One day, a young boy was in a closet in his parents bedroom watching his mother carrying on with another man, when his father unexpectedly came home early. His mother and the stranger quickly got dressed, and the stranger ran into the closet just before the father walked in the door. The stranger was surprized to find the boy in the closet and told the boy to keep quiet. After a few minutes, the kid said "Boy, its real dark in here; I think I'm going to scream!" The stranger said "Please don't scream; here's $10..." That seemed to work for a while, but the boy again said "You know, it really is dark in here; I think I'm gonna scream!" Again, the stranger said "Ok, please don't scream; here's another $10..." One more time, after a brief period, the boy said "You know mister, it really is dark in here!" The stranger opened his wallet and said "Ok, here's another $20, that's all I have; please keep quiet!" Sure enough, the boy kept quiet, the father left, and the stranger went home. Several days later, his mother sees him counting the money and said "Where the hell did you get that?!" When the boy wouldn't tell, she said "Ok, I'm going to take you to the church so you can tell in confession" The boy sits down in the booth and said "Boy its dark in here" The priest opens the window and said "Come on kid, don't start that again!" ------------------- Old mother hubbard went to the cubbard To get her poor doggie a bone But when she bent over Rover took over And slipped her a bone of his own. ------------------- What is the difference between a pick-pocket and Jimmy Swagart? A pick-pocket snatches watches!! ------------------- Did you hear that the Kuwaitis are making a movie about the hijacking? It's called Throw Mohammed From the Plane. ------------------- One night, a man comes home slightly drunk and his wife (who is suspecting he's cheating on her) questions his whereabouts... Wife: "Where were you??" Man: "I was at this new bar called the Golden Bar. Everything is golden" Wife: "Sure you were. There's no such place!" Man: "There is! They have huge golden doors, a golden floors, and even golden urinals!" Wife: "Oh, I BELEIVE you 100%" So, the next day the wife looks through the phone book for this golden bar. She's suprised when she finds a Golden Bar located across town. She decides to call up and check this out for herself... Wife: "Is this the Golden Bar?" Bartender: "Yes it is.." Wife: "Do you have huge golden doors?" Bartender: "Yes we do..." Wife: "Do you have golden floors??" Bartender: "We have them, too..." Wife: "What about golden urinals?" Bartender (speaking away from phone) "Hey Max, I think we have a lead on the guy that pissed in your alto-sax." ------------------- Who is the patron saint of Ethiopia? Karen Carpenter What do you call an Ethiopian walking a dog ? A vegetarian What do you call an Ethiopian in a dinner jacket? Optimist What do Ethiopians use for bunk beds ? Venetian blinds What do you call an Ethiopian walking 2 dogs? A caterer How many Ethiopians can you get in a Volkswagon ? All of them How many Ethiopians can you fit in a shower ? No one knows, they keep slipping down the drain... ------------------- Once upon a time, there were triplets. Believe it or not, they were all born on the same day...12 years later, that day came to pass, and the parents prepared a huge party for the children (two girls and a boy). The Birthday Cake was very large, and before long, the parents had run out of those small silver balls that sometimes adorn cakes. They decided to substitute BB's... About two days later, one of the girls ran crying into the room about the fact that she had excreted a BB. This did not shock the parents as much as the girl had expected. She was told that it came from the cake, and not to worry. Two hours later, the second girl entered with a very similar problem, And also was instructed not to worry, and was given a full explanation. After this ordeal, the father thought it wise to consult his son before anything happened to insure that his son would be all right... He found his son in his room crying, and proceeded to explain the deal with the cake and the BB's, and how the boy would eventually excrete them, and not to worry; to which the boy replied, "No dad, I was playing with myself and I shot the cat!!" ------------------- Why was the queer fired from the sperm bank?? He was caught drinking on the job. Why are the Rams changing their names to Tampons? They're only good for one period and they have no second string. Why is pubic hair curly? If it was straight it would poke your eyes out. What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? Manipulating the wheelchair. Why are cowgirls bowlegged? Because cowboys like to eat with their hat on. What's the most useless thing on a polish womans body? A Polish Man! What's the fourth biggest lie? It's a cold sore. What is the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and shouting your own name. How can you tell a DeLorean driving down the street? The white lines disappear. Why do women have more trouble with hemmoriods than men? Because God made man the perfect asshole. What two things in the air will get a woman pregnant? Her legs. Did you hear about the new deoderant called umpire? It's for foul balls. How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles? Trust me Why is Italy shaped like a boot? Because they couldn't fit all that shit into a sneaker. Why don't you hear any Jim Jones jokes anymore? The punch lines are too long. How many men does it take to clean a toilet? None, that's womans work..... ------------------- A young man (YM) is on a date with a young woman (YW) and they go parking. After some heavy petting the YM asks the YW for oral sex. "No", says the YW "you won't respect me." So the YM is content to wait. After they had been dating a few months, the YM again asks the YW for oral sex. Again the reply "No, you won't respect me." Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride "Honey, please, we're married now. You know I love you and respect you. Can we please have oral sex ?". "No", she says "I just know that if I do that you won't respect me." So the man waits... and waits... and waits.... After 20 years of marriage the man says "Honey, we've been together 20 wonderful years now. We've raised three beautiful kids. You KNOW that I love you and respect you completely. How about oral sex, just once ???? Please ?????? "., and the wife finally gives in to her husbands wish and peforms oral sex on him. After she is done they are lying in bed relaxing and the telephone rings. The husband turns to his wife and says "Answer that, you cocksucker." ------------------- Why don't blind people ever go skydiving? Scares the hell out of the dogs. ------------------- A famous golfer was on trial for beating another golfer senseless. The defendant's attorney appealed to the judge,"Your honor, the plaintiff was drunk and abusive and kept interrupting the game. My client, in desperation, bet him unconscious with golf club." "I see," the judge said, considering the evidence. "In how many strokes?" ------------------- A prestigious medical journal reports that surgeons were very encouraged following their first penis-transplant procedure, despite a slight post- surgical hitch. The organ responded normally, but the patient's hands rejected it. ------------------- What has 300 legs and seven teeth? The front row at the Willie Nelson concert. ------------------- On the day a suit against him was to be settled in court, a prominent congressman was called away on urgent business. He told his attorney to notify him as soon as a judgement was handed down. Later that day, he received a cable that read, "JUSTICE HAS PREVAILED." The politician immediately wired back, "APPEAL AT ONCE." ------------------- A woman opens the door to her cupboard and the door falls off. Being a modern woman who doesn't ask her husband to fix everything, she decides to fix it herself. After examing the door she discovers that the hinge is broken, so she removes the hinge and takes it to the store with her. After searching through a lot of hinges, she finally finds a match and takes it to the checkout counter. "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" asks the male clerk. "Certainly NOT!", says the woman sternly. Then, she lowers her voice and says with a smile, "But, I'll give you a blow-job for the toaster." ------------------- A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every longshoreman he sees that his guy can screw and satisfy 100 women in a row, without pausing. Bets are made and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock and the guy drops his pants and starts. True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83..... 84..... 85........ but he is still moving from one to the next and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99................ and before he can get to the last woman he has a heart attack and dies. The manager scratches his head and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly at practice this morning!" ------------------- The American ambassador visited the Romanian president. In the waiting room he talked with two of the ministers for five minutes. When he entered he said to the Romanian president, "I really don't want to bother you but I talked with two of your ministers, and my gold watch was disappeared." So the president answered, "OK. I'll take care of it," left the room and came back two minutes later with the watch. The ambassador said, "Thank you very much," said the ambassador. "I hope that I didn't cause any crisis between you and them." "That's OK," said the president. "They did not notice." ------------------- By the way, have you noticed that little boys and girls don't go behind the barn to play "doctor" anymore? Now they go back there to play "evangelist"... ------------------- Three ethnics were discussing how to get a woman "hot". The first ethnic avowed a policy of detail; e.g., sending single long stemmed rose, many small presents, cards with poetry, and romantic walks. The second ethnic declared that constant attention, touching, caresses, candlelite dinners with wine and dancing was the key. The third ethnic said, "No! The way you do it is to grab them, throw them on the bed, rip-off their clothes and violently consumate your lust while giving no attention to their desires. After finishing, to wipe yourself off on their lace curtains...THAT would make them "hot". ------------------- What's grosser than gross? A rump roast that sits on the table and farts. ------------------- A man