Please tell me where these fortunes are from
%%
We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
respect their good judgement.
%%
We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
no matter how self-seeking.
      -- F. G. Withington
%%
We ought to be very grateful that we have tools.  Millions of years ago
people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
ugly paneling is to begin with.
      -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%%
We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.
%%
   We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
   I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I
had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone
told him, "You ride the bull, senor.  You do not fight it."  But he was
lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he
fought me.  And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
what men must do. ...
   "Stop the car," the girl said.  There was a look of terrible
sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the woman of the tollway.  I knew
not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
quiet and peace I will never forget.
   "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
tollway belle's for thee."
   The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
a lie.  Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
      -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
         Competition
%%
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
%%
we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
we will cry over things we used to laugh &
our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
in the end a summer with wild winds &
new friends will be.
%%
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!
      -- Maxwell Smart
%%
"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
%%
We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
in his bowl full of jelly.
      -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
%%
We're only in it for the volume.
      -- Black Sabbath
%%
Weinberg's First Law:
   Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
%%
Weinberg's Principle:
   An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
%%
Weinberg's Second Law:
   If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
%%
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
   There are no answers, only cross references.
%%
Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.  He'll come in handy if
you run out of food.
      -- Dean McLaughlin.
%%
Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke.  Hartke is a
governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination.  These men
will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
appearing on "Meet the Press".  "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
interested in.  It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
the entire show without answering a single question ...
      -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
%%
Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
      -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
%%
Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
   And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
   I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
   Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
   I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
   But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
   I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
      -- Core Dumped Blues
%%
"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"

"Piece of cake, Master?  Radial slice of baked confection ...
coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
      -- Dr. Who
%%
"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
hundred."
      -- The Mahabharata.
%%
Westheimer's Discovery:
   A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
couple of hours in the library.
%%
Wethern's Law:
   Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
%%
"What are we going to do?"

"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions.  I'm looking for
something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
short initiation period."
%%
"What are you doing?"

"Examining the world's major religions.  I'm looking for something
that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short
initiation period."
%%
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
%%
   "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
teenager asked her mother.
   "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
%%
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
%%
What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
%%
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
%%
"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
country. Nice try anyway, George."
      -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA
%%
What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the
entrance?
%%
What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
in his footsteps?
%%
What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
stall.  Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
while he showers.  Then I hop right back into the stall because our
dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
if you get my drift.  Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
flush one of the toilets.  Perhaps several of them.
      -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
%%
"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
parties.
      -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
%%
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
%%
"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
      -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
%%
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
      -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%%
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's
worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
      -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%%
What is a magician but a practising theorist?
      -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
%%
What is mind?  No matter.
What is matter?  Never mind.
      -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
%%
What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
computer?  It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
%%
"What is the Nature of God?"

    CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
    1 QT. SOUR CREAM
    1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT
    1/2 CUT CHIVES.
    STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.

