: ...Oh! Oh, I see!...It's my fault, is it?...Oh, of course, there I was thinking it was your fault because I left you in charge, or _Manuel's_ fault for not waking you, when all the time it was _my_ fault! Oh, it's so obvious now, I've seen the light! Ah well, I must be punished then, mustn't I? (slaps his bottom) You're a naughty boy Fawlty, don't do it again! %% Polly: (banging the phone) Call O'Reilly! Basil: What? Polly: Shall I call him? Basil: No, I'll do it, I'll call him..(he starts dialling) You go and see if the roof's still on. %% Basil: (to phone, silkily) Hallo Mr O'Reilly, and how are you this morning?...Oh, good, good, no rare diseases ar anything? %% Manuel: Where is door? Basil: Ah-ha! Manuel: Door is gone. Door was here. Basil: Where? (Picks Manuel up and slams his head into the wall in three different places) Here?...or here?...or here? %% O'Reilly: Just remember, Mr Fawlty, there's always someone worse off than yourself. Basil: Is there. Well, I'd like to meet him. I could do with a laugh. %% O'Reilly: ...I tell you, if the Good Lord... Basil: Is mentioned once more, I shall move you closer to him. %% Basil: There! Look at that! That's Stubbs for you. Mind you, I warned you! But still...a reputable builder like that! Choh! Tch,tch,tch. Sybil: ...Stubbs? Basil: Wicked. Tch. Sybil: Where's O'Reilly, Basil? Basil: (to himself) Criminal...(to Sybil) Hmmm? Sybil: Where's O'Reilly? Basil: O'Reilly? Sybil: Yes, O'Reilly. Basil: Sybil, you never cease to amaze me. Just because of this, you automatically assume that it has to be O'Reilly, right? You just assume that I have been lying all along! I mean, _why_ O'Reilly? Sybil: Because his van's outside. %% Basil: (shouting into phone) Is that someone there trying to pretend that they're from Mr Stubbs's Company?!!...What sort of game do you think you're playing? I mean, really! (slams phone down) Would you believe what some of these people will do, Sybil? Sybil: I am going to make you regret this for the rest of your life, Basil. Basil: Well fair enough, dear. But I think Stubbs is partly to blame... %% Basil: Oh, _don't_ smile. %% Basil: (calling after Sybil) Have a nice day, dear! Don't drive over any mines or anything! %% Basil: Ah, forMIDable. %% Basil: Please don't alarm yourself. That's only my wife laughing. I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed. %% Basil: Did you ever see that film, "How to Murder your Wife"? Major: How to murder your wife? Basil: Yes. Awfully good. I saw it six times. (to Sybil) Very funny. %% Miss Gatsby: It must be the heat. Miss Tibbs: Yes, he's getting taller, isn't he? %% Basil: Please don't go on my account, Mr Turnip. %% Basil: I'm sorry, did I say something funny? Polly: No, I was just looking... Basil: No, no, obviously I've said something frightfully comic. Polly: No, it's just the heat. Basil: Well as long as I amuse the staff, I mean that's all I'm here for. %% Basil: (to phone) Hallo, Fawlty Titties? %% Jean: Has it got a breeze? Basil: Has it got a _breeze_? Jean: Is it airy? Basil: Well, it's got air _in_ it. %% Basil: It's against the law. Alan: What law? Basil: The law of England. Nothing to do with me. %% Basil: (to the departing Sybil) If you were my size... %% Basil: Batteries, eh? Do you know something? You disgust me! I know what people like you get up to, and I think it's _disgusting_. %% Basil: Oh, I can't stand it any more. I'll go and clean the roof or something... %% Basil: How's Audrey? Sybil: She's in a terrible state. Basil: (absently) Ah, good, good. %% Sybil: (OOV) Basil, are you alright? Basil: No, I'm dying, but don't get out of bed. %% Sybil: Tell them you made a mistake. Basil: Oh, brilliant. Is that what made Britain great? 'I'm so sorry, I made a mistake'. What have you got for a brain - spongecake? %% Mrs Peignoir: Your wife shouldn't leave you alone with strange women. Basil: Oh, I wouldn't call you _that_ strange. %% Basil: Shut up, will you, you silly great tart! Go away! My wife will hear us! Sybil: This _is_ your wife. %% Basil: Darling, when you've finished, why don't you go and have a nice lie down? %% Hutchinson: I don't understand this, where is the Post Office? Basil: It's there, where it says 'Post Office'. I'm sorry if it's confusing. %% Hutchinson: Excuse me, excuse me, in how many minutes does luncheon commence, please? Basil: Here, I'll write it down. %% Major: There's a psychiatrist in the hotel. Basil: Yes, I know. Major: You _know_? Basil: Yes. Major: Oh! Well apparently he's dressed up as a guest. Basil: Well, he _is_ a guest, Major. (the Major wanders off; to himself) Perhaps he _has_ come to get you. %% Basil: Oh dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again?...Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmmm? Or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears? %% Hutchinson: Now, is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast? Basil: Why don't you talk properly? %% Basil: Well I can assure you, they were perfectly fresh when they were frozen. %% Basil: Well, _this_ isn't table five, is it? (sees the plastic table number, it says 'five') Tch. %% Walt: Well, I did ask the waiter. Basil: Well he's hopeless isn't he. You might as well ask the cat. %% Sybil: (sweetly) How are you getting along with your hotel inspector? Basil: ...Fine. Fine. Sybil: He sells spoons. %% Basil: No, he didn't, he did not order this, Poll, so why..has..he.. ..got..one? Polly: Because Mrs Fawlty told me to _give_ him one. Basil: I know how she feels. %% Basil: I'm afraid most of the people we get in here wouldn't know a Bordeaux from a claret... %% Hutchinson: I mean, all I wanted was a cheese salad. It wasn't as though I'd ordered an _elephant's ear on a bun_, was it? %% Basil: (happily) Ah ha ha ha ha. Hutchinson: Did I say something _funny_, Mr Fawlty? Basil: Well, sort of _pithy_, I suppose. %% Basil: Now go away. If you ever come back I shall kill you. %% Basil: Oh never mind, right, leave it to me, _I'll_ do it! (He strides towards the hotel) _I'll_ mend the car, _I'll_ answer the phone, then you can all handcuff and blindfold me and I'll clean the windows... %% Basil: Yes. Do you win a bun if you guess what it is? %% Sybil: You still here, Basil? Basil: No, I went a couple of minutes ago dear, but I expect I'll be back soon. %% Basil: Why don't you have another vat of wine, dear? %% Mrs Heath: He's very clever, rather highly strung. Basil: Yes, yes, he should be. %% Ronald: They're the wrong shape. Basil: Oh dear..what shape do you usually have? Mickey Mouse shape? Smarties shape? Amphibious landing craft shape? Poke in the eye shape? %% Basil: Thursdays? Right. And on all the other nights we'll just have a big trough of baked beans and garnish it with a couple of dead dogs. %% Basil: Get a clean one. Manuel: Is clean now. Basil: (wiping spoon on Manuel's hair) Is dirty now. %% Miss Tibbs: What are you cooking? Basil: I'll send you up a menu with your bread and cheese. %% Basil: Well, how is that lovely daughter of yours? Sybil: (quietly) She's _dead_. Basil: (examining the Colonel's lapel keenly) I like your suit. Isn't it super. The way those stripes go up and down. Really super. How much did that cost, then? %% Sybil: (stunned) I don't believe it! Basil: Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. (He bangs his head hard on the desk ; nothing happens) Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck with it. %% Sybil: Can I help? Basil: Yes. Go and kill yourself. %% Basil: Come on, start, will you?!! Start, you vicious bastard!!! Come on! Oh, my God!! I'm warning you - if you don't start...(screams with rage) I'll count to three. (He presses the starter, without success) One..two..three!!! Right! That's it! (he jumps out of the car and addresses it) You've tried it on just once too often! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line to you _time_ and _time_ again! Right! Well..this is it! I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing! %% Basil: This one? (holds up pink bed-jacket) Sybil: That's not blue. Basil: Well, it's got blue things _on_ it. Sybil: They're flowers, and I didn't ask for the one with flowers, did I? Basil: No, you didn't, quite right. I only picked that one up to annoy you, actually. I mean, what have you got all this stuff _for_? You're only here for three days. Are you going to play charades every night? %% Basil: You let me do it. You just lie there with your feet up and I'll go and carry you up another hundredweight of lime creams... %% Basil: Why _do_ they call you 'Sister'? Is it a term of endearment? %% Sister: (seeing Basil) You still here? Basil: Apparently. %% Basil: Yes well, forgive and forget, Major...God knows how, the bastards. %% Basil: (to Sybil, over phone) Anything else? I mean, would you like the hotel moved a bit to the left, or... %% Basil: I wish it was an ingrowing _tongue_. %% (Manuel comes in, beaming, from the kitchen) Basil: Ah, it's the Admirable Crichton. Well? Manuel: You called, sir. Basil: Last week, but not to worry. %% Manuel: ...My hamster? Basil: No, not your hamster! How can I bang a nail in with your hamster? Well, I could try... %% Polly: (to Sybil, over phone) No, he just fell over Manuel...and he seems to have got himself jammed under the swivel chair...and the flowers have just fallen on him...no, everything else is fine. %% Basil: Right, right!! Just stay where you are, because obviously if there _was_ a fire you'd all be standing around here like this in the lobby, wouldn't you?...I don't know