Karl Geppart gave me a lot of these fortune (I think)
%%
A guy is walking over a bridge, and his wallet falls into the river.  He
looks over and sees that the fish are tossing his wallet to each other.
What's going on?  Carp-to-carp walleting.
%%
   And then the Lord spake, saying:
        "First, shalt thou take out the holy pin.
         Then shalt thou count to three.
         No more, no less.
        *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number
         of the counting shall be three.
        *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither count thou two,
         excepting that thou then goest on to three.
         Five is RIGHT OUT.  Once the number three, being the third
         number be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade
         to-wards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff
         it.  Amen.

                                            Ping [Stack overflow]

Ok, right! One ... Two ... Five!
%%
   "The effects are fleeting and lingering..."
   - Overheard in a hallway
  - from Saul Rothstein (Chelmsford, MA, USA)
%%
   "In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted."
       - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse 
     - from Larry Klaes (Maynard, MA, USA)
%%
   "He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!"
        - CBS baseball announcer
        - from Wes Ono (Seattle, WA, USA)
%%
   "An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the
   agreement have reached an agreement."
           - Irish Politician on RTE radio
           - from John 0'Sullivan (Dublin, Ireland)
%%
   "He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet."
           - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy
             Swaggart's latest sex scandal
           - from Mike Knauer, Burlington
%%
   "Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of 
   them gold."
           - Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV
%%
   Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for?
   Listener:     Mining and Engineering Services.
   Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do: is it mining and 
                 engineering services?
           - BBC Radio 1
%%
   "Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."
           - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3
%%
   Interviewer:    So you are the camp co-ordinator.  What does that 
                   entail?
   Venture Scout:  Well, basically, I co-ordinate the camp.
        - '8.15 From Manchester', BBC1 TV
%%
  "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging
  around like this."
           - David Coleman, BBC 1 TV
%%
  "Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row  of
  beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes."
           - Ian St John, ITV
%%
"Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of 
  the game."
           - Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio
%%
///   ____   \\\     No, Q scores ten you see, and it's on a triple *--*--**-
| |/ /    \ \| |     word score, so... look, I've explained the     *--*-*--*
\\_|\____/|_//      rules to you... no, no, look please, put down  ****----*
    \_)\\/  DON'T   that jawbone... All right, we'll start again.  ---*---*-
      `-'   PANiC   And try to concentrate this time.              ---*--*--
%%
Affcot (n.)
 The sort of fart you hope people will talk after.
%%
Baumber (n.)
 A fitted elasticated bottom sheet wich turns your mattress banana-shaped.
%%
Clathy (adj.)
 Nervously indecisive about how safely to dispose of a dud lightbulb.
%%
Didling (participial vb.)
 The process of trying to work out who did it when reading a whodunnit,
 and keeping your options open so that when you find out you can allow
 yourself to think that you knew perfectly well who it was all along.
%%
Ewelme (n,vb.)
 The smile bestowed on you by an air hostess.
%%
Farrancassidy (n.)
 A long and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to undo someone's bra.
%%
Goodle (n.)
 The puddle on the bar into wich the barman puts your change in.
%%
Huby (n.)
 A half-errection large enough to be a publicly embarassing bulge in the
 trousers, not large enough to be of any use to anybody.
%%
Kalami (n.)
 The ancient Eastern art of being able to fold road-maps properly.
%%
A mathematician is a machine for convertine coffee into theorem.
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistake instead of old ones.
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
If you don't know where you are, you ain't lost
%%
Just when you thought you had one the rat race - along comes a faster rat
%%
 There's an art of knowing when.
               Never try to guess.
       Toast until it smokes and then
               twenty seconds less.
                                       - Piet Hein ("Grooks 2")
%%
In a Tokyo Hotel:  It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If
you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
%%
In another Japanese hotel room:  Please to bathe inside the tub.
%%
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:  The lift is being fixed for the next
day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
%%
In a Leipzig elevator:  Do not enter the lift backwards, and only
when lit up.
%%
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:  To move the cabin, push button for
wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.
%%
In a Yugoslavian hotel:  The flattening of underwear with pleasure
is the job of the chambermaid.