"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
      -- Bloom County
%%
"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?"
      -- Bertold Brecht
%%
"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
which is the exact opposite."
      -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
%%
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
to compare it with.
%%
What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes,
women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort."
      -- Susan Gordon
%%
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
%%
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
%%
What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
%%
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
%%
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
%%
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
%%
What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
%%
What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
%%
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
      -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
%%
What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
remains 7 a.m.  This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
      -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
%%
What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
%%
   "What's that thing?"
   "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
computer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
it does.  We call it a two-by-four."
      -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
%%
"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
      -- The Doctor
%%
Whatever became of eternal truth?
%%
Whatever is not nailed down is mine.  What I can pry loose is not
nailed down.
      -- Collis P. Huntingdon
%%
"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
cockroaches!"
      -- Mom
%%
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
money is.
      -- Robespierre
%%
When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the
thing," it's the money.
      -- Kim Hubbard
%%
When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
loop?
%%
When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is
not far away.  It is time to go elsewhere.  The best thing about space
travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
      -- Robert Heinlein
%%
When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the
sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes.  The dog has certain
relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
      -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
         Maintenance"
%%
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
%%
"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"
      -- Reuben Flagg
%%
When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
      -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
%%
When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?  Well, last year, I
think it was a Tuesday.
%%
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
guarantee them.
%%
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
year.  I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
      -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
%%
When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
ladies, and, of course, the goat.
%%
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.  Now
I'm beginning to believe it.
      -- Clarence Darrow
%%
When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
and get you."
      -- Jerry Lewis
%%
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me.  I said, `Well, what do you need?'"
      -- Steven Wright
%%
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
      -- Woody Allen
%%
When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an
act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school.  A
group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a
six-year-old.  "It is always so," my mother said.  "You do things
together which not one of you would think of doing alone."  ...
Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective
responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.  The military
establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have
been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
      -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
%%
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
cannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
      -- Mark Twain
%%
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
%%
When in panic, fear and doubt,
Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
%%
When love is gone, there's always justice.
And when justice is gone, there's always force.
And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
Hi, Mom!
      -- Laurie Anderson
%%
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment
results.
      -- Calvin Coolidge
%%
When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony
concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years --
and I find I mind it less and less."
      -- Louise Andrews Kent
%%
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity:
for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when
your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
      -- Daniel B. Luten
%%
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
%%
"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"
      -- Jon Carroll
%%
When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you
modify the problem, not the remedy.
%%
When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that.
      -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%%
When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
metaphysics.
      -- Voltaire
%%
When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
      -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%%
When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
plane will fly.
      -- Donald Douglas
%%
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
      -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
except our fingertips will have been singed.
      -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%%
When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of
investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand,
so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or
swayed, directly to the goal.
      -- Amrom Katz
%%
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
%%
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
%%
When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
      -- Harry Truman
%%
   When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
clarified your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite answer
to a definite problem.  For better or worse you have acted decisively.
   In a way, the next move is up to him.
      -- R. A. Lafferty
%%
"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." 
      -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war
%%
When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
know the answer either.
      -- Edgar R. Fiedler
%%
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
      -- The Wall Street Journal
%%
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
impression you will make.
%%
When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
Wretched, bored, dejected; only
Here's the rub, my darling dear
I feel the same when you are near.
      -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
%%
When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
%%
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
      -- Dave Parnas
%%
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
see it tried on him personally.
      -- A. Lincoln
%%
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
      -- Mark Twain
         "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
%%
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE

   Oh, dear, where can the matter be
   When it's converted to energy?
   There is a slight loss of parity.
   Johnny's so long at the fair.
%%
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
%%
Whether you can hear it or not
The Universe is laughing behind your back
      -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%%
Which is worse: ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares?
%%
While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
admission to someone else.
%%
While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
      -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
         November 26, 1792
%%
While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
%%
While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
      -- Edward Stevenson
%%
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
form of misery.
%%
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining
position.
%%
While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
correctness never does.
%%
While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
reassuring to know that it's still there.
%%
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
      -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
Whistler's Law:
   You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
charge.
%%
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
%%
Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.
      -- A. E. Housman
%%
Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
%%
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
%%
Who's on first?
%%
"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
      -- George Ade
%%
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
%%
Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
%%
"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'?  I could
have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
      -- Ian Shoales
%%
"Why be a man when you can be a success?"
      -- Bertold Brecht
%%
Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we
have?
%%
Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
%%
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility with?
%%
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office
automation?
%%
Why do we have two eyes?  To watch 3-D movies with.
%%
Why does man kill?  He kills for food.  And not only food: frequently
there must be a beverage.
      -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%%
Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
more lawyers?

New Jersey had first choice.
%%
Why don't elephants eat penguins ?

Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
%%
Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but ...
   -- I have to floss my cat.
   -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
   -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
   -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
   -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
   -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
   -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
   -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
   -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
   -- I have some really hard words to look up.
   -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
   -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
%%
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is
because we are not the person involved"
      -- Mark Twain
%%
"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
      -- Lily Tomlin
%%
"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
you knowing nothing?"
      -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
%%
Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
children open their old-fashioned presents.

Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"

You:   "A spinning top!  You spin it around, and then eventually it
   falls down.  What fun!  Ha, ha!"

Son:   "Is this a joke?  Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
   with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
   and I get this cretin TOP?"

Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad?  Look at this."

You:   "It's figgy pudding!  What a treat!"

Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
      -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
%%
Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
   No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
      -- John L.  Shelton
%%
      William Safire's Rules for Writers:

Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never
be used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to
agree with their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words
out.  If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must
not shift your point of view.  And don't start a sentence with a
conjunction.  (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
sentence with.)  Don't overuse exclamation marks!!  Place pronouns as
close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully, dangling participles
must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should
be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
writing.  Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always follows
the verb.  Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
viable alternatives.
%%
Williams and Holland's Law:
   If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
statistical methods.
%%
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
%%
Wit, n.:
   The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
... by leaving it out.
      -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
try to be a fraud and a half.
      -- Otto von Bismark
%%
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
      -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once
build a nuclear balm?
%%
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
such thing as progress.
      -- Ransom K. Ferm
%%
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
%%
Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
   (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
   (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
   (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
   (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
       VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
   (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
      -- Rich Kulawiec
%%
Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource.  If
you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place.  And if you cut
down the new tree, still another will grow.  And if you cut down that
tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
come back.

Wood heat is not new.  It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire.  One of the
cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey!  Wood
heat!"  The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
beat him to death with stones.  But the key discovery had been made,
and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
although their insurance rates went way up.
      -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
%%
Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
   We are no longer allowing this practice.  We wish to discourage
any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
should not consider having anything removed.  We hired you as you are,
and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
bargained for.
%%
Workers of the world, arise!  You have nothing to lose but your
chairs.
%%
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
   August.  The lines are the shortest, though.
      -- Steve Rubenstein
%%
Worst Month of the Year:
   February.  February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't
get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
      -- Steve Rubenstein
%%
Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
   From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
damage my videotapes?"
%%
Worst Vegetable of the Year:
   The brussels sprout.  This is also the worst vegetable of next
year.
      -- Steve Rubenstein
%%
Write-Protect Tab, n.:
   A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
left by disk manufacturers.  The use of the tab creates an error
message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the
momentary inconvenience.
      -- Robb Russon
%%
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
      -- Frank Zappa
%%
"Wrong," said Renner.

"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
%%
X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.
%%
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
%%
XIIdigitation, n.:
   The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
      -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
their endless search for "one more feature".  Their irritating
unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
      -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
%%
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
operators together.
      -- Steve Higgins
%%
"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
%%
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
%%
Yes, but which self do you want to be?
%%
Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still
be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
      -- Snoopy
%%
Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
      -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%%
Yinkel, n.:
   A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
will notice.
      -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%%
You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
%%
You are here:   
      ***
      ***
        *********
         *******
          *****
      ***
       *

       But you're not all there.
%%
"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
   "All your papers these days look the same;
Those William's would be better unread --
   Do these facts never fill you with shame?"

"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
   "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
   Made it pointless to think any more."
%%
"You are old, father William," the young man said,
   "And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
   Do you think, at your age, it is right?"

"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
   "I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
   Why, I do it again and again."
      -- Lewis Carrol
%%
"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
   And there isn't one language you like;
Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
   Have you thought about taking a hike?"

"Since I never write programs," his father replied,
   "Every language looks equally bad;
Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
   And don't realize that they've been had."
%%
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
   And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
   Pray what is the reason of that?"

"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
   "I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
   Allow me to sell you a couple?"
      -- Lewis Carrol
%%
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
   And make errors few people could bear;
You complain about everyone's English but yours --
   Do you really think this is quite fair?"

"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
   "But my stature these days is so great
That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
   And to stop me it's now far too late."
%%
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
%%
You are the only person to ever get this message.
%%
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
%%
You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
%%
You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
to find a way to damage them.  They last forever, largely because
nobody ever eats them.  In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.

The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet.  Be sure to wear
safety glasses.
      -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
%%
"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
      -- Hepler, Systems Design 182
%%
You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior
executive.
%%
"You can do this in a number of ways.  IBM chose to do all of them.
Why do you find that funny?"
      -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
%%
You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
can with just a kind word.
      -- Bumper Sticker
%%
You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have,
for instance.
      -- Franklin P. Jones
%%
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
%%
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
%%
You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
      -- F. Allen
%%
You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
supercomputers.
      -- Steven Feiner
%%
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
%%
"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename."
      -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
%%
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
%%
You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
      -- Booker T. Washington
%%
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
%%
"You can't make a program without broken egos."
%%
You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.  You get spastic
enough worrying about what's happening now.
      -- Lauren Bacall
%%
"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."
      -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
         Over and Over"
%%
"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
don't."
      -- Dagwood Bumstead
%%
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
%%
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
%%
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
%%
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.
%%
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
doubt.
      -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
%%
You do not have mail.
%%
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
      -- J. D. Salinger
%%
You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting
needles.
      -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
%%
You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
names.  Here's the complete text:

   "(1) How much did you make?  (AMOUNT)
   "(2) How much did we here at the government take out?  (AMOUNT)
   "(3) Hey!  Sounds like we took too much!  So we're going to
        send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
        THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
        household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
        you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
        NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"

The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
money.  So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
form.
      -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
%%
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
%%
You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--

This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--

You are permanently confused.
      -- Dave Decot
%%
You have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don't walk too close to
metal objects which are not fastened down.
%%
You have junk mail.
%%
You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets
wrinkled.
%%
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot
today.
%%
You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
%%
You know the great thing about TV?  If something important happens
anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
you can always change the channel.
      -- Jim Ignatowski
%%
You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
      -- S. Rickly Christian
%%
You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
      -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
%%
You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
%%
You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
%%
   "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
when I was young!"
   "Why, what did she tell you?"
   "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
      -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.
%%
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
%%
You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
      -- Sydney Harris
%%
You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
him.
      -- Ed Howe
%%
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
      -- Alfred Kahn
%%
You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
success.  You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
      -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
%%
You might have mail
%%
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
%%
You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll
be dead.
%%
You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
independence.
      -- Charles A. Beard
%%
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
beach.
%%
You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were
you.  I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
company.
      -- J. Wellington Wells
%%
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
%%
You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
know how seldom they do.
      -- Olin Miller.
%%
You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially
if they are dead.
%%
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
freedom and liberty.
      -- Henrik Ibson
%%
You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
houses.  Really, that's what scientists believe.  In fact many
scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
summer.  If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
      -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
%%
You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's."  In
many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
If you are traveling with a child  aged six months to three years, you
should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.

In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
hemorrhoids.
      -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%%
"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture"
      -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
%%
You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
%%
   YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF
            PAPER SHUFFLING!

Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says:  "Before I took this course I used to be
a lowly bit twiddler.  Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel
really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."

Mr. MARC had this to say:  "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
to was a dead-end job as a engineer.  Now I have a promising future and
make really big Zorkmids."

MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.

      SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
%%
You too can wear a nose mitten.
%%
You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
%%
You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
%%
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
%%
You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
%%
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
%%
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
mayonnaise salesman.
%%
   You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
      -- Sherlock Holmes
%%
You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
%%
You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You're not paid enough to
worry.
%%
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
%%
You're at the end of the road again.
%%
You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
%%
You're never too old to become younger.
      -- Mae West
%%
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
      -- Dean Martin
%%
You're not my type.  For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
%%
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
%%
"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."
      -- Gary Giddens
%%
"You've got to think about tomorrow!"