why we bother, we should let you all burn... %% Basil: (stares at Sister)...My God, you're ugly, aren't you? %% Sister: I'll get the doctor. (She hurries out) Basil: (calls after her) You need a plastic surgeon dear, not a doctor! %% Basil: Oh, German! I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you. %% Basil: (hissing through his teeth) They're German. Don't mention the War. %% Miss Tibbs: But it was a nasty knock. Basil: Mmmmmmm...would you like one? %% Basil: Right, right, here's the plan. I'll stand there and ask them if they want something to drink before the war...before their lunch.. ...don't mention the war! %% Basil: I am the owner of Fawlty Towers, and may I welcome your war...your wall...you wall..._you all_...Now, would you like to eat first, or would you prefer a drink before the war...ning that trespassers will be -er,er- tied up with piano wire...Sorry! Sorry! (clutches his thigh) Bit of trouble with the old leg...got a touch of shrapnel in the War..._Korean_, Korean War... %% Basil: Oh, prawn, that was it. When you said _prawn_, I thought you said _war_. Oh, the War! Oh yes, completely slipped my mind, yes, I'd forgotten all about it (snaps his fingers) Sorry, what was it again?... %% Basil: Certainly, well, I'll just get your hors d'oeuvres...hors d'oeuvres vich must be obeyed vithout kvestion!...Sorry! Sorry! %% Basil: (whispers to Polly) Don't mention the War..._I_ mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right...(he returns to his guests) So it's all forgotten now and let's hear no more about it. So that's two eggs mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering and four Colditz salads...no,wait a moment, I got a bit confused there, sorry...(one of the German ladies starts to sob) I got a bit confused because everyone keeps mentioning the War, so could you... %% German: Will you stop talking about the war! Basil: Me? You started it! German: We did not start it. Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland... %% Basil: ...here, this'll cheer you up, you'll like this one, there's this woman, she's completely stupid, she can never remember anything, and her husband's in a bomber, over Berlin... %% Basil: Who won the bloody War, anyway ??!!! %% Polly: Manuel, could you lend Mrs Richards your assistance in connection with her reservation. Mrs R: (to Manuel) Now, I've reserved a very quiet room with a bath and a sea view. I specifically asked for a sea view in my written confirmation, so please be sure I have it. Manuel: ...Que? %% Mrs R: What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager's a Mr Watt and he's aged forty. Manuel: No. No. Fawlty. Mrs R: Faulty? What's wrong with him? %% Basil: A satisfied customer. We should have him stuffed. %% Major: Going to have a flutter, Fawlty? Basil: No-o, no, no... Sybil: No, Basil doesn't bet on the horses any more, Major, do you dear? Basil: No dear, I don't. No, that particular avenue of pleasure has been closed off. Sybil: And we don't want it opened up again, do we, Basil? Basil: No, you don't dear, no. %% Major: Why did he kill it, anyway, Fawlty? Basil: I don't know, Major. Better than marrying it. %% Basil: I am the manager as well. Manuel: Manaher! Him manaher! Basil: Shut up. %% Mrs R: You call _that_ a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful. (she moves to the window) Basil: (muttering) I wish _you_ were a mouse, I'd show you. %% Mrs R: (at the window, which has a nice view) And another thing - I asked for a room with a view. Basil: (to himself) Deaf, mad _and_ blind. (goes to window) This is the view as far as I can remember, madam. Yes, this is it. Mrs R: When I pay for a view I expect something more interesting than that. Basil: That is Torquay, madam. Mrs R: Well, it's not good enough. Basil: Well...may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeeste sweeping majestically... %% Mrs R: I'd need a telescope to see that. Basil: Well, may I suggest you consider moving to a hotel closer to the sea. Or preferably _in_ it. %% Mrs R: I'm not satisfied, but I have decided to stay. However, I shall expect a reduction. Basil: Why, because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment? %% Mrs R: The room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible and the radio doesn't work. Basil: No, the radio works. You don't. Mrs R: What? Basil: I'll see if I can fix it, you scabby old bat. %% Mrs R: First they give me a room without a bath, then there's no lavatory paper. Miss Tibbs: Oh! Miss Gatsby: Would you like some of ours? %% Mrs R: Manager! Manager! Basil: (appearing from kitchen) Yes? Testing, testing... %% Mrs P: Didn't you see? Polly: Yes. Mrs P: Didn't God give you eyes? Polly: Yes, but I don't use them 'cos it wears the batteries out. %% Basil: Evening, Terry. (Sings a quick bit of Cav) Do you like Cavallero Rusticana, Terry? Terry: I never had it, Mr Fawlty. %% Basil: De Campdown ladies sing dis song, doo dah, doo dah, de Camptown racetrack five miles long, doo dah doo dah dey. Going to run all night...