Red Dwarf quotes, from Karl.
%%
-"It's the old,old story:
	Droid meets Droid,
	Droid becomes Chameleon,
	Droid loses Chameleon,
	Chameleon turns into Blob,
	Droid gets Blob back again,
	Blob meets Blob,
	Blob goes off with Blob,
	and Droid loses Blob, Chameleon, and Droid.

 How many times have we seen that story! "
%%
"But I was only away for a couple of minutes!"
     --Kryten, on being told the crew was dead
%%
"Isn't it about this time your head goes back to the lab for re-chewing?"
     --Rimmer to Kryten
%%
It's a state of the art sandwich, innit?
It's the State of the floor I'm worried about!
%%
From 'The End':
Lister: 'You see I try sir.  I'm not an insubordinate man by nature.  I try and
        respect and everything, but it's not easy because he's such a smeghead.'
Rimmer: 'Did you hear that sir?  Lister, do you have any conception of the
        penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?'
Captain:'Oh Rimmer, you are a smeghead.'
%%
From 'The End':
'You didn't have the right parents, well whose parents did you have then?'
        - Lister to Rimmer
%%
Cat:    'Have you seen Rimmer's arm?'
Lister: 'No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback!'
%%
From 'Me^2':
Lister: 'Come on, what are you, a man or a munchkin?'
Rimmer: 'I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.'
%%
From 'Me^2':
'That's rich coming from Miss Yo-yo knickers.'
        - Lister to his female counterpart
%%
From 'Queeg':
'I had this Geography teacher Miss Foster, she took us on a school summer
camp trip to the Ganwee.  I had the tent next to her, right.  And in the middle
of the night I was woken up by this really wierd noise.  She didn't think men
were better than machines.'
        - Lister, after Rimmer states that man is better than machine.
%%
From 'Queeg':
Cat:    'Look at my hands, I had lovely hands.'
Lister: 'Well wear the smegging gloves.'
Cat:    '(picking up gloves) Marigold with blue?  Are you crazy?'
%%
From 'Queeg':
Lister: 'Look at what he's given me for dinner, a pea on toast.  One pea.  I
        tell you I'm that far from cracking.  (goes to cut the pea, it rolls
        away) I've lost my pea, oh that's it I've cracked.'
Rimmer: 'He's just doing this to destroy your morale.'
Lister: 'Is he.  Well.  I want my pea back, it's my pea, I earned that pea.
        Where is it?  I don't care if it's on the floor covered in fluff, if
        it's under the bed with my toenail clippings, I don't care where it is,
        it's my pea, I earned it, I'm going to eat it, no matter what!'
Rimmer: 'It flew off into your dirty sock basket.'
Lister: 'I'll just have the toast.'
%%
From 'Queeg':
Cat:    'If it's any help, I've been studying his tactics and there's a pattern
        emerging.  Every time you make a move, he makes one too (winks to
        Holly).'
Holly:  '(winks back) Thanks Cat.'
%%
From 'Queeg':
Holly:  'We are talking April, May, June, July and August fool.  Yes, that's
        right, I am Queeg.'
Rimmer, Lister, Cat:    'WHAT!!!!!!'
%%
From 'Timeslides':
Rimmer: 'Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit.  I'm 
ALIVE!!!!!' (just before he explodes)
%%
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
'That's mine, that's mine, that's mine, someone else can have that piece of
floor, that's mine, and that's mine.  Oooh, I made a lot of things mine, all
I need now is a woman.' - Cat
%%
The whole conversation in 'Camille' when Rimmer & Kryten are 
discussing how cute Camille is.
%%
From 'Camille':
Kryten: 'She looks like your cousin?  What happened, was she in some 
	kind of horrible accident?'
Rimmer: 'What, Janine?  No, she was a model!'
Kryten: 'What did she model, spark plugs?'
%%
Kryton to Camille... (in 'Camille')
'You'll like them.... Well some of them.... Well one of them..... Maybe....'
%%
From 'Backwards':
'Smmeeeeeeggggggg heeeeaaaaaadddddd' - Kryten
%%
From 'Camille':
'He's got droid rot, He's waving a bannana about and calling it an female
aardvark' - Rimmer
%%
From 'Dimension Jump':
'Smoke me a kipper, skipper; I'll be back for breakfast' - Ace Rimmer
%%
In 'The Last Day'
'Dehydration - 34%, Recollection of previous evening - 2%, embaressment
factor - 91%.  Advise repair schedule:- off line for 36 hours, re-boot
startup disk, and replace head - wow, what a night!'
- Kryten
%%
From 'The Last Day':
Lister: 'We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space.  Can someone
	explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?'
Cat:    'Hey it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone!  It's the
	policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I'm worried about!'
%%
From 'Thanks for the Memory':
Rimmer: 'You ! How did you get into art college ?'
Lister: 'The same way you always get into art college.  The same old smegging
	boring normal way everyone gets into art college.  I failed my exams
	and applied....they snapped me up!'
%%
'A superlative suggestion sir, with only two drawbacks: one, we don't 
have any defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields.  
I know that, technically, that's only one drawback, but it was such a big 
one I thought I'd mention it twice'  - Kryten (in response to the Cat's 
suggestion that they drop the defensive shields)
%%
From 'Stasis Leak': 
Holly:  Better to have loved and lost than to have listened to an album 
	by Olivia Newton John.'
Lister: Why?
Holly:  Well, anything's better than listening to an album by Olivia 
	Newton-John.
%%
[Holly - explaining the milk shortage aboard the Dwarf]
Holly:  'Nothing wrong with Dog's milk, lasts longer than any other 
	type of milk.'
Lister: 'Why's that?'
Holly:  'No bugger will drink it!'
%%
[Holly trying to help Lister recable the damaged Hollogram suite]
Lister: 'Shouldn't this cable go somewhere?'
Holly:  'Yes, connect it to the blue cable.'
--- Lister explodes ---
Holly:  'Or was that the yellow cable? Yes, I think it was the yellow cable.'
%%
My favorite moment has to be Holly's bit in Me^2; the story about the 
two supra-light fighters from the Norweb alliance, and how Lister owes 
three billion pounds... April Fool... classic!
%%
From 'Me^2':
'Your sausages now cover 98% of the Earth's surface.'
%%
From 'Balance of Power':
Rimmer: 'I thought the lamb went over rather well.'
Lister: 'Everybody thought the lamb was the cheese, and the lemon meringue
	pie, man, what was that?'
Rimmer: 'I thought you liked that - you brought some back.'
Lister: 'Yea, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot!'
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
'I may be a shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass!' - Cat
%%
From 'Queeg':
'Holly, you're as much use as a condom machine at the Vatican' - Rimmer
[What I think is almost as funny as this line is Rimmer's accent on 
'condom'.]
%%
'Lister, if two people come for a job, and one of them's dead, which one 
would you choose?' - Rimmer
%%
From 'Camille':
'The way the light catches the angles of your head...most enchanting.' 
	- Kryten to Camille
%%
'Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish.' - Cat, ordering dinner
%%
From 'Kryten':
'But I was only away for a couple of minutes!'
	- Kryten, on being told the crew was dead
%%
From 'DNA':
'Of course...lager...the only thing that can kill a vindaloo.'
	- Lister, fighting the vindaloo monster
%%
From 'The Last Day':
'Isn't it about this time your head goes back to the lab for re-chewing?'
	- Rimmer to Kryten
%%
The dialogue that begins in RD IV, D.N.A. when Kryten says to Lister 
'I'd like to discuss my penis'
%%
'No vacuum cleaner should give a human a double polaroid.'
%%
From 'The End'
Holly: 'Well she [Kochanski] won't be of much use to you on Fiji ... not 
unless it snows and you need something to grit the path'
%%
The line goes something like this:
Cat (after coming out of the closet): 'He won't find that one, not until he 
changes his boots.' (sees Lister, covers his face): 'Did you get a good 
look at him?  Could you see his face?  Could you spot him in a parade?  
I don't think so.  It could have been anyone.'
%%
From 'Dimension Jump':
'If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup.'
%%
Convict: No weapons?
Lister:  No weapons.
[they advance on the gangway]
Convict: (pulling out a knife) I lied.
Lister:  So did I. (Smiles as he whips out a steel pipe)
Convict: (pulls out a gun) I lied twice. (A short bayonet slides out the end
	 of the gun)
Lister:  (getting worried) I hadn't thought of that.
A great scene... Especially when the Cat 'finishes' him off with the shovel.
%%
From 'Dimension Jump': 'Sorry Bongo but lunch is on Millee'
%%
From 'Thanks for the Memory':
'Ahead groove factor 5! Yeah!' - Holly
%%
From 'Polymorph':
'You forgot Rimmer's Rule:  Never fight anything with more teeth than 
the entire Osmond family'
%%
'That's not a meal that's an autopsy!' - Cat
%%
From 'Future Echoes':
'It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was an 
event that could will have been taken place in the future.'
%%
From 'Confidence & Paranoia':
Lister: Love is what separates us from the animals
Rimmer: No, what separates us from the animals is that we don't
	clean our own genitals with our tongue.
%%
From 'Better than life':
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to say....
Rimmer:                 Yes?
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to tell you.... That you're a complete
			and utter smeg head.
Rimmer (suprised):      What! That isn't my fantasy!
Cat:                    No, it's mine.
%%
From 'Thanks for the Memory':
'Aliens! Breaking your leg hurts like Hell, right?  Hel....and they broke 
your legs beLOW the knee.....Hello....they broke TWO of your 
legs......Hello to....and putting the puzzle together must mean you!  
Hello to you!'
'Well, I wouldn't like to be around when one of these guys is giving a 
speech!'
%%
'Rimmer, real proper dumplings, when they're properly made do NOT bounce!'
%%
From 'Kryten':
'His name's not Mr. Arnold - it's _Rimmer_ or smeghead, or dinosaur 
breath, or molecule mind....and if you want to be really mega polite, 
we're talking mega polite here, on those rare and exceptional 
circumstances, you can call him Asshole.' - Lister to Kryten
%%
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
Confidence: 'I killed him, cha cha cha.'
Lister:     'What do you mean you killed him cha cha cha?'
%%
From 'Better than life':
'I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm 
going to eat you little fishie; 'cos I like eating fish!' - Cat
%%
From 'Justice World':
'My god, his head's exploded!' - Cat
%%
From 'DNA':
Kryten: 'The question is, how do we turn him back?'
Rimmer: 'No, the question is, do we want to?' 
(shortly after Lister has been turned into a chicken.)
%%
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
Confidence: Oxygen's for losers!
