The Blackadder quotes
%%
What are you wearing around your neck?
Ah. It's my new ruff.
You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate.
It's the latest fashion, actually, and as a matter of fact it makes
  me look _rather sexy_...
To another plate-swallowing bird, perhaps...if it was blind and hadn't
  had it in months...
     -- Edmund and Percy : Head
%%
You're a sad, laughable figure, aren't you, Percy?
     -- Edmund : Head
%%
I'm off to the queen.
Shall I come too, my lord?
No...better not, people might think we're friends.
     -- Edmund and Percy : Head
%%
I have taken the liberty, ma'am, of drawing up a list of suitable
  candidates.
Good-oh. Let's hear it.
Ahem. List..for the Post..of Lord High Executioner...(unfurls large
  scroll)...Lord Blackadder..........(rolls up scroll)
Ah-ha.
     -- Melchett, Queenie and Edmund : Head
%%
Never...ever...try to be funny in my presence again, Percy.
     -- Edmund: Head
%%
The fashion these days is towards the tiny...
Well, in that case, Percy, you have the most fashionable brain in
  Britain.
     -- Percy and Edmund : Head
%%
Now, if you play straight with me, you'll find me a considerate 
  employer. But cross me, and you'll soon discover that under this
  playful, boyish, exterior...beats the heart of a ruthless, sadistic..
  ..maniac.
     -- Edmund : Head
%%
You are to be congratulated, my friend. We live in an age where illness
  and deformity are commonplace, and yet Ploppy, you are without a 
  doubt the most...repulsive individual I've ever met. I would shake
  your hand, but I fear it would come off.
     -- Edmund : Head
%%
Now then woman...if indeed you _are_ a woman...
     -- Edmund : Head
%%
'Good morning Mistress Ploppy', he'd say..and _I'd_ say..'Good morning,
  _Mr_ Ploppy'...!!!!
 .......The long winter evenings must just _fly_ by...
     - Mrs Ploppy and Edmund : Head
%%
Well, Farrow was rather moving, my lord. A great strong man, he stood
  there gaunt and noble in the early morning mist, and in a loud, clear
  voice he cried out, 'My wife might have bloody well turned up!'
     -- Percy : Head
%%
Good evening, Lord Blackadder.
Well, it certainly is _now_...
     -- Lady Farrow and Edmund : Head
%%
There is a great pain in my heart...
It's probably indigestion..I'll soon take your mind off that.
No. It is my husband.
Your _husband's_ got indigestion? Well, he won't be bothering us then.
No. He dies tomorrow.
Oh, come, you can't die of indigestion...
     -- Lady Farrow and Edmund : Head
%%
That Farrow bloke you executed today. You sure he's dead?
I cut his head off. That usually does the trick.
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Head
%%
Why do I have to have a bag on my head?
In order, nin-com-poop, that she should believe you're her husband!
Why..did he use to wear a bag on his head?
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Head
%%
Look, cretins, the bag is there to obscure Baldrick's own features...
  ..And many might think, incidentally, that that would be reason 
  enough for him to wear it...
     -- Edmund : Head
%%
You fiend! What have you done to him?!!
We have put...a _bag_ over his head.
     -- Lady Farrow and Edmund : Head
%%
He had a deep voice. A big deep booming voice.
..So quite like mine, then.
No, my lord, a _big, deep, booming_ voice...
     -- Ploppy and Edmund : Head
%%
I am prepared for the fact that he may have lost some weight.
Yes....and some _height_.
     -- Lady Farrow and Percy : Head
%%
'Gloaters'...you really are a prat, aren't you Percy.
     -- Edmund : Head
%%
Percy...this is a very difficult situation.
...Yes, my lord.
Someone's for the chop. You or me, in fact.
...Yes.
...Let's face facts, Perce. It's you.
     -- Edmund and Percy : Head
%%
Well...if she sees his head on a spike..she'll realise..he's _dead_..!
     -- Edmund : Head
%%
We're training up our new executioner, and he's a little immature. 
  Takes him forever. Slash, slash, slash...by the time he's finished 
  you don't so much need a spike as a toast rack...
     -- Edmund : Head
%%
Alright, Baldrick. Let's try again. This is called 'Adding'. If I have
  two beans, and I add _two more_ beans, what do I have?
...Some beans.
Yes...and no.
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Head
%%
Try again. One..two..three.._four_! So how many are there?
Three.
What?
...and that one.
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Head
%%
To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to
  other people, wasn't it?
     -- Edmund : Head
%%
...Although there is something lurking at the back of my head that 
  bothers me...
It's probably a flea.
     -- Ploppy and Edmund : Head
%%
All day long you mutter to yourself...gibber, dribble, moan, and bang
  your head against the wall, yelling, 'I want to die!'. Now you may
  say I'm leaping to conclusions, but...you're not _completely_
  happy, are you?
     -- Kate to her father : Bells
%%
I must look to my own dear tiny darling to sustain me in my frail 
  dotage.
But Father, surely...
Yes, Kate. I want you to become a prostitute.
     -- Kate and her father : Bells
%%
...For 'tis better to die poor than to live in shame and ignomany.
No, it isn't.
     -- Kate and her father : Bells
%%
Sorry I'm late!
Oh, don't bother apologising. I'm sorry you're alive.
     -- Percy and Edmund : Bells
%%
I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past _me_!
Well, go to Spain. There are millions of 'em.
     -- Percy and Edmund : Bells
%%
This is _the_ Jane Harrington?
(with pride) Yes!
Jane 'Bury me in a Y-shaped coffin' Harrington?
     -- Edmund and Percy : Bells
%%
You'll get over her.
(Percy readies his aim and prepares to shoot the arrow)
...I did.
(Percy is distracted, and has to re-aim.)
......So did Baldrick, in fact...
     -- Edmund to Percy : Bells
%%
Bad luck, Ballders.
Don't worry, my lord. The arrow didn't in fact enter my body. By a
  thousand to one chance, my willy got in the way.
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Bells
%%
I'd only just put it there. But now, I will leave it there forever.
...Quite so, Baldrick. It can be your lucky willy.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Bells
%%
Unfortunately I already have a servant.
The word is...that your servant is the worst servant in London.
Mmm..that's true. Baldrick, you're fired. Be out of the house in 
  ten minutes.
     -- Kate and Edmund : Bells
%%
What do they call you?
...Kate.
Isn't that a bit of a girl's name?
...It's short..for..erm...'Bob'.
     -- Edmund and Kate : Bells
%%
Well, 'Bob', welcome on board. (They gaze at each other for a while.)
  ...Sorry, Baldrick, any reason you're still here?
     -- Edmund : Bells
%%
I've been in your service since I was two and a half, my lord.
Well, that must be why I'm so utterly sick of the sight of you.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Bells
%%
Alright. Go and get Bob's stuff in...and throw your filthy muck out
  onto the street.
God bless you, sweet master!
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Bells
%%
My _father_ used to laugh at...who were those people with the funny
  faces and the bells?
Ah...jesters, madam.
No...lepers.
     -- Queenie and Melchett : Bells
%%
What think you, my lord, of...'love'?
...You mean rumpy-pumpy?
     -- Kate and Edmund : Bells
%%
What would you say, my lord, if I were to say...'I love you'?
Umm...(strangled)..Well, it depends entirely on who you said it to.
  If you said it to a horse, I'd presume you were sick...if you said it
  to Baldrick, I'd presume you were blind...
     -- Kate and Edmund : Bells
%%
(Edmund and Kate wrestle each other to the floor. Their eyes meet
  searchingly. Edmund slowly bends to kiss her...the door opens, and
  Baldrick enters.)
Don't worry, Bob. He used to try and kill me, too.
     -- Baldrick : Bells
%%
I was wondering if I might sleep on the roof, only the Town Bailiff
  says if I lie in the gutter I'll be flushed into the Thames with all
  the other turds.
     -- Baldrick to Edmund : Bells
%%
Now then, what seems to be the trouble?
Well...it's my manservant.
Yes, well, don't be embarrassed. If you've got the pox, just pop your..
  ..er..'manservant' on the table and we'll have a look at it,shall we?
     -- Doctor and Edmund : Bells
%%
Well, of course I'm worried.
Well, of course you are. It's not every day a man wakes up to find he's
  a screaming bender with no more right to live on God's clean earth
  than a weasel....Ashamed of yourself?
Not really, no.
...Bloody hell, I would be.
     -- Edmund and the Doctor : Bells
%%
And I can strongly recommend...
(finishing his sentence)...a course of leeches. Oh, just pop a couple
  down my codpiece before I go to bed...
     -- Doctor and Edmund : Bells
%%
(Edmund is distastefully chewing his prescribed leeches)
...Anything to follow, my lord? There's this lovely fat spider I found
  in the bath. I _was_ saving it for myself, but if you'd like it...
     -- Baldrick to Edmund : Bells
%%
Tell me young crone...is this Putney?
That it be!...That it be!...