(Sybil enters) Going to run all day...I'll bet my money on the bob-tail nag...(sees Sybil)..I did it my-y way. Can't stand Frank Sinatra. %% Sybil: You seem very jolly. Basil: Jolly? Sybil: Yes, jolly. Sort of happy. Basil: Oh, 'happy'. Yes, I remember that. %% Sybil: All that dancing about, singing and rubbing your hands. Basil: Just my way of getting through the day, dear. The Samaritans were engaged. %% Basil: (putting his hand round Manuel's throat) It doesn't matter..look.. it doesn't matter..Oh..I could spend the rest of my life having this conversation. Please try to understand before one of us dies. %% Basil: _Don't say anything to anyone about the horse_!!! Manuel: Oh, I _know_ that, you tell me that this morning. Tch! Choh!! (Basil stares. Sybil puts her head around the door.) Sybil: Basil. Basil: (to Manuel) So don't do it again. %% Sybil: It's Mrs Richards. Basil: A fatal accident? %% Sybil: (to Mrs Richards) Did you bang your head? Mrs R: Yes, yes. Basil: You'd better go and lie down before something else happens. %% Mrs R: I can get down the stairs perfectly well by myself. Basil: _Down_ the stairs? Oh well, don't stop when you get to the basement. Give my regards to the earth's core. %% Basil: (offering something he has found on the floor) Is this a piece of your brain? %% Basil: And if you give us any more trouble I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress. %% Basil: Well that was fun, wasn't it dear. The odd moment like that, it's almost worth staying alive for. (Sybil is poker-faced) It's nice to share a moment like that, isn't it dear. It's what marriage is all about. I know, I read it on the back of a matchbox. %% Basil: Seriously, Sybil, do you remember, when we were first...manacled together, we used to laugh quite a lot. Sybil: (pushing him away) Yes, but not at the same time, Basil. %% Basil: Zoom! -what was that? That was your life, mate. Oh, that was quick, do I get another? Sorry mate, that's your lot. %% Sybil: What was the name of the horse? Polly: Er..the name..I've gone blank... (Basil dashes to the dining-room door, behind Sybil. He mouths 'Dragonfly'. Polly stares. He points to Sybil and flaps his hands.) Polly: Bird Brain! %% Sybil: Bird Brain? Polly: No,no, that came in third. (Basil makes flapping movements, then points to Sybil ) Fishwife. %% Basil: ...Would you care for a rat? Or..Just...Just the biscuits then. %% Polly: No, no, not Fishwife. ( Basil points at Sybil, then at his fly.) Small..fly! Flying.. Flying Tart! %% Sybil: If I find out the money on that horse was yours, you know what I'll do, Basil. (she exits upstairs) Basil: (calling after her) You'll have to sew 'em back on first! %% Mrs R: (off, loudly) Watt! Basil: (seeing Mrs Richards) I didn't _say_ anything. %% Basil: They're very busy today. Mrs R: Busy. Tch. (she moves off) Basil: There was a lot of bloodshed at the Nell Gwynn tea-rooms last night. %% Major: ...I always call her Winnie 'cos she looks like Winnie. Basil: ...She's not black! Major: Black? Churchill wasn't black. %% Mrs R: It's ten pounds short. Basil: (dramatically) It's not!! Ten pounds short! Oh my _God_! Don't worry, we'll have a whip-round! (grabs the blind box and shakes it frantically upside-down) %% Mrs R: You're not explaining anything. You're completely loopy. Mad as a March hare. Basil: Yes. Yes, I am, yes, I'm completely loopy. That's why I gave _him_ the money to look after. %% Basil: Tell Mrs Richards. Tell her I had the money yesterday. Manuel: (with pride) Ahem. I know nothing. Basil: What? Manuel: I know nothing. Basil: No, no... Manuel: _Nothing_. %% Basil: You can tell her. Manuel: No, I cannot. Basil: Yes, yes, tell her, tell her, please, please tell her, tell her.. ..I'll kill you if you don't. %% Basil: ...Right. (He opens the till by banging it with his head and takes ten pounds out.) Ten pounds. (He slaps it down on the counter and starts taking his shirt off.) Sybil: What are you doing? Basil: I'm going to give her the shirt off my back too. %% Manuel: (poking his head out of the kitchen) You see, I know nothing. Basil: I'm going to sell you to a vivesectionist. %% Basil: (to phone) ...I've been trying to get through to the speaking clock...Well, it's engaged...Well, it's been engaged for ten minutes. How is this possible, my wife isn't talking to it. %% Sybil: Oh well, you're only single once. Basil: (OOV, from office) Twice can be arranged. %% Basil: (comes in and stares at Johnson who is on the simian side) Have