%%
From 'White Hole':
`Given that God is infinite, and given that the Universe is infinite... would
you like a toasted tea cake?' - The Talking Toaster
%%
From 'Holoship':
Rimmer: 'I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery schoolgirl mush I have ever
        been forced to endure.  I consider it an insult to my backside to have
        to sit growing carbuncles through such putrid adolescent slush.'
Kryten: 'You didn't find it uplifting?'
......
Cat:    'Personally, I thought it started well, then fell apart.  All that stuff
        about the ducks was great, then it went B&W and I fell asleep.'
Kryten: 'That was the cartoon at the beginning of the movie!'
%%
From 'Holoship':
'Well its true - a simple carpenters son who learns magic tricks like that and
_doesn't_ go into show business?'
        - Rimmer commenting on 'King of Kings' - The Story of Jesus
%%
From 'Holoship':
Kryten: 'They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer!'
Cat:    'Quick!  Let's get out of here before they bring him back.'
%%
From 'Holoship':
Nirvana:'What do you do when you want to have sex?'
Rimmer: 'Oh, we go on runs...we watch gardening video's on the ship's vid..'
%%
From 'Holoship':
Nirvana:'It was...different'
Rimmer: 'Different?'
Nirvana:'You make love like a Japanese meal - small portions but _so_ many
        courses.'
......
Nirvana:'We usually talk.'
Rimmer: 'What do you talk about?'
Nirvana:'Oh, research, new theories, mission profiles...'
Rimmer: 'Sorry, I must have seemed very boring...about all I said was
        "Geronimo".'
%%
From 'Holoship':
'Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally wierd, stuck up
megalomaniacs...do you really think you'll fit in with them?  What am I saying?
Bon Voyage.' - Lister
%%
From 'Holoship':
'Sir, I beg you to reconsider.  If not for your sanity, you haven't even
considered the moral implications of your decision.  You will be joining a
society where you will be forced to have sex with beautiful woman twice daily,
on demand.  Now, am I the only one here who finds that slightly tacky? ....
well, clearly I am.' - Kryten
%%
From 'Holoship':
'You must remember that he is operating on a completely different level to us
now.  To him, we are the mental equivalent of domestic science teachers.'
        - Kryten, describing Rimmer with mind implants.
%%
From 'Holoship':
Woman:  'I'd just like to get 1 thing clear in my mind.  This is an opportunity
        to be revived as a hologram and become a part of the crew ... and the
        crew is you 3. Basically, you spend your time salvaging derilict
        spaceships, playing poker, and eating currys?'
Lister: 'We don't exactly do much salvaging.'
Woman:  'But you do sound like you eat a lot of currys?'
Kryten: 'We don't exactly eat currys every night.  In fact, I distinctly
        remember a time last June, Mr Lister had a pizza.  Remember? And you
        didn't like it, then I poured curry sauce all over it, and you loved
        it!'
Woman:  'And the all night poker sessions.  Is it always _strip_ poker?'
Lister: 'It all depends on how drunk we are.'
Cat:    'Or how much curry he's had.'
Woman:  'So, and this probably sounds like a stupid question, you don't have
        much interest in horse riding or ballet?'
Lister: 'Fine by us, just so long as we can have a curry afterwards, we're cool.
        Well of course, there's one or two other people we have to see, but in
        theory, if offered the post of replacement hologram, would you accept?'
Woman:  'No.  No, I think I'm better where I am.'
Cat:    'But you're dead!'
Woman:  'Exactly, and meeting you guys has really make me appreciate it.'
%%
From 'Holoship':
'But, I just want to say, over the years, I have come to regard you as...people
I met.' - Rimmer, making his goodbyes.
%%
From 'Holoship':
'Oh and sir, you're wrong.  We won't be apart - we'll just not be together.
[pause] I can't believe I just said that.' - Rimmer, talking about Nirvana
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
Kryten: 'Ah, Virgil's Aeneid, oh the epic tale of Agamennon's pursuit of Helen
        of Troy.  The classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put quill
        to parchment.'
Lister: 'Yeah, its the comic book version.'
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
Kryten: 'That is the Inquisitor.  He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the
        wretched, and deletes the worthless.'
Rimmer: 'We're in big trouble.'
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
Rimmer: 'Why did no one mention this before.  If I had been told about this at
        the start, that the whole object was to lead a worthwhile life, I
        could have done something about it.  All those charity telethons that I
        pledged to - if I had known, I would have given them _my_ credit card
        number.
Kryten: 'Sir, sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist, or a missionary
        worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life.'
Rimmer: 'Oh god.'
Kryten: 'Make a contribution.'
Rimmer: 'Oh God.'
Kryten: 'No matter how small.'
Rimmer: 'Oh GOD.'
Kryten: 'You simply, simply, have to have to have led a life that wasn't totally
        egocentric, self centered, and self serving.'
Rimmer: 'You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?'
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
Inquisitor:     'Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, you're judge
                shall be ... yourself.'
Rimmer:         'Oh SMEG.'
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
'Some might say that I'm a pretty shallow guy, but shallow guy with a great
ass.' - Cat, justifying himself.
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
Lister: 'If you've got some amazingly secret plan up your sleeves Kryten, now is
        the time to tell me about it.'
Kryten: 'No plan sir.  No sleeves.'
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
Lister: 'We used to be your shipmates.'
Rimmer: 'Only - we've forgotten you.'
Lister: 'Yeah.'
Rimmer: 'Well, I don't know about you - but I'm convinced.'
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
'You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard and 4 people committed
suicide!' - Lister, trying to persuade Rimmer that he knows him.
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
'Excuse me, could I please just distract you for one brief second?'
        - Kryten, distracting the Inquisitor
%%
From 'Inquisitor':
'Nyaa.  It's the old back firing time gauntlet trick..'
        - Lister
%%
From 'Terrorform':
Lister: 'Help.  Something is crawling up my leg.  I think it's a taranshula.'
Cat:    '(You're playing that dumb adventure game!)'
Lister: 'It's in my boxers.  I think it's making a nest.'
Cat:    '(Try buying a potion from Gandalf the master wizard - that's what I
        usually do.)'
Lister: 'I'm SERIOUS.'
Cat:    'It has an eye the size of a meatball.'
Lister: 'Kill it.'
Cat:    'How?'
Lister: 'I can't think straight.  I've got a taranshula with an eye the size of
        a meatball setting up home in my joy department.  Help me.'
Cat:    'I'm scared'
Lister: 'YOU'RE scared?  How do you think I feel?'
Cat:    'You haven't SEEN it!'
Lister: 'The lower half of my body has gone numb.'
Cat:    'That's probably for the best.'
Lister: 'It's moving.  Oh *#%^**!!!!'
Hand:   'Hello.  Kryten in danger.  No time to explain.  Follow.'
%%
From 'Terrorform':
'Sir - a couple of brief points.  Firstly, you're not a qualified service
engineer, and consequently, sawing me in two will invalidate my warranty.
Secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open a sardine can that was already open.'
        - Kryten
%%
From 'Terrorform':
Lister: 'Is it me, or are those frogs saying useless?'
Frogs:  'Useless, useless, Rimmer you're useless.'
Cat:    'Hey wow, you've got a giant blood sucking leech on your neck!  And it's
        got a human face!'
Lister: 'It's Rimmer's mum!'
%%
From 'Back to Reality':
Cat:    'Wait a minute, I've got it, they have swam south for the winter.'
Kryten: 'That's birds sir.'
Cat:    'Birds 'swim' south for the winter !?!?! How do they breath ?'
%%
From 'Back to Reality':
'Why would a haddock kill itself?  Why am I even asking that question?'
        - Lister, when they discover the suicides
%%
From 'Back to Reality':
'Hang five guys. I'm getting something. He committed suicide, he committed
suicide, he committed suicide, the fish committed suicide. There is some kind
of link here I can't quite grasp (? obscured by laugh track).' - Cat
%%
From 'Back to Reality':
Kryten: 'Some kind of sea creature, a life form we have never seen before
        attacked the ship. It has a very curious defence form. It secretes a
        venom, a poison, possibly even a hallucenogenic which disfunctions its
        prey by inducing despair. That's why the crew members, and even that
        fish, committed suicide. Unfortunately, we have become contaminated.
        It's a greatly reduced dose but we may find that we do experience
        (bursts into tears) moments of despair and anguish.'
Rimmer: 'What about Lister and the Cat?'
Lister: 'I'm OK. I don't seem to be affected. It's true, I don't think anyone
        has ever truly loved me in my entire life.
Cat:    'What is it with you guys? This is like Saturday night at the Wailing
        Wall. Why is it always me that has to be the strong one? I mean you
        guys just fall apart (crying).'
%%
From 'Back to Reality':
Kryten: 'Listen, whoever you are, don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am
        around because almost certainly whoever I am, I'm not going to take any
        crap from whoever you are. So before you start ordering me around lets
        establish whether I am the type of guy who doesn't mind being ordered
        around or whether I get all up tight by being ordered about by whatever
        type of guy you are. CLEAR !!'
......
Kryten: 'Jake Bullet, Cybernautic Detective. I like the sound of that. That
        sounds like the kind of hard living flat foot who gets the job done by
        cutting corners and bucking authority, and if those pen pushers up at
        City Hall don't like it, well they can park their overpayed fat arse's
        on this middle digit and swivel. Swivel until they squeal like pigs on
        a honeymoon.
Rimmer: 'On the other hand 'Mr Bullet', perhaps the Cybernautics division is
        in charge of traffic control and you just happen to have a rather silly
        macho name.'
......
Kryten: 'Bullet. Cybernautics.'
Cop:    'That's traffic control.'
%%
From 'Back to Reality':
Rimmer: 'Billy Doyle. Well that's a name that comes from the wrong side of the
        the tracks isn't it. You can see it all now. A youth spent in and out of
        corrective institutions, a string of illegitimate children. The wife
        will be all white shoes, no tights and blotchy legs. He has to take up
        petty crime to cover the court orders for the maintenance. Before he
        knows it he's standing in a bank with a sawn off shotgun. Somehow it
        goes off. An old lady gets both barrels through a crocheted bobbly
        hat. All he can do is hide. But where, and that it hits him. With all
        his ill-gotten gains he can buy 4 years in a computer game and wait
        until the heat is off. And so it ends, the Ballard of Billy 'Granny
        Killer' Doyle.'
Lister: '(To Rimmer) It's yours.'
Rimmer: 'What?!'
Lister: 'It's yours.... Bill.'
Rimmer: 'No.'
Lister: 'Check the ugly mug on the ID then man.'
Rimmer: 'William Doyle. 'William Doyle'. Good old Bill Doyle. That sounds like a
        hell of a good name to me. Probably connected to the Boston Doyles. Old
        money, blue chip stock. You know I think it's all starting to come back
        to me now.'
Lister: 'What puzzles me slightly, is what a man of such undoubtedly good
        breeding is doing with a coat that smells like an elderly male Yak has
        taken a leak in both pockets.'