...'Yes it is', not 'That it be'. You don't have to talk to me in that
  stupid voice, I'm not a tourist.
     -- Edmund and crone : Bells
%%
I seek information about the Wise Woman.
...The Wise Woman!...The Wise Woman!...
...Yes, the Wise Woman.
     -- Edmund and crone : Bells
%%
...Oh, so you _do_ know her then?
...No, just a wild stab in the dark, which is incidentally...what 
  you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful.
     -- Crone and Edmund : Bells
%%
Thank you young crone. Here is a purse of monies...(crone holds her
  hand out expectantly)...which I'm not going to give to you.
     -- Edmund to crone : Bells
%%
The first plan is simple. Kill Bob.
Never!
Then try the second. Kill yourself!
Mmm...and the third?
The third is to ensure that no-one _ever_ knows...
Ah! That sounds more like it! How?
Kill _everyone_ in the _whole world_ ....hahahahahaha (insane laughter)
Ah..ha.
     -- Wise Woman and Edmund : Bells
%%
Well, what can it possibly be?
(Kate undoes her blouse and reveals all to Edmund)
Aha...Good Lord.
     Edmund to Kate : Bells
%%
It is strangely in keeping with the manner of our courtship that the
  maid of honour should be a man.
Oh! Thank you very much, my lord.
...And I use the word 'man' in its broadest possible sense.
     -- Edmund to Kate and Baldrick : Bells
%%
For as we all know, God made Man in his own image. It'd be a sad 
  lookout for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything
  like _you_, Baldrick.
     -- Edmund to Baldrick : Bells
%%
There you are Ballders. You look as sweet as a little pie.
He looks like what he is - a dungball in a dress.
     -- Kate and Edmund : Bells
%%
There has been some discussion in the court on the subject of your best
  man...and I thought it might be the moment to...bring the subject to 
  a...conclusion.
Ah yes, Percy. I would like _you_...
Oh! I'm so proud!
...Please let me finish. I would like _you_ to take this letter to 
  Dover...
     -- Percy and Edmund : Bells
%%
Oh come on Edmund, you _must_ be able to think of another best man...
...Well, I suppose I _could_ ask Percy...Percy?
(excited) My lord?
Can you think of another best man?
     -- Queenie, Edmund and Percy : Bells
%%
...Thanks, bridesmaid. Like the beard. Gives me something to...hang
  on to!!...
     -- Lord Flashheart : Bells
%%
Nursy! I like 'em firm and fruity! Am I pleased to see you, or did I
  just put a _canoe_ in my pocket?!!
     -- Lord Flashheart : Bells
%%
I've got a plan!! And it's as _hot_ as my _pants_!!!!
     -- Lord Flashheart : Bells
%%
It is customary on these occasions for the groom to marry the 
  bridesmaid...I assume you wish to honour this...?
...I do.
     -- Melchett and Baldrick : Bells
%%
Three hours of bluff seaman's talk about picking the weevils out of
  biscuits and drinking urine is not my idea of entertainment.
     -- Edmund to Melchett : Potato
%%
Potato?
...No thanks, I don't.
     -- Melchett and Edmund : Potato
%%
...I was wanting to greet the gallant sailor who hallooed me on my way
  in...perchance he has hauled anchor and sailed away...?
No!...It was _me_!...
...Majesty! Surely not?
...You _utter_ creep.
     -- Melchett, Queenie and Edmund : Potato
%%
Do I look absolutely divine and yet and at the same time very pretty
  and rather accessible?
     -- Queenie to Melchett : Potato
%%
Splice me timbers, Sir Walter, it's bucko to see you, old matey!!
...I'm sorry?
She says 'Hello'.
     -- Queenie, Raleigh and Edmund : Potato
%%
I have brought you gifts and dominions beyond your wildest dreams...
...Are you sure? Well, I have some pretty wild dreams, you know. I'm
  not sure what they mean, but the other day there was this enormous
  tree...and I was sitting right on top of it...
(quietly) Ma'am.
...and then I dreamt once that I was a sausage roll...
(quietly) ...Majesty...
     -- Raleigh, Queenie and Melchett : Potato
%%
Well yes...I do rather laugh in the face of fear...Tweak the nose of
  terror...
     -- Edmund : Potato
%%
Why, in the Cape, the rain beats down so hard,it makes your head bleed.
Oh...some sort of hat is probably in order.
     -- Raleigh and Edmund : Potato
%%
Since you're clearly mad as a mongoose, I'll bid you good-day.
     -- Edmund to Captain Rum : Potato
%%
You courtiers...you're nothing but lapdogs to a slip of a girl.
..Better lapdogs to a slip of a girl than a ..._git_.
     -- Captain Rum and Edmund : Potato
%%
What's the First Mate's name?
...Percy.
A nautical cove?
Yes...Well, he's a sort of...wet fish.
     -- Captain Rum and Edmund : Potato
%%
And in Genoa, 'tis now the fashion to pin a live frog to the shoulder-
  braid, stand on a bucket, and go 'Bibble' at passers-by.
     -- Edmund to Queenie : Head
%%
...It's no good, Percy. No-one's ever going to believe we've just cut
  it off. It's gone _green_...
     -- Edmund : Head
%%
The streets have never been so gay. Women are laughing, children are
  singing...oh, look! Look! There's a man being indecently assaulted
  by nine foreign sailors...and he's _still_ got a smile on his face!
     -- Percy to Edmund : Potato
%%
Now Percy, will you get out...before I cut off your head, scoop out
  the insides...and give it to your mother as a vase.
     -- Edmund : Potato
%%
(Percy, costumed in festive garb, has just left.)
What a clot. The most absurdly dressed creature in Christendom...
(Baldrick enters ; he wears a hat pathetically festooned with bits of
  twig and dead animals)...with _one_ exception.
     -- Edmund : Potato
%%
I was wondering if I might have the afternoon off?
Well, of course not. Who do you think you are...Watt Tyler? You can 
  have the afternoon off when you _die_, Baldrick, not before.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Potato
%%
Bloody explorers ponce off to mumbo-jumbo land...come back with a
  tropical disease, a suntan, and a bag of brown lumpy things...Bob's
  your uncle everyone's got a picture of them in the toilet.
     -- Edmund : Potato
%%
I mean, look at this. What is it?
I'm surprised you've forgotten, my lord.
I haven't forgotten. It's a rhetorical question.
...Nah, it's a potato.
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Potato
%%
To you it's a potato. To _me_ it's a potato. But to Sir Walter bloody
  Raleigh...it's country estate, fine carriages, and as many girls as
  his tongue can cope with.
     -- Edmund to Baldrick : Potato
%%
He's making a fortune out of the things. People are smoking them...
  building houses out of them...they'll be _eating_ them next...
Stranger things have happened...
Well, exactly.
..That horse becoming Pope...
For one.
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Potato
%%
Ah, Blackadder. Started talking to yourself, I see.
Yes...it's the only way I can be assured of intelligent conversation.
     -- Melchett and Edmund : Potato
%%
Let's practice. Edmund comes in and says, 'Hello Baldrick...you haven't
  seen Percy, have you?', to which you reply...
Er...'No, my lord, I haven't seen him all day'.
Perfect. (front door opens) Oh my God, here he comes! (closes box lid)
(Edmund enters) Oh hello Ballders...Where the hell's that prat Percy?
  You haven't seen him, have you?
(Baldrick deliberates for a while)...............Yes, my lord.
  He's hiding in the box.
     -- Percy, Baldrick and Edmund : Potato
%%
'When the night is dark
  And the dogs go...bark
 When the clouds are black
  And the ducks go...quack
 When the sky is blue
  And the cows go...mooo
 Think of lovely Queenie
  She'll be thinking of you.
     -- Queenie to Edmund : Potato
%%
Goodbye, Blackadder. I'd say 'Bon Voyage', but there's no point. You'll
  be dead in three months.
...I love you, Walter. I hope you know that.
     -- Raleigh and Edmund : Potato
%%
The foremost cartographers of the land have prepared this for you. 
  (Hands Edmund a scroll)...It's a map of the area you'll be traversing
  (Edmund unrolls it ; it is blank on both sides)...They'd be very
  grateful if you could just fill it in as you go along...
     -- Melchett : Potato
%%
Caroline! I never knew you knew her!
Oh yes! I even touched her once.
...Touched her what?
Her...once. In a corridor.
I've never heard it called _that_ before.
     -- Edmund and Percy : Potato
%%
We're doomed to a watery grave with a Captain who's legless...
Rubbish!...I've hardly touched a drop!
..No, no, I mean...you haven't got any _legs_...
     -- Percy and Captain Rum : Potato
%%
We are in fact going...to France!
France!...Oh, but Edmund, surely France has already been discovered? By
  the French, for a start....?
     -- Edmund and Percy : Potato
%%
The day after tomorrow we shall be in Calais. Captain, set sail for
  France!
(All) Hooray!