"TOMORROW!  I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!"
%%
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
%%
Your fault: core dumped
%%
   Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
chance to kill you.  This is called a "circuit".  The most common home
electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
damage your carpet.  The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
your fuses regularly.
   Another common problem is that the lights flicker.  This
sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking.  If you're not
sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
fine documentary film based on an actual book.  Or call in a licensed
electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
table, etc.
      -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%%
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
%%
Your lucky color has faded.
%%
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
%%
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
%%
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
%%
Zero Defects, n.:
   The result of shutting down a production line.
%%
Zounds!  I was never so bethumped with words
since I first called my brother's father dad.
      -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
%%
FORTRAN - Your grey-haired grandmother.  People make fun of her just because
she is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn from her
experiences and her mistakes.  During her lifetime she has acquired many
useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries) That no younger
women can match, so be thankful she is still around.  She has a notoriously
bad temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes.  It was
mostly her bad temper that made grandad search for another wife.
- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
COBOL - A plump secretary.  She talks far too much, and most of what she says
can be ignored.  She works hard and long hours, but can't handle really
complicated jobs.  She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really
likes working with her.  She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows
bland recipes.
- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
BASIC - The horny divorcee that lives next door.  Her specialty is seducing
young boys and it seems she is always readily available for them.  She
teaches them many amazing things, or at least they seem amazing because it is
their) first experience.  She is not that young herself, but because she was
their first lover the boys always remember her fondly.  Her cooking and
sewing skills are mediocre, but largely irrelevant, it's the frolicking that
the boys like.  The opinion that adults have of Mrs.  BASIC is varied.
Shockingly, some fathers actually introduce their own sons to this immoral
woman!  But generally the more righteous adults try to correct the badly
influenced young men by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss
Pascal.
- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
PL/I - A bordello madam.  She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high
heels.  At one time she seemed very attractive, but now she just seems
overweight and tacky.  Tastes change.
- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
C - A lady executive.  An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative.
Is an good cook if you like spicy food.  Unless you double check everything
you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper.  Her daughter C++
is still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow
up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character.
- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
ALGOL 60 - Your father's wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned, and
sweet tempered.  She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your dad
still talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance.  He never
actually tasted much of her cooking.
- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
Pascal - A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister.  Like her
sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy.  She is a good cook but
only if the recipe requires no more than one pot (module).
- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
ALGOL 68 - Algol 60's niece.  A high-society woman, well educated and terse.
Few men can fully understand her when she talks, and her former lovers still
discuss her mysterious personality.  She is very choosy about her romances
and won't take just any man as her lover.  She hasn't been seen lately, and
rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower.
- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
LISP - She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her hippie
cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH.  Many men (mostly college students) who have
visited the farmhouse,-- enthusiastically praise the natural food, and
perpetual love-ins that take place there.  Others criticize the long cooking
times, and the abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although these
women seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise
them for their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency.
- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
APL - A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food.  She can cook delicious
meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at each table.  She
doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her work down.  Few people can
understand her recipes, since they are in a foreign language, and are all
recorded in mirror writing.
- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
LOGO - A grade-school art teacher.  She is just the kind of teacher that you
wish you had when you were young.  She is shapely and patient, but not an
interesting conversationalist.  She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but
not full-course meals.
- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
LUCID & PROLOG - These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking skill.
They can cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes, working solely from a
description of the desired meal (declarative cooking).  Many men are
fascinated by this and have already proposed marriage.  Others complain that
the girls work very slowly, and that often the description of the meal must
be just as long as a recipe would be.  It is hard to predict what these girls
will be like when they are fully mature.
- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
Ada - A WAC colonel built like an amazon.  She is always setting strict
rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper.  She is quite talkative,
always spouting army regulations, and using obscure military talk.  You gotta
love her though, because the army says so.
- Daniel J. Salomon
%%
"Anything sufficiently bizzarre is indistinguishable from the truth."
-- Steve Gardner
%%
Reporter: Ah.  So, kids, caught anything?
Lisa:     Not yet, sir.
Reporter: Uh huh.  Uh, what are you using for bait?
Lisa:     My brother's using worms, but I who feel the tranquility
          outweights the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
Reporter: I see.  And what's your name, son?
Bart:     I'm Bart Simpson.  Who the hell are you?
Reporter: Heh heh.  I'm Dave Shutton, I'm an investigative reporter who's
          on the road a lot and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk
          that way to our elders.
Bart:     Well, this is my day, and we do, sir.
          [catches something on the line, with appropriate `Hulp!' noises]
          All right!  We eat tonight!
-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
%%
Mutation Caught At Ol' Fishin' Hole
* Is Power Plant Responsible?
------------------------------------------------
Boy Was Using Five Pound Test And Ordinary Worms
------------------------------------------------
Sister Was Just There For The Tranquility
------------------------------------------------
-- The Springfield Shopper headlines,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
%%
Fishin' Hole Or Fission Hole?
* Burns Denies Responsibility In Fish Flap
------------------------------------------
Count The Eyes, Mr. Burns!
------------------------------------------
-- The Springfield Shopper headlines,
   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
%%
> Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?  can you give me
> some hints?  I can get two sides opposite to each other completed, but that's
> it.
> 
>             AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

Rubik's cube can be easily pulled apart and put back together again.  First,
position one side at a diagonal to the others so that you can use a small coin
to prise a corner out.  The others can then slip out easily without the coin.