we got enough bananas this week, dear? %% Sybil: Did you hear it, Basil? Basil: What, dear? Sybil: The joke. Basil: Oh, a joke. No, I heard you laughing, I thought perhaps he was having a tea party. %% Sybil: You mean you think he looks like a monkey. Basil: Only from some angles. %% Basil: Sybil, that type would wear a dog turd round its neck if it were made of gold. %% Sybil: It goes back to the dawn of civilization. Basil: Well, by the look of his forehead, so does he. %% Basil: It's hard to imagine Earl Haig wandering around with his shirt open to the waist, covered with identity bracelets. %% Sybil: She has these, well, morbid fears they are really...vans is one... ..rats, doorknobs, birds, open spaces...confined spaces, it's very difficult getting the space right for her really, you know... Mr J: Mmmm. Sybil: Footballs, bicycles, cows..and she's always on about men following her..I don't know what she thinks they're going to do to her... ..vomit on her, Basil says... %% Basil: Attractive woman. How old would you say she was, Sybil? Sybil: Forty-eight, fifty. Basil: Oh now, Sybil... Sybil: I really don't know, Basil. Perhaps she's twelve. %% Basil: Yes, nice to have that kind of person staying, isn't it. Professional class. Educated, civilised...(he looks at Johnson) We've got both ends of the evolutionary scale this week, haven't we. %% Mr J: Is there anywhere they do French food? Basil: Yes, France, I believe. They seem to like it there. And the swim would certainly sharpen your appetite. You'd better hurry, the tide leaves in six minutes. %% Mrs Abbott: I'm a paediatrician. Basil: Feet? Mrs Abbott: Children. Sybil: Oh, Basil! Basil: Well, children have feet, don't they? That's how they move around, my dear. You must take a look next time, it's most interesting. %% Basil: Keep back, keep back. Polly: ...What is it? Basil: ...Abbott... Polly: What's the matter with him? Basil: ..Psychiatrist... %% Sybil: We were talking about Scotland. Basil: Scotland? What's he want to know about Scotland? %% Basil: (pointing to Sybil) This Basil's wife. (Points to himself) This Basil. This...slap on head. %% Basil: (raising his glass to Polly) Well...cheerio. Sybil: (confiscating glass) Cheerio, Basil. Basil: Well, that smelt nice. %% Basil: I'm not nervous. I'm just saying 'take it easy'. All right? All of us. Just take it easy, right? Sybil: What's got into you? Basil: Nothing's got into me. I just said 'take it easy'. Can't I say 'take it easy' without starting a panic? (with increasing mania) I mean, what is going on here? %% Terry: Look, Mr Fawlty, take it easy. Basil: Now look... get one thing clear. All right? You don't tell me to take it easy. I don't pay you to tell me to take it easy. I pay _you_ to take it easy. No - I pay you to _tell_ you to take it easy. So take it easy. All right? %% Basil: He gets paid for sticking his nose... Sybil: Oh, Basil... Basil: No, I'm going to have my say..into people's private..um..details. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger nosing about in my private parts. Details. %% Basil: Hallo! You know, we were at cross purposes just now, there you were talking about sex, and _I_ thought you were talking about walks. Not sex!! Holidays. Holidays. Sex! Ha, ha, ha... %% Basil: We have a Spanish porter - we're training him at the moment... be quicker to train an (loudly, after Johnson) _ape_!! %% Basil: Are you in fact Australian, by any chance, may I ask? Raylene: Oh dear, is my accent that strong? Basil: Oh no, no, no, it's just that you're quite tall, so I thought... %% Miss Tibbs: Did you know there's a psychiatrist staying? Basil: ...Yes, yes I did. Miss Tibbs: Has he come for the Major? %% (Basil advances on Manuel, picks him up, turns him upside-down and shakes him furiously) Basil: I am punishing you for being alive. And as long as you go on being alive, I shall go on... %% (Dr Abbott exits his room. Basil leaps out of the cupboard brandishing a broom.) Basil: Right! The game's up. (he sees who he has confronted; his eyes stray to a spot high on the wall) Up there. Bit of game pie, got stuck up there. %% (Sybil has noticed Basil's finger sticking out of the wardrobe, holding the door shut.) Sybil: Basil. (There is no response. She bangs on the door. The finger disappears rapidly. Basil comes out.) Basil: Oh hallo dear..just checking the doors... %% Basil: Shut up. Sybil: Oh, you've done it now. Basil: No, I haven't, I'm just going to. I'm fed up with you, you... rancorous coiffeured old sow. Why don't you syringe the dough- nuts out of your ears and get some sense into the dormant organ you keep hidden in that rat's maze of yours? %% Basil: Mother Johnson. Mother Johnson. Come out, come out, wherever you are. (a very nice and very elderly lady