(Caption: The Day After The Day After Tomorrow)
...So...You don't know the way to France..._either_.
No. I must confess that too.
...Bugger.
     -- Edmund and Captain Rum : Potato
%%
Look, there's no need to panic. Someone in the crew will know how to
  steer the ship.
...The crew, my lord?
...Yes, the crew.
..._What_ crew?
     -- Edmund and Captain Rum : Potato
%%
I was under the impression that it was common maritime practice for a
  ship to have a _crew_.
Opinion is divided on the subject.
...Is it.
Yes. All the other captains say it _is_..._I_ say it _isn't_.
...Oh God...mad as a brush...
     -- Edmund and Captain Rum : Potato
%%
Oh well, let's get on with it. 
(They stand against the wall and prepare to pass water into the mugs)
(Caption: Ten minutes later)
...It's always the same isn't it. You get all keyed up and then you 
  do anything...
     -- Edmund : Potato
%%
...Don't look much like Southampton Docks to me, my lord.
What?
Well, those streams of molten lava and that steaming mangrove swamp...
  And that crowd of beckoning natives rubbing their tummies and 
  pointing to a pot...
...Oh, God...
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Potato
%%
He died a hero's death, dying so his friends might live...
...And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes.
     -- Percy and Edmund : Potato
%%
(Edmund rummages through the sack, and produces boomerang)...Ah.
(intrigued) What is it?
...A _stick_.
     -- Edmund, Queenie and Melchett : Potato
%%
Someone wants to see me at four in the morning...What is he, a giant
  lark?
     -- Edmund : Money
%%
Baldrick, this is Molly ; an inexpensive prostitute.
  Molly, this is Baldrick...a pointless peasant.
     -- Edmund : Money
%%
You're a one, aren't you! When you should be whispering sweet 
  conversational nothings like 'Gosh! Something twice the size of the
  Royal Barge has just hoved into view between the sheets', you don't
  say a word. But enter the Creature from the Black Latrine and you 
  don't stop yabbering...
     -- Edmund to Molly : Money
%%
Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the Rights of Man, I'd have gone to
  bed with Martin Luther.
     -- Edmund to Molly : Money
%%
Your Grace...may I introduce...my _mother_...
     -- Edmund to the Bishop : Money
%%
(reading from tombstone) '...William Greaves, born 1513 in Chelmsford
  with the love of Christ...died 1563...in agony...with a spike up his
  bottom'.
     -- Edmund : Money
%%
Poor Tom is cold. Pity poor Tom, for his nose is frozen, and he doth
  shiver, and...is maaaddddd!!!!!
Oh, shut up.
     -- Tom the Beggar and Edmund : Money
%%
My whole life has been a tissue of whoppers. I consider myself to be
  one of England's finest liers...Oh, my God, Percy, a giant humming-
  bird is about to eat your hat and cloak!!!
Oh, no!! (runs out)
...You see, I'm terrific at it...
     -- Edmund and Percy : Money
%%
I thank God I wore my corset, because I think my sides have split.
     -- Edmund to Melchett : Money
%%
Au contraire. I am ecstatic about the whole incident. I only didn't
  laugh out loud, because if I did, I fear my _head_ would have fallen
  off...
     -- Edmund to Melchett : Money
%%
I cannot believe it. She drags me all the way from Billingsgate to 
  Richmond to play about the weakest practical joke since Cardinal 
  Wolsey got his knob out at Hampton Court...and stood at the end of 
  passage pretending to be a door.
     -- Edmund : Money
%%
Edmund! Oh, Edmund, I've awaited your return!
And thank God you did, for I was just thinking...'My God, I die in
  twelve hours. What I really need right now is a hug from a complete
  _prat_.'
     -- Percy and Edmund : Money
%%
Well...I have heard there's good money to be made down at the docks...
  doing..._favours_ for sailors...
Favours? What...delivering messages, sewing on buttons, that sort of
  thing?
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Money
%%
Know you of such a bird?
No...but we could _make_ one...
No, we _couldn't_, Baldrick...Oh, I suppose you have to be told some-
  time. What happens is, a mummy bird and a daddy bird...who love each
  other very much...
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Money
%%
A conversation with you, Baldrick, and somehow, death loses its sting..
     -- Edmund : Money
%%
Melchett, I prostrate myself before the feet of the world's _greatest
  living comedian_!!!....
     -- Edmund : Money
%%
My God!...This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the
  Hundred Years War...Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?...
     -- Edmund : Money
%%
Gold! Pure gold!
...Are you sure?
Yes, my lord. Behold...
Percy...it's _green_.
     -- Percy and Edmund : Money
%%
Yes Percy, I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour of
  gold is _gold_. That's why it's called gold. What you have discovered
  if indeed it has a name...is some..._green_.
     -- Edmund : Money
%%
Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don't you Percy?
Perhaps, my lord...
That you, Percy, Lord Percy...are an utter _berk_.
     -- Edmund and Percy : Money
%%
I've had some happy times here, when..when you and Percy have been out.
     -- Edmund to Baldrick : Money
%%
Baldrick, go forth into the street and let it be known that Lord 
  Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy...just go forth into the
  street.
     -- Edmund : Money
%%
...Strange smell!...
Yes, that's the servant. He'll be gone.
     -- Mrs Pants and Edmund : Money
%%
You've really worked out your banter, haven't you.
Not really - this is a different thing. It's spontaneous and it's
   called 'wit'.
     -- Mr Pants and Edmund : Money
%%
Percy...what is that on the front of your tunic?
'Tis a brooch, my lord. A brooch cunningly fashioned out of pure green.
...It looks like you've sneezed.
     -- Edmund and Percy : Money
%%
...So you think there's a big market for jewellery that looks like 
  snot, then?
     -- Edmund to Percy : Money
%%
If I die, Baldrick, d'you think people would remember me?
...Yeah, of course they would. People would always be slapping each
  other on the shoulders and laughing and saying, 'Do you remember old
  Privy-Breath?'...
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Money
%%
Am I then...not popular?
Um...well, put it this way...When people slip in what dogs have left in
  the street they do tend to say, 'Whoops - I've trod in an Edmund'.
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Money
%%
Have you got a plan, my lord?
Yes I have...and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Money
%%
...Drugged, by God!!
...No, by Baldrick, actually, but the effect is much the same..
     -- The Bishop and Edmund : Money
%%
Have you ever considered a career in the Church?
No...I could never get used to the underwear.
     -- The Bishop and Edmund : Money
%%
'Tis said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent
  company, so through learned discussion, he may rise above the savage
  and closer to God.
Yes, I'd heard that.
...Personally, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind 
  me I'm best.
     -- Edmund and Percy : Beer
%%
I was the man of a thousand faces.
So how did you come to choose the ugly mug you've got now, then?
     -- Percy and Edmund : Beer
%%
Your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom, Baldrick.
     -- Edmund : Beer
%%
But my lord! I've been in your family since 1532!
...So has syphilis. Now get out.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Beer
%%
Quick! Melchett's dying! We must do something!
Of course...Some sort of celebration...
     -- Queenie and Edmund : Beer
%%
I was awakened by a terrific banging from Lord Melchett...
Well!...I never knew he had it in him...
     -- Queenie and Edmund : Beer
%%
He was singing a song about a girl who possessed a...dicky di-do?
...Oh, yes. It's a lovely old hymn, isn't it.
     -- Queenie and Edmund : Beer
%%
What I drank last night would have floored a rhinoceros!
...If it was allergic to lemonade, that is.
     -- Melchett and Edmund : Beer
%%
Right. Now the sort of person we're looking for is an aggressive 
  drunken lout with the intelligence of a four-year-old, and the
  sophistication of a donkey.
(thinking)...Cardinal Wolsey...
     -- Edmund and Percy : Beer
%%
Percy, the devil farts in my face once more.
     -- Edmund : Beer
%%
You twist and turn like a...twisty turny thing. You're a weedy pigeon,
  Blackadder, and you can call me Susan if it isn't so.
     -- Melchett : Beer
%%
...I found it particularly ironic, my lord, because I've got a thingy
  that's shaped like a turnip!...I'm a great use at parties.
Are you.
Yes...I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children...
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Beer
%%
Well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance. Did I say 'inheritance'?
  ...I meant 'journey'. Well, if you'd like to help yourself to a 
  legacy...err...chair...
     -- Edmund to the Whiteadders : Beer
%%
(Percy tries to attract Edmund's attention to his comedy breasts)
Aaarrggg...aarrgggg...
Sorry, he's sick. Leprosy. Of the brain...
     -- Percy and Edmund : Beer
%%
I believe that silence is golden.
(Edmund opens mouth to speak)..............(closes it again)......
  ......(clears throat)..Aaahhiinheritance.
     -- Lady Whiteadder and Edmund : Beer
%%
Sex is hardly a fitting subject for the dinner table.
Or, indeed..._any_ table.