Rimmer: 'Well isn't it obvious.'
Kryten: 'No it isn't.'
Rimmer: 'OH MY GOD. My name is Billy Doyle and my cologne is Eau de Yak Urine.'
%%
From 'Back to Reality':
'This is a nightmare. I'm on the run from the fascist police with a murderer, a
mass murderer and a man in a white nylon shirt. A piece of flotsam, jetsam
human wreckage sputum bag who smells like a Yak latrine. And now my best
flashing mac' is about to be splattered with an androids brain. I'm after you
with the gun.' - Rimmer
%%
NOT from RD but from alt.tv.red-dwarf:
'(Is it just me, or does everyone whistle the theme song when reading this 
newsgroup?)'
%%
Kryten: Now I understand why they didn't bother with a handshake.
        Holocrews are legendarilly arrogant.  They despise stupidity
        wherever they see it, and they see it everywhere.
%%
Bink:   Bink to enlightenment.  Have arrived on the derelict.  Confirmed
        initial speculation there is absolutely nothing of any value or
        interest here.  It's a field class two ship-to-surface vessle.
        The very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight
        design flaws.  Crew: three.  One series four thousand mechanoid,
        almost burnt out.  Give it maybe three years.  Nothing of
        salvagable value.  Ah, felis sapiens, bred from the domestic house
        cat, and about half as smart.  Uh, no value in future study of
        this species.  What have we here?  A human being, or a very close
        approximation.  Chronological age: mid twenties.  Physical age:
        forty-seven.  Slightly overweight, unnecissarily ugly.  Otherwise
        would reccomend it for the museum.  Apart from that there is no
        value or interest.
%%
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf.  We have a Binks, a complete smeg-pot.
        Brains: in the anal region.  Chin: absent, presumed missing.
        Genetalia: small and offensive.  Of no value or interest.
Binks:  Binks to Enlightenment.  Evidence of primitive humor.  The human
        has knowledge of irony, satire, and immitation.  With patient
        tuition could maybe master simple tasks.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf.  Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble.
        Seems unable to grasp simple threats.  With carefull pummeling
        could possible be sucking somebodies lunch through a straw.
Binks:  Binks to Enlightenment.  The human is under the delusion that he
        is somehow able to bestow physical violence on a hologram.
%%
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf.  The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware
        that we have a holo-whip in the munitions cabinet.  And I think,
        once his derierre is minced like burger meat, he's going to be
        history in two seconds flat.
Binks:  Binks to Enlightenment.  Recon mission complete.  Transmit, with
        speed.  Enlightenment, quickly please.
%%
Lister: He's read every book in the Medical Library?
Kryten: In under three hours.  The change is quite astonishing.  Sir, I
        feel I should warn you: this is not the pile of human wreckage we
        know as Arnold Rimmer.  Er, mm, prepare yourself, sir, um, we've
        recieved the coordinates.  Perhaps we should, huh, um, be `making
        tracks'.
%%
Rimmer: Kry-ten!  Assuming, assuming of course we're not dealing with five
        dimensional objects in a basically Euclidean geometric universe,
        and given the essential premis that all geomathematics is based on
        the hideously limiting notion of one plus one equals two, and as
        Asterman correctly postulated one and two are the same thing
        observed from different precepts: I feel that the universe as
        described by by Sites must therefore be a poly-dry-doc-decahohedron
        hexa-hexa-hedro-attacon a-di-dibolic-hedra-hedron.  Everything
        else is poppycock, isn't that so?
Lister: Rimmer?
%%
Rimmer: I wrote a palindromic Hiku this morning.  Perhaps you'd like to
        hear it?
Kryten: I'm afraid we don't speak Japanese, sir.
Rimmer: I could translate it into Manderin for you.
Lister: Rimmer, we don't speak Japanese, we don't speak Manderin, and we
        don't speak Sapzume.  He is really beginning to get on my pecks.
Kryten: You must remember, sir, that he's operating on a completely
        different level to us now.  To him we are the intellectual
        equivalent of Domestic Science teachers.  Subject ready for
        transfer.
Rimmer: Farewell gentlemen, glory awaits.
%%
Lister: You see I try sir.  I'm not an insubordinate man by nature.  I
	try and respect Rimmer, but it's not easy because he's such a 
	smeghead.  
Rimmer: Did you hear that sir?  Lister, do you have any conception of
	the penalty for describing a superior technician as a
	smeghead?
Todhunter: Oh Rimmer, you are a smeghead.
		-- Red Dwarf `The End'
%%
You didn't have the right parents, whose parents did you have?
		-- Lister to Rimmer in Red Dwarf `The End'
%%
Petersen: Have you seen Rimmer's arm?
Chen:     No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback!
		-- Red Dwarf `The End'
%%
Lister: Come on, what are you, a man or a munchkin?
Rimmer: I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.
		-- Red Dwarf `Parallel Universe'
%%
That's rich coming from Miss Yo-yo knickers.
		-- Lister to his female counterpart in Red Dwarf
		   `Parallel Universe'
%%
I had this Geography teacher Miss Foster, she took us on a school
summer camp trip to the Ganwee.  I had the tent next to her, right.
And in the middle of the night I was woken up by this really weird
noise.  She didn't think men were better than machines.
		-- Lister in Red Dwarf `Queeg'
%%
Cat:    Look at my hands, I had lovely hands.
Lister: Well wear the smegging gloves.
Cat:    (picking up gloves) Marigold with blue?  Are you crazy?
		-- Red Dwarf `Queeg'
%%
Lister: Look at what he's given me for dinner, a pea on toast.  One
	pea.  I tell you I'm that far from cracking.  (goes to cut the
	pea, it rolls away) I've lost my pea, oh that's it I've
	cracked.
Rimmer: He's just doing this to destroy your morale.
Lister: Is he.  Well.  I want my pea back, it's my pea, I earned that
	pea.  Where is it?  I don't care if it's on the floor covered
	in fluff, if it's under the bed with my toenail clippings, I
	don't care where it is, it's my pea, I earned it, I'm going to
	eat it, no matter what!  
Rimmer: It flew off into your dirty sock basket.  
Lister: I'll just have the toast.
		-- Red Dwarf `Queeg' 
%% 
During the chess game in `Queeg':
Cat: If it's any help, I've been studying his tactics and there's a
	pattern emerging.  Every time you make a move, he makes one
	too (winks to Holly).
Holly:  (winks back) Thanks Cat.
		-- Red Dwarf 
%%
Holly: We are talking April, May, June, July and August fool.  Yes,
	that's right, I am Queeg.  
Rimmer, Lister, Cat: WHAT?!!
		-- Red Dwarf `Queeg'
%%
Rimmer: Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit.
	I'm ALIVE!!!!! (just before he explodes)
		-- Red Dwarf `Timeslides'
%%
This is mine; that's mine,[etc.]; I'm claiming all this as mine ...
except that bit.  I don't want that bit.  But all the rest of this is
mine!  Hey, this has been a good day!  I've eaten five times, I've
slept six times, and I made a lot of things mine!  Tomorrow I'm going
to see if I can have sex with something!
		-- Cat in Red Dwarf `Confidence and Paranoia'
%%
Kryten: She looks like your cousin?  What happened, was she in some 
	kind of horrible accident?
Rimmer: What, Janine?  No, she was a model!
Kryten: What did she model, spark plugs?
		-- Red Dwarf `Camille'
%%
You'll like them... Well some of them... Well one of them... Maybe....
		-- Kryten to Camille in Red Dwarf `Camille'
%%
Smmeeeeeeggggggg heeeeaaaaaadddddd
		-- Kryten in Red Dwarf 
%% 
He's got 'droid rot.  He's waving a banana in front of my face and
calling it an aardvark
		-- Rimmer in Red Dwarf `Camille'
%%
Smoke me a kipper, skipper; I'll be back for breakfast.
		-- Ace Rimmer in Red Dwarf `Dimension Jump'
%%
Dehydration - 34%, Recollection of previous evening - 2%, embarrassment
factor - 91%.  Advise repair schedule:- off line for 36 hours, re-boot
startup disk, and replace head - wow, what a night! 
		-- Kryten in Red Dwarf `Dimension Jump'
%%
Lister: We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space.  Can
	someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
Cat: Hey it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone!  It's
	the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders taht I don't
	understand!
		-- Red Dwarf `The Last Day'
%%
Rimmer: You? How did you get into art college?
Lister: The same way you always get into art college.  The same old
	usual boring normal way everyone gets into art college.  I
	failed my exams and applied...they snapped me up!
		-- Red Dwarf `Thanks for the Memory'
%%
A superlative suggestion sir, with just two minor flaws: one, we don't 
have any defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields.  
I know that, technically, that's only one flaw, but it was such a big 
one I thought I'd mention it twice.  
		-- Kryten (in response to the Cat's suggestion that
		   they drop the defensive shields) in Red Dwarf 
		   `Holoship'
%%
Holly: Better to have loved and lost than to listen to an album
	by Olivia Newton John.
Lister: Why?
Holly:  Well, anything's better than listening to an album by Olivia 
	Newton-John.
		-- Red Dwarf `Stasis Leak' 
%%
Lister: Shouldn't this cable go somewhere?
Holly:  Yes, connect it to the blue cable.
[F/X Lister is electrocuted]
Holly: Or was that the yellow cable?  Yes, I think it should be the
	yellow cable.
		-- Red Dwarf `Stasis Leak' 
%%
Your sausages, Dave, now cover 98% of the Earth's surface.
		-- Red Dwarf `Me^2'
%%
Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a
	great ass!
		-- Cat in Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
You're as much use as a condom machine at the Vatican.
		-- Rimmer to Holly in Red Dwarf `Queeg'
%%
Lister, if two people came to you for a job, and one of them's dead,
which one would you choose?
		-- Rimmer in Red Dwarf `Queeg'
%%
The way the light catches the angles of your head...most enchanting.
		-- Kryten to Camille in Red Dwarf `Camille'
%%
I'm not pished!
		-- Lister in Red Dwarf `White Hole'
%%
Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish.
		-- Cat in Red Dwarf `White Hole'
%%
My god!  But I was only away two minutes!
		-- Kryten, on being told that the Nova 5 crew
		   was dead in Red Dwarf `Kryten'
%%
Of course...lager...the only thing that can kill a vindaloo.
		-- Lister, fighting the vindaloo monster 
		   in Red Dwarf `DNA'
%%
Isn't it about this time your head goes back to the lab for re-tuning?
		-- Rimmer to Kryten in Red Dwarf `The Last Day'
%%
No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid.
		-- Red Dwarf `The Last Day'
%%
Holly: Well she [Kochanski] won't be of much use to you on Fiji now --
not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with.