%%
In a Japanese hotel:  You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastary:  You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.
%%
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:  Not to perambulate the
corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
%%
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:  Our wines leave you nothing
to hope for.
%%
On the menu of a Polish hotel:  Salad a firm's own make; limpid
red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted
duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
%%
In a Hong Kong supermarket:  For your convenience, we recommend
coureous, efficient self-service.
%%
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:  Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
%%
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:  Drop your trousers here for best results.
%%
Outside a Paris dress shop:  Dresses for street walking.
%%
In a Rhodes tailor shop:  Order your summers suit. Because is big
rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
%%
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:  There will be a Moscow Exhibition
of Arts by 15000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These
were executed over the past two years.
%%
In an East African newspaper:  A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
%%
In a Vienna hotel:  In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
%%
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:  It is strictly forbidden
on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.
%%
In a Zurich hotel:  Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.
%%
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:  Teeth extracted by the
latest Methodists.
%%
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:  A lot of water
has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
%%
In a Rome laundry:  Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.
%%
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:  Take one of our horse-driven
city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
%%
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:  Would you like to ride
on your own ass?
%%
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:  To stop the drip, turn cock
to right.
%%
In the window of a Swedish furrier:  Fur coats made for ladies from
their own skin.
%%
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:  Guaranteed to
work throughout its useful life.
%%
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:  Stop: Drive Sideways.
%%
In a Swiss mountain inn:  Special today -- no ice cream.
%%
In a Bangkok temple:  It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man.
%%
In a Tokyo bar:  Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
%%
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:  We take your bags and send
them in all directions.
%%
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:  If this is your first visit
to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
%%
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:  Ladies are requested not to have
children in the bar.
%%
At a Budapest zoo:  Please do not feed the animals. If you have
any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
%%
In the office of a Roman doctor:  Specialist in women and other
diseases.
%%
In an Acapulco hotel:  The manager has personally passed all the
water served here.
%%
In a Tokyo shop:  Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find
they are best in the long run.
%%
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:  Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm
in your room, please control yourself.
%%
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:  When passenger of
foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at
first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with
vigor.
%%
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
%%
Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a
"rigged" demo.
%%
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
%%
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
%%
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
%%
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
%%
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
%%
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
%%
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
%%
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
%%
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
%%
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
%%
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
%%
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
%%
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
%%
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
%%
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
%%
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
%%
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
%%
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
%%
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
%%
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
%%
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
%%
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
%%
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
%%
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
%%
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
%%
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
%%
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
%%
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their 
   metal coils.
%%
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
%%
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
%%
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
%%
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
%%
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
%%
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
%%
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
%%
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
%%
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
%%
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
%%
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
%%
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
%%
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
%%
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
%%
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
%%
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
%%
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
%%
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
%%
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
%%
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
%%
Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
%%
Old sailers never die, they just get a little dingy.
%%
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
%%
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
%%
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
%%
Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.
%%
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
%%
Walt Disney didn't die.  He's in suspended animation.
%%
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
%%
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
%%
There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old
    skeptics, but their future is doubtful.
%%
Old Usenetters never die, they just become unresponsive.
%%
For those who didn't make it to page 249 of "The Anthropic Cosmological
Principle" by John Barrow and Frank Tipler, I quote

"In a randomly infinite Universe, any event occurring here and
 now with finite probability must be occurring simultaneously at
 an infinite number of other sites in the Universe. It is hard to
 evaluate this idea any further, but one thing is certain: if it
is true then it is certainly not original!"
%%
"Manually operated analog scribing device" (description of chalk)
%%
"In fact, entire math departments have been known to go off the
deep end" (on infinite real numbers)
%%
"Yup, you're losing your marbles." (on a statistical problem involving
marbles in a jar)
%%
"This, incidently, works great if you're color blind." (probabability
of picking a red or green marble)
%%
"Uh, that's the same equation."
%%
"Now you have to pound the table, and jump up and down."
%%
"Good day to get a little extra sleep."
%%
"You use little itty bitty nails, and nail the atoms down." (on how
to measure the number of states they can be in)
%%
"We can throw out constant factors as we want."