riding a motorcycle gets into a horrible accident and is decapitated. His head rolls into the gutter. A crowd of people gather, among them a drunk. Police arrive and attempt to identify the body but there is no ID on it. One police officer turns on his PA and asks if anyone knows the man who was on the motorcycle to please come over to his unit. The drunk staggers through the crowd and says, "AAAAyyye think thatssss my friend Bill." So the police officer takes the drunk over to the body to see if he can identify it. But the drunk couldn't tell just by looking at the body, so the officer takes the drunk over to the head and removes the towel covering it. "Is this your friend?" asks the officer to the drunk, who was staring wildly at the head. "Noooope. My friend wassss taller than that." responds the drunk. ------------------- There was this pervert who liked to get on busses when it was raining. He'd ride the bus all day long and whenever a group of good-looking girls got on the bus, he would look at them and say, "Tickle your ass with a feather!" The girls, suprised and shocked would say, "WHAT???" And the pervert would reply, "Typical nasty weather!" "Oh. Oh, yes. Yes, it is." the women would usually respond. Well this one rainy, stormy day this pervert was getting his kicks doing this all day long. Whenever the bus was not too full and women would get on, the pervert would do it again. "Tickle your ass with a feather." "WHAT???" "Typical nasty weather." "Oh, it sure is." Finally, a drunk got on the bus and sat across from the pervert sipping his cheap port wine and noticed what the pervert was doing. After a while the drunk decided he wanted to try it. So he said to the pervert, "Thatsssss Pree-ity goood. I wanna do thaaat." "No. You can't do it", replied the pervert, "you're drunk." "I wanna dooo it. Immmmm gonna doo it." insisted the drunk. "Well, OK. Do you know what to say?" "YUPPPP." blerped the drunk. So, at the next corner, a group of 3 very attractive women get on the bus. The drunk looked at them and yelled "HEY!" to get their attention. Then the drunk said, "FUCK YOU!" "WHAT???" the women asked. "LOOOKS LIKE RAIN DONN IT?" asked the drunk. ------------------- What's the difference between a microwave oven and anal sex? The microwave can't brown your meat What is the difference between ship and a woman ? One cuts thru the water, other waters the cut. What is the difference between sky and a skirt ? One covers the whole universe, other covers universal hole. Whats the difference between a Jar of afterbirth and a Jar of pebbles? You can't gargle with a Jar of pebbles. What goes Plink, Plink, Fizz, Fizz? Twins in an acid bath. Whats blue and red and sits in a corner? A baby sucking razor blades. What's the ultimate in courage? Two cannibals having oral sex. ------------------- Two bums were seated on a park bench stealing food from the pigeons. "Say," said one. "If you suddenly found a million bucks would you lend me one hundred?" "That depends," said the second. "What security you got?" ------------------- Once upon a time, there was a brave Indian chief. He was a cunning hunter, a fearless warrior and a wise leader. He met a lovely Indian girl, and married her. He had a rare white antelope hide which he gave her to make her bed. A year later, he met a still lovelier Indian maiden. He courted her, married her and gave her a rare white buffalo hide for her bed. Still a year later, he met the most beautiful Indian girl he had ever seen. He searched far and wide for a hide fine enough for the beautiful maiden and finally found a white hippopotamus. He married the third girl and gave her the priceless white hippopotamus hide for her bed. By and by, the first wife had a healthy baby boy. Shortly after that, the second wife also had a fine boy. The third wife, not to be outdone, gave birth to identical twin boys. The chief was contemplating his good fortune when a great realization occurred to him. "The sons of squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides." ------------ An American General, a Russian General and a British General are standing on the deck of a ship watching war exercises. The topic of discussion turns to human courage, and the Russian General boasts, "Russians are the most courageous people on Earth!". Upon which the American (naturally) challenges him: "Oh YEAH?". The Russian says, "Sure! Here, Yuri! Jump off the deck (into the freezing Atlantic) and swim around the ship!" Yuri marches off without a word, and does as he is told. The Russian turns around and says: "See, there's an example of courage!" The American *has* to top this, so he calls up one of his underlings and gives him the order: "Jack, Jump off the main mast into the ocean, and swim around the ship seven times!" Poor Jack goes off without a murmur, and he too does as he is told. The American General says: "Now top *that* for courage!" So they both turn around to the British General who has been standing around watching these antics silently. They ask him: "What about *your* people?". So the British guy calls up one of his people and says: "Trevor, jump off the mast and swim under the keel of the ship, will you, old chap?" Trevor stares at his general. "Let me get this right. You want me to jump off the mast." "Yes." "And swim under the