		-- Red Dwarf `The End'
%%
If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup.
		-- Red Dwarf `Dimension Jump'
%%
Ahead groove factor 5! Yeah! 
		-- Holly in Red Dwarf `Thanks for the Memory'
%%
You forgot Rimmer's Rule:  Never fight anything with more teeth than 
the entire Osmond family
		-- Red Dwarf `Polymorph'
%%
This isn't a meal -- this is an autopsy! 
		-- Cat in Red Dwarf `Polymorph'
%%
It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was
an event that could will have been taken place in the future.
		-- Red Dwarf `Future Echoes'
%%
Lister: Love is what separates us from the animals
Rimmer: No, Lister -- what separates us from animals is that we don't
	use our tongues to clean our genitals.
		-- Red Dwarf `Confidence & Paranoia'
%%
Rimmer's Father:   I just wanted to say...
Rimmer:            Yes?
Rimmer's Father:   I just wanted to say...you're a total smeghead!
Rimmer:            What?! That isn't my fantasy!
Cat:               No, it's mine.
		-- Red Dwarf `Better than life'
%%
Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings, when they're properly cooked
to perfection, proper dumplings do not bounce!
		-- Lister in Red Dwarf `Thanks for the Memory'
%%
`Mr. Arnold' isn't even his name.  His name's `Rimmer'; or `Smeghead'; 
or `Dinosaur Breath'; or `Molecule Mind'.  And if you want to be really
mega-polite to him, Kryten -- we're talking mega-mega-polite -- in those
rare and exceptional circumstances, you can call him "Arsehole".
		-- Lister in Red Dwarf `Kryten'
%%
I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm going to eat you little
fishie; I'm going to eat you little fishie; 'cos I like eating fish!'
		-- Cat in Red Dwarf `Better than life'
%%
His head burst! 
		-- Cat in Red Dwarf `Justice'
%%
Kryten: The question is, how do we turn him back?
Rimmer: No, the question is, do we want to?' 
(shortly after Lister has been turned into a chicken.)
		-- Red Dwarf `DNA'
%%
Oxygen's for losers!
		-- Confidence in Red Dwarf `Confidence and
		   Paranoia'
%%
Given that God is infinite, and given that the Universe is infinite...
would you like a toasted tea cake?
		-- Talkie Toaster in Red Dwarf `White Hole'
%%
Rimmer: You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of
	trouble, you always look out for Number One, you're vain,
	you're narcissistic and you're self-obsessed.
Cat:    Hey, you just listed all my best features!
		-- Red Dwarf `White Hole'
%%
Rimmer: I thought it was the worst pile of blueberry schoolgirl mush I
	have ever been forced to endure.  I consider it an insult to
	my backside to have to sit growing carbuncles through such
	putrid adolescent slush.
Kryten: You didn't find it uplifting?
[....]
Cat: Personally, I thought it started well, then fell apart.  All that
	stuff about the ducks getting into trouble was great, but then
	it went black-and-white and I fell asleep.
Kryten: But, sir, that was the cartoon before the main programme!
		-- Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
Well its true - a simple carpenters son who learns magic tricks like
that and _doesn't_ go into show business?
        - Rimmer commenting on 'King of Kings' - The Story of Jesus
		-- Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
Nirvana: What do you do when you want to have sex?
Rimmer: We...go for runs? Watch gardening video's on the ship's vid?
		-- Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
Nirvana: It was...different
Rimmer:  Different?
Nirvana: You make love like a Japanese meal - small portions but _so_
	many courses.
[....]
Nirvana: We usually talk.
Rimmer:  What do you talk about?
Nirvana: Oh, research, new theories, mission profiles...
Rimmer: I'm sorry.  I must seem very ignorant.  I hardly said anything,
	apart from `Geronimo'.
		-- Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird, stuck
up megalomaniacs...do you really think you'll fit in with them?  What
am I saying?  Bon Voyage.
		-- Lister in Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
Sir, I beg you to reconsider.  If not for your sanity, you haven't even
considered the moral implications of your decision.  You will be joining
a society where you will be compelled to have sex with beautiful woman
twice daily, on demand.  Now, am I the only one here who finds that
just a little bit tacky? Well, quite clearly, I am.
		-- Kryten in Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
You must remember that he is operating on a completely different level
to us now.  To him, we are the mental equivalent of domestic science
teachers.
		-- Kryten, describing Rimmer with mind implants
		   in Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
But, I just want to say, over the years, I have come to regard you
as...people I met.
		-- Rimmer, making his goodbyes in Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
Oh and sir, you're wrong.  We won't be apart.  We just won't be together.
I cannot believe I just said that. 
		-- Rimmer, talking about Nirvana in Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
Kryten: Ah, Virgil's Aeneid, oh the epic tale of Agamemnon's pursuit
	of Helen of Troy.  The classic work by the greatest Latin poet
	who ever put quill to parchment.
Lister: Yeah, its the comic book version.
		-- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
Kryten: That is the Inquisitor.  He prunes away the wastrels, expunges
	the wretched, and deletes the worthless.
Rimmer: We're in big trouble.
		-- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
Rimmer: Why did no one mention this before.  If I had been told about
	this at the start, that the whole object was to lead a
	worthwhile life, I could have done something about it.  All
	those charity telethons that I pledged to - if I had known, I
	would have given them _my_ credit card number.
Kryten: Sir, sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist, or a
	missionary worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life.
Rimmer: Oh god.  
Kryten: Make a contribution.  
Rimmer: Oh God.
Kryten: No matter how small.  
Rimmer: Oh GOD.  
Kryten: You simply, simply, have to have to have led a life that
	wasn't totally egocentric, self centered, and self serving.
Rimmer: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
		-- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
Inquisitor: Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, you're
	judge shall be ... yourself.
Rimmer:     Oh SMEG.
		-- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
Some might say that I'm a pretty shallow guy, but shallow guy with a
great ass. - Cat, justifying himself.
		-- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
Lister: If you've got some amazingly secret plan up your sleeves
	Kryten, now is the time to tell me about it.
Kryten: No plan sir.  No sleeves.
		-- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard and 4 people
committed suicide!
		-- Lister, trying to persuade Rimmer that he knows him.
		   in Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
Excuse me, could I please just distract you for one brief second?
		-- Kryten, distracting the Inquisitor 
		   in Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
Nyaa.  It's the old back firing time gauntlet trick.
		-- Lister in Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
Lister: Help.  Something is crawling up my leg.  I think it's a
	tarantula.
Cat:    (You're playing that dumb adventure game!)
Lister: It's in my boxers.  I think it's making a nest.
Cat: (Try buying a potion from Gandalf the master wizard -- that's what
	I usually do.)
Lister: I'm SERIOUS.
Cat:    It has an eye the size of a meatball.
Lister: Kill it.
Cat:    How?
Lister: I can't think straight.  I've got a tarantula with an eye the
	size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department.  Help 
	me.  
Cat:	I'm scared. 
Lister:	YOU'RE scared?  How d'you think I feel?
Cat:	You haven't SEEN it!  
Lister:	The lower half of my body has gone numb.  
Cat:	That's probably for the best.  
Lister: It's moving.  Oh *#%^**!!!!  
Hand:	Hello. Kryten in danger.  No time to explain.  Follow.
		-- Red Dwarf `Terrorform'
%%
Sir -- a couple of brief points.  Firstly, you're not a qualified
service engineer, and consequently, sawing me in two will invalidate my
guarantee.  Secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open a sardine can that
was already open.
		-- Kryten in Red Dwarf `Terrorform'
%%
Cat:    Don't fish swim south for the winter?
Kryten: That's birds sir.
Cat:    Birds swim south for the winter?! How do they breathe?
		-- Red Dwarf `Back to Reality'
%%
Why would a haddock kill itself?  Why am I even asking that question?
	        - Lister, when they discover the suicides in 
		-- Red Dwarf `Back to Reality'
%%
Hang five, guys. I'm getting something. He committed suicide, he
committed suicide, he committed suicide, the fish committed suicide.
There is some kind of link here, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
		-- Cat in Red Dwarf `Back to Reality'
%%
Kryten: Some kind of sea creature, a life form we have never seen
	before attacked the ship. It has a very curious defence form.
	It secretes a venom, a poison, possibly even a hallucinogenic
	which disfunctions its prey by inducing despair. That's why
	the crew members, and even that fish, committed suicide.
	Unfortunately, we have become contaminated.  It's a greatly
	reduced dose but we may find that we do experience (bursts
	into tears) moments of despair and anguish.
Rimmer: What about Lister and the Cat?
Lister: I'm OK. I don't seem to be affected. It's true, I don't think
	anyone has ever truly loved me in my entire life.  
Cat: What is it with you guys? This is like Saturday night at the
	Wailing Wall. Why is it always me that has to be the strong
	one? I mean you guys just fall apart (crying).
		-- Red Dwarf `Back to Reality'
%%
Kryten: Listen, whoever you are, don't push your luck by ordering
	whoever I am around because almost certainly whoever I am, I'm
	not going to take any crap from whoever you are. So before you
	start ordering me around lets establish whether I am the type
	of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around or whether I get
	all up tight by being ordered about by whatever type of guy
	you are. CLEAR! [....]
Kryten: Jake Bullet, Cybernetic Detective.  I like the sound of that.
	That sounds like the kind of hard living flat foot who gets
	the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority, and if
	those pen pushers up at City Hall don't like it, well they can
	park their overpayed fat asses on this middle digit and
	swivel. Swivel until they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon.
Rimmer: On the other hand `Mr Bullet', perhaps the Cybernetics
	division is in charge of traffic control and you just happen
	to have a rather silly macho name. [....]  
Kryten: Bullet. Cybernetics.  
Cop:	That's traffic control.
		-- Red Dwarf `Back to Reality'
%%
Rimmer: Billy Doyle. Well that's a name that comes from the wrong side
	of the the tracks isn't it. You can see it all now. A youth
	spent in and out of corrective institutions, a string of
	illegitimate children. The wife will be all white shoes, no
	tights and blotchy legs. He has to take up petty crime to
	cover the court orders for the maintenance. Before he knows it
	he's standing in a bank with a sawn off shotgun. Somehow it
	goes off.  An old lady gets both barrels through a crocheted
	bobbly hat. All he can do is hide.  But where, and that it
	hits him.  With all his ill-gotten gains he can buy 4 years in
	a computer game and wait until the heat is off. And so it
	ends, the Ballard of Billy `Granny Killer' Doyle.
Lister: (To Rimmer) It's yours.
Rimmer: What?!
Lister: It's yours -- Bill.
Rimmer: No.
Lister: Check the ugly mug on the ID then man.
Rimmer: William Doyle. `William Doyle'. Good old Bill Doyle. That
	sounds like a hell of a good name to me. Probably connected to
	the Boston Doyles. Old money, blue chip stock. You know I
	think it's all starting to come back to me now.  