I used this method to trick a sister of my brother's wife many years ago will
she was out of the room.  (My bother and others were watching at the time)
I had just got it back together when she walked back in.  Should have seen the
look on her face when I gave the cube back to her!
-- Glenn Wallace
%%
>   Gee, you guys are all way ahead of me!  I'm still here trying to figure
>   out the 4x1x1 Rubik's String.

And me! I'm going berzerk trying to figure out the 1x1x1 Rubik's
spot...
Maybe if I squeeze it harder on this side...

-- pjv@fct.unl.pt -*- pjv@unl.uucp
%%
> Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?

Here's the solution:
1) Look at cube.  Is it done?
2) If yes, stop.  If no, twist one face (of the cube) and go to step 1.

There's only a finite number of states, so if you avoid repetition,
you are sure to finish.

The tricky one is the 3x3x3x3 hypercube.  I *almost* had it, but
I did a fourth-dimensional twist wrong, and my hand disppeared.

I have heard that Mr Space Gopher also posted the GGBJ to rec.puzzles,
for the sake of symmetry.

-- Brian Scearce (bls@robin.svl.cdc.com)
%%
>Rubik's cube can be easily pulled apart and put back together again.  First,
>position one side at a diagonal to the others so that you can use a small coin
>to prise a corner out.  The others can then slip out easily without the coin.

A much meaner trick is to reassemble the cube with only one piece flipped or only one corner twisted.  There is no way to flip or twist only one piece - all the
methods affect two pieces.  For greater effect, after you reassemble it so its
impossible to solve, scramble the cube so it won't be so obvious.  When they
first came out, I knew someone who was quite obnoxious about bragging about how
quickly he could solve the cube - his best time was somewhere in the three
minute range. This trick sure shut him up.
-- Joe Block (jpb@umbio.med.miami.edu)
%%
- Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?  can you
- give me some hints?  I can get two sides opposite to each other
- completed, but that's it.
- 

Just take all the little stickers off, and place the thus denuded cube
in your microwave.  Set the timer to seven minutes, right about at the
end of which you will greater worries than your inability to solve
your cube.  Trust me I have done this.
-- Asim.
%%
>Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?  can you give me
>some hints?  I can get two sides opposite to each other completed, but that's
>it.
Here's my method for solving Rubik's cube.
1.  Get one side the same completed.  That side should be the same colour,
and the first row of each of the adjacent sides should contain one colour each.
2.  Peel off any coloured squares that make the cube look wrong.
3.  Glue the squares back on so that each side of the cube contains only one
colour.
4.  If part 3 fails, try another type of glue.
5.  If part 4 fails, throw away the coloured squares and paint the parts
from which you took the squares.  Be careful that you paint the parts of
one side, one colour.
6.  If part 5 fails, remember that water colours don't work well on plastic.
Try enamel or acrylic paints instead.  They're available from model shops.

Alternatively, use a large hammer.  This will not arrange the coloured
squares correctly, but it can give great satisfaction.
--Adrian Hurt adrian@uk.ac.hw.cs
%%
>HELP!!!!
>
>Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?  can you give me
>some hints?  I can get two sides opposite to each other completed, but that's
>it.
>
>            AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!
try getting all six sides to match.  That might work.
%%
>> Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?  can you give me
>> some hints?  I can get two sides opposite to each other completed, but that's
>> it.
>
>Rubik's cube can be easily pulled apart and put back together again.  First,
>position one side at a diagonal to the others so that you can use a small coin
>to prise a corner out.  The others can then slip out easily without the coin.
>

Heehee, another nifty thing to do is to find one of those geeks that can solve
the cube in x number of minutes.  Borrow his cube for a sec, take it apart, and
turn one of the corner pieces one turn when putting it back together.  He will 
have a hard time solving it!  This one is also good when money is on the line.

-- Mickey R. Boyd  boyd@fsucs.cs.fsu.edu
%%
>HELP!!!!
>
>Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?  can you give me
>some hints?  I can get two sides opposite to each other completed, but that's
>it.