....Except perhaps a table at a brothel. (Edmund kicks Percy off chair)
     -- Lady Whiteadder, Edmund and Percy : Beer
%%
Noise? Did you hear a noise, Percy?
...No.
Good.
..apart from that colossal drunken roar. (Edmund kicks Percy off chair)
     -- Edmund and Percy : Beer
%%
Get out!! Get out you libidinous swine!! And take that whore-slut
  painted strumpet with you!! And may you both rot in the filth of your
  own fornication!!!!
...And what did you say to _him_?...
     -- Edmund and Queenie : Chains
%%
Oh, Edmund, you're so naughty!
I try, madam...and then ten minutes later, when I've got my breath
  back, I try again...
     -- Queenie and Edmund : Chains
%%
I heard quite an amusing story myself the other day...
...Oh, good. (walks off)
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Chains
%%
Now, am I by any chance addressing a senior dignitary of the Spanish 
  Inquisition? Because if I am, I would like to say that I am prepared
  to tell you absolutely..._anything_.
     -- Edmund to Spaniard : Chains
%%
Lord Percy...it's up to you. Either you can shut up...or you can
  have your head cut off.
     -- Queenie : Chains 
%%
Bastardo! Bastardo!
...'Barrister'...?
No...Bastardo!
...'Embarrassment'?..You're embarrassed?...I'm embarrassed?...
     -- Spaniard and Edmund : Chains
%%
Thirsty bastard...thirsty barking bastard...
     -- Edmund to Spaniard : Chains
%%
...You are a fornicating baboon.
...Que?
     -- Edmund and Spaniard : Chains
%%
I hope this scum has not...inconweenienced you.
It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to
  inconweenience _me_...
     -- Ludwig and Edmund : Chains
%%
Unless she pays up, you will die. Howwibly.
She _will_ pay up. And then _you_ will die. Howwibly howwibly.
     -- Ludwig and Edmund : Chains
%%
You find yourself amusing, Herr Blackadder.
I try not to fly in the face of public opinion...
     -- Ludwig and Edmund : Chains
%%
I think...that in a week from now, you will be less in the mood for
  being amusing.
At least when I'm in the mood, I _can_ be amusing.
     -- Ludwig and Edmund : Chains
%%
...There was an old shepherd with whom you used to talk.
Good Lord! Not...Dimkins?
Yes! _I_...I was one of his sheep.
One of his sheep? Not...?
Yes!
Flossy???!!!
Yes!
But didn't we....
Yes, Lord Melchett!!
     -- Ludwig and Melchett : Chains
%%
She has a difficult choice in front of her, has she not?
...Not really. Bad luck, Mellchers.
     -- Ludwig and Edmund : Chains
%%
What say you, Blackadder, I sing a song to keep our spirits up?
That depends whether you want the slop-bucket over your head or not.
     -- Melchett and Edmund : Chains
%%
Well, perhaps some pleasant word-game?
Alright...Make a sentence out of the following words...'Face...sodding
  ...your...shut'.
     -- Melchett and Edmund : Chains
%%
Are you suggesting we betray her?
Oh, yes.
...Alright.
     -- Edmund and Ludwig : Chains
%%
Blackadder, what are you saying? What of loyalty? Honour? Self-respect?
What of them?
...Nothing.
     -- Melchett and Edmund : Chains
%%
Ludwig was a master of disguise. Whereas Nursy is a sad, insane old
  woman with an udder fixation.
     -- Edmund : Chains
%%
Did you...miss me?
I certainly did. Many was the time I said to myself...'I wish _Percy_
  were here...'
Oh!...
'...being tortured instead of me...'
     -- Percy and Edmund : Chains
%%
Did you miss _me_, my lord?
Um..._Baldrick_, is it?
That's right.
No, not really.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Chains
%%
You see, you know they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your
  name on it?
Yeeees....
Well, I thought if I _owned_ the bullet with my name on it, I'd never 
  get hit...'cos I won't ever shoot myself.
Oh. Shame.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
And the chances of there being _two_ bullets with my name on them are
  very small indeed.
Yes. That's not the only thing around here that's _very small indeed_.
  Your brain, for example, is so _minute_, Baldrick, that if a hungry
  cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough inside to
  cover a small water-biscuit.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
Tally ho, pip-pip, and Bernard's your Uncle...!
...In English we say, 'Good morning'...
     -- George and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
It's the magazine that tells the Tommies the _truth_ about the War.
...Or alternatively, the greatest work of fiction since laws of 
  fidelity were included in the French marriage service...
     -- George and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
Oh, come, come, sir - now, you can't deny that this newspaper is good
  for the morale of the men?
Certainly not. I just feel more could be achieved by giving them some
  _real_ toilet paper.
     -- George and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
I smell something fishy - and I'm not talking about the contents of
  Baldrick's apple crumble...
     -- Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
We didn't order those new ladders either. I issued them to the men
  yesterday and they were absolutely thrilled, isn't that right, men?
Yes, sir. First solid fuel we've had since we burnt the cat!
     -- George and Baldrick : Captain Cook
%%
I, on the other hand, am a well-rounded human being, with a degree from
  the University of Life, a diploma from the School of Hard Knocks, and
  three old stars from the Kindergarten of Getting the Shit Kicked Out
  Of Me.
     -- Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
Great Scott, sir! You mean the moment's finally arrived for us to give
  Harry Hun a good old British-style thrashing, six of the best, 
  trousers down?
...If you mean, 'Are we all going to get killed?', then...yes.
     -- George and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
Clearly General Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan attempt
  to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin...
     -- Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
I have a cunning plan to get us out of being killed, sir.
Oh yes? What is it?
Cooking...
I see. (moves off)
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
My mother...will be as pleased as Punch.
Mmmm...if only she we're as _good-looking_ as Punch, Baldrick...
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
You're the worst cook in the entire _world_. There are...amoeba on
  Saturn who could boil a better egg then you...
     -- Edmund to Baldrick : Captain Cook
%%
Who was it then, Captain?
(replacing receiver) Strangely enough, it was Pope Gregory the Ninth,
  inviting me for drinks about his steam yacht, the 'Saucy Sue',
  currently wintering in Montego Bay with the English cricket team and
  the Balinese Goddess of Plenty.
Really?
...No, not really.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
So - it's maximum security. Is that clear?
Certainly, sir. Only myself and the rest of the English-speaking world
  is to know.
     -- Melchett and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
Take a look at this - I'm sure you know it. 'King and Country'.
Ah yes...without doubt my _favourite_ magazine. Soft, strong...and
  thoroughly absorbent.
Tophole, Blackadder, I thought it would be right up your alley...
     -- Melchett and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
I know from long experience that my men have all the artistic talent of
  a cluster of colourblind hedgehogs...in a _bag_.
     -- Edmund to Melchett : Captain Cook
%%
Private Baldrick here is obviously a bit of an impressionist.
  ...The only decent impression _he_ can do is of a man with no talent.
     -- George and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
What's it called, Baldrick...'The Vomiting Cavalier'?
     -- Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
If only I'd paid attention in nursery art classes instead of spending 
  my entire time manufacturing papier-mache willies to frighten Sarah
  Wallace...
     -- Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
These paintings could spell my way out of the trenches!
Yours?
...That's right, _ours_...
     -- Edmund and George : Captain Cook
%%
This is going to be Art's greatest moment since Mona Lisa sat down and
  told Leonardo Da Vinci that she was in a slightly odd mood...
     -- Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
Neither we nor the Hun favour fighting our battles 'au naturelle'
But sir, it's artistic, it's...willing suspension of disbelief.
Well, I'm not having anyone staring in disbelief at _my_ willy
  suspension...
     -- Edmund and George : Captain Cook
%%
The wimple suits you, Baldrick.
But...it completely covers my face...
Exactly...
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Captain Cook
%%
Tally-ho, yippety-dip, and zing zang spillip. Looking forward to
  bullying off for the final chukka?
Permission to speak.
...............
Answer the General, Baldrick.
...I can't sir, I don't know what he's talking about.
     -- Melchett, Edmund and Baldrick : Captain Cook
%%
Remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you.
About thirty-five _miles_ behind you, to be precise...
     -- Melchett and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
Did you just crawl over some barbed wire, sir?
No...I just put my elbow in a blob of ice-cream.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
They're firing, sir!! They're firing!!!
...Thank you, Lieutenant. If thy hit _me_, you'll be sure to point it
  out, won't you.
     -- George and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
Oh, sir, just one thing. If we _should_ happen to tread on a mine, what
  do we do?
...Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump two hundred feet in
  the air, and scatter yourself over a wide area.
     -- George and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
Are you sure this is what you saw, Blackadder?
Absolutely. I mean, there may have been a few more armament factories,
  and not _quite_ as many elephants, but...
     -- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
Tell me, have you ever visited the planet Earth, sir?
     -- Edmund to Melchett : Captain Cook
%%
Would you like some rat au vin to help you think?
...Rat au vin?
Yes. It's rat...
...thats been run over by a van...