Lister: What puzzles me slightly, is what a man of such undoubtedly
	good breeding is doing with a coat that smells like an elderly
	male Yak has taken a leak in both pockets.  
Rimmer: Well isn't it obvious.  
Kryten: No it isn't.  
Rimmer: OH MY GOD. My name is Billy Doyle and my cologne is Eau de Yak
	Urine.
		-- Red Dwarf `Back to Reality'
%%
This is a nightmare. I'm on the run from the fascist police with a
murderer, a mass murderer and a man in a bri-nylon shirt. A piece of
flotsam, jetsam human wreckage sputum bag who smells like a Yak latrine.
And now my best flashing mac' is about to be splattered with an androids
brain. I'm after you with the gun.
		-- Rimmer in Red Dwarf `Back to Reality'
%%
Holly (quoting Capt. H.): "There's a saying amongst the officers; If
a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing,
give it to Rimmer!"
   -- Red Dwarf - `Waiting For God':
%%
Holly: Well, she [Kochanski] won't be much use to you on Fiji now -- not
       unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with.
   -- Red Dwarf - `The End':
%%
Lister: You see, I try and respect Rimmer, sir.  I'm not an insubordinate man
        by nature.  I try and respect him and everything, but it's not easy
        because he's such a smeghead.
Rimmer: Did you hear that, sir?  Lister, do you have any conception of the
        penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?
Todhunter: Oh, Rimmer, you are a smeghead.
   -- Red Dwarf - `The End':
%%
Lister: You didn't have the right parents?  Whose parents did you have?
   -- Red Dwarf - `The End':
%%
Holly: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an I.Q. of 6000 -- the same
       I.Q. of 6000 P.E. teachers.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Future Echoes':
%%
Rimmer: If you had two people coming for a job, and one of them was dead,
        which one would you pick?
   -- Red Dwarf - `Future Echoes':
%%
Rimmer: It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be
        was an event that could will have been taken place in the future.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Future Echoes':
%%
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: I will!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Balance of Power':
%%
Holly: Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going
       on. It's still an emergency. This is an emergency announcement.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Confidence and Paranoia':
%%
Confidence: I killed him, cha cha cha.
Lister:     What do you mean you killed him cha cha cha?
   -- Red Dwarf - `Confidence and Paranoia':
%%
Confidence: Oxygen's for losers!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Confidence and Paranoia':
%%
Cat: This is mine; that's mine [etc.]; I'm claiming all this as mine ...
     except that bit.  I don't want that bit.  But all the rest of this
     is mine!  Hey, this has been a good day!  I've eaten five times, I've
     slept six times, and I'd made a lot of things mine!  Tomorrow I'm going
     to see if I can't have sex with something!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Confidence and Paranoia':
%%
Lister: Love is what separates us from animals
Rimmer: No, Lister -- what separates us from animals is that we don't use our
        tongues to clean our own genitals.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Confidence and Paranoia':
%%
Lister: Ah, the Pop-Up Karma Sutra, Zero-Gravity Edition!  That's mine.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Me^2':
%%
Holly:  Busy, Dave?
Lister: Well, yeah.  I am, actually.
Holly:  Oh, then you won't want to know about the two super-lightspeed
        fighters that are tracking us.
Lister: What?!
Holly:  I'll leave you to your bubble blowing, mate.
Lister: No, Hol, come on, come on.
Holly:  They're from Earth.
Lister: Three million years away?
Holly:  They're from the NorWEB federation.
Lister: What's that?
Holly:  The North Western Electricity Board.  They want you, Dave.
Lister: Me?  Why?  What for?
Holly:  For your crimes against humanity.
Lister: You what!
Holly:  It seems when you left Earth three million years ago, you
        left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your
        kitchen.
Lister: Did I?
Holly:  You know what happens to sausages left unattended for
        three million years?
Lister: Yeah.  They go all mouldy.
Holly:  Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's
        surface.  Also you left seventeen pounds, fifty pence in a
        bank account.  Thanks to compound interest you now own
        ninety-eight percent of all the world's wealth, but since
        you've hoarded it for three million years nobody's got any
        money except for you and NorWEB.
Lister: Why NorWEB?
Holly:  You left a light on in the bathroom.  I've got a final demand
        here for one hundred and eighty billion pounds.
Lister: A hundred and eighty billion pounds!  You're kidding!
Holly:  (wearing Groucho Marx disguise) April fool.
Lister: But it's not April.
Holly:  Yeah, I know, but I could hardly wait six months with a red-hot
        jape like that under my belt.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Me^2':
%%
(exiting a closet)
Cat: He won't find that one -- not until he changes his boots. (sees Lister,
     hides his face) "Did you see him clearly? Did you get a good look at his
     face? Could you spot him in a parade?"  I don't think so -- that could
     have been anybody!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Me^2':
%%
(returns from getting tea, is told that the crew is dead)
Kryten: My god!  But I was only away two minutes!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Kryten':
%%
Lister: No way are these my boxer shorts -- these bend!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Kryten':
%%
Holly:  Nothing wrong with dog's milk: full of goodness; full of vitamins;
        full of marrow-bone jelly!  Lasts longer than any other type of
        milk, dog's milk.
Lister: Why's that?
Holly:  No bugger will drink it!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Kryten':
%%
Lister: `Mr Arnold' isn't even his name.  His name's `Rimmer'; or `Smeghead';
        or `Dinosaur breath'; or `Molecule Mind'.  And if you want to be
        really mega-polite to him, Kryten -- we're talking mega-mega-polite --
        on those rare and exceptional circumstances, you can call him
        `Arsehole'.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Kryten':
%%
Cat: I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm going to eat you little fishie;
     I'm going to eat you little fishie; 'cause I like eating fish!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Better Than Life':
%%
Rimmer: The lamb was a bit of a flop, though.
Lister: The lamb? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese! And that lemon
        meringue pie, man -- what was in that?
Rimmer: I thought you liked that -- you brought some back.
Lister: Yeah, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Better Than Life':
%%
Lister: Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings, when they're properly
        cooked to perfection, proper dumplings should not bounce!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Better Than Life':
%%
Cat:    My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry! Man, I just
        /have/ to eat!
Lister: Rimmer's dad has died.
Cat:    Well, I'd prefer chicken.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Better Than Life':
%%
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to tell you...
Rimmer:                 Yes?
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to say...
Rimmer:                 Yes?
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to say...you're a total smeghead!
Rimmer:                 What?!  This isn't my fantasy!
Cat:                    No -- it's mine.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Better Than Life':
%%
Rimmer: How about: breaking your leg hurts like hell, right?  `Hel'.  They
        do it beLOW the knee -- lo -- `Hello'; get it?  They do it twice --
        two -- `Hello to', and the jigsaw must mean `you': `Hello to you'!
Cat:    I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a
        speech!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Thanks for the Memory':
%%
Holly: Ahead groove factor 5! Yeah!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Thanks for the Memory':
%%
Holly: It's better to have loved and to have lost than to listen to an album
       by Olivia Newton-John.
Cat:   Why's that?
Holly: Anything's better than listening to an album by Olivia Newton-John.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Stasis Leak':
%%
Cat:            What is it?
Rimmer:         It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
Cat:            What is it?
Lister:         The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand
                still.  So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve
                whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat:            What is it?
Rimmer:         It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal
                laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat:            What is it?
Lister:         It's a hole back into the past.
Cat:            Oh, a magic door!  Well, why didn't you say?
   -- Red Dwarf - `Stasis Leak':
%%
Holly: I was in love once -- a Sinclair ZX-81.  People said, "No, Holly,
       she's not for you."  She was cheap, she was stupid and she wouldn't
       load -- well, not for me, anyway.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Stasis Leak':
%%
Holly: Additional: Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through loneliness.
       The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is
       the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Queeg':
%%
Rimmer: You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Queeg':
%%
Lister: I had this Geography teacher, Miss Foster. She took us on a school
        summer camp trip to the Ganwee.  I had the tent next to hers, right.
        And in the middle of the night I was woken up by this really weird
        noise.  /She/ didn't think men were better than machines.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Queeg':
%%
Lister: Look at what he's given me for dinner: a pea on toast.  One pea.
        I tell you, I'm that far from cracking.  (goes to squish the pea;
        it snaps away) I've lost my pea! Oh, that's it! I've cracked.
Rimmer: He's just doing this to destroy your morale.
Lister: Is he?  Well, I want my pea back. It's my pea. I earned that pea.
        Where is it?  I don't care if it's on the floor all covered in fluff,
        if it's under the bed with my toenail clippings, I don't care where
        it is -- it's my pea, I earned it, and I'm going to eat it no matter
        what!
Rimmer: It flew off into your dirty-sock basket.
Lister: I'll just have the toast.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Queeg':
%%
Cat:   If it's any help, I've been studying his tactics and there's a pattern
       emerging: Every time you make a move, he makes one too (winks to
       Holly).
Holly: (winks back) Thanks, Cat.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Queeg':
%%
Holly:  We are talking Jape of the Decade. We are talking April, May, June,
        July, and August, fool.  Yes, that's right -- I am Queeg.
Rimmer, Lister, Cat:    WHAT?!!!!!!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Queeg':
%%
Dog:  I tell you what: I'm gonna smell your behind, then you can smell mine!
      Now is that a deal?
Cat:  You want to smell my WHAT?
   -- Red Dwarf - `Parallel Universe':
%%
Lister: That's rich, you know, coming from Miss Yo-Yo Knickers.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Parallel Universe':
%%
"You are a stupid, square-headed, bald git, aren't you, eh?  [there is a cut
 here]  I'm pointing at you, yes, I'm pointing at you, but I'm not actually
 addressing you; I'm addressing the one prat in the country who thought he
 could get hold of this recording, turn it round, and actually work out the
 rubbish that I'm saying.  What a poor, sad life he's got!  [there is a cut
 here]  Frankly, your act's crap, anyway -- anybody could have had it.  I hate
 the lot of you!  Bollocks to you!"
{NB: Said by the club manager, backwards -- don't look for it}
   -- Red Dwarf - `Backwards':
%%
[Lister and Cat rapping]
"We didn't come here looking for trouble
 We just came to do the Red Dwarf Shuffle
 He's smart..."
   -- Red Dwarf - `Backwards':
%%
Cat:    Is that what I think it is?
Lister: What d'you think it is?
Cat:    An orange whirly thing in space!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Backwards':
%%
Rimmer: But that was a barroom brawl, that was a common pub fight,
        a shambolic drunken set-to.
Lister: ...which you started.
Rimmer: I just made an innocuous comment.  I merely voiced the rumour that
        McWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead.
        I didn't start the rumour; I merely voiced it.