appears at the door) How do you do, are you enjoying yourself?... %% Mrs J: Well, I really do think they're off. Basil: But you've eaten half of them. Mrs J: Well I didn't notice it at the start. Basil: You didn't notice it at the start? Mrs J: Well, it was the sauce, you see. I wasn't sure. Basil: So you ate half to _make_ sure? %% Basil: Well, only _half_ of it's inedible, apparently. Mr J: Well deduct half now, and if my wife brings the other half up during the night, we'll claim the balance in the morning. %% Mr H: Look, I'm sure your chef knows how to fix me a Waldorf salad, huh? Basil: I wouldn't be _too_ sure. %% Basil: ...Or the grapefruit? Mr H: How's it done? Basil: Well, it's halved, with a cherry in the centre. %% Basil: I _have_ looked. There's no celery, there's no grapes...walnuts! That's a laugh, easier to find a packet of sliced hippopotamus in suitcase sauce than a walnut in this bloody kitchen. %% Sybil: Now we've got apples. Basil: Oh terrific! Let's celebrate. We'll have an apple party. Everybody brings his own apple and stuffs it down somebody's throat. %% Basil: You think I don't know? I mean, you only have to eat here. We have to live with it. I had to pay his fare all the way from Barcelona. But we can't get the staff, you see. It's a nightmare. %% Basil: What is sugar doing in the salt cellar? What do you think we pay you for? Polly: My staying power? %% Terry: The better the kitchen, the filthier it is. Have you read George Orwell's experiences at Maxim's in Paris? Basil: No, do you have a copy? I'll read it out in court! %% Miss Gurke: I'm sorry, but do you think we could cancel our fruit salads? Sybil: Well it's a little tricky, Chef's just opened the tin. %% Sybil: I'm sure you can cope. Basil: Oh, yes, I can cope. Coping's easy. Not pureeing your loved ones, that's the difficult part. %% Basil: It's my turn, is it? Oh yes! So it is. Funny, it's been my turn for fifteen years. Still, when I'm dead it'll be your turn, dear - you'll be 'it'. %% Mr J: (seeing his lambs vanishing) Excuse me, there are two lambs here. Basil: I'll have them removed if they're bothering you. %% Basil: If you'd like them warmed up? Mr J: Forget it. (exits angrily) Basil: You can get your wife to sit on 'em. %% Mr H: Couldn't find the freeway. Had to take a little back street called the M5. Basil: Well I'm sorry it wasn't wide enough for you. A lot of the English cars have steering wheels. %% Mr H: Nine. Nine. Why does your chef stop at nine? Has he got something terminal? %% Mr H: What the hell's wrong with this country? You can't get a drink after three, you can't eat after nine, is the war still on? %% Mr H: Two screwdrivers. Basil: I understand. And you'll leave the drinks. Mr H: What? Basil: Nothing to drink. Mr H: What do you mean, 'nothing to drink'? Basil: Well, you can't drink your screwdrivers, can you? Ha ha. %% Sybil: Mr and Mrs Hamilton were just telling me about California. You can swim in the morning and then in the afternoon you can drive up into the mountains and ski. Basil: Must be rather tiring. %% Mrs H: How long have you been married, Mrs Fawlty? Sybil: Oh, since 1485. %% Mr H: ...Could you make me a Waldorf salad. Basil: ...I think we're just out of Waldorfs. %% Mr H: What I'm suggesting is that this is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe. Major: No! No! I won't have that! There's a place in Eastbourne... what's it's name... %% Mrs J: We're not satisfied. Basil: Well, people like you never are, are you? Mrs J: What? Basil: There is nothing I could do would please a pair like you short of putting straw in the rooms. %% Mr H: And if you move off that spot, Fawlty, I'm going to bust your ass. Basil: Everything's bottoms, isn't it? %% Basil: Well let me put it this way, dear - either they go or I go. (Sybil just looks at him) Right! %% Major: What is it? Mrs Chase: He's a little Chitzu. Major: Is he really?...Oh, dear. What breed is it? %% Basil: If only one could keep them in airtight containers. Major: Wouldn't be able to breathe, would he, Fawlty? Basil: Well he could try, Major, he could try. %% Basil: Anything else for you? Man: Er, no, thank you...it's a bit late and we'd better..get upstairs. Basil: Quite, quite. (to himself) Sorry to have kept you. %% Basil: Good night. (Leeman does not respond) I said, 'Good night'. Leeman: Oh, good night. Basil: That didn't hurt, did it. %% Sybil: He's not feeling very well, Basil. Basil: He only had to say 'Good night', dear. It's not the Gettysburg address. %% Basil: Rosewood, mahogany, teak? Leeman: ...I beg your pardon? Basil: What would you like your breakfast tray made out of? %% Basil: Fine, well you go along and have a really good night's sleep then- I'm hoping to get a couple of hours later on