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook
%%
You'd like to book a table for three...by the window...for nine
  thirty p.m....not too near the band...in the name of Oberlauten
  and Von Genschler...yes...yes, I think you might have the wrong
  number...
     -- Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
Oh look, there's a little ring round its leg - there's a novelty!
Oh really? Is there a paper hat as well?
     -- Baldrick and George : Corporal Punishment
%%
Private, what is the time?
We didn't receive any messages...and Captain Blackadder definitely
  did not shoot this delicious plump-breasted pigeon, sir.
...Do you want to be cremated, Baldrick, or buried at sea?
     -- Melchett, Baldrick and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
Quite frankly sir, I've suspected this for some time. Clearly
  Captain Blackadder has been disobeying orders with a breath-taking
  impertinence.
I don't care if he's been rogering the Duke of York with a prize-
  winning leek...!
     -- Cpt. Darling and Melchett : Corporal Punishment
%%
Do you know what the penalty is for disobeying orders, Blackadder?
Um...courtmartial followed by immediate cessation of chocolate rations?
     -- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
I remember Massingbird's most famous case - the Case of the Bloody
  Knife. A man was found next to the murdered body. He had the knife
  in his hand, thirteen witnesses had seen him stab the victim,
  and when the police arrived, he said, "I'm glad I killed the 
  bastard". Massingbird not only got him off, he got him knighted
  in the New Years Honours list, and the relatives of the deceased
  had to pay to have the blood washed out of his jacket.
     -- Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
Baldrick, I gave you two notes. You sent the note asking for a sponge
  bag to the finest mind in English legal history, and you sent
  the note requesting legal representation to...?
(George enters) Well tally-ho, with a bing and a bong and a
                  buzz buzz buzz...
Oh God...
     -- Edmund and George : Corporal Punishment
%%
In the school Debating Society I was voted the boy least likely
  to complete a coherent...er...
Sentence?
     -- George and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
As far as I can tell, you're as guilty as a puppy sitting next to
  a pile of poo...
Charming.
     -- George and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
You're guilty as hell. You haven't got a chance.
Why thankyou Darling. And I hope your mother dies in a freak yachting
  accident.
     -- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
Chap here to see you, sir.
What does he look like?
Short, ugly...
Hello, Baldrick.
     -- Perkins and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
This is not food, but an escape kit!
Good Lord! With a saw, a hammer, a chisel, a gun, a change of clothes,
  a Swiss passport and a huge false moustache, I might just stand
  a chance!
...Ah.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
Ah, what's this? Unless I'm much mistaken, a hammer and a chisel!
You are much mistaken.
...A pencil and a miniature trumpet.
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Corporal Punishment
%%
...A change of clothes?
Of course, sir! I wouldn't forget a change of clothes!
Well, that's something. Let's see...a Robin Hood costume.
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Corporal Punishment
%%
Mind if I disturb you for a moment, sir?
No...no, not at all. My diary's pretty empty this week...let's see...
  Thursday morning: "Get shot."...yes, that's about it, really.
     -- Perkins and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
Is there any particular area you'd like us to go for? We can aim
  anywhere...
...Well, in that case...just above the top of my head might be
  a good spot...
     -- Squad Sargeant and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
Can I ask you to leave a pause between the word 'Aim' and the word
  'Fire'? Thirty or forty years, perhaps...
     -- Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
What wise words from the world's greatest defence council?...(reads)
  ...'Dear Mother'...unusual start...
     -- Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
Baldrick! I love you! I want to kiss your cherry lips and nibble
  your shell-like ears!
     -- Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls!
...Perhaps later.
     -- Perkins and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
Where do you want me?
Up against the wall is traditional, sir.
Of course. Er...this side, or...?
     -- Edmund and Squad Sargeant : Corporal Punishment
%%
Feels like the time I was initiated into the Silly Buggers' Society
  at Cambridge. I misheard the instructions and pushed an entire
  aubergine into my earhole... 
     -- George : Corporal Punishment
%%
I think I can explain, sir.
Can you, Baldrick?
........No.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
%%
George, the day the war began I was cheesed off. Within ten minutes
  of you arriving, I'd finished the cheese and moved on to the coffee
  and cigars.
     -- Edmund : Major Star
%%
I love old Chappers. Don't you, Captain?
Unfortunately, no. I find his films about as funny as getting an
  arrow through the neck...and then discovering it's got a gas bill
  tied to it.
     -- George and Edmund : Major Star
%%
You mustn't do that to me, sir, because that...is a borgeious act
  of repression, sir.
.....What?
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Major Star
%%
Oh yes, the great British music hall tradition. Two men with incredibly
  unconvincing cockney accents, going :
      'What's up with you, then?'
      'What's up with me, then?'
      'Yeah, what's up with you, then?'
      'I'll tell you what's up with me - I'm right browned off.'
      'Right browned off?'
      'Yeah, right browned off.'......GET ON WITH IT!!!
     -- Edmund : Major Star
%%
Thank you, George, but if you don't mind I'd rather have my tongue
  beaten wafer-thin by a steak tenderiser and then stapled to the
  floor with a croquet hoop.
     -- Edmund : Major Star
%%
(sounds of cheers...Baldrick enters the dugout)
Sir! Sir! It's all over the trenches!
Well, mop it up, then...
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Major Star
%%
And they've overthrown Nicolas the Second, who used to be bizarre...
Used to be _the_ Tzar, Baldrick...
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Major Star
%%
Let me put it another way, Bob. You _are_ a girl. And you're a girl
  with about as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses
  trying to get into a polar bears-only golf club.
     -- Edmund : Major Star
%%
I want to see how a war is fought, _so_ badly.
Well, you've come to the right place, then.
     -- Bob and Edmund : Major Star
%%
Baldrick, in the Amazonian rainforest there are tribes as yet untouched
  by civilization who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin
  impressions than yours.
     -- Edmund : Major Star
%%
It could precipitate the fastest execution since someone said,
  'This Guy Fawkes bloke. Do we let him off, or what?'
     -- Edmund : Major Star
%%
We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the stick insect got
  himself stuck on a sticky bun.
     -- Edmund : Major Star
%%
Baldrick, _our_ plan is to find a new leading lady. What is
  _your_ plan?
     -- Edmund : Major Star
%%
It's the worst plan since Abraham Lincoln said, 'Oh, I'm tired of
  kicking around the house tonight. Let's go take in a show.'
     -- Edmund : Major Star
%%
Melchett is in mourning for the woman of his dreams. He's unlikely
  to be in the mood to marry a two-legged badger wrapped in a curtain.
     -- Edmund : Major Star
%%
Take a telegram. To: Mr C.Chaplin, Senate Studios, Hollywood,
  California. Message reads: Congrats stop Have found only person
  in world less funny than you stop Name Baldrick stop
     -- Edmund : Major Star
%%
We've shot off over a million cannon shells, and what's the result?
  One dachschund with a slight limp.
     -- Edmund : Private Plane
%%
I don't care how many times they go up-tiddly-up-up, they're still
  gits.
     -- Edmund : Private Plane
%%
I'd love to be a flier - up there where the air is clear.
The chances of the air being clear anywhere near you, Baldrick,
  are zero.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Private Plane
%%
I was more impressed by the contents of my handkerchief the last
  time I blew my nose.
     -- Edmund : Private Plane
%%
Ask them who they'd prefer to meet - Squadron Commander Flasheart
  or the man who cleans out the public toilets in Aberdeen and
  they'll go for Wee Jock Poo Pong McPlop every time...
     -- Edmund : Private Plane
%%
I hope I snuff it right now so this moment can be preserved forever!
It can be arranged...
     -- George and Edmund : Private Plane
%%
Anyone can be a navigator if he can tell his arse from his elbow!
Well, that's Baldrick out, I fear...
We're always looking for talented types to join the twenty-minuters!
...and there goes George...
     -- Flasheart and Edmund : Private Plane
%%
I've no desire to hang out with a bunch of upper-class delinquents,
  do twenty minutes' work and then spend the rest of the day loafing
  around in Paris, drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens
  of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping
  up and down my.....hang on.....!
     -- Edmund : Private Plane
%%
When I was a small boy, I used to watch the marshwarblers swooping
  in my mother's undercroft. And I remember thinking - would Man
  ever dare do the same? And you know -
Oh! You want to join the Royal Flying Corps!
...Oh, there's a thought.
     -- Edmund and Cpt. Darling : Private Plane
%%
Come on, I wasn't born yesterday.
More's the pity. We could have started your personality from scratch.
     -- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Private Plane
%%
Trust you to try and skive off to some cushy option.
There's nothing cushy about life in the Women's Auxiliary Balloon
  Corps!
     -- Edmund and Cpt. Darling : Private Plane
%%
Crikey, I'm looking forward to today. Up-tiddly-up-up, down-diddly-
  down-down, whoops-poop-twiddly dee, a decent scrap with the
  fiendish Red Baron, a bit of a jolly old crash landing behind
  enemy lines, capture, torture, escape, and then back home in time
  for tea and medals!