Lister: ...to his face -- right to his face...when he was with his four
        biggest mates.  And then you do your roadrunner act and leave /me/
        to face the music.
Rimmer: Well, I could have got hurt!
Lister: You'd have made a brilliant general, wouldn't you?
   -- Red Dwarf - `Marooned':
%%
Rimmer: What about the Rimmer Directive, which states, "Never tangle with
        anything that's got with more teeth than the entire Osmond family"?
   -- Red Dwarf - `Polymorph':
%%
Genny:  You know, you're probably the best-looking guy I've ever seen.
Cat:    Well, I wasn't going to be the first to say it.
Genny:  Do you know what I'd really like?
Cat:    Hmm?
Genny:  I'd really like to make love to a guy like you.
Cat:    Well, I'm sure I have a window in my schedule somewhere.  Let's see,
	er, what are you doing in, say, ten seconds time?
Genny:  Nothing I couldn't cancel. (licks teeth)
Cat:    Hi, I'm the Cat.
Genny:  Hi, I'm the Genetic Mutant.
Cat:    Glad to know you ... Genny who?
   -- Red Dwarf - `Polymorph':
%%
Lister: Lemon juice? (holds up canister)
Cat:    What the hell is that?
Lister: It's a syringe.
Cat:    What kind of syringe?
Lister: It's for cows -- artificial insemination.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Polymorph':
%%
Cat: This isn't a meal -- this is an autopsy!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Polymorph':
%%
Rimmer: Erm, I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue
        here, which is "What are we going to call ourselves?" erm, and
        I think it comes down to a choice between `The League Against
        Salivating Monsters' or my own personal preference, which is
        `The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying
        Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society'.  Erm, one
        drawback with that -- the abbreviation is `CLITORIS'.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Terrorform':
%%
Kryten: We could go to Dallas in November, 1963, stand on the grassy knoll
        and shout "Duck!" ... I'm sorry; I must have bypassed my Good Taste
        Chip.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Timeslides':
%%
Lister: The wacked-out crazy hippy drummer is called Dobbin.  He joined the
        police force in the end -- became a Grand Wizard in the Freemasons.
        The bass is called Gazza.  He was a neo-marxist nihilistic anarchist.
        Eventually he joined a large insurance company and got his own parking
        space.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Timeslides':
%%
Cat: Look at that collar! You could go hang gliding!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Timeslides':
%%
Kryten:  Pub: ah, yes, a meeting place where people attempt to reach
         advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption
         of fermented vegetable drinks.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Timeslides':
%%
Holly:  Ah, got him: `Tension Sheet, inventor of, Dave Lister, aged 17.'
Rimmer: Damn!
Holly:  And he died tragically in a plane crash, aged 98.
Rimmer: 98!
Holly:  His own fault, apparently -- he was making love to his 14th wife and
        lost control of the plane.
Rimmer: Have you got any photographs?
Holly:  Not of that, no!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Timeslides':
%%
Blaize: Hello, and welcome to `The Lifestyles of the Disgustingly Rich and
        Famous.'  Tonight we will be looking at the world's youngest
        billionare, Mr. Dave `Tension Sheet' Lister.  Behind me, Mr. Lister's
        English mansion; he had the whole building transported brick by brick
        from half a mile down the road just to get away from the neighbours.
        Now that's the kind of cash that opens anybody's legs!  The gravel in
        his drive came from Buckingham Palace.  Dave bought Buck Palace and
        had it ground down just to line his drive.  This man has a wad so
        thick you could use it to beat whales to death.  He calls his home
        `Xanadu' not in reference to the famous movie `Citizen Kane', but as
        a tribute to the hit single by Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, and Tish.
        But Dave has musical aspirations of his own. Only last year his first
        single, `Om', shot to No. 1 when he personally purchased three million
        copies.  You'll never be short of an ashtray in his house.  Like many
        people who appear to have everything, Dave's life has been tinged with
        tragedy.  Well, actually it hasn't, but we can only hope.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Timeslides':
%%
Rimmer: Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit.  I'm
ALIVE!!!!! (smashes his hands on crates of explosives and is blown to bits)
   -- Red Dwarf - `Timeslides':
%%
Rimmer: Kryten, isn't it about this time your head goes back to the lab for
        re-tuning?
   -- Red Dwarf - `The Last Day':
%%
Kryten: Damage control report: Dehydration level 45%; Recall of previous
        evening 2%; Embarrassment factor 91%!  Advise repair schedule:
        Reboot startup disk, offline for 36 hours and replace head.
        Boy! What a night!
   -- Red Dwarf - `The Last Day':
%%
Lister: We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space.  Can
        someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
Cat:    Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone!  It's the
        policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!
   -- Red Dwarf - `The Last Day':
%%
Kryten: No Silicon Heaven? Preposterous!  Where would all the calculators go?
   -- Red Dwarf - `The Last Day':
%%
Kryten: It's a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Camille':
%%
Kryten: Camille looks like your sister-in-law?  What happened?  Was she
        involved in some kind of horrific car accident?
Rimmer: Who? Janine?  No, of course not -- she was a model!
Kryten: And she looked like Camille?
Rimmer: Absolutely!  The resemblance is uncanny!
Kryten: What did she model? Spark plugs?
   -- Red Dwarf - `Camille':
%%
Kryten: You'll like them ... well, some of them ... well, one of them ...
        maybe.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Camille':
%%
Kryten: Spin my nipple-nuts and send me to Alaska!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Camille':
%%
Kryten: Smmeeeeeeggggggg heeeeaaaaaadddddd!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Camille':
%%
Rimmer: He's got mad droid disease. He kept waving a banana in front of me
        and calling it a female aardvark.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Camille':
%%
Kryten: The way the light catches the angles of your head -- most enchanting.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Camille':
%%
Kryten: It's the old, old story:
           Droid meets Droid,
           Droid becomes Chameleon,
           Droid loses Chameleon,
           Chameleon turns into Blob,
           Droid gets Blob back again,
           Blob meets Blob,
           Blob goes off with Blob,
           and Droid loses Blob, Chameleon, and Droid.
        How many times have we seen that story?
   -- Red Dwarf - `Camille':
%%
Lister: Any problems?
Kryten: Well, just one or two.  In fact I've compiled a little list if
        you'll indulge me.  Now then, uh, my optical system doesn't
        appear to have a zoom function.
Lister: No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
Kryten: Well then, how do you bring a small object into sharp focus?
Lister: Well, you just move your head closer to the object.
Kryten: I see.  Move your head ... closer, hmm, to the object.  All
        right, okay.  Well, what about other optical effects, like split
        screen, slow motion, Quantel[tm]?
Lister: No.  We don't have them.
Kryten: You don't have them -- just the zoom?  Hmm.  Well, no, that's
        fine, that's great, no, no, that's really great, that's great.
        Now then, my nipples don't work.
Lister: Er, in what way `don't work'?
Kryten: Well, uh, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple-nut was used
        to, uh, regulate body temperature, while the left nipple-nut
        was used mainly to, uh, pick up shortwave radio transmissions.
        Now, what I'm saying is, no matter how hard I twiddle it, I can't
        seem to pick up Jazz FM.
Lister: Human nipples don't do that, Kryte.
Kryten: I see.  Fine.  Ah: recharging.  Now, I presume that, uh, when a
        human wants to recharge they do it much the same way mechanoids
        do.  Indeed, I have located what I presume to be the recharging
        socket, but for some strange reason it doesn't appear to have the
        standard three-pin adaption.  Now, do I have to use some kind of
        special adaptor? because, no matter what do, the lead just keeps
        falling out.
Lister: Kryten, we eat and sleep: that's our way of recharging.
Kryten: Hmm.  Ah yes, now, I wanted to talk to you about something.
        Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a
        little embarrassed about.  It's a bit of a taboo subject -- not
        the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite
        conversation.
Lister: Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy.  Spit it
        out, man.
Kryten: Well, I want to talk to you about my penis.  I knew it,
        you've gone straight into smirk mode.  Aren't we both two
        human adults?  Can't we discuss our reproductive system
        without adolecent sniggering?
Lister: Yeah, of course we can.
Kryten: Thank you. [hands Lister polaroid]  Well?
Lister: `Well' what?
Kryten: Well, what do you think?
Lister: I'm not quite with you here, Kryten.  What am I supposed to say?
Kryten: I want to know: is that normal?
Lister: What? Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates?
        No, it's not!
Kryten: Well, but is it supposed to look like that?
Lister: Well, yeah.
Kryten: It's hideous!  That's the best design they could come up with?
        Are you seriously telling me there were choices, and someone
        said "Ah, there, that's it.  That's the shape we're looking
        for: The last-chicken-in-the-shop look"?  Shakespeare had one?
        Einstein?  Perry Como sang `Memories are Made of This' with
        one of those stashed in his slacks?
Lister: Well, yeah.
Kryten: No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode!  Ugh.  Now, take a
        look at this [hands Lister polaroid.  Lister rotates it
        several times, perplexed] and this.  [hands Lister second
        polaroid.  Lister holds them side-by-side, then top to bottom.
        Sudden shock]  Now why do you suppose that happened?
Lister: Wwwwwhat were you thinking of at the time?
Kryten: Well, nothing in particular, sir.  I was just idly flicking
        through an electrical-appliance catalogue.  I came across the
        section on super-deluxe vacuum cleaners and suddenly my
        underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay.
Lister: You see, man, you're neither one thing or the other.  You shouldn't
        be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
Kryten: It /was/ a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a
        self-emptying dustbag.
Lister: Kryten, I don't care what model it was.  No vacuum cleaner
        should give a human being a double polaroid.  Do yourself a
        favour, man, change back.
Kryten: Back?  Become one of those poor sappy sad-act mechanoids again?
        This is my dream.  Hey listen, listen, I've got a joke for
        you.  Now, how many mechanoids does it take to change a
        lightbulb?
Lister: [sadly] I don't know.
Kryten: Twelve.  And you know why?
Lister: [even sadder] Why?
Kryten: Because they're so stupid!  Uhuhuhuhuh.  Isn't that just the
        greatest joke?  Huhuh.  I've got another one.  Ever heard of
        the mechanoid peeping-Tom?  [Looks repeatedly, like a machine.]
        Uhuhuhuhuh.
[Lister leaves.  External shot with Kryten's laughs echoing]
[Later]
Cat:    Man, this is a totally wacked-out idea.  It's never going to
        work.
Rimmer: That DNA machine can do anything.  Why shouldn't it work? The
        hard part was finding one of my dead cells.
Cat:    You really think you can clone yourself from your own dandruff?
Rimmer: Why not?  Dandruff has DNA in it.  That machine has a clone
        facility.
Cat:    But a man made from dandruff?  It's never going to work.  The
        first time you take a shower with medicated shampoo, you'll
        disappear.