keel" "Yes." "You must be daft!" And so saying, Trevor turns around and saunters off. Whereupon the British General turns to the other two and says, "Now *there*'s an example of TRUE courage!" ------------ The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They had spent the day discussing the progress the country had made with the Russians before kicking them out. "They built us a power plant, an airport, and taught us how to drink vodka and play Russian roulette." The ambassador looked pained and said "Russian roulette is a dangerous game" "Right, that's why we invented African roulette, would you like to play?" "I'm not sure, how does it work?" The African clapped his hands and six gorgeous black women, all nude, came wiggling in, the diplomat explained "Choose the one you want to give you oral sex." "That's a lot better and less risky than Russian routlette..." "Not when one of them is a cannibal." ------------ Q: What do call girls and military-hardware contractors have in common ? A: They both charge $100.00 per screw ! ------------ Three surgeons are talking about what patients they like to operate on. First surgeon: "I like operating on engineers since their insides are always in the right place and well organized." Second surgeon: "I like operating on zoologists since their insides are always color coded and labelled." Third surgeon: "I like operating on lawyers since they only have two things inside -- their mouths and their assholes. And they are interchangeable!" ------------ Three women are sunning themselves on the beach, one catholic, one protestant, and one JAP(Jewish American Princess). Suddenly a man runs by wearing nothing but a paper bag over his head. When he has passed the women look at each other self-consciously. The catholic says - "At least it wasn't my husband" The protestant says - "At least it wasn't my boyfriend" The JAP says - "Why, he wasn't even a member of the country club" ------------ While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed: "Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you." "When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion", she explained. The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife. "I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from ?" "Oh that, " his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out !" ------------ A burglar had been casing a particular house for some time. Finally, he saw the owners leave for what appeared to be an extended camping trip. That night he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find his way in the dark when he heard what seemed to him to be the voice of a very old woman saying "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Startled, the burglar snarls back "Shut up, Grandma, or you're gonna get hurt!" He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma. Again the voice: "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Finally, the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and in it a pretty upset parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and starts toward the stairs, only to spot an enormous slavering doberman waiting at the top. Just then the parrot screams, "Sic'em, Jesus!" ------------ A man was badly constipated, and had been for several weeks, so he went to a doctor to try to alleviate his problem. The doctor prescribed suppositories, and told the man to take one once every four hours. The man left the doctor, happy that his problem would soon be gone. When he got home, he quickly took a suppository, swallowing it down with a glass of water. After four hours, nothing happened, but he figured that these things take time, so he swallowed another one down, hoping that he would reap the benefits very soon. After several days, he was still constipated, so he returned to the doctor. When he explained that he took one every four hours, as prescribed, the doctor exclaimed: "What the hell are you doing? Swallowing them?" The man replied, sarcastically: "NO, I'M SHOVING THEM UP MY ASS!!!!" ------------ An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Sir, these are the COJONES", the waiter replied. "The what, you say ?", exclaimed the tourist. "They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today.", explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the plate anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's COJONES are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, sir," said the waiter, "... you see the bull, he does not always lose !" ------------ A dental surgery had been having an unusually busy day, and ran out of local anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was to be performed. Keen to ensure that a far more painless extraction from the patient's wallet would not be hindered, the dentist gave the nurse a very large needle. He instructed her to jab it firmly into the patient in the end opposite to that from which the tooth was to be extracted, when the signal was given. It all happened in an instant. The patient and pliers were in place. The signal was given, the needle driven well home, and with a quick tug out came the tooth. The dentist said, "Hurt much ?" The patient hesitated, "Didn't even feel it come out... tell you what, though, the roots were sure in deep!" ------------ When Nixon