...George, who's using the family brain cell at the moment?
     -- George and Edmund : Private Plane
%%
Always treat your kite - like you treat your woman.
Sir, do you mean take her home at the weekend to meet your mother?
No. I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven
  and back.
     -- Flasheart and George : Private Plane
%%
I have a message from Baron von Richtoffen, the greatest living
  German.
Which considering his competition consists entirely of very fat
  men in leather shorts belching to the tune of 'She'll be Coming
  Round the Mountain', is no great achievement.
     -- German and Edmund : Private Plane
%%
You used to have a rabbit. Beautiful little thing. Do you remember?
Flossy.
That's right. Flossy. Do you remember what happened to Flossy?
You shot him.
That's right. It was the kindest thing to do after he'd been run
  over by that car.
_Your_ car, sir.
Yes, by my car. But even that was an act of mercy when you remember
  that that dog had been set on him.
_Your_ dog, sir.
     -- Melchett and George : Private Plane
%%
No more mud, death, rats, bombs, shrapnel, whizz-bangs, barbed wire
  and those bloody awful songs that have the word 'Whoops' in them.
     -- Edmund : Private Plane
%%
Good Lord! Captain Blackadder! I thought you were...
...Playing tennis?
     -- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Private Plane
%%
'After the explosion, Captain Blackadder was marvellous. He joked
  and joked: 'You lucky lucky lucky bastard!', he said. And then
  he laid on his back, stuck his foot over the top of the trench,
  and shouted, 'Over here, Fritz! What about me? What about me?''
     -- George : General Hospital
%%
We have some important military business to discuss.
Alright. Ten minutes only then. (she leaves)
(to George) Alright porkface, where's the grub?
     -- Edmund and Nurse Brown : General Hospital
%%
If I can't give my brave boys a kind word and a big smile, what
  _can_ I give them?
Well, one or two ideas do suggest themselves, but you'd probably
  think they were unhygienic.
     -- Nurse Brown and Edmund : General Hospital
%%
Security isn't a dirty word, Blackadder. Crevice is a dirty word.
     -- Melchett : General Hospital
%%
So in the name of security everyone who enters the room has to
  have his bottom fondled by this drooling prevert?
     -- Edmund : General Hospital
%%
In short, a German spy is giving way every one of our battle plans.
You look surprised, Blackadder.
I cerainly am, sir. I didn't realise we _had_ any battle plans.
     -- Cpt. Darling, Melchett and Edmund : General Hospital
%%
And if you come back with information, Captain Darling will pump
  you thoroughly in the debriefing room.
...Not while I've got my strength he won't.
     -- Melchett and Edmund : General Hospital
%%
They might find me interesting.
Baldrick, I find the General Northern and Metropolitan sewage
  system interesting, but that doesn't mean that I want to put on
  some rubber gloves and pull things out with a pair of tweezers.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : General Hospital
%%
Ah, Captain. I hope you're going to conduct yourself with a little
  more decorum this time.
No, I'm going to conduct myself with no decorum. Shove off.
     -- Nurse Brown and Edmund : General Hospital
%%
Surely you must have noticed something in the air?
Well yes, of course, but I thought that was Private Baldrick.
     -- Edmund and George : Goodbyeee...
%%
We've been sitting here since Christmas 1914, since when we've
  advanced no further than an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping.
     -- Edmund : Goodbyeee...
%%
Well, ah, Jocko and the Badger bought it at the first Ypres,
  unfortunately, bit of a shock, that. I remember Bumfluff's house-
  master wrote and told me that Sticky'd been out for a duck, and
  that Gubber had snitched a parcel sausage-side and gone goose
  over stumps frog-side.
Meaning?
I don't know, sir, but I read in the Times that they'd both
  been killed.
And Bumfluff himself?
Copped a packet at Galipoli with the Aussies. So did Dripping and
  Strangely-Brown.
     -- George and Edmund : Goodbyeee...
%%
We tell HQ I've gone insane, and I'll be invalided back home to
  Blighty before you can say 'Wibble'. Poor, gormless idiot.
But I'm a poor, gormless idiot, and I've never been invalided back
  to Blighty.
Ah yes, Baldrick, but thet's because you never said, 'Wibble'.
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Goodbyeee...
%%
All the men present and correct, sir. ALl ready for the off, eh?
I'm afraid not, Lieutenant, I'm just off to Hartlepool to buy
  some exploding trousers.
I beg your pardon, sir? Have you gone barking mad?
Yes, Lieutenant, I have. Cluck cluck gibber gibber my old man's
  a mushroom...etc...etc...
     -- George and Edmund : Goodbyeee...
%%
You'll miss the whole end of the war!
Yes, very bad luck. Beep.
Right...
Beep.
...Now, Baldrick, I'll be back as soon as I can.
Pa-paaaa.......
     -- George and Edmund : Goodbyeee...
%%
Till then, we've got bugger all to do except sit and wait.
Oh, I dunno sir, we could have a jolly game of charades? Or a 
  sing-along to musical hits such as 'Birmingham Bertie'...and
  'Whoops, Mrs Miggins, you're Sitting on my Artichokes!'...
Yes...I think 'bugger all' might be rather more fun...
     -- Edmund and George : Goodbyeee...
%%
Don't worry, I could go on all night!
Not with a bayonet through your neck, you couldn't. 
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Goodbyeee...
%%
All my friends are dead. My pet spider, Sammy. Katy the worm, Bertie
  the bird. Everyone except Neville the Fat Hamster.
I'm afraid Neville bought it too, Baldrick. I'm sorry.
Neville gone, sir?
...Actually not quite _gone_, he's in the corner, bunging up the
  sink.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Goodbyeee...
%%
I made a note in my diary on the way here. Simply says...'Bugger'.
     -- Cpt. Darling : Goodbyeee...
%%
I think the phrase rhymes with 'Clucking Bell'...
     -- Edmund : Goodbyeee...
%%
We've had some good times, we've had some damnably good laughs,
  haven't we?
Yes...can't think of any _specific_ ones myself...
     -- George and Edmund : Goodbyeee...
%%
If it wasn't for this terrible war, Neville would still be here
  today, sniffling his little nose, and going, 'eek'.
On the other hand, if he hadn't died, I wouldn't have been able
  to insert a curtain rod in his bottom and use him as a dishmop.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Goodbyeee...
%%
You're not eligible to vote.
Why not?
Because virtually no-one is. Women...peasants...(looks at Baldrick)
  ...chimpanzees...
     -- Edmund and Miggins : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
That's not true! Lord Nelson's got a vote!
He's got a _boat_, Baldrick...
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
Why, the public love me! Only the other day I was out in the street
  and they sang, 'We hail Prince George! We hail Prince George!'
'We _hate_ Prince George', sir. 'We _hate_ Prince George'.
     -- George and Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
I will return before you can say, 'Antidisestablishmentarianism'.
Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that. Antidistibbilitz...
  Antimisdibbilince....
(Caption : Two Days Later)
....Antidistinctlymintymempsbalism...
     -- Edmund and George : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
Now...'Any history of insanity in the family?'...Tell you what,
  I'll just cross out the 'in'...'Any history of _sanity_ in the
  family?'...(writes)...'None whatsoever'...
     -- Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
When I was at school we used to line up four or five of his sort
  and use 'em as a toast rack.
     -- George : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
Oh? And which Pitt would this be? Pitt the Toddler? Pitt the Embryo?
  Pitt the Glint in the Milkman's Eye?
     -- Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
Well, we in the Adder Party are going to fight this campaign on
  issues, not personalities.
Why's that?
Because our candidate doesn't _have_ a personality.
     -- Edmund and Hannah : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
I took over from the previous electorate when he very sadly 
  accidentally brutally cut his head off while combing his hair.
     -- Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
As a reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday...did you enjoy it?
     -- Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start.
     -- Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
I've got a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it
  a weasel.
     -- Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
What's he like?
Well, according to Who's Who, his interests include flogging servants,
  shooting poor people, and the extension of slavery to anyone who
  hasn't got a knighthood.
     -- George and Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
So - what _is_ a robber button?
A rotten borough, sir.
     -- George and Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
Now...'Distinguishing Features'....none...
Well - I've got this big growth in the middle of my face.
That's your _nose_, Baldrick...
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
...the Acting Returning Officer, Mr Edmund Blackadder, and we're
  all very grateful indeed that he stepped in at the last moment
  when the previous Returning Officer accidentally brutally stabbed
  himself in the stomach while shaving.
     -- Vincent Hannah : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
Goodbye Millionaire's Row, hello room 12 of the Budley-Salterton
  Twilight Rest Home for the Terminally Short of Cash.
     -- Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
Blackadder! What time is it?
Three o'clock in the afternoon, your Highness.
Oh, thank God for that. I thought I'd overslept.
     -- George and Edmund : Ink and Incapability
%%
Sir Thomas Moore, for instance, burned alive for refusing to recant
  his Catholicism, must have been kicking himself as the flames
  licked higher, that it never occured to him to say, 'I recant
  my Catholicism'.