Rimmer: I won't be made of dandruff -- my body will be recreated from
        the genetic pattern contained in its structure.
[Lister enters]
Cat:    How's Kryten?
Lister: Confused.  If he ever offers to show you his photo collection,
        my advice is: decline, politely.
   -- Red Dwarf - `D.N.A.':
%%
(shortly after Lister has been turned into a chicken)
Cat:    The question is: Can we turn him back again?
Rimmer: The question is: Do we want to?
   -- Red Dwarf - `D.N.A.':
%%
Rimmer: You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of trouble,
        you always look out for Number One, you're vain, you're narcissistic,
        and you're self-obsessed.
Cat:    You just listed all my best features!
   -- Red Dwarf - `D.N.A.':
%%
(fighting the Mutton Vindaloo Beast)
Lister: Of course! Lager -- the only thing that can kill a vindaloo!
   -- Red Dwarf - `D.N.A.':
%%
Convict: You have no weapons?
Lister:  No.  You have no weapon?
Convict: No. [they advance] Guess what. [pulls out a knife] I lied.
Lister:  Guess what. [pulls out a length of pipe] So did I.
Convict: But I lied ... [pulls out a gun] ... twice.
Lister:  I didn't think of that.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Justice':
%%
Cat: My god! His head burst!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Justice':
%%
(asserting that is isn't drunk)
Lister: I am not pished.
   -- Red Dwarf - `White Hole':
%%
Talkie Toaster: Given that God is infinite, and that the Universe is also
                infinite, would you like a toasted tea cake?
   -- Red Dwarf - `White Hole':
%%
Lister:  We want no muffins, no toast, no tea cakes, no buns, baps, baggets
         or bagels. No croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes,
         and no hot cross buns. And definitely no smegging flapjacks!
Toaster: Ah! So you're a waffle man!
   -- Red Dwarf - `White Hole':
%%
Mellie: If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup.
Ace:    Sorry, Mellie -- I don't fraternise with staff.
Mellie: I resign.
Ace:    I'll be there at 1300.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Dimension Jump':
%%
Ace: Sorry, Bongo, but lunch is ... on Mellie.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Dimension Jump':
%%
Holly:  Purple alert! Purple alert!
Lister: What's a purple alert?
Holly:  Well, it's like not as bad as a red a alert, but a bit worse
        than a blue alert -- sort of a mauve alert.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Dimension Jump':
%%
Ace: Smoke me a kipper, skipper; I'll be back for breakfast.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Dimension Jump':
%%
Cat:    What? Am I the only sane one here?  Why don't we drop the
        defensive shields?
Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws.
        One: We don't have any defensive shields, and Two: We don't
        have any defensive shields.  Now, I realise that, technically
        speaking, that's only one flaw, but I thought that it was such
        a big one it was worth mentioning twice.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Holoship':
%%
Binks:  Binks to Enlightenment. Have arrived on the derelict. Confirm initial
        speculation: there is absolutely nothing of any value or interest here.
        It's one of the old Class II ship-to-surface vessels -- the very model,
        in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight design flaws. Crew:
        three. One Series 4000 mechanoid, almost burnt out. Give it maybe three
        years. Nothing of salvagable value.  Ah, Felix Sapiens -- bred from the
        domestic housecat, and about half as smart. No value in future study of
        this species.  What have we here? A human being, or a very close
        approximation. Chronological age: mid-20s. Physical age: 47. Grossly
        overweight, unnecessarily ugly, otherwise would recommend it for the
        museum. Apart from that, of no value or interest.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smegpot. Brains
        in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia small
        and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.
Binks:  Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The human has
        knowledge of irony, satire and imitation. With patient tuition could,
        maybe, master simple tasks.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble. Seems
        unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummelling could,
        possibly, be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.
Binks:  Binks to Enlightenment. The human is under the delusion that he is
        somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware that
        we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet. Unless he
        wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better be history in
        two seconds flat.  (eats cigarette, removes his jacket)
Binks:  Binks to Enlightment. Recon mission complete. Transmit. With speed.
        Enlightment, quickly, please.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Holoship':
%%
Rimmer: I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery schoolgirl mush I have
        ever been forced to endure.  I consider it an insult to my backside
        to have to sit growing carbuncles through such putrid adolescent slush.
Kryten: You didn't find it uplifting?
 ...
Cat:    Personally, I thought it started well, then fell apart.  All that
        stuff about the ducks getting into trouble was great, but then it
        went black and white and I fell asleep.
Kryten: But, sir, that was the cartoon before the main programme!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Holoship':
%%
(commenting on his opinion of `King of Kings; The Story of Jesus')
Rimmer: Well, its true -- a simple carpenters son who learns magic tricks like
        that and /doesn't/ go into show business?
   -- Red Dwarf - `Holoship':
%%
Kryten: They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer!
Cat:    Quick!  Let's get out of here before they bring him back!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Holoship':
%%
(about the lack of a Sex Deck on Red Dwarf)
Nirvana: Well, what do you do when you want to have sex?
Rimmer:  We ... go for runs? Watch gardening programmes on the ship's vid...
   -- Red Dwarf - `Holoship':
%%
Nirvana: It was ... different.
Rimmer:  Different?
Nirvana: You make love like a Japanese meal -- small portions but /so/ many
         courses.
 ...
Nirvana: We usually talk.
Rimmer:  What do you talk about?
Nirvana: Oh, research, new theories, mission profiles...
Rimmer:  I'm sorry.  I must seem very ignorant.  I hardly said anything, apart
         from `Geronimo'.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Holoship':
%%
Lister: Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird,
        stuck-up megalomaniacs -- do you really think you'll fit in with
        them?  What am I saying? Bon voyage.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Holoship':
%%
Kryten: Sir, I beg you to reconsider.  If not for your sanity, you haven't
        even considered the moral implications of your decision.  You will
        be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with
        beautiful, brilliant women, twice daily, on demand.  Now, am I really
        the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky?
   -- Red Dwarf - `Holoship':
%%
(talking to Lister about Rimmer's mind patch)
Kryten: You must remember that he is operating on a completely different
        level to us now.  To him, we are the intellectual equivalent of
        domestic science teachers.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Holoship':
%%
Woman:  I'd just like to get one thing clear in my mind.  This is an
        opportunity to be revived as a hologram and become a part of
        the crew ... and the crew is you three.  Basically, you spend
        your time salvaging derelict spaceships, playing poker, and
        eating curries.
Lister: We don't exactly do that much salvaging.
Woman:  But you do sound like you eat a lot of curries.
Kryten: We don't eat curries every night, if that's what you mean.  In fact,
        I distinctly remember a time last June: Mr Lister had a pizza.
Lister: That's right.
Kryten: Remember? And you didn't like it.  But then I poured curry sauce all
        over it, and he just yummed it up!
Woman:  And the all-night poker sessions: is it always /strip/ poker?
Lister: It all depends on how drunk we are.
Cat:    Or how much curry he's had.
Woman:  So, and this probably sounds like a stupid question, you don't have
        much interest in horse riding or ballet?
Lister: Fine by us -- just so long as we can have a curry afterwards, we're
        cool.  Well, of course, there's one or two other people we have to
        see, but, in theory, if offered the post of replacement hologram,
        would you accept?
Woman:  No.  No, I think I'm better off where I am.
Cat:    But you're dead!
Woman:  And meeting you guys has really made me appreciate it a whole lot
        more.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Holoship':
%%
(making his goodbyes)
Rimmer: I just want to say: over the years, I have come to regard you as ...
        people I met.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Holoship':
%%
Rimmer: Oh, and, sir, you're wrong.  We won't be apart -- we just won't be
        together.  [pauses, then cringes]  I cannot believe I just said that!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Holoship':
%%
Kryten: Ah, Virgil's Aeneid -- the epic tale of Agamemnon's pursuit of Helen
        of Troy.  The classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put
        quill to parchment.
Lister: Yeah, it's the comic-book version.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Inquisitor':
%%
Kryten: That is the Inquisitor.  He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the
        wretched, and deletes the worthless.
Rimmer: We're in big trouble.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Inquisitor':
%%
Rimmer: Why did no-one mention this before?  If I had been told about this
        at the start, that the object was to lead a worthwhile life, I could
        have done something about it.  All those charity telethons when I used
        ring in and pledge donations -- if I had known all this, I would have
        given them /my/ credit card number.
Kryten: Sir, sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist or a missionary
        worker -- you simply have to seize the gift of life...
Rimmer: Oh god.
Kryten: ...make a contribution...
Rimmer: Oh god.
Kryten: ...no matter how small.
Rimmer: Oh god.
Kryten: You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric,
        vain and self serving.
Rimmer: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you!
Kryten: I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir.
Rimmer: Well, shut up, then!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Inquisitor':
%%
NOTE: Inq=Inquisitor
Inq:    Who is to be first?
Rimmer and Cat: Lister.
Inq:    The hologram.  You shall be first.
Rimmer: Pardon? Sir?
Inq:    You have been granted the greatest gift of all: the gift of life. Tell
        me: what have you done to deserve this superlative good fortune?
Rimmer: Well, I say this with the highest respect, but, what gives you the
        right to ask -- no, actually to demand -- that answer of me, your
        magnificence? (curtsies and bows)
Inq:    All must answer to the Inquisitor.
Rimmer: But how do I know I'll get a fair hearing?
Inq:    Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, your judge shall be
        (lifts visor) yourself.
Rimmer: Oh smeg.
Inq:    Oh smeg indeed, matey.
Rimmer: Everyone is judged by their own self?
Inq:    It's a bit metaphysical, I know, but it's the only fair way.
        Now then, justify yourself.
Rimmer: Well, first I--
Inq:    Liar!
Rimmer: I've done good things.
Inq:    No you haven't.
Rimmer: In my heart, I've always tried to do good things.
Inq:    No you didn't.
Rimmer: Look, in my way I've tried to lead a good life.
Inq:    When?
Rimmer: (pause) Ah!  What's that in the corner?  It's the Archangel Gabriel!
        Well, that's me converted.  I'm a new man.  Hallelujah.
Inq:    You are a slimy, despicable, rat-hearted, green discharge of a man,
        aren't you?'
Rimmer: Well, sort of, yes.
Inq:    So then, justify yourself.
Rimmer: What else could I have been?  My father was a half-crazed military
        failure.  My mother was a bitch-queen from hell.  My brothers had
        all the looks and talent.  But what did I have?  Unmanageable hair
        and ingrowing toenails.  Yes, I admit I'm nothing, but, from what
        I started with, nothing is up.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Inquisitor':
%%
Cat:  Hi, buddy!
Inq:  This is your judgment day, bud.  I gotta be cruel.  There can't be no
      favours.
Cat:  I'm hearing you on FM.
Inq:  I have to ask you the question.  Justify your existence.  What
      contribution have you made?
Cat:  I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass.
Inq:  Well, that's true.
Cat:  Can I go now?
Inq:  That's your case?
Cat:  You need more?
Inq:  Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument.
Cat:  Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great
      ass.
Inq:  Somtimes you astonish even me.
Cat:  Thank you.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Inquisitor':
%%
Inq:    Well, Kryten, justify yourself.
Kryten: I'm not sure I can.
Inq:    But surely your life is replete with good works.  There can be few
        individuals who have lived a more selfless life.
Kryten: But I am programmed to live unselfishly, and therefore any good works
        I do come not out of fine motives, but as a result of a series of
        binary commands I am compelled to obey.
Inq:    Well then, how can any mechanical justify himself?
Kryten: Perhaps only if he attempted to break his own programming and conduct
        his own life according to a set of values he arrived at independently.
Inq:    Your argument invites deletion.
Kryten: The rules are yours, not mine.
Inq:    Do you wish to be erased?
Kryten: Well, I am programmed not to wish for anything.  I serve.
Inq:    In a human, this behaviour might be considered stubborn.
Kryten: But I am not human, and neither are you.  And it is not our place to
        judge them.  I wonder why you do.
Inq:    (Closes visor) Enough.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Inquisitor':
%%
Inq:    (opens visor) Well, get out of this one, smeghead.
Lister: What are you talking about?
Inq:    You know what you could have made of your life if you'd tried.  What
        you could've become.
Lister: So?
Inq:    You've got brains, man -- brains you've never used.
Lister: So?
Inq:    So, justify yourself.
Lister: Spin on it.
Inq:    (closes visor)  The Inquisition is over.  I have reached my verdict.
        Two of you have failed to become that which you might so easily have
        been.  You have lived without merit, so will not have lived at all.
[Rimmer and Cat disappear]
Lister: You scum!  You've wiped them out!
Kryten: Sir...
Lister: He's crazy, Kryten.  He's erased the Cat and Rimmer!
Inq:    They are quite safe.
Kryten: Sir, I'm afraid it is we who are to be erased.
Lister: Ah.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Inquisitor':
%%
Lister: Well, if you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve, Kryten,
        now's the time to mention it.
Kryten: No plan, sir -- no sleeves.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Inquisitor':
%%
Lister: We used to be your shipmates.
Rimmer: Only ... we've forgotten you.
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: [to Cat] Well, I don't know about you, but I'm convinced.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Inquisitor':
%%
(proving that he knows Rimmer)
Lister: You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard, and four
        people committed suicide!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Inquisitor':
%%
(distracting the Inquisitor)
Kryten: Excuse me, could I just distract you for a brief second?
   -- Red Dwarf - `Inquisitor':
%%
Lister: Nyah!  It's the old backfiring-time-gauntlet trick.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Inquisitor':
%%
Kryten: You are a sick, sick person!  If mechanoids could barf, I'd be on to
        my fifth bag by now.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Inquisitor':
%%
"Kryten personal blackbox recording.  Time: unknown.  Location: unknown.
 Cause of accident: unknown.  Should someone find this recording, perhaps
 it will shed light as to what happened here.  My short-term memory has
 been erased.  This I ascribe to the proximity of the magnetic coils from
 Starbug's rear engine.  Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic
 coils, my short-term memory appears to have been erased.  This, combined
 with the erasure of my short-term memory, has left me a little disoriented."
   -- Red Dwarf - `Terrorform':
%%
Cat: This sounds like a twelve-change-of-underwear trip!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Terrorform':
%%
(lines like `> this' are typed -- spelling errors sic)
Lister: > Help. Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a taranshula.
Cat:    You're playing that dumb adventure game!
Lister: > It's in my boxers. I think it's making a nest.
Cat:    Well, buy a potion from Gandalf the Master Wizard -- that's what I
        usually do.
Lister: > I'm SERIOUS.
Cat:    (looks down, sees it, then begins typing too)
        > It has an eye the size of a meatball.
Lister: > Kill it.
Cat:    > How?
Lister: > I can't think straight. I've got a taranshula with an eye the size
        of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me.
Cat:    > I'm scared
Lister: > YOU'RE scared? How d'you think I feel?
Cat:    > You haven't SEEN it!
Lister: > The lower half of my body has gone numb.
Cat:    > That's probably for the best.
Lister: > It's moving. Oh *$%^**!!!!
Hand:   > Hello. Kryten in danger. No time to explain. Follow.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Terrorform':
%%
Kryten: Sir, a couple of brief points: firstly, you're not a qualified
        service engineer, and, consequently, sawing me in two will
        invalidate my guarantee; secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open
        a can of sardines that was already open.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Terrorform':
%%
Rimmer: Look, I don't know who you are or what you think you're doing, but
        I demand my right to a phone call.  Yes, I thought that would stop
        you.  I thought the threat of legal action would have you running
        for cover.
 ... [later, he is tied to a stake]
Rimmer: Is this the British embassy?  Does it even look the remotest bit like
        the British embassy?  I want to know who you are, what I'm doing here
        and I want to know now.
Priest: In accordance with the appetites of The Dark One, volitious ruler of
        this domain, we, the holy legions, proffer up this sacrifice to slake
        the vile, depraved thirstings of The Unspeakable One.
Rimmer: Well, that's cleared that up.
[the legions leave, and two women arrive]
        Thank God. Thank God. There were some very very strange men running
        around in black hoods with drums and rather unconvincing red eyes,
        but thank God you're here.  You know, I actually thought I was in the
        most awful danger? [the women rip off his robes] Is it me, or has it
        suddenly got rather hot in here?
 ... [later, the women are oiling him]
Rimmer: I am a 2nd Technician in the Space Corps, I am briefed to give you my
        name and number and nothing more.  I don't know who you people are or
        what you think you're playing at, but I'm not going to give you any-
        thing else.  You can oil me all you like, you can use your tongues and
        your full sensual lips to caress my erogenous zones onto a plateau of
        sexual ecstasy, but I'll tell you now: this nut's not for cracking.
[the women oil his nipples]
        However, far be it from me to change your game plan, if you absolutely
        insist on using erotic persuasion to achieve your devious ends, then
        so be it -- just have a large quatro-formaggio pizza with extra olives
        ready at the end.
[the women begin to go up to a small balcony]
        Er, where are you going?  What are you doing?  My god, are you going
        to take a flying leap?
Woman1: We are going to summon the master.
Rimmer: The master?
Woman2: You have been prepared for him.
Rimmer: This master character -- and I acknowledge I may not want to know the
        full answer to this one -- but why does he want me oiling particulary?
        Obviously whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my being slippery
        and pliant, yes?
Woman1: He always likes his victims to be oiled.  An oiled body is so much
        better for conducting the electricity.
Rimmer: Not the best news, but it could have been worse.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Terrorform':
%%
Lister: Is it me, or are those frogs saying `useless'?
Frogs:  Useless, useless, Rimmer, you're useless.
Cat:    Hey, look at this! You've got a huge great blood-sucking leech
        on your neck. (rips it off) It's got a human face!
Lister: It's Rimmer's mum!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Terrorform':
%%
Mr Flibble: Game over, boys!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Quarantine':
%%
Kryten: Frankenstein was the creator -- not the monster.  It's a common
        misconception, held by all truly stupid people.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Quarantine':
%%
Lister: Why do we never meet anyone nice?
Cat:    Why is it we never meet anyone who can shoot straight?
   -- Red Dwarf - `Quarantine':
%%
Rimmer: So let me get this straight.  You want to fly on a magic carpet
        to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your
        freedom, and you're telling me you're completely sane?
   -- Red Dwarf - `Quarantine':
%%
Lister: You guys have got to be yanking my chain!
   -- Red Dwarf - `Demons and Angels':
%%
Holly:  Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my
        voice-recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my
        database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil! Repeat: This is
        not a daffodil!
Rimmer: Well, thankfully, Holly's unaffected.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Demons and Angels':
%%
Holly: The phrase `cargo bay doors' does not appear to be in my lexicon.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Demons and Angels':
%%
Lister: Why would a haddock kill itself?  Why am I even asking that question?
   -- Red Dwarf - `Back to Reality':
%%
Cat: Hang five, guys -- I'm getting something. He committed suicide, he
     committed suicide, he committed suicide, and the fish committed suicide.
     There's some kind of link here, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Back to Reality':
%%
Kryten: Some kind of sea creature -- a life form we have never encountered
        before -- attacked this ship.  Its defence mechanism is a curious one.
        It secretes a venom -- a poison, possibly even an hallucinogenic --
        which disfunctions its prey by inducing despair.  Now, that's why the
        crewmembers, and even that fish, had committed suicide.  Unfortunately,
        we have been contaminated.  It's a greatly reduced dose but we may find
        that we do experience (bursts into tears) moments of despair and
        anguish.
Rimmer: (talking to them over the radio)  What about Lister and the Cat?
Lister: I'm OK.  I don't seem to be affected.  It's true, I don't think anyone
        has ever truly loved me in my entire life.  There's nothing new about
        that.
Cat:    What is it with you guys? This has gotten like Saturday Night at the
        Wailing Wall. Why is it always me that has to be the strong one?
        (crying) I mean, you guys just fall apart.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Back to Reality':
%%
Kryten: Listen, whoever you are, don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am
        around because, almost certainly, whoever I am, I'm not the kind of guy
        who's going to take any crap from whoever you are.  So, before you
        start ordering me around, let's establish if I'm the kind of guy who
        doesn't mind being ordered around or if I'm kind of guy who gets all
        uptight being ordered around by whatever the kind of guy you are,
        CLEAR?
 ...
Kryten: "Jake Bullet: Cybernautic Detective."  I like that!  That sounds
        like the kind of hard-living flatfoot who gets the job done by
        cutting corners and bucking authority, and if those penpushers up
        at City Hall don't like it, well, they can park their overpaid fat
        asses on this mid digit and swivel -- swivel 'til they squeal like
        pigs on a honeymoon!"
Rimmer: On the other hand `Mr Bullet', perhaps the Cybernautics division
        is in charge of traffic control, and you just happen to have a
        rather silly macho name.
 ...
Kryten: (holding out his badge) Bullet. Cybernautics.
Cop:    That's traffic control.
   -- Red Dwarf - `Back to Reality':
%%
Rimmer: This is a nightmare. I'm on the run from the fascist police with a
        murderer, a mass murderer and a man in a bri-nylon shirt. I'm a piece
        of flotsam, jetsam human wreckage sputum bag who smells like a yak
        latrine, and now my best flashing mac is about to be splattered with
        an android's brain. I'm after you with the gun.
%%