myself... (shouting after Leeman) but I'll be up in good time to serve you your breakfast in bed. (Leeman has now gone) If you can remember to sleep with your mouth open you won't even have to wake up. I'll just drop in small pieces of lightly buttered kipper when you're breathing in the right direction, if that doesn't put you out. (imitates Sybil ; slaps himself on wrist) Basil! %% Mrs Chase: Don't you have dogs in Calcutta? %% Basil: (peering at the kippers) Poisoning is still an offence in this country, you know, Sybil. %% Basil: Are you listening to me...Hello, hello...can anyone hear me? Have I ceased to exist? Have I become invisible? Sybil, Sybil, Sybil... can you see me? Sybil: (looking round at him) No. Basil: Oh, good. Well, I'll go and lie down then. No I won't, I'll go and hit some guests. %% Basil: Oh joy!! Oh, _thank_ you God! Isn't it wonderful!!! Oh, I'm so happy! Hooray! (Polly is trying to restrain him) Hoo...(he turns and sees Dr Price standing there with Sybil) Sad, isn't it. Tch, tch, tch. %% Basil: Yes, it's so final, isn't it. Sybil: Basil! Basil: Well, wouldn't you say it was final, dear, I'd say it was pretty bloody final. %% Basil: If the guest isn't singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" I don't immediately think 'Oh there's another one snuffed it in the night' Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance. I mean, this is a hotel, not the Burma Railway. %% Basil: Well I mean, it does actually say 'hotel' outside, you know. Perhaps I should be more specific. 'Hotel for people who have a better than fifty percent chance of making it through the night'.. ..why are you staring at me like that for? Sybil: (goes over to him; quietly) Basil, there's a kipper sticking out of your jumper. %% Miss Gatsby: You're very cheerful this morning, Mr Fawlty. Basil: (cheerfully) Yes, well one of the guests has just died. %% (Polly slaps Miss Tibbs, who folds up and falls to the floor) Basil: (to Polly) Oh, spiffing! Absolutely spiffing. Well done! Two dead, twenty five to go. %% Basil: ...I mean, do you know what that fire extinguisher _did_? It exploded in my face! I mean, what is the _point_ of a fire extinguisher? It sits there for months, and when you actually have a fire, when you actually _need_ the bloody thing...it blows your head off!! I mean, what is happening to this country? It's _Bloody Wilson_!!!! %% Basil: Major, don't say anything to anyone, but he's dead. Major: Ah!...Shot, was he? %% Major: Fawlty, I...I shouldn't let him lie around here, you know. Basil: No, no, the undertakers are coming to get him. Major: Ah! 'Cos they attract the flies, you see. %% Sybil: What d'you put him _there_ for? Basil: Well, he wouldn't fit in the safe, and all the drawers were full. %% Dr Price: (sitting) I'm having sausages. Manuel: (confiscating the cruet) Is not allowed. Dr Price: Put that back. Look, I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor and I want my sausages. %% Basil: Manuel? Manuel - let me explain. (he pokes Manuel in the eye) You understand? %% Manuel: Mr Fawlty, I no want to work here anymore... %% Sybil: You don't have to worry about Polly forgetting anything important, Basil. Basil: Don't I? Sybil: No, you don't. Basil: Oh good, how splendid. Sybil: No, _she_ doesn't forget things. Basil: ...Doesn't she? Sybil: Well, can you remember the last time she did? Basil: No, but then my memory isn't very good. Sybil: You can say that again. Basil: Oh, can I dear? Oh thank you. (clears his throat) I've forgotten what it was. %% Basil: The seventeenth of April. Well, well, well... Sybil: Does that stir any memories in you, Basil? Basil: ...Memories?...(his face lights up)...Agincourt? %% Manuel: Is surprise party. Basil: Yes. Manuel: She not here. Basil: Right. Manuel: That is surprise. %% Basil: Well, I'm sorry if you've been put out...I mean, you've had some drinks, plenty of nuts, seen your old friends, had a few laughs, but if that isn't enough, I'll...I'll refund your petrol for you. %% Basil: The puffing up started after he'd gone, OK? Virginia: After? Basil: Yes, after. Are you taking notes? %% Basil: Right. All right. Fine! All right, OK then, fine!! No problem. No problem. Suits me. Good idea. I'll just pop upstairs and ask her to stop dying and then you can all come up and identify her. %% Polly: _You_ put on the dress. _You_ pretend to be your wife. Basil: I've got a moustache! What's this supposed to be, a great big hairy bogey? %% Basil: (peeps into the bedroom) Yes, all right. She's ready now, come on in. (the Major starts to go in; Basil steers him out) Yes,not you. %% Sybil: I'm not staying. Basil: Oh, aren't you? OK. Sybil: What? Basil: Well, I'm sure you know best, dear. Sybil: You don't even want me to, do you. Basil: Um...