%%
"I didn't know Maxwell had thermodynamic relations...I guess he got around."
%%
Avogadro's number..avocado's?"
%%
"Factorials of Avogadro's number become intractable."
"And what is this? Can you say ENTROPY?"
%%
"It's just a..it's just a word."
%%
"Then they have to come out, and cut you off with a blowtorch."
(on the hazards of licking a cold flag pole)
%%
"Which in decimals is 1.66666...which is the mark of the devil."
%%
"Enthalpy, which in Greek stands for E+pV."
%%
"This will become unclear in time."
%%
"George Q. Enthalpy, little known physicist."
%%
"cross derivatives? angry derivatives!...perturbed..."
%%
"You all are probably wondering what all this stuff is good for."
%%
"I'm tenured, there's almost nothing you can do about it."
(after making a mistake in sign convention)
%%
"The Joule-Thompson Throttling. Now you can't throttle them,
they're dead." (an experiment)
%%
Thus, the cookie crumbles.
%%
Curses - foiled again.  
That was a promotional announcement on behalf of Comalco. 
%%
Life's too short not too laugh. 
%%
Old Latin scholars don't die, they just decline.
%%
Old English majors don't die, they burn in hell.
%%
Old Math majors don't die, they decompose to a specific, mathmatically
determined formula.
%%
They came, they saw, they did a little shopping
%%
As JFK once said: "I am a chocolate covered doughnut."
%%
"3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is experimental error, 11 is prime..."
%%
"All the Poles were in the right half of the plane."
%%
"Everyone knows that adders can only multiply on a table of logs."
%%
 "First, assume a can opener..."
%%
"First, assume a spherical cow of uniform density..."
%%
 "He says, 'Aha! A solution exists!' and goes back to sleep."
%%
 "No, but I can get close enough that it won't make any difference."
%%
"Sorry about my friend. He's not null-terminated."
%%
 "Where do you think the chaos came from?"
%%
"Physician, heal thy jokes"
   - Linda Penington 
%%
"Since my cat learned to type, there is no guarantee whose thoughts these are"
%%
  The problem is - or rather one of the problems, for 
  there are many, a sizable proportion of which are
  clogging up the major and most of the minor criminal 
   courts of the galaxy - this.  The previous sentence
  makes sense. That is not the problem.  This is:
  Change. Read it through again and you'll get it.
   Linda Penington (.sig file)
%%
 "An 'acceptable' level of unemployment means that the government economist
 to whom it is acceptable still has a job. - Murphy 
     - Bruce_Schuck
%%
   "No thanks, I've already got one."
%%
 `As leader, you should never forget those who are loyal
 to you.  You should hold parties for them regularly
 and have lots of whiskey (free) for them.  That way, they
 get drunk and reveal themselves as the disloyal vermin they
 all are in reality.'
      -- "On Governing"
%%
"In my opinion, television validates existence."
%%
"It happens sometimes.  People just explode.  Natural causes."
%%
"New _Shimmer_ is a floor wax AND a dessert topping!"
%%
"Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb, you know.  Most of it's
up, until you reach the very very top, and then it tends to slope
away rather sharply."
%%
"I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
sick and tired.  I'm certainly not!  But I'm sick and tired of being told
that I am!"
%%
"It's psychosomatic.  You need a lobotomy.  I'll get a saw."
%%
"If you don't vote for me I'll kill you all." - Mike Grasso??
%%
"You read that book I gave you?"
"What book?"
"Diuretics, the science of matter over mind."
%%
"A boy without mischief is like a bowling bowl without a liquid center."
%%
"Sometimes you just gotta say `what the heck'."
%%
"In your next life, you will be _extremely_ wealthy."
"Fab."
"That will be 10 dollars."
"This check will be _extremely_ post-dated.  _You_ will understand."
%%
A hundred bottles of beer on the wall, a hundred bottles
of beer.  If one of those bottles should happen to
fall, it would shake the very foundations of the Universe.
   -from Mauve'Bib's "The Seven Pillows of Wisdom,"
         edited by the Princess Serutan
%%
"Corruption empowers, and absolute corruption empowers absolutely."