resigned from the Presidency, he decided to join the counter-culture. He turned his yacht into a commune, and gathered a group of hippies and society dropouts to join him. Now, one of these dropouts was a former hydroponics expert, and he developed a way to grow potatoes in vats of sea water. The commune would sell the excess potatoes whenever they were in port. Well, on one of these port calls, a man joined the commune. This guy had AIDS, and he spread the illness throughout the commune. Naturally, he was arrested for giving AIDS to a commune-ist Dick tater ship. ------------ A man asked the waiter for a look at the desert menu, which the waiter produced from a special pouch in his uniform. The man ordered a desert, and the waiter relayed the information to the kitchen via a special communications device built into his wrist watch. When desert arrived, the man was without a spoon. The waiter produced one from his breast pocket. The man was amazed. He asked the waiter how it is that the waiter is so well prepared to handle every problem without ever having to return to the kitchen. The waiter answered that the owner is an efficiency expert who wanted everything to run without a wasted moment. The man asked the purpose of the string tied to every waiters' trousers. The waiter replied that, when he uses the urinal, he avoids dirtying his hands (and therefore doesn't need to waste time washing them). He simply pulls the string, and his penis pops out. The man asked the waiter how he gets his penis back in. The waiter replied, "That's easy.... I use the spoon." ------- Bumper sticker seen recently: ----------------------- | APES EVOLVED FROM | | CREATIONISTS | ----------------------- ------- Why did the stop shooting skeet? The damn things taste terrible. ------- Why are toilet rolls 2 miles long? The first 1.5 miles are instructions. ------- : What would you do if you found someone in bed with your wife? : I'd shoot his seeing-eye dog. ------- In America they say "It's 10pm, do you know where your children are?" In England thay say "It's 10pm, do you know where your wife is?" In France they say "It's 10pm, do you know where your husband is?" In Chapel Hill they say, "It's 10pm, do you know what time it is?" ------- What do you call two skunks doing 69? Odor eaters. How fast can a woman go? 68; when she does 69 she blows a rod! ---------- A Texan in New York City needed to call a nearby community from a pay phone. "Deposit $1.85 please," instructed the operator. Pulling himself up to full height and dropping into his thickest Texas drawl, he objected, "Ma'am, I'm from Texas, and in Texas we can place a call to Hell and back for $1.85!" "I understand, sir," retorted the operator, "but in Texas, that's a local call." ---------- An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day, when a police officer pulled him over. "What seems to be the trouble young man?" asked the old gentleman. As the officer said, "Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car back there?". To which the old gentleman exclaimed, "Thank you son, I thought I went deaf!!!". ----------------- An old lady went to the bar with a duck under her arm. The drunk man in the bar happened to speak then, said "where do you get the pig?" The lady said, "it is not a pig, it is a duck." The drunk man said, "I was not talking with you, I was talking with the duck." ------------- Once there was this woman, who was, sad to say, very flat across the upper body. Year after year of seeing beautiful, large-breasted women walking away with handsome guys finally got to her. She decided that she would have large tits at any cost. At first she went to a breast treatment center and asked for larger breasts. After several weeks, despite all the injections and fillers they had given her, her breasts were no larger. She despaired. She went everywhere, but everything she tried came to no avail. So she went home and cried and prayed for larger tits. After several days of this, during one praying session, there was this sudden *poof*, and her fairy godmother appeared before her. "Well, dearie, you want larger tits, do you?" "Oh yes, oh yes, please fairy godmother, give me bigger tits. I beg you", the woman implored. "Okay, okay, calm down. I'll do it, if you promise to stop bothering me. Promise?", the fairy godmother asked. "Yes, I promise!" "Okay, then. Shish, swoosh, swash, liffiday-loffiday, balsshac, boom! There. Now, dearie, whenever anyone says `pardon' to you, your tits will grow one inch. Fine? Bye, dearie." And with a flash and the smell of burnt hair, the fairy godmother left. Of course, the lady wanted to try out her godmother's spell immediately. She then ran out of her apartment and seeing some unlucky passerby, collided with him and promptly fell to the ground. "Oh, pardon me. I'm so sorry, are you alright?" Zzzzuuuuummmpp! Her tits bulged forward an inch. "No, I'm fine," she laughed, as she ran back into her apartment. She inspected her breasts. Oh, they were actually one inch larger; in fact, exactly one inch. She decided to try again the next day. At work, the following morning, she contrived to bump the manager and spill her coffee into her lap. "Pardon me! Here, let me help clean you up," the manager said. Zzzzuuuummmpp! Her tits jumped forward another inch. "Oohhh, I'll