The only solution for Rubik's Hypercube is:
I.    Read The Green Golfball Joke a few times to get yourself
      in the proper mood;  also, all the laughing will loosen
      your muscles to make it easier to twist that li'l brainwrecker.
II.   Smear all sides of the cube with peanut butter, then set it on fire.
III.  Press the melting plastic to your forehead while repeating
      the sacred chant "Owa tagoo siam" six hundred and sixty-seven times.
IV.   Place $667 in a large envelope and send it, Federal Express,
      to the address in my .signature.
V.    Watch "Small Wonder" and tapes of old "Match Game '77" episodes
      until your eyeballs fall out.
-- James "Kibo" Parry       kibo@rpi.edu
%%
>Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?  can you give me
>some hints?  I can get two sides opposite to each other completed, but that's
>it.

I guess it's a bit funny that you do two sides first, instead of the
corners and edges first followed by the inside centers.  Not quite the
best joke I've read today, though.

OBJ:  some of the puzzles pictured in the catalogs with the latest issue
of Cubism For Fun.  I laughed out loud at a few of them.  One is in the
shape of a house, based on a Skewb.
-- Norman Diamond diamond@tkov50.enet.dec.com
%%
}HELP!!!!
}
}Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?  can you give me
}some hints?  I can get two sides opposite to each other completed, but that's
}it.

Bah! That's a piece o' cake...

I just can't figure out this damned 4x4x4x4 Rubik's HyperCube...!!!!!!
-- Jim Jagielski jim@jagubox.gsfc.nasa.gov
%%
"Exploding is a perfectly normal medical phenomenon. In many fields of
 medicine nowadays, a dose of dynamite can do a world of good."
%%
>HELP!!!!

>Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?  can you give me
>some hints?  I can get two sides opposite to each other completed, but that's
>it.
With a screwdriver you can pop the cube apart and put it back
together correctly in about 5 minutes
%%
>}HELP!!!!
>}
>}Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?  can you give me
>}some hints?  I can get two sides opposite to each other completed, but that's
>}it.
>Bah! That's a piece o' cake...
>I just can't figure out this damned 4x4x4x4 Rubik's HyperCube...!!!!!!
     Gee, you guys are all way ahead of me!  I'm still here trying to figure
out the 4x1x1 Rubik's String.
%%
>HELP!!!!
>
>Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?  can you give me
>some hints?  I can get two sides opposite to each other completed, but that's
>it.
I've heard rumors to the effect that the 'cube' is actually a massive
practical joke designed to make everyone with an IQ of less than 100
embarass themselves in public.
 
I couldn't solve it either. I gave up.
-- John M. Hughes datalog.com!moondog!jmh 
%%
>>Does anybody know how to do the damnable 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube?
>Bah! That's a piece o' cake...
>I just can't figure out this damned 4x4x4x4 Rubik's HyperCube...!!!!!!

Peel the stickers off and stick them in a parallel 3-space.
-- Norman Diamond       diamond@tkov50.enet.dec.com
%%
[9] From: Mark Swift 4/4/91 4:58PM (892 bytes: 17 ln)

          Microsoft C 25.25

          C** Compiler Version 25.25, Command Line Release
          Copyright (c) 1983-2525 Microsoft Corporation
          Copyright (c) 2525 Bill Gates XIV

          Compiling ai.c

          Warning C1007: Obvious Attempt to Perform Pointless Operation
          Warning C1009: Attempt to Bypass Unforgiving C Compiler Detected
          Warning C5150: Attempt to Crash C Compiler Circumvented
          Warning C2109: Internal Programmer Recognition Module Failed
          Warning C2007: Attempt to Intuit Programmer's Intent Failed
          Warning C0001: Compiler Out of Patience