%%
Two, four, six, eight,
Time to transubstantiate!
%%
"Be quiet!"
%%
"You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause
some watery tart threw a sword at you!"
"Shut up!"
"I mean, if I went around saying I was an emperor, just because
some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"
%%
"Get that finger out of your ear!  You don't know where that finger's been!"
"Where do we keep all our chainsaws, mom?"
%%
"He gave his life for tourism."
%%
"I think life should be more like TV.  I think all of life's problems
ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you?
I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns.
I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone
should drive fancy sports cars.  All our desires should be instantly
gratified.  Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should
carry powerful handguns.  Life overall should be more glamorous,
thrill-packed, and filled with applause."
%%
"Looking back, I have only one regret."
"What's that?"
"I regret I wasn't born with opposable toes."
%%
getting [cruise missle] more accurate so that we can have precise precision.
           --Dan Qualye referring to his legislative work dealing with
             cruise missiles
%%
Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottome part.
           --Dan Qualye referring to the collapsed section of the 880
             freeeway after the San Francisco earthquake of 1989.
%%
I want to be play Batman to Bush's Robin.
           --Dan Quayle
%%
I believe we are on an irreversible trend towardds more freedom abut that could change.
            --Dan Qualye
"We all lived in this century, I didn't live in this century"
             --Dan Qualye
You all look like happy campers to me.  Happy campers you are, happy 
campers, have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you 
always will be.
              --Dan Qualye to the American Samoans, whose capital Qualye 
                pronounced "Pogo Pogo"
%%
The shortest distance between two points is a straigh line.
   .  How does it smell? .
         - Karl
%%
Down with Gravity
         - Karl 
%%
  Things that make you go "aww fuck"
      Kate Holleran
%%
> More on the Very Strange Version:
>
> 10. Blessed are the werewolfs, for their fleas shall be removed.
> 11. Accredited are the solenoids, for theirs is Alternating Current.
> 12. Parboiled are the lamps, that they may not be so crunchy and hard
>     to eat.
> 13. Pasteed are the triceratopses, for they are extinct and become the
>     favorites of young children.
> 14. Blessed are the worthless, for the know their true value.
> 15. Blessed are the haberdashers, for they can eat their dashi and hab
>     it too.
> 16. Manufactured are the birds.  Don't worry about why.  Don't ask
>     questions.
> 17. Drooled upon are the rhinoceroses, for they are supposed to be
>     waterproof and we wanted to test it.
> 18. Blessed are the baby butterflies, for they are cute.
> 19. Blessed are the racketeers, for otherwise they shall blackmail up.
> 20. Blessed are the janitors, for they shall clean up this mess.
%%
} 1) "The Toasteroven of Shanara" by Terry Brooks: The latest in the
}    famed series of fantasy novels, this one has the forces of good and
}    evil battling over kitchen appliances of awesome power.
%%
} 2) "Worm-fodder" by Robert Heinlein: The long awaited sequel to
}    "Grumbles From the Grave".  From his coffin, Heinlein explores his
}    feelings about being deceased.
%%
} 3) "City of the Future" by Jane Auel: The latest book of the "Children
}    of the Earth" series, which also includes "Clan of the Cave Bear",
}    "Valley of the Horses", "Hunt of the Mammoth", and several others.
}    Ayla and her mate Jondalar, having discovered fire, domesticated the
}    first animals, founded Atlantis, discovered agriculture, and
}    invented the spear-thrower now invent a time machine and travel to
}    modern day New York, where they are killed by a roving band of
}    anthropologists.
%%
} 4) "Wearing a Tartan Kilt" by Piers Anthony: Book 217 of the
}    "Incarnations of Immortality" series, featuring Angus McArnold, who
}    becomes the minor Incarnation of Bagpipe Music and spoils a plot by
}    Satan to take over the Universe.
%%
} 5) "Grout" by Stephen King: A shocking and suspenseful tale of horror
}    about a colony of bathroom tile mildew that develops sentience and
}    takes over a sleepy New England town.