clean up myself." She ran into the women's bathroom and gleefully examined her breasts. Two inches! "I've got to celebrate." That night, she went to a posh Chinese restaurant. "Aahh, I'll treat myself to the best. After all, I could easily beat out Dolly Parton by tomorrow. I'll be famous!" As she sat there, a waiter passed by, carrying an armful of aromatic dishes. She stretched, delighting in the feel of her newfound breasts, ... and her arm banged into the waiters midsection. The waiter fell with an audible "Ooofff!!!", sending dishes and sauces all over her. Groveling, the waiter said to the lady, "A thousand pardons..." ------------ ...One day in early spring... As I awoke one morning When all good things are born, A Robin perched upon my sill To greet the coming morn'. The bird was fragile, young and gay, And sweetly did it sing. Its song of joy and gladness It to my heart did bring. It sang and danced, and danced and sang And in a moments lull, I quickly slid the window down And crushed its freaking skull. ------------ This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated". The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. "All right, I guess I'll have the operation", he said. When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew--start over from this point". So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular". "That's right", exclaimed the man, "how'd you know?" "Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up", replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long." "Right again," the man said. The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36." "There's your first mistake", the man said, "I've worn 34's for years." "No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one", said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34". The owner replied "Well alright, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!" ---------------- 80 years after Little Big Horn, an East Coast journalist began research on George Armstrong Custer. A friend told him that an Indian that lived through that experience was still living and furthermore remembered EVERY event of his long life. The journalist visited Chief Big Eagle, who now lived in a small town in Pennsylvania. When he arrived and stated his purpose, the Chief agreed to answer his questions. "On what day of the week did the event take place? " -- "Wednesday" "What was Custer wearing?" -- "Black uniform.. ceremony sword.. old hat" "what did Custer eat for breakfast?" -- "eggs" The journalist was skeptical and figured anyone could make up these answers. He left, and never published his article. Ten years later, the journalist was by coincidence driving through the same small town, and decided to see if the old Chief was still living. To his surpirse, he was. As the journalist walked in he raised his hand in the air and said "How!" "Over easy, with potatoes on the side" said the chief. ---------------- There was this black woman who had 7 sons, all of them named Leroy. One day this man was asking her about this and said, "What to you say when you want to call one of them?" She replies,"I just calls Leroy, and they all come!" The man then says, "well what if you want one of them to come help you with the dishes?" She says,"I calls Leroy, and they all come help me with the dishes." The man, getting somewhat frustrated, says, "what if you want to talk to one of them about bad grades on their report card, then how do you call them?" She says, "Oh, then I use their last name!" ---------------- A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!" -------------------- A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!" The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why. "Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also shit in your pants." -------------------- It's an old story: Once upon a time... Bunny fuck up. Bunny go bye bye. The End -------------------- A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forego the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out "Have you seen my parakeet?" -------------------- A city boy went duck hunting in the country one day. While hunting he shot a duck which fell on the property of a farmer. The boy crawled over the fence to claim his kill. But, the farmer, seeing what had happened rushed out with his shotgun and yelled, "See here! That duck belongs to me!" The city boy replies, "But I shot the duck, therefore it belongs to me!" The farmer says, "It fell on my property so it belongs to me!" They continue to argue, each claiming ownership of the duck. After awhile the farmer says, "We should settle this the old-fashioned way." The city boy asks, "What is the 'old-fashioned way'?" The farmer explains, "First, I kick you in the groin. Then, you kick me in the groin and we continue in this fashion until one of us gives up. The one who wins gets the duck." The city boy, willing to do anything to get his duck and leave, agrees to the contest. The farmer draws back his leg and kicks the city boy in the groin with all his might. The city boy, in horrible pain, falls to the ground moaning and groaning. After about 10 minutes of this, the city boy stands up shakily and croaks, "Its my turn now." The farmer says, "Oh, you can have the duck", and leaves.