-- Jim Pickering c/o Technical Solutions 
%%
"String literal too long (I let you have 512 characters, that's 3 more 
than ANSI said I should)"
-Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message.
%%
"...And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels 
inside a switch statement'"
-Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message.
%%
"a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program"
-Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message.
%%
"'Volatile' and 'Register' are not miscible"
-Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message.
%%
"You can't modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument with the IRS,
or satisfy this compiler"
-Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message.
%%
"This struct already has a perfectly good definition"
-Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message.
%%
"This onion already has a perfectly good definition"
-Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message.
%%
"type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39,
lines 10-11 (I know you don't care, I'm just trying to annoy you)"
-Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message.
%%
"Can't cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says so, 
that's why)"
-Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message.
%%
"Huh ?"
-Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message.
%%
"can't go mucking with a 'void *'"
-Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message.
%%
"we already did this function"
-Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message.
%%
"This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this 
label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your
window wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message"
-Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message.
%%
"Call me paranoid but finding '/*' inside this comment makes me suspicious"
-Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message.
%%
"Too many errors on one line (make fewer)"
-Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message.
%%
"Symbol table full - fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade from
your local Apple dealer"
-Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message.
%%
         How to program in "C"
         ---------------------
1] Use lots of global variables.
2] Give them cryptic names such as: X27, a_gcl, or Horace.
3] Put everything in one large .h file.
4] Implement the entire project at once.
5] Use macros and #defines to emulate Pascal.
6] Assume the compiler takes care of all the little details you didn't
   quite understand.
%%
"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"
%%
         How to debug a "C" program.
         ---------------------------

1] If at all possible, don't.  Let someone else do it.
2] Change majors.
3] Insert/remove blank lines at random spots, re-compile, and excecute.
4] Throw holy water on the terminal.
5] Dial 911 and scream.
6] There is rumour that "printf" is useful, but this is probably unfounded.
7] Port everything to CP/M.
8] If it still doesn't work, re-write it in assembler.  This won't fix the 
bug, but it will make sure no one else finds it and makes you look bad.
%%
   From the Tonight Show last night:

   Item n on Johnny's list of "Things I have Learned": Never get too
attached to a house.

   Robin William's comment on the above: "Ah yes, divorce.  From the
latin for 'having your genitals torn off through your wallet.'"
%%
The revised Lord's Prayer as sent by The Reverend Kenneth Scott
of Thornhill, Ontario to the Toronto _Globe_&_Mail_ and there published
Saturday, 15 November 1986 on p. D7.

Our universal chairperson in outer space
your identity enjoys the highest rating on a prioritized selectivity scale
may your sphere of influence take on reality parameters
may your mindset be implemented on this planet as in outer space.
Allot to us, at this point in time and on a per diem basis, a sufficient
and balanced dietary food intake
and rationalize a disclaimer against our negative feedback
as we rationalize a disclaimer against the negative feedback of others
and deprogram our negative potentialities
but desensitize the impact of the counter-productive force
for yours is the dominant sphere of influence
the ultimate capability (non-nuclear)
and the highest qualitative analysis rating
at this point in time and extending beyond a limited time-frame
End of message.
%%
From: The evolution of mathematics education during the last 30 years.
1960's:
A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10.  His costs amount to 4/5 of his
selling price.  What is his profit?
%%
From: The evolution of mathematics education during the last 30 years.
1970's
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10.  His costs amount to 4/5 of his
selling price, i.e. $8.  What is his profit?
%%
From: The evolution of mathematics education during the last 30 years.
1970's (New Math)
A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with a set M of money.  The cardinality
of the set M is equal to $10 and each element of M is worth $1.  Draw 10 big
dots representing the elements of M.

The set C of production costs is comprised of 2 big dots less than the set M.
Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the
cardinality of the set of profits? (Draw everything in red).
%%
From: The evolution of mathematics education during the last 30 years.
1980's:
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10.  His production costs are $8 and his
profit is $2.  Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss with your classmates.
%%
From: The evolution of mathematics education during the last 30 years.
1990's:
A kapitalist pigg undjustlee akires $2 on a sak of patatos.  Analiz this tekst
and sertch for erors in speling, contens, grandmar and ponctuassion, and
than ekspress your vioos regardeng this metid of geting ritch.
%%
   In a decision sure to cause major controversy for several minutes,
the US Supreme Court struck down the First Law of Nature, judging it to be
unlawfully discriminatory.

   Though never actually written down, the First Law of Nature is
generally accepted by the American Bar Association to be, "If an individual
or collection of individuals puts into practice or causes to be put into
practice an action which, measured against the judgement of a reasonable
person, is unwise or lacking in basic common sense, then the aforementioned
individual or collection of individuals shall suffer all consequences
resulting from that action, up to and including loss of life."

   Translation:  "You do something stupid, you die."
%%