(picks a bit of thread off his jacket) Oh, what's that? %% Basil: Two dead pigeons in watertank. Take out. (Manuel stares suspiciously) It's not difficult, Manuel. This is not a proposition from Wittgenstein. %% Basil: Well, of course it's a rat! You have rats in Spain, don't you? ...Or did Franco have them all shot? %% Manuel: Is hamster. Basil: Is not hamster. Hamsters are small and cuddly. Cuddle this, you'd never play the guitar again. %% Basil: Can't we get you on Mastermind, Sybil? Next contestant Sybil Fawlty from Torquay, special subject the bleeding obvious. %% Basil: I'll put an ad in the papers. Wanted, kind home for enormous savage rodent. Answers to the name of Sybil. %% Sybil: No! I cannot abide cruelty to living creatures. Basil: Well, I'm a creature. You can abide it to me. Sybil: You're not living. %% Manuel: Mrs Fawlty, plase understand. If he go, I go. Basil: (putting out his hand) Well, goodbye. %% Sybil: Perhaps it would be simpler to have him put to S-L-E-E-P. Basil: Who, Manuel or the rat? We might get a discount if we had 'em both done. %% Sybil: It's any night I want to go out with any of my friends, anyone at all, any other members of the human race. Basil: Well, I wouldn't call the Sherrins members of the human race,dear. %% Sybil: How on earth did the two of us ever get together. Black magic, my mother says. Basil: Well she'd know, wouldn't she. Her and that cat. %% Basil: Mr Carnegie the scavenger gourmet from...? Carnegie: The Public Health Department. Basil: Yes, but where were you born, Scavenger or down here in the West Country? %% (Basil snatches the plate away from under Mr Carnegie's nose) Basil: Sorry. Not hot enough. (the plate burns him) Aaaagh! %% Basil: There, there. Ronald: What do you mean, 'There, there'? Basil: It's all there. There, there, there and there. All there for your enjoyment. %% Basil: That's a misprint. Ronald: A misprint? Basil: Yes, it should say..um..'eel'. Ronald: Eel escolope? %% Polly: (to Basil) It's in the bag. Basil: (nods, puts his finger at the side of his nose and winks, then, to Mr Carnegie) Is your veal, er... Polly: In _her_ bag. (she goes into the lobby) Basil: (to Mr Carnegie) In _her_ bag? Carnegie: What? %% Carnegie: Specifically, lack of proper cleaning routines, dirty and greasy filters, greasy and encrusted deep fat fryer, dirty cracked and stained food preparation surfaces, dirty cracked and missing wall and floor tiles, dirty marked and stained utensils, dirty and greasy interior surfaces of the ventilator hoods. Inadequate temperature control and storage of dangerous foodstuffs, storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, storage of raw meat above confectionary with dripping of meat juices onto cream products, refrigerator seals cracked, icebox undefrosted and refrigerator overstocked. Food handling routine suspect, evidence of smoking in food preparation area, dirty and grubby food handling overalls, lack of washhandbasin, and two dead pigeons in the water tank. Basil: ...Otherwise OK? %% (The gun goes off in the bar) Carnegie: Good God, what was that? Basil: Bloody television exploding agian. %% Mrs T: Veal substitute? Polly: It's Japanese, actually - soya beans and essence of cow. %% Basil: Yes, and the starling was in the garden and the rat was nowhere at all. Major: Well, I didn't see him. Basil: (moving off) Say goodnight to the folks, Gracie. %% Carnegie: Basil..the little... Polly: Ratatouille. The chef calls the ratatouille Basil, because he puts quite a lot of basil in it. Manuel: (horrified) He put Basil in ratatouille? Polly: Yes... Manuel: Aaahh! (he runs into the kitchen, followed by Polly, still clutching her net) Sybil: (to Mr Carnegie) He's from Barcelona. %% Basil: Well...look at it from the point of view of the rat. Sybil: What? Basil: Would you want to spend the rest of your life with Manuel waiting on you? %% Sybil: You took the pigeons out? Basil: No, I left them in, they're nearly done. %% Polly: We'll find him, Mr Fawlty. Basil: Well if you could, that would be lovely. Before they close us down. Super. %% Basil: Come _back_? Polly: (desperately) They home. Basil: Oh, I see, he's a _homing_ rat, is he? %% Polly: Basil...Basil...cheesies...Basil.. Basil: Yes? (there is a thump and the table jerks upwards) Here I am! %% Major: (taking the paper) Strike, strike, strike. Why do we bother, Fawlty? Basil: (to himself) I didn't know you did, Major. %% Basil: (to Manuel) Let me tell you something. Depression is a _very bad thing_. It's like a virus. If you don't stamp on it it spreads throughout the mind, and then one day you wake up in the morning, and you...you can't face life any more. Sybil: And then you open a hotel. %% Basil: We didn't win the war by getting depressed, you know! %%