%%
} 6) "What Are the Owls?" by Thomas Harris: In this sequel to "Red
}    Dragon" and "Silence of the Lambs", FBI agent Clarise Starling
}    enlists the aid of Director David Lynch in tracking down a
}    psychopathic killer who places letters under the fingernails of his
}    victims.
%%
} 7) "The Hitchhiker's Guide to Alternate Dimensions" by Douglas Adams:
}    When our universe is destoyed to make way for an interdimensional
}    bypass, Arthur Dent, Ford Prefect, Zaphod Beeblebrox, Trillian, and
}    Slartibartfast find themselves homeless and trapped in a series of
}    alternate histories.
%%
} 8) "This Book Sucks But You'll Probably Buy It Anyway" by Jackie
}    Collins: Amazingly similar to other best-selling books by Collins.
%%
} 9) "Unearthed Arcana" by Umberto Eco: A huge volume filled with highly
}    obscure information that Eco compiled in monestary libraries that
}    have been sealed up for centuries.  The plot is so complicated that
}    the publisher has packeged the book with a free set of Cliff's
}    Notes.
%%
} 10) "Foundation and Eggplant" by Isaac Asimov: The next step along the
}    way to establishing a galactic utopian society in Asimov's future
}    history. The Second Foundation uses a recipe for eggplant parmisian
}    that has been preserved for millenia by the robots of Earth for use
}    against the Gaeans.
%%
> I'd rather be a wino way down on skid row
> Than to grovel to you, who doesn't even know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd rather be an aphid on the arse of a flea
} than have bozos like you send mail to me!
} You don't have a question, you just want to insult.
} That's just fine by me, but beware the result!
} The Oracle's Ire is mighty indeed!
} I have ways of dealing with pestilent breeds
} of morons who think they are witty or smart
} but actually are using their keyboards to fart.
} So to punish you for your ignorant mail,
} I say unto thee  <KAZOT!>  You're DAN QUAYLE!
}
} Try to live it down.
%%
THE FRANKLIN FACTOR: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to
meet more guys/gals.
%%
THE RING RULE: A watched telephone never rings.
%%
THE FISHING FORECAST: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea.
But who wants to go out with a fish?
%%
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROGNOSIS: Love is a form of temporary insanity
curable only by marriage.
%%
TWAIN'S TRUTH: Familarity breeds children.
%%
1)   This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North
ends of this church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
%%
2)   Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
giving milk, please come early.
%%
3)   Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs Johnson
will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
%%
4)   Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
Club. All wishing to become little mothers will please meet the pastor
in his study.
%%
5)   This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Brown to come
forward and lay an egg on the alter.
%%
6)   The service today will end with "Little Drops of Water." One
of the men will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will
join in.
%%
7)   The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind,
and they can be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
%%
8)   On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the
expense of the new carpet. All wishing to do something on the carpet
please come forward and get a piece of paper.
%%
9)   Tonight's sermon: "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our
choir practice.
%%
CALM DOWN: it's only ones and zeros.
%%
I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my hand
through it.
%%
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the place.  I had to swerve a number of times before
I hit him.
%%
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by
%%
steering it into the other vehicle.
%%
I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was
struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times
before.
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I was on my way to the doctor's with rear end trouble, when my universal 
joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
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As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place
no stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop in time to avoid 
an accident.
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To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
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My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
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An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.
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When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed
into the other car.
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The pedestrian had no idea where to go, so I ran him over.
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I saw the slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood
of my car.
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Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have.
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The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth.
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Halley's Comet has come and gone but this paper trail of memos remains:
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Memo from national commissioner to council executives--"Tomorrow at 1800 hours,
Halley's Comet will be visible in this area, an event which occurs only once
every 75 years.  Have the Scouts fall out of the Scout hut in uniform, and I
will explain this rare phenomenon to them.  In case of rain, we may not be able
to see anything, so assemble the Scouts in the theater, and I will show films
of the comet."
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Memo from the council executive to district commissioner--"By order of the
national commissioner executive, tomorrow at 1800 hours, Halley's Comet will
appear above the Scout Hut area.  If it rains, fall the Scouts out in uniform.
Then march them to a theater, where the rare phenomenon will take place,
which happens once every 75 years."
%%