     -- Edmund : Ink and Incapability
%%
It's the most pointless book since 'How to Learn French' was translated
  into French.
     -- Edmund : Ink and Incapability
%%
Something's always wrong, Ballders. The fact that I'm not a millionaire
  aristocrat with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is a constant
  niggle to me.
     -- Edmund : Ink and Incapability
%%
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm inuspeptic, frasmotic...even compunctious
  to have caused you such pericumbobulations.
     -- Edmund to Dr. Johnson : Ink and Incapability
%%
Leaving already, Doctor? Not staying for your pentadigestory
  interludicules?
     -- Edmund to Dr. Johnson : Ink and Incapability
%%
A cup of your best hot water with brown grit in it, unless by some
  miracle your Coffee Shop has started selling coffee.
     -- Edmund to Mrs Miggins : Ink and Incapability
%%
And, of course, when the people find out you've burnt Doctor Johnson's
  dictionary, they may go around saying, 'Look, there's Thick George
  ...he's got a brain the size of a weasels wedding tackle'.
     -- Edmund to George : Ink and Incapability
%%
Some fellow said that I had the wit and sophistication of a donkey.
Oh, an absurd suggestion, sir. 
You're right. It is absurd.
Unless, of course, it was a particularly _stupid_ donkey...
     -- George and Edmund : Ink and Incapability
%%
...the only book in the world that is even better.
Oh? And which book is this? Dictionary II? Return of the Killer
  Dictionary?
     -- Dr. Johnson and Edmund : Ink and Incapability
%%
Baldrick, where's the manuscript?
You mean the big papery thing tied up with string?
Yes, Baldrick, the manuscript...belonging to Dr Johnson.
You mean the big baity fellow in a black cape who just left?
Yes, Baldrick, Doctor Johnson.
So...you're asking where the big papery thing tied up with string
  belonging to the big baity fellow in a black cape who just left
  is?
Yes, Baldrick, I am. And if you don't answer, then the booted
  bony thing with five toes at the end of my leg will soon connect
  sharply with the soft dangly collection of objects in your trousers.
  For the last time, Baldrick, where is Doctor Johnson's manuscript?
On the fire.
On the WHAT?!!
...The hot orangy thing below the stony mantlepiece.
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Ink and Incapability
%%
Baldrick, believe me, eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all
  his hellish instruments of death, would be as nothing compared
  to five minutes with me...and this pencil.
     -- Edmund : Ink and Incapability
%%
Sir, I have been unable to replace the dictionary. I am therefore
  leaving immediately for Nepal, where I intend to live as a goat.
     -- Edmund to George : Ink and Incapability
%%
I have a cunning plan, sir.
Hoorah! Well, that's that, then.
     -- Baldrick and George : Ink and Incapability
%%
I'm afraid there's been a change of plan. I'm off to the kitchen
  to hack my head off with a big knife.
     -- Edmund to George : Ink and Incapability
%%
I love you, Doctor Johnson. And I want to have your babies.
     -- Edmund : Ink and Incapability
%%
(reads) 'Medium sized insectivore with protruding nasal implement'
  ...doesn't sound much like a bee to me...
It's an aardvark!! Can't you see that, your Highness, it's a bloody
  aardvark!!!!
     -- George and Edmund : Ink and Incapability
%%
I've done 'B'.
Really? How did you get on?
Well - I had a bit of trouble with 'belching'...but I think I've
  got it sorted out in the end. (Burps) Oh no! There I go again!!
     -- George and Edmund : Ink and Incapability
%%
Baldrick? Who gave you permission to turn into an Alsatian? Oh
  God, it's a dream, isn't it. It's a bloody dream...
     -- Edmund : Ink and Incapability
%%
Turnip isn't a rude word, Baldrick.
It is if you sit on one.
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Ink and Incapability
%%
Burned, you say? Tha's most inconvenient. A burned novel is like
  a burned dog...
Oh, shut up!!
     -- Dr Johnson and Edmund : Ink and Incapability
%%
Sir, the type of woman currently favoured in France are toothless
  crones who just cackle insanely.
Oh, ignore that. They're just playing hard to get.
By removing all their teeth, going mad and ageing forty years?
That's right, the little teasers!
     -- Edmund and George : Nob and Nobility
%%
Do you speak English?
Ah...a little.
Yes - when you say 'a little' what exactly do you mean, I mean
  can we talk, or are we going to spend the rest of the afternoon
  asking each other the way to the beach in very loud voices?
No - I can order coffee...deal with waiters...make sexy chit-chat
  with girls, that sort of thing...just don't ask me to take a
  physiology class or direct a light opera...
     -- Edmund and Count Frufru - Nob and Nobility
%%
I've been at autopsies with more party atmosphere.
     -- Edmund : Nob and Nobility
%%
So what's the plan?
We do...nothing.
Yup. That's another world-beater.
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Nob and Nobility
%%
We do nothing until our heads have actually been cut off.
And then we...spring into action?
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Nob and Nobility
%%
Ah, bonjour, Monsieur.
Sod off.
     -- Frenchman and Edmund : Nob and Nobility
%%
I was merely pointing out that smuggling aristcrats out from under
  the noses of French revolutionaries is about as difficult as
  putting on a hat.
     -- Edmund : Nob and Nobility
%%
If I don't make it back, please write o my mother and tell her
  that I've been alive all the time...it's just that I couldn't
  be bothered to get in touch with the old bat.
     -- Edmund to George : Nob and Nobility
%%
I want to be young and wild, and then I want to be middle-aged and
  rich, and then I want to be old and annoy people by pretending 
  that I'm deaf.
     -- Edmund : Nob and Nobility
%%
Hooray! It's the Scarlet Pimpernel!
Yes, Baldrick.
And you killed him!
Yes, Baldrick.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Nob and Nobility
%%
Scarlet Pimpernel, my foot. Scarlet Git, more like.
     -- Edmund : Nob and Nobility
%%
You look smart, Mr Blackadder. Going somewhere nice?
No. I'm off to the theatre.
What, don't you like it?
No, I don't. A load of stupid actors, strutting around, shouting,
  with their chests thrust out so far you'd think their nipples
  were attached to a pair of charging rhinoceros.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
Last year, when Brutus was about to kill Julius Caesar, the Prince
  yelled out, 'Look behind you, Mr Caesar'.
     -- Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
I can't see the point in the theatre. All that sex and violence.
  I get enough of that at home. Apart from the sex, of course.
     -- Baldrick : Sense and Senility
%%
Why on earth would an anarchist possibly want to kill you?
I think it might have been _you_ he was after, sir.
Oh, hogwash. What on earth makes you say that?
Well, my suspicions were first aroused by his use of the words,
  'Death to the Stupid Prince'.
      -- George and Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
These are volatile times, your Highness. The American Revolution
  lost your father the colonies, the French Revolution murdered
  brave King Louis, and there are tremendous rumblings in Prussia.
  Although that might be something to do with the sausages.
     -- Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
Disease and deprivation stalk our land like...two giant...
  ...stalking things.
     -- Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
You mean they acually rehearse? I thought they just got drunk, put
  on a silly hat and trusted to luck.
     -- Edmund to Mrs Miggins : Sense and Senility
%%
They do say, Mrs M., that verbal insults hurt more than physical
  pain. They are of course wrong, as you will soon discover...when
  I stick this toasting fork in your head.
     -- Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
(George flouts a large cape and huge false moustache)
Well, what do you think?
...Are you ill or something?
     -- George and Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
Are you sure we can even trust these acting fellows? Last time we
  went to the theatre, three of them murdered Julius Caesar. And
  one of them was his best friend, Brutus.
As I have told you about eight times, the man playing Julius Caesar
  was an actor, called Kemp.
Really?
Yes.
Thundering gherkins, well Brutus must have been pretty miffed when
  he found out.
What?
That he hadn't killed Caesar after all, just some poxy actor called
  Kemp. You reckon he didn't go round to Caesar's place _after_ the
  play and kill him then?
Oh God, it's pathetic.
     -- George and Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
My Uncle was in a play once. It was called Macbeth.
What did he play?
Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
So he was a _stunt_ codpiece, then?
Yeah.
Did he have a large part?
...Depends who was playing Macbeth.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
Look! He's got a bomb!
It's not a _bomb_, sir, it's a _sponge_.
     -- George and Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
Why, your very posture tells us, 'Here is a man of true greatness'.
Either that, or, 'Here are my genitals. Please take them.'
     -- Mossop and Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
Get out, Blackadder, and stop corking our juices.
Certainly, your Highness. I'll leave you to dribble in private.
     -- George and Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
Every year at the Guild of Butlers' Christmas Party, _I'm_ the one
  who has to wear the red nose and the pointy hat for winning the
  'Who's got the Stupidest Master' competition.
     -- Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest and
  friendly companionship.
Ah. Thankyou, Mr.B.
But as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore
  confine myself to saying, simply, 'Sod Off', and if I ever meet
  you again it'll be twenty billion years too soon.
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Sense and Senility
%%
Oh, come on Mr.B., it's not as if we're all going to get murdered
  or anything the minute you leave, is it?
...Hope springs eternal, Baldrick.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
Thank God you're here! We desperately need you!
Who, me sir? Mr. Thicky Black Thicky Adder Thicky?...Mr Hopelessly
  Drivelly Can't Write For Toffee Crappy Butler Weed?...Mr Brilliantly
  Undervalued Butler Who Hasn't Had a Raise in a Fortnight?
Take an extra thousand. Guineas? Per month?
...Alright, what's your problem?
The actors have turned out to be vicious anarchists! They intend
  to kill us all!
What - are they going to bore us to death?
     -- George and Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
Well done, Bladder. How can I ever thank you?
Well, you can start by not calling me 'Bladder', sir.
     -- George and Edmund : Sense and Senility
%%
I was hoping that you might play the title role, sir.
What a roaringly good idea. What's the play called?
'Thick Jack Clot Sits in the Stocks...and gets Pelted with
  Rancid Tomatoes'...
     -- Edmund and George : Sense and Senility
%%
And what have I got to show for it? Nothing. A butler's uniform
  and a slightly effeminate hairdo.
     -- Edmund : Amy and Amiability
%%
Honestly, Baldrick, sometimes I feel like a pelican. No matter where
  I turn, I've still got an enormous bill in front of me.
     -- Edmund : Amy and Amiability
%%
Don't worry, Mr.B. I have a cunning plan to solve the problem.
Yes, Baldrick, let us not forget that you tried to solve the problem
  of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head...
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Amy and Amiability
%%
You know the kind of girls I like. They've got to be lovers...laughers
  ...dancers...
...And bonkers...
     -- George and Edmund : Amy and Amiability
%%
...thirty-nine are mad.
Well, they sound ideal.
They would be if they hadn't all got married last week in Munich
  to the same horse.
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Amy and Amiability
%%
Well, there's Grand Duchess Sophia of Turin...we'll never get _her_
  to marry him.
Why not?
Because she's _met_ him...
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Amy and Amiability
%%
Baldrick, why is half the front page missing?
...I don't know.
You _do_ know, don't you.
Yes.
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Amy and Amiability
%%
His life is so dark and shadowy and full of fear and trepidation.
So is going to the toilet in the middle of the night, but you don't
  keep a scrapbook on it.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Amy and Amiability
%%
As soon as I get to the Naughty Hellfire Club, I'll be debagged
  and radished for non-payment of debts.
Radished, sir?
Yes, they pull your breeches down and push a large radish right
  up your...
Yes, yes, yes, alright sir. There's no need to hammer it home.
As a matter of fact, they do often have to...
No! No!
     -- George and Edmund : Amy and Amiability
%%
His family's got more mills than...than you've got brain cells,sir.
How many mills?
Seven, sir.
     -- Edmund and George : Amy and Amiability
%%
Prince George is shy, and just _pretends_ to be bluff and crass,
  and unbelievably thick and gittish.
     -- Edmund to Amy : Amy and Amiability
%%
I can see where your daughter gets her ready wit...
I thank you.
...although where she gets her good looks and charm is perhaps more
  of a mystery...
     -- Edmund and Mr Hardwood : Amy and Amiability
%%
Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick, you'll be washing
  spit out of your hair for a fortnight.
     -- Edmund : Amy and Amiability
%%
(reads) 'Lovely little dumpling, how in love I am,
         Let me be your shepherdkins, you can be my lamb.'
...Well, I think we'll be very lucky if she doesn't just come out
  onto the balcony and _vomit_ over us...
     -- George : Amy and Amiability
%%
Mind, sir, or I shall take off my belt, and by thunder! my trousers
  will fall down.
     -- Mr Hardwood : Amy and Amiability
%%
Sir. You know I told you to go out and spend a lot of money on
  wedding presents. Well, apparently...(sees masses of gold finery
  and piles of glittering ornaments)
Mmm?
......Nothing.
     -- Edmund and George : Amy and Amiability
%%
By an extraordinary stroke of coincidence, it is a rotten borough.
...Really? Is it? Well, lucky, lucky us. Lucky, lucky, cluck-cluck
   cluck-cluck-cluck, CLUCK-cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck, CLUCK...
....You don't know what a rotten borough _is_, do you sir.
     -- Edmund and George : Dish and Dishonesty
%%
...As dead as that squirrel.
Which squirrel?
(Amy shoots, we hear an 'eep' as the bullet hits, and a thud
as the creature falls to the ground)
...Oh, _that_ squirrel.
     -- Amy and Edmund : Amy and Amiability
%%
And yes - I crave your strong, sinewy body.
Well...you're only human.
     -- Amy and Edmund : Amy and Amiability
%%
I dunno...I'll have to think about it...I've thought about it. It's
  a brilliant plan.
     -- Edmund to Amy : Amy and Amiability
%%
I laugh in the face of danger. I drop ice cubes down the vest of
  fear.
     -- Edmund : Amy and Amiability
%%
Then I'll probably drop her, and get two hundred concubines to share
  my bed.
Won't they be rather prickly?
...Concubines, Baldrick, not porcupines.
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Amy and Amiability
%%
From now on, you'll stand out in life as an individual.
Will I?
Well, of course you will. All the other slaves will be black.
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Amy and Amiability
%%
Mrs M., if we were the last three humans on Earth, I'd be trying
  to start a family with Baldrick.
     -- Edmund to Mrs Miggins : Amy and Amiability
%%
...or I'll fill you so full of lead we could sharpen your head
  and call you a pencil!
     Amy to Edmund : Amy and Amiability
%%
Baldrick! Thank you for introducing me to a genuinely new experience!
What experience is that?
Being pleased to see you...
     -- Edmund and Baldrick : Amy and Amiability
%%
Aha! Brekkers! I could eat fourteen trays of it this morning, and
  still have room for a dolphin on toast.
     -- George : Amy and Amiability
%%
Oh Amy, I shall never forget you...never...ever...never...ever...
  ...Right. What's for breakfast?
     -- George : Amy and Amiability
%%
Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I'd wanted to talk to a vegetable,
  I'd have bought one at the market.
     -- Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
God, I'm wasted here. It's no life for a man of noble blood being
  servant to a master with the intellectual capacity of a jug walrus
  and the social graces of a potty.
     -- Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
We're about as similar as...two completely dissimilar things
  in a pod.
     -- Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
He's mad. He's mad! He's madder than mad Jack McMad, winner of last
  year's Mr Madman competition.
     -- Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
Ah, Blackadder. Notice anything...unusual?
Yes, sir. It's eleven thirty in the morning, and you're moving about.
  Is the bed on fire?
     -- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
And then these two ravishing beauties came up to me and whispered
  in my ear...that they loved me.
And what happened after you woke up, sir?
     -- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
I was in a coach, flying through the London night, bound for the
  ladies' home...
Oh...and which ladies' home is this? A Home for the Elderly, or
  a Home for the Mentally Disadvantaged?
     -- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
You're perfectly safe...
Hoorah!!
...Until six o'clock tonight.
Hooroo.
     -- Edmund and George : Duel and Duality
%%
Perhaps this disgusting degraded creature is some sort of blessing
  in disguise?
Well, if he is, it's a very _good_ disguise.
     -- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
After all, did not Our Lord send a lowly earthworm to comfort Moses
  in his torment?
No.
     -- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
Yes, yes, but he'd be fabulously rewarded. Money...titles...castles...
...a coffin...
     -- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending
  with me cutting you into long strips and telling the Prince that
  you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy
  hat?
     -- Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
It's like that story...'The Prince and the Porpoise'.
'...and the _Pauper_', sir.
Oh, yes, yes, 'The Prince and the Porpoise...and the Pauper'.
     -- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
Oh, God. Fortune vomits on my eiderdown once more.
     -- Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
I'm afraid the duel is off.
Off?
As in 'sod'.
     -- Edmund and George : Duel and Duality
%%
A poignant plea, sir, enough to melt the stoniest of hearts, but
  the answer, I'm afraid, must remain, 'You're going to die,
  fat pig'.
     -- Edmund to George : Duel and Duality
%%
A man may fight for many things. His country, his principles, his
  friends. The glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But
  personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an
  amusing clock and a sack of French porn.
     -- Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
(reads) 'Congratulations on choosing the Armitage-Whitworth Four
  Pounder Cannnonette. Please read the instructions carefully and
  it should give you years of trouble-free maiming...'
     -- Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
Sir, please help me get his coat off.
(feebly) Leave it, Baldrick...it doesn't matter.
Yes, it does. Blood's hell to shift - I want to get it in soap.
     -- Baldrick and Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%
I die...I hope men will say of me that I did duty by my country.
I think that's pretty unlikely, sir. If I were you I'd try for
  something a bit more realistic.
Like what?
Um...you hope that men will think of you...as a bit of a